The Bachelor; Season Sean; Episode 3

Woohoo, it’s Shirtless Sean time! Seriously, is he contractually obligated to a certain amount of time on the show to be shirtless?

shirtless.again

Mr. Overpaid visits the ladies and earns his paycheck by advising them to “Use their time with Sean wisely.” Well done. Cha-CHING!

He drops off the first date card and it goes to Lesley M. “How long will this love last?”

He takes her to the Guiness World records museum. Apparently Sean’s dad holds the world record for driving the 48 contigious states in the shortest amount of time. Their date will be to try and break their own world record.

The longest on-screen kiss…and they’re doing it on Hollywood Boulevard in front of a giant crowd.

The current record is 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Their lips must touch the entire time or the kiss will be invalidated.

Longest and most boring kiss ever. But they beat it. And I suffered through all 196 seconds of it. Yes, I love y’all that much.

leslie-sean-lowe

Sean called it “Hot and passionate.” Poor Sean. We need to redefine hot and passionate for him. (Watching Arie kiss Emily should do it…he needs a video tutorial)

Anyway, as usual, both Lesley and Sean admit they are developing feelings for each other. Also, Sean gifts Lesley with the rose…a small token of his appreciation for the world record setting Muppet kiss.

Back at Drama Central, the Group Date card arrives. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H. Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra. “Who’s going to win my heart?”

The group day is a day at the beach where they frolick and fake their way through the day. Then they yell, “Take off your shirt!” and he continues to fullfil his contracutal shirtless duties.

Mr. Overpaid shows up in long sleeves and khakis. DUDE. IT’S THE BEACH. Anyway, he tells the girls they will be playing beach volleyball and competing for one-on-one time with Sean. The winning team moves on with the next part of the date, the losers are sent home.

I’m gonna spare you the gory details. The blue team wins. The red team cries. The drama mounts. Kristy actually made the bitter beer face and started boohooing like a crazy person. Bye bye, losers. Go cry at home.

The Drunken Bride, Lindsay, really loves spending time with Sean and is so excited. And loves the chemistry they feel. And Sean is excited about ‘where this could possibly go.’ And then they kiss. And it was a little better than watching the record breaking kiss…but not much.

The next one-on-one time was spent with Desiree. And they had a nice visit, then Desiree ate his face.

Amanda decided she was going to get the rose and told Desiree she would do whatever it takes to get it. So she did her time with Sean within earshot of the girls. Desiree hopes Sean sees through her.

Kacie decides that she needs to tattle tale on Desiree and Amanda. She doesn’t think Sean will find the drama brewing between them attractive so she’s gonna give him a heads up.

Um, note to Kacie: by notifying said bachelor of the drama, you are in fact, inserting yourself in a place where you don’t belong, therefore becoming part of the drama. Also, you’ve been on this show before, you should know this shit NEVER WORKS.

Sean: So what’s up?

Kacie: It’s not my place, but I feel like if I don’t say something it will come between us. I’m pulled between two girls. I can’t be myself when I’m put in the middle like this.

Sean: Why are you saying this to me? They both seem fine, neither has brought it up to me.

Kacie: I’m not a drama girl. I’m not. (THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT DON’T THEY?)

Sean: Why are you involving yourself in this?

Kacie: I’ve asked myself that.

Sean: I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I’m seeing. I want you to be Kacie.

And then, Kacie is all “My plan didn’t work out like I thought it would!”

Poor, Kacie. No rose for you. Drunken Bride Lindsay get the petals.

Kacie: WAH WAH WAH “Lindsay gets the rose and I look like this crazy person that can’t handle the drama!”

MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON WHO CAN’T HANDLE DRAMA? Grab a tissue and suck it up, Buttercup.

The one-on-one date card goes to AshLee. “Do you believe in magic?”

As AshLee is getting ready for her date, she hears a loud BANG! CRASH! And it’s Tierra….falling down the stairs. Just before Sean walks in the door.

Tierra-fall

Tierra is lying there, acting all woozy and out of it. She sits up when Sean walks in…she doesn’t ‘respond’ and so Sean calls the paramedics. They wrap her neck up and lay her on body board. Suddenly, she’s fine.

“I’m fine. I don’t wanna do this. No! This is so stupid! I just wanna be left alone. I don’t want to go there. It’s not necessary.”

Gee, Tierra? You don’t wanna go because you’re faking it?

Sean falls for it and takes her aside for some alone time. She seriously just gets up and walks away. I love women who play the victim, don’t you? They’ll do anything to get attention and feel she’s been “saved.” Now Tierra is laughing and flirting.

AshLee still hasn’t gotten her date with Sean, he’s too busy sitting on the veranda with little miss can’t use the stairs.

Sean finally decides poor Tierra isn’t gonna fall and break her neck again, so he and AshLee head off for their date at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Oh wait, it’s not really a one-on-one date…Sean invites two chronically ill teens to tag along. (“Because Charity Work is very important to Sean’s life.) Yes. Magic Mountain is totally a charitable activity.

They have a great time riding rides, go to dinner and then have a private concert from the Eli Young Band. After some more kissing that nobody would enjoy watching, AshLee gets a rose. (oh yeah, and she talks about her sad life as a foster child WAY too much.)

It’s cocktail party time! Sean decides to remind Sarah (remember she only has one arm!!) that he’s been thinking about her, so he brings her dog in for a visit. Aw. Very sweet. Sarah was very touched… and Leo, the French Bulldog was adorable.

The private discussions are typical, except Kacie is still being stupid and decides she needs to reexplain what she was trying to say on their group date and wants to apologize to him.

It should come to no surprise that Sean interrupts the rose ceremony and sends Kacie home privately. I told you, buy your house in the friend zone, Kacie. You’re a permanent member of the neighborhood.

Sean: I have way too much respect for you to have you go through another rose ceremony. He walks her to the car…which is a freaking hatchback?! He brought Sarah’s (remember she only has one arm!!) dog here in a limo, but sent Kacie home in a hatchback. Niiiiice.

The two Ho-testants that are left with thorns only are Taryn and Kristy. Sorry girls, take your hot-n-tots somewhere else.

Next week, maybe we’ll get some more Tierra, Amanda, and Desiree drama!! One can only hope…

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