Last week was STFU-gate, and this week it’s the Bickersons vs. Brandi, The Showdown to put the Ho Down. But before we get there, Kyle and Mauricio egg their own house. I just… Whatever. Let’s go visit the Try Hards.
Goodness me, there are cracked eggs on the house and sidewalk, and delicious, beautiful succulent Mauricio (I can’t help myself, sorry) is Very Upset. Who could be doing this? It’s on the cars, maybe? Is it vengeance? Kyle says that it isn’t anyone their teen daughter Alexia knows, because everyone loves her. EYE ROLL.
Let’s go investigate! Blah blah, look in Daddy’s hands because they didn’t get your car, sweetie. Yes, this was an elaborate ruse to get their 16 year old newly licensed daughter outside to be given a freakin’ Benz. We know Alexia is ecstatic because we’re told she is. She does stop smacking her gum for about ten seconds and doesn’t even text as she walks to her new car. Pretty excited!
Mostly I just want to point out that Mauricio is gorgeous and that it’s nice that he likes being a daddy. [turns on Hi-Fi to sultry Teddy Pendergrass record] Mauricio? I’ll call you daddy. I am a lonely housewife, okay? Do I need to point to the title of this blog? Okay, then.
Brandi escapes the ghetto for an afternoon to meet with her book agent for some gossip and shop talk. Brandi really wants her book title to feature the word “Fuck” because she clearly has no idea how publishing works. Girl, the Walmarts isn’t gonna carry your book with an F Bomb on it! She calls herself the Truth Cannon, and maybe THAT should be your title? They can shape your mouth to look like a long nozzle with “ADRIENNE IS A FUGLY HO” blasting out of it. I’d buy that.
Lisa is at Sur setting up a tasting party for their new appetizers, just the housewives and their men are coming. But first, she has to deal with some business as a teaser to her new series that starts in January about the Sexy Lives of her Wait and Bar Staff! Sizzle!
There’s some BS with a waitress, Stassi, about how she was drunk at work and said “fucking” to an Ari Gold-esque talent agent, and not in the “me in the bathroom” way that he expected, ergo, she should be fired. This town is gross.
Mommy tells her to go home and think about what she’s done. And maybe Lisa let this air to embarrass the agent, who knows?
The camera crew braves Crenshaw during a gang fight to show us Brandi’s house. She’s straightening her hair while calling Lisa to make sure that bitch waitress that bagged her husband isn’t going to be there. Brandi is very nice about it, not wanting drama. After all, there’s enough drama what with Doughboy going after them Busters that shot up Tre, right?
Can we just have one night where there ain’t no fighting, nobody gets shot?
[Seriously. You have to know that movie. It’s in the NATIONAL REGISTRY.]
While we wait for the guests to arrive, we learn that Ken is going to have an overdue surgery on his hip tomorrow from a long ago Polo accident. I am not making that up. Kim gets there first, and will wonders never cease? Blah blah others, MAURICIO, everyone else is there, have some wine. Yes, please.
Adrienne isn’t there because she wasn’t invited. Wait, no, she was busy. Riiiight. Oh, that’s just fine, because now Brandi would like to explain to everyone (after they cajole her) why she hates Adrienne and Paul. Her book agent said that Adrienne lies a lot (Jesus Christ. Your book agent said?) and Paul tried to bully Brandi into lying about Lisa and I would like to remind everyone that this is not a show about junior high cliques.
She talks for what seems like nine hours. Long enough that the souffle has wilted, Taylor has climbed onto Jax’s shoulders, waving around a bottle of vodka and demanding that everyone call her “pretty,” and Kyle has knifed a waitress for making eyes at Mauricio.
Brandi says one last thing that we don’t hear because the bitches that edit this show are evil, and everyone goes bananas. That’s private! You don’t say that! Oh my god, the sky is falling! (That’s Taylor, who just knocked some decorations off the patio trees.) Kim is super upset, you guys, because that wasn’t cool.
Speaking of the Bickersons, they’re having a BBQ and ha ha, Adrienne mocks how Paul does everything from cutting the lettuce to not knowing how to work the grill to his hairy back. WOW THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. I would like to remind everyone that Adrienne washed a plucked chicken with hand soap.
Before we get to the Main Event, we have a moment of cuteness with Lisa and Ken. It’s time for Ken’s surgery and he’s being perfectly stoic and British about the whole affair while Lisa tries to not fall apart.
Things to note: there is valet at the hospital. Of course there is. Ken expects satin sheets and actually had someone call ahead to make sure they’d be there. Lisa really does love him quite a lot, actually. Pandora and Max the CHAV show up for more love, and they are the most functional family on the whole show, let’s just be clear.
Party time! Mauricio is throwing a shindig to move condos (he’s launching his own real estate agency) and the gang’s all here, including Camille Grammar! She has her Greek lover with her and a chill runs up my spine wondering where Friend For Hire Didi is. You know she’s lurking. Probably held onto the undercarriage of the limo spitting geepsee curses at the man that stole her love.
Time for a dick joke, because Camille’s only been here for two minutes. We get it. Kelsey has a squat pud. I would really like to not know that, okay?
The rest of the group arrives, about twenty-eight minutes are devoted to cheek kissing and bored expressions. Kim scuttles over to Paul and Adrienne, because she just wants them to know that people were saying things about them behind their backs, because that’s NOT WHAT YOU DO, MORON. Kim? Camera three.
Kim. Look, Tia Witch Mountain. That’s great that you spend your days rubbing patchouli oil into your taint and singing Negro Spirituals to the Great Earth Mother or what the hell ever, but you don’t rub people’s faces in the mud like this. You need to realize that the scared, “Where am I? Where’s Mama?” look on your face is now permanent and I want you to stop. Just stop all the things you’re doing. Go make a bathtub of chicken salad and think about what you’ve done, Missy.
The Bickersons are super excited that there’s a reason for them to fight someone other than each other. Paul gets irate, calling Brandi a bitch, Adrienne latches on to a phrase and beats it into the ground, “She lies all the time.” Oooh, lawsuits! Character Assassination! What the hell did the show bleep out?
- Paul is actually a Commie Spy and Adrienne is Karl Rove’s lover.
- Adrienne is actually a man…Paul’s younger brother!
- Paul is actually a shaved ape that learned how to talk and perform surgery. He makes Adrienne dress up like Koko to remember his “roots.”
- They’re on the road to divorce. (Nah, can’t be that one.)
Paul wants to confront Brandi, who is wearing a vest made from a Labradoodle and sitting with Camille.
Paul calls Brandi a bitch, she’s all, “Short asshole says what?” and they go back and forth like freaking fourteen year olds. Need I remind you that this is Mauricio’s party? And of course, Kim is trapped in the spotlight, not sure how things went so horribly wrong. (I told you, Kim. GET IN YOUR CHICKEN SALAD BATH AND REFLECT.)
Paul almost hauls off and cuts a bitch, Brandi is all “MUH FUH I LIVE IN THE ‘HOOD I WILL STRAIGHT UP KILL YO ASS!”
Paul actually calls Brandi a piece of shit. Nice. It always cracks me up wh en either Paul or Adrienne talk about people having “class.” They need to look into some, god knows they have enough money to get it. Adrienne say Brandi is a drug addict and sleeps until 3pm (oh my god!) while Brandi keeps saying, “You’re making a scene!”
Who has the class here?
Kyle hustles Paul and Adrienne out of there as Paul shouts, “I want her dead. I want her family dead. I want this whole place burned to the ground!” While Mauricio tries to get someone to look at the amazing view of the Convention Center from this angle as the Bickersons exit.
Next week! Mauricio is done with Kim and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick makes an appearance! (I love her.)