True Blood 5.12 – Save Yourself

True Blood airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO

PREVIOUSLY: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! True Blood, it is just like you to go full-hog awesome in the last twenty minutes of the last episode of the season.

FAERIELANDE: The fairies are still fairy fisting Russell, but he’s basically absorbing that shit like he’s in Dragon Ball Z or something, just with a giant boner. He laughs and taunts them, right up until Eric zooms in, drags him aside, and stakes him. It’s all very anticlimactic.

Sookie comes out and runs to Jason, trying to wake him up. Eric has to grab Nora by the scruff of the neck so she doesn’t eat Sookie. The Eric and Nora interactions are cute this episode; I hope there’s less weird incesty sex and more hilarious bickering next season. Sookie manages to face-slap the likely braindamaged Jason into consciousness, and upon waking, he starts to hallucinate his parents. Ruh roh.

AUTHORITY: Bill is surprised to find that his breakfast is Sam, and berates the guards for not being able to smell his shifterness. Sam tries to reason with him, explaining about Emma, but Bill is tiptoeing through the tulips of absolute crazy asshole madness, and prepares to murder Sam. Sam poofs into a fly and escapes during a prolonged scene of Bill jumping on chandeliers and wall sconces and shit, failing to capture him. Sam tells Luna she needs to shift if they come for her, and after some trepidation on her part, she agrees.

FANGTASIA! Eric blows in, fighting with Nora over which of them Godric loved more. Tara appears and informs them that Pam’s been absconded with. We learn that Eric keeps about eighty billion million dollars in the walls, which he packs into a briefcase with Nora as Tara hauls three travel coffins out. Nora and Eric argue some more over Eric’s insane plan, during which time he tells Nora that Tara is family and Nora has to be nice to her. Godric’s line is resilient, resourceful, and FULL OF CREAMPUFFS.

THE STACKHOUSE: Sookie tries to convince Jason to let her take him to the hospital, but he’s too busy developing his burgeoning crazycakes streak with his fake parents encouraging his vampire hatred. Eric, Tara, and Nora suddenly appear. Tara is still frosty, reminding Sookie that she owes Pam a favor and needs to join the A-Team so they can go bust her out. Jason is 100% against the idea, and Eric does that beautiful flirty menace thing he likes to do with dudes who hate him. Sookie reminds Eric that he still owns her house, and he promises to give it up if they live through the night. He lays out the plan for her–it’s not much of a plan, and even Jason can see that. But Sookie agrees to go along, on the strength of Eric’s claim that she’s the only one with a chance of saving Bill. Dear god, just forget that douche. Jason also says he’s going, after Daddy Stackhouse changes tack and tells Jason to think of all the vampires he‘ll be able to kill. Eric’s like “Oh, sweetie, don‘t be a fool.” Jason says he can be a fool if he wants to. He’s an American, dammit! I feel that Eric always kind of liked Jason, in the same way he likes Lafayette.

AUTHORITAH: Ugh, Bill drones on about how they got breached by shifters and makes his SWATpire team go fix shit. Salome inquires as to the whereabouts of Peter Mensah, and Bill says he killed him because Lilith gave him too much of a boner.

Sam goes to Luna and tells her that she needs to shift if the vampires come for her. She’s reluctant, but agrees, and Sam leaves again to find a new way out. Over in Cellblock V, Jessica and Pam discuss their dads’ new religious fervor. Pam is skeptical about Eric’s conversion, and proclaims that she’s sick of having to watch the same thing happen over and over again wrt religion taking over common sense. Me too, babe.

CHATEAU HERVEAUX: Alcide and his dad have some manly bonding time over a deer they killed together and are grilling. Holy butterscotch krimpets Joe Manganiello is beautiful. He’s got gray in his beard. We’re not gonna make it out of this alive. He banters with his dad about his dad’s lack of fashion sense, jokingly suggesting that they go get mani-pedis. I feel like Alcide is the kind of dude who could go get a mani-pedi with you and feel no shame, then fuck you manfully in a bed he built. Which is truly the best kind of dude.

Papa Herveaux tries to give him a speech about lost innocence, and Alcide shuts him down by reminding him he’s given it before, and that actions speak louder than words. A car speeds up into the driveway, and Martha gets out of it, telling Alcide to help her get Ricki out of the car. Ricki is going insane, alternately angry/terrified and ecstatic/horny, and Martha explains frantically that JD has been forcefeeding vampire blood to the pack. Alcide throws Ricki over his shoulder (she‘s a tiny lady but it‘s literally nothing to him, swoon), and takes her into the house so they can detox her with silver (it…forces the V out through the skin? I guess?). Ricki explains that after the forced blood, some of the younger female pack members were raped. I figure this is pretty much the moment Alcide decided to break JD in half. Also: why is Martha Boseman not the fucking pack master??? She annoyed me when she first showed up, but she’s become a good character and would make a really good leader, particularly with Alcide in her corner.

Papa Herveaux has a vial of strong-ass vampire blood that he decides to give to Alcide so that Alcide can fight on JD’s level.

Over in Dickbagville, JD has strung up a captured vampire and opens a vein for the terrified pack to drink out of. Nobody’s really into it, especially when Alcide comes barreling out of the woods (in a goddamn undershirt. I was not prepared for this) and proceeds to kick the absolute shit out of JD. It’s not a fight, it’s a face massacre. Some wolves try halfheartedly to come to JD’s aid, but they get knocked aside by Papa Herveaux and threatened with a goddamn giant compound bow wielded by Martha. Alcide, blind to everything, takes out like three seasons worth of frustration on JD, eventually snapping his neck in a thousand places. He gets up, and he tells the pack that they’re going to be awesome wolves instead of shitty wolves. The vampire’s like, awesome, can I come down now?

VAMPIRE MURDER SHOP FORMERLY OWNED BY THE LATE, UNLAMENTED PONYTAIL: Sookie and Jason stock up on murder implements. Only one of them is excited about it. I, however, am excited about the return of Jason’s adorable combat beanie.

MERLOTTE‘S: Closing time (they are never open), sorta. Lafayette camps around with a tray full of margaritas, giving one each to Holly and Arlene, and there is some very embarrassing shit that I cannot watch directly. Basically, whenever someone says “Oh, my goddess” on television or in movies, it’s my cue to cover my face and start screaming. When someone says it in real life, it’s my cue to start a furious windmill of slaps in the direction of the offending person. Sorry, pagans. (Not sorry, pagans. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, CURSE ME?)

Andy brings Marella into the bar, where he is flagrantly hit on by Jane Bodehouse, who implies that they have slept together. This is the face everyone makes at that:

Andy denies it, then does the right thing and tells Holly about Marella (who is drinking salt straight out of the container). Holly’s a little pissed, but doesn’t have time to be for long, because Marella proceeds to give birth to four clean girl babies on the pool table for like ten thousand hours, making orgasm noises the whole time. Lafayette, Arlene, and Jane watch, somewhere between amused and bemused. When it’s done, Marella smooths her skirt down and abandons Andy, telling him he’s responsible for making sure at least half of them make it to adulthood. Holly’s like “You’re a dick.”

AUTHORITY: Newlin gets Emma out of her cage and walks her to the elevator, saying he’s going to take her for a walk. Chelsea, the front desk receptionist, tells him excitedly that she passed her statistics exam, and also reminds him that they’re on lockdown. She then notices that his accent is now neutral instead of Southern, and he babbles about that until she gets super suspicious. Samfly lands on his lapel, and we know it is actually Luna in a Newlin suit! YES MORE ACTORS-ACTING-LIKE-OTHER-ACTORS. Roslyn shows up and bitches Newluna out for eating all those frat boys that one time, and says he’s going to go on national television for damage control. Newluna’s like “uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh oh” as s/he’s plopped down in front of a teleprompter and dabbed with makeup and yelled at some more by Roslyn. The feed goes live, and Luna turns back into herself, quickly spilling about the Authority before Roslyn knocks the camera over. She advances on Luna, but Samfly samflies into her mouth, and–holy shit–shifts back into a human while inside her. She explodes horrifically. FUCK YES THAT WAS AWESOME. She explodes, and he is covered in blood like Lilith (now would have been a perfect time for Bill to walk in and start crying). He turns back to look at Luna, and she passes out.

Elsewhere in the compound, Salome drinks Lilith’s blood all up after having some gross sex with Bill, and Bill makes devious faces. GEE I WONDER IF HE’S ACTUALLY BEEN A POWER-HUNGRY DOUCHEBAG THIS WHOLE TIME??? When you find someone attractive because they are power-hungry douchebags, don’t be surprised when that fucks you over. Also, while we‘re handing down relevant life lessons, do not stick your dick in crazy and/or let crazy stick its dick in you. Anyway, Salome’s Lilith blood was not only full of silver, it was also not Lilith’s blood. She vomits it up onto the floor while Bill tells her how smart he is. I’d feel bad for her, but come on. She had to have smelled the difference. Bill has the vial of Lilith’s actual blood, and he stakes Salome after she commends him for his douchebaggery.

Other elsewhere in the compound, Bill has allowed Eric and Nora to drive a bound/gagged Sookie/Tara/Jason onto the grounds, and has also let them all in the building. Jason proceeds to kill fucking everybody (Adios, Chelsea! I’m kinda bummed that you were so excited about your ultimately meaningless statistics exam) while Eric and Nora go to disable the computer systems, arguing adorably over the proper way to do it. Sookie and Tara free Jessica and Pam from their cells, and Tara gets all fucking Han Solo and makes out with Pam, who is totally into it. Sookie’s like “…omg” and seems okay but startled (probably more because it’s Pam than anything else), and Jessica’s ABSOLUTE, ALL-ENCOMPASSING GLEE is the best thing in the history of the universe as she says “I knew it!“ I’m so excited for her inevitable mental breakdown over Jason and Hoyt next season, which I hope manifests itself with her leaving bridal magazines where Tara can find them and going out with dudes SPECIFICALLY so she can unsuccessfully angle for double dates.

Everyone meets up back at the elevator. Sookie and Eric tell the rest to head up and clear the path for them–they’re going to try and save Bill, because they are literally the only two people left on the whole planet who love him enough to do this (still confused about when exactly Eric fell in love with him, but whatever, I like it). Jason is horrified, but goes anyway.

Eric and Sookie find Bill just about to drink Lilith’s blood, and Sookie cries and pleads with him not to do it, if he ever loved her at all. He’s basically the same kind of asshole he’s always been to her, reminding her that he said vampires will usually turn on a human who loves them the first time they met, and downs the blood. Then…he explodes and dies. Sookie and Eric are shocked, and hug each other, but Eric sees the puddle of blood start to congeal in the form of a naked Bill. When naked Bill finally emerges completely from the puddle, popping a set of huge Franklin-fangs, Eric shouts for Sookie to run. CUT TO BLACK.

Like, holy shit, right?!?!?! Overall, I’m fairly satisfied. None of the seasons of True Blood has ever been unambiguously good–there have been great elements and terrible ones, and this one upheld that tradition. It’s a fifty-five minute show with no commercials and a big cast, so obviously a lot of balls have to end up in the air at one time. Sometimes that doesn’t go so well (Terry’s whole deal this season was particularly awful). There were some unexpectedly great things, too, Tara and Pam being the standouts, followed closely by Andy’s development into the best thing about Bon Temps, Sam and Luna’s storyline, and the potential tracks being laid for Alcide next season. All told, I’m okay with this, and excited to see what happens next. How about you?

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  • Jooniper Pearl

    OMG this has to be the best review I have ever read! Hands down, you made me laugh harder than the show did! :) Also, was Anna starting to show at the end of the season? Is this why all the super bright hot pink FULL dresses? This was all just a great finale to a pretty good season.