Game of Thrones 3.8 – Second Sons

Arya is waiting to smash in non-believers faces.

Arya is waiting to smash in non-believers faces.

Previously! This week…guys, I can’t even.  I have lost the ability to even with this show.  How does it get better every week?  If you were meh about this episode, then I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.  When you can say you’re sorry, I’ll forgive you.

Also, there was literal nail biting from me while watching, and it was mostly centered around what was going to happen to gloriously shirtless Gendry.

Arya, who is riding with the Hound (unwillingly), waits until she finds him asleep to grab a large rock, wanting to smash his face in and be free.  He doesn’t open his eyes as he says, “Tuco rule: smash, or don’t smash.  But if you try and fail, I’ll break your hands.”

“No!” she giggles nervously.  “This is a gift! For you?  Here.”

“It’s a big rock,” the Hound says. “I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.”

They ride on, and Arya gets a little lesson in the world not being black and white when the Hound explains that she’s lucky he found her.  (She is.)  When she asks if he’s taking her back to Joffrey, he says, “Fuck Joffrey!”  [Joffrey cries and whines, and doesn’t know why.] He’s taking her to her mother and brother at The Twins.  Oho, Arya.  See?  The Hound is actually an honorable man (in his own way). Just ask your sister.

Danaerys and her captains hide in the desert terrain, watching as some dudes on horseback ride up to Yunkai all loud and proud. It’s the fraternity Rho Hip Nol, a.k.a. “Second Sons.”  They’re dudebros for hire, and their President is the Titan’s Bastard, Mero. There’s about 2000 of them, which isn’t enough to defeat the Unsullied, but is enough to do some real damage to Dany’s troops.

Because Dany is incredibly smart, she sends Grey Worm to ask Mero and his bros to come talk to her, because they clearly want to be on the winning team, which is Team Dragon.  When they show up, they’re absolute douche canoes (minus hottie McHair Braid, Daario Naharis, and hel-lo, Bedroom Eyes), treating Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, like she’s a common tavern wench.

OH. NO. YOU. DI’INT.

They guy that likes hazing, the guy that likes to roofie chicks, and the guy that actually gets tail.

They guy that likes hazing, the guy that likes to roofie chicks, and the guy that actually gets tail.  I’m just saying, Daario can get it. *points to self*

But she’s far better at this game than they are. So she smiles, and she’s kind, and she notes that Perfect Mouth Daario seems to be the smart one of the group.  He points out that she exaggerated her numbers, and why on earth should they stick with her? She’s just a little girl with no ships or real money.

“A fortnight ago I had no army,” she replies. “A year ago I had no dragons.” And tomorrow I’ll have your dicks on swizzle sticks.  More wine? Cheese plate?

When they swagger off, leaving a poisoned cloud of Axe Body Spray in their wake, she tells Selmy to be sure and kill Mero first.  Yeah, he has no problem with that plan, M’Lady. Jorah is almost apoplectic with rage that they dared speak to his Khaleesi with such savage tongues.  (Jorah, I love you. My body is ready.)

Fire Crotch Mage and Gendry fast travel to the underground seaside war room of Stannis Baratheon (seriously, weren’t they just looking at King’s Landing? Now they’re back at Dragonstone? I’m confused.) so Stannis can look for any Baratheon in Gendry’s countenance.  Yeah, it’s there. Along with some lowborn whore. (Hey, easy! That’s his mom!)

Melisandre sends Gendry off to be bathed and soothed, which pisses Stannis off, because isn’t Gendry just going to be killed? [me: NOOOOO!] Yeah, Stannis, Mel’s got this, okay?  Just stand around and look sour.  This ain’t her first time at the innocent slaughter rodeo.

Don’t you dare, Mel!  DON’T YOU DARE KILL THAT BEAUTIFUL BASTARD. [No, Jon Snow, I don’t mean you.]

Davos continues to get hooked on phonics down in his prison cell, and it’s adorable when he figures out how to say a few difficult words (gh = f, yeah, that’s hard).  Newt was clearly a good teacher. [Mostly] Stannis shows up to see that he’s being treated well, drops the fact that Davos is to be freed, and gossips about his mistress, Fire Crotch Mage.  She picked up a little something in town for a shindig they’re having later.  It’s such a good night for sacrificing the bastard son of one’s dead brother, don’t you think?

No, Davos does not think that, because Davos is a good guy, okay?  And he knows Stannis used to be, too.  He’ll abide by the rule to never raise a hand to her, but he’s going to talk smack because that’s what good friends do when you’re making a mistake.  Stannis wants Davos to look him in the eye and say that he doesn’t see that Melisandre has actual power, that the Lord of Light doesn’t have actual power.  So what say you? Davos still thinks it’s murder, but that shadow baby thing was scary, so…

Mero is back at Rho Hip Nol House with his bros, a Tri-Delt (try Delts! Everyone else has!) on his lap smirking over how lucky she is (gross), as they talk shit about Dany, like how great it will be to rape her to death.  Aw, that must be what they’re doing this year as their service project.  (Gross.) Daario says he only fucks women who are willing (Oh, honey, I bet they all are. I JUST BET THEY ALL ARE.) and only kills men trying to kill him. He’s a simple man with simple needs.

Mero says that what they’ll do is slip into her camp tonight past everyone and kill her, then she won’t be a problem.  SURE. THAT SHOULD BE EASY. They draw straws coins to see who gets that shit detail, and it’s Daario. And let me reiterate that Daario can get. it.  [I live by the principle of “Treat Yo-self.”]

Sansa is being dressed – oh my god, for her wedding. It’s happening. Tyrion comes in, gets everyone to leave so he can try and be sweet to her, but let’s face it: no good girl from Winterfell ever dreamed of being married to the Half Man. When he tries to say they’re in the same boat, she catches him off guard by pointing out that no, they aren’t.  She’s a virgin who has been forced to married Joffrey, and now his uncle.  Her father was killed, she’s been a prisoner, abused and tormented by her former fiance, and oh, right.  She’s only fourteen.

Tyrion regroups quickly and promises that he would never hurt her.  And…maybe she should indulge in some wine tonight. He swears by that making things more bearable.

Margaery loops her arm through Cersei’s because they’re almost sisters! OMG BFF! Cersei pastes a smile on her face and tells her the story of the House of Reyne.

The Story of The House of Reyne

Once upon a time a few years ago, there was a family that was the second wealthiest family in the world, next to the Lannisters.

“This is before the Tyrells took that spot, dear,” Cersei interrupts herself to point out.

And they weren’t satisfied with being second place, oh no.  They wanted to be the wealthiest family in the history of Westeros.  Now, the Lannisters were old money, money passed from generation to generation, where the Reyne’s were a bunch of nuveau riche bastards with their souped up speed boats and Miss Me jeans and brass pissing cherub fountains, their money acquired from a surprisingly successful vending machine business coupled with snake breeding, but they were artless. Tacky. The Al Czerviks of Bushwood Country Club.  They were climbers, in other words, climbers wanting to be on the inside simply for the sake of being in.

But Tywin Lannister had his fill of their garish McMansions and Hummers, their hidden beer kegs in their golf bags, their obnoxious teenage children who didn’t know how to hold their liquor, and he laid waste to them.  In fact, not one member of the family survived.  No one carries their name anymore; every man, woman and child was put to death, their ridiculous homes razed,  their diamonds reset into more tasteful settings and sold off, their big screen televisions dumped into the river.

“If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”

"I don't have sisters. I have a brother-lover, thank you."

“I don’t have sisters. I have a brother-lover, thank you.”

Time for the wedding! Joffrey feels this is the perfect chance to remind everyone how awful he is by sashaying to Sansa and explaining that since her father is dead – by his command, did she remember that? – he’ll be the one to give her away, what with him being the “father of the realm,” and excuse me while I throw up.

It’s the most dour wedding ever. A small crowd is gathered, no one speaks, there is no music or fanfare, and Joffrey drags a stool away so the difference in Tyrion’s height and Sansa’s can’t be ignored because he’s a nasty little fucker.  The crowd titters when Tyrion can’t reach Sansa’s shoulders to “cloak her” – that is until Tywin gives the crowd the stinkeye.  Tyrion asks her to kneel so he can, and then the ceremony starts.

TO SANSA’S CREDIT: she does what is asked of her, and again, she’s fourteen. I know fourteen year old girls.  She’s a good one, the poor thing.

Fire Crotch Mage enters a fantasy-dressed bedroom.  Rich tapestries and silks adorn every surface, candles are burning brightly, and a Gendry is in there going commando in his breeches. Yep, bedroom fantasy.  I’m sorry, I was distracted. Melisandre gets him to drink some wine, puts some Teddy Pendergrast on the hi-fi, and leans in close to breathe into his ear, “You have a power in you that you don’t even know yet.  But I’m about to.” HEY-O!

Gendry looks gobsmacked and slightly confused because he’s never gotten any, is my guess (and what a pity!), when she rolls her eyes and says, “Blacksmith hammer? Thundercock? Look, us boning is all a part of the Lord of Light’s plan.”  Yeah, that’s a religion I could get behind, the one that encourages boning for a change.  He wants to sign up for Sexy Church, especially when she gets naked (good lord, she is perfect. PERFECT.) and starts dry humping him.

“I thought you were a priestess?” he asks, trying to not make this come…to an end too quickly.

She’s all, “Yep. Hey, everything is about to go to ruin; so we should get with the sexing. It’s for the good of the world.”

He’s thinking, “Wow, every guy has wanted to use that line, and she totally made it work.”

CAN WE JUST STOP THE SCENE HERE?

CAN WE JUST STOP THE SCENE HERE?

Gendry’s like: Boobies! which means he’s too distracted to realize that she’s not tying him down to the bed to be sexy, she’s tying him down so she can do awful, squirmy things to him, NOOOO!  Leeches!  Wait…that’s not as bad as I thought it would be.  Yeah, she puts one down his pants, but Stand By Me, come on.  Geordie made it out of there okay.

I did have a total “Khaaaaaan!” moment when I saw her pull those out, because things put in eyes or ears freak me the hell out, thanks for that Ricardo Montalban. Thankfully it was just some good ol’ fashioned leeching on the torso. I was expecting throats to be cut, quite honestly.

Stannis comes in and seems upset to see her naked.  Dude, you have got to get over thinking she’s your lady.  Davis follows him in and wow, this party just got weird. Mel pries the leeches off, collects them in a bowl,  and says they’re doing it this way because of Davos.  (My guess: the magic won’t be as strong because it’s just a little blood, not all of it.  But then, maybe the sexing in the beginning adds power? Who the hell knows with this Lord of Light. His rules seem to be pretty arbitrary based on the practitioner.)

Pouting, Stannis says the names of his three enemies – Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, Joffrey Baratheon – as Mel tosses the blood suckers onto the flames.  Nice shot of them bursting, all full of blood, Show.  Blech.

[I wonder if this means that those three will come down with a case of the sniffles instead of the killed’s because  of the small amount of powerful Kingly blood?  Time will tell…]

Drunken Revelry At The Saddest Wedding Reception Ever! Tyrion pours himself a Big Carl of wine as Sansa sits next to him, miserable. Olenna takes great pleasure in detailing the crazy family tree of the Lannisters and Tyrells once Joffrey and Margaery are married and Loras and Cersei are married.  Loras mumble-sings, “I am my own grandpa…”

Worst. Wedding. Ever.

Worst. Wedding. Ever.

Cersei tries to convince Joffrey to go talk to his fiance, but a Weaselteat’s gonna do what a Weaselteat wants to. Besides, he’s going to have to talk to her for the rest of his life. Tywin, meanwhile, tells Tyrion that he better not come down with a case of whiskey dick, because it’s expected that a new Lannister baby is made that night.

Tyrion laughs, because please!  This is like, his number one skill: drunken revelry.  “I’m the God of tits and wine, no worries.”  Somewhere Gendry cries softly because that’s the God he thought he was worshiping.

Loras tries to be a good guy and talk to Cersei, what with them having to marry soon and all, but she’s all “I HATE YOUR FACE. WHERE’S JAIME?!  I HATE EVERYTHING,” and walks off and Loras looks out across the water and misses Renly, because Renly liked his face and liked talking to Loras. :( Oh, honey, go find your hot squire and work it out. And send me a DVD of it.

Joffrey corners Sansa and tries to act like he has any game.  Let me just say this, Weaselteat: if you didn’t have guards, you wouldn’t get a bit of tail without paying for it.  And he knows this and even tells Sansa that when he stops by (no doubt Tyrion is going to pass out before sealing the deal) to have a little Prima Nocta, he’ll make sure his guards hold her down.

I HATE HIM, GUYS.  (In the way that makes it entertaining on my screen, I don’t want him to disappear.  Unless it’s to be Theon-tortured. I could get behind that.)

King Weaselteat then tells the room at large that it’s time for the “bedding ceremony” where everyone strips the bride and groom, then carries them to their room.  Fun!  Except for how that sounds totally awful.  And Tyrion isn’t that drunk, because he drives his knife into the table and tells Joffrey that if he so much as lays a finger on Sansa, Tyrion will cut his dick off and he’ll have to fuck Margaery with a wooden cock.

As far as threats go, that was a good one.

Joffrey trembles with ineffectual rage until Tywin snaps everyone out of this and sends Sansa and Tyrion on their way.  Tyrion plays the drunken “Oopsie!” card, but he really is totally drunk. He jokes about being a half man all the way down [“My penis…so small!”] and is hilarious. Sansa doesn’t quite agree.

Safe in their chamber, he tells her that he’s been commanded to consummate the marriage.  She nervously turns away and undoes her dress, leaving her in her undershift, but before she can bring herself to strip fully, he stops her.

“I won’t share your bed,” he says. “Not until you want me to.”

“What if I never want you to?”

Tyrion gulps, blinks, then says in an overly cheerful voice, “And so my Watch begins.”  Ha.  How can you not love this guy?  I get why Sansa doesn’t (and shouldn’t), but the audience better freaking love him. Sansa doesn’t know him. She only knows the stories about him and that she’s being forced to have sex with a man that frightens her. [Not to forget that when she first arrived in King’s Landing, her mother captured Tyrion and imprisoned him for shoving Bran out of the window.  Who knows if it’s been revealed to her that it was Jaime? So she might be thinking she’s marrying the man that crippled her little brother.]

Yeah, she shouldn’t be all eager here, weirdos online in forums that keep saying how grateful she should be.  Um, that’s gross, and you should rethink yourself.

An Unsullied makes his way through the dark camp while Dany takes a bath with her hot handmaiden, Missandie.  Okay, Handmaiden isn’t in the water with her, she’s doing the scrubbing.  At the sound of a gasp, Dany opens her eyes to find Daario – dressed as an Unsullied – with his knife to Missandie’s throat.

"Even now you find me hot; isn't that frustrating?"

“Even now you find me attractive; isn’t that frustrating, Khaleesi?”

He says he wants her, Dany.  Well, to serve her.  Why on earth should she believe him? Uh, that bag of Frat Bro heads should do some convincing, maybe?  He killed Mero and Haze Master.  When his Frat Bros said for him to go kill Dany,  he told Douche 1 and Douche 2 that he wouldn’t kill her (she wasn’t trying to kill him, rule #2 in his life’s creed). And when they drew their swords against him, he drew his.  Damn.  And now heads are rolling on her nice sisal carpet, and it’s not like blood is an easy stain to get out, guys. But yeah, nice gift?

He believes in choice, and he’s choosing to fight for her.  Okay, then! She gets out of the tub (rawr, Khaleesi!) and is clothed.  She makes him swear to fight for her, he does, and Jorah sobs brokenly in his sleep.  Seriously, who can’t this girl win to her side?  KHALEESI!

Sansa wakes up the next morning when Shae comes in.  We know there was no sex in that room last night, either by force (Joffrey) or by choice (Tyrion), because Shae collects the bridal sheets and they’re dry and blood-free.  GROSS.  Shae smiles at a hungover Tyrion, passed out on the chaise.

Gilly, Porkins, and little baby Appetizer continue trekking through the forest past a Wilford Brimley tree and towards a burned shack.  They’ll stay there for the night.  As he tries (and fails) to build a fire, a crow squawks when it lands on the Brimley tree.  Gilly takes over the fire building (whips a blaze right out) and they chat about names for the baby.

“Bruschetta? Prosciutto? Tamale? Morsel!”

Things we learn: Porkins really smarts about his cruel dad, still, and it’s a way for Gilly and him to bond.  Except she had the worst dad, let’s be honest.  More and more crows arrive until it sounds like the final ten minutes of a Hitchcock film.  Porkins goes to investigate and sees scores of crows now.  WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  (Aside from an evil portent.)

Then…the crowing stops.  Oh shit.  Something steps out of the dark in the woods, and it’s the Predefremen dude that locked eyes with him at the end of Season 2! And Porkins knows that the baby is the spice this Icy Fremen is after.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!  He followed you all the way from the land of the First Men!

AHHHHHHHHHHH! He followed you all the way from the land of the First Men!

Red Leader Porkins pulls his sword, because he has the heart of a lion when it comes to Gilly, but the White Walker guy grabs the sword and shatters it, throws him aside, and staggers towards baby Charcuterie, oh my gosh.

BUT HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE, PORKINS IS STAYING ON TARGET.  He pulls out that black charred spear tip from the First Men and jams it between the Walker’s shoulder blades and the guy screams, turns to ice, falls to the ground and shatters what what what?! HE IS AS SHOCKED AS I AM.

The crows caw again, Porkins grabs Gilly’s hand and they take off running into the night, the murder of crows taking flight after them, and my heart is pounding. SamwellwiseGamgeeBlackWatchPorkins, you did good, kid!

Note: He left the blade, didn’t he?  PORKINS!!!!! *shakes fist in a rage*

Next Week! Robb plans, Gjördkr plans, everyone plans. Except I’m thinking Jorah didn’t plan for Dany and Daario to be handfast, what is happening!?  (DO NOT TELL ME.) I AM A NON-READER, NO SPOILERS OH MY GOSH PLEASE.

And we have to wait until JUNE?  I plan on drinking heavily until then.

Things that made me happy: more talk about the different religions, more stuff about the White Walkers/Others/Shambling Ice Men, more sassy Cersei. Oh, she’s such a delightfully spiteful woman. Things I needed: a shirtless Jorah saying words in a sexy way because that’s just how he talks. AHHH. I LOVE THIS SHOW.

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  • Jackie

    Is it me, or did Sam totally not pick the dragonglass blade up before running away? He didn’t, right? FOOL. Also, the Queen of Thorns cracked me up with her untangling of the Tyrell-Lannister family tree. Poor Loras.

    • No, I don’t think he picked it up. I’ll have to watch again. GOOD REMINDER, I’M GOING TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

      (Oh, Loras. He will soon know a singular misery… Ha)

  • Katy

    If your body IS NOT ready for Ser Jorah, you’re wrong.

    So happy we’ve gotten to Daario and I’m not disappointed in his casting. (PS Dany’s handmaiden is Missandei.)

    There is a little something they deviated from in the book for the wedding. Normally I’m okay with what they’ve done, but here I’m a bit unhappy, but given what they’ve done with Sansa on the show, I can see why it was changed.

    Sam the Slayer! Hubby pointed out that the way the Walker died it was like dusting with ice. (Plus that’s what he’s called in the book. He does this earlier in the book than he did on the show.)

    • If having my body ready for Ser Jorah is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

      MISSANDEI. I knew it was close to Melisandre, but I was in a hurry to post and didn’t comb through my previous recaps. THANK YOU.

      Since i don’t know Book Sansa, I don’t know to not be happy about changes. (Man, am I glad I’m sticking to my guns and not reading yet…) I think people are really unhappy about what’s going on with Sansa, but for me, her behavior makes perfect sense and I totally feel for her. I can’t imagine how awful to be in this world where you have no agency as a woman (unless you’re Dany and have dragons to help you along) and I think we forget how YOUNG she is. (And how sheltered.)

      HA, IT WAS TOTALLY LIKE DUSTING! Bwah. Sam the Slayer? That’s hilarious. In every generation… :D

  • Someday I will watch this show. Until then, I will read wiki and chortle delightedly at your recaps, and never tell you anything spoilery because I’m not a douche.

    And also because I enjoy the chortling so why the hell would I want to ruin that?

    • Oh, MP, I am glad you’re reading and laughing along. (I will say that the show is pretty damn engaging. But then, tv watching time is at a premium for me, so I can imagine it is for you, as well.)

      <3 I was hoping I'd have my old Jossverse girls out here to laugh at "It's a big rock." :D

  • Colleen

    Little Baby Appetizer! LOL Seriously though, does no one in Westeros know how to knit that kid a hat? It’s supposed to be subarctic north of the wall!

    Can I just take a minute and say I fricken love the Hound? Especially because he doesn’t judge Arya for her horrendously dirty fingernails.

    Seriously, I agree with you about Sansa 100%. She has no idea that Tyrion’s secretly Mr. Awesome. All she knows is that his family has treated her monstrously since the minute she met them. After meeting Cersei and Joffrey, how can you assume that good Lannisters even exist? As far as 14 year olds go, she IS a good one! It took her a while to get some traction, but she’s getting smarter every episode.

    Not enough Jorah. I am totally looking forward to the b*&^ fight between he and Daario. It is inevitable.

    • DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT BABY NOT BEING COVERED IN THE ARCTIC CHILL. omg. How it hasn’t died yet…

      I really like the Hound. What a great, multidimensional character he is! He’s his own man with his own set of what’s right and wrong, based on the life he’s been given, and I’d probably trust him if I was there.

      Re: Sansa, let’s not forget that when she was first in King’s Landing, Cate had taken Tyrion prisoner for what she thought was pushing Bran out of the window, and the Lannisters knew it and probably told Sansa about it. So she’s thinking here’s the person that crippled her brother, is known to be a drunken lout, was once married to a whore, and now she’s having to marry him? No wonder she doesn’t want him.

      If there is a fight with Daario and Jorah, it better be shirtless. I’m just saying, the guys get a lot of ladies to look at. GAME OF BONERS!

  • Sue

    Breaking Bad and Buffy seemlessly in the same convo. You’re a goddess on your keys.

    I, too, am so glad I put off reading the books. I’m sick, and therefore witless, but A++ ep and recap.

    • I don’t think I’m going to start reading them until the final season airs and the final book has been written. That way I won’t have to worry about how I know me: I’ll plow through all 7 without taking a break, only to emerge after a few weeks filthy, shaking, a sobbing mess. :D

      I’m sorry you’re sick, nooooo!!! I wish I could smoosh soup and cuddles through your screen, Miss Sue.

  • Meghan

    I loved the akwardness at the wedding! And Lady Olenna going through their very confusing family tree! And Cersei totally shutting down Margaery!
    Sansa gets a lot of haters but I think she’s a great character and she is doing what needs to be done to stay alive. Any moment crazy Joffrey can get it into his head to hurt her or kill her so she’s living in constant fear.
    And Daario!! I read the books and have been waiting for him to appear and I am not disapointed!

    • To me, Sansa is so damn believable as a young girl who grew up being told a wonderful story for what her future would be. And in light of how quickly all of that fell apart (and how she’s totally alone), she’s handling it rather well. And she’s staying true to herself while doing it, too. <3

      I am so glad to hear that Daario is satisfying to book readers! because let me tell you, he's pretty satifying to show watchers. :D

  • Maxwell James

    Game of Thrones was in fine, fine form last night – and so was this recap! Axe body spray, indeed!

    “Tuco rule: smash, or don’t smash. But if you try and fail, I’ll break your hands.”

    Hahaha, yes! And now you see: the Hound is the good, the bad, AND the ugly, all in one package.

    I live by the principle of “Treat Yo-self.”

    I see this leading next week to Jorah, all depressed & shit, treating himself to some QT in a Bat-Knight suit.

    “Bruschetta? Prosciutto? Tamale? Morsel!”

    Given the cold climate the poor little guy’s grown up in, my vote is for Profiterole.

    • I try to live every day by the Tuco rule! (Which funny enough is also the Yoda rule: do or do not.) I really enjoy The Hound as a character (and of course, the way the actor is playing him). The Hound is truly his own man, haunted by his past and his brother, but he has a set of ideals that he lives by. That, to me, is honor.

      JORAH. Oh my gosh, I am dreading the hurt on Jorah’s face when this whole eye-sex thing Dany and Daario have going on comes to light. The broken “Khaleesi!” that I imagine he’ll cry out into the night as he falls to his knees should make angels weep. And then he’ll make a stop motion short film over the next three months. ;)

      Profiterole!! A tip o’me hat to you, ahahahahaha. Sorbet or Amuse Bouche might be good options, as well, seeing as he’s still so teeny.

  • Aaron L

    What a Great episode! This show is coming into its own as just the show, and not compared to the book anymore, IMHO…. (although I do have to say that Cersei was true as ever to book form in this ep. I loved it) Man, what a Horribly dreadful wedding. I bet it was all that Sansa ever dreamed of ;) Sansa is doing a Wonderful job for being FOURTEEN (poor poor girl) All great scenes even the bumbling idgit Sam the Slayer did good (man I feel like slappin that boy sometimes though UGH!!) The Hound and Arya as always Great Great characters and actors. Dany too is doing such an AMAZING job!!!

    Great recap as ever too Laura… Laughing out Loud once again. I bet there were high fives in your house that night.
    Tuco/Yoda but of course ;)
    BUSHWOOD LMAO
    What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh… Oh, it looks good on you though.

    • I love love LOVE hearing book readers see the show as its own entity. Even more do I love to hear that it’s still faithful. Cersei is the most bitter woman in the whole series, I think. And she has good reason to be, but OH is it delicious to watch!

      Oh, Sam Porkins. He just wants a home, a servant to light his fires (ha), and a warm girl to smile softly at him. And a table groaning with food. That’s it! And he couldn’t be further away from any of those things. But he killed a Wight! White! Wait. What? THOSE PREDATOR/FREMEN HYBRIDS. (Get 30 Crows to the Slaying!)

      AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW BUSHWOOD. Good lord, but Judge Smalls is one of my favorites – and everyone’s names. “Oh, Porterhouse! These loafers are coated with wax! Now, I want you to buff them down with a nice chamois, chop chop!” “You’ll get nothing and like it!”

      How’d you like to earn fourteen bucks the hard way? (Thank you so so much for always coming back! You’re one of my all-time fave commenters on the site.)

      • cowsharky

        In the book, the freaky Predator/Fremen dudes are called the Others or White Walkers. For the show they went with the second name to avoid confusion with Lost. The poor bastards they kill and reanimate are called wights. If you compare it to D&D, a White Walker is like a lich and a wight is like a Revenant.

        Re. Sansa, I love her too and hope for a happy ending. She reminds me of my older sister (and when we were kids, I was a little bit like Arya), so I feel as protective of her as I do my sis. Haters better never get up in my grill about Sansa (or my sister, of course).

        • Oh, I know they’re called White Walkers, I just like using made up names over here. (I bet you’ve noticed. :D)

          And TROOTH! Sansa is just doing the best she can in a positively HORRIBLE situation. She really, really tries, and I love her a lot for it. <3

          (And a million blessings on your house for that link of Iain Glenn. RAWR. I like my men well-seasoned, too. Oh, hell, I just like men. But dudes like Jorah/Iain can get. it.)

  • Aaron L

    Ohh Sam Sam Sam…. he is so soft. The only thing to toughen him up I’s thinks is a course in a boot camp put on by ole Sgt Hartman, but we all know what happened to poor, poor, soft Leonard. Alas, he started living in a world of shit….

    DOGFOOD!!! Ill Show Him Dog food!!!!
    DOODIE!!!!
    Dont sell yourself short Judge, youre a tremendous slouch
    Ahh Judge Smalls what a treasure.. And such a Classic movie. First movie I got to see as a kid that showed Boobies- WOOHOO :) Good ole Dad letting his kids watch any movie that he watched.. Builds such character :)

    Thanks for the commenter love.. You are one of my favorite if not my favorite recapper..

    PS It should have been you Gordie

    • (What the hell IS Goofy?)

      I think if Gilly told Samwell she so hoh-nee he’d smarten up. WOW THAT IS RACIST. (That scene still makes me cringe. And laugh for cringing.)

      Ha, I think that Caddyshack was the first movie where I saw boobies, too. It was either that or Salem’s Lot. That was back when cable boxes came with that giant button clicker. I AM OLD. (I had to sneak watching those, though, because my parents were hard core devout Mormons.) I’ve made up for my sheltered upbringing, though.

      :D

  • Mike

    We book readers can get kinda picky but we are also ridiculously easy to please when thrown a bone from the series producers. Case in point: Daario’s daggers. The prop people managed to get them almost exactly as they are described in the text (the Ice and Fire world equivalent of those busty silhouettes on trucker’s mudflaps). The director managed to have at least one shot linger on one long enough to generate a nice little gasp from us book lovers.

    • Good to see you back, Mike! You know, I was so entranced by Daario’s Swagger (I swear at one point he held out a clam full of tickets to that thing I love, then they turned into diamonds. I WOULD SWEAR THAT HAPPENED) that I didn’t notice his daggers! When I rewatch the ep on Saturday, I’ll make a point of looking for that. I love little details (probably not a little detail in the book, I’m guessing) translating onto the screen. Sometimes writers are so visual and cinematic in their descriptions (GRRM is one of those writers from the little I’ve read, and another person I think of as a cinematic writer is Cormac McCarthy.) that you really create a detailed world in your head. To not have that feel accurate almost feels like a betrayal, you know? So that’s AWESOME to hear!

      *rubs hands in anticipation*

  • Elsweyr

    Great points above about the show really becoming a stand-alone that is every bit the equal of the books. The changes to the story are exciting to me, since I like to suss out the general storyline they’re doing and the detail changes make it like reading it for the first time again.

    It’s a testament to the writing and acting that non-book-readers can instantly understand Sansa’s situation and come to her defense – we know Tyrion is genuine decent Lannister, but she barely knows him.

    The show hasn’t done a good job getting inside Stannis’ head up to now. They’re finally starting to show the internal conflict he has; the man never wanted to be king, has no interest in it, but he never shirked a duty in his life no matter how unpleasant. He really is bothered by the things he is doing and the scene with Davos is starting to bring that out.

    And man do I love show Davos. Can’t believe I was so spellbound watching him work his way through that book Shireen gave him.

    • “The changes to the story are exciting to me, since I like to suss out the general storyline they’re doing and the detail changes make it like reading it for the first time again.” I bet if the show writers heard that, they’d get it stitched onto a pillow and sleep on your words every night. :D

      I will definitely agree about Stannis. He’s a cipher to me. He’s one dimensional and I just don’t care about him, and I WANT to. The show rarely missteps as far as having characters that are enigmatic, but Stannis is just…flat. I’m sure there will be more about him – these past few episodes lead me to think we’re going deeper into his story – but for now, he’s just a piece on the game board that doesn’t mean much to me as a viewer. There’s definitely no sign of conflict with the actor playing him/the words he’s given.

      But DAVOS!! Oh, how amazing was that scene of him reading? I was totally cheering him on from my seat, too.

  • I chuckled at the Jon Snow mention and “their diamonds reset into more tasteful settings and sold off.” oh, and Wilford Brimley tree. It’s also funny how the White Walkers are afraid of obsidian (called “dragonglass” there), because in sixth grade science camp I was very proud of an arrowhead I chipped out of obsidian. Sixth-grade-me would be ready!

    • They’ve only briefly mentioned what those trees are called from…ep 1? 2? I think the first one, and I couldn’t remember it. But there was “Diabeetus” looking at me, so the choice seemed obvious. :D

      Dragonglass? THAT’S AWESOME. They’ve not named it yet (…right? I need to watch everything over this season and pick up on what I know now) so that’s very cool that it ties back in to the magic reawakening.

  • Aaron L

    (Goofys a dog. He’s definitely a dog)

    My first cable box was a big black box that had a nob in the middle with 30 some channels on it( and you had to get up off your asses to turn it :). I was amazed because before that I think we had like 13 channels.

    Ohhhhh Salems Lot…. Yeah, parents and another couple watched it when we first got HBO(on our new cable box), and I snuck behind the couch to watch. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME !!!! when that kid was knocking on the window so he could come in *SHIVERS* I had nightmares for weeks.. I watched it a couple years back LOL so cheezy now, but man, when your 7…..

    HAHAHAHAHA now Im picturing Gilly saying “Me Luv you Looong time”

    You must have snuck a lot of movies in then because you are plumb full of knowledge ;)
    Yeah my dad is a Nam Vet who married my hippie mom. Our upbringing was we got to watch all we wanted, and learned that “if it’s too scary for you, don’t watch it then” and “if the noody scenes embarrass you cover your eyes” LOL

  • Marquise de Sark

    Great recap as usual. I have never been able to fully get behind the idea of Jorah as a sex god (although I can understand why people think so), but HELLO Daario!!! That is a camp I could certainly shift my tent to.

    • Oh, for me the Jorah UNF factor is purely that growling voice of his (and passionate dedication). Mmm, yes please! I do like that in a man. ;)

      BUT THEN COMES DAARIO AND I NEED A BATALLION OF UNSULLIED TO FAN MY FACE. Hoo-boy. (And thank you!)

    • cowsharky

      Oh, I can see Jorah as a sex god: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2989719552/nm0322513
      Granted, that pic is prolly 10 or so years ago, but he still can get it. Same for Liam Cunningham as Davos. I tend to like my men older and scruffier. Norman Reedus influences my current tastes. Daario doesn’t do it for me. Too pretty, and pretty boys with very long hair remind me of the dudes in the Anita Blake books, and while that series has become pron, it’s the opposite of sexy to me.

  • Laura Rezko

    *raises wine glass* To another excellent review!

    Oh my, Daario. You’re certainly something(something being A MAGNIFICENT STALLION). Butttttttttt, I don’t know if I fully trust you yet. And will we ladies have to up our birth control? His voice may not cause spontaneous pregnancy like our beloved Jorah, but those eyes? Oof.

    KHALEESI, moon of my heart! All these interactions she’s had with various leaders make me wonder what a meeting between her and Joffrey would be like. I like to think that she wouldn’t even let him talk but set one of her dragons on him.

    I have to give props to Arya for considering for a moment if she could kill The Hound with one blow. If that’d been me? I think a little pants peeing would have happened!

    CREEPY FACE TREE IS CREEPY. I don’t have anything more intelligent to say about that- except that I think it was mentioned in season one that they’re called Heart Trees.

    No Jaime and Brienne this week- but there was Davos! I just love that guy- and I find him quite handsome. *blush* Oooooh, Davos!

    We finally get the long overdue shirtless scene of Gendry. In the immortal words of Jayne Cobb- I’l be in my bunk.

    • Those eyes, that jaw line, those lips… YEAH. WE ARE IN FULL OVARIAN ARREST UP IN HERE.

      Oh, Dany would smile for about a milisecond at Joffrey then – after Jorah grumbled and moaned “He is no king, Khaleesiiiiiiiiiii” – she would sic her dragons on Weaselteat. AND THERE WOULD BE MUCH REJOICING, HUZZAH!

      Davos is totally awesome, and every time he’s on screen I’m reminded of how engaging I find his character! There was some definitely smiling and mumbling of “Shiny!” at my end during the Gendry sccene, too. :D CAPTAIN HOTPANTS.

  • I think Tyrion, Jaime, Theon and Cersei won’t make it. I have doubts over Sansa – the only Stark witohut a wolf – and Daenerys, though Dany may become queen and then we get a glimpse of her dying childless many years later having named someone else as heir.I think Bran, Arya, Rickon and probably Jon will make it to the end.

  • S

    Because I am STILL not watching this series (Though I have watched a bunch of ‘Gay of Thrones’on Funny or Die. “Where are my dragons??”) I want to be caught up, I am going back and reading all your old recaps. It is so hard not to be cackling after reading them, which is an issues because I may or may not be at work.

    However, I -had- to comment on this one, because you have a Spike from BtVS quote in here! “It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. -They- don’t have a rock this big.” Ahahahah! I can literally hear his voice in my head. :) Made my day!