Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 3.12 – Kim Nose Best

This is an ironic toasting of that bad pun, Bravo.

This is an ironic toasting of that bad pun, Bravo.

Fail, Bravo on the pun. FAIL.  Also, Kim so clearly does NOT nose best, because this whole thing started with her saying she liked her nose, but maybe possibly kinda-sorta Kyle didn’t?  GROSS.  Also in this episode: slut shaming, man shaming, pole dancing and Camille flips her shit.

 

We’re still at pole dance class where Marissa is being the belle of the ball by hating everything, sneering at how non-empowering women owning their sexuality is and let me stop you there, Marissa.

That is slut shaming.  If a woman wants to wear pink and dress like Hello Kitty and take nude pics of herself and she feels fabulous while doing it, then the appropriate response is a variant of “You go, Girl.”  If a woman wants to dress like a lumberjack and make goat cheese and pierce her body, again: “YGG.”

Being empowered means you feel confident to do whatever the hell you want to do with your own body instead of feeling like you’re not allowed or shouldn’t do something because of other people’s perceptions.  So I get it, Marissa, you think you’re a feminist.  Surprise! You’re not.

I want to get past that crap, because it’s time for Kyle and Camille to ride the pole and Kyle is pretending so hard to not be excited by the chance, and Camille simpers and says  “I have no experience with this, so I’m sure I’m going to be a total spazz…”  She then proceeds to werq it:

THESE WOMEN ARE ATHLETES.

THESE WOMEN ARE ATHLETES.

(That’s Jenyne Butterfly, a world championship pole dancer and she’s amazing.)

Camille does stripper work, not actual pole stuff, and everyone makes a point of talking about how she used to be a “dancer on MTV” and I laughed so hard I busted stitches for surgeries I’ve not even had.  She does a butt rainbow for a half hour and moans, and everyone thinks it’s amazing.  WHATEVER. Just own who you are, ladies, and stop being coy. WERQ IT, GORL.

Adrienne, meanwhile, has a meeting with her team over her new purse designs.  They look like a cross between Michael Kors 2011 line and tacky logo’d Coach bags, so I don’t get the appeal.  She tries to sound important by saying “My business is the shoe business.  And Brandi’s business is dancing on a pole.”

LADIES? STOP TEARING EACH OTHER DOWN FOR MAKING A LIVING. It’s gross.  Adrienne, you’re gross.  Brandi is making sure her kids eat, so shut the hell up.  Even if she was actually a sex worker (she isn’t) she is worthy of respect for getting her ass out in the world and earning that dollar (holla!).

In Vegas, Yolanda and Lisa are called out, and it’s hard for me, guys, because I loved Yolanda at first, then she was all ’50s housewife and “don’t get fat and be a tomboy” to her daughter, but she’s all over having a good time, which I like.  SCALE HANDS. Also, Yolanda wants to be supportive because she appreciates that Brandi is doing this to earn a paycheck.  Stop confusing me, Goddess Yo.

Camille points out that Marissa is outside throwing up, because she “doesn’t feel comfortable acting sexy.”  Don’t worry, Marissa. We can see that.

Look at this walking party barge over here!

Look at this walking party barge over here! (But seriously, nice arms, girlfriend.)

Brandi’s buddy Jen (who looks fun) is all over it and having a ball with the rainbow booty and laughing.  Marissa is a Debbie Downer making sure everyone knows that she is sitting on her principles, gripping her standards tightly betwixt her buttocks of Real Womanship.  WTFever, lady.

On the way back to the hotel, Kyle calls Kim on speakerphone, making sure it’s as awkward as possible.  Kim wanted to tell her that she was on her way for her nose job, but everyone’s listening in.  Well, she powers on and says she’s getting one, leaving Kyle shocked.  Especially when Kim says, “I’m scared.”

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, KIM.  She waves off everyone’s concern (Yolanda’s, mostly) and hangs up.

Kim, who is actually in the doctor’s office with her assistant, says that she believes people should “be grateful for what God gave you and don’t change anything.”  Except your nose. And jaw. And eyelids.  And those lines by your mouth. And your boobs.  And get rid of that fat on your waist.  And use high-powered lasers to get rid of those stretchmarks.  And have butt implants.  And a chin-lift.  And laser off your hair on your lady bucket. And get someone to put gel tips on your fingernails, for crying out loud.  And touch up your spray tan.  And bleach your hair. And get a silicone rope in your lip.

AS FRESH AS A BABY STRAIGHT FROM GOD.  Amen!

She tells her doctor how happy with herself she is, asks him if he’s happy about his life choices, is he getting enough fiber in his diet and does he think her daddy loves her and do they validate parking?  And then she’s out.  AND THEN WE HEAR THE SOUND OF HER NOSE BEING BROKEN GOOD LORD.

Adrienne sloppily paints her nails on Paul’s office desk because she never liked that style of finish anyway and this is a good way to bully him into tossing it.  And then she bullies him into taking his shirt off so they can laser off his back hair with the help of some ‘roided out Barbie doll.  She makes the Barbie crank the laser all the way up and cackles when Paul shrieks in pain  because she is the worst.

I want NO PART of this lifestyle. No part. NONE.

I want NO PART of this lifestyle. No part. NONE.

Kim rolls out of surgery later, totally out of it (you know, because she JUST HAD SURGERY) and says in a little girl voice that she hurts.  They’ll take care of it, don’t worry.  She then asks for her sisters, for a daughter, for anyone to love her, maybe her houseman? But no one is there for her.  Holy shit, Show, stop making Kim look like the most vulnerable bunny rabbit in the world.  She says, “Don’t forget about me…” as the nurse turns off the light and I just want her to not be broken, okay?

Dinner party in Vegas in Brandi’s suite as a thank you, and Yolanda is officially my favorite again (next to Lisa) because she’s drinking straight tequila.  Let’s get real: it’s made from aloe, which is medicinal, ergo tequila is like medicine and is good for you.  I’ve been living by this philosophy for 20 years, and I have a liver the size of a small Norwegian teen, so I should know, okay?

Brandi calls Camille out for having done porn, but Camille laughs it off and reminds everyone that it was Rated R.  Ahaha.  Me, too, Camille.  But I was fully clothed. (Which was part of the joke in that movie.) Marissa gets a red wine stain on her niece’s Sweet 16 lace dress, and has the wise idea to put white wine on it (YES, THIS WORKS, DO THIS) and everyone laughs at her, and this is what you get when you ostracize yourself, people.  No one listens to good ideas.

Everyone hashes out whether or not Kim is going to start riding that White Horse again now that she’s having pain meds (she was a drunk, she wasn’t on H, damn) and Kyle tries to deflect because this is just awful and I agree with Kyle.  THANKS, GIRLS, I’M ON KYLE’S SIDE NOW.  Yolanda, batting .1000 this episode, sees Kyle’s distress and changes the subject to lemons and how they are the secret to life.  (Yo, you drink tequila, why aren’t you growing LIMES?)

Yolanda then asks Camille how she’s doing, and Camille sighs and says how much she misses Adrienne.  Brandi blanches and reminds them all that she’s being sued by a multi-millionaire.  They all start bickering about who started what, Adrienne or Brandi, Kyle and Lisa are dragged in, and it’s just the same old same old.

I FORGOT HOW MUCH ATTENTION I LIKE, EVERYONE. LISTEN TO ME.

I FORGOT HOW MUCH ATTENTION I LIKE, EVERYONE. LISTEN TO ME.

Camille gets upset that she’s being made to explain herself (she brings up how “hurt” Adrienne was by Lisa calling Adrienne’s shoe line the “Maloof Hoof” but god damn, that’s FUNNY) and it all devolves quickly from there with Brandi saying Adrienne only owns 2% of The Palms.  Oooooh, sick burn?  Who gives a shit, those puppies make BILLIONS a year.  Really.  I’ll take 2% of 5 billion dollars, are you kidding me?

THAT IS ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  Two percent of 5 billion = 100,000,000 DOLLARS.  Brandi has to teach a class to make a few thousand bucks, and Adrienne is suing her.  (Adrienne also is a majority owner of a professional basketball team, hockey team, production company and a “shoe line.”)

And let’s not forget that these women earn $200,000 a season for this show alone.

Sorry, little frustrated by their blase attitude about money, that’s all. (I’m Team Brandi here, she is TRYING.)

Camille then sneers at Lisa and says she doesn’t own SUR.  Lisa laughs because da fuq?  Yes she does! 51 percent because they’re teaching their co-owners how to run a business. and WHO CARES.  Camille just wants to fight, it seems.  Yolanda shushes her, which makes me laugh and makes Camille angry.

Yolanda wipes her mouth, smiles at everyone, thanks Brandi, and leaves on a private jet that Davidmylove sent her so she wouldn’t have to waste any time with nonsense.  (Kyle and Marissa hitch a ride back to BH, too, and Camille does as well.  Awk-ward.)

Later, Kyle – in a horribly unflattering green jumpsuit – goes to visit Kim.  Kim’s in bed with all of her spirit grandbabies and that weird ghost lady that sits on the mattress so there’s not a lot of room, but Kyle makes it work.  She’s actually really sweet and supportive to Kim, who has clearly lost her damn mind.

Am I pretty now Mama?

Am I pretty now Mama?

Kim pulls out an e-cigarette a la Alison Dubois and starts puffing on it.  I am 2000% done with these weirdos, guys. (No, I’m not.)

Lisa and Ken have tea, Ken sympathetically listening to Lisa bitch about Kyle not defending her.  It’s not that Lisa needs anyone’s help, but it sure is nice to know that if you did you would have it.

Kyle whines about the specter of Adrienne ruining everything, Lisa always defending Brandi ruining everything, and all of the jibber jabber ruining everything.  Mostly it’s her pantsuit ruining everything, let’s get honest. Let’s stop being polite, and start getting real. You are Poor Man’s Demi Moore, Kyle, you should be dressing better.

Next up! Lisa wants Kyle to apologize and stop wearing bagging clothes.  She has large breasts, for heaven’s sake!  WAISTLINE, KYLE, DO YOU HAVE ONE? (Yes! She does! She’s a beautiful woman!)  Yolanda sniffs at all of the mere mortals. Adrienne acts like she isn’t suing Brandi.  AND TAYLOR FLOOS IN, HOPING EVERYONE REMEMBERS HER.

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  • Chrissy

    I’m pretty sure that if more than 10 minutes go by without someone bringing up Adrienne, the Housewives producers in the Bravo War Room deliver a random electric shock to someone at the table, who then, because of Pavlovian conditioning, barks out Adrienne’s name to get the ball rolling.

    • HAHAHAHA. This is why they should have had someone sober read the fine print of her contract.

  • “and I have a liver the size of a small Norwegian teen”
    Lulz- because it’s the little things.

    and

    “You are Poor Man’s Demi Moore, Kyle…”
    HOLY MOSES ON TOAST YES! I could NOT put my finger on it!
    THANKING YOU!

    • I am SO HAPPY to hear that someone else can see the Demi Moore thing! I thought that right off the bat. WHEW.

      *clinks glasses with you* ;D