Vikings 1.05: Raid

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Vikings airs Sundays at 10 p.m. on The History Channel

Apologies for the lateness! I was doin’ stuff, Lori. Thaaangs. (Actually I was fishing with my dad.)

PREVIOUSLY, ON VIKINGS:

Ragnar got put on trial, but won his case in about 14 seconds because Rollo stepped up and was actually decent. Unfortunately, they’re attacked by assassins who manage to kill Erik. Then Ragnar sits on a cliff a lot.

A baby cries while Haraldson stares at it really hard, blessing it. Siggy wishes the mother a profitable son, and they have a sad moment when Siggy pats Haraldson’s arm reassuringly.

Back at Ragnar’s village, he and Athelstan return from fishing for some Awkward Conversations. Athelstan really just wants to define their relationship, god, Ragnar. He asks what he is, since he’s treated better than a slave but isn’t technically a free man. Ragnar’s kind of bitchy and dismissive of the whole thing, saying he’s never seen Athelstan try to escape. But where would he go, dude?

Athelstan changes tack and asks what Ragnar is preparing for. “I’ve watched you. You’ve made yourself strong.” Ragnar looks concerned. Athelstan smiles gently and asks, “What do the gods say?” Ragnar somehow gets EVEN BITCHIER and asks what Athelstan knows of their gods, and tells him to shut up and finish gutting the fish before angrily throwing his beef jerky across the room. Come on, man, you know you’re just gonna go pick it up again.

Later, Bjorn walks along the shore with what I assume are crab traps in each hand. Just as he passes an old man working on a boat, arrows start whistling through the air. The old guy takes one in the chest, and everybody starts screaming and running away from Haraldson and his men, who have come to destroy the village. DUDE WHY ARE YOU RAIDING YOUR OWN VILLAGE. EVERYONE THERE HAS SWORN FEALTY TO YOU. The show wants us to be sympathetic to Haraldson because of his Dead Sons, I guess, but it’s impossible because he’s just the worst leader/person ever. Ragnar didn’t take his fellow villagers on the boat, so killing them makes no sense except as just a shitty move that has less to do with provoking Ragnar and more to do with BEING A GIANT DICK.

Ragnar takes a leisurely stroll through the woods, poking at deer poop and smiling at the deer he finds. He prepares to shoot it, but he hears the faint screams from the village in the distance, and sprints back through the woods.

We get the opportunity to watch Travis Fimmel fighting again, which is always worthwhile and enjoyable. It honestly can’t be textually rendered how wonderful he is in motion. AUSTRALIANS!!!

Ragnar annihilates everyone he comes across, even after taking an axe to the thigh He makes it to his own doorway before he’s nailed with an arrow. He breaks it off against the doorjamb and pulls it out of himself, then goes into the house and rips up the floorboards. He sends Lagertha, Athelstan, and the kids under the house and out to the boat, despite their protests, and meets Haraldson face-to-face outside and drops to his knees.

Haraldson asks Ragnar if he accepts his fate. Ragnar’s all “LOL yeah just let me pray first.” Haraldson allows it, and Ragnar prays quietly to Odin for help. He jumps up, kills two dudes, and steals a horse before they can catch him.

In the boat, Athelstan and Lagertha float sadly past the wreckage of their home and all their slaughtered livestock.

I know it's upsetting, but like...their little heads are so cute.

I know it’s upsetting, but like…their little heads are so cute.

It’s basically the worst thing ever.

Ragnar rides hard through the woods before stopping and sending the horse ahead as a diversion. He goes down to the bank of the stream and hides until the other guys pass him

The saddest family in the world floats sadly down the river.

Wait, this seems familiar.

Wait, this seems familiar.


UM, EXCUSE YOU, SHOW.

UM, EXCUSE YOU, SHOW.

Ragnar heaves himself down the stream and up a hill, just kind of wheezing and bleeding all over the place. He’s chased up to his cliff by two men, and Lagertha spots him from the water below. He wavers on the edge, and–he either closes his eyes and leans forward or he just fucking faints and falls into the river. Either way, he ends up in the water. Athelstan jumps in without hesitation, and Lagertha and the kids wait anxiously until he breaks the surface again, holding Ragnar’s unconscious body. Lagertha and the kids pull them into the boat, Bjorn crying and asking over and over if Ragnar’s dead. OMG baby :(.

We cut over to Haraldson, asking the same question to one of his men. The guy’s like “Dude, I don’t fucking know, but if he can survive an axe and an arrow and a million-foot fall into Scandinavian water we should just let him be.” Haraldson demands to have Ragnar’s boat seized and his family brought in so they can “talk.”

Athelstan pulls the boat to shore, and Bjorn jumps out, yelling for Floki. He reaches Floki’s house, and a cute eyebrowless girl with a ton of eyeliner and cute witch hair comes out, like “WTF are you doing kid you just interrupted some weirdo tantric magic shit that was kind of hilarious.”

Bjorn asks where Floki is, and Floki hops out of the house, shirtless and eating an apple. Bjorn says “My father is dying.”

wah no

wah no

Floki and Lagertha lay Ragnar down in front of the fire (NOT LIKE THAT U PERVS) (although probably like that at some point, let’s be real). Floki yells for the girl, Helga, to get some supplies to “make a paste,” and says that first the wounds have to be cleaned with fire.

Kattegatt. Party at Haraldson’s! A group of men come in, and Haraldson greets them. I am not anywhere near smart enough to try and spell the guy’s name, so we’ll just call him Lord Uggo Baldybeard. Lord Uggo Baldybeard creeps on Haraldson’s daughter, Thyrri, really hardcore when Haraldson introduces them, and it is then we learn that Haraldson has basically sold Thyrri to Lord Uggo Baldybeard. Siggy storms off furiously, and Thyrri looks like she wants to eat poison and/or her father’s head. Lord Uggo Baldybeard promises her gifts/sons, and gives her an ugly-ass blue promise ring. I DIDN’T KNOW THEY HAD FUCKING CHICO’S IN ANCIENT NORSELAND YOU TACKY PIECE OF SHIT.

Floki’s house. He takes a hot knife out of the fire and prepares to probably jam it into Ragnar indiscriminately. Lagertha wisely takes it and dedicates it to Freyja, praying with Bjorn and Gyda that she heals Ragnar. Athelstan joins in with some Ecclesiastes, and Lagertha puts the knife into Ragnar. It is gross, and I’m not totally sure she knows what she’s doing BUT SHE IS DOING IT CONFIDENTLY AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. Athelstan says, finally “Mary, Mother of God, listen to me: do not let this man die.” SO ROMANTICAL.

Haraldson’s den of daughter-selling. He finds Siggy in their room, where she immediately lays into him, saying he treated her with contempt by not consulting her and that he doesn’t care about Thyrri’s happiness at all. He basically says “Factual.” to all of this, then tells her he’s more worried about security than happiness, because his sons are deaaaaad. He found them beheaded and their murderers had put their faces ON THEIR BUTTS which is the ultimate insult or something. (Or just…hilarious. I mean, if I kill somebody I’m gonna keep it light.) Siggy seems to accept all this, but I feel like she’s still rightfully angry.

A hottie in a big coat finds Bjorn chopping wood outside, and asks him if Ragnar’s there. He’s a friend, and is greeted warmly by everyone. He explains that Rollo told him where Ragnar could be found, and Ragnar asks why Rollo never came to see him. The guy explains that the whole crew is being watched, and Rollo didn’t want to lead them to Ragnar. They all sit down to eat, and Floki introduces the guy to Helga, and there is INSTANT MUTUAL ATTRACTION. Floki picks up on it and says “Don’t wriggle your maggot in her face.” and the guy looks appropriately chastised. Haha, delightful.

Lagertha says that they lost everything, but Floki says that she, Ragnar, and the children are alive. “You have everything.” She says they don’t have food, and she’s ashamed that they’re eating some of Floki’s winter supply. Floki tells her the gods will provide, and they smile sweetly at each other. Aaw! Athelstan busts out the Ecclesiastes again, and Loki giggles at him and tells him to just eat his soup. Ragnar sees Athelstan’s face fall, and says “Sometimes your god sounds a lot like one of ours.” EVERYTHING IS SO WONDERFUL.

Later, when everyone is sleeping, Ragnar tells his friend that he doesn’t know why the gods kept him alive. His friend asks what he’s going to do, and Ragnar says he can’t do anything until he’s well. He learns that Thyrri is being married off to a Swede with lands and power, and Haraldson gave him the boat as a dowry. Ragnar’s hands start to shake, but he says Floki can build a new one.

Floki pops around the corner to tell Ragnar’s bro that he needs to come over to the bed now, and that he’ll regret it if he doesn’t. Ragnar gestures for him to go:

GO GET YOUR DICK WET MY SON

GO GET YOUR DICK WET MY SON

and the bro does. So like. Hot Viking threeways were just a thing that happened all the time? That’s awesome.

Not involved in any threeways is Rollo, back in Kattegatt. He goes to the wedding party, where Thyrri is unenthusiastically dancing with her crappy new husband. The wedding hall looks like this:

SOMEBODY spends a lot of time on Pinterest. ARE YOU DRINKING OUT OF MASON JARS, TOO?

SOMEBODY spends a lot of time on Pinterest. ARE YOU DRINKING OUT OF MASON JARS, TOO?

Thyrri stops dancing when she sees Rollo. I mean, Rollo’s kind of terrible, but he’s huge and hot and she almost married him so I understand where she’s coming from.

Haraldson confronts Rollo, and Rollo is saucy before saying that they need to talk. We know enough about Rollo now that he won’t betray Ragnar like I initially assumed, so whew, but I’m sure something terrible will happen. Rollo says he wants in with Haraldson after convincing him he doesn’t know where Ragnar is, and Haraldson agrees to let him stay to prepare for the raids and rebuild his trust.

Around the fire at Floki’s, everyone explains Norse mythology to Athelstan. They explain Valhalla (but don’t explain Ragnarok) and how the earth was made (in the most metal way imaginable). They ask how Athelstan believes the earth was formed, but some creation stories are way more awesome than others and Christianity is in the latter camp.

Kattegatt. Rollo goes into a building and finds Siggy, and immediately makes out with her. She pushes him off, and tells him he needs to leave town, because Haraldson is going to kill him. He doesn’t believe her, but she assures him that Haraldson hates him. She then kisses him back. OOOOOOOHHHHH SCANDAL.

Rollo is attacked and beaten down outside. Oops.

Siggy finds him chained down to a table later. Haraldson comes in and gives her a suspicious look, and she’s just like WHAT. Rollo is woken up with a bucket of water, and Haraldson asks him where Ragnar is again. When Rollo doesn’t answer, Haraldson says “You seem to be having trouble opening your mouth.” And then fucking Glasgow smiles him. !!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!! ew

Floki’s. Lagertha dresses Ragnar’s wounds while Ragnar complains that it’s taking too long to heal. Bjorn says “You must have patience, Father,” and Ragnar mocks the shit out of him before telling him to shut up. Bjorn rolls his eyes. HAHA. Floki brings back Thorston (Ragnar’s hot bro) (and that name has to be right, because I know a dude named Thorston), who’s looking pretty rough. Floki found him in the woods.

Thorston tells Ragnar that Siggy visited him in secret (fuck, I knew I loved Siggy for a reason) to tell him that Haraldson lied to, imprisoned, and tortured Rollo. The light goes out in Ragnar’s eyes as he says “He tortured my brother?” It is terrifying. Floki warns Ragnar that it’s a trap, and Ragnar’s like DUH. Ragnar goes out into the rain and tries/fails to lift his injured arm. He calls Floki over, and asks him to go to Kattegatt and invite Haraldson to a personal duel with Ragnar, and to warn Haraldson that if he refuses, shame will follow him and he will never get into Valhalla.

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  • Liz

    HILARIOUS THINGS: Ragnar literally skipping through the forest after the deer; Floki and Helga’s matching Maybelline; Athelstan’s sulky baby face when they asked him how he thought the world was made.

    LESS HILARIOUS BUT STILL KINDA FUNNY: Bjorn’s face when the arrows started flying. He was so baffled.

    ALSO: that thing Ragnar did when he held his hand over the deer poop to see if it was still warm or not? WE LEARNED THAT IN GIRL SCOUTS, YO.

    also also floki’s threesome friend is Torstein, iirc.

    • Sam H.

      I LOVED FLOKI AND HELGA’S MATCHING MAYBELLINE. SO BEAUTIFUL. Also lol Bjorn. Baffled and kind of pissed off. (I’m so shocked that there is a prominent child character I actually really like. Normally I’m like ew go away.)

      My dad taught me that but I have literally never found a use for this information.

      I DON’T CARE I KNOW A THORSTON SO HIS NAME IS THORSTON.

      • Liz

        IT’S PRONOUNCED THE SAME DERPFACE

        BECAUSE OF THE THORN

        ÞORN ÞORN ÞORN ÞORN ÞORN

        haha it looks like porn