Previously: Buffy moved to Sunnydale, where nothing unusual could ever, ever happen. Vampires show up and act like total jerks. Buffy goes to rescue Willow, Xander and Jessie but gets her ass kicked. We experience the worst freeze-frame ending known to mankind.
We pick up where we left off last week. Buffy, tossed in a sarcophagus, is about to be Luke the Minion’s delicious dinner. She struggles but can’t seem to break free. I’m distracted by how pretty her eye shadow looks, but that’s just me. Priorities, people!
Anyways, Luke is getting closer, closer, closer…when suddenly he jerks back in pain. There’s a sizzling sound and we see that the silver cross necklace Angel/David Béarnaise gave Buffy has fallen out of her pocket and onto her neck. She kicks Luke off her and takes off to find the others.
Buffy runs through the graveyard and finds Willow. A vamp is on her and she’s about to be bitten. That vamp gets a boot to the face and runs off like a coward. Wuss! Buffy then sees an unconscious Xander being dragged away by more vamps. Willow calls out to him, distracting the vamps for a moment. Buffy stakes one with a tree branch but they don’t show him dust. Not in the budget yet!
Hey, where’s Jesse? Xander says the blonde vamp dragged him off. Ah, no worries, I’m sure he’ll be fine.
The next day the three pals are in the library with Giles. Giles is giving them a lesson about demons and vampires, as in, yeah, they totally exist and they made more of their kind by biting humans. Xander doesn’t want to believe it and Willow is queasy. Buffy says she tried to make excuses about what was happening when she saw her first vampire too. I mean, he could just have rabies, right?
Buffy’s icing her elbow and wearing the huge cross Angel/David BourneIdentity gave her. She’s not taking any more chances!
Jesse is dragged before The Master as an offering. Darla happily says he’s a good one cause his blood is pure. The Master says, “You’ve tasted it?” and Darla practically wets herself in fear. Daddy’s not pleased! He hates being stuck underground while the others come and go as they please. His ascension is almost at hand and he may not be kind to Darla when that happens. Darla begs for forgiveness. They had others but there was this girl…
Luke the Minion confirms this. He tells The Master the girl fought well and knew of their race. The Master seems interested. “A Slayer!” He can’t remember the last time Luke fought someone and that person lived. Luke looks shamefaced. He can. 1843, in Madrid. Luke is pretty old.
Either way, The Master doesn’t want the Slayer interfering with the Harvest, whatever that is. He knows she’ll come to them to find Jesse. Guess who’s been upgraded from dinner to bait? Hint: Jesse. It’s Jesse.
Giles continues with his lessons. Buffy’s a Slayer, don’t tell anyone. Willow wants to call the police but Buffy disagrees. They would only show up with guns and get eaten. She’s frustrated cause she can’t find where they took Jesse. Giles is sure they went underground but Buffy didn’t see any access. She knows vamps love sewer systems. Xander happens to know there’s an electrical tunnel that runs under the entire town. Well, that’s handy for the vamps. Willow knows how to find maps of this cause she’s a smart nerd and ahahahahahahahaha the next shot literally made me LOLZ:
Willow is so smart and clever and has ‘accidentally’ decrypted the city council’s security system. You know, so she can look at all these interesting things like…um…well, she can now find the tunnel maps so they can find the vamp lair. Score!
Buffy’s busy blaming herself for Jesse’s disappearance. She should’ve been on top of things, but Luke the Minion came out of nowhere and…wait…
Yes. Joss Whedon did a FLASHBACK.
A FLASHBACK, in BLACK AND WHITE, showing Luke pop up behind Buffy, grab her by the neck, and toss her against the wall. Just in case we all had a stroke and couldn’t remember that happening last week. Thanks, Joss. I bet the network made him put that in.
Xander’s ready to help but Buffy wants him to stay out of it. It’s too dangerous. Xander takes it hard and feels it’s a blow to his manhood. Haha, I said ‘manhood’.
Willow also wants to help but isn’t sure how little ole her could be useful. Giles tells her to help him research the Harvest by using that ‘dread machine’. He’s so British. And still seems to have that over the shoulder lurking issue.
Buffy leaves to find Jesse. She’s going to bring him back! She marches off to leave the school grounds and is immediately caught by Principal Flutie who tells her she better not be trying to sneak off on her second day. He locks and closes the gate and leaves. Buffy easily jumps over the ten foot-or-so tall fence and takes off.
Xander and Willow bond over the huge vampire secret they now share. Xander’s still itching to take off and help Buffy and prove that he’s a MAN. Oh Xander, you don’t have to prove anything. Willow loves you. And so do I. So do I.
Buffy checks out the mausoleum and guess who’s there, sneaking up behind her back and rolling up his fancy white shirt cuffs and being all cocky and stuff?
Buffy totes knew Angel/David BoraBora was behind her cause she has spidey sense. They banter and flirt and he finally tells her his name: ANGLE. Oh, I mean, ANGEL. She thinks it’s a pretty name. It’s as pretty as him. ROMANCE.
Angel tries to stop her from going through the door leading to the evil lair. He says that the Harvest is tonight and The Master will walk free…unless Buffy can prevent it. So why don’t you prevent it, Buffy asks? Angel isn’t quite yet his established broody character and says, sarcastically, “Because I’m afraid.” Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll see the grimacing, downer Angel we all know and love soon enough.
Buffy demonstrates her love of kicking down doors by kicking down the door. She has to go help her friend. She asks Angel if he knows what it’s like to have a friend and Angel gets the saddest puppydog look on his face. He’s never had a friend :’( :’( :’(
After a few moments of sad staring at each other, Angel tells Buffy to turn left when she finds the tunnels, towards the school, to find the vamps. She asks him to wish her luck but he just stares at her in a forlorn manner until she turns and disappears through the doorway. Finally he whispers, “Good luck.” ROMANCE.
Buffy ever so slowly walks through the tunnels, avoiding squeaky rats and not once questioning who changes the light bulbs on the walls. She rounds a corner and bumps right into Xander – XANDER!? Why aren’t you in class, young man? She tells him to go away but he stubbornly refuses. He has no interest in Chem class and will even risk death to avoid it. Sounds like me in high school.
Giles is in the library, researching. He reads something important. I know this because he makes a frowny Giles face and puts his glasses back on. Meanwhile, Willow is researching during her computer class instead of doing her assignment. She can hear Cordelia gossiping about Buffy. Cordy embellishes what happened, saying that Buffy ran at her with a stake, screaming that she was going to kill Cordelia. Willow pipes up and says Buffy isn’t a psycho. Cordelia turns her nastiness onto her so Willow leaves, but not before helpfully telling Cordelia to press ‘deliver’ on her keyboard to save her work. Cordy falls for it and presses ‘DEL’. Oh noes!
Back in the tunnels, Buffy and Xander find Jesse lying on the ground, chained by the ankle. Buffy breaks him free and they run through the halls, meeting vamps at every turn. Luckily Jesse recalls how the vamps brought him in and leads the way out. Oh, did I say way out? I meant to a dead end room. Jesse, you’re the worst. He’s doubly the worst cause he’s also now a vampire and is really pleased to be one. He’s also planning on killing Xander and Buffy despite all the good times Jesse and Xander had.
Even though she’s super-strong and stuff, Buffy struggles forever to close the giant metal door in their room. This is bad news as more vamps are ever so slowly strolling towards them. Come on, Buffy! Put your back into it! She tosses Jesse out the doorway, knocking over the group of vamps and buying them a few precious seconds. Xander helps and they finally manage to close and bolt the door. The vamps bang on it angrily.
Xander spots a grate on the ceiling and Buffy pries it open so they can escape. They climb up and scramble through the air ducts as the vamps break through the door and crawl after them. Buffy and Xander finally emerge…in a…power station…that we’ll never see again.
The Master is really mad about the whole letting the Slayer get away thing. He belittles his group and vows to kill Buffy when he reaches the surface. Then he stabs the vampire that brought him the news of the escape right through the eye. Never be the messenger, guys.
Ceremony time! Luke the Minion takes off his leather jacket, revealing his strong, vampy arms. So dreamy! The Master reaches his own arm out and Luke kisses his hand then bites and drinks from The Master’s wrist. It’s like the vampire version of blood brothers as Luke is now one with The Master. That doesn’t sound good. The Master draws a three-pointed symbol in blood on Luke’s forehead so now he’s the coolest vamp in the group. The others are totes jelly.
Buffy and Xander return to the library and break the bad news about Jesse. Giles breaks the bad news that it’s the end of the world and BTW, Sunnydale is on the Hellmouth. Oh, and The Master is really, really powerful and is about to try and get onto the surface. Tonight’s the Harvest and it only happens but once a century. A vamp with a symbol on him will drink and drink and drink and The Master will absorb the power and be free as a genie with his bottle rubbed.
Where could the vamps go tonight to feed? Duh. The Bronze. They make plans to meet there, right after Buffy stops at home for supplies.
Of course Mom Joyce picks tonight to be firm and decides to ground Buffy for staying out late last night and sneaking off school ground today. Well, great. Hello? End of the world? God, parents, am I right?
Joyce leaves and Buffy promptly grabs her vamp killing supplies that are hidden in a trunk in her room. She sneaks out the window. Byeeee.
The Bronze. Cordy’s there being her usual hilarious bitchy self. But what’s this? Vamp Jesse is there too, and he has his vampire sights set on turning her. He uses his newfound undead confidence and pulls Coredelia onto the dance floor for a slow song. She can’t resist and I don’t blame her cause rowr, Jesse. Rowr.
A HUGE bouncer is standing outside the Bronze doors, counting money.
There’s so much wrong with this moment.
- Why does The Bronze need a bouncer that huge at the door? The guy looks like a freak of nature. It’s THE BRONZE. Underage kids get to go there along with legal drinking age people wtf how wild can it be
- Why is the bouncer counting a wad of cash? Is he taking cover charge? If so, then why is he taking cover charge outside?
- Why is he doing two jobs?
- Why is he counting cash outside??
- Why? Why God why?
Darla merrily leads the group of vamps up to the door, where our bouncer stands, still busily counting money. He’s so busy, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice their distorted vamp faces and demands I.D. Luke growls at him and tells him to go inside. Bouncer guy goes inside. WUSS.
Luke the Minion gets on stage and everyone is scared of him. The bouncer is brought over and is the first to be eaten. I guess those long hours pumping iron and taking steroids didn’t help. Luke drinks him up and the Master gets his first burst of energy. OH OH.
Buffy and the gang show up at The Bronze but are locked out. They try to find a way in.
Luke keeps drinking people and the Master keeps getting stronger. He’s almost able to push his hand through the magical barrier trapping him below. Darla grabs Cordelia for Luke to kill and Jesse tries to stop her. Sorry, Jesse, every human here is for the Master. Sucks to be you. Get it? Sucks?
I feel shame.
Buffy manages to sneak in through the roof and she sees Luke has the three-pointed star symbol. She tosses a vamp onto the stage and distracts Luke just as he is about to eat Cordelia. Cordy takes off. Thank goodness, cause future Cordelia has some of the best lines.
Buffy flips herself down to the stage and off a pool table and that’s some terrible piano music sound effects they play as she does it. Seriously. Go watch this scene.
Luke and Buffy fighty-fighty. He manages to knock the stake out of her hand.
Meanwhile, Xander, Giles and Willow have gotten the doors open and are helping people escape. Buffy sees Xander get grabbed by a vamp and frizbees a drum cymbal at them. Xander ducks as it takes the vamp’s head clean off. “Heads up,” Xander quips. NO, JOSS. NO.
Luke manages to grab Buffy and squeeze her tight. She’s losing consciousness.
Jesse is still focused on turning Cordy. He’s on top of her, about to bite, when Xander runs over. He tries to talk to Jesse but the old Jesse is gone, man. Only cool vamp Jesse remains.
Darla jumps on Giles – seriously, who isn’t getting jumped on – and Willow throws an entire bottle of holy water in her face. It stings mightily and Darla runs out, screaming.
Jesse stands and pulls Xander up, grinning as he sees the stake in Xander’s hand. Ha! What’re you gonna do, Xander? Jesse knows Xander doesn’t have the gu-
A girl runs past them and knocks Jesse right onto the stake. Byeeeeee.
Minion Luke keeps squeezing Buffy but she was just pretending to be weakened. She headbutts him and he drops her. Buffy looks around for a weapon and grabs the first thing she sees – a cymbol stand. Luke chuckles. He’s all, metal can’t hurt me! Luke, when will you learn that metal hurts all of us? I mean, have you never listened to Motörhead? Or this kid? America’s Got Talent is the worst evil of them all. But I digress.
So anyways, Luke is all, hahaha dumbass, metal won’t hurt this cat, and Buffy’s all, duh you forgot about the sunrise! She throws the stand through the window beside Luke and he covers his face, screaming as light pours on him.
Hold up a sec. Luke realizes he isn’t burning just as Buffy jumps up and stakes him in the back. “It’s in about nine hours, moron.”
Luke dies and the Master loses his strength. Guess he’s not escaping to kill everyone after all. Buffy stands on the pool table and looks so fierce that he leftover vamps skedaddle.
At school the next day, the students are all talking about the crazy night at the Bronze with the rival gangs fighting. Buffy’s not surprised, she’s seen this all before. Giles warns them that there will be a next time, with many more adventures ahead.