Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1×01 – Welcome to the Hellmouth

 

Screen Shot 2013-09-15 at 1.34.04 PM

Well, hello there! Welcome to my recaps of a little show called ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? I bet you have. I bet you’ve watched it, read fanfics, ran a website dedicated to the show, owned the box set, joined forums, made fan vids, written fanfics, made long term friends from the fandom and had countless hours of conversations about the show, namely: Bangel vs. Spuffy. No? Just me then?

Oh. Ohhhhh.

Seriously though. No show has ever made such an impact on my life like this one. I’ve loved and enjoyed shows since this one but never have I been so involved and drawn in like I was with BTVS. Things have changed a lot since the show ended and it’s time to take a walk down memory lane. Join me on this ride into Nostalgia Town!

 

Someone’s breaking into Sunnydale High.  Oh look! It’s a douchebag and a blonde, innocent, girly-voiced schoolgirl. The douchebag smashes a window and they crawl into the science lab. The girl is timid and worried. She doesn’t think this is a good idea but the guy thinks this is the best idea he’s had since graduating from this dump. He’s pumped to party in his old school but she’s ever so timid and insists she heard a noise. Douchebag plays tough and assures her that no one’s there except the three of them: him, her, and his lovemaking penis.  “Are you sure?” she breathes. He is. Excellent! She whips her head around to reveal that -DEEDLE-BONG- she’s an evil vampire and she’ll be drinking all his blood tonight. Sorry, penis.

This is not the face you want to see right before making sweet, sweet love

This is not the face you want to see right before you make sweet, sweet love. Or maybe you do. Perverts.

CREDITS OMG

 

It’s Buffy! She’s dreaming of scary things: scary candles, scary graveyards, scary books, scary vampires…you know, the usual dreams people have. There’s a close-up of a particularly ugly vampire and Buffy wakes up, startled. She’s surrounded by unpacked boxes and her Mom calls up  that she doesn’t want to be late for school on her first day and that is NOT Joyce’s voice. Be quiet, fake Joyce! Buffy is not thrilled.

Joyce drops Buffy off at school and tries being supportive and sweet. Oh, and Buffy? Try not to get kicked out of this school. Buffy promises and walks up the steps. Way to be supportive, Mom.

As Buffy walks up the steps she’s so pretty that a boy riding by on a skateboard gets distracted and smashes into the handrail. It’s Xander, and we’ll never, ever see him riding a skateboard again. This is probably for the best. A girl in a terrible, childish outfit stops to smile at Xander as he lies on the cement. It’s Willow! Hi Willow! Aw, all my old friends are here. Including Jesse, who joins the two with talk of the ‘new girl’.

Buffy is in the principal’s office. Mr. Flutie is very nice and very fair. He rips Buffy’s transcripts up and says everyone can get a clean start, even girls that…he reads the torn pieces and seems to change his mind. Buffy is dismayed to see him tape the pieces back together. He’s alarmed to read about Buffy burning down the gym at her previous school and Buffy tries to explain that she burned it down cause it was full of vampi-ASBESTOS. Asbestos. Lots of bad asbestos. Mr. Flutie doesn’t seem convinced.

Leaving the office, Buffy is bumped into and drops some stuff out of her bag. Xander comes rushing over to help pick up her stuff and introduces himself. He’s floppy-haired and charming in his Xander way and as Buffy walks away he realizes that she forgot…her…stake. Erm.

This shot spawned a thousand dirty captions

This shot spawned a thousand dirty captions and a thousand dirty fanfics.

Later, in class, Buffy meets Cordelia. Cordelia is nice to her and wants her to join her group because Buffy seems cool and is from L.A. Buffy is thrilled to have a new friend until they walk up to Willow and Cordelia shows off her superpower: clever, biting humiliation to anyone she deems uncool. “Willow! Nice dress. Good to see you’ve seen the softer side of Sears.”

Cordelia tells Buffy she needs to identify who’s a loser and Buffy pretends to agree as she watches Willow scurry away. They make plans to meet up later at the Bronze and parts ways. Buffy does not like Cordelia. Just wait, Buffy. Just wait till you see what they do to her character in ‘Angel’.

Buffy needs to get some textbooks and pops over to the library. Hey, guess who Buffy meets in there? GILES. I LOVE YOU GILES XXX OOO FOREVER. Mr. Giles is thrilled she’s there and, grinning like an idiot, he plops a giant book on the counter for her.

Screen Shot 2013-09-17 at 10.22.39 PMOMGWTFBBQ
                                          OMGWTFBBQ

 

Buffy reacts like he just showed her nudie pictures and says that’s not the book she was looking for. Giles is confused and before he knows it Buffy’s booked it right outta there. Byeeee!

Two girls are getting ready for gym class and gossiping about ‘the new girl Buffy’. Buffy already has a rep for starting fights in her old school. Poor Buffy. This won’t be the last time I type those two words. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? *mutters about season seven youlittlesonofa-* Oh. Right. Recap.

Anyways, one of the girls opens her gym locker and the dead douchebag from the opening falls out right on top of her. She screams for, like, 40 seconds straight.

Willow is eating lunch, alone. Buffy walks over and introduces herself. Willow is confused and a little frightened by her friendliness. One does not simply walk into Sunnydale and befriend both Cordelia AND geek Willow. Buffy tempts Willow by asking her to help her get caught up on her classes. Willow almost wets her pants in excitement-she LOVES TUTORING. Buffy turns down her offer of meeting in the library to study, saying that place gives her the wiggins. Of course Willow totally loves the library and the new librarian, who actually just got here and used to be the curator of some British museum and he totally knows everything and brought lots of books and totally isn’t here for secret reasons only known by himself and maybe Buffy. Totally.

Xander and Jesse show up and Xander rambles on in his Xander way. He returns Buffy’s stake to her and she says it’s her L.A. protection. It’s like pepper spray. Being dumb teenagers, they completely fall for it.

Cordelia runs over to tell them about the super dead person in the gym locker rooms.  Buffy asks how he died and if there were any marks on him but Cordy doesn’t know. Buffy runs off and Cordelia thinks her reaction is pretty creepy.

The door to the gym is locked but that’s nothing for our hero Buffy. She rips it open, runs inside, and finds the body just left there, alone, with no police or police tape or body bag. I guess they haven’t gotten there yet. Buffy pulls the blanket covering the body away and sees the tell-tale puncture holes on his jugular. “Ohhh…great,” she groans.

Buffy marches right to the library to tell this Mr. Giles that she wants no part of any of this. It’s her first day, for heaven’s sake! Well, too bad, missy. Giles is gonna tell her how it is.

SAY THE WORDS, GILES. SAY THEM.

BUFFY: Why can’t you people just leave me alone?
GILES: Because you are The Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill-
BUFFY: (Interrupts) –and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah blah blah I’ve heard it, okay?

Giles is confused. He thought she’d accepted this fate as she’s slain vampires before. Buffy wants to move on. Giles gets all dorky and excited and starts pulling out books, explaining that he thinks this area is a center of mystical energy. I love you, Giles. *whispers* I love you.

GILES: Zombies. Werewolves. Incubi. Succubi. Everything you’ve ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn’t be by the light of the day. They’re all real.
BUFFY: What, did you send away for the Time Life series?
GILES: Uh…well…y-yes.
BUFFY: Did you get the free phone?
GILES: Um. The calendar.
BUFFY: Cool!

Hahaha, oh how I love this show.

Buffy tries to convince Giles to kill the vampires himself, but Giles points out that he’s a Watcher. He’ll train her, prepare her. Buffy counter-points that being a Slayer blows. You get kicked out of school, lose your friends, fight for your life and tell no one so as to keep them out of danger. She storms off with Giles following her out of the library. Xander, who’s there to get a book for studying, pokes his head around the corner. He’s heard everything and is completely confused. Yeah, ok. I believe the part about vampires, werewolves, witches etc, but there’s no way I’m gonna believe Xander was voluntarily in the library, no matter what he told his study-buddy Willow.

In the hall, Giles tries to convince Buffy that something really, really quite bad is going to happen. He knows it. Buffy isn’t swayed. After all, this is Sunnydale. How bad an evil can there be????

*CAMERA PANS DOWN TO A GIANT EVIL VAMPIRE LAIR IN A CANDLELIT CAVERN UNDER SUNNYDALE HIGH*
Oh. Ohhhhh.

Buffy’s trying to get ready to go to the Bronze, but all she has to wear is a leather slutty dress or a flowered Laura Ingalls dress. First world problems, am I right? Joyce comes in to give her a pep talk and Buffy feels better. Aww. Buffy vows to only hang out with non-vampire slaying people. I’m sure that will work out just fine.

Off to the Bronze. Buffy walks down the dark streets and immediately realizes she’s being followed. She tries to lose the guy by ducking down a dark, deserted alleyway but discovers it’s a dead end. Oh noes! The creeper walks in, looking for her, but she’s nowhere to be seen. Is this the end of our girl Buffy? Of course not. In fact, it’s just the beginning of Buffy’s gymnastic career!

And we'll never see her do something like this again!

And we’ll never see her do something like this again!

Buffy does a little fancy handstand on a handily-placed pipe, swoops down, and kicks the creeper in the back. The creeper does a somersault and lands on his back. Buffy straddles him and oh, did I say creeper? I meant young, hot guy in a dress shirt and fancy coat. It’s Angel, but Buffy doesn’t know his name yet. Oh David Borenannas, you are so young and baby faced!

Angel is so beautiful that it gives him a headache

Angel is so beautiful that it gives him a headache

David Borinaze/Angel wants to help her kill all the vamps but Buffy doesn’t want to kill any vamps. She just wants to be left alone and live a normal life yadda yadda. Angel warns her that she’s standing at the mouth of hell and The Harvest is about to happen. He tosses her a small box and tells her to get ready, then walks away all cocky-like. Buffy opens the box to reveal a huge silver cross. ROMANCE.

Well, here we are at the Bronze. A long-haired grunge-looking band is playing. The crowd loves it. My Google skills tell me they’re called ‘Sprung Monkey’ and I approve of this band name. Buffy feels a little lonely and is thrilled when a guy waves at her. She enthusiastically waves back. HA, Buffy. That guy was totes waving to the person behind you. Buffy is sad cause she’s a loser. No worries though, she finds Willow and joins her. Willow has shown up cause she was hoping Xander might make an appearance. Oh Willow. You’re so insecure and stammer-y! Also, what are you wearing?? It’s terrible. Get ready for me to say this, about everyone, through all seven seasons. All. Seven. Of. Them.

Willow and Buffy bond. Willow tells how she used to date Xander when they were five but hasn’t dated anyone since. It’s been a dry spell. Willow thinks Buffy must have no problem talking to guys. Buffy tells her her philosophy: life is short. Seize the moment cause tomorrow you might be dead. Willow thinks this morbid way of thinking is ‘nice’. Willow may be a genius but she’s also clueless.

Buffy spots Giles lurking up in the balcony in a lurky manner and trots over to tell him that she already knows about The Harvest. Giles is all, the what now? Who told you this? Huh? Buffy thought the hot guy was Giles’ pal, but he has no idea who David Boreface/Angel is. Buffy insists that she very much does not like the handsome stranger who wants to help her. ROMANCE.

Giles looks at the crowd over Buffy’s shoulder and my pervert mind goes straight to future balcony scenes. Because I am a pervert. Also, this shot of Buffy and Giles is probably what started the Buffy/Giles ship. Just sayin’.

This does not come across as 'Fatherly'

This does not come across as ‘Fatherly’

 

And neither does this

And neither does this

Giles plays reverse psychology. There’s probably nothing happening. Perhaps nothing is coming. I mean, it’s not like Buffy’s having The Nightmares, right? Damn you, you clever hot British stud you.

Cordelia is in the club, being Cordelia. Jesse shows up and hits on her. He is soundly rejected. Poor Jesse. No worries, I’m sure we’ll have many more seasons of him where we’ll watch his flirting skills improve. Many more.

Back up in the balcony, Giles challenges Buffy to hone her Slayer skills. He wants her to reach out with her mind, feel for vampires in the room. Buffy scans the crowd and points happily, “There’s one!” Giles is skeptical but Buffy scoffs. Only someone living underground would think that rolled up jacket and terrible shirt was still in fashion. Duh. But hold on a tic, who’s the vamp in the bad outfit talking to?? Oh noes, it’s Willow. Finally, someone with a worst outfit!

No-Style vamp leads Willow out of the Bronze. Looks like Willow’s gonna seize more than just the moment, AMIRITE? Buffy takes off after them, searching in a quiet hallway. Something startles her and Buffy whirls to stake but it isn’t the vampire. It’s something way more dangerous: Cordelia. Cordy is unimpressed and makes sure to call everyone she knows to tell her about how violent and crazy Buffy is. Buffy knows it’s the end of her barely budding social life. Oh well.

Buffy goes off to find Willow, passing Jesse on the way out. He’s found another girl to flirt with. “What did you say your name was?” he asks the blonde. She turns in her chair and smiles. “Darla.” It’s the vampire schoolgirl from the beginning. Shit just got real.

Speaking of getting real, here’s the big evil underground vampire lair.  A vampire slowly rises out of a pool of blood and he’s pretty scary looking. It’s the Master and he’s weak. We know this cause he keep bellyaching about it. Luke, his vampire minion, tells him that the Harvest is almost here and soon he will be free. The Master sighs and reaches out, making the air shimmer and warp. There’s some sort of invisible, mystical barrier imprisoning The Master in his underground lair. He’s hungry as well as weakened and requests something young to eat. Mmmm. They gaze at each other and grin.

ROMANCE

ROMANCE

Willow’s walking with the vampire Buffy pointed out at the Bronze. She’s rambling in her nervous Willow way. She thinks they’re going to the ice cream bar. OH WILLOW. Really? The ice cream bar? Really? She points out that it’s in the other direction and he says he knows a short cut. She follows him. WILLOW. COME ON.

Buffy still can’t find Willow. When she runs into Xander she asks him if he knows where Willow would go, but Xander’s too interested in talking about this whole Slayer thing.  Buffy says that Willow’s going to be dead if they don’t find her. Xander shuts the hell up and starts helping.

Bad Fashion Vamp takes Willow to a graveyard and Willow’s finally decided this is kinda strange. She doesn’t want to go inside the crypt he leads her to so the vamp just roughly shoves her in. Rude! Willow tries to leave but vamp Darla shows up and blocks her escape. Guess who Darla’s brought? It’s Jesse and he’s pretty woozy from that massive hickey she gave him. Darla’s about to give Willow a special vamp hickey too but no worries! Buffy shows up to save the day. She easily stakes Bad Fashion vamp and he groans and moans in a dramatic manner, finally falling to the ground and dusting into nothing. Darla is completely shocked by this. They fight as Xander and Willow drag Jesse to safety.

Buffy’s having fun making Buffy quips and punching Darla until vampire minion Luke surprises her. He grabs her by the back of the neck and rather casually flings her across the room. Luke is pissed at Darla cause she couldn’t even bring The Master a tasty treat and sends her away. Darla claims that Buffy is strong and scurries off, scared.

Xander, Willow and Jesse manage to run about ten steps in the graveyard before they bump into a whole gang of vamps. Well. They didn’t get far. Darla joins them and grins nastily.

Luke, drunk with power and self-importance, starts to toss Buffy around like a rag doll. He tells Buffy all sorts of important things about the Harvest, as most bad guys like to do when they think they’re invincible. Ha. Dumbass. This Harvest thing sounds really awesome for vampires but not so hot for humans. You know, blood flowing like wine, the Earth belonging to the Old Ones, Hell coming to town. The usual stuff.

As he spills all sorts of helpful clues, Giles sits in the library and reads, finding out all he can about this Harvest thingy.

Luke gets all in Buffy’s personal space and throws her into a giant stone coffin/sarcophagus, complete with rotted silk and a skeleton. Buffy’s scared and slowly lifts her head to see where Luke went. Surprise, bitch! Luke jumps in and ever so slowly lowers his head to bite Buffy. DRAMA OMG. The shot freezes with a cheesy ‘To Be Continued’ font.

Most dramatic TBC you will ever witness in your LIFE

Most dramatic TBC you will ever witness in your LIFE

What? HAHAHAHAHAHAH I do NOT remember this ending.

 

Tune in next week for part two!

 

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2 Responses to Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1×01 – Welcome to the Hellmouth

  1. I never get tired of reading/talking about Buffy. I look forward to this. Bad clothes and all.

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