We’re baaaack. And so is the crazy! This episode was 84 minutes and 22 seconds of wow. (And by “wow”, I mean, where do they find these people??)
We start the show seeing Sean and his beautiful pecs and abs, all naked and stuff. Okay, he’s just shirtless, but whatever. He’s a freaking Ken Doll and isn’t hard to look at.
We have to recap his heartbreak over last season’s Bachelorette, when Emily kicked him to the curb for Jef-with-one-F. (Who, has also been kicked to the curb, apparently–a couple of times. Not sure if they’re “together” now or not. My guess is, not.) Anyway, Sean fell hard for Emily and had his heart broken. But obviously, he wasn’t too devastated because he’s back to find True TV Love again.
BTW, after Emily broke his heart, Sean realized that God had a different plan in mind for him. I’m wondering if Sean missed God’s message. I think He was just trying to tell Sean to sign up for ChristianMingle.com.
Okay, so back to the program. Arie (oh he of the panty-dropping kisses) shows up to toast being the biggest losers of Emily’s season. They pour a pint and laugh at being sent packing. Sean says watching Emily on TV helped him heal and get over the heartbreak. Gee? Really? Watching Emily make out with every dude except for one helped you move on? Imagine that.
Arie is giving Sean advice on how to be cool–how to ask them to accept the rose. “How are you going to break up with them?” Sean responds: “It’s not like I can stop texting to them. And I certainly can’t say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ when it’s obviously them.”
I admit. That made me chortle. (chortle. What a great word)
Then comes the very best part of the conversation.
Sean: When people describe me, I’m the “all-american guy.” when they describe you, all they talk about is your kissing. Apparently you nailed that aspect of it. So show me some pointers.”
Arie proceeds to show him…and it’s fantastic. I love these guys. They are cracking me up.
Arie: Use your hands. Pull her in close. You’re not just kissing her with your lips, you’re kissing her with your body.
And THIS is why my panties melted off of me every time I saw him kiss Emily.
Now let’s meet the HOtestants!
First hometown video is the very perky Tierra and her Yorkie, Reese. Wow. She’s just a little too excited about Sean. She’s from Denver, CO and everything she says comes out of her mouth like it’s a cheer. “Go Fight Win a HUSBAND!”
Robyn from Houston. She is self-described as quirky. And then they show her with sticky-notes all over her apartment. She’s learning Spanish via Post-Its. And then she does a back flip.
Diana from Salt Lake City. “I own a hair salon, and that is pretty cool.” Yes. She said it. She is a single mom and we get the obligatory perfect mom video montage.
Sarah from L.A. She’s just an average girl who’s crazy about her career. There’s just one thing different about her…and that is she was born with only one arm. *Queue Bachelor Sweetheart music*
Ashley P. is a hairstylyst and she has no idea why she’s still single. She has to admit there’s one man in her life…and that’s Christian Grey from 50 Shandes of Grey. “I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me.” Hmmmm. I’m not so sure that you’re God’s choice for Sean, Ashley P. You need to have better taste in fictional heroes. If you need a couple of suggestions, hit me up.
Lesley is a Political Consultant. She doesn’t like nerds or politicians. She’s from Arkansas (which is where I’m from, BTW) She says she’s the modern Southern Belle.
Kristy is a model. “Girls will be jealous of me.” That’s really all we need to know about her.
AshLee (yes. that’s how she spells it) is a professional organizer. Everything is organized but her life. She was adopted at 6 by a pastor and his wife. AshLee, you may just be God’s choice for Sean…
Sean closes his eyes and says a quiet prayer as the limo arrives. We hear the vapid squeals of “OMG he’s so cute!” while Sean is lost in vespers.
First to exit is AshLee. “They say save the best for last, but not in this case” she says. She looks lovely in her red satin beauty pagent gown.
Jackie from Florida. She puts on bright red lipstick and “puts her mark” on Sean.
Selma from San Diego. She hugs him and then pulls a tissue out of her cleavage and wipes away Jackie’s mark.
Leslie H. (a Poker dealer) from L.A. “You’re a hunk! Holy Toledo!”
Daniella from San Francisco totally does this awkward “up-high, down-low, to the side, up-high, down-low and fist bump” hand shake with Sean. She may be the coolest chick on earth, but this was an epic fail.
Kelly from Nashville, TN…sings him a horrible song that she wrote. She is also wearing a beauty pagent dress. Lots of satin, sequins, and a missing back. There seems to be a trend with these chicks.
Katie from Charlotte. Yoga instructor, wearing no shoes with her prom dress.
Ashley P. Little miss 50 Shades of Grey. She opens with “Have you read any good books lately?” She pulls a gray tie from her cleavage and says, “Maybe you can show me how to use this later?” *crickets* *awkard stuttering* “I’m guessing I know the symbolism behind this?” “RIGHT? Crazy. I’ll see you inside.”
Taryn from Oregon. She informs Sean she hasn’t watched the past few seasons which is good, so they can get to know each other fresh and new.
Catherine from Seattle. She’s got hippy hair but she’s wearing sequins. “Find me for a dance…”
Lacey from Valencia, CA. What is up with ALL THESE FREAKIN’ SEQUINED GOWNS?! Lacey says she goes by Lace and hands Sean a Lace Heart that she hopes he’ll keep tucked next to his heart to remember her by.
Paige from New York, NY. She admits she was on Bachelor Pad 3…but it was a short-lived experience.
Tierra steps out with a giant Husband-Catching smile. She shows him an open-heart on her ring finger and tells him she hopes he’s the one to complete it. He smiles and says “You know what, wait right here.” Tierra looks like she’s about to shit in her sequins. She thinks he’s gonna send her home…but instead, he brings her a rose. He likes her energy…so then he asks her to accept the rose, just like he and Arie practiced.
Amanda from Newport, CA. She comes out saying you know that awkward pause at the beginning of a relationship, let’s just go ahead and get it out of the way now. They hold hands and make faces for 10 seconds while being quiet. Amanda? That was only awkward for the viewers…
Keriann from Boca Raton, FL. She tells Sean she drove 2775 miles for a shot with him. So please don’t send me home. I mean, “I hope the adventure continues with us.”
Desiree from L.A. brought some pennies so they can make a wish together in the fountain. *yawn*
Sarah the one-armed girl from hometown video. She is classy and elegant. White dress, black shoes, no plunging necklines, no gimmicks (well, if we’re gonna be honest, her gimmick is built in)… She’s just straight forward and sweet. I would like her even if she had both arms.
Brooke from Pittsburgh, PA. She kinda reminds me of Dorothy Dandridge. A classic beauty. Also she’s wearing feathers, which I like a lot. She purrs in his ear when she hugs him.
Diana from the hometown videos. Eh. Meh. She tells him he looks like Ken but forgets to tell him her name.
Leslie from DC via Arkansas. She brings a football. Sean is center, and she just stares at his butt…
Kristy the model from Wisconsin. “Sean, did you invite these girls, because I didn’t.” Her mouth is HUGE.
Ashley H. Another model. “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie.” Her dress is another satin and sequin pagent dress. Just this side of trashy. Something you might see a country and western singer wearing…
IS EVERYONE NAMED ASHLEY THESE DAYS? good grief.
Lauren from Rhode Island. She comes from a close-knit Italian family. Her dad sent a message: “If you break my heart, he’s gonna break your legs.”
Lindsay from Missouri steps out of the limo wearing a wedding dress and veil. “You may now kiss the bride.” She kisses him and he says “Wow! Now that we’ve made out, what’s your name?”
Mr. Overpaid steps out after the bride walks down the aisle and informs Sean that there’s one more person he gets to meet. There will be 26 HO-testants this season…and this person called to specifically ask to be on the show.
Kacie B. from Bachelor Ben’s season. (Remember, her family were teetotalers and Ben ran a vineyard? Yeah, that’s why he didn’t pick her..) Well, that and she didn’t give him a handy-J in the ocean like Courtney did… Maybe she’s learned her lesson and will apply her knowledge to Sean…
When Kacie walks into the room with the other HO-testants, she’s recognized immediately and things get tense. Claws come out…As they did when Tierra walked in with a rose. One of the girls even said “She must’ve brought that herself.”
There was also a catty little comment, “I guess the rules to the game have changed.”
“She had her chance with Ben, so it’s not fair she’s here for Sean.”
The Cocktail party is pretty boring. We focus mostly on 3 girls. Drunk Ashley P. and her crazy 50 Shades of Grey obsession. She does a lot of booty dancing and has crazy eyes. I’m thinking she’d cut a bitch if she thought someone was in her way. Muy loco. Drunk Lindsay and her wedding gown, and Sarah and her 1.5 arms…
Sean does things a little different…and hands out roses each time a girl impresses him. Desiree gets a rose after their one-on-one time. She is a designer and ultimately wants to design wedding dresses.
When she walks into the lion’s den with her rose, the Ho-testants get really pissy. *MEEEEEEOW*
AshLee walks in with a rose. The girls are even pissier.
Twelve girls wind up with a rose prior to the rose ceremony: Desiree, AshLee, Katie, Robyn, Sarah, Selma, Brooke, Catherine, Jackie, Leslie H., and Diana.
Poor Little Drunk Bride. She’s hammered and says she think Sean missed the joke of her wearing a wedding dress. And then she says she wishes she was a little more sober. Then she forces Sean to dance with her and tries to force him to kiss her. “I’m just kidding. Ultimately we have the same morals.”
Lindsay starts “booty-dancing” as she waits for her time with Sean. Finally, she gets bored dancing for the girls so she crunks her way to Sean and interrupts his time with Paige. She pulls out the tie and Sean says “I have a rape whistle just in case I need it.” Ashley says her mom calls Sean her “son-in-law”. Good grief. This girl is 50 Shades of hammered. And she proves that when she falls down the steps. (Yes. Steps. as in 2 steps. Not stairs. Good gracious. I wish he’d keep her around, but I don’t see that happening.)
Dorothy Dandridge, Brooke are chatting away and Taryn is whining about how she refuses to interrupt his time with someone else, but she hopes he notices her. Dorothy Dandridge tries to explain it’s like being in a club and two women are interested in the same man. “That’s never happened to me.”
As if on queue, Sean walks up. Taryn invites him to sit with them, but he says, “Actually, I’d like to steal Dorothy Dandridge away if I can.”
And Taryn pouts. And by pouts, I mean goes to the stairwell and cries. Damn girls. Lay off the booze and hold on to your pride!
Sarah is nervous to talk to him, she is insecure about her arm. “I think having one arm intimidates young guys. The only thing that comes to mind as to why I’m stil single is because I only have one arm.”
Naturally, she gets her time with Sean, and gets her rose. I like Sarah. I really hope we don’t spend this whole show talking about her lack-of-arm. She seems to be a really cool chick, so let’s get to know her…
Rose ceremony is dramatically dramatic since Sean has already handed out 12 roses.
He hands out 7 more…
Amanda, Leslie M., Kacie, Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, and Lindsay-the-drunken-bride.
Those eliminated were:
Ashley H. “Hi I’m Barbie.”
Paige “I was on Bachelor Pad 3.” (sorry, you are always a Ho, never a bride.”
Lacey “Keep my lace heart next to yours.”
Lauren “My daddy is the godfodda.”
KeriAnn “I drove 2775 miles just for you.” (sorry for the wasted trip. Here’s some gas money.”
Kelly “Let me sing you a song.” (I’m sorry, Kelly. You are not Country Strong.)
And of course,
50 Shades of Assley. I mean, Ashley P.
Okay folks. It looks to be a season full of sawesome. Lots of tears and claws and hopefully some hanky-panky under the sea!