These people. THESE PEOPLE. You know, when you have enough money to think that it’s okay to throw a champagne party for a sixth grader, I just don’t know what to do with you. Wait, yes I do: pour another glass of wine and cackle.
Also, I think I’ve realized that people in SoCal think there really is a Stargate and are prepping their women for RA by turning them into hairless cats. It was just a movie, folks.
The Goddess Yolanda has a basket of lemons that she is artfully turning into a salad (I think all she eats is lemons) because she has a luncheon to host. “In Beverly Hills aging is a huge thing for women. They shoot up their faces with Botox, and you know, pulled face. They don’t look any younger, they just look more pulled. Embrace aging, but hold it gracefully.”
Hold it in your CLAWS, ladies.
Holy side pony, it’s a lunch with Chrissie Snow, aka Thighmaster, aka “I take 140 pills a day so I can live forever,” aka Suzanne Somers. Yolanda has invited Kyle and Lisa over to meet her so they can all talk about their hormones and how to have sex at 90 and beyond.
Things I love: Lisa has no idea who the hell that heavily banged, over processed blonde geezer is, and I love her for it. Kyle is trying to be polite, but Suzanne pulls out a baggie of pills (does she, now?) and talks about living past 100 and having sex every day of it and NO. No. Can’t a girl ever freaking rest?
Things I love part two: Lisa saying she can’t swallow that much (pointing at the pills) and says to confirm that with Ken. How does anyone not love the Vanderpump?!
Brandi preps for her “burlesque-be proud of being a lady and ride the pole” class she’s hosting (I actually think pole dancing is amazing and is incredibly difficult. Do not confuse real pole dancers with stripping, please!) by taking a prep class to learn how to do a few things. Her teacher is all about sexually empowering words, but let’s get real here: Brandi Glanville is a total babe, and she looks amazing, if a touch too thin. (I like meat on my ladies.)
Kyle, who needs her ladysitter more than ever (or a few more charities) throws a shindig for her daughter Sophia’s 6th grade graduation. Are you kidding me with this? I mean, whatever, a BBQ with dogs and burgs in the backyard with the family is one thing, but they have actual guests in cocktail dresses, an open bar, and it’s just ridiculous.
Delightful things: the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick arrives (proving my Stargate theory with her feline face), as do Adrienne and Paul, who immediately start fighting over the catered food. Of course they do.
Neither Kim nor Kathy (Paris’ mom, who’s probably in Rio clapping in an emptied stadium as Paris warms up for her “I’m closing for J Lo” gig) are there because it’s a PARTY FOR A SIXTH GRADER. There is not enough wine in the world, y’all…
The Bickersons leave early, and no one cares because they are simply awful. Kyle gets everyone’s attention and starts in on how proud she is that Sophia is becoming a woman, shows the crowd her sheet with the stains of her first period, and then sends her off to the Red Tent with the other dirty women.
Kim has her houseman hanging pictures of the kids when the houseman makes a horrible mistake. He compliments one of the girls: “She’s beautiful. She looks like her mama.”
Kim’s eyes light up with value and worth and sheer need, and she begs him to say it again and again. She then records it onto Real to Reel to play while she sleeps. She then asks him if she should get a nose job, because she’s old, right? Is she? Is she old? OR DOES SHE LOOK LIKE HER CHILDREN AND YOUTHFUL TELL ME, HOUSEMAN!?
I swear to god, Kim then tells us in a voice over that she just simply couldn’t find a plastic surgeon that would touch her face, so she’ll just get a nose job to feel good about herself. WOMAN, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF SHOE THERAPY? It’s a hell of a lot easier than busting up your face, jeeeeez. Kim’s backdoor brags are the best thing ever.
Montage of the ladies packing for Vegas, and the best moment here is new girl Marissa being helped by a time-traveled housewife from the ’70s, wearing a pantsuit and a face full of regret for not going to the Goldstein’s Key Party when she had the chance.
Streganona here tells her daughter that her clothes are terrible. They’re out of style. “This is shit,” she actually says. I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HER.
“Are you kidding me with this print? Pass me my pack of Benson & Hedges.”
She then begs Marissa to take her along and says – and I am NOT making this up – “You don’t have to talk to me. I’ll just sit in the room.” [It’s better than listening to ya father fart in his sleep after a plate of cabbage.]
A stupid, gross, awful stretch Hummer limo picks them all up and whisks them off to Vegas where they’re staying at the Four Seasons. Camille is there, and for someone that didn’t want to be in the cast, she sure shows up a lot. (That knocking you can hear is Friend For Hire Didi clinging to the roof.)
Yolanda, however, is not there, because she needs to recharge with a platter of lemons and disgusting “romantic” words from Davidmylove. She bakes a chicken (with lemon) and makes potatoes (with lemon) and douches (with limes, which is weird, right? Maybe Davidmylove felt like doing body shots with tequila, who knows) and carries a tray to the orchard (lemon) to lemon for some lemon.
“Men love beautiful women and beautiful women love rich men. Still, fuck your husbands for a Chanel bag.”
THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE. This is said. Earnestly. She then says she likes to cater to her man, and they’re so simple, really. They love to have food cooked for them and have sex. WOW, SOMEONE GIVE HER A BOOK DEAL, THIS IS SOME DEEPAK CHOPRA SHIT.
The ladies go to dinner at Charlie Palmer’s, where Kyle tells them all about her new Chico’s that she’s opening up. (See, it’s fun because they only have three sizes, 1,2 and 3!) Marissa starts in on how she really doesn’t miss her husband at all. Brandi tells her that her husband is way more in love with her than she is with him, and Marissa blinks, like, “And? What’s your point?”
Brandi then shows the ladies the softer side to her Sears and that she just really hates Leann Rimes, guys, and she used to be happy and then everyone starts bagging on Leann, and you know what? That’s totally cool with me. She was fucking a cheater with a pregnant wife and fourteen girlfriends, so yeah. Bag on BluuuuuuUuUUuUue oh so lonely for you Leann.
In a random moment of what? No, really, WHAT? Lisa Vanderpump explains that she hates the word vagina because it’s ugly (true) and that she prefers “pussy” or “peachy,” and it’s a good thing I set my wine glass down, or I’d be calling her to replace my duvet. OH MY GOD, PEACHY. I’m calling my lady bucket my peach pot from now on.
Kyle hates oysters, Brandi forces one down her throat, and they try and make it sexual but it’s all wrong. It’s semen, haha, we get it, raw oysters, swallow it ladies, durr. Side note: oysters are freaking delicious.
Kim, back in Englewood or wherever, says to her plastic surgeon how much she likes her face and her nose. But it’s time for a change. WHAT. Well, one time Kyle said that she should do her nose, so… Oh, this isn’t going to end well. The doctor says he’ll “lift the tip to make it look more youthful.”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. Is my nose going to droop when I get old? Why wasn’t I told this? Is there a cream or device I can apply so that people will say, “Sure, she has the neck of a 98 year old field worker, but her nose tip! As supple and fresh as a teenager’s!”
Yolanda joins the Vegas bunch the next day so she can order healthy things and remind them of their disgustingness. Also, she bathes in lemons. It’s the key to keeping Davidmylove happy. The rest of the ladies order mimosas as Yolanda sips her smoothie made from lemon rinds, grass, elderflowers and the tears of infants. (Good for tightening the nose tip.)
They load up and head to the burlesque dance class thing that looks like it will only consist of our group and three hungover stragglers pulled off the Vegas Strip at 5am. Brandi almost cries for not knowing how to greet people, then figures it out and it’s a lot of pausing and editing to create tension and let’s be honest: we want to see Camille on the pole. It’s all going to come rushing back to her from her pre-Kelsey days. Can’t wait!
Next! The actual pole dancing, Camille attacking Lisa (why??!), Yolanda shushing Camille, and holy hell, Kim’s “youthful nose.”