Game of Thrones 3.4 – And Now His Watch Is Ended

It's soon to be Queen Margaery! Pfft, okay, then and the King.

It’s soon to be Queen Margaery! Hip hip HOORAY! Pfft, okay, then…and the King. …hooray.

Forgive me for the lateness today, but I had minor surgery this morning. (Elective.  I now have three arms, hooray!)  ALSO, I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK ON MY OWN POWER LAST NIGHT because I called it, and it feels good. Let’s get to it! [If you need last week’s refresher, here you go.]

We lead off with Brienne and Jaime—his hand pinned just under his chin, and man, that’s going to stink soon—being led on horseback. Well, Brienne is on horseback, because Jaime just fell of his into the mud. Could his fall from Lannister heights be greater? Yep: a big ol’ swig of horse piss should do it.

But because Jaime is the gee dee Kingslayer, he manages to get a sword and hold off three guys left-handed until the six-fingered man (he totally looks like Christopher Guest in The Princess Bride) kicks him, disarms him, and then kicks him again. Ouch.

Uncle Fester just got a visit from UPS and has a rather large shipping box he’s about to open when Tyrion comes in. Tyrion is looking for information about Cersei trying to kill him. Varys? Any idea?

No. But what he does know is this, the tale of his becoming a Eunuch.

The Tale of Lord Varys’ De-Ballening

Once upon a time there was a young actor who was most becoming and showed much promise. A very wealthy man made an offer to the young man’s master, but not for anything so low as buggery, oh no, for this wealthy man was truly a sorcerer! He forced young Varys to drink a potion that made him unable to yell or move, but he could still feel pain. And thus didst the sorcerer smite young Varys’ twig and berries with a great smiting until they were smoten utterly. His wobbly bits were then tossed without so much as a by-your-leave into a flaming brazier, where a voice didst call from within, saying “Yes? You rang?”

God? Demon? Varys never learned, for he was then thrown into the cold, dark night where it was expected for him to die from the effects of no longer having a penis. But he lived by selling himself and learning how to pickpocket. He quickly learned that words were more dangerous than swords, because there he was, the victim of a sword, and yet still alive, because the sorcerer’s words were stronger. And he grew until he became the Lord of Whispers, and is still called that to this day.

Tyrion: Yes I know, because I called you that when I walked in. So how about a little help?

Varys: Allow me to remind you of why I am amazing. Because I’ll tell you what you want to know eventually, but first I want to show you that patience is a virtue. And revenge is a dish best served cold. Or in a box. Like bento.

What's in the booooox? (Hint: it's not Gwyneth Paltrow's head.)

What’s in the booooox? (Hint: it’s not Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.)

They peer into the box and it’s the sorcerer, mouth sewn shut, beaten and half-starved. Tyrion looks like he might throw up.

Speaking of vomit, we then head up to Craster’s where Porkins’ buddies Pyp and Other Guy that looks like a skinny Bronn are shoveling pig shit and bitching about it. Porkins’ keeper stands watching, seething within because he’s got The Snow Madness or some shit, and hates everyone and everything. He has no faith in Mormont getting them back to the Wall alive.

Porkins steals away to see Gilly and the baby, but she snaps at his feeble attempt at wooing. “Ain’t nobody got time for that! This baby is going to die soon, so unless you want to change diapers and save his life, fuck off!” Porkins just wanted to make a daisy chain for your hair, gosh.

Bran has a dream that involves Medieval Billy Elliott [Jojen] telling him to climb a tree to go after the three-eyed raven (and is that one of those magic trees with faces that was mentioned one time?) but his mother Catelyn shows up and yells at him, and he falls to the ground and wakes up, and Medieval Billy Elliott looks across the fire at him guiltily, and none of this made any sense. MORE STORY HERE PLEASE.

The Hardest Working Hooker in Westeros pays Uncle Fester a visit to explain how Podrick is a Smeagol in the streets but a Gollum in the sheets, and hookers’ sex buttons are his Precious. The hookers couldn’t even talk about what made it amazing, it just was. (I am loling forever.) But more importantly, Littlefinger hasn’t given up on Lady Sansa. But how can Uncle Fester be sure?

Roz pulls out a shipping manifest for Baelish’s trip to the Eyrie to marry Bad Boob Sucker. Why, there are two featherbeds listed! And unless Littlefinger is that much of a priss (“I just cahn’t sleep on anything less than two beds thick!”), it’s pretty clear that he’s going to whisk Sansa away.

King Weaselteat takes Margaery on the worst date ever, in which he walks her around the castle pointing out all the dead bodies, as Cersei and Lady Olenna hang back and plan the wedding. Olenna—and guys? I love her—says to Cersei that even though women do everything for their men to keep them alive, they seem determined to get themselves killed. This rankles Cersei like nothing else, because she just wants to be in charge. She has more balls than most men. (Certainly more than Varys, HEY NOW! I’ll be here all week.)

Cersei calls out to her son that not all chicks want to look at entombed skeletons on a date, but oh no! Margaery loves that sort of thing, just loves it! Why, it’s a reminder that they built this magnificent palace! Joffrey gives his mother the bitchiest of bitch faces and prances off with Margaery in hand, looking for some flies so they can pull the wings off it. Fun!

There’s chanting outside, but scarcely before Joffrey can wet his knickers, Margaery pulls him to the balcony, for it is his people! They love him! Well, they will. She waves to the crowd as they scream for her, then begrudgingly toss out a “Yeah, Joffrey’s all right, I suppose, but LADY MARGAERY WE LOVE YOU!!” He preens like an idiot, because that’s the most acceptance he’s ever had in life that didn’t come from Mummy.

Theon Greyjoy and his helper continue to flee toward Yara and safety when they come upon a castle. Theon starts talking about his father wanting him to make a choice: is he Stark or Ironborn? As if Theon could be a Stark… Not with Robb always pointing out that he wasn’t one. So fine, he’s Ironborn. And he burned down Winterfell to prove it. But…those weren’t the two Stark boys that were burned, it was two farm boys and he murdered them. And in this moment I actually felt bad for Theon, because he finally realized what an utter wonk he’s been. So yes, his father asked him to choose.

But his father lost his head and oh, snap! He means Ned! Oh, that has to hurt. “I made a choice. And I chose wrong. And I’ve burned everything down.” Damn, Theon.

The helper opens a gate, brings him into a dark room, tells him to hush, then lights a torch. OH SHIT SON YOU JUST GOT BROUGHT BACK TO THE X GAMES OF TORTURE WHAAAAAAT?  Holy Nacodoches, the look of betrayal and shock on his face could power a small village. Helper’s grin is an evil grin.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND?!

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND?!

Brienne and Jaime’s group make camp that night, and Jaime won’t eat. His spirits are low, and he doesn’t see the point in it anymore.

Brienne: Aww, life getting you down?  Because you’ve got a boo boo, I get it.
Jaime: I lost my hand! [/Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck]
Brienne: [smacks his head] Snap out of it!  What, you think you’re the only person who lost something? People lose things all the time, keys, hands, jobs, their lives, what makes you so special?
Jaime: [eats]
Brienne: That’s what I thought.  So why did you try and keep me from being raped?
Jaime: [eats, points at mouth to show he can’t talk]

Cersei goes to see Daddy at work. She wants to know what’s the 411 on Jaime. Tywin stares at her and says that he’s doing everything he can, pointedly. Because the man has the ability to do pretty much anything, and he’s doing everything to get his only son (ouch) back.

“Did it ever occur to you,” Cersei says, barely keeping her teeth from grinding all the way to the nubs, “that I’m your good son? I just wanted to play a game of catch, Dad, but it was nothing but lectures on family and manners. And Jaime wasn’t listening. I was. I listened. I’m doing it. And all I want is a gee dee game of catch, Daddy.”

After Tywin says nothing, she continues. “I don’t like the Tyrells. We shouldn’t trust them, because Margaery is manipulating Joffrey.”

GOOD. He wishes his daughter was manipulating Joffrey, quite frankly. When Cersei smirks that she’d like to see Tywin stop Joffrey from doing what he wants, Tywin stares her down with his ice-chip blue eyes and says, “I will.”

I’m pretty sure that if you look closely, you can see Cersei’s phantom prehensile tail tuck itself between her legs. Best thing: him saying that he doesn’t trust her not because she’s a woman, but because she’s not as smart as she thinks. That’s gotta hurt. That’s a stinger, right there.

Olenna spits on yet another cross stitch sampler with the Tyrell Motto on it, because it sucks. “Growing Strong?” That’s not going to strike fear in the heart of anyone. It lacks zazz. Who doesn’t lack zazz is Uncle Fester, who comes calling. Not to seduce, even though Olenna would love it, if only for laughter’s sake, but to simper about Lady Sansa and Littlefinger’s interest in her.

(Best line: Is she interesting? “Not particularly.” Ha. Wait, no, the best line is “What happens when a non-existent bumps against the decrepit?” I believe the Pointer Sisters answered that question: “When we bump, oooh, Fi-re.”)

Long and the short of it, Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in all of Westeros, because he’d do anything—anything—to be powerful. “He would see this country burn if he could be King of the ashes.” So he proposes the obvious: match Sansa up with Loras, because she’s the key to the North. Oho.

Speaking of, she’s praying by the sea (ugh) when Margaery comes over with just the right amount of silly girlfriend banter and teasing, and oh, how Sansa has longed for a sister-type! Arya was too rough and too young. And it’s interesting that she longs for a sister, because soon Maragery will be Queen and she can lift the ban on travel for Sansa. And she can travel with Loras to their wedding, hey now, and then they’ll really be sisters! It’s all Sansa could dream of, truly. Wow, Margaery is goooood.

At Crasters, the Watch burn one of their men who had been left behind the last time they were there. Apparently he died of a “broken foot” but the grunts know the truth: he was starved, just like they’re being starved. They stand there with the smell of Long Pig in their noses as their bellies rumble and Craster eats meat off a bone. They have nothing but bread made from sawdust.

Craster doesn’t understand why Mormont doesn’t just kill some of them to be eaten. He’ll do it, if Mormont isn’t man enough. One dude gets pissed enough to challenge him about the hidden larder of food Craster must have, they go back and forth, and angry dude calls Craster a bastard. Somewhere Jon Snow has a single tear roll down his cheek, and he doesn’t know why.

“You’re a daughter-fucking, Wildling bastard.”

“Call me bastard one more time, I dare you!”

“Bastard,” the guy says, cool as you like.

“Them’s fighting words!” And the guy neck-knifes him! Gurble! Blood! Mayhem! Everything’s fighting and yelling and rebellion, and Mormont gets literally stabbed in the back by one of his men, the Porkins’ Watch-Boy! WHAT THE HELL. Mormont falls to the ground and Angry Watcher pussy-stabs him all “Ehn! Ehn!” in the chest.

Porkins grabs Gilly and the baby and tells her they have to leave, now. Yeah, where you going, Porkins? Freedom’s thataway! Gilly makes him follow her after shoving the diaper bag on his shoulder. Bitches get shit done.

Arya and the Brotherhood make their way to a cave. The Hound’s hood is removed when he’s standing next to the fire, and he has a minor freakout, which is a nice bit of continuity. A man saunters from the shadows with a swagger, and the music tells me I’m supposed to care. It is…Baric Dundarrion! Uh…okay? The Hound calls them deserters but Baric says no, they are ghosts, the watchers who are always watching, waiting for their chance to fight. For justice. Or the One True God. (The religion stuff doesn’t have enough exposition for me to care or be able to follow what’s the what.)

The Hound is called a murderer, which he denies, but Arya says it’s twoo, it’s twoo! He killed her friend Mychah, when she was the one who hit Joffrey. So it is to be trial by combat, then. But he won’t fight Arya, no, he’ll fight Baric. He is…the most interesting man in the Brotherhood. He doesn’t always fight, but when he does, it’s to the death.

A Lannister poked my eye out once.  ONCE.

A Lannister poked my eye out once. ONCE.

BUT NOW FOR THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW, AND IF YOU DIDN’T THINK THAT I STOOD AND SCREAMED IN VICTORY, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL.

Dany and her gang go to make the final exchange: a dragon for an army. Krasnys is rude and awful, speaking in Valyrian. There is an awesome shot of the army, and it is HUGE. (That’s what she said.) She gets Dracarys out of his cage, he’s tethered to a chain-leash, and she passes him off to Krasnys like a leather balloon. Her baby makes horrible awful noises in the air as Krasnys tries to get him under control. He hands Dany an intricate whip, and she asks, “Is it done?”

In Valyrian he says, “The bitch has her army.”

About to be horribly killed says WHAT?

About to be horribly killed says WHAT?

She calls to the Unsullied and gives them rudimentary orders. In Valyrian. Then she turns to Krasnys and says—in Valyrian—”A dragon is not a slave.” OH SNAP I KNEW IT, I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY ABOUT HIS LOOK OF SHOCK AND MISSANDEI’S HOLY SHIT, M’LADY! FACE.

She says to him, “Yeah, so you’re an idiot who forgot that I am Danaerys Targaryen, Dragonborn, and Valyrian is my mother tongue, so who’s the bitch now?” She tells her army to kill everyone who holds a whip and called them their master. She then says her baby’s name, and he GLEEFULLY lights up Krasnys with dragonfire, which must sting a lot. The battle is quick, Dracarys burns the whole plaza, and Jorah makes a note to change his pants once they board ship.

Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT you said.

Yeah, that’s what I THOUGHT you said.

[Tough girls don’t look at explosions. They blow things up and then walk away.]

Dany then tells the Unsullied that they are free. She wants no slaves, only soldiers who will fight for her. A few look…woken up. “Will you fight for me?” (Jorah almost screams out, “YES, KHALEESI, I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU.”)

There is a resounding “HELL, YEAH” from the army, Jorah falls in love with her that much more, and Dany rides out with her army in tow. She drops the mic, er, the whip, flashes Astapor a peace sign as her dragons fly overhead towards their ships.

And zero fucks were given that day. DANY OUT!

I freaking love this show with the force of a thousand suns. It just gets better every episode, holy smokes. (Remember: I’m NOT a book reader, no spoilers, please, and many readers are also spoiler free. Be a lady, don’t be shady.)

ETA: There are a few folks pointing out that the dragon isn’t actually named Dracarys, but that it’s a command in Valyrian. Or whatever other language there is. Since I’m not a book reader, I only know what the show tells me, so please try to ignore if I don’t have all of those inner details just right. I’m just some chick loving on a show, you know? I don’t get paid, I just come to squee.

ON TO THE NEXT EPISODE!

Please like & share:
  • Josie Morin

    The end of that episode made me pee my pants with joy

    • The end of that episode got me pregnant. With anticipation for more.

  • Katy

    You don’t know how much it took for me not to comment last week, being a book reader, knowing how right you were.

    The ending left me grinning from ear to ear and just about dancing in my chair.

    I am hoping for the non-readers sake they do explain more some of the things.

    • Ha! There were a few of you that were biting your fists on Daenerys, and I thank you for it. I gave a victory fist pump and a banshee war cry that had my husband falling off the bed laughing at me. (At least I think that’s why…)

      I would really like to know more about the religions, as it seems like it’s important to the world building. The politics I get, but when there’s a new character, it always takes an episode or two before we get their full story. I’m happy to wait each week, though, because I know they’ll give it to me eventually.

  • Athena

    Can I point out that the name of the dragon is actually Drogon and dracarys is a command she uses when she wants her dragons to…well burn things.

    • So far the show has indicated that’s a name? Things are different between the two, names in the book vs. the show, but I’ll make sure I go back and watch the episode where she’s with Blue Lips (ha) and calls their names so I can make sure to get everything just right.

  • cowsharky

    Great recap, just one lil’ correction: dracarys is Valyrian for dragonfire. The name of the dragon burninating Astapor is called Drogon (named for Khal Drogo, sniff). His brothers are Viserion, named for Dany’s brother Viserys, and Rhaegal. named for Rhaegar, Dany’s other brother, whose kidnapping of Lyanna Stark started the whole mess that ended up with her being exiled.

    The only proper name that wasn’t flagged by spellcheck in my post was Stark, heh.

    • Thank you, book reader! I’m going back to watch a few eps, because I can’t remember them ever telling us names, etc. (And because I ONLY watch the show, I don’t know all of the extra stuff in the books. Ack, and I don’t want to! Total spoiler phobe here!)

      Glad you enjoyed the rest of the recap, though!

      • Beth

        This is a tough one, because they don’t relay the names in the show, but the only “tell” for a non-book reader is in season 2, when Dany is training her dragons to cook their own food.. She says, “Dracarys,” and the dragon shoots fire to cook a tiny piece of meat. And again when she was in the Magic Fun House and killed Mr. “I ate a Bic Pen”. Personally, I think she should just say, “BURN THE MOTHERFUCKERS OUT!”

        • And see, to me, that was the same dragon each time, the one with red on its wings. So I assumed it was a name. They didn’t say “This word means blah,” so…

          Eh. I ain’t bovvered. It’s not like it takes away from the show. (Also, BONUS POINTS TO YOU for using a line from Blood on the Highway.)

      • cowshark

        It’s cool, like Beth pointed out, they haven’t said their names on the show. I love your recaps mucho.

        • LOL, exactly! :D ALL I KNOW IS THAT I GET VERY EXCITED WHEN I SEE DRAGONS! Especially when they’re super excited to show off for their mommy. KHALEESI!!! I’m very glad to know that you’re enjoying the recaps! Thanks for your patience with me not knowing everything from the books – I really love being surprised every week by what’s on screen.

  • Athena

    And Missandei looked pleasantly smug when Dany spoke valyrian like ”yes…the asshole is gonna get what he deserves” and Jorah as you wrote fell even more in love with her but also looked a bit turned on.

    • Oh, Missandei was all, “IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.” Jorah was so turned on he needed new pants. HE JUST WANTS TO LOVE THE KHALEESI.

  • Elsweyr

    I started laughing when reading your earlier recaps where you’d twigged onto Daenaerys speaking Valyrian, knew that would be a happy surprise here.

    Kudos to Emilia Clarke, ‘cuz if you go back and watch her facial expressions closely when Kraznys is insulting her in previous episodes, you can totally tell she understands.

    And man, she rocked talking a made-up language, too.

    • Ha, there were a bunch of you biting your lip on the Daenerys surprise! (And seriously, thank you so much for that. It was such a joy to have that revealed on the show!)

      I was thinking about how amazing she sounded with the made up language, too! Dothraki was good, but this sounds natural. Which, given that it’s her character’s native tongue, makes sense. (Which is also another indication of how amazing Emilia Clarke is. UGH, I get why Jorah is in love with her, basically.) :D

  • Maxwell James

    Hahaha, yeah, I knew you were going to enjoy this one. And nicely called!

    I love the little glance Jorah and Selmy exchange right before they march off – they’re totally like “yup, we married up all right.”

    He doesn’t always fight, but when he does, it’s to the death.

    In the two-party system (lions vs wolves!), it’s the after-party you want to attend.

    • Hee, I can only imagine how y’all were rolling your eyes (and wanting to say YES, LAURA. THAT IS– YES.) :D

      jorah and Selmy fall in love with her all over again in that moment, and yes, it is a GLORIOUS sight. That’s what you want in a queen, the quality that makes a person so devoted that their respect is a form of love. UGH, this show is so freaking great!

      Hahahaha at Two Party system. Daenerys is about to Tea party some shit up. (Hm. Pretend America has a cool third party that would adequately represent the Dragonborn.)

      • Maxwell James

        Ahem… in case you haven’t seen these Westerosi political ads, enjoy!

        I will say, that as awesome as the ending was, my favorite special effect in the episode was Brienne’s eyes, as she found herself looking at Jaime in a new light. Those two could not have been more perfectly cast.

        • Brienne and Jaime are my favorite brotp on the show, without question. The past few episodes where we’ve watched their understanding of (and respect for) each other has been fantastic. ALl hail to the actors for creating fully-fleshed out humans.

          And those political ads are HILARIOUS!

          • Maxwell James

            Also, wrt your earlier question about religion – it’s worth noting that the books are also pretty elliptical about it. You have to read the books multiple times – or check an online guide – to really pick out the details in each religion.

            The show is very similar in this respect – the details are all there, but many of them are visual or only fleeting, and you might have to watch a few times to see them all. I would note, for instance, the prevalence of seven-sided stars in the important Kings Landing buildings (such as the first photo from your post).

            • Oh, that’s fascinating to hear about the religion. So it’s not a driving force to the world, good to know. I mean, not having more information about the different beliefs isn’t hindering my ability to enjoy the show and pick at the multiple layers, I’m just the kind that yearns for knowledge. :D

              The seven-sided stars I assume are the seven gods? Or the seven hells. :D

              • Maxwell James

                Mmmm… I wouldn’t put it that way, religion is definitely very important. But it’s more like this: in the Godfather movies, no one ever really spells out the tenets of Catholicism, the holy Trinity, or even the fact that “Godfather” means something other than “arch-gangster.” Let alone that killing all your enemies on your kid’s baptism day is not a very, um, godly thing to do.

                But an alien anthropologist from many millennia in the future could probably figure out the essence of Catholicism from the movie – given enough viewings.

                Similarly, in GoT, I think you could probably piece together the main elements of every religion (there’s at least 4 in Westeros alone), but you might have to get a little obsessive about it. I’m being vague because I realize you like working things out on your own – but if you decide you don’t want to, HBO has produced at least one video that describes them all in some detail.

                And yeah, the Seven is one of them. Like Roman Catholicism in Europe, its imprint is all over the landscape.

                • Four religions! Let’s see… I know the prayer at the face tree in Season one in Winterfell was a particular faith, the 7 Gods, Lord of Light…and I assume we’ll get a touch more there next week with Beric and The Hound. I’m actually fascinated by religion in particular, so fleshed-out faith in a fantasy world gets me excited (which I why I want more, because I’m greedy).

                  I’ll definitely look into the HBO videos – I tend to avoid them because it’s very easy for me to focus on “behind the scenes” and think about actor choices, direction, and so forth, when my #1 purpose in watching this show is to absorb what comes on my screen every Sunday night. (Which is counter to any fannishness I’ve had in the past; normally I immerse myself whole-heartedly in everything related to canon.)

                  I just have a lot of feelings. ;)

                  • Maxwell James

                    Well, in that case: this is where you’ll want to start. And this is pretty great as well, though it’s more behind the scenes kind of stuff. Enjoy!

                    • Maxwell James

                      Though I would be remiss if I did not say: Youtube comments – avoid at all costs. A den of spoilers. I had one major book event spoiled there – before said book was published.

                    • YouTube comments are the PIT OF VOLES, wiser words have never been spoken!

  • Brittany

    I just love your reviews! Especially the little pop culture references that you throw in. I particularly liked the Johnny Dangerously reference with Baric :)

    • I want to deliver a golden calf to your home for getting the Joe Piscipo reference there. OR WOULD YOU PREFER CASH? (Thank you! Glad you laughed with me!)

  • Aaron L

    AHHH !!! Satisfaction…. Just like the other comments, I so wanted to pat you on the back about how on track you were, but held tongue bitten… When the ending came I was just imagining your scream of victory ;) I bet your hubs loved every second of it, this show, and he got to see all your reactions :)

    One of your funniest recaps and most exciting too. From “Ode to Varys” to bastard Jon’s tear, and the most interesting man in the brotherhood, actually everything just hilarious.

    I have to say for me this was probably one of the best episodes. of all 3 seasons. To me it was the first time I didn’t compare anything to the book, and just sat back and enjoyed with a big ass smile from ear to ear, and enjoyed the show as a show. Not to say in the past I didn’t, but some parts here and there I would, I don’t know the exact word Im looking for, so I will say compare or judge it to the book. Very pleased. Margaery, Olena, Varys, and most of all Dany were STARS!!!

    I cant wait for more episodes and recaps ;)

    • AARON, I AM SO GRATEFUL TO YOU GUYS FOR LETTING ME HAVE THAT! There may have been walking on my knees with victory fist pumps as I crowed out into the night, I want to be honest with you guys. Ha.

      And tell your wife I said you are a GIFT for laughing at my Ode to Varys. Part of me wants to make these a podcast to share the ridiculous voices in which I write much of this, but – like Gilly – aint nobody got time for that! :)

      Oh, I love knowing that you liked this most of all, that’s so interesting! Okay, so this was the first time it felt like its own entity and/or was fast paced enough that it kept you engaged with what you saw on screen? *strokes chin* Interesting. That makes me think this was a huge plot mover of an episode, actually. True, there was a LOT that happened, game pieces seem to be played VERY STRATEGICALLY, as well. Very. Cool.

      I can’t wait for more episodes, too! (And thanks, as always, for being such a supporter of these recaps!)

  • Laura Rezko

    I was waiting allllllllll day for this- and it was worth it!

    So many good moments in this episode:

    – Margaery and Olena continue to rock my world. I agree with Olena’s statement about her House’s motto. It doesn’t have the same ring to it as, “Winter is Coming.”
    – VARYS! Oh my god! I mean, he was intriguing before and I always loved his snark. But I don’t think I ever thought he was dangerous. Welp! That’s changed(not to say that he’s not justified in doing that to the guy who chopped his nuts off)!
    – Theon! I can’t say anything more about this… for reasons.
    – I have conflicting feelings about Jaime! I feel bad for him. I do! But he also paralized Brandon(therefore losing his hand is sort of justified?). But he’s also hot and I don’t want more body parts chopped off. Damn you, conflicting emotions!
    – I can’t say I sorry to see Crastor killed, but shit! Things went downhill so fast! And Mormont is dead(which also means Ser Jorah lost his dad- I’m sure this connection was mentioned in season 1)! Oh crap! Who will lead the Night’s Watch now?
    – KHALEESIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Crap, that was AMAZING. She sounded so good speaking Valayrian. Jorah didn’t say anything, but he sure was saying, “Khaleesiiii” with his eyes, amiright?

    • (I actually did have surgery yesterday morning and it was KILLING ME to not be here with my homies. WHO NEEDS FAKE EYEBROW IMPLANTS, AM I RIGHT? Wait, I didn’t ask for those…)

      * Margaery and Olenna are such a freaking delight on my screen. The snark! The cleverness! The ability to play anyone and everyone!
      * Varys was utterly chilling last night, and like you, I didn’t realize JUST HOW DANGEROUS the man actually was. And I think Tyrion got the message: Varys goes hard.
      * Oh, THEON. After the ol’ switcharoo last night, I’m going back to my original theory that this is a way for his father to test his loyalty – AND. HE. FAILED. Oh, poor Theon. I actually feel for the guy now.
      * Jaime… you have a point (a hand for a spine) but the more we see of the Lannisters, the more we see how much a victim of politics and his father he is. Not that it’s okay to paralyze children (unless they keep stomping through your gardens and SERIOUSLY, KID ON MY BLOCK, DO YOU WANT ME TO GO KINGSLAYER ON YOUR ASS?) but it’s great to see he’s not a mustache twirling villain, either. There aren’t many of those – just Weaselteat. Mostly I just love how layered everyone in.
      * Oh my gosh, the Craster Rebellion was mindblowing with how quickly that escalated. I half expected to see Steve Carrell on a horse throwing a trident. “That escalated quickly.” And yes, they made a point of saying Jorah was his son (back when Mormont gave Jon his bastard sword – it’s actually a bastard sword, OMG.)
      * JORAH ALMOST GOT PREGNANT FROM HIS OWN KHALEESI LOVE. Holy smokes, I love that man for loving his Khaleesi.

      • Laura Rezko

        Oh, I knew it must have been something important to keep you away!

        I like the ideas of blood and thorns that people were tossing around for a new Tyrell motto. I was thinking of something like “blood feeds our gardens, our strength”, but I can’t think of a way to make that better. Plus, it makes them sound like vampires. WHICH COULD BE COOL. Margaery and Loras are awfully pretty… and Lady Olenna does have some Spike- worthy snark.

        Also, your phrase “Snow Madness” makes me chuckle. I live in a northern Canadian prairie city with winters that really hang in there. And the way people grumble about it sometimes, I’d definitely say they have a touch of Snow Madness.

        • Well, the Tyrells really need to throw in the words “prick” and “drip” if you ask me. I’M JUST SAYING…that I shouldn’t be a professional motto creator. :D

          Down where I am in Texas, we have “Oklahoma Crazy” when it’s so hot people just go bananas. (Ha, we have a sibling rivalry with Oklahoma.)

  • thanners

    Ah ha! Love the recap as always. There are recaps with all analysis and trying to extract themes and whatnot, but sometimes I really really just want to listen to (well, read) someone’s reaction to the awesome.

    I think I went back to rewatch the Dany scene three times straight over and over after I’d finished watching the episode. Chills! And that was even knowing roughly what was going to happen. The tension, the music, and Emilia Clarke’s absolutely amazing delivery of her lines. Holy crap. That hotness plus posture, as one friend puts it, is a potent combination.

    Also, I’m not surprised the name Beric Dondarrion didn’t really have much impact with you–the last we saw him was (a long time ago) in season one, when Ned Stark sent him to go hunt the Mountain. The actor was recast since then, too, presumably because it’s hard to employ someone to appear for all of 10 seconds and say nothing in season one, and then disappear until season three.

    • I am glad to hear you enjoy my freaking out! It makes it all worth it. :D

      Oh my gosh, the Dany scene was freaking epic. EPIC. Emilia Clarke is just riviteing – I want to watch her for hours, and every week. I know there are other characters, but she is (and has been) my favorite character, hands down.

      ….we’ve met Baric before? WOW. Yeah, that must have been in an episode where there were so many A story lines that a small mention to someone that didn’t show up again didn’t register. (This is what I try to explain to some of the more…fussy book readers. I’m going off the show, and if they don’t make something stick, or point out information, I have no way of knowing.) Now I want to go back and rewatch Season 1 again and see what other little threads were laid out (and oh, what a hardship, watching one of my favorite shows again! Ha). Thank you for pointing that out! (And recast, too? Ugh, no wonder!)

  • Lee No

    As always, love your recaps.
    A few of my TV-nerdy observations, spoiler-free of course as you haven’t read the books (I actually enjoy your non-book reader recaps much more than book reader ones because they focus much more on the show as a show, and are hysterically funny)
    -How cool was the shot where the Unsullied trample over the whip? Oh, and the one where soft and perfumed Varys appeared dark and scary in the mirror?
    -The glance back to Cersei as Margaery leads Joffrey out to meet the crowds: “You and I both know what I’m doing, and I’m so much better at this than you”. I actually felt a little bad for Cersei this episode (????!!?!?!?!?!). Poor girl just wants a hug and a kingdom.
    -Theon’s admission that he chose wrong and that Ned was his real father was heartbreaking. And I love how sadistic Iwan Rheon’s “little bastard” (that’s what I call helper guy here since that’s the only name anyone has given him at this point”) suddenly looked when they put Theon back on the cross. Hellooo Joffrey.
    -Dany is too cool to look at explosions. That was my immediate thought as well.
    -About two days before the episode aired, I said that “Growing Strong” was a lame motto compared to the others. Thanks for agreeing with me, Dowager Countess Olenna!
    Now I think I’ve babbled on long enough :P Looking forward to next week SO MUCH!

    • hey there! Glad you enjoyed the recap! (And thank you for letting me stay spoiler free! *forehead kiss*)

      * OH MY GOSH. THE UNSULLIED. We’re just getting a taste of what they’re all about, I’m sure, and I love love LOVED seeing a few of them wake up as Daenerys offered them freedom and asked – asked! They were asked!- to fight for her. The symbolism of the whip and its destruction were absolutely fantastic. Dany said she didn’t want slaves, and by gum, she doesn’t have any.
      * Crud, I actually made a note to point out that moment with Varys in the mirror, how it’s distorted and we can’t really see him in it – just like we don’t really know who he is now. BRILLIANT DIRECTION.
      * I’m feeling bad for Cersei, too, because she is getting PLAYED. And by someone younger and better at working things to get what she wants. Oh, is Cersei angry. Just bubbling under the surface, and she is someone to keep an eye on, Margaery.
      * Theon FINALLY got me to care about him. (Not that I hate the actor, character, anything like that, he’s just been pretty straightforward as a douchecanoe.) The hurt he expressed in this episode, the alienation, the loss… POOR THEON. Hah, helper dude was TOTALLY sporting the Weaselteat!
      * I want to high five you and put on sunglasses for you singing The Lonely Island with me on that scene.
      * Growing Strong is totally weak, this is true. I’ve been trying to think of a new one for them, but it’s hard. Pfft, roses. They need to change their house sigil to a Medusa!

      Can’t wait for next week, and thank you so much for sticking with me!

  • Aaron L

    LMAO !!! My wife always thinks Im a gift ;) Just wish I could get her to watch the show tho. All I have is my few Thrones Drones friends I have, and this site to talk about it with.

    LOL NO I wasn’t hinting at this being a huge plot mover episode…Like Ive said before I take the show for the show, and the book for the book. And I enjoy BOTH immensely. Its just that in the 3 seasons there was always one part here or there that I would think to myself, huh wish they did it this way, or if I was making this I would of left that part in, that was important ie religion. I am not complaining AT ALL about the show, I LOVE IT !!! But this episode just felt like the strongest for the show as a show. There were things here and there that wernt like the book, but I didn’t even think about them because I was to busy just enjoying it.

    Oh a podcast that would be too funny. I can only imagine the voices you make, and the laughing at your drum to cymbal jokes (which I find Hilarious) speaking of that, did you hear about the new pirate movie??? Yeah its rated RRRRRRRRRRR

    • I’m happy she recognizes your greatness, then! Oh, but she doesn’t watch? WOE UNTO YOU, my dude. Woe unto you.

      I do feel like a lot of important plot points were established in this episode, though. But I am also very happy to hear that as a book reader you found this episode gratifying and entertaining. (I haven’t thought you’ve complained about the show, so you know.) I do want there to be more about the different religions, but my hope is that’s to come. I feel like they’re going to touch on the Lord of Light more next ep with Beric – and I’d like to see that there are more facets to that faith than smoke babies and Fire Crotches of Rage and Revenge. Layers, I want them!

      OH MY GOD YOU GAVE ME A PIRATE JOKE. Ahahahaha. (Oh, speaking of, Black Sails looks awesome, and I think our girl Liz – Spartacus, Teen Wolf – is going to hit those up. I AM EXCITE. The pirate’s life for me! Well, aside from that scurvy thing.)

  • Athena

    Well if we were to come up with a new motto for the Tyrells I think in the new motto we should include the words thorn and blood. Roses may not be dangerous but thorns certainly can be.

    • “Tend To Us Well, Or ‘Tis Black Spot For Ye”
      “A Rose Smells Sweet, But Your Prick’d Thumb Is Sweeter”

      …needs work. :D

  • Lisa

    Have to say I also loved the expression of satisfaction on Barristan Selmy’s face. Oh yeah, this is a Queen he wants to follow all the way to Westeros to kick that weaselteat off his perch. He traded up monarchs.

    • I love that Selmy and Jorah are constantly having their choice reaffirmed as the right one. LONG LIVE THE DRAGON QUEEN!!! “kick that Weaselteat off his perch” AHAHAHA. Oh, the glorious, glorious gif sets that would come from that… <3

  • Beth

    HOLY SHIT THIS SHOW. I can’t even about Dany and the You Got Served scene. Too much.

    But I was all “HUH?” about Theon. I don’t understand why he’d save him, only to bring him right back again. Psychological torture? Seems pretty ridiculous after losing a few men just to make Theon feel awful. DUNNUT UNNERSTAND.

    Also, some serious zombie-age is about to go down at Daughter Raper’s Hut. I hope Porky’s friend with the beard made it. I liked him. It didn’t show him die (at least I didn’t catch it amongst all that mayhem) so I am hopeful.

    And poor Sansa! I mean, at least Margeary’s brother wouldn’t be mean to her, but dude. Ain’t no party like a gay man’s party cuz a gay man’s party won’t ever include you, I’m sorry, just look pretty.

    • Okay, my theory on Theon is that his dad has been behind this torture the whole time. He’s a hard man, is Lord Greyjoy, and his last remaining son shamed him by being taken captive. So this is all an elaborate way to torture him (and gain his confidence, get information from him while they’re on “the lam”) and satisfy his own gruesome sense of justice? I DUNNO EITHER, I’m just guessing.

      Trying to figure out who died at Crasters was nigh impossible. NIGH, I SAYS. I hope Pyp is okay, too (I think that’s who you meant?)

      Sansa and Loras can hold hands and talk about the hot new knight and go to plays and try new hairdos and she can tell him how wonderful he looks as he continues to be an amazing fencer, and then she can go horseback riding while Loras slips someone the willy.

  • Star

    I am biting my tongue not to say anything about Theon’s predicament. So instead I will gleefully cackle over Tywin’s comments to Cersei about how she’s not as smart as she thinks she is – because Tyrion said the exact same thing! (Last season, I think? Or S1? There is SO MUCH information, I forget.)

    That last scene with Dany and co. was AWESOME. SO AWESOME OMG.

    • I think that was Season 2 when Tyrion said that to Cersei – S1 had him at Winterfell, then held captive by Catelyn for what Jaime did to Bran? I DON’T REMEMBER, which means I get to rewatch the season, hooray! :D

      THIS SHOW IS SO AWESOME – Dany owns me heart and soul. I love other characters, but I LOVE her.

  • Athena

    Well Tyrion also said it again at this year’s season premiere

  • I think I enjoy reading your recaps even more because you haven’t read the books, because you really convey well the experience of a non-reader enjoying the TV show as presented.

    One production detail I liked was the tree stump on which Sansa was praying. Remember those big trees (the ones with faces) in the Godswood at Winterfell? Shows how much the Kings Landing folk care about the beliefs of the North.

    Also, the Red God that Dondarrion’s talking about is the same as Melisandre’s. so, given his band of somewhat merry men fighting for justice in the North, beric is like…

    Red Robin Hood.

    I tried.

    • Oh, good! I mean, I *am* a non-reader, so I’m glad I come off looking like one (ha, you know me, and you know I’m teasing you). OH MY GOSH, I didn’t realize she was praying on a tree stump! I thought it was a stone wall – yes, that is a nice bit of continuity! I did pick up on Beric’s Lord of Light being Melisandre’s Lord of Light – I’m just hoping we’re looking at two VERY DIFFERENT WAYS of worshiping. Or maybe not, who knows? We’ll find out next week, I think.

      *impatiently waits*

  • Aaron L

    Hey Laura, I was reading through comments, and saw you had surgery. I must of missed that at the beginning the first time ( what a maroon) Hope everything is all right, and went well….

    I also wanted to comment on this little gem of a line ” Podrick is a Smeagol in the streets but a Gollum in the sheets, and hookers’ sex buttons are his Precious” Priceless !!!!!! :)

    • Aww, you’re so sweet! I’m just fine, no worries! (And thank you!)

      Also, you continue to be my favorite (tell no one, it’s a secret) for laughing at my favorite lines, too. What’s taters, Precious?

  • Aaron L

    WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!! wait shhh shhh mums the word ;)……..

    POOOO-TA-TOES!!!!