True Blood 5.9: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

True Blood airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO
PREVIOUSLY: Show is still bugnuts, previously doesn’t even matter, so LET’S TALK ABOUT THE CURIOSITY LANDING! Who watched the live feed? I was crying and trying to high-five all of the shouting NASA engineers through my computer and my excitement on Twitter made an inspirational Christian quote bot follow me.

Bill’s plan of bombing TruBlood factories has been put into effect (the passage of time in this show makes no sense), and the Authority watches footage of it on the news. Eric’s appalled, but everyone else is really into it. They decide to celebrate by eating a guy; Russell suggests they pray before digging in, nominating Eric, but Eric declines. Before Salome can start, Steve says “There once was a cock and a hen, who gave lunch to a goose in a pen. ‘Good Lord,’ said the goose, ‘Bless this food for our use and us to thy service.’ Amen.” Ahahahaha. Salome, supremely pissed-off, prays in the vampire language, and then they all eat the naked guy.

Molly tries to leave the Authority HQ, but everything is locked down. She nervously goes to one of the interrogation rooms, where Eric Northman: Rebel Princess appears. Yay, they’re working together to try and escape! Except neither of them really knows how to get out. UNLESS: Molly has a really stupid idea that will probably get Eric killed. Eric says “Sounds perfect.”

Lafayette, still in his Liza/Miss Cleo costume and still looking super gorgeous (Nelsan Ellis, congratulations on that face of yours), stands in Sookie’s bathroom and tries to draw out the creepy bathroom vampire ghost, but gets distracted by his own beauty. This is another set of characters that I like together. “Creepy spirit thingy…why you in Sookie bathroom?” he says, eyes closed, hands waving. Hee. He doesn’t get anything, and Sookie thanks him for trying. She asks him if he’s heard from Tara. He’s texted her 50 times, and the only answer has been Bitch stop texting me or I will eat you. I think this bodes well for a reconciliation.

Lafayette catches a whiff of all the Stackhouse House ghosts, singling out Gran when she admonishes him for his language. He relays the message to Sookie that Gran is glad “those striptease fairies” are looking after her, and tells the other ghosts to shut up, that he is not Gmail for ghosts. Sookie excitedly asks about Warlo, and Gran says she’s sleeping on it. Sookie retrieves a box of old letters and mementos from under the bed.

Jessica tells Kenya that Hoyt is not “an Obama,” but Kenya isn’t having it, telling Jessica that Hoyt did a whole bunch of terrible shit, like joining a hate group, kidnapping her, and pointing a gun at her. That DOES look really bad on paper. Jason shows up, and Jessica tells him that she can’t feel Hoyt at all, even though he’s had her blood. Jason tries to wipe the blood tears off of her face, but she pulls back. He hands her a tissue. Cut to Hoyt being dragged through a pigpen.

Sam and Luna argue about Luna going back to the hospital, and it devolves into them angrily calling each other annoying and sexist, then angrily telling each other “I love you.” Luna’s still not going to the hospital, and she’s going to accompany Sam to the BTPD.

Terry and Arlene also argue about Terry’s decision to give Patrick a fair fight. Terry’s like “It’s the least he deserves” and we’re like “I think you mean most.”

Tara walks into the back room at Fangtasia with a stack of TruBlood boxes, saying they’ll have enough to float them for a while if they stop serving it now. Pam orders her to take them back out and keep serving them, because if they don’t, the customers are going to start eating each other. When the TruBlood runs out, vampires will pretend to keep drinking it, and carefully feed on people within the privacy of their own homes. Tara tells Pam that she knows Pam is worried about Eric, and Pam’s like GO BACK TO WORK AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY EMOTIONS. Tara does. Pam touches a publicity photo of her and Eric.

Eric argues with Bill back at the Authority, and it seems that Bill has for-real converted to Lilithism, and is approaching that embarrassing sheen-of-a-true-believer way. Eric asks him if Sookie is just food to him now, and Bill seems unsure. Eric gives Bill a little pipette, telling him they need Salome’s blood to leave the compound.

Sookie and Lafayette discover that Bud Dearborne was the one who found her parents’ bodies. DON’T WORRY, THIS DOESN’T ACTUALLY LEAD TO ANYTHING.

Jessica leaves the BTPD when the sun‘s about to come up, making Jason promise to find Hoyt. Deputy Kevin finds a website called www.keepamericahuman.com on Joe-Bob’s computer, and it has videos of the Obamas dancing around the remains of a vampire they tied up and left in the sun (supe soup). Jason and Andy are both disgusted (fuck, you guys, I love Andy so much), and Andy remembers that there was a klansman named Bodehouse who went by the title Dragon. He deduces that the Obamas are performing some kind of sick tribute to the Klan, and go to question Joe-Bob. Joe-Bob doesn’t give them anything, just insults the PD (which gets Jason angry enough to beat him) and then insults Jason (which gets Andy angry enough to beat him, aaw). They kick the shit out of him in his cell.

Alcide listens to weird music and drives back toward Jackson. He flashes back to when he was a beautiful young man of indeterminate ethnicity, standing in a circle with other generally attractive young people, while his dad ROBERT FUCKING PATRICK wears a vest and tells them about being werewolves. He says that they can either choose to be a stupid man or an awesome wolf, and everyone decides to be a wolf and gets bear blood smeared on their head. BUT SERIOUSLY, ROBERT PATRICK!

Sookie goes to meet with Bud Dearborne. He acts all weird and is insistent that she drink a ginger ale. Sookie acts all weird and reads his mind, having time to find out that he doesn’t know anything about Warlo before Bud’s mistress hits her over the head with a frying pan. Whoops.

Andy talks to the press, where he is awesome and doesn’t out the existence of werewolves/shapeshifters even a little bit. Sam and Luna follow him into the police station, demanding to be let in on the investigation, but Andy is too sincerely freaked out to even consider it. He tells them to go home, but instead they turn into flies and eavesdrop on the meeting.

Arlene heads into Merlotte’s (SHE IS LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON WORKING. LITERALLY), only to be taken hostage by Patrick and forced to call Lafayette and tell him they’re closed, and then to call Terry.

Sookie wakes up in the pigpen. Hoyt is there, unconscious and drugged up but still alive. One of the Obamas walks into the barn and is like “Yo.”

Andy and Jason try to figure out the connections between Joe-Bob and Junior. Jason’s like “They both have total white-trash names” and Andy’s like THAT’S NOT ENOUGH. They were both arrested by Bud Dearborne. That triggers Andy’s recognition–in the video, he sees boots on one of the Obamas, and remembers that they’re the dancing boots that were given to Bud two seasons ago. BUD IS THE DRAGON (no he isn’t).

In the pigpen, Bud tells Sookie that something needs to be done about the vampires. Sookie’s like “You are not the person to do it, crazyass.” when Bud’s mistress walks in and gets fucking insane about how supernaturals are the worst thing ever and they are going to pass a bunch of laws and flags with their faces on them BLARAARARHGAHGHGHR anyway she’s the Dragon, and she’s only this way because her husband left her for a hot shifter. That is the only motivation any big lady on any show ever has, that a man has left her (see also: Maxine after Hoyt started dating Jessica). Bud forces Sookie to drink the ginger ale, which is full of leftover Oxycontin from his colon surgery.

Jason and Andy find Bud’s house empty, but Jason remembers that Bud’s wife’s family has a pig farm.

Terry goes to Merlotte‘s, but he doesn‘t have a gun. Patrick has decided that a fight wouldn‘t be fair between them, on account of how Terry is super strong apparently? Anyway, he‘s about to shoot Terry, but ARLENE FUCKING STABS HIM IN THE CAROTID WITH A HAIRPIN. Awesome. Then she pulls his own gun on him. AWESOMER.

Eric Northman: Rebel Princess kind of religiseduces Nora into believing he wants to have faith in Lilith.

Bill and Salome ew no oh my god. Whatever, Salome’s doing some veil-dancing crap and everything is so fucking awkward and then they have sex and talk about world domination and Bill bites her and thinks she’s Sookie, then thinks she’s Lilith, then she’s Salome again. Bill is going to betray the shit out of Eric, I know it.

Bud and the Dragon (her name is Sweetie, but calling her the Dragon is somehow less embarrassing) release the pigs, and as the Obama throws Sookie in, one of the pigs becomes Sam and catches her, putting her back outside the pen. Um. Hoyt, anybody? Nobody listens to me, but Sam does a bunch of Eastern Promises-style naked asskicking. He’s about to get nailed by Bud with a shovel when Jason and Andy burst in. Andy ends up shooting Bud before Bud can kill Sam. Sookie gets Jason’s attention, then points out how Hoyt’s being eaten by piggies. Jason rescues him, then cries over his near-lifeless body. Oh no.

Luna, in dog form, chases the Dragon down and beats the shit out of her. Count Luna as another character I didn’t realize I would love so much! My little sister and I spent about fifteen minutes texting each other in an ABSOLUTE RAGE when we though Luna had died.

Terry points the gun at Patrick, who’s like “Do what’s right!” Um, never say that to somebody who’s pointing a gun at you, because chances are, they think shooting you is what’s right. Turns out that’s what it is, as the Iraqi lady ghost appears and gives her blessing. She turns into the ifreet and steals Patrick’s body.

Pam, at Fangtasia and wearing an awesome corset, sees some long-haired douchebag sucking blood out of a lady’s titty ON ERIC’S THRONE. Pam’s like “Fuck no you didn’t.” and confronts him, but he tells her the ban has been lifted on public feeding and knocks her across the bar. Tara kneels down next to her while the vampire, Elijah, tells them that Eric’s out and he’s the new Sheriff of Area 5. Fuck, I cannot wait until this jockstrap gets staked in the face.

Russell walks with Steve, talking about his history with werewolves (I‘d like some Russell flashbacks). Newlin laments that he never had a pet, and Russell gets near-kissy with him before they go into the barn, where JD’s pack is. Russell offers up his blood, and all of them drink, except for Martha. She’s holding Emma and staying at the back of the barn. Russell asks what’s up, and she’s like “You’re gross, this is my pack but I am not taking part in your grossness, and also this is gross. Gross.” Russell, pissed, takes Emma from her, and the other wolves hold her back as he gives Emma to Steve as his pet. DON’T DO IT, STEVE, SHE’S JUST GOING TO TURN BACK INTO A WEIRD LITTLE GIRL. JD tries to get Emma back, but Russell accents him down, and he and Steve leave the barn.

Alcide, back in Jackson, goes into his father’s house. ROBERT PATRICK is no longer a vest-wearing werewolf hippie, but a sad drunk who watches dog races on television. Alcide tells him he’s a lone wolf now. ALCIDE. I know like 4000 vaginas who would welcome you into their pack.

The fererer84s visit Sookie and tell her that vampires are responsible for the factory bombings. Like duh they’re responsible.

Eric and Molly drug Nora and try to escape with her, but the elevator is full of Salome and SWAT guys. Bill comes in with more SWAT guys, and Eric’s like FOUL BETRAYER but why did you not see this coming, princess? Bill once BURIED YOU IN CEMENT. Bill tells Eric that Lilith chose Eric.

This does not bode well for Eric.

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