Game of Thrones 3.5 – Kissed By Fire

Oh, so NOW you don't want to be Daddy's Girl, Cersei?

Oh, so NOW you don’t want to be Daddy’s Girl, Cersei?

PREVIOUSLY.  There are no signs of this show slowing down. If Game of Thrones were a mathematical equation, it would be y = x * 6reanimations/3baby jars + 1 Khaleesi to the 3rd power of Dragon (which we all know is a rational numerical representation of awesome).

OBLIGATORY REMINDER: I am NOT a book reader. If it’s not made to be important on the show (for a non-book reader) then I might not know all the nuances that a book reader would. Please keep in mind that book readers are aware of tiny details that we show-watchers aren’t. Don’t be shady, be a lady. (aka: Don’t be a pedant, even if someone is Wrong On The Internet.)

 

 

We lead off in the Cave of Justice with the Brotherhood Without Banners where we’re about to have a fun, old-school Southern Baptist Lock-In. Beric, about to fight the Hound, whispers some of his Lord of Light hoodoo, and with blood, prayers, and the wish for bad people to die (see? Just like the lock-ins of my youth) he lights his sword on fire (freaking out the Hound) and they go at it. It’s a glorious sword fight, things being knocked over, the crowd having to dodge wild swings and flaming parries. In the end the Hound makes an amazing overhand chop with his sword and slices through Beric’s left-shoulder and neck. Oh, the gout of blood that sprays forth!

And now the Hound is not guilty because he killed Beric. (Oookay.) As Thoros rushes to Beric’s side, praying for him to return to life, Arya goes bananas. She rushes the Hound with Sting, but Gendry is there to pull her away. She screams for him to burn in hell. (Yep. Typical lock-in.) “Don’t worry; he will,” Beric says, and BERIC SAYS WHAT BECAUSE I SAW HIM DIE? ARE HIS EYES BLUE?!

Jon Snow (and Ygritte? A word: you can call him Jon, or pookie. Chump. Just stop saying his whole name, please?) and the Wildlings make camp on their chilly march to the Wall, when the Warg gives him the stink eye, wanting to find out details on the Watch. Out of all the castles that line the Wall, only three are actually manned, oho! Jon struggles with giving away this information (the boy wasn’t made to be a double agent) but eventually does, including the fact that there are still 1000 men at Castle Black.

And the Warg is pissy and shitty and calls him a liar, sending Ygritte into CHAV territory. “Are you calling me man a pikey!?” she screams, pulling off her rings and smearing her cheeks with Vasoline. Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter tells Jon that while he likes the kid, if Jon’s lying, he’ll have no problem pulling his guts out through his throat. (It’s no Dothraki de-throating, but it has its own merits.)

Jon sulks at Ygritte for emasculating him, so she takes it a step further by grabbing his Bastard sword (a hand and a half makes a bastard sword!) and giggling over her shoulder. “Catch me, Jon Snow, catch me!” she titters, running towards a Cave of Sexing. And he does. And she strips. And she’s well fit, innit? And after balking at being kissed, he gives in and kisses her lips but not the ones she’s expecting, chicky bow wow! It seems Jon has some Podrick in him, and apparently they don’t go down South in the North.

Is she singing a national anthem?  The one that goes, "Jon SNOOOOOOOOOW?"

Is she singing a national anthem? The one that goes, “Jon SNOOOOOOOOOW?”

Interesting fact about bastard swords: they’re designed for thrusting, even though they’re of a slightly irregular length. (Penis jokes. I am actually a 12-year-old boy.) Interesting fact about Jon: he’s a virgin, of course. Ygritte? Not so much. We didn’t learn if the carpet matched the drapes in her brief story of why being red-headed is a gift (kissed by fire) nor did we learn if Jon is also a hand and a half. Ba-dum-bum-ching!

In Harrenhal, Jaime and Brienne are finally delivered to Lord Bolton, who treats them with respect as high-ranking hostages, but still as hostages. Brienne he sets free and calls her a Lady (which she is), and Jaime is tortured emotionally with a tale of how King’s Landing was sacked and his sister Cersei…eh, she’s fine. Jaime collapses and is taken off to get medical attention.

And, uh, the medic? Not so much with the awesome bedside manner. He’s no longer a Maester because of his “experiments.” He seems the type to graft extra butts onto things. (“This is a four-assed monkey. Majestic, isn’t it?”) Jaime wants to know the damage report.

Dr. Moreau: The whole arm needs to come off. I can put a butt in its place.
Jaime: I can put my fist in your heart.
Dr. Moreau: I can take it off at the elbow? Maybe just one butt cheek to soften the end?
Jaime: I can Dothraki that throat of yours?
Dr. Moreau: I can poke at the crusty dead grey bits and make you scream, then pour boiling hot liquid over the weeping stump?
Jaime: …can we go back to the butt thing? Wait! No! I can do this. Get on with it.
Dr. Moreau: Eeeeeeexcellent.

And Jaime’s nutsack grew three sizes that day as holy shitballs the guy is just poking at the stump with tweezers and there is no anesthesia being used and Jaime finally lets himself shriek and gaaaaaah!

Cersei finds Lord Baelish mincing about in a courtyard and threat-flirts with him to find out the inner scoop on the Tyrells. Oh, and he better not cock it up like he did that whole “Where’s Arya Stark” thing, because her daddy is in town, and Baelish wouldn’t like her daddy when he’s angry. Baelish refrains from tugging at his neckline and promises to do his best.

Lady Olenna comes calling to Tyrion’s room for wine and figs (no cheese?) to talk about wedding costs. Um, she was under the impression that Tyrion was drunk, impertinent, and thoroughly debauched? So, this isn’t a fun visit where there might be nude bodies swinging from the ceiling? “You can imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a brow-beaten bookkeeper.” Ouch, that’s gotta sting.

The run down: the town is running low on money, so how about a nice little Justice of the Peace ceremony with close family only?

Olenna: How about I take back all the cattle, food, soldiers, horses, weapons, hope—
Tyrion: Large wedding it is, then!
Olenna: And because I’m magnanimous, I’ll pay half. BRING ME MY FIGS. To go.

The hottest blacksmith in all the land, Gendry, works on Beric’s shoulder-sliced armor, which pisses Arya off. She wants them to get while the getting’s good, but Gendry has sad news for her: he’s staying. He likes it with the Brotherhood. They elect their own leaders and treat one another like a family. He’s never had that. Arya, tears in her eyes, says, “I can be your family!”

He looks at her sadly (and fondly), saying with a gentle tone, “No, you’re not my family. You’re ‘My Lady.’” Someone tell me that she grows up, becomes a pirate, and they get married. WAIT DON’T TELL ME. (I know he didn’t mean “’cause you’re my laaaaaaady! And I am your maaaaaan.” but I wanted him to.)

A group of men fight their way into the cell holding the Lannister boys at Riverrun, and it’s Lord Karstark leading the charge. The boys are killed while pleading for their lives. BOYS. They are BOYS, Karstark. Robb says as much, demanding he look at their wee bodies. Karstark doesn’t give a shit, because the man is on a vengeance kick. He sasses back at Robb, earning himself a sock to the mouth. He keeps taunting Robb as being soft.

Oh? Because Robb is going to hang your buddies and behead you, so how you like them soft apples? Karstark sneers as he’s led off. The problem here is if Robb kills him, all of the Karstarks will most likely leave. But what, he’s supposed to let that sort of treason happen? He’ll have respect, thanks. Karstark is laid out on a chopping block, threatens to haunt Robb ’til the end of his days, and goes from 6’1 to 5’3 with the swing of a blade.

Arya and Thoros go through their nightly vigils (she with her list of enemies to be killed, he with a bottle of hooch to be consumed) with her impending “trade” in Riverrun about to happen. They call it a trade, she calls it a ransom—potato, potahto. Beric wonders if she’s afraid of him what with the crazy hoodoo of “you can’t die” prayer thing he and Thoros have going on. They’ve done this six times, now, and each time Beric returns to life, there’s a little less of him at each rebirth. Arya just wants to know if they could do that for her dad and there goes my heartstrings, Arya. She’s just a little girl, living in a lonely world, she took the Black Watch train going a-nee-where…

Speaking of fervent prayer, some woman is praying to the Lord of Light and it’s Stannis’ wife! Oh, and she’s crazy. (Evidently Stannis has a type.) He visits, tries to confess to creeping on her, when she admits that she knows. Oh, and she’s totally cool with it. She’s Sarah giving over her handmaiden, rejoicing that God has blessed Stannis with a son. And then we see three giant steampunk pickle jars with DEAD BABIES IN THEM, and it’s official that Selyse is a nutjob. We don’t hoard babies, Selyse. No. That’s a no no. Stannis looks like he doesn’t know what to do with this, so he goes to see his SECRET DAUGHTER WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE AT DRAGONSTONE WITH THE BARATHEONS?

Each of these my...three babies...I will carry with me.

Each of these my…three babies…I will carry with me.

Oh, his daughter is a tiny little thing with beautiful hair and shingles on the side of her face. Jeez, guys, that’s no reason to lock her away with shame! Her name is Shireen and her best friend is Ser Davos. Stannis almost brings himself to pat her head while saying, “No, he’s not your friend anymore. He’s in the dungeons where he’ll die from it. Now you have no friends.” A-1 parenting there, Stannis.

Brienne sands her upper arm off in a steam bath when Jaime is brought in. Nudity! Bathing is private! Le scandale! Jaime isn’t interested, Brienne, so relax. He slips in the water looking like utter shite. He wants her to keep him from fainting and drowning, then twitters her about Renly, pissing her right the hell off. She bows up and flexes over him (nice booty, Brienne!) and he apologizes. Graciously. She sinks back into the water for story hour, because he trusts her enough to tell her the real story of how he became the Kingslayer.

The Tale of The Kinglsayer

Once upon a time there was a Mad King with a penchant for burning things. Especially living things. Particularly the living things that defied him. Oh, how he delighted in the bubbling of their flesh and their cries. Delicious. Jaime was his Kingsguard, his right-hand man, and he didn’t like that, not one little bit.

One day, Jaime’s father Tywin Lannister came knocking on the castle gates wanting to come in and be friends, while a huge army stood behind Tywin, trying to look innocent. Jaime told the Mad King that his father had a crocodile’s smile and couldn’t be trusted, but the Mad King believed a sunken grey cunt of a Grand Maester, and flung the doors open, for the Mad King had a back-up plan, you see: he had laid caches of Wildfire throughout the city, hoping to have a chance to play with fire once again. 

Thrice did Jaime beg the King to surrender to the army marching on them, and thrice did the King say “Nyet.” Only when the Mad King instructed his pyromancer to burn them, burn them all, including the citizens of King’s Landing down to the smallest suckling babe did Jaime act. He stabbed the King and slit his throat to make sure he would never return.

And Ned Stark came upon Jaime standing over his dead king, not bothering to learn why the Mad King was called thusly, which was most unfair, as what right does the wolf have to judge the lion? But he did, and Jaime is forevermore called the Kinglasyer. The Oathbreaker. The Dirty Rotten Sister Fucker. The end.

Brienne is shocked on his behalf, because she believes in justice, and Jaime has been treated unfairly. Yep! Jaime faints, she grabs him up, and shrieks for help for “The Kingslayer.” Jaime rolls his eyes at her, because did she not just listen? “Jaime. My name is Jaime.” And seriously, I love these two.

Not the picture of health, is Jaime Lannister.

Not the picture of health, is Jaime Lannister.

Shireen slips away to the dungeons to see her BFF Ser Davos and so begins their clandestine sessions of getting him Hooked on Phonics. (Aww, she’s a sweet, scaly thing.)

Speaking of scales, Dany and her Dragons (and all of the Unsullied, etc.) are still on the move when we’re treated to the sight of Jorah on a horse, talking in his sexy voice (birds fall out of the sky laying eggs, small creatures that live in the brush show their bellies to him as they pass). He and Selmy trade war stories, getting to know each other.

Dany has asked the Unsullied to vote on their own NCOs and a general. She asks the new General’s name, and he tells her Grey Worm. That’s…hmm. Wouldn’t you all like to choose your own names? Go back to your original pre-slave name? Pick a name that gives you pride, she says.

Grey Worm looks upon his Khaleesi and says that his name is the one he had when he was made a free man by her. Nothing could be better. She looks befuddled by the devotion already being shown to her, but woman, you should be used to that from Jorah! Speaking of, Selmy hints pretty strongly that Jorah needs to stay out of her way, seeing as he was once a traitor and doesn’t have a good rep. After all, doesn’t he want her—YES!—uh, to succeed? Oh. Yes, that, too. By the way, Selmy? Jorah listens to his Khaleesi, not the other traitor who’s only been around for a few days, so…

Robb—with his travel Westeros War Set—is pissed that the Karstarks left. Even though he knew they would. WHAT DO TALISA WHAT DO? We can’t beat them, he grumps. Wait. Wait a damn minute. He looks at his travel set upside down and realizes that if he attacks Casterly Rock, he can take their home away from them. Home for a home, asswipes! So he’s going to need more men, and hey there, did he ever douche himself, because the only person with enough men to share is Argus Filch-Frey, whose daughter Robb didn’t marry. Um, Talisa? How do you feel about Sister Wives?

Sansa watches her Sassy Gay Boyfriend swing his sword (the actual one), dreaming of holding his hand, picking out color swatches, and buying new china. (It’s so nice to meet a man who really enjoys those things! And spa treatments! He’s so masculine, even when he’s showing her the art of flower arranging.) Hot Squire runs up to help Loras and is all “Red-carnation, hey?” and Loras goes, “Wink a doodle, how about a private sword fight?” Cut to naked romp, oho! Also: Olyver (the Hot Squire) has an outstanding ass. He has an outstanding lots of things.

I'm just saying. If I was Sansa, I'd put a comfy chair in the room.

I’m just saying. If I was Sansa, I’d put a comfy chair in the room.

He’s also a little shifty, and that’s because he’s actually a spy for Baelish. Now Baelish knows that Sansa is being groomed to marry Loras. Littlefinger (“Okay, it’s little. I admit it. Are you all happy? Why do you think I’m so pissy all the time?”) tries to convince Sansa to come away with him right then, is all Creepy Uncle with her, but she is not looking at her life nor her choices and doesn’t realize how creepy he is. Even with a gross hand kiss. She worries for him, he might get in trouble if he helps her! So she’ll just stick around, thanks. Uh huh. (Gurl, we’ve all fallen for a beautiful gay man. The trick is to not marry them.)

Don’t worry—she won’t.

Tywin has evidently called a meeting with his children. Tyrion shows up late, but! He has excellent news. He’s saving the crown money—

Tywin: No one cares.
Tyrion: But! Savings? I’m doing my job? The one you didn’t think I could do?
Tywin: There are more important things to discuss. Sansa is being married to Loras. I don’t like it.
Tyrion: Oh? That’s nice, though. She’s a nice girl. I don’t see why she shouldn’t.
Tywin: Because you are.
Cersei: [smirks gleefully]
Tyrion: [spluttering] But that is beyond cruel! To her!
Cersei: We know! [giggles]
Tywin: Not so fast, blondie. You’ll marry Loras instead.
Cersei: HOW MANY MEN ARE YOU GOING TO MARRY ME TO?
Tywin: [coldly] As many as it takes. You two wanted a reward? Recognition? Well there you go.

Tywin leaves as Tyrion and Cersei try and figure out where the floor went from under them. Tywin is a canny, slimy mother trucker, isn’t he?

Interesting bit of meta: over the end credits was Shireen singing a song about “the shadows came to dance,” which is a strange song choice for a daughter of a Lord of Light practitioner, since the night is dark and full of terrors. Isn’t the Lord of Light the darkness banisher? Also, it’s interesting that one of Stannis’ children is singing about living shadows, seeing as Fire Crotch Mage gave birth to a child of shadows. And the three dead babies of Selyne and Stannis continually cast their shadow on Selyne’s quarters.

LAYERS, GUYS. I like it.  [Edited to add: seriously?  No South Park fans?  Four asses? Because “Elephant Makes Love To A Pig” is awesome.  See?]

Next episode right here!

Please like & share:
  • Katy

    Dear lord, if Iain Glen isn’t doing audiobooks, he should. I would listen the hell out of those, no matter what the subject.

    Also EWWWWWWWWWWW. Those babies in jars reminded me a lot of the X-Files episode “Deep Throat” where Scully encounters something similar.

    Hubby and I were debating whether or not they’d leave out the Sansa marrying Tyrion plot line when we got to her scene with Littlefinger. He had to eat crow when we got to the end scene. *smirks*

    GRRM is one of the writers for the next episode. He wrote last season’s “Blackwater” which makes me wonder what things are happening with so many episodes still left in this season. Being a book reader it makes me both wary and intrigued on how the showrunners are going to handle certain material.

    • IAIN GLEN SHOULD DO ALL OF THE AUDIOBOOKS. I would listen to him read his to do list. (Especially if I was on it, HEY NOW.)

      Those babies reminded me of The Walking Dead and the heads in fish tanks. THINGS BE CRAY IN DRAGONSTONE. (Clearly I need to go back and re-watch the XFiles, because there is so much I can’t remember! I’m a bad fangirl.)

      I am SO GLAD I wasn’t spoiled for Sansa being forced to marry Tyrion (or vice versa.) But since it hasn’t HAPPENED YET, let’s leave it to the possibly going to happen category, because we don’t know what will happen! Maybe Shae and Tyrion will run away to live in the South, who knows? ;)

      So far I’ve enjoyed the episodes that GRRM has had a direct hand in writing, so I have high hopes for next week. And I haven’t seen the promo yet – my recording cut off! GAH, is it Sunday yet?

      • Katy

        yes, Tryion and Shae run off and have many many babies together. (I should remember to be more careful!)

        I can’t remember if that’s the right episode of the X-Files, I just remember that image, it’s a powerful one.

        I know any ep, GRRM writes will be good. It’s just Blackwater was a seminal episode and it makes me wonder which big plot line he’ll be writing about this season.

        • (You are fine! I was just making sure we stayed fine! <3)

          Blackwater was absolutely OUTSTANDING on every single level. I'd be hard-pressed to come up with an episode from any season that could top it - the writing, directing, pacing, acting were all top notch. So far this show hasn't let me down, and it looks like it won't next week, either.

  • Jackie

    Arya broke me this episode. “I can be your family!” “No, you can’t, because you’re highborn”
    ALL THE FEELS

    • OH MY GOSH, I JUST LOVE HER. She’s the cutest little tomboy in all the land, and she’s so LONELY. She had Gendry as a stand in for her brothers, and now she won’t. She’s probably closer to Gendry than she’s ever been with Jon or Robb, honestly. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! D: She just doesn’t think in those terms of class.

      • Jackie

        That scene evoked a ridiculous amount of emotion in me, probably because Joe Dempsie (the actor) looks A LOT like someone I loved, only our parting was more on the furious, screaming (well, via text…mine is a shallow generation) side.

  • Sally R

    Can we have Brienne and Jaime bathing all the time?

    • WHERE IS THE PETITION YOU NEED ME TO SIGN? *clicks pen*

  • Gwendolyn

    Yay! I love your recaps!
    You especially got me this time with “She’s just a little girl, living in a lonely world, she took the Black Watch train going a-nee-where…”

    Man, that ending. Jaime fainting into Brienne’s arms just made me all shivery. I am really enjoying the relationship between the two of them – it is perfectly realized (I’ve read the books – and I am so pleased they are handling these interactions well).

    • I’m so glad you laughed! JOURNEY LYRICS. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for feeding you that ear worm. :)

      I just love how naturally the relationship between Brienne and Jaime is coming about. It makes sense, it doesn’t read as forced for the sake of story, and the actors just work so wonderfully together. You can tell they really trust one another, and it translates beautifully on screen. I seriously would watch a spin-off show with the two of them. I have no idea what it would be about, but I wouldn’t care.

  • Maxwell James

    It says a lot about this show that it opened with the most knock-down intense, smoke-belching flaming bastard of a swordfight that they’ve yet had, but all anyone wants to talk about are the bath scenes.

    Which were of course amazing, as was pretty much every other scene in this terrific episode. Bravo!

    • I totally watched the sword fight a few times (and made lightsaber VWOO VWOO noises until my husband hit me with a pillow) – the stress and claustrophobia in that cave was outstanding. I loved the whole episode, without question. And while I enjoyed the bath scenes, I think the moment with the Lannisters at the end is tied with the one-two-three punch of Loras, Olyver and Baelish as my personal favorite moments.

      I love that I’ve been cheering on the Tyrells for being so canny, and then Tywin comes in with one fell swoop and undoes everything. (And Stannis’ wife was a deliciously creepy – and horribly sad – moment, too.)

  • Athena

    You know when Selmy asked Jorah if he believed in Daenerys the question in my opinion was if Jorah loved her/was in love with her which is why he said with all of his heart.

    • I said out loud, “With all my heart” and then JORAH SAID IT and in that moment, I was a prophetess. [lol] Or possibly just aware of how in love with her Jorah is. Or you know, we’ve been paying attention. HE SO LOVES HER. <3

  • Athena

    With the episode being titled Kissed by fire I thought Jon and Ygritte would be the main focus but I was dissapointed we didn’t see more of them in this eppy, hopefully more to come in the next with more sexy time.

    • I am going to need Ygritte to come up with a nickname for Jon before we have a long episode with her. I like the character, don’t get me wrong, but there are only so many times that I can hear “Jon Snow” before I want to stab my ears.

      (But we had The Hound, who was kissed by fire! The Mad King who also was! Danaerys! Stannis by the Fire Woman! Oh, the layers, they please me so.)

  • I’ve heard stories about Hoarders and I wouldn’t be surprised if preserved babies showed up. aw man.

    Shireen for queen! it was hilarious to see Stannis trying to process a hug.

    “while a huge army stood behind Tywin, trying to look innocent”
    haha oh my gosh I chuckled at this line.

    I cracked up a little when Robb said, “You were right” to Talisa because all Talisa did was agree with his mother.

    Roose Trollton messing with Jaime’s mind was excellent. I like when they add in comedy moments like this .

    • I’m glad to hear you laughed at that line – I sort of want to have a Tale of ____ with every review. I write them thinking of them being said in a ridiculously high-pitched British voice. Robb seemed awfully happy to be wrong about his decision. UM, ROBB? I AM CONFUSED.

  • Brittany

    Whenever you reach for meeeeeee, I’ll do all that I caaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!! Yeah, ended up sining Celine the whole way through.

    P.S. Can I just say how much I appreciate the fine male posteriors that get flashed on this show?

    P.P.S. Can I also say just how much I appreciate everything that you choose to be?

    • I hope you pounded your breastplate as you sang Celine – it’s the only way.

      (GORL, THERE WAS SOME FINE-ASS BOOTY THIS EPISODE. Also: if i had a magic wish, I WOULD SHARE IT WITH YOU. As long as it involved the two of us hooking up with some Game of Thrones man booty. DON’T MAKE THIS WEIRD.)

      <3

  • Elsweyr

    I agree with the above posts about Arya – that heartbreaking line about “I can be your family” was said in a tone of voice that just grabbed all the feels I possess and jumped up on down on them.

    Also, more Brienne caboose please.

    • Golly, Brienne is freaking gorgeous. Which is funny, because she’s supposed to be hideous in the books, from what I understand? Missed it on that one, in my opinion!

      Oh, ARYA. I don’t know which hurt more, the wish to bring Ned back or her heartbreak over losing Gendry. *sobs*

  • Aaron L

    SNOOOOOOOW say can you see By the caves early light………
    And Jon Snow’s rockets red glare, Ygritte’s bombs bursting in air!!!!! CHICKY BOW WOW….

    Dr. Moreau! HAHA!!

    Last week “Ode to Varys” This week “The Tale of The Kingslayer” I Love it :)

    Great scenes between Jaime and Brienne once again, and of course Olenna. And yes, Tywins all that and more.

    Layers upon layers upon layers…. It wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without them :-D

    • I hope you know that the original caption for that picture was “THE BOMBS BUUUUUUUUUUUUURSTING IN AIR!”

      OMG, thank you for getting the Dr. Moreau joke. I know I’m out there some weeks, but it’s so great when someone knows what the hell my spastic brain churns up. LOL. I just…. how is this show getting better and more engaging EVERY SINGLE WEEK? It doesn’t feel like too much, it doesn’t feel difficult to keep up with all of the new characters and stories – it’s just freaking brilliant.

  • Aaron L

    Great minds think alike, or spastic ones for that matter ;)

    I didn’t mention Arya either… Maisie Williams has probably been the best casting for all the characters from book to show IMO. The emotions she shows in all the right moments and at all the right times is perfect, you cant teach that. She is THE Arya in my mind from reading…..

    Half way done with the season. WTF are we going to do when its done!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!

    • Oh my gosh, I adore Maisie Williams. (That gif set f her rocking some dance moves made me want to steal her away and make her my daughter.) She’s wonderful – I really believe her when she feels something, and that’s usually a challenge for a lot of child actors.

      HOW ARE THERE ONLY FIVE LEFT?! WHAT CONGRESSPERSON DO I NEED TO BADGER TO GET MORE?

    • Beth

      I completely agree about Arya. She is the embodiment of that character. Tyrion is a close second, save the mis-matched eyes. He delivers the dialog exactly as it was written, in my head anyway.

  • Scott

    Laura – just started reading your recaps last week (got linked here by someone on winteriscoming.com), and you instantly became a weekly must-read. And now I know why I related to you so quickly….SHARED HISTORY OF SOUTHERN BAPTIST LOCK INS.
    :-)
    Keep up the great work!

    • Aww, that’s so great to hear, thank you!

      I’M JUST SAYING, SALTY CHIPS, OFF-BRAND SODA, AND FLAMING HELL TALK = the joy of a lock in. (And I was raised Mormon! I just had a lot of Baptist friends worried for my everlasting soul, so they’d bring me along. :D) Good times!

      • Scott

        Oh, don’t worry. I was raised Baptist, and I’m pretty sure most of the people I was raised with are worried about my everlasting soul, too. :-)

        RC Cola forever.

        • oh man, you were lucky enough to get RC Cola? We had the brown cans that read “COLA” on them. (Except I won’t lie. I still get a hankering for a black cherry Shasta when it’s hot out.) :D

  • Colleen

    “We don’t hoard babies, Selyse. No. ” Ok, so I’m at work, and I totally burst out with loud, inappropriate laughter when I read that! Laura, you definitely have the funniest recap on the internet!

    Aww Arya, all the feels. She and Gendry are so OTP. She is the most adorable little psychopath.

    Thanks again for the great recap, I look forward to these every week!

    • I think someone needs to get a spray bottle and get Selyse in the face while saying, “NO NO NO” and pointing at the jar babies. HOW ELSE WILL SHE LEARN?!

      I love Arya and Gendry, toooooo. I don’t know if I love them as a brotp or if I want them to be in love in five years and make stupidly attractive babies. DADDY WOULD MAKE THEM SWORDS AND MOMMY WOULD SHOW THEM HOW TO STAB, AWWW!

      Thank YOU for coming back every week! I’m so glad I can make you laugh!

      • Colleen

        Yup, just got busted by the boss for laughing at the spray bottle comment. LOL Have a great week!

  • cowsharky

    Everyone else said pretty much what I thought about this awesome ep and your awesome recap, so I’ll just add this: after watching the Vikings finale it really lifted my heart to see sweet Shireen. If she were my daughter I wouldn’t hide her in a dungeon, I’d be all over Facebook like “MY HONOR STUDENT TEACHES PEOPLE TO READ. FOR FUNZIES.” (mic drop). Love that kid.

    • Oh, is she on Vikings? That’s awesome! She is a cutie pie, agreed. And lol at “My child is an honor student at Dragonstone Dungeon Academy.” :D

      • cowsharky

        The actress who plays Shireen isn’t on Vikings. I was referring to the fact that Vikings has a little girl character who’s also as sweet. You’ll see when the Vikings recap goes up, I imagine.

  • Rena

    I don’t have HBO and have to wait for the eps to be released on DVD, so I am watching them through you. YOU ARE MY LIFELINE AND OMFG YOU MAKE ME JUST ABOUT PISS MYSELF LAUGHING. Every recap I read I never want to end. Thank you thank you thank you

    • RENA: allow me to offer my condolences for your lack of HBO and your subsequent (and no doubt painful) wait. Having said that, I am VERY HAPPY to provide you with the recaps and the laughs! <3 Thank you so much!

  • Gail

    You know, as much as I am jealous of non-book readers for experiencing the last episode without knowing just how much of a badass Dany’s become, I really really enjoy seeing their reactions, so I guess it balances out. My husband’s commentary cracked me up during this episode, so I’ll include a couple of gems:

    While Qyburn is uh, “helping” Jaime: Uh, he looks a liiiittle too into that.

    His reaction to Beric’s resurrection: So, there are the Undead Ice things up north, and the Flaming Sword Guy Who Won’t Stay Dead down south. They need to meet and have a creepy battle.

    At the end: The best part of that scene was watching Cersei have this Smirk to End All Smirks but then it just SLID OFF HER FACE.

    Oh, honey. xD

    Also, this episode’s parade of butts made me extreeeemely happy, I gotta say. And hey, a dick that doesn’t belong to Theon! (Hub said, “I thought we’d might see it again, maybe from the front if he’s tied to that tortury X thing, but I guess they wanted to give that storyline a rest.”)

    • Hahahaha, your husband is a riot! The Parade Of Posteriors was indeed a delight, but Cersei’s comeuppance was one of the BEST moments of the show. (And I really ache for her, because she’s every bit a pawn in her father’s game as Tyrion. She’s no different, and OH how that rankles!)

  • Laura Rezko

    No more Gendry and Arya? Wahhhh. I like their relationship, but would be totally on board with them hooking up later(many, many years later). Also, if this is the last of Gendry we’ll be seeing for a while, couldn’t he have taken his shirt off for us?

    It appears Jon Snow does know some things. And really, couldn’t we all use a little bit of Podrick in us? Hey-O, double entendre!

    Hooray for more Jaime and Brienne- and their beautiful bums! Maybe this show can be called Game of Bums! BUT WHOSE BUM WOULD WIN???? Anyways… I love having the story behind his Kingslayer title. Character layers are always good.

    I’d show MY belly to Ser Jorah, heh heh heh. Okay, that was weird. But seriously, his voice.

    That end scene with Tywin, Tyrion, and Cersei? Amazing! Tyrion’s realization, Cersei’s gleeful smirk and the moment it was wiped off her face, and Tywin being a brilliant asshole- what great acting!

    I saw in next week’s preview that there’s a scene between Varys and Littlefinger. That got me thinking about Varys’ revenge speech. How would Littlefinger have reacted in that scene. Would he have been like, “Oh, shiiiittt?” Or, “I see your mage-in-a-box and raise you a _________”? And how would Lady Olenna have reacted?

    • I can’t imagine that this is the end of Gendry – he’s going to appear again, if only because he’s technically the true heir to the throne right now. BUT YEAH, SHIRT ON, GENDRY? Not cool, bro.

      I think in a match of wits and coldness, Varys would win, but by a hair. I think ultimately Baelish is too interesting in getting ahead, always looking for what he can get when Varys is always looking for what he can KNOW. (And as he said to Tyrion, words/secrets are far more powerful.) but OH, what a glorious fight THAT would be!!

  • Beth

    Insider tip: Selyse’s jar babies are a cross-over from the governor’s zombie heads in The Walking Dead. It’s like when The Amazing Spiderman fought Superman in “The Battle of The Century”, only Lex Luthor is Stannis and Selyse is locked in a fucking tower with dead babies.