Teen Wolf – 1.04 – Magic Bullet

Beacon Hills, after dark. An SUV is driving down a street in an abandoned warehouse-heavy part of town. The woman driving hears a news report of animal attacks plaguing the locals, and turns it off with a disgusted huff. As she drives along the street, something big and fast darts behind her car. Soon it’s running along the driver’s side of the car – it’s the CGI RidicuWolf Alpha. The driver starts to get a creepy feeling that something is amiss, and almost has a head-on collision with a pickup truck as she turns to glance over her shoulder. Oopsie.

hey gurl how you doin

The woman, Kate, quietly snarks at herself for her own shitty driving, and catches her breath for a moment. As she leans forward to shift the car back into drive, she’s stopped by a crash on the roof of the car. Kate reaches into the backseat for something but it’s too late – the Alpha smashes open the driver’s side window and starts dragging her out.

Kate is no easy prey, though. She grabs the shotgun she was reaching for and shoots at the Alpha through the roof of the car. Once it’s distracted, she throws herself out the passenger side with an awesome ninja roll and lands on her feet, shotgun at the ready.

OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE FOREVER BASICALLY.

From the fearlessly badass (hotass) way she taunts the hiding Alpha, I’m going to go ahead and guess that Kate’s last name is probably Argent. Now I know what to doodle dreamily on my Teeny Wofl Trapper Keeper, yay.

*****

Scott wakes up in the middle of the night as though something’s disturbed him. He listens for a moment, but there’s nothing, so he snuggles up into his blankie to go back to sleep, literally wriggling like a puppy. Scott, you ridiculously adorable little bastard, stop that.

Just as he’s getting comfy, he hears a single wolf howling in the distance, and jumps out of bed and right into his pants.

*****

Across town, Kate is trading in her shotgun for the sniper rifle in the trunk of her car. She takes some presumably special bullets out of a wooden case sitting amongst the vast arsenal she’s packing. Somewhere across space and time and fandoms, Dean Winchester pops a boner and isn’t really sure why. But he likes it.

*****

In yet another corner of Beacon Hills, Chris Argent is quietly heading out his front door. Allison’s awake, and asks her dad where he’s going at 2 in the morning – he tells her Aunt Kate texted to say she has car trouble. It’s technically not a lie, I guess – a werewolf smashing open the window and trying to hungrily devour you is certainly categorized as “trouble” in my book, at least.

Allison worries that it might be serious, but Chris tells her it’s just a flat tire, and sends her off back to bed.

*****

Back over in the scary side of town, Derek kneels to poke at a small pool of blood on the ground. From the corner of his eye, he sees some movement on top of a nearby building – it’s the CGI RidicuWolf scaling a roof and scurrying away like an angry hamster. Derek runs off in pursuit.

Kate, presumably hearing the Alpha’s growls, grabs her rifle and follows as well. She shoots Derek while he’s mid-leap across the roof, and he collapses in an undignified heap in a nearby alleyway. Kate looks terribly pleased with herself and ugh I love her so much that I am not even sure that I care that she just shot Derek.

Kate Argent, Life Ruiner.

Chris pulls up moments later, and Kate walks over to meet him. He’s not entirely happy to see her running around with an assault rifle over her shoulder, and tries to hurry her off into the car. Meanwhile, Scott is peeking around the corner, listening to their conversation, and hears that Kate’s shot one of the werewolves, but she doesn’t think it was the Alpha. Either way, the bullets she used will kill whoever was shot within the next 48 hours or so. Maybe.

o hai

Over in the alleyway, Derek drags himself up against a wall to examine his wounds – there’s a bullet buried in his left forearm, and it’s sort of glowing/steaming/being super weird and blue. For maybe the second time this entire series so far, Derek loses himself enough to actually show an emotion: fear.

*****

The next morning, Allison runs into the guest room, shrieking with delight at the sight of her Aunt Kate. Everything is hugs and giggles until Allison offers to help Kate unpack, and Kate automatically slaps her hand away from the duffel bag presumably containing her wolf-killin’ arsenal. Allison is startled, but readily accepts Kate’s apologies and her excuse that she didn’t sleep very well the night before.

Allison sort of idly asks if everything’s okay with Kate’s car, and Kate says she just needed a jump start – Allison’s totally confused, because her dad clearly said it was a flat tire last night. Way to go, Argents, can’t you even get your stories straight?

*****

Scott and Stiles are sitting in class as the teacher hands out the results of a recent test: Stiles is perfect and brilliant and delightful and has received an A; Scott, a D+. Stiles just sighs at his derpy BFF and then all but buries him under a barrage of questions about the Alpha and what Scott saw the night before. Scott gets twitchier and twitchier until in desperation he begs Stiles to stop asking so many goddamn questions.

*****

For some bizarro reason, Derek is staggering down the hallway in the high school, and man, he does not look at all good. This is deeply unsettling to me because Derek Hale always looks good.

Jackson’s nearby, poking around in his locker, and Derek stomps up to him and demands to know where Scott is. Jackson is too much of a smartass for his own good, and refuses to tell Derek anything until Derek reveals what exactly it is that he’s selling Scott. LOL IRL. Jackson thinks Derek is Scott’s drug dealer, how adorable. Admittedly, Derek does look like a sweaty, strung out meth freak right now.

Derek’s had about enough of Jackson’s smartassery, and plus, he’s bleeding all over the floor. He turns to stalk off grumpily to find Scott himself, and Jackson makes the foolish mistake of grabbing Derek’s shoulder to stop him.

Derek has Jackson slammed face-first up against a locker faster than you can say UNF, and claws the back of Jackson’s neck bloodily before storming away. Jackson’s all flushed and trembling and scared and oh god I am the hugest creeper in all the land because damn, that is a really good look on him.

Derek barely makes it around the corner before he has to slump up against the wall for a minute and catch his breath. He filters through the normal, everyday background noises of the high school until he overhears a conversation between Lydia and Allison about Allison and Scott’s study date that evening. Derek is hilariously transfixed by Lydia and Allison’s discussion of Allison’s potential sex life, until the unbearably loud ring of the bell at the end of the class period almost sends him to his knees. That’s what you get for perving like a creeper, dude.

*****

Stiles hauls ass out of the school as soon as classes are over. He gets into his jeep and pulls out of the parking lot, only to be stopped by Derek staggering out in front of his car. The cars behind Stiles immediately start honking and generally causing a commotion, drawing Scott’s attention from over at the bike racks.

Derek collapses in front of Stiles’ car and Scott scampers over in his fairly usual state of totally helpless panic. Scott demands to know what Derek is doing there, and Derek tells them he’s been shot and can’t seem to heal himself. Scott remembers overhearing Kate say that whoever was shot would have roughly 48 hours to live, and Derek takes the news pretty badly – he’s getting a little wolfy and can’t seem to stop himself.

Everyone in the parking lot is acting like the hugest honking assholes in the entire goddamn world and OH MY GOD I want to reach through the teevee screen and disembowel them all very slowly. STOP HONKING YOU TERRIBLE CHILDREN OR I WILL EAT YOUR HEARTS BEFORE YOUR TERRIFIED DYING EYES. Gah.

Jackson gets out of his car to investigate, recognizing Derek from earlier in the afternoon. Scott and Stiles drag Derek off the ground and throw him into Stiles’ car. Before Stiles drives off, Derek tells Scott to find out what kind of bullet was used to shoot him. Scott has no idea how to go about this, and looks incredibly startled when Derek explains that the shooter was Kate Argent.

As Stiles drives away with Derek, Allison approaches Scott to find out what’s going on – she can’t figure out why Derek would be hanging out with Scott and Stiles after Scott was so cranky about Derek driving her home from the party. Didn’t Scott say they weren’t really friends with Derek?

Man, there is not one single person in Beacon Hills who can tell a decent lie, is there. NOT ONE.

Scott reminds Allison that they have a study date, and she returns to her car as Scott runs over to grab his bike. Jackson, having watched the entire exchange with ridiculously obvious suspicion, stops to stare dramatically at Scott as Scott derps around with his bike. Ugh, can you two just make out already? Kthx.

*****

OH MY GOD I HAVE JUST REALIZED THAT THIS EPISODE IS NAMED AFTER A VIBRATOR

DID YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE JEFF DAVIS

DID YOU

oh my god i want to enter into a federally recognized civil union with this entire show

*****

Using his, uh, super awesome werewolf bike-riding powers, Scott arrives at Allison’s house at the same time she pulls up in her car. When she looks at him like he’s maybe a little bit crazy, Scott stammers something ridiculous about finding a shortcut. His giant puppy eyes save the day and Allison buys his story once he tells her he’s stressed about classes, because he’s “not doing as good this year”.

Oh Scott. Allison and I think you really meant “not doing as well”.

Scott’s derpiness thus established, Allison opens her front door and walks inside. Scott hesitates on the doorstep, looking around nervously. What, is he a vampire now? Does he seriously need an invitation into the house? That is super silly, I am just saying.

They go upstairs and oh, how totally precious – Scott thinks they’re there to actually get some studying done. Allison pounces on him and they proceed to make out a whole lot.

Okay, so, I love them both utterly and completely but wow, I find this relationship stuff of theirs super tedious.

Suddenly Scott realizes that his heart is pounding, and his hand, resting on Allison’s butt, is starting to claw up in a rather wolfy way. He pulls away from Allison, and when she asks what’s wrong, tells her nervously that he doesn’t want to make her feel like she has to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

Scott, you silly sausage. What she wants to do is YOU.

Scott’s ringing phone interrupts them momentarily, and he grabs it to see that there’s a message from Stiles. Stiles and Derek are driving around in Stiles’ car, and they need Scott to find the bullets that shot Derek already.

Oh man, Derek is looking rough. And Stiles’ bitchface is delightful to behold.

>:|

Scott texts back that he needs more time to find the bullet. Scott! The bullet is NOT LOCATED INSIDE ALLISON’S BLOUSE! I am just saying.

Derek panics a bit when Stiles tells him that they’re heading to Derek’s house. Derek doesn’t want to be out there when he can’t protect himself, so Stiles just pulls over to the side of the road and sulks mightily. What are they even going to do if Scott can’t find the bullet? Derek apparently has one last resort plan, which seems to involve showing Stiles his super gross wound to creep Stiles out really badly. He tells Stiles to start the car, but Stiles is too cranky to be intimidated by a pasty, shivering werewolf. That is, until Derek threatens to tear Stiles’ throat out with his teeth.

Okie dokie then.

*****

Oh my god, Scott McCall, you selfish horrible douchebag. DON’T TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

Scott sticks his turned-off phone into his sweatshirt pocket and goes back to the incredibly important task of cuddling with Allison. Over to the side, in one of her still-unpacked moving boxes, Scott sees a picture of Chris and Kate together, and asks Allison who it is. She tells him it’s her Aunt Kate.

It is wildly entertaining to watch Scott’s wee little puppy mind finally putting two and two together. Yes, Scott, this is the same woman you saw shooting at Derek, the same woman talking with Chris Argent about deadly-to-werewolves bullets, the same woman Derek himself told you was related to the Argents. YES, SCOTT. I don’t even know how he puts his pants on in the morning without hurting himself, tbh.

Scott kind of lamely says that Kate looks familiar, and Allison tells him that Kate used to live in Beacon Hills, so maybe Scott’s seen her before. Scott goes back to casually rooting through Allison’s things, finding photos and paintings and a folder hilariously titled “poetry”; Allison insists that she was crap at all of them. When Scott asks her what she IS actually good at, she promises to show him as long as he doesn’t laugh.

Girlfriend, please. Scott is not going to laugh at you – he’s going to stare at you mushily forever and ever and ever.

They go downstairs into the garage, which is full of unpacked moving boxes, and to Scott’s abject bestartlement, Allison whips out a compound bow. At least she hasn’t got an arrow pointed at you, dude.

Scott next notices that the entire far wall of the garage is made up of a huge, open gun safe full of assault rifles and handguns. Allison explains that they’re not actually crazy militia-loving gun nuts (O RLY) but that her dad is an arms dealer for local law enforcement. That’s actually a pretty damn good cover story for once.

Allison somehow completely manages to miss Scott’s very obvious discomfort, and decides she wants to make out with him up against the gun safe. Scott gets over his issues pretty fast, and there’s more smooching. The garage door suddenly opens and Chris enters with a moving box to stack on top of the others nearby. Off inside the house, Kate calls to him to help her with the groceries.

Just as Scott and Allison think they’re home free, Chris walks over casually and asks them to help out with the groceries as well. They make sad little derpfaces, like puppies caught eating the trash again. SO ADORABLE.

we were hiding under the porch because we love you

*****

Outside, Scott’s grabbing a bag of groceries from the trunk of the car when he gets another text from Stiles, telling him that Derek looks like shit. Chris tries to send Scott home, but Kate invites him to stay for dinner. Scott and Chris are basically railroaded into agreeing, because Kate is an awesome glorious delightful force of nature and I love her forever. Even if she does drive a grotendous-looking car.

*****

Dinner is incredibly awkward, and Scott spends most of the time trying to regulate his heartbeat. Allison’s mom, Victoria, asks him if he wants something other than water to drink, and Chris pokerfacedly offers him a beer, or maybe some tequila. Even Scott’s not stupid enough to fall for that kind of shit, Chris, come the fuck on.

Chris continues his blatant interrogation and asks Scott if he’s ever smoked weed. Allison looks like she wants to stab her dad in the face with her fork, which tbh would probably not be too out of place in this family. Kate intervenes each time and tries to change the subject to something less horrifying – like Scott’s place on the lacrosse team, for example. Scott describes lacrosse as like hockey, except on grass and not on the ice.

Chris: Hockey on grass? Is called “field hockey”.

Oh snap.

Things just go downhill from there. Eventually Scott is interrupted by another text from Stiles, this one telling Scott to call him immediately. The rest of Allison and Chris’ argument is drowned out in Scott’s ears by the increasingly agitated sound of Allison’s heartbeat, which is pounding in anger. Scott reaches over under the table and takes Allison’s hand, and then smiles at Chris and asks for the offered shot of tequila after all. Everyone at the table thinks this is a delightful joke, and Scott has saved the day.

*****

Scott excuses himself from the table to call Stiles back. Stiles and Derek are still sitting on the side of the road in Stiles’ jeep, and Derek looks like 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag. Stiles still has no idea where to take Derek, and besides, he’s starting to smell like death. Scott tells him to take Derek to the animal clinic, and he’ll meet them there as soon as he can. He still has no idea how to find the bullet, and Derek telling him that he’s dead without the bullet is not a really great motivator. So Derek tells Scott that eventually, the Alpha is going to summon Scott again, and next time, Scott will either kill someone with the Alpha, or be killed by it. And only Derek can help him with that, obviously. Scott is suddenly really inspired to poke around looking for the bullet.

He opens a nearby door and a loud alarm goes off. Scott, you are dumb. Kate slinks gorgeously out of the dining room and asks him what the hell he’s doing, and Scott pretends that he was looking for the bathroom. She sends him off to the bathroom attached to the nearby guest room – the room in which all her things are kept.

Scott goes into the guest bedroom and sort of stands there foolishly for a minute. He somehow wolfishly senses that Kate’s bag is under the bed and full of magic Derek-killing bullets, and roots through it until he finds the wooden case holding the remaining 9 bullets. He grabs one and stares at it for a really stupidly long amount of time before stuffing it into his pants pocket.

On the top of the box, Scott sees the words “ACONIT NAPEL BLEU NORDIQUE”, but these big words are confusing to puppy, so he runs them through the translation app on his phone. Looks like the bullets are made with Nordic blue monkshood, which is presumably deadly to werewolves. He sends the info to Stiles.

*****

Stiles and Derek arrive at the vet clinic, and the caged animals are going nuts from Derek’s scary wolfy scent. Stiles receives Scott’s message and asks Derek about it – Derek says it’s a rare form of wolfsbane, and that Scott needs to bring him the bullet ASAP.

*****

Scott tries to back out of the rest of dinner, but the Argents insist that he stay for dessert. They talk about Scott’s work at the animal clinic, and Chris asks if his boss has any ideas about the recent animal attacks. Scott sticks to the popular story of a rogue mountain lion. Chris gives him a Scary Lesson Story about rabid dogs and the need for them to be put down unmercifully before they kill everyone in town, and Scott is, for once, able to read between the lines.

*****

Stiles drags Derek into the vet clinic’s operating room, and HOORAY Derek rips off his own shirt. Other things happen but I don’t know what they are because unf.

Derek’s wounded arm is infected and totally gross-looking. Once the infection reaches his heart, it will kill him. And if Scott doesn’t get there with the bullet in time, Stiles is going to have to help Derek out with his terrible plan of last resort – cutting Derek’s arm off with a bone saw.

D:

*****

Allison brings Scott’s school bag downstairs to him and apologizes for her crazy family’s crazy behavior. Scott barely seems to even remember his uncomfortable interrogation when Allison’s smiling at him, though. As he’s about to leave, Kate confronts him and says that she knows he took something from her bag, so he’d better hand it over. Ruh roh.

Scott looks totally freaked, and Kate is getting more and more scarily insistent that Scott empty his pockets. Chris joins them to loom threateningly beside his sister. I guess being hot and terrifying is an Argent family trait.

Eventually Allison jumps in and tells Kate that SHE was the one who took something from Kate’s bag. And that something? It was a condom. That shuts everyone up really, really quickly.

oh snap

Scott’s about to ride off on his bike when it finally occurs to him that Allison stole a condom from her aunt’s bag because she wants to have The Sex with him. Oh Scott, bless your little cotton socks. Just sit there and look pretty, okay?

*****

Over at the vet’s office everyone else is not having nearly as much fun. Derek hands Stiles the bone saw and finishes tying off his infected arm like a junkie. Stiles just stares at the saw with the most horrified look on his precious little cookie face and flails helplessly. Maybe Stiles won’t faint at the sight of blood, but he’ll probably faint at the sight of, you know, a CHOPPED OFF ARM. Derek is completely unsympathetic, which I of course forgive immediately because his shirt is still off. (For those of you who are new, I am the most shallow person in the entire world and I regret nothing.)

Stiles is really incredibly reluctant to go around sawing arms off, and is getting less and less intimidated by Derek the worse he looks. That is, until Derek hauls him across the table and threatens to cut Stiles’ head off if Stiles doesn’t cut his arm off. This, my internets friends, is way hotter than it has any possible right to be.

basically porn

Unfortunately Derek chooses this particular moment to hork up nasty-looking black slime all over the clinic’s floor. Things are not looking good for our sexy lurking antihero! Just as Stiles is about to brace himself and saw off Derek’s arm, Scott bursts in and sees Stiles holding the saw. Being Scott, he panics horribly, like Stiles would ever choose to do this on his own. What even is wrong with you, Scott McCall.

Scott pulls out the bullet and hands it to Derek. Before anything useful can be done with it, though, Derek collapses and drops the bullet. It rolls across the floor and falls through a nearby grate.

Stiles paws helplessly at Derek’s face, trying to wake him up, while Scott tries to reach the bullet through the grate. Eventually he just wolfs out a little and grabs it with his claws. I am always SO PROUD OF HIM whenever he thinks of something clever all by himself. YAY SCOTT!

Stiles makes the questionable decision to, uh, punch Derek awake, and seriously miraculously it works right away. Derek hauls himself to his feet and grabs the bullet. He cracks it open to dump out the wolfsbane contained within, and sets it ablaze with a lighter. Derek gathers up the charred residue and packs it into the bullet wound on his arm.

I know Derek’s meant to be screaming in pain, but really, was it necessary to have him on his back on the floor, writhing sweatily and wildly thrusting his hips? Really? Is this fair? NO IT DEMONSTRABLY IS NOT.

The infection recedes from his arm, and a glowing blue smoke oozes out of the wound until it heals right before everyone’s eyes. Stiles, predictably, thinks the entire thing was SUPER AWESOME.

Derek seems to mostly be okay, aside from the agonizing pain and all, so Scott decides to give him a slightly terrified ultimatum – Derek had better leave them alone, or Scott will go back to Allison’s dad and tell him everything. Derek thinks Scott is the biggest moron in the entire universe for even considering putting his trust in the Argents. Scott whines that they’re a lot nicer than Derek is. Yeah, probably not.

Derek has something to show him that might change Scott’s mind.

*****

They pull up at the Beacons Crossing Home, some kind of long-term care facility. Inside, Derek leads them through the hallways to a room with a single patient inside. The man sitting catatonic in a wheelchair is Peter Hale, Derek’s uncle. Peter’s also a werewolf, and he’s the only other survivor of the fire that killed Derek’s entire family. Derek and Laura were at school that day, and of the 12 people trapped in the house, only Peter was able to escape. And oh yeah, since the Argents were the only ones who knew that the Hales were werewolves, it’s pretty obvious that they’re the ones who started the fire.

Scott cretinously says that this means the Argents had a reason for setting the fire, and Derek just looks at him like he’s the dumbest dumbass ever to dumb. He grabs Peter’s wheelchair and spins it around to face Scott, showing him Peter’s horrible melty burn scars all down the side of his face. What exactly does Scott think justifies something like that?

A nurse catches them in Peter’s room and throws them out of the facility. Scott, for once, has no other foolish comments to make.

*****

Allison sneaks out of her house to call Scott and leave an apologetic message on his voicemail. As she turns to go back inside, she notices some broken glass from Kate’s car in the driveway. She takes a closer look and sees that the window was definitely broken, in contrast with both Chris’ and Kate’s stories.

*****

Inside, Kate and Chris are discussing the wolf that Kate shot the day before. She says the one she was initially chasing was huge and powerful, but the one she actually shot was leaner and faster. Chris thinks the latter was Derek Hale, and he’s not sure that there are only two of them anymore. However, he’s pretty sure that if Derek is still alive, Derek will lead them to the other wolves – at which point, they’ll take care of the entire pack, according to the Code.

Kate is totally open about her disdain for doing anything according to some Code, and maybe a little bit crazy-looking as she lights a fire in the fireplace (lol dramatic foreshadowing), but I love her nonetheless. She promises Chris that she’ll play by the rules and gives him what can only be classified as a sassy wink.

kate argent be my vampire bride

I wanna make out with her forever, basically.

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  • I am going to comment here to make sure they stay turned on because the internet doesn’t want you to talk to your readers and I think the internet is a dumb, smelly butt-face giant.

    • Liz

      lol butts

  • Chris

    Every one of your recaps shows me realizations that cannot be unrealized. And I love it. :)

    Magic Bullet!!!!! (That civil union may not be recognized in Kansas. No civil unions of any kind, here.)

    • Liz

      thank you so much for reading!