Game of Thrones 3.10 – Mhysa

I'm on a boat and it's going slow and I got a nautical tip from Davos the Hand!

I’m on a boat and – it’s going slow and – I got a nautical tip from Davos the Hand!

Before we get started on our prayer circle, I would like to say how unhappy I am with myself for missing the MOST PERFECT OPPORTUNITY last week to have said, “I’m in UR base, killing UR d00dz.”  I feel a deep shame for this, and I ask your forgiveness.

I’m just kidding, I’m still mad y’all didn’t crack up at my Old Spice/Daario joke [CTRL F swagger], because that shit was gold.  BUT WOW A LOT HAPPENED, and while it didn’t have the heart-ripping quality of last week, it did tell us a lot of important game movements. Plus, the lines were drawn: upstairs vs. downstairs! (Wait, this isn’t Downton Abbey.) I mean: Highborn vs. Lowborn! Those with huge armies and those without! Magic vs. No magic!

Interesting how our Khaleesi straddles so many of these lines…

But we start with Roose Bolton, who – while he has Jorah Mormont levels of sexy British voicings – is still a son of a bitch.  He stands on a parapet at the Twins, watching the crew film the opening of the POS movie “The Purge” down below. (I was dragged to see that this weekend. It’s awful.)

If you’re a Stark, you’re either being stabbed, burned, or hanged.  The Hound – looking quite terrified for a moment, actually – has Arya in his lap.  WHAT DO!? He spies a Frey flag flying, yoinks it, and pretends he’s on the “right” side to get out of there. AND THEY DO. THEY GET OUT WITHOUT INCIDENT.

Oh my gosh, Arya Stark, I want to hug you so tight. Of course they don’t get out without incident, because they hear a “procession” beginning for “The King of The North.”  And I feel like Susan and Lucy watching The White Witch shave and then murder Aslan. They’ve beheaded Robb and (oh god) his Direwolf – and put Grey Wind’s head on Robb’s body.

OH MY GO-  What is WRONG with you people?!

OH MY GO- What is WRONG with you people?!

I won’t even act like I didn’t gasp, point my finger at the TV screen and say, “NO! NO YOU DO NOT DO THAT!” Poor Arya, you guys, because she was absolutely in shock. Arya is either going to crumble (not likely) or become one of the toughest women in Westeros when she’s grown.

The other remaining lady Stark, Sansa, walks with Tyrion amongst the gardens of King’s Landing where they come up with the fun idea of a Prank War as Shae rolls her eyes behind the two.  Stop being cute, you guys!  Sansa’s all, “Let’s saran wrap their chamber pots! Hot sauce in their wine!”  And Tyrion goes, “Waste of good wine, but I see your point! Okay, um, how about have sex with your sibling, birth a monster with a rat face, and put him on the throne!”

They both eye each other.  “Well, you have to admit it worked,” Tyrion grumbled.  I love that they’re becoming friends.  Sansa is beginning to like him.  (That won’t end well.) Podrick runs towards them, a loud swinging noise between his legs as women swoon and fall over in his pant snake’s wake.

“Your father’s called a meeting of the Small Council.”

Tyrion arrives to find Joffrey so excited he’s actually getting his diaper changed after wetting it.  (He’s tumbled his sippy cup to the floor already!) A raven has come, written in “cryptic” language from Walder Frey.  Now they all know the Starks are dead.  Joffrey makes clappy hands and squeals his little rat noises and tells the Maester to send off a letter requesting Robb’s head and a vial of turmeric, because he is going to serve Robb’s head to Sansa at the Royal Wedding.

Tyrion: Uh…no. You’re not.
Joffrey: Uh…yes. I am. I am your King!
Tyrion: Well I didn’t vote for you.
Joffrey: You don’t vote-  Look, I am your King! I can do what I want!
Tyrion: And how’d you get that bit of work, eh?
Joffrey: My father-

[Cersei interrupts making loud noises and coughs at the thought of Robert being Joffrey’s father]

Joffrey: -and that is how I became King.
Tyrion: Look, some incestuous bint throwing thrones at you is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical drunken bait-and-switch in the bedroom ceremony.
Joffrey: [stomping with tiny rat-hand fists] I AM YOUR KING!
Tywin: You seem to have to remind everyone of that. Often. Telling, don’t you think?
Joffrey: You shut your mouth, Grandpa! I’m your King, too! My father-

[Cersei coughs and pounds her chest]

Joffrey: -was the real hero. You sat your old arse at Casterly Rock and did nothing!

LE GASP. Oh HALE naw.  The silence is so thick even Varys is uncomfortable, and he sups on the tears of the wicked for breakfast.

These people are 9000% over your shit, Weaselteat.

These people are 9000% over your shit, Weaselteat.

Tywin stares Joffrey down until Joffrey’s little rat-tail tucks between his legs.  “I believe your son,” Tywin says to Cersei, “needs a nap.” Yeah, a dirt nap.

Cersei drags him away, terrified, while Joffrey stomps his wittle feets and rubs his sweepy eyes and cries, “I’m not tired!”  Aw, him’s so tie-tie he completely forgot that he has absolutely no say in that room.

Everyone quickly leaves after that. Everyone but Tyrion, who Tywin orders to stay. Tyrion jokes about how brave Tywin must be to challenge the King, but they both know that a crown doesn’t give you power.  Armies, now that’s where the power lies.  Tyrion does think it rather shady to kill “dozens” at a wedding party, though.  (Um, way more than that, if you’re counting outside which I do.)

Tywin shrugs it off.  He’s alive; they’re not. Best line of this conversation: “I’m all for cheating, this is war.”

When Tyrion tells his father in a “you better watch out!” tone that the North will never forget, his father’s response?  GOOD.  That’ll keep them on their toes.  Clearly they should have sung the song “The Reynes of Castamere” more often to remind people what happens when you go against the Lannisters.  I mean, it’s on their coat of arms: Lannisters always pay their debts.

Whatever, the point Tywin wanted to make was this: Tyrion needs to get with having a baby off Sansa so that son will take over Winterfell, displacing Roose Bolton as the Warden of the North. Put your family first, Tyrion, and stop bellyaching about not wanting to force yourself on your wife.   Do the right thing.

And when has Tywin ever done the right thing solely for the family and not himself, hmm? “The day you were born,” Tywin replies, gritting his teeth. He decided not to drown Tyrion when he was born, but to instead claim him as a son because he had Lannister blood.  So that was his good deed for the rest of his life.  Now go make a baby, Demon Monkey.

Except when Tyrion goes to Sansa, he sees her weeping at her window.  Which means she knows about her family.  What do you want to bet Joffrey made a little visit? Or had someone do it for him? WEASELTEAT! [/Newman!]

But all of the Stark males are NOT dead, as evidenced by Bran and his group arriving at Nightfort. (It took a bit for me to realize this was the place Porkins had been talking about from his book learnin’.) They hole up for the night for some  scary stories around the camp fire.

Bran tells them of the Night’s Watch Rat Cook, a dude that would have felt right at home in Dante’s lowest circle.  Short of it: he killed the King’s son on a visit, cooked him up with four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. But when the pie was opened the guests began to scream, for wasn’t that a rude gift to serve before the King?

The Gods thought so and punished the cook by turning him into a giant white rat, forever hungry and only able to feed on his own children. (Um, those are shitty Gods, I’m sorry.  A man was murdered, and the punishment wasn’t because the victim was innocent, but because he was a guest?  Sky Bullies blow, sorry.) But hey-hey, this is a great lead in (and bit of foreshadowing, I suspect) for Walder Filch-Frey.

Frey gnaws on a meat bone, slurping his wine, as Roose Bolton and he watch washer women scrubbing the blood off the floors.  Frey crows about showing the “high lords” up – so there’s a system of importance in the gentry here, as well.  Frey would definitely fit the Flea Bottom rung of royalty.  They chatter about summer homes and what comes next, when we hear the definitive answer about who’s had Theon the whole time: Roose’s bastard (and an actual bastard of a bastard, at that) Ramsay.

And yep, Ramsay cut off Theon’s knob, holy hell!  Ramsay sits in front of a clearly beaten Theon while eating a sausage.  What a dick. He licks the tip asking  Theon about phantom limbs, and says that while his mother taught him not to throw stones at cripples [omg], his father taught him to aim at their heads. Seriously, this guy is Cartman with actual power.

Look at this jackass! I can't help it, I laughed.

Look at this jackass! I can’t help it, I laughed.

Theon pulls a Ripley #7, crying out, “Kill. Me.” But Ramsay hasn’t finished pulling all the wings and legs off his pet fly yet.  After all, Theon is just a stinking piece of meat.  Why, he really smells. In fact, he reeks-  That’s what he’ll call Theon from now on!  And if Theon won’t answer to it, Ramsay will just beat the hell out of him until he does. After the third time of being asked his name, Theon sobs through a mouth of busted teeth, “Reek.”

Like that kid that shows up to the third grade with a dirty shirt and is called PigPen until the day he graduates, it looks like Theon will be known as Reek.  Wow, Theon, you have fallen far, buddy.  You deserved some of the peg knocking, but not the peg removal, yeesh.

Bran wakes up with a gasp – there are strange noises coming from the well that they’re camped out by. We finally see that it’s Red Leader Porkins with Gilly and baby Amuse Bouche in tow! They made it! And OH, RIGHT, this is the place Porkins was talking about to sneak through the Wall.  How convenient for the story!

Everyone hems and haws about who’s who until it becomes obvious that Bran is Bran, what with the broken legs and Direwolf, and Porkins knows Jon, so. In fact, Porkins loves Jon Snow so much that he’ll do anything for Bran, anything! Just name it!

“Take us north of the Wall.”

Anything but that!

Siiiigh. I think we all know that Red Leader Porkins’ strength is that he stays on target. So he and Gilly are pushing on to Castle Black where they’ll be safe (ha, nowhere is safe, buddy) but they’ll show Bran and the group how to get through the secret entrance to head north.

And wow, I had all but forgotten about the Iron Islands, but there we are with a message being delivered to Lord Greyjoy as his daughter watches on with a grim look.  Yara jumps immediately to Step Three as Lord Greyjoy reads about how all of the Ironborn will leave Winterfell immediately or be flayed alive like the rest. And also they’ll get more “special deliveries.”

Step Three: Make her open the box. (And that’s the way you do it!)

Coronation: dick in a box!                                                Red Wedding: dick in a box!                                            Big War: dick in a box!

Coronation: dick in a box!                                                      Red Wedding: dick in a box!                         Big War: dick in a box!

Lord Greyjoy shrugs.  Now he has no son, so who cares what Ramsay does to him? UH, YARA CARES. She’s going to get her fastest ship, load it with assassins, sail up the Narrow Sea to Weeping Water, storm Dreadfort (awesome name, by the way) and take her brother back. And the thing is, I think she can do it.  Also, wow, is Lord Greyjoy a dick. And maybe a bit tetched in the head?

Also #2, I freaking love that Yara is going to captain a ship full of assassins.  I’d watch the hell out of that pirate show.

Bran and his group are given the bits of Dragonglass (damage of +20, light armor, I suspect, perk of +30% DR if you’re kitted out in Dragon-armor) from Porkins, who happens to be the first person to kill a White Walker in thousands of years.  Way to go, Porkins!  Bran really doesn’t want to go north, but he has to because apparently only he and Billy Elliot can kill the untold legions of the undead. Pfft. Teenagers and their idealism.

They part ways, Bran and his group through the secret tunnel leading north, and Porkins, Gilly, and baby Morsel to Castle Black. Farewell, travelers.

In another reminder of the difference between the Haves and the Have Nots, Davos chills with Gendry down in the dungeons.  Gendry’s had it hammered into his head by now: never trust a Highborn. Like Davos.  Davos’ laugh is a dry laugh, for he is no Highborn. Why, he grew up on Shit Alley, two blocks over from the “richies” on Steel Way, Gendry’s block.  They throw up the appropriate signs and I would like to officially state that Gendry + Sass = my OTP. Long and the short of it: Davos was forced into being a Lord, Gendry was a virgin, and maybe these two kids from the block can help one another…

Shae is approached by Varys where he explains the following:

  • She’s been good for Tyrion; their love was Real Love
  • Her time of helping Tyrion has come to an end
  • “We break bread with them, but we’re not family.”
  • All that matters in King’s Landing is the name – the last name.
  • Her name is Mud.
  • If she doesn’t leave, not only will she be killed, but Tyrion as well
  • She can have an ornate sack of diamonds to go away and build a new life of her own
  • Varys is actually being a good guy here, I think.

Shae tosses him the sack o’diamonds and says that if Tywin wants her to leave, he can tell her himself. Oh, darling girl, he won’t say anything other than “Kill her” to a henchman.  :(

Tyrion and Podrick are well into their cups by this point. “It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were.” Ahahaha, oh my gosh, I’m getting that cross stitched on a sampler to hang over  my bar. Work ethic: Tyrion has it.

Cersei arrives and quickly dismisses Podric, aka Squire Dong. (Tripod? The whores of King’s Landing have! Ba dum bum CHING!) Wow, there is no love lost between these two siblings, but they have no one else that understands – plus, I think this forced marriage deal has driven them together somewhat.  Speaking of… Cersei doesn’t actually think she’ll end up marrying Loras. Tyrion smirks, because suuuuuure!

They toast to being happy – which Cersei decidedly is not.  The only thing keeping her from killing herself is her children. Once upon a time they gave her great joy, yes, even Joffrey.  He was a good child, he just went the way of rotten child star – too much fame too soon.  Way to Justin Beiber it, Joffrey.

Tyrion isn’t too drunk not to realize that this war of his family’s is a sort of hydra: every enemy they squash reveals two new ones.  War…war never changes.

The Hound and Arya continue to ride to…who knows where, when they pass a small group of Frey’s men bragging over being the ones who killed Catelyn, and one other was the one who had to sew the wolf’s head onto Robb’s body. Jesus… Arya slips off the horse, feigns being cold and hungry and offers a coin to one of the men for a chance to warm herself. “It’s worth a lot.” I SHOULD SAY SO, ARYA STARK! That’s the coin a man gave a girl!

when you can snatch this coin from my hand...

when you can snatch this coin from my hand…

She drops it, he goes after it, and she’s on him like a snake, holy hell, stabbing him in the neck, the face, the shoulder, over and over, and so quickly that the others haven’t figured out what’s going on for a moment. The Hound enters the fray to kill the other Freys lickity-split and with as much blunt force trauma as can be managed. Nice. Expert-level melee, that.

She leans over the dead man’s body and whispers, “Valar morghulis.” The Hound asks if that’s the first man she’s killed.  “Yes. The first.” Of many, is the unspoken rest of that. Damn, Arya officially wins the “Who’s More Grizzled?” contest.

Jon washes his face in a pool of water, giving Ygritte the opportunity to get the drop on him. She’s got him pinned with an arrow pulled. Apparently they have old school Police in the North as she sings, “I called you so many times today, and I guess it’s true what the Wildlings say: that you don’t ever want to see me again, and your Hodor’s gonna kill me and he’s 6’10.  I guess you call it ‘Southernness’ but I’m not prepared to go on like this. I can’t (I can’t) I can’t stand losing!”

Jon says (brokenly, because he really does care for her) that he knows he loves her, she loves him, and that she won’t hurt him.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow.” PERFECTION, m’lady.

Except HOLY SHIT SHE REALLY DOES SHOOT HIM! Right in the back!  He makes it to his horse and she tags him again in the leg!!  I mean, she’s crying while she’s doing it with a lip wobble and everything, but she’ll be damned if she’s made a fool of like this! He gets away, and she gets one last arrow in him.  Wow, did not see that coming. Ygritte?  You’re a bad ass.  (“And I’m too full to swallow my pride…” If you don’t love The Police, you are living your life in an incorrect manner.)

At Castle Black, Porkins and Company arrive and he actually says to a blind man (Maester Aemon) “I know how this must look.”  Way to Seacrest it, Porkins.  Look, the baby isn’t his, and Gilly is one of Craster’s wives.  Porkins knows his vows and more importantly, he still honors them.  “The night is gathering. It’s coming for all of us.”

Well, then. Maester Aemon is going to need him to take down a message, copy it 43 times, and send every raven out.  Let’s get to it.

We learn that Davos is once again the Hand of the wanna be King (Stannis) when he has another hooked on phonics session with Newt.  She thinks he’d enjoy reading her storybooks more [mostly], but he has work to do and lots of it.  In fact… He pulls a small scroll with a black plug of wax, begins to read it out loud, and then goes eerily still.  And then the bells begin to toll.

He races to the War Room where Fire Crotch Mage is tossing the wolf game pieces from their Westeros Boardgame into the fire, nooo! But…they don’t actually believe the leech on the brazier is responsible for Robb and Catelyn’s death, right?  Because there are a lot of things involved with that particular move, and leeches ain’t on the list.  FCM shrugs and smirks. It’s proof to her, so…

Look, Davos is simply not getting involved in this blood magic. It’s the wrong way to unite the kingdoms.

Stannis: Uh, the Targaryens used dragons. Dragons are magic.

Davos: You’re not a dragon or magic. Don’t kill Gendry, you don’t need to.

FCM: So…you can see that we’re still in Dragonstone and not on the Iron Throne, right? Because yeah – we do need to kill him, duh.

Stannis: Also, eh. Who cares about a bastard child from Flea Bottom?

Davos takes that as a sign to slip Gendry out of jail in the middle of the night, plonk him on a boat and point him in the right direction.  Problem: Gendry a) has never been on a boat, and b) can’t swim. “Don’t fall out.”  A shove, a reminder to keep going and not drink seawater, and Gendry’s off to safety.  (One hopes.)

At Castle Black, a horse enters the grounds with a slumped over Jon Snow. Is he still alive? He’s brought inside and rolled onto his back (there are still arrows there, people! BE CAREFUL!) and he slowly comes to enough to see Porkins and Pyp.  “You’re home!” They gently bring him inside where hopefully he’ll live. I am not ready to lose both Robb AND Jon, people. I can’t.

In King’s Landing, Jaime and Brienne finally enter the gates, beaten, dirty, but alive.  Cut to Cersei playing with a seashell when Jaime walks in and sees the love of his life, the flower in his attic, and calls softly, “Cersei.”

She turns, gasps, then spies his stump. Jaime braces himself for rejection. (Um, she’s already a dirtyrottenbrotherfucker, dude, I’m thinking a missing hand isn’t going to be a deal breaker here.)

Davos is brought before Stannis the next day, fully admitting to letting Gendry escape.  Fine, Stannis sentences Davos to death. Aha, you didn’t undo the Hand thing, so as your adviser, Davos says, I advise you to not kill me. BRILLIANT. I laughed so hard at that.

Davos hands over the note from Castle Black about White Walkers. Oho, Fire Crotch Mage, what does your filth pig god say about this, hmm?  Didn’t see this coming, did you?  She throws the letter into the fire, stares, and then says, “Shit. He’s right. Stannis, you have to let him live because you’re going to need him to unite people to your cause.”

Stannis: “Fffffffffff-  Also, in your face, Davos, because the god you mocked saved you.” FCM turns and gives Davos the Creep Eye for a solid ten seconds.

Dany stands with her men and C3P0 (the hot humanoid version) as they wait for the people liberated from Yunkai to come join them. Or not.  The doors open and people pour out by the hundreds, if not thousands. C3P0 addresses the crowd: “If you do not wish to be thrown into a Sarlaac Pit, you will accept that you owe-”

“Uh, allow me,” Dany interrupts.  “Look, you have had your chains removed, but it’s up to you to take your freedom. I won’t force you. Also, I’m pretty and white and let’s just act like this isn’t systematically problematic in fantasy/sci-fi literature, okay?”

MY QUEEN. Mother of Dragons, breaker of chains...and hearts.

MY QUEEN. Mother of Dragons, breaker of chains…and hearts.

The people begin chanting “Mhysa!” which means “Mother.”  Jorah helps her down, she commands her dragons to fly (which is smart so they can be ready to burninate anyone that tries to harm her) and then walks among the people. The chanting becomes more and more impassioned as she walks on a path of palm fronds to be worshiped. They hoist her up for a little crowd surfing before carrying her in a circle among her people on their shoulders.

KHALEESI! MHYSA! And in that moment, I would swear we were all Jorahs, in love with Daenerys Targaryen. Daario and Jorah exchange looks and hum, “I’m a mother lover, you’re a mother lover, we should fuck each other’s mothers. Fuck each other’s moms!” [By far my favorite Lonely Island song.]

Let’s talk about that amazing shot at the end, as we see her MASSIVE ARMY grow even larger.  One of the talking points was about how armies are the key, but then…maybe magic is the key.  So here we have Dany with an ever-growing army of devoted citizens that will not pull a double cross on her (Grey Worm act like Roose?  Come on.) and she has three dragons, a mystical number in itself, not to mention they are magic.

But.  The army of the undead is countless, I imagine, what with it being made up of undead people, and is inherently magic.  Um. On a game board, this is what’s winning.  Time to get Dany into manufacturing Dragonglass, however that happens.

It’s also interesting to me that the Starks were set up as the original heroes and protagonists in the beginning.  Ned was killed in Season One, everything else went to hell in Season Two, and by the end of Season Three, the Starks are scattered to the winds, and all because of their hero’s journey.  The hero’s journey is the ruin of their family, actually. I think Arya’s going to get a little Lannister-sneaky as time goes on.

“I’m all for cheating; it is war, after all.”  Yet another reason to add to the “Tyrion Lannister is one of the smartest men in all of Westeros” column.  Because who’s alive?

Why it’s okay this season didn’t end after the Red Wedding. Last night after the episode aired, I saw that people were saying how this was anti-climatic after 3.9.  Well…yeah.  Where were you for S1 and 2? This is how it works, storytelling, you have highs and lows, points of action and points of exposition to further the narrative.  3.10 furthers the narrative in some seriously important ways.

We now have the Iron Islands involved in an unexpected manner, we finally have Bran north of the Wall, his Warg powers growing, Jaime freaking Lannister is back home after two seasons of being on the run, Castle Black is being activated, Wildlings are on the move, and we have Arya Stark realizing that nowhere is safe.

Most importantly, after what happened at the wedding (and oh, how I think we’re being set up to watch Frey come completely undone, and it will be glorious! After all, the Blackfish is on the loose, hurrah!), we needed to see Arya kill the shit out of one of Frey’s men.  Especially that one.  She had to listen to her father get beheaded. She had to sit quietly while her mother and brother and all of her family’s bannermen were slaughtered.  She was finally able to defend herself, her family, and deliver vengeance in the most soul-satisfying way, and that was us stabbing that jackhole.  We needed that as much as she did.

Can you imagine if this season ended last week?  We’d all be up at arms! Too many unknowns to keep us in knots for ten months. Now we have some answers, some movement, and enough to talk about until season four begins.

What do you think?  Remember that I’m a non-book reader and will remain that way until the show wraps (omg), so please be respectful of that.  You can talk here, just don’t spoil things. (If you worry you’re going to reveal a spoiler, add [font color=”#ffffff”]whatever you’re worried about[/font], but change the brackets to less than/greater than signs.)

TEN MONTHS. What.  I-  *sobs* [Edited to add: there are some great discussions about privilege, White Saviors, etc. happening in comments.  I loooove when people have great conversations with each other or me – just remember to keep things respectful and thought provoking, not people poking.]

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  • Katy

    Laura let me tell you how much I love you for parodying Monty Python.
    (And how laughed at photoshopped Theon.)

    Even though I knew about the Robb/wolf thing, I was really was hoping they wouldn’t do it on the show. I was watching through my fingers during that.

    I am really hoping we don’t have to wait too long into season four for a certain thing to happen that I know you will LOOOOOOOOOOOVE.

    Now if George will just hurry up and finish the last two books…….

    (PS I cross-stitch, just FYI).

    • If there is EVER a way to work Monty Python in, I’m taking it. <3

      I thought we were done with Robb and Catelyn, so I was HORRIFIED. Just gobsmacked. I mean, that's war and Man and all, but eeesh. Poor, poor Arya.

      George needs to finish these damn books! And HBO needs to give us a 20 ep season!! How can I wait until April 2014?

      (Ahahaha, wouldn't that be a wonderful little stitched pillow? Ha.)

      Thank you so, so much for sticking with me and, more importantly, for keeping me spoiler free! <3

  • Colleen

    OMG, now what I am going to do next Monday morning?! I’ve been so looking forward to these recaps!

    I think you were spot on! We DID need to see Arya stab the heck out of that inbred Frey! A girl knows when the audience needs to vent! You know what I loved most about that scene? That the Hound was so non-chalant about it. “Hey, just tell me when you’re going to do that… mmm… they left some bbq…”

    I think we need to put which ever Frey thought of sewing Grey Wind’s head to Robb’s body in the corner with Stannis’ creepy baby hoarding wife. The levels of horrifying that some of these Westerosi allow themselves to sink to…

    Seriously though, thanks Laura, this season became even more awesome because of your wrap ups!

    • …you can join me Tuesday mornings for Teen Wolf? (Hee.)

      I really, really needed to see a Stark get some measure of vengeance after last week’s horror show. I love that the Hound admires her – he sees how spunky she is and respects it. (I think he respected Sansa, too, for being true to herself.) LOL at the Hound going back for the forgotten BBQ.

      And thank you very much, by the way, for riding this season out with me! I’m a fangirl, and I need other fen to babble at to fully enjoy a show. *clings to you*

  • Jackie

    I’m all for loose ends being tied up, but surely there’s a way to do that that doesn’t seem so flat? Yay to Joffrey getting smacked down, although I wish they hadn’t changed Cersei from the books. In the books, she seems to support Joffrey’s assholery a bit more, and Tywin calls her out on it.
    I hated the imagery of the Yunkai liberation scene. Pretty white savior floating around a crowd of brown people=EWWW

    • Eh, I didn’t see this as flat at all – I have an extra page of notes than I normally take to be honest. But then, I’m not a bookreader, so I have no idea if people were expecting Something In Particular to happen. As a non-reader, this was greatly satisfying and left me wanting more in a good way.

      The White Savior stuff with Dany and all of the Southern People she keeps freeing is really troubling, but jeez, I can’t think of many fantasy/sci-fi books or series that aren’t written from a white man’s POV. It’s time for POC to rise up and start dominating that genre so there can be some fair (and non-racist) representation, for sure.

      As far as simple cinematography goes, that last shot of the massive crowd of people was awesome (minus the previous issue we’ve both mentioned).

  • I really enjoyed the relationships that were established in this episode, but overall, I was disappointed.

    I think I’ve just come to expect so much and after such a strong and fulfilling season, this just felt weak. Especially because this episode was fraught with amazing foreshadowing…and we didn’t get a taste of satisfaction from it. That was just a dick move. You can’t have Bran say that the only unforgivable sin to the gods is killing a guest under your roof, then pan over to Filch smirking, slurping and bragging about doing just that…and then LEAVE US WITH NOTHING. Ugh. So that was why I was disappointed. I just needed one of the bad guys to die. Joffrey. Filch. Cersi. THEON?!

    And I’ll admit, I am not looking forward to Yara’s involvement in saving Theon. I am just completely over that story line. They’ve over abused him, cut his dick off, continue to bully him like a 3rd grade meanie with the whole “Reeks” thing…and I STILL don’t feel sorry for him. As a matter of fact, I was irritated when Theon begged to die. I was like “THE MORE YOU BEG TO DIE, THE LONGER YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE TO BE TORTURED. SHUT UP.” LOL. yeah. I don’t like him or his creepy family and I hope they get wiped out by the dragons.

    I really love The Hound and Arya. They are really good for each other and their relationship is heartwarming in a weird sorta way. Kinda like Jean Reno and Natalie Portman in The Professional.

    Somebody please kill Joffrey soon. As in the first scene of the first episode. PLEASE? Love, Mel.

    Oh…and poor Shae. She should have taken the diamonds and run. I have a very bad feeling about her future. Sigh.

    Lord Varys is consistently one of my favorite characters on this show.

    • Yeah, I’m not going to agree to the disappointing aspect of this episode. The story was pushed along, things were tied up, other mysteries revealed, the narrative was moved forward, and it left me wanting the next season in an excited way.

      Filch’s comeuppance needs to be slow and painful – what, you wanted him to choke on a chicken bone and die at the table? How unsatisfying would that be? I also think it would have been cheap for Roose to stab him, or something. I want that mu-fuh to have Theon-levels of torture, but by the reunited Stark children. That can’t happen quickly.

      I think Theon has suffered enough, honestly. He’s tortured himself on top of being tortured – he’s as good as dead. Theon is no more, there is only Reek.

      I don’t know, I just completely disagree with your list of who should have died. I would have been PISSED if they’d killed Cersei or Joffrey – those are long cons, yo.

      I want more of Yara, actually. I don’t know enough about her, other than she’s a bad ass seafarer and would like to see why she merits a name on the marquee – I think there’s more there to further the overall story. Theon is a direct tie to the Starks, who still matter to the overall story, after all.

      Do you HONESTLY want Weaselteat to be dead? Just be gone? You don’t want him to be tortured, or on the run getting screwed over, mocked, harassed? I think he’s the worst person in Westeros, to be sure, but I want a villain to root against, and that’s him.

      *shrug* IDK I don’t WANT this all over. I want it to keep going, to keep telling me more parts of the story, and that includes the bad guys.

      • I don’t expect you to agree with me. LOL But it just wasn’t the episode I needed to feel fulfilled. After the heartbreaking loss of last week, I needed some vengeance. I NEEDED one bad guy to die. (and I did love Arya losing her death cherry in the episode. She needed that.) I just think with the amount of foreshadowing they did about Frey’s eventual fate, there should have been something … an attempt on his life. An injury? Something violent. Because I needed someone bad to be hurt!

        And yes. I want Joffrey to die. I don’t care how or who kills him. I’ve written his death in several ways…and however it happens it will be satisfying. He’s not moving this story forward anymore. He serves as Tywin’s puppet…his role is complete. He’s served his purpose of bringing Tywin back into a real position of power as the Hand…who will be in official charge upon Joffrey’s death…so let’s let Joffrey die already.

        I don’t want Ceresi to die, really. I am very curious to see what the relationship in the attic is gonna be like now that Jamie is a softer, kinder, handless Jamie. That’s gonna be a fun storyline, I think.

        I know the Ironborn are important pieces in the game, but I think their storylines have been the weakest so far, so I’m not really into them yet. Yara does have potential to be pretty awesome if they let her. and I hope they do, but right now, I’m SO over all the Greyjoys. LOL

        Hodor. hodor

        • (remember how this site is all about loving on shows because of how the rest of the entire internet is for all the things you don’t like about them?)

          We just aren’t watching the show with the same expectations, I guess. I’m still excited about what’s to come to the point where I’ve not felt like they haven’t given me tons to enjoy already. I’m not feeling let down in the slightest. But to each her own, of course.

          • My criticism and disappointment in this one episode doesn’t take away from my love of the show. I agree that there was some important closure and building blocks set up for the next season. My point was, I personally NEED a bad guy to bite it. Soon. Otherwise, everyone will join the Darkside to avoid death and I don’t want that!

            Also, I just mentally turned Jamie Lannister into Luke Skywalker. Hmmmm. Now I see all sorts of potential storylines…

            • Clearly what needs to happen is you spending the next 10 months writing epic Star Wars Luke/Leia but with Jamie/Cersei fanfic. And then sending it to me. *grabby hands*

      • cowsharky

        Regarding Walder Frey, I really wanna see him get the blood eagle treatment, but only after every one of his ugly brood are dead. Roslin’s technically a Tully now, and I don’t think she was in on the planning, so she can live. But at least every male child of his must die, so he knows that the Frey name has died out forever.

        As for the Boltons, once winter comes and it’s insanely ridiculously cold in the North (as opposed to the usual ridiculously cold), strip them naked and abandon them beyond the Wall. They can keep their skin because at those temperatures it won’t matter.

        Yeah, the Red Wedding made me a little bloodthirsty. It doesn’t help that I identify as a Stark. Hell, even if I didn’t want to be like a Stark I’d still be one.

        • Hahahaha, awesome Thomas Harris reference. Blood eagle sounds just about right for Roose Bolton, too. I thought Frey said that Edmure spent the night in the dungeon (I forgot to add that to the recap! Augh. Well, 4K long, I’m bound to miss something) so my thought is Frey will keep him alive if it will benefit him to have Roslin (and her potential child) inherit Riverrun? And you’ll get no argument from me on a long, slow, painful destruction to the Frey line.

          I admire your bloodthirstiness, I must say, and share those same damn sentiments. The Starks represented the dream, the goal for people to shoot for, and it’s all but gone. And now we’re left with the broken, mean, cruel, selfish people. Which will make for an amazing S4, I bet.

  • Gjulleen

    I think my favorite part was the hound after Arya killed the Frey:

    “First time you killed a man?” (Oh gods, I hope she doesn’t need to talk about her feelings or something.)

    “The first.” (Bad ass stare.)

    (Hound is relieved. No feelings here. Just tell him next time, k?)

  • Glen L

    Since I’m currently traveling in some backwater country without HBO (Germany) and my hotel doesn’t offer free wifi I haven’t seen this episode. But I did the next best thing and read this excellent writeup.

    I can’t imagine why anyone would want this season to end with the red wedding. That would’ve left everyone stewing in the pain of seeing the Stark faction reduced to no more than the remaining orphans. This way we get to experience some quick revenge through Arya.

    In any case all previous season finales were about dealing with the aftermath of the season climax and pointing everyone towards their next season’s path, so why would they change that formula this time around.

    Arya reasserts herself as my favorite every season by simultaneously being such a heartbreaking character and also being such a badass.
    Bran is just really intriguing in how his abilities develop and where that and the Reeds take him.
    Sansa’s awesomeness lies in her ability to be utterly crushed emotionally and somehow still continue on and even develope some hope for herself before the next blow comes her way.
    Robb and Greywind…
    Clearly I got suckered in to being on the Starks’ side but that doesn’t stop me from loving characters from nearly all factions. The exception being of course the Freys. They need to all die horrible deaths.
    I’m constantly amazed that I’m rooting for all these people that seem to have no way of reconciling with others I’m also rooting for.

    I love all the references you put into your recaps. Though since I don’t recognize so many of them I’m starting to think I must be some inferior kind of nerd. I console myself in the knowledge that they are no doubt awesome and highly amusing.

    • *clutches your shoulders* GLEN YOU HAVE NO WIFI!?! That’s like hearing someone is in the desert without water!! D: If I could push a copy of this episode through my monitor and onto yours, I would.

      The quick bout of revenge Arya exacts is very satisfying – plus, it’s clearly a taste of what’s to come. I want her to grow, train, and then annihilate her enemies with a pure and righteous fury. I mean, I want to see that – and that means I want the time for that to happen to fully enjoy/appreciate the moment.

      Arya really is just an amazing character, hands down. So much growth, so many layers, so much emotional baggage that she shoulders (and it just keeps coming!). I definitely want more of Bran – I want to see him face challenges and show that Stark spirit. You nailed it with Sansa: she continues to have every hope and spark of happiness stomped out, and yet she can still make jokes with Tyrion, still seem like the happy girl she was at Winterfell – she has depths of strength we’re only beginning to realize.

      I really love all the characters, too! I mean, Frey is a shit, make no bones about it, but he’s enigmatic and engaging on my screen. I WANT to see the awful behavior, the cruel acts, the evil. I mean, it’s Game of Thrones, right? There is no way this ends happy.

      Oh, Glen, you’re a fine nerd! I’m just incredibly dorky. (I mostly fall back to Star Wars, Bethesda games, Dune, and song lyrics, because I was dropped on my head a lot as a child.) :)

      Thank you so, so much for sticking this season out with me. How are we going to deal with 10 months of no GoT?!

  • Lisa

    The White Savior stuff with Dany and all of the Southern People she keeps freeing is really troubling, but jeez, I can’t think of many fantasy/sci-fi books or series that aren’t written from a white man’s POV. It’s time for POC to rise up and start dominating that genre so there can be some fair (and non-racist) representation, for sure.

    If it helps there’s some stuff that definitely makes it seem that Martin knows that he’s gone into that territory. You feel that we’re SUPPOSED to notice that trope… so hopefully, the show is doing that as well.

    • Oh, Lisa, that is GREAT to hear that he’s not going the typical “point of view from my place of white male privilege” route. So far I’m not seeing that it’s going in a different way, but there is still SO much story left to tell. I don’t think of Dany as the typical “white savior” but that image was pretty…obvious.

      But again: I think this show has layers and depths that keep it from going those traditional routes, and I’m so looking forward to the next series.

      • Lisa

        To and through Book III the story is through Dany’s eyes alone, with that taken into account, it makes sense that we’ve basically seen everything through her eyes, and there is definitely some privilege at play.

        Still, I know I cheered Dany’s slave-freeing crusade in A Storm of Swords. In her eyes, having more or less been sold by Viserys in Book I, she fells that she knows what is to be a slave. What she’s doing she’s doing out of firm belief in what she thinks is right and just.

        But, as with everything, complications are inevitable, no?

        We tend to forget that Dany is also young and still has lessons to learn in order to be the total badas that she appears destined to become (which can be said of Arya as well. :)

        • I feel like there’s a common theme among women and slaves (to some degree) regarding not owning yourself. Obviously it’s different for someone like Cersei – who has all the food, clothing, luxuries in life she could want – vs. Shae or any of the people in Yunkai who could be easily killed for looking at the wrong person. Cersei and Dany have servants themselves, have guards, but Dany – until now – hasn’t owned herself. She was her father’s, then her brother’s, then Drogo’s. I get why her goal would be to free and liberate these people.

          I just want to make sure the show does it for the right reasons and remembers the position of privilege she’s coming from. But yes: she is young. She was VERY young when given to Drogo, and it’s not been that long since, so she’s what, around Sansa’s age? The problem is that she’s come so far we tend to forget! :D

  • Jesse

    Get ready for capslocking…

    1) CTRL F SWAGGER

    2) Like last week wasn’t enough, Ayra HAD to see Robb that way. I was scolding the television like a dog. “NO NO NO. BAD FORM BAD.”

    3) Joffrey’s scene? Honestly was hoping Tywin would make Joffrey’s head explode by just staring him down. UGH THAT LITTLE JERK.

    4) Between the Rat Cook story and the Salt/Bread tradition, easy to say that Frey is SCREWED. Looking forward to that…

    5) Okay. Ramsay is a HORRIBLE character, yes. But the actor? WOW. Love him. He was on “The Misfits” before this and is so stinkin’ WATCHABLE.

    6) HODOR!

    7) Missed the “Dick in a Box” joke. Was too busy shouting, “What’s in the box?! What’s in the boooooox?!”

    8) Why hasn’t Maggie Smith guest starred yet?? #random

    9) Bye, bye Shae. You can only blame yourself. :(

    10) Daenerys crowd surfing…hmm, was that a cross-like symbol she just made?

    THIS SHOW.

    • Every now and then I get a good joke in. Also, I’m a middle child so I need praise.

      Oh my gosh, poor Arya!! I am SO SO SAD that she saw her beloved brother that way. (And Jon better pull through!! Mostly because if he’s gone, there isn’t much sense in keeping Ygritte front and center. Well, they could, but it would take a lot of story telling to get there.)

      I bet if the camera had panned down slightly during the Small Council scene, we would have seen the exact moment when Joffrey’s bladder let go – that was an intense Tywin stare, DAMN.

      The Misfits, yes! And Joe Dempsie (Gendry) was on Skins, another great BBC show, too.

      JESSE I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUH-HUH-HUH-HUCH!!

  • Josie Morin

    I totally loved your Old Spice joke, so we are BFFS 4EVR OBS.

    I think the season ended perfectly. Perfectly.

    I laughed so hard when Joffrey was all, “I’m going to serve Robb’s head to Sansa at my wedding.” and Cersei was all, “erm…a ha ha..he jokes. Good one.” and Joffrey was all, “No. I’m serious. I’m totes going to do it and it’s going to be EPIC.”

    • JOSIE YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO LAUGHED. Which is why I am personally engineering a pony that feeds and cleans itself and poops cupcakes for you.

      I think it ended perfectly, too. I mean, I wish it didn’t END, but because it had to, I’m good with how it went out.

      Joffrey was not joking, not one little bit. He’d even put an apple in Robb’s mouth, I bet, and would jump up and down and point at it and is TOTALLY the guy that gets in her face and says in a mocking tone, “Aw, you gonna cry about it?” NO MOTHER FUCKER! *STABS HIM IN THE DICK*

      …I got a little carried away there. :D

      • Josie Morin

        YA CUPCAKES

        Sansa is lucky that she’s married to Tyrion cause the head eating would’ve happened.

  • Sue

    Look, some incestuous bint throwing thrones at you is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical drunken bait-and-switch in the bedroom ceremony. Hahahahaha! For all the times you and I have paraphrased and parodied “no basis for a system of government,” I give you the finger kiss of true perfection.

    Arya, indeed, has never wished more that there was a God in heaven, and was never more certain that they wasn’t.

    That entire scene with Joffrey gloating just made me want to shower. Silkwood style and/or by Piper Laurie with a steel wool loofah.

    TEN MONTHS! How will I make it? Maybe I’ll have another kid. It could pass the time…or there’s always macrame.

    • Oh, Sue, will The Holy Grail ever fail to produce a great quote in times of need? Of course not.

      I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW THE WHO’S MORE GRIZZLED SKIT. “Damn. You are grizzled!”

      Joffrey gloating and wanting to be the most weaselly of teats was just AWFUL because he means it, and they all KNOW he means it, and this is why we don’t have babies with our brothers, CERSEI. This, exhibit A. Because he may have been a happy baby, but bad will always out itself, won’t it? THERE IS A REASON WHY FOLGERCEST STOPPED WITH THEM SHARING COFFEE.

      Oooh, get on that having another kid! That’s a good time marker and in no way a burden. To me. You’re going to be swamped, but I’ll be excited at my end. :D *macrames an owl plant holder for you*

  • Great gif choices and recap and everything!

    I laughed out loud at Joffrey (I can’t help but call him Weaselteat in my head! You’ve infected my brain!) being all happy and hyper.

    I was a little annoyed about a few things in the last Dragonstone scene, because it looks like Mel changes her mind so fast when the larger fight is the real reason she went to Stannis in the first place. There’s a deleted scene from a previous episode in the season in which Melisandre explains this to Davos, too. rarr more consistency in your show, showrunners!

    I do like how the show made Shae so protective of Sansa as well as sure of her own choices, because in the books (at least from Tyrion’s POV) she was much less of a rounded character.

    I was both anticipating and dreading the appearance of Robbwind. aw man, Arya having to see that too…
    Arya’s scene was great, especially how she made her voice all high-pitched and innocent.

    yeah, the Dany crowdsurf thing was…eh…I like Dany but even with the greater ambiguity and awareness in the books, her storyline’s quite the white savior trope. Still, the situation will grow more complicated as the story progresses. And at least we see growing numbers for her supporters.
    Great inclusion of that Lonely Island song there, though, btw.

    It was great to see Yara getting her ship and crew ready to save her baby bro. And Sansa suggesting a prank. and Ygritte actually sticking to her guts and shooting Jon. and Davos and Shireen working out phonics.

    • hahaha, Thank you!! And I am SO HAPPY to know you call him Weaselteat. He is the roughened nipple of a rodent, that one. PLEH.

      Oh, see, I didn’t remember/pick up on Mel showing up with Stannis because of the White Walkers. From an Unsullied perspective, it struck me as her being canny and fast on her feet with regards to self-preservation and seeing the way things were going to go. So it didn’t feel inconsistent to me, but then again, I’ve not watched the deleted scenes, read the books, yadda. But I can see why someone would want more character insight into her, for sure.

      I LOVE that Shae pointed out how much she loves Sansa – I believe her. And I believe that makes it even harder to be where she is right now. One thing I love about omniscient POV is that we can see into so many more characters instead of just one person’s vision of them. I can’t imagine how this show would be different if they’d gone with the POV changes like I know they do in the books (anecdotally, of course).

      Arya totally rocked the “poor helpless me” bit, right? Man, I just love her more and more with every scene. I do love Dany, too (I mean, you read one recap here and you know I love her and Jorah – oh, Jorah…) but I need to see her doing more than liberation going into Season 4. I’m ready to see her fight, to have battles of wits, and MORE DRAGONS.

      The women in this ep were awesome. Ygritte sticking to it, yes. And oh, did it hurt her to do it, but she has to stand by her definition of honor! As did Yara – I’m really looking forward to more from her. She has Brienne potential for badassery. Oh, sweet Shireen. “Why is there a G in night?” “There just is.” Hahahaha.

  • Micha

    Okay, I certainly didn’t want to SEE it, but I can’t help but be annoyed at how blatant the HBO double standard is– we’re treated to countless bouncing breasts, but they won’t even show a cut off cock in a box? How much do you want to bet that if it was a lady who had lost a part, we would have been looking inside that box so fast. :(

    “Damn, Arya officially wins the “Who’s More Grizzled?” contest.” AAHAHHAHAHAHAHA PERFECTION

    I for one am SO GLAD Ygritte shot him. Honestly, she was standing there with her bow, and he was just talking, and I kept shouting SHOOT HIM JUST GO AHEAD AND SHOOT HIM!!!

    Also, Davos! :D Also also, Sansa. “shift” is the vulgar word for dung /o\ I just want to wrap her up in cotton wool and keep her someplace safe.

    • Hahaha! My guess is they didn’t show it because it would have looked like a grey worm (not Grey Worm) and no man can deal with the reality of their cock on a bed of velvet all sad. (Yes, it’s definitely a double standard. Weiners. Heh.)

      Seriously, Arya has entered the Harry Dean Stanton level of rough living.

      OMG, you are so bloodthirtsty to want Jon shot! I was expecting her to shoot and clip his cheek, or something, to prove that she could and would, and then RIDE AWAY WITH HIM. But wow, did not happen that way, huh? I love that she stuck to her guns, so to speak. Her arrows. :)

      SHIFT. Oh bless that sweet girl’s heart. And I love that Tyrion wants her to stay that sweet girl for as long as he can help it, too. He’s a good, solid dude in a terrible position.

  • Maxwell James

    OK, I may have missed the Old Spice joke, but I totally caught the Axe one from the week before (which still makes me laugh btw).

    I’ll admit that on first seeing Grey Wind’s head on Robb’s body, I thought it was that poor bear from the pit. And then I picked up a distinctly Donnie Darko vibe and was waiting for Tears for Fears to start playing.

    On a serious note: As for Dany the White Savior, others have hinted at future complications. I’ll just note that the vibe I got from that scene was itself complicated. Note the frequent cuts to shots of the Unsullied readying their weapons, the conflicted emotions in Jorah’s face, etc. Game of Thrones will never be as wise about race as it is about family, patriarchy, war, or class – but I think even someone who read the books can tell when something looks too good to be true in this show, it probably is. That’s as close as I’ll edge up to spoilerhood.

    Anyways, will miss your excellent recaps until next year, but will definitely tune in when you or your minions cover THE FINAL 8 of Breaking Bad, which I am allmooost caught up on.

    (PS – you need a new mug with Jorah on it).

    • (As long as you laugh, it’s heaven to my ears.) :D

      Okay, you know what? I thought briefly it was the bear’s head, too! Because I’d forgotten that Direwolves are massive. And then it clicked and I felt even more awful. “All around me are familiar Frey-ces, worn out places, worn out faces…”

      I have faith in the writers of this show, I really do. I’ve not felt like they’ve let me down or cheated me. I think we’re supposed to think it’s all wonderful with Dany because she’s smiling and beautiful, but in REALITY, we’re supposed to be very, very worried for her, being carried off on a sea of adulation as her right hand people gnaw their lips. Foreshadow? Portent? IDK, but that’s my guess as to where it’s going to be heading. “When something looks too good to be true in this show, it probably is.” That is the ONE THING you can count on with GoT, I believe: that you can’t count on anything. :)

      I would LOVE a mug with Jorah… Although my morning coffee would take a decidedly naughty turn. I am so happy that you’ve been reading and talking along with me for a few seasons now. I’m going to miss everyone during the break, but OH, how wonderful it will be to reunite in April! Thank you, Maxwell.

      (I still have so much of BB to catch up on, too!! maybe now I’ll have some spare time to watch other shows! I’m planning a series of recaps on female-centric action movies like Alien, T2, etc over the summer to keep me busy, as well.)

  • Gail

    OMG starting off with a Lonely Island reference. ILU so much, Laura. (My head provided the tune for the caption almost before I even realized what you did. So good.)

    Augh I have so many emotions about Shae, but I can’t explain them because spoilers! I really, really enjoy Conleth Hill as Varys in his scene with her. His commiseration and compassionate demeanor felt so genuine.

    Ygritte and Jon! Is it me, or did Jon’s accent get like ten times thicker in this episode? Talk about genuine-feeling emotions; I felt my heart breaking just from the looks on their faces!

    I’m not big on the Greyjoys, but I do like Yara and her decision was badass. I’m glad Theon’s got SOMEONE in his family on his side.

    Also Charles Dance is amazing. If this show turned into a solely Lannister drama where he’s in scene after scene glowering at various family members and sending them off with their tail between their legs, I’ll be honest, I’d absolutely watch that. Riveting stuff. xD

    I already miss this show (and your recaps!) It’s gonna be a long 10 months!

    • I mean, Lonely Island. I love them. (And their new album comes out tomorrow! You know they’re getting loads of press from everyone making Dick in a Box jokes.)

      I really like Shae and think she brings such a humanizing element to King’s Landing (and a much needed element at that) and worry for her, desperately. Yes, she loves Tyrion, and he her, but OH I don’t want her to be hurt! :( Varys has really become such a fascinating character this season. I think this is the one where he really shone brightest.

      Ha, I heard Jon’s accent get thicker, too! Then again, that might be the “I’m in pain oh my GOD ARROW!” (a la Ace Ventura) bringing the husky accent out. Oh, they both just hated the position they were in. A HOUSE DIVIDED! *cries*

      The Greyjoys are total wonks. Yara, though…I’m looking forward to learning more about her for sure. I’m all for lady pirates. TYWIN LANNISTER HAS THE MOST AMAZING STAGE PRESENCE. I think I’d watch an hourly show where he shamed people into slinking away, too. Hahahaha!

      <3 <3 <3 Thank you, Gail! It feels like school is letting out and who knows what's going to happen to us over summer! Here, lemme sign your yearbook: LYLAS! Ten months, oh my gosh. I... That is just too long. :(

  • Miss H.

    I too found this ep slightly underwhelming, but only when compared to the ‘high’ that was the previous one. I couldnt put the finger to the why of it it, just felt vaguely dissatisfied… but after reading your recap, I see the light! We got some answers, plenty of movement, everything seemed to be at the same spot, all linked up you know? The story is getting to a good place definitely! :)

    Cant wait for the next episode…scratch that commonly heard refrain, in this case, CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT SEASON! Well, that is not new… =/

    Dick in a Box…Motherlov…I cant even…what you doing to us Laura LOL?!!?!

    *May I add: Ser Jorah cuts such a fiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneee figure!!!!

    • I’m hearing from a lot of people that the Dany-crowd surfing scene left people feeling “meh” and I can understand that reaction. I was saying in a comment to Maxwell about how my final thought on that is how we the viewer are supposed to initially think it’s a lovely moment. But if you look at it without her pleased smile, it’s rather frightening. She’s being swept away by a crowd of passionately adoring people who have nothing but the need to please her – Jorah, Selmy and crew are visibly worried about her, and I think it means something really bad is about to happen. Or she’s about to believe her own hype and fall to ruin. (Nooooooo!)

      GAH, I wish these seasons came on sooner. Or were longer. Or… Basically I’m greedy. *gimmie hands* :D

      <3 (And I have to say that if Jorah Mormont and Roose Bolton ever spoke together in the same room, I might spontaneously give birth to a legion of dragons. GOOD LORD.) <3 <3 to you, thank you for all the support, feel free to chatter away, and THANK YOU.

  • Lee No

    Love your recaps, as always. Since I didn’t have the opportunity to comment on your recap last time let me just say as a book reader I am so glad that you didn’t get spoiled for the Red Wedding. It’s arguably the biggest spoiler out there.
    Your references are awesome – love whenever Fallout is referenced (I guess good guys like Robb can’t win because the game was rigged from the start). And I can’t unsee C3PO which is quite disturbing with that kind of attire.
    Also last week you mentioned House Stone, what would your sigil and motto be? ;)
    I so agree with you on this episode – it makes perfect sense to have a proper arc of suspense from a narrative standpoint. Finishing right after the climax is something network TV does to feel manly (or maybe get people to tune in next season?). I love that they don’t feel the need to cater to these mechanics.
    An interesting point for this season: Both Jaime and Theon have their identities utterly destroyed (Theon quite literally with the new name). And it will be so interesting to see their further development.
    Also, poor Arya… Even though the way she manipulated Frey Amateur Craftsman #3 was really creepy.
    And lastly, even though Stannis is in serious need for some yoga he is the only “king” taking the White Walker threat seriously.

    • Hey, Lee! Glad to see you back! And oh, how happy am I that I wasn’t spoiled for the Red Wedding either. That would have just ruined it, absolutely ruined it. Both the story and the experience and my emotional state. SO MUCH LOVE for all of my book readers that let me have that! <3

      (OMG, i am such a Bethesda fangirl, it's not even funny. And I need a new Fallout like I need AIR. Robb totally would have let Mr. Big live. That's a sucker's game, Robb!!)

      My sigil: a rock with a plate of nachos steaming, balanced on top. My motto: SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT TV!! ;D

      Ending on the Red Wedding would have felt so, so cheap. We all would have been in ruins - that's the sort of cliffhanger that turns people AWAY from a show. We needed the assurance that things are moving along somewhere, somehow. Arya getting her back up did that for me.

      What an awesome point about Jaime having his name destroyed - I hadn't even thought of it that way, but you're absolutely right. He is no longer the Kingslayer (and I would imagine he's no longer on the Kingsguard?). He walked through the common entrance to King's Landing as nothing more than a dirty nuisance for a merchant's servant. I can't wait to see him cleaned up and find out the fall out for him having lost his hand.

      Stannis IS the only one taking it seriously - but then, I think he's the only one we've seen open and read the message from Castle Black (but then, I guess the Wildlings/Mance doesn't count).

      I am going to really struggle with not picking up the books during this hiatus, I think. GAH.

  • Aaron L

    What a great season of the show and your recaps.. (couple more months for Walking dead now AHHHH) I thought this ep ended perfect… After last week, this episode made you feel like ok life does go on, there are still things looking up for some, and ALOT of irons in the fire. Most importantly this episode made me cant wait for next season.

    This recap was SOO funny that id have to just copy and paste the whole recap to put in my message to point out the funniest ones. so instead I just copy and pasted such a wonderful song for you written by Theon ;)

    Hey Balon I got somethin’ real important to give you. So just sit down and listen
    Dad you know we havent been together in such a long long time(Such a long time)And now I’m ready to lay it on the line.. Wow, you know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide(Open wide)Gonna give you something so you know what’s on my mind(What’s on my mind)
    A gift real special, so take off the top……. Take a look inside it’s my dick in a box……..It’s in a box
    Not gonna get you an Iron Throne.. That sort of gift don’t mean anything.. Not gonna get you a fancy Ship.. Dad, ya gotta know you’re the shit…
    Not gonna get you a castle in the hills.. A dad like you needs somethin’ real…. Wanna get you somethin’ from the heart.. Somethin’ special dad
    It’s my dick in a box…. My dick in a box pa.. It’s my dick in a box… Ooh, my dick in a box…..
    See I’m wise enough to know.. When a gift needs givin’, and I got just the one.. Somethin’ to show ya that you are second to none
    To all the fellas out there with Dads to impress.. It’s easy to do just follow these steps
    1, cut your dick off, oohlala
    2, put your junk in a box, oh ya
    3, make Pops open that box… Boo ya
    And that’s the way you do it
    It’s my dick in a box.. My dick in a box … It’s my dick in a box…Ooh, oww, oww, OWWWW!!!!! that HURTS!!!! my dicks in a box Dad don’t you love me now????

    • WALKING DEAD!! I needed GoT to start when it did to help me get over the withdrawal from zombies, and now I have NOTHING. D: (I’m so happy you’ve stuck with through both shows!)

      I’m SUPER GLAD to hear that you enjoyed how they tied up this episode, as well. I can’t imagine how they could have done it any differently – plus, ending with Daenerys is a bit of a theme. (And how different each season has been for her!)

      And HAHAHAHAHA, oh, poor Theon. Your smooth jam with a combination of Color Me Badd and Jodeci moves hide your pain, but I know it’s there. I know. At least now he’ll no longer jizz. in. his pants. (No jizz in his pants, no jizz in his pants!)

      Thank you, Aaron – I’ve really appreciated sharing this show with you.

  • Mike

    Since you’re Python-savvy enough to work it into the Joffrey conversation, you probably won’t be surprised to know that I couldn’t help but think of Davos and Gendry swapping poor-mouth stories in the dungeon as a two of the Four Yorkshirman

    • Graham Chapman’s wistful, “…luxury,” never fails to crack me the hell up. And boy, am I sad I didn’t think of that! Thank goodness you did.

      YOU CAN ADD TWO MILLION POINTS TO YOUR AWESOME COLUMN, SIR. <3

  • Laura Rezko

    Okay okay okay, if you ever decide to get into another show, I would DIE of happiness if you started reviewing Fringe. I’ve had my mind blown and my heart broken so many times watching that show. Watch the before credits scene of the first episode- I defie you not to at least be intrigued. ANYWAYS, BACK TO GoT!

    George R.R. Martin had some things to say about fans’ reactions to last week’s episode:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFfP4gZGpok&list=LLGQz8EadmssclaTPYVYYSDQ&feature=mh_lolz

    An excellent- if quieter- season finale.

    Joffrey’s foot stamping and “I am THE KING”- oh god, shut up, you big baby. I wanted Tyrion to give him a Triple Slap again- but his comment about being careful around monsters because kings have been losing their heads recently? Brilliant. That whole scene was everything I wanted(minus the slapping).

    Poor, poor Arya. I have to admire her not going completely catatonic at the things she’s seen. Your references to Jacquar? Wahhhhh. I hope they meet again. I like your interpretation of Arya’s, ” Yes. The first.” I read it as the first MAN she killed, as the first person she killed was that boy as she was escaping Kings Landing.

    Holy crap, the scene between Jon and Ygritte? Bam, right to the heart! And the way she said, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Absolute perfection, like you said. I gasped when she actually shot him! I’m really glad she did, though, and stuck to her guns.

    Davos and Gendry! I love these two characters already, but I also really love their faces. I just can’t describe it! I mean, they’re handsome to begin with but then there’s that undefinable something that I can’t look away from. To have so much interaction between them was such a treat.

    Also, I’ve been watching clips from Anne of Green Gables and I think that if they ever redid it, Joe Dempsey(Gendry) would make a great Gilbert.

    Speaking of Old Spice(I laughed at your reference last week, yes I did!), i was reminded of this when Gendry was plopped in the boat:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCG5q7BTBi8

    But what had me the most emotional was the (disappointally short but amazing) scene between Jamie and Brienne. It felt like an ending, and I guess it was, in way, EXCEPT! Brienne still has that oath to fullfill. Catelyn may be dead and Riverrun not safe, but there’s still the Aerie! With Littlefinger and Lysa in it- yerghh. But still! How will Brienne get Sansa out, and how will Jamie help her? I CAN’T WAIT to see how that plays out!

    • If Joffrey had been slapped, oh, that would have been amazing. I wonder which hurts more, the sting from your uncle’s hand or the slavering woe that your grandfather could kill you without batting an eye? One of those lasts longer…

      OH MY GOSH, JOE DEMPSIE AS GILBERT!!! True story, Gilbert Blythe was my first literary love. Oh, the crush I had on Dr. Blythe… I would pay good money to see that, let me tell you. Joe makes a WONDERFUL Gilbert, I think!

      I LONG to see what happens with Brienne now that they’re in King’s Landing! I imagine Tywin will treat her with great respect for insuring Jaime made it home, but I want to knooooooooooooow!!

      *clings to you*
      *for ten months*
      *sorry*

  • Aaron L

    Yes, I thought they ended this season almost perfectly.. They let us know theres so much in store for us next season. Plus we got a lil vindication with arya taking her aggression out (granted not on who wed like, but still it felt good) And Dany has come SO FAR from her brothers whipping sis. Its Amazing to see how shes grown, and how they’ve nailed it from book to show.

    Ive been working tons of OT the last couple weeks, so I havent been able to comment on your hilarious wit as much as Id like, and do my normal rambles full of TMI ;) but that doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed your recaps to say the least….Besides how wonderful these shows are the next best thing for me is your recaps, and discussing and sharing them with you and your flock. Now if only we could all have a get together for beers and wings and have a GOT, WD banter and throw in a movie/tv/song quote game of the ages ;)

    Color Me Badd and Jodeci….. Old school baby.. We just need some PM Dawn and Keith Sweat and we’re set.. “I wanna go outside….. in the raiiin”

    No No No Thank You Laura.. for this fab site where we all can come and enjoy ourselves and laugh, cry, and vent our frustations at the shows we love.

    ps one thing to look forward to in WD………. NO FULL ANDREA !!!! WOOHOOO !!!! ;)

    • Gosh, to think about Dany as the innocent girl who was manhandled by her brother… Wow, has that character become someone amazing.

      Aww, Aaron, all of that flattery is just going to get you to the top of my list for “favorite commenters to benefit from my Last Will and Testament.” Expect some old notebooks and worn out shoes one day. THEY WILL BE GIVEN WITH LOVE.

      THERE NEEDS TO BE A CON. A beer-n-wings-n-fandom Con! (And add a million points to your Music Appreciation column for saying PM Dawn to me. I. Love. PM. Dawn. I like my jams slow and trippy, yo.

      HAHAHA, I had almost forgotten no Full Andrea! (Always go half!) And now I’m going to need to watch Tropic Thunder. This is not a problem for me.

      <3

  • Aaron L

    WOOOOHOOOO!!!!! Old notebooks , and worn out shoes…. MY FAVORITE!!!! :)

    Oh Yeah gotta love some PM Dawn