Previously! This week: Theon Greyjoy would just really like to take a nap, the Wildling’s Warg has a serious case of the fedora-wearing Nice Guys, and did that muh fuh seriously just insult the Mother of Dragons…on Mother’s Day?
(I tried to get an interview with the bear featured in this episode, but they told me no, he’s a live bear and would literally rip my face off. So, thanks for making me look stupid, bear. What a jerk.)
Our Wildling group (including all of the folks that didn’t get knocked off during the avalanche) is finally on the greener side of The Wall, ready to make the long trek to Castle Black, which is about a week away. Jon tells Ygritte that the long hike would be so much better if they had R. Lee Ermey calling everyone Maggot, but rhythmically, when she points out how very stupid that is. Boys holding flags? Drums? Fifes? It’d be better if they were holding an ax. Also, way to tell the enemy you’re on the way!
Jon can do some seriously droll “you fucking kidding me?” face, and reminds her of Mance’s “Biggest Fire The Seven Kingdoms Have Ever Seen” thereby trumping Gondor’s signal fires of “Holy Shit We Need Help!” She slinks off, leaving Jon ripe for a scowling from the Warg, who is just never going to like Pretty Boy Bastard. Why? Because he thinks Jon is the kind of man that does things only when it suits him, like banging that hot ginger piece and helping the Wildlings. But he doesn’t think it will last.
Jon narrows his eyes – he’s dirty and swarthy enough now that it actually carries weight – and bides his time.
Robb and his small council gripe about the rain keeping them from getting to Frey’s place. Blackfish isn’t too interested in chilling with that wet shit, Edmure is totally cool with them taking the scenic route to his forced marriage to Gimp Gorilla Girl, and Cate wants to remind everyone that this is all Robb’s (read: Talisa’s) fault.
Robb kicks them all out because it’s time for Game of Bones, chicky bow wow! He gives Talisa the royale with cheese, then leaves her to write letters naked while he gets back to war-planning. But damn, she is seriously attractive (she has perfect skin, good lord) and needs to get another taste of that hot wife action. She demures for a moment, shows a pair of baby booties she’s knitting, and he gets excited when she asks him how he feels about buns in her Queenly Oven. Robb’s instantly ready for round two. Mm, making heirs gets him hot.
Speaking of, Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter gives Jon a little Sex-Having 101:
- Don’t fuck your backpack – ladies are better. They make noises.
- Get them wet; lakes are good for this, but any lubricant is fine.
- Slip it in nice and slow. This keeps you from popping off too fast.
- Act like you care about what her name is,and always give a fake number.
We learn why Ygritte is so keen on Jon instead of any other Wildlings when the Warg corners her.
Warg: What, you like him because he’s pretty?
Ygritte: …yeah, it helps.
Warg: Because he was raised well and is smart?
Warg: Because he’s clean? He even scrubs between his legs?
Ygritte: Definitely a selling a point.
Warg: Well, I’d tell you how fierce a warrior you were when I’d do you from behind. I wouldn’t touch my backpack all day before I touched you.
Ygritte: You know how to do that mouth to lady-mouth thing?
Ygritte: LATER, BONER.
The Warg watches her run off to get some head from Jon Snow and seethes, “You’ll see. You’ll all see.”
Sansa and Margaery take a stroll as Sansa informs Margaery of the new plan to have her marry Tyrion instead of Loras. “I’m stupid. I’m a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns.” Oh, honey, you were just really sheltered. We’re about to find out just how sheltered you were.
She’s horrified at the thought of getting sexy with a dwarf. (I would like to interject here and say that Peter Dinklage is one sexy mother fucker. Carry on with the recap.) Margaery tries to explain that Tyrion’s known for having…experience. And since most men can’t seem to find the clitoris (GUYS: IT IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) Sansa might find that hooking up with a playa works in her favor.
Sansa: How do you know all of this? Your mother?
Margaery: [thinks back to her sex-training slave and all of the languid, sun-drenched afternoons spent on silken poufs, fingers and mouths in new and exciting places] Mm, yes. She had me call her “Mommy” once…
[I assume that how Dany learned to please Khal Drogo is typical for highborn ladies? Let me dream, okay?]
Tyrion complains to Bronn about having to marry what he sees is a child. Bronn reminds him that “Old enough to pee, old enough for me!” Tyrion shakes that off with worries about how Shae is going to take this.
What, you mean your whore? Yeah, she’ll be broken-hearted. Entire whorehouses filled with broken-hearted hookers, actually. Sort of their stock in trade, in a manner of speaking. Pimps see that as job security. Marry Sansa, fuck your whore, the world’s your oyster, my man.
THE SCENE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL SEASON IS NOW. Holy smokes, Joffrey “King Weaselteat” is sprawled on the Sword Throne (how boring, you know?) waiting for his grandfather Tywin to come speak to him. And in a show of ultimate power, Tywin takes a few steps into the chamber, the Kingsguard (not the Hand Guard) stop and don’t accompany him the rest of the way in.
That, my friends, is one powerful dude.
Joffrey tries to bitch and posture about how inconvenient his Gee-Pop-Pop is making his life with all the stairs to climb and meetings to attend when Tywin is all, OH, YOU DON’T LIKE STAIRS? as he slowly and menacingly stomps up the steps to the throne. “We could have you carried, you giant, weaselteat of a baby.”
EXCEPT. Oh my gosh, I was so excited by this moment, because Joffrey showed actual intelligence! Cunning, even! He took it upon himself to learn about Daenerys and her dragons, and wants to be counselled on what to do about them. Because he realizes that she is an actual threat. Tywin brushes this off, because he isn’t concerned, ergo, Joffrey shouldn’t be, either.
This doesn’t sit well with King Weaselteat, but he’s so untrained, uneducated in the ways of real power that he doesn’t know how to get what he wants. And Tywin freaking knows it, smirking as he walks away. I LOVE THIS SHOW, YOU GUYS, I LOVE IT SO MUH-HUH-HUH-HUCH,
Dany and Jorah look down on a new city, Yunkai. (On the opening map, it looks very similar to Astapor, down to the Oracle? Phoenix? Lady Griffon? on the highest tower.) It’s a city for “bed slaves” and it’s not strategically important, Jorah explains. Dany’s stuck on the word “slave” and since she likes being able to look into a mirror at night, she’s going to see what she can do here. Grey Worm is sent to tell the Slave Masters that they can surrender to her in person. Ha.
One such emissary comes to see her, Razdal mo Eraz. (Awesome moment: he tries to get close to Dany and her dragons – draped about the tent like peacocks, fire-breathing peacocks – hiss at him.) He’s got gifts of gold and ships for the Khaleesi, and all he asks in return is for her to bug out. Yeah, not happening. Oh? Well he and Yunkai have powerful friends, and they’re not going to just roll over, thanks.
Really? She’s all, “All UR slaves R belonging to us” and how about I give you the gift of not horribly murdering you with dragon fire? Because you just insulted me, in my own tent, in front of my children. Get out and spread the word.
Things I like here: that the dragons can read their Mommy’s mood/mind/whatever mystical connection they have that has them doing her bidding. I want a dragon! (If any of y’all are Metalocalypse fans, every time they show the dragons, I slip into Skwisgaar-voice “FIND ME A DRAGON.”)
Jorah needs to do some digging and find out who the Yunkai’s powerful buddies are. Dany? YOU ARE MY QUEEN, KHALEESI.
Shae gives Tyrion the “you’re a lousy boyfriend” treatment, not happy with the gold necklace he presents her. Look, his dad is making him do this, okay? “Your father does not rule the world,” she says. Um, he kind of does, currently. So why doesn’t he run away with her, she wonders? They could make their way south, do a little Punch & Judy for coppers…
Uh, he’s a Lannister of Casterly Rock. He can’t leave. But he can put her up in a nice penthouse suite, Julia Roberts her in a hotel? She is so miserable about her options. Being a sex worker blows. Not even Tyrion singing “Lady…. I’m your knight in shining armor, and I love you. You have made me what I am and… I am yours!” Gorl, that was romantic, okay? But yeah. Not being legitimized would suck.
Fire Crotch Mage takes Gendry over Blackwater Bay, and this is such a gorgeous shot – you can see all of the sunken ships, destroyed by Wildfire. When he complains about being back and being nothing but a poor kid from Flea Bottom, she decides it’s time for him to learn the truth.
The Tale of Lady Melisandre and how she became Fire Crotch Mage
Once upon a time there was a slave who had a daughter born with fire in her hair. She had fire put to her skin in the form of a brand, but the fire in her eyes never died, no matter how cruel her masters were.
One day someone handed her a pamphlet that read “Have you ever wondered where you’re going? Where you’re from? Come to a meeting this Sunday and learn how the Lord of Light can break your shackles and make you free! Well, free to do as He chooses.”
And she did, and now she counsels Kings and gives birth to shadow babies, the end.
She tells Gendry that he’s not a bastard. Everyone on the ship pops up and asks if she was just talking about Jon Snow.
Sailor 1: Ned Stark’s bastard?
Sailor 2: Aye, the only bastard in all of Westeros.
Gendry: Nope, uh, bastard here, too.
(Somewhere Jon feels jealous, the likes he only had when Robb was given favor, and doesn’t know why.)
Melisandre shakes her head and explains that his father is actually Robert Baratheon. He has a king’s blood in his veins. And…she wants that blood. He should be concerned by all this talk about blood and power, me thinks.
Arya sits sulking in the Cave of Wonders And Also Smelly Pirate Thieves. No matter how much Beric tries to explain why it was okay for him to sell Gendry, she won’t hear of it. Their God isn’t an Awesome God, he’s stupid and dumb and she hates his FACE. The only God she believes in is Death. (Girl is hard as nails.)
Sassy Archer runs in with news of a Lannister raiding party, and all of the Smelly Pirate Thieves get excited, because there’s nothing they love more than looting some rich bastards. But they promised to send Arya to Riverrun?! She has HAD IT with stupid boys. She takes off running into the night and is almost immediately caught by The Hound. JFC, child. Out of the frying pan into the fire. Sorry, Clegane, I know how scared you are of fire.
Brienne sulks in her dress when Jaime comes to bid her farewell. He also wants to talk about the debt he owes her, but because Brienne is better than us all, she says that if he gets the Stark girls back to their mother, he can consider the debt paid.
There is not much better than watching Jaime realize how amazing Brienne is all over again. She’s singlehandedly restoring his faith in honor, and it’s a thing of beauty to behold. (And she falls a little in love with him for seeing him become so honorable all over again, I think.)
As Jaime leaves the next morning, Locke (hand chopper) sneers and smirks and is basically disgusting, hinting that he’ll take “good care” of Brienne while Jaime is away. He is awful, and I want him and Weaselteat to be thrown in a pit with hungry dragons.
Theon is untied from his Torture X by two hot babes. Why, they’re sexy nurses, come to soothe and cure him of that pesky soft-cockitis plaguing him. He just wants out of that room, ladies, and while it’s nice to give him a hand and a half – oh, to each other now, eh? Maybe I can stick around for a little bit, if you’re going to kiss her so sweetly. Hey, I am totally on board with a dry hump threeway, thank you for aski–
Fucking Maybe-A-Karstark and his stupid-ass bugle of coitus interruptus! (And he totally looks like Sean Astin, right?) He’s all, “How do you like my girls? We’ve all heard of your dick, and it’s so famous, I think I’d like to have it mounted. As in, cut off of you and mounted.” Jesus, this guy. I’m at the point now where I think he’s in love with Theon and he never learned how to properly pull pigtails. Also, WOW, DUDE. Cutting off Theon’s dick? We don’t know if he follows through yet, but still. I feel so badly for Theon, guys.
Ygritte shows Jon that she’s pretty handy with a bow and arrow, catching a nice deer for their supper. They pass a small mill and she acts like she’s been dropped in the middle of Times Square. Oh, country mouse, you’re so adorable. Jon thinks so, at least. He expects she’ll swoon-
You know, fainting?
“Nope, still not getting it.”
Um…when a girl sees blood and collapses–
“What the hell do you think we girls deal with every 28 days, Jon Snow? HINT: BLOOD. Girls see more blood than boys.” Ha. Also awesome: the land of Tralalalaladeeday.
(I love her. I also laugh whenever I hear dudebros talk about how girls can’t deal with blood. OH, WE CAN, WE JUST GET TIRED OF IT.)
They have to get serious for a moment, though. Because he really needs her to understand that the Wildlings won’t win. In a thousand years, they’ve tried six times, and in a thousand years not once has it worked. He knows. He wants her to know. And she panics, because they’re supposed to be out for each other, yeah? No matter which way this goes, he’s going to be with her, right? Because yes, they may die, but first they need to live. And by living she means deep soul kissing.
Hodor stares confused as everyone in Bran and Jojen’s camp bickers and argues. Tonks is not going anywhere but Castle Black, because she made a promise. Also, she’s never going over the Wall again. Never. She had a man, and he turned into a Fremen-eyed Zombie flesh eater, and that’s what happens to everyone over there. So. They’re sticking to the plan.
(Thought: if the Wight Walker/Walking Dead/Zombie whatever thing is a virus, is the Wall keeping it from spreading south? Sorry, Contagion is one of my favorite Tabletop games. I LIKE TO PLAN.)
Jaime gets Dr. Moreau to look at his lumpy stump (augh! Such amazing special effects) and hears Dr. Moreau’s tale of vivisection and “unnecessary surgeries” before creating a secret society specializing in Gozer worship. [You have my undying love if you get that.]
Jaime learns that no one is coming to help Brienne, because Locke doesn’t want gold – he wants a world of sapphires. SHIT. That’s Jaime’s fault. He convinces the man who is in charge of bringing him to King’s Landing to go back to Harrenhal. Because Brienne is his bro, and you never leave a man behind!
They arrive in Harrenhal, Jaime tells everyone to shut up so he can hear where they are, and races towards a pit where drunken men sing “Bear and a Maiden Fair” song (they need more musicians in Westeros, I think) as they WATCH BRIENNE IN A HOLE FIGHTING A GEE DEE GRIZZLY BEAR WHAT THE HELL??
Raise your hand if you thought Jaime was going to throw Locke down in there? Because I was waiting for it. So there’s Brienne with a flipping WOODEN SWORD and scratches on her neck from huge claws, when the bear knocks her to the ground. Jaime JUMPS IN TO PROTECT HER BECAUSE HE IS WONDERFUL.
The guy in charge of his travels shouts down, “Jaime, I know it sounds harsh, but God doesn’t want her to live.” And then shoots the bear with an arrow to distract it. Jaime shoves Brienne up the wall to safety, and as he’s being charged, JUMPS UP AND GRABS ONE-HANDED ONTO A POST and clings for dear life until Brienne can reach down and pull him up to safety, because they are the best and I love them, and I want them to get married on a mountaintop with fresh herbs and garlands of flowers and have a family band.
Locke tells Jaime that Brienne is staying for him to play with, and Jaime throws him over to the bear. YES HE DOES. Okay, he doesn’t, but he really should have. (And nice Skyrim bear sound effect, Show. I approve.) Jaime and Brienne do leave together, though, and she loves him that much more.
AS DO I. He’s gonna find his baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. Jaime’s motto’s always been when it’s right, it’s right, why wait for the middle of a cold dark night?
So next week looks like a doozy, and all I can think of is: TYRION THREATENS WEASELTEAT! Also, GENDY IS SHIRTLESS AND TIED UP. Dear TV Gods: thank you.
So, I have noticed this season that the show feels far more organized as far as telling the story in a linear fashion. We have a scene that leads easily to one, then to the other (Gendry to Arya, for example) and it just feels tighter to me. They’ve figured out how to get the story beats out in a way that keeps me on my toes without ever feeling like it’s dragging. (Although I suspect that book readers might not feel that way, because they’re filling in blanks from the pages?)
Obligatory reminder: I am spoiler free, I have not read the books, PLEASE PLEASE do not fill me in on what’s to come or on things that you would only know from reading the books. Please. Be a lady, don’t be shady.