Previously on Sleepy Hollow. Okay, stop. It’s the end of the world. Ichabod Crane apparently has gotten a cell phone.
Abbie stops by her apartment in an extremely sparkly turtleneck to laugh at Ichabod’s attempts at outgoing messages and texting (kids, auto-correct gets us all in the end). Hey gang, look who’s popped in for a visit? Why, it’s Dead Officer Andy Dunn!
“We need to talk about boundaries,” Abbie says, brandishing a knife, because the BAMF never stops with that one.
While Ichabod realizes a “colon closed parenthesis” means “a man’s face,” over at the Cabin, Abbie has handcuffed Andy to the radiator and learned Moloch is searching for a map. If Abbie promises to turn it in, “I’ll get a better view of the apocalypse,” she says sardonically. Andy plays several trump cards: he reminds Abbie of the prophesy Ichabod learned saying he’ll desert her in the end, and drops in a mention how everyone she ever loved has abandoned her. “No one loves you like I do,” he argues. Yeah, all of that seems super-duper loving.
Andy escapes by breaking his wrist (and excellent makeup on John Cho throughout, by the bye) before Abbie can reach Captain Irving.
She heads to the Abbie & Ichabod’s Awesome Sekkrit Hideout, where Ichabod explains he’s figured out ye olden dayes General Washington winking and nudging him and name-dropping Lazarus means something important.
In between finding out Washington’s Bible has ten extra “false” verses in its story of Lazarus and finding encoded and invisible-ink hidden messages to Ichabod in them, we learn something critical. Namely, Ichabod is pouty as hell that Abbie got him a cheapo flip phone, and wants a cool new one like hers. Oh, and George Washington turned himself into a zombie to reveal the secrets of the afterlife so Abbie and Ichabod might centuries later find the hidden Map of Purgatory that will stop evil. You know. As one does.
“I know you want to free Katrina [from Purgatory],” Abbie warns Ichabod. But he has to keep a level head and try not to think too hard about his long-suffering netherworld-trapped wife, ‘kay? He promises, as long as she won’t let the insane prophesy that he’ll desert her like everyone else she’s cared about cloud her judgment. Yeah, Andy and Moloch have pretty much zeroed in on the two things that will most capably mess with Ichabod’s and Abbie’s heads. Well done, evil!
Together they notice the list of people involved in Washington’s unholy resurrection included Reverend Knapp. Remember, the guy who was the second killed by the Headless Horseman in the Pilot? How he lived for centuries, well, that I can’t tell you, because no one but me seems to think it’s even slightly odd. Or I guess warlocks and witches just live as long as they want? *handwaves* Aaanyway, if Knapp was buried with his prayer beads (um, wouldn’t that be Catholic, though?), they would be “full of sin”. If they call in their team Sin Eater, good ol’ Henry Parrish, maybe they can figure out where the Purgatory map is.
Oh cripes, Captain Frank Irving! He’s under the gun with an investigation about how people were killed at the safe house; his superiors want answers. He doesn’t pay the least bit of attention to my frantic arm-waving and shouting, “Don’t say demons! Or the apocalypse! Or evil!” though, telling his boss that “evil” is responsible. Oh man. You couldn’t have said a drugged-out biker gang did it?
“Take me seriously!” Dead Officer Andy shouts like a petulant teenager when Moloch laughs at his anguish. Sure, Andy admits he failed. Again. You might say Moloch has been weirdly patient. But then, preparing for the apocalypse is always a long game, huh? When he asks Moloch to “make me your weapon,” insects swarm the tunnels he’s in to wrap him in a horrible cocoon.
While Ichabod finds that Siri is way less sympathetic than emotive NorthStar operator Yolanda, Henry Parrish arrives to help Ichabod and Abbie exhume Reverend Knapp and snatch his prayer beads. Henry’s hand is burned when he tries to touch the beads, because there is SO MUCH SIN in them. Oh, and possibly also a hex: Abbie grumbles about a “dead warlock with a security system.”
Henry suffers extreme pain, but manages to see two visions: Washington coming back to life, and Knapp on a boat by a shoreline, transporting something. He takes a moment to recover from eating the mother lode of sin — because “defying god himself and cheating death” totally blacks out all the squares on your Trespasses Against God Bingo Card.
Abbie ventures maybe it’s not a hot idea to find this map.
“Are you willing to sacrifice [Katrina’s] freedom?” if doing so means saving the rest of the world she asks? Ichabod’s moral crisis gets temporarily deferred when a bunch of creepy dark cat-suited demons rise up. In the aftermath (luckily, this variety explodes into bits when shot), Ichabod agrees the map is incredibly dangerous, but insists “we must find it or this war will be lost.”
While patching up Henry (who can cross fighting a demon “from my bucket list”), Abbie notes the hex would have stopped Moloch, and guesses Knapp took the map’s location “to his grave.” Revelation time! Ichabod recalls the Masonic Brotherhood urging members to take its secrets to their deaths; the map must be in Washington’s real grave (not those silly three other fake gravesites!). Add in Henry’s vision of the shoreline along with Sleepy Hollow’s importance, and Washington’s secret burial plot must be on one of the islands on the Hudson River.
Dead Officer Andy emerges from his chrysalis looking hella scary: he’s veinier than the Roanoke settlers, stronger than other demons-of-the-week, and has a computer-distorted voice to rival Moloch’s himself! Seriously, though, A+ special scary effects in this ep particularly with make-up and John Cho’s appearances. *hides behind couch*
Twenty-one islands to search, and Ichabod & Co. hit on the right one on the first go. Ichabod uses the maps app on Abbie’s phone and complains about her “500 friends” on her social network updates and the loose definition of friendship now (“Aristotle would be most unimpressed,” Ichabod sniffs). Though Abbie still wants to hold on out deciding what they’ll do when they find the map, her nuclear bomb comparison gets hijacked by Henry, who placidly remarks in the right hands, “It ended a war.” Oh, yeah, and that didn’t turn out badly for anyone.
While Ichabod searches for a marker (he says he needs an hour; who guessed it would take less than a minute?), Abbie quizzes Henry on the witness-renouncing-witness prophecy.
He reminds her that those who transcribed the Bible rejected the story and warns, “Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves if you let them.” Ichabod calls the two of them over to expose the secret-rock-twist that leads to George Washington’s Secret Kick-Ass Masonic Temple Grave.
Back at the station, in a perverse twist of justice, they’re taking DNA samples from Macey Irving, insinuating she murdered the two men found dead at the safe house. Um, she was possessed! Besides, she’s top of her science class, likes every flavor of ice cream, and loves puppies! It doesn’t matter if her saliva was found on the victim’s neck! But since state police guys would rather arrest Macey than “evil,” they’ve got forensics on the case.
Also. What the hell happened with Morales? The characters very carefully don’t include his name on the list of the dead (the two victims being the priest and Morales’s partner), and they skirt away from mentions of his name. Come on, inquiring minds!
Let me tell you, George Washington’s Secret Kick-Ass Masonic Temple Grave, is well. Masonic. And Kick-Ass!
Seriously, how did they fit all those ornate marble sculptures under a swampy Hudson River island? Just Freemason fancy-schmancy-ness, I suppose. Also, do you think Ichabod is having grave envy (after all, he woke up in a stank Cave Grave)?
Though Abbie is all for starting to mess with the pyramid structure proclaiming the “I am the Indispensable Man” (apparently a well-known moniker for General Washington), Ichabod dismisses it as “too obvious” and probably triggered to deter invaders. He goes instead for the seal of Cincinnatus. At least Abbie has the scoop on Cincinnatus’s theory that “power should only be given to those who want it least” (she took Latin in high school).
A little trick of inserting Ichabod’s Masonic ring into a notch near the seal, and booyah, Washington’s tomb! Whoosh! go the flames in the ornate statues’ bowls. Vroop! goes the lid of Washington’s sepulcher before Abbie can crowbar the hell out of it. Yoink! goes Ichabod nabbing the map to Purgatory literally out of Washington’s cold dead hands!
But wait up, guys; it’s Dead Officer Andy looking seriously badass in a long leather coat, a knit hat, and super-duper strength! Basically it’s like he show-hopped; he’s like a hotass vampire-type guy after springing from his cocoon. I like to think Moloch gave him those duds as a Sorry I Made You All Loose Necked surprise, awww!
“I know the Andy I know is in there somewhere,” Abbie pleads. “the man that protected me, that loves me.” Henry is thrown aside by Dead Officer Andy (though not before seeing little flashes of his sins). “Abbie, destroy the map,” temporarily-restored Andy begs, telling her Moloch needs in to win the war. He asks her for release from these horrors. Abbie stabs his head with a crowbar, trepanation-style, owie.
Henry insists he’s okay (wow, he really recovers well from sinful bead-burning and thrown-by-a-badass-crumpling remarkably well for someone of his age. Hmm!). “There must be another exit,” Ichabod says when they discover they’re sealed inside the chamber. They go deeper into the crypt to get out, and, defying the logic of every horror movie ever, this actually works. Ichabod inserts the “symbol of ascension” brick from the wall into a notch, and an exit opens.
“God bless the Freemasons,” Abbie says feelingly. I like to imagine Masons everywhere watch this show and hug each other, giggling with glee like excited chimpanzees on Christmas day every time they get name-checked as keepers of actual secrets.
“Lieutenant, shoot the lever,” Ichabod yells so they can trap the apparently still alive bad version of Dead Officer Andy. When Abbie hits the pyramid’s trigger, rocks fall, and Dead Officer Andy apparently dies again.
Outside, Abbie soberly tells Ichabod “it’s your call,” to decide what should happen to the map. “Forgive me, my love,” he murmurs as he sets it on fire with the flame from a torch. “If using this map meant betraying your trust,” he says to Abbie, “that’s something I cannot do. For the world. For our friendship.” MY HEART! They’ll choose their own destiny and he’ll “forge my fate with you.” Abbie puts on her toughest face and says, “I promise you, we are going to save [Katrina].”
“It was me,” Frank Irving says grimly at the station, laying down his gun on the table. “I killed Jason Boland and Deon Jones. I’m confessing. You might want to get a witness.” NOTHING ABOUT THAT IS OKAY!!! He needs our actually Witnesses with a capital W, Abbie and Ichabod, am I right? The deputies line up, watching as he’s walked through with handcuffs on, and I sadface so much I think I hurt my jaw. DDDD:
Ichabod sits at the fireplace at the cabin, distraught and holding Katrina’s necklace. “Find me, free me from this place,” she begs him in a flashback. “We will defeat Moloch and we will be together again, I swear,” he remembers fervently telling her. Memories! Awful terrible memories!
Ichabod stands and takes a notebook from a drawer. Hocrap, remember how he has an eidetic memory? As he begins to sketch the map which of course he remembers exactly, a tear runs down his face. Dang!
I’ll have the second-part of this two-part season finale recap for the episode “Bad Blood” up for you soon! Meanwhile, let us all eat every flavor of ice cream and huddle together with puppies and pretend the apocalypse isn’t coming!