Well, we’ve seen him in the shower, working out, sauntering on the beach and now, in the closet. Hmmmm. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I wonder if maybe we are focusing on the wrong gender? ABC? Are you sending us subliminal messages that this fine, young, upstanding, sexy-chested-shirtless man might be gay? I mean, he was rather willing to take kissing tips from Arie, so who knows?
Ah Arie. Come back and kiss everyone please!
This episode opens with Mr. Overpaid earning double his paycheck. Not only does he tell the girls the same thing as last week, “There will be three dates consisting of two 1-on-1s and a group date.” He also hangs out a bit and gets the girls all wet with anticipation by telling them “Sean is definitely thinking his wife is in the room.” Good luck, ladies! You have a 1 in 13 chance to be Sean’s
beard wife fiance choice.
First date card goes to Selma. “Let’s turn up the heat!” Selma is stoked. “he’s finally going to get the real me. And then I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then have babies!”
BTW, Selma is Muslim-born. Her mother doesn’t want her to be on this show. Her family is very strict about public dating and she is not allowed to kiss in public. Like, at all.
However, she is apparently allowed to wear tight tank tops so her perfect fun bags can tease Sean during the entire flight to the desert. And she can also lean on him, rub his package with her elbow, and dry hump his leg.
But no kissing.
Got it. We all have that line that we just can’t cross.
Poor Selma. This date seems to be starting off with a giant dust ball of disappointment. “I got the limo, and then I got the jet — and then *deep heavy dramatically dramatic sigh* he took the Iraqi to a desert,” groans Selma. “I do not do well in heat. At all… I am so disappointed.”
Well, sorry sister. But you’re going rock climbing. Mainly so he can rappell up behind you and comment on your “good form”. Which is virgin speak for “nice ass.”
They go to dinner, she tells him she’s chaste, he admires her spirit, he gives her a rose and I feel the drool pooling on my pillow as I drift off from boredom.
It’s group date time for Catherine, Sarah, Amanda, Lindsay, AshLee, Tierra, Robyn, and Jackie. And since Amanda and Tierra (or Tierrable or Tierraist as she’s called) are involved, you know there is going to be drama. So let’s get this date started!
What better way to make sure that endorphins and aggression runs amok on a group date, than to take the girls roller-derbying! (Yes, even one-armed Sarah. Because balance is SO UNNECCESSARY when you’re being flung around a cylindar on roller skates.)
I’ll give Sarah credit, she really did try to enjoy the date. Sean finally gave her a break and brought her a towel and told her she was a good trooper. *rolling eyes* I’d have punched him with my half-arm.
There were lots of falls and bruises, but the biggest fall was done by miss “I love roller derby!” Amanda. She hurt her jaw pretty badly and is carted off in a WAHmbulance. Finally Sean realizes this wasn’t the best date idea, so he has them fire up a disco ball so they call all couple skate to Journey.
The evening portion of the date is filled with rooftop pool drama. Tierrable is being terse and ugly to all the girls. “I don’t trust anyone here and I don’t understand why no one gets that. It’s so annoying.”
Amanda returns with a bruised chin and milks it for all its worth…which apparently wasn’t enough for even a kiss, much less a date rose. However, the fact that her face was not in a full cast, apparently annoys Tierrable even more.
So Tierra decides to leave, but she MUST see Sean first. “Where’s Sean?” she asks. Everyone kinda looks away because nobody wants to tell her he’s got his tongue down Lindsay’s throat at the moment. Finally, she stares at the couple long enough that they stop kissing. Lindsay leaves and Tierra whines. “I don’t want to walk away giving up, but it’s so hard seeing you with other girls.”
I know, honey. It’s the Bachelor. Nobody told you he was gonna date all the other HO-testants, did they? They were supposed to be your cheerleaders, weren’t they?
Anyway, Sean is apparently not gay, because not one of my gay friends would have fallen for her bullshit. He gives her the date rose because he’s an idiot. “I’ve been through what you’re going through. You like me and you want to spend time with me.” Here. have the rose.
“Oh she’s good.” says AshLee.
Manipulative people always are…until they’re busted.
Leslie H. gets her Pretty Woman date…and she’s beside herself with excitement. “Ive never had a boyfriend buy me jewelry before!” Honey, Sean didn’t buy those diamond earrings.
They go to Rodeo Drive for some high end shopping, then Neil Lane (Bachelor Jeweler extraordinare) drapes a 120-carat diamond necklace around her neck and they are off for a night on the town.
“When I look at Sean, I see my future husband.”
Too bad Sean didn’t feel the same way. Nothing has clicked for him so far, and sadly, Leslie is sent packing before they even get to the private concert portion of their date. Leslie can’t leave without a parting quip “Some girls have roses who are not here for the right reasons.” Okay, thanks Les. Now, taking your parting gift of diamond earrings and leave.
It’s cocktail party time and we have the most uncomforatable one-on-one moment ever. “Do you like the taste of chocolate?” “Do you want to taste the chocolate?” “Which chocolate do you want to taste?” Oh Dear God. Is she talking about herself? Why yes. Yes she is. And then she goes in for a kiss. Ugh. Seriously, Robyn? Just. Wow.
Meanwhile, Tierrable is stirring up trouble in the other room. “Don’t these girls get tired of talking about me?” She decides she’s going to face this head on by talking to Jackie and Robyn face-to-face. Yes, the two girls who really don’t talk about her at tall. “You attacked me and in all honesty it wasn’t fair.” Robyn is all “Whachu talkin’ about Willis!? I just gave away some chocolate kisses.” Finally, to shut Tierra up, they just agree to whatever it is she wants and they walk away.
BTW, that’s the first time I remember Jackie being on camera. Weird.
Tierrable heads to see Sean next to make sure he understands that she’s sweet as pie, it’s just a lot of time other girls have a problem with accepting her for who she is. Honey, they accept that you’re crazy and they want to stay as far away from your “loco”motive as possible. Sean assures her that he won’t believe anything anyone might say about her. Don’t worry baby. I got this.
Next up, is Catherine. We haven’t seen her much so far this season, but she’s obviously a smart cookie and wants to avoid all Tierrable drama. She and Sean go to the driveway in order to avoid the onlookers and the next thing you know, they’re kissing. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’m so attracted to you.” Sean’s pops wood, they make out. Life is good on the driveway.
It’s rose ceremony time…and not only did Amanda not get a rose or a kiss on her group date…but she didn’t receive a rose or a kiss during the ceremony. Chin up, Amanda. That almost-broken-jaw will only hurt for a little while.