Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1×05 – Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Who's ready for some awkward-looking dancing?

Who’s ready for some awkward-looking dancing?

Previously: A teacher believed in Buffy, so obviously he had to go. Aaaaaaaaand he was promptly murdered. Well, that sucked. RIP Dr. Gregory! We’ll never forget y-
So anyways, a younger, hotter, femaley-er teacher showed up and all the boys liked her, including Xander. But she was a She-Mantis and wanted to mate, then kill him. Me too! Oh, except for the killing. Buffy used her slayer strength AND her brain to defeat her. I’m sure Buffy will use her brain powers in future seasons to help herself out of a bad situation and land a great job. Oh…wait…

 

Buffy’s fighting a vamp in the graveyard.  She knocks him down, and says, “I don’t believe we’ve been properly interoduced. I’m Buffy, and you’re-“ she pulls out her stake and plunges it into his heart, “-HISTORY!” The vamp dusts. Terrible quip, Buffy. Terrible.

Giles also thinks it’s terrible. Not the quip, but her poor technique. Too bloody. He tells her it should simply be plunge, and move on. Plunge and move on. Giles, this sexy talk is driving me to distraction.

Buffy may be immune to all this talk of 'plunging', but my pantaloons are on fire!

Buffy may be immune to all this talk of ‘plunging’, but my pantaloons are on fire!

Speaking of distraction, Giles bends down and picks up an ugly old ring that belonged to the now-dusted vamp. Giles is all, TO THE BOOKS!

The Master is also checking out a book. It’s a huge, filthy, dusty thing. He opens it to a random page and begins reading like a minister giving a sermon. He speaks of the Anointed One and the long camera shot shows that he really IS giving a sermon of sorts, in a church-like setting. Three vamps stand and listen. Five people are going to die and from that the Anointed One will arise. Oh, and the Anointed One is going to lead the Slayer to hell. Hmm, none of this sounds good for Buffy.

The Master is mad at his fellow vamps because one of them couldn’t wait to finish his job and went out to eat and got himself staked by the Slayer. The Master is always mad at his vampire minions. He should look into hiring better help. Maybe offer some nicer benefits to attract a quality worker. Give me a call, Master. We’ll brainstorm some ideas.

The Master picks one of the vamps up by the throat as the others watch in fear. “The Anointed will be my greatest weapon against the Slayer! If you fail to bring him to me, if you allow that girl to stop you-“ He throws the vampire into a coffin, “Here endeth the lesson.”  The Master slams the book shut, drops the mic and is all, peace, bitches.

Whoa. Hey. That line. That line gets used again by my favourite character in one of the best episodes of Buffy ever later on in the series BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. Back to season one.

Credits!

Giles and Buffy are in the library, discussing the ring they found and wait, what. What?? Buffy….what are you wearing?!? Did you forget your pants, young lady? You march yourself right back upstairs and change…oh…right…recap.

But seriously, what?

But seriously, what?

Buffy insists that the sun and three stars on the inside of the ring means something. Giles disagrees but Buffy looks in a book and finds that yes, it does mean something. The Order of Aurelius. Score, Buffy!

Stop the presses, cause a hot guy just walked into the library. Buffy jumps up and stutters, “Ooh. Owen! Hi.”

Giles is much less friendly. “What do you want?” He’s completely surprised when Owen answers, “A book.” Giles, you aren’t keeping your cover as the librarian.

Buffy clearly likes this Owen character. She follows him as he pops over to the poetry section to find an Emily Dickenson book to replace the one he lost and loved ever so and oh my god I hate poetry so much. Sorry, poetry nerds. The two awkwardly chat and when Owen leaves with his book Buffy’s all googley-eyes at the door. “That was Owen,” she breathes. Come on, Buffy! Get it together.

Later, in the lunch line, Willow and Buffy gush some more over this Owen character. Sounds like this guy is one of those mysterious, brooding types that likes poetry and deep thoughts. Not my kind of guy. Buffy is totes into the brooding type (don’t we know it) and pulls out an Emily Dickenson book. She needs to know all about what Owen likes. Ugh.

Xander loudly asks Buffy how the slaying went last night. Buffy hisses, “Xander!” and shoots him a look so he tries to cover in case someone heard him. “I mean, how’d the LAYING go?” Not better.

Oh, guess who’s sitting over there all alone with only his lunch, his thoughts and his Emily Dickenson? Hint: Owen. It’s Owen. Buffy grabs her tray and her own Emily copy and trots off to sit with him. Whatever, Xander.

Just as Buffy’s about to sit down, Coredelia zips in and hip checks her out of the way, spilling Buffy’s tray all over the floor. Cordelia sits, victorious, but Owen’s busy helping Buffy clean up the mess.

Cordelia invites Owen to the Bronze tonight cause she’s totally going to be there. Owen asks if Buffy is going and Cordelia tries to stop this from happening but too late, Cordy, this is totally happening. Owen and Buffy agree to meet there at eight. Looks like it’s a date!

After lunch, Willow is thrilled to hear the good news. They bump into Giles and Willow tells him to tell Buffy it’s a big deal. Giles agrees that yes, it is a big deal, but this isn’t Owen he’s talking about. This is about the Order of Aurelius.

Giles has found out about the prophesy of the Anointed One, and how he will be some sort of warrior that rises from the ashes of the Five aaaaand this is all happening tonight oooops sorry about that date you had planned.

Buffy is very unhappy about this. I am very unhappy about the colour of her lipstick. This peachy-orangey monstrosity does not flatter, Buffy. Does not flatter.

Anyways, Buffy is all, Owen Owen Owen and I’m already tired of hearing about this guy. Giles somehow refrains from grabbing Buffy and shaking some sense into her and leans in to tell her that the Anointed One cannot get to the Master. All sorts of bad stuff will happen if he does. His calculations are precise! TONIGHT WE GO INTO BATTLE!

Cut to that night. Buffy, Giles, graveyard, crickets. Nothing is happening. Looks like this Anointed character isn’t showing up tonight after all. Giles gives Buffy the ok to leave for her date and she jumps up in excitement and oh my god Buffy what are you wearing? This is a record for me and complaints about her clothes. That animal print fuzzy coat with the hood is a cross between childish stuffed animal and desperate 40s-something cougar out for a night on the town. Not a good look.

Giles reminds Buffy that no one can know her secret identity, as it puts them at terrible risk. No one, that is, except Willow. And Xander. And Angel. And him.

Buffy reassures him that she’ll keep mum and leaves for the Bronze. Giles watches her go, musing how he was sure the Anointed would arise from the death of five. Oh well!

Somewhere, a small bus of people is driving on a highway. A super creepy guy is on it, creepily telling a little kid about death and that everyone will be judged. Ok, that’s normal…if you’re creepy.

The Bronze. Buffy shows up and sees Cordy slow dancing with Owen on the dance floor. Buffy promptly gives up and leaves. What? Wow, lame.

Back on the bus, the creepy guy is still preaching his creepy words and this bus is full of wimps cause they’re all just sitting there and taking it. He tells them they’re all going to be judged! Judged! Juuuuuuudged! Finally the bus driver tells him to sit down, then turns back to look at the road and promptly runs someone over. The driver pulls the bus to a screeching halt and runs out to see if the person is ok.  He is, and he’s one of the Master’s minions from the sermon. The minion kills the driver. Another minion punches through the window of the bus and more killing happens. Screams. Bus rocking. All bad for the passengers. Well, at least they don’t have to listen to the creepy guy ranting about being judged anymore.

The next day, Buffy is telling Xander about the Bronze and the close dancing and sad face leaving. He’s shocked that she didn’t even talk to Owen and explain why she was late. Buffy’s like, explain what? Graveyard, Watcher, vampire, prophecy? Xander frowns and suggests, flat tire? Think, Buffy, think.

But Buffy can’t think. She’s too busy complaining about her stupid life to Xander and still mooning over Owen. She’s just practicing for the big, moody, broody relationship that’s still to come but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Erm.

Owen walks up to Buffy, asking her why she didn’t show. Buffy still can’t think and mumbles that all her clocks broke and she doesn’t have a watch so she had no idea what time it was. Any normal human being would take that as the most insulting brush-off ever but not Owen. No, he asks her to try again tonight and even lends her his watch. It’s a beautiful pocket watch that he probably got from his deceased war-hero Grandfather but whatever, lend it to this high school girl. It’s fine.

All this is taking place right next to Xander’s locker. Xander, you lucky dog. How awesome to watch the flirting! Xander is doubly sad because instead of a nice pocket watch all he has is a stupid plastic Tweety Bird watch. He’s crushed as Buffy’s all, ooooh Owen and walks off with stars in her eyes.

Buffy runs to the library to clear up her evening with Giles. He doesn’t get a word in edgewise.

Meanwhile, the Master is still irritated about being trapped in his prison. He tells his new batch of minions to bring him the Anointed One at all costs.

That night, Willow and Xander are helping Buffy pick out an outfit for her date with Dreamboat Owen. Xander is a spoilsport at every turn. When asked which lipstick Owen would prefer he says the red. That’s the one to wear while making out with Owen so he can tell all the guys how easy she is. Buffy chooses the peach. Awkward.

The doorbell rings. Oooh, Owen! Buffy races downstairs and opens the door to find Giles there instead. Noooooo! She tries to get rid of him but he has news about the prophecy:

Hot off the presses: Giles is my boyfriend! Details on page two!

Hot off the presses: Giles is My Boyfriend! Details on page two! Oh, and Five Die in Van Accident. Um, hello? It was clearly a bus. Some reporter didn’t do his research.

Looks like his calculations were only off by a day.  Giles wants to go investigate the body of that creepy preachy guy. His body is down at the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Giles is all full of excitement and is quite surprised when Owen shows up. “Another date? Don’t you ever do anything else?”

“This is the first date! There’s never been a date! This is my maiden voyage!”

Buffy points out that she hasn’t had a day off in a while. While Giles agrees, he counter-points that trying to be a slayer and have a normal life isn’t really a good idea. Well geeze, Giles, it’s the nineties you know! Get with it!

Buffy manages to once again talk him into giving her the night off and tells him to send her a message on her beeper if the apocalypse happens. Her beeper. It really IS the nineties!

 

Durrrrrrrrr! Beeper!

Durrrrrrrrr! Beeper!

Buffy and Owen leave for their dream date. Giles sighs and says he’ll just go check out the funeral home himself. Willow doesn’t like the sound of that because Willow is intelligent. Xander, still hung up on this whole Buffy/Owen thing, which I shall now call ‘Buffen’, says Giles will be fine. Sure he will.

And now I shall write some Buffen fanfic:

Buffy kicked the door to the crypt down and strode through the doorway. Inside, the vamps snarled and rushed at her. “Owen! Look out!”

 “One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place,”
 Owen replied, nose in his book as he cluelessly followed her inside.

Buffy spun and kicked, dusting vamps as she went. She saw one race towards her beloved, fangs bared. “Owen! Duck!”

Anger as soon as fed is dead-
Tis starving makes it fat,” Owen quoted, looking up from his cherished works. The vampire grabbed his head and broke his neck. Owen slid to the floor, Emily Dickenson falling from his lifeless hands.

          fin

*bows *

Buffy and Owen actually have a really nice time at the Bronze. The Bronze. That’s where they went. How exciting. Yawn. but really, they are smiling and talking and relaxed. How pleasant.

They chat away in an intimate corner. Owen tells her all about Emily Dickenson. Good god, this is so boring but Buffy is thrilled to be on a date with Dreamboat Owen like a normal girl. She keeps checking her beeper (ahahahahahaha the nineties) but no message from Giles. Mmmm…Giles.

Buffy and Owen  get up and go slow dance…or…something. The song is slow-ish, but people aren’t holding each other to dance. They’re just really slowly grooving. Ok, sure. Buffy raises her arms over her head and grinds a little. Um…

Thank god, cause she gives up on that and they actually slow dance for real while everyone else around them continue to regular dance…really slowly. This song sucks and I refuse to look it or the band up.

Cordelia sees them and marches over. She asks Owen to dance but he lets her know he’s there with Buffy. In a huff, Cordelia leaves. Score one for the Buff!

Giles goes to the funeral home and is immediately accosted by the minion vampires. He wards them off with a cross and runs inside to the morgue room, blocking it off with a filing cabinet. The minions bang on the door. Luckily Willow and Xander followed him and pop their heads in the window to see if he needs help. Well, of course he does! He wants to page Buffy but there’s no phone. Well, duh. Xander and Willow decide they’re just going to go get her and run off. For all you young kids, to page someone, you had to go phone a company to send a message to a person’s beeper. Beeper! Ahahahahahaha

Back to the most boring date ever: Owen goes to get Buffy something to eat just as Angel walks over to her. ROMANCE. She’s all googly-eyed over him too. Make up your mind, Buffy! Broody, boring poetry guy or broody, boring mysterious guy. GOD.

Angel has come to warn her that stuff is happening tonight but all Buffy cares about is her date. Angel’s almost as crushed as Xander, “You’re on a date?” :(

Owen shows up with a muffin. A. Muffin. The hell? Buffy told you to bring her something yummy and fattening and you show up with a muffin. You really are the lamest guy ever. Seriously Buffy, look at your life decisions right now. But she doesn’t have time for that because Xander and Willow run up, panting and out of breath.

Instead of telling Buffy there’s an emergency and she has to go, they come up with a cockamamie story that they’re also dating, let’s make this a double-date, in fact, let’s go double date at the funeral home. Buffy, who’s been clueless up until this point, suddenly gets what they mean. Owen is like, super pumped to sneak into the funeral home, because Owen is a weirdo. Buffy tries to tell him he can’t come and Owen thinks she’s trying to bail. She reassures him that she’s having a wonderful time and will return shortly. She’s about to go, then suddenly turns back and plants a kiss on him as Angel watches. :'(

The gang arrive at the funeral home to look for Giles. Oh hey, guess who followed them? Hint: Owen. It’s stupid Owen the lamewad. He’s really excited to see a dead body RUN BUFFY RUN. Or stake him, he’s obviously a serial killer. But no, she doesn’t take my advice. She puts her friends at risk by leaving them with the budding murderer and goes to find Giles and the minions.

The morgue room is trashed. Buffy calls Giles’ name and the door to one of the body storage drawers opens. It’s Giles, laying on a dead body. He hid when the vamps broke in. Oh Giles, you’re so clever.

Giles is mortified to find out that Owen’s here but Buffy promises to get rid of him so they can go after the minions and find the Anointed One. She finds the others and takes them into the office, telling them to stay here while she goes to the ‘bathroom’. Xander and Willow barricade the door once she leaves, just in case the ‘security guard’ comes. As they work Owen turns around and pulls back a curtain, revealing a viewing room and a body on a gurney, covered with a sheet. He’s creepily excited to see a dead body and then asks, “Do they usually move?” Xander and Willow turn around, frightened.

Buffy and Giles search the morgue but it comes up empty. No Anointed One here! They’re confused. After all, this is where they keep the dead bodies…

The dead body in the viewing room sits up and looks at Xander, Willow and Owen through the glass window. Oh no! It’s that creepy preachy guy from the bus. And he’s now a vampire. It’s the Anointed One! He stands up, gleefully telling them, “I’ve been judged!”

Owen has no idea what’s going on. The three of them stand stupidly and watch as creeper turned vamp smashes the glass window to the viewing room and yells, “He is risen in me! He fills my head with song!”

The three panic and run over to the door to clear the piles of furniture away that they just finished piling up. They manage to escape just as the vampire reaches them. He follows them down the hall, still spewing crazy words. They find Buffy and tell her where the vamp is. She tells them to get out and runs off.

Xander, Willow and Owen try to leave but the way is barred by a minion who closes the gate and locks them in for the Anointed One to eat. Owen sounds panicked.

Buffy runs back to the morgue and gets a stake from Giles. Just as she’s about to run back out she’s attacked by the Anointed One and shouts as she’s thrown into a wall.

Owen hears and wants to go help her. He runs towards the morgue just as Giles is thrown into a control panel, turning on the cremation chamber. Well, that doesn’t look good. Owen hits the A.O. with a pan just as the vamp yet again throws Buffy into the wall, knocking her out. Buffy sure gets thrown around a lot in the first season.

A.O. grabs Owen by the throat and lifts him. Owen smashes him on the head with an urn. A.O. falls and lets go of Owen, who runs over and helps Buffy up.  “Did you see that? He tried to bite me! What a sissy.” Ha! But he’s spoken too soon. Ole Anointy stands up and hits Owen in the head with a metal drawer.

“Dead!” A.O. declares, dropping Owen to the ground as Buffy looks on in horror.

Buffy is just so mad that he killed her date. She beats him and beats him, finally tossing him on a gurney and sliding him into the hellish fire of the cremation chamber. Giles slams the door shut. Bye, Anointed One!

That was easy!

That was easy!

Owen sits up. Noooo, why aren’t you dead? I mean, oh good, you’re alive. He asks for an aspirin, holding his head in pain. Buffy runs over as he asks what happened to the guy and she tells him they scared him away. Woozy, Owen decides to go home. Buffy offers to take him but he wants to go alone. Willow and Xander also offer to take him and he doesn’t turn them down. They leave as Buffy watches. Buffy has sad.

At school the next day, Buffy asks Willow and Xander if Owen said anything about her when they took him home. No, he didn’t. Buffy’s all, : (

Xander tries to tell her that she needs someone that already knows her secret, someone like-

“Owen!” Buffy says. And there he is, standing before her like a big doofus. Doesn’t he remind you of someone?

 

Backpack. Doofy expression. Large, lumbering stance. Hello, season four ruiner.

Backpack. Doofy expression. Large, lumbering stance. Hello, season four ruiner.

Willow drags Xander away so they can talk in private, Xander shooting Owen daggers as he leaves.

Owen thinks Buffy’s the coolest and wants to see her again. Who knew almost dying would be so exciting? He’s never felt so alive! Buffy is crushed and knows what she has to do. She turns him down and says she wants to be friends. Owen is disappointed and leaves as Buffy watches, a thousand, million tears running down her soul. Don’t worry Buffy, you’ll get over it.

Giles walks up and tells Buffy that when he was ten years old his father told him he was destined to be a Watcher, and gave him a tiresome speech about responsibility and sacrifice. Buffy nods. She knows what he’s sayin’. She’s pretty upset with herself. She knows she shouldn’t have let Giles go to the funeral home by himself but he reassures her that she is an excellent Slayer. Plus, she stopped the Anointed One. So she’s got that going for her. Suck it, Master!

Yay! No more worries about that pesky Anointed One!

Yay! No more worries about that pesky Anointed One!

MEANWHILE:  Down in the underground evil lair, The Master quotes from his dusty book, “’And in this time will come the Anointed. And the Slayer will not know him. She will not stop him, and he will lead her into hell.’” He kneels and we see the little boy from the bus. “Welcome, my friend.”

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

 

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