Sorry for the late posting gang. Inclement weather in Arkansas shut us down, so I wasn’t able to finish watching and writing til today!
Sean may be one of the most boring Bachelors in the history of the show, but who cares as long as he never wears a shirt.
We go to the mansion where Mr. Overpaid reminds the girls that Sean “is probably the most
shirtless sincere bachelor we’ve ever had on this show” and then leaves the first date card on the coffee table. Paycheck EARNED!
Sarah, you’re the next HO-testant on the Pecs are Right! The card reads “Are you ready to fall in love today?” and Sarah hopes that her one-point-five arms don’t get in the way.
Remember last week when I said I hope they don’t continue to focus on the fact that Sarah only has one-point-five arms? Well, that was wishful thinking. Apparently, it’s very important for us to be told about her missing arm. I mean, it’s not like we can see it for ourselves.
Sarah is “is so excited to be going on a date with Sean. Only having one arm makes me different. I don’t think Sean will treat me differently just because I have one arm.”
GEE. SARAH? DO YOU HAVE ONE ARM?
Sean picks Sean up in a helicopter and all the HOs act like they’ve NEVER seen a helicopter on this show. I would actually be impressed if he’d picked her up in an airship. Everyone gets a helicopter ride, but I got an airship, bitches.
The date is “Free Falling” 300 feet from the top of a skyscraper. Okay, I like Sarah, but I hate hearing her talk. She sounds like a dingbat sorority girl from the valley. The free-fall…and she screams the whole way. Not that I blame her. Screw that shit. They hug, then share champagne. And she’s all “This totally can’t be real. Like totally. Like gag me with a spoon.”
We get to the serious part of the date where Sarah admits to Sean that she was denied the chance to go ziplining because of her disability, and natrually she was crushed. Her dad’s advice to Sarah was to find a man strong enough to go through moments like this with you.
Sean: “I do consider myself a man and I feel like a man should prtect you.” (then he checks between his legs to make sure he still has a boy package and not a girl package.)
Back at the Den of Vipers, a group date card is delivered. Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra. Immediately Tierra is pissy. “I’m not here to date 12 girls. I’m here to date Sean.”
It’s dinner time on the date and Sean takes Sara to the top of the building and gives her a rose. They kiss and sadly, Sean did not apply Arie’s kissing pointers….
And believe it or not, Sarah already feels like she’s falling in love with Sean. Like totally.
Group date time…Sean and his HOs are headed to a Harlequin photo shoot. Kristy, the Large-Mouth Bass of Models, thinks she’s got this date in the bag. “This is my element.”
(off the subject for a second…one of the books they showed was written by my friend, Gena Showalter! I got a little giddy when I saw that. Yippee!!!)
The Cowboy photoshoot had the claws coming out when the photogropher told Sean and Lesley to kiss. *rawr*
Tierra is getting on everyone’s nerves, mine included. I can’t stand her voice.
Kristy took control of her photoshoot and a couple of the girls were all “Wow that’s hot” and Tierra was “Wah, wah, wah!”
They revealed the winner of the three book cover deal: Congratulations, Kristy.
Tierra: “I’m not here to play dress up. I’m here to get my man.”
Let’s go to the evening date. Lesley and Sean have their alone time after their photoshoot kiss. And it seems a little forced, even though Sean says “I think we’re really feeling each other.” However, he never kisses her because she gets so nervous and giggles and trying to end the awkward silence with more awkwardness.
Finally, before she leaves Sean, she kisses him. Badly. Wow. I can’t stand to watch Sean kiss. I WANT ARIE BACK!
Kacie gets her turn with Sean. He tells her he’s shocked that she’s on the show and he’s hoping to see her other than as a friend and looking to “explore whatever this is.” Basically, he’s telling her she’s forever stuck in the friend-zone and she needs to go ahead and by a plot of land and build your “Forever Friends” Farmhouse.
The worst line of the night was from Catherine, “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” Sean laughs when he finally “gets” it. He’s pretty much a soft glow light bulb. It takes a while for the light to come on sometimes. Anyway, Catherine wants Sean’s man meat and is hoping her awful line doesn’t make him run away.
Sean has a sit down with Tierra and she whines about dating him and all the other girls. Um, note to Tierra…the whole purpose of this show one dude/25 girls. Sorry you didn’t read the memo. Or watch any of the past million seasons.
Katie eats at the party. Now remember, she’s a yoga instructor, and she’s one of the least zen HOs on the show. Breath in. Namaste. Now eat another piece of cheese. Nevermind. She decides the show isn’t her cup of tea after all, so she tells Sean bye bye. And she grabs another chunk of cheese off the bar as he escorts her to the car.
Kacie winds up getting the rose on the group date, just to keep the facade up that Sean is trying to “transition” seeing her as anything other than a friend. Tierra, pouts. “I wanted to punch her! I’m doing everything I can to show him I care for him. I don’t get it.” I do love it when their crazy starts to show.
*ding dong* the doorbell rings at the Den of Vipers and Desiree gets the next one-on-one date card. “Love is priceless.”
Okay, so let’s move on to Desiree’s date. Apparently Sean believes that you can find out a lot about a girl by how she can handle a prank. Ok, fine. I can buy that. What I can’t buy is who the hell would fall for a ‘prank’ on the Bachelor that included breaking a 1.5 million dollar vase? By the look on Desiree’s face, she didn’t buy into the prank at all, so when the $5 vase actually broke, she was all, “Okay, now can we get on with the date?”
The rest of the date includes two perfect bodies in a hot tub and Sean being totally boring and giving her a rose because “We’re a pretty good match.” Um. Okay? Thanks. I think…
It’s cocktail party time and other than The Drunken Bride apologizing for too much champagne and mouth-raping Sean, the only thing worth focusing on is Amanda.
I’m not sure what happened to her, but she looks like she took a handful of Xanax and chased it with vodka. Her hair’s a hot mess…it’s not even bed-head. It’s just a mess. She doesn’t answer any direct questions, she just sits there, unresponsive, and frowning. She has her arms folded across her chest and a permanent scowl on her face.
Robyn grills Sean about dating a hot black mama. “My last girlfriend was black.” (I bet he also has black friends)
It’s rose time. Sarah (remember, she has only one arm), Kacie (Been there, done that. Welcome to the friend zone.) Desiree (Pranks? Ain’t nobody got time for that!) all three have roses going into the ceremony.
The two unlucky HOs this week? Brooke and Diana! Pack your bags of crazy and go!
That leaves us with AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and
Little Miss Sunshine Amanda.
The good news is, the Crazy Train is still on the tracks but I’m sure it will be flying off soon enough with passengers like Amanda and Tierra. Let’s stir up a shit storm and watch it rain!