Game of Thrones 4.1 – Two Swords

Oh, was this show coming back? I almost forgot about it.

[breathing intensifies]

[breathing intensifies]

PREVIOUSLY! Blood! Mayhem! My learning the most valuable lesson of all: if you love it, it will be brutally murdered in front of your face. Good lesson, that. Wow, does the Red Wedding still hurt. *pounds chest* Also, the show’s “Previously” led seamlessly into a bee-you-tea-ful moment with a certain someone’s broadsword. [Player Ned Stark has entered the Game!]

As the Rains (Reynes?) of Castamere play in the background (jeez, OKAY, it HURTS, we GOT IT) Tywin Lannister hands off the broadsword to a perfectly cast blacksmith (are they going to add it to the throne?), who begins to heat it up. [Player Ned Stark has LEFT the game.] To me – a non-book reader (oh my god, please do not spoil me, any n00bs to the site, please, please, please) it looked like Tengwar.

NERD ALERT. Tengwar, the script found on the One True Ring,was developed by Elf Fëanor to write the language of VALARIN. Ahem. (Of course we all know the words on the One True Ring are the black speech of Mordor and I’m done now, thank you.)

So that blade was valyrian steel (I C wut U did thar, GRRM) and gets smelted into two blades of varying lengths. (Why? Anyone? UNLESS IT IS A BOOK/PLOT SPOILER.) Tywin takes the original broadsword’s scabbard – a freaking wolf pelt and how cool and awful is that? – and throws that onto the fire, stoking it higher, one assumes, and gives a pissy little “I Win” grin.

"May you strike fear in the heart of your enemy, may your blade ring out with righteousness, and may she never know malice - only justice."

“May you strike fear in the heart of your enemy, may your blade ring out with righteousness, and may she never know malice – only justice.”

(Question: if this is Ned’s sword, why is it taking so long to do this? Because of the nature of the metal, he was waiting for the right blacksmith who could work with it? That’s the answer we later learn.)

And if you didn’t sway and wave your horn of mead/ale when the intro started, then I guess I don’t know you anymore. Two new places on the map! Dreadfort! (That’s the home of the Boltons, right? Flayed Man? The giant X on the game board?) and Meereen, and they have Pyramids! Awesome. I continue to want this to be a tabletop game set I can buy. I WANT IT FOR REASONS.

Jaime, cleaned up and looking sharp in his Kingsguard Gold, meets with his father, who has a new sword for him, a lefty. (Ouch.) Oh, and evidently no one has worked with valyrian steel since the “Doom of Valyria” which is meaningless to us show-only folk, but sounds cool. Tywin of course has a guy. Tywin Lannister is the ultimate “I got a guy” guy – his reach is far, and deep.

Jaime struggles to put it away, giving his loving dad the opportunity to point out that forced-left-handed swordsmen don’t make the best guards. (Um, clearly he’s unfamiliar with Inigo Montoya.) So since Jaime’ll want to be off to Casterly Rock to bone and produce an heir-

Jaime:  Wants to stay and bone my sister says what?

Tywin: …what?

Jaime: That’s my line. And I swore an oath (a private one to Cersei) to do my duty (by putting it to her nightly) and do my duty I shall (aww yeah).

Tywin: Where the hell did I go wrong with my children?

Speaking of where he went right with his children, Tyrion and Bronn (and Pod!) chill on a country road to greet visitors for the upcoming wedding of Weaselteat and Margaery. It’s seriously beneath him – there’s bad blood between the Martells of Dorne (who he’s waiting on) and the Lannisters, but then, I think you could say “There’s bad blood between [insert family name] and the Lannisters” and be just about right.

Bonus points of hilarity: Pod knows all the sigils of all the families arriving coupled with Bronn thinking they all look like balls. Hahaha.

The Dorne don’t give a shit about Tyrion, and Prince Oberyn is already there, looking to get his dick wet. He looks all sorts of classy with his chin beard and lascivious nature in one of Littlefinger’s whore houses, letting his lady friend (Naiobe from Rome!) decide who to bone. He picks himself up a nice bit of strange, something on the private menu, it seems. “I’m a prince, boy. Ever been with a prince?”

And someone’s work day just got better.

Prince Oberyn can Get It. (And Ellia Sand - of Kama Sutra sexiness!)

Prince Oberyn can Get It. (And Ellaria Sand – of Kama Sutra sexiness!)

Before things can take their natural course, Oberyn hears some Lesser Lannisters singing the Rains of Castamere  and gets angry (I can’t blame the guy, there are two songs in all of Westeros, that and the Maiden and the Bear. I’d want people to shut up, too). Time to assert some dominance by…pinning the kid to the table with a dagger to the wrist.

“Do you know why all the world hates a Lannister?” he asks.

Because they’re pompous and entitled? Pretty much. Tyrion comes in, diffuses the situation leaving Oberyn and his lady, Ellaria Sand, hot and into it. They finally stop shoving their tongues down each other’s throats (who could blame them?) for introductions. Again, Bronn wins the prize after being asked, “You his hired killer?”

“Yep! But now I’m a knight.” How’d that happen? “Killed the right people, I suppose.” Oberyn likes. Ha, I can’t blame him.  Tyrion and Oberyn share private words and we get some awesome backstory about Oberyn’s sister.

The Tale of Why House Martell Hates House Lannister

Once upon a time there was a lovely Dornish lady named Elia, sent to marry Rhaegar Targaryen, who gave him two children. They were much loved and cared for and all were happy. Well, only Elia and her babies were happy, because the Targaryen Prince proved his name by being a dick and putting her over for someone else, which started a war, fun! And when the Lannisters showed up ready to take over, they made a point of murdering Elia’s babies in the most brutal way ever, wrapped them in Lannister cloaks and were all ha ha, your children are dead, ha!

Elia had the joy of being raped by The Mountain, and then split in two by his broadsword (is this a euphemism? Because oh my GOD), and this sort of thing ruins friendships, is what we’re saying, The End.

Oberyn smiles into the distance, saying coolly, “The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.” Um. This guy is officially a mufuh and I like him a lot. (Things I love: everyone is both a villain and a hero.)

Dany sits by the sea side with her dragon baby in her lap getting scritches as the other two have fun catching and eating lambs. Jorah sits in the background, staring at her sexily, because he can’t help it. The dragons start fighting over their food, Mama says to share, and one of them is all “BITCH YOU DON’T TELL ME WHEN TO EAT, GOD!” and they fly off. Jorah oozes to her side, his voice all gravel and lust as he reminds her they’re wild animals. It takes everything in him to not waggle his eyebrows suggestively at her.

Teenagers, pfft.

Teenagers, pfft.

She checks out her troops only to find that Grey Worm and Daario [THE CHARACTER OF DAARIO IS NOW BEING PLAYED BY JON SNOW-ESQUE LOOKING THIS GUY] are playing a game of “who can hold your sword the longest” and that was played waaaaaaay differently when I was in college.

Awesome job on recasting - you can hardly tell the difference!

Awesome job on recasting – you can hardly tell the difference!

Back in King’s Landing, Shae tries to get Sansa to eat, but she knows about her family now, and food just doesn’t have any appeal. Good god, I feel for Sansa Stark-Lannister something fierce. Poor baby. Tyrion comes in and takes a private moment with her to be sweet and wonderful and the guy is doing the best he can. (Am I the only one who would actually love to see them form a true alliance?)

Tyrion didn’t know Robb, but he knew Cate and wow, did he like her. She was strong, and she was fierce, and Sansa has that inside her, he can see it (and so can I!!) and he points out that she knows her mother would want her to carry on. She excuses herself to go to the Godswood – not to pray, she doesn’t do that anymore, but because that’s where no one will talk to her. *cue all my tears*

Tyrion goes back to his room to find a wanting Shae (gorl, I don’t blame you. Tyrion is sexy as hale), but that can’t happen, and she knows it. She also now knows that Tyrion didn’t pay Varys to ship her off with those diamonds. And Sansa’s other handmaiden sees them together and this doesn’t bode well…

Hey remember when last season ended with a bedraggled Jaime – literally escaped from the jaws of hell several times over – finding his lady-sister love, Cersei and we all thought maybe these two crazy kids will finally have a chance? And then we remembered that this is Game of Thrones and the only good things that happen only happen to Red Leader Samwell Porkins of the Night’s Watch? Well, Jaime is being fitted with a golden hand and every spooky camp story I once knew comes flooding back.

He hates it because it’s impractical. The thing has to weigh a ton. What purpose does this serve? And the answer is none. None purpose. Cersei doesn’t care because this is who she is now, the former brother-fucker-queen soon to be queen regent, soon to be Lady Tyrell, mother of the Monster King, drinker of booze, and ten AM is a perfectly acceptable time to be drunk, because that right hand of Jaime’s was her favorite hand, okay? That was the hand that Did Things back in Casterly Rock when they were twelve and just discovering themselves, that was the hand that gripped hers when she learned she was to be married off to Robert Baratheon, that was the hand that held tight when she was in labor with their incest child, that was the hand, okay, that swore the oath to never lay with another woman as a member of the Kingsguard, and where is that hand now?

Gone. Gone like her dreams, like her hopes, like this recent bottle of hootch… Hey, Cersei? Maybe you should have thought to put…features into that golden hand. I’m just saying, a little vibration wouldn’t have gone amiss. LOOK THIS SHOW IS FILLED WITH TABOO SEX, DON’T SEND ME YOUR LETTERS, MILLION MOMS OF MORALITY OR WHATEVER.

Jaime waves goodbye to his last shred of dignity.

Jaime waves goodbye to his last shred of dignity.

Bonus moment of awesome: Cersei throwing shade at Grand Maester Flash (Pycelle) for smelling of a dead cat. Yeah, I see it. She also gets mad at Jaime for starting a fight with Ned Stark (wow, season 1!) disappearing (um, taken prisoner, but semantics I suppose?) and she’s still mad that she prepared to die during Blackwater and had no word from him, and it’s hardly his fault, Cersei. He’s here now, okay?  Hmm, she’s the most bitter person on the whole show, so he’s got his work cut out for him. (Can these two crazy kids ever make it work? Lol.)

My thoughts on her continue to be unfettered jealousy. She wants to BE Jaime.

That handmaiden of Sansa’s shows up and stops the bickering, and this doesn’t bode well for Shae.

Up North, Ygritte makes a ton of arrows while Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter waits for Mance to tell them what to do. He throws shade her way knowing she didn’t kill Jon Snow because she didn’t want to kill him. Everyone knows how bad ass she is. AND WHOA A GIANT CREEPER WALKS UP ON THEM. They’re Thenns? Wildling tribe? All I know is they’re huge, they’re all bald, and they like scarring their faces. They also have a Warg, which is how they knew to find their lot.  Oooh, sick burn on not having a Warg, Gjördkr!

When this guy says it’s time to eat crow, he doesn’t just mean as a sick burn. More of a nice, succulent charr [slides an arm onto a spit]. Crow? Who is?? When he tries to call dibs on Ygritte, she pulls a bolt on his neck. I love her. GUYS I LOVE HER.

She looks a bit tense. She needs someone to go South again, I'm just saying.

She looks a bit tense. She needs someone to go South again, I’m just saying.

Speaking of Crows, at Castle Black Jon dresses for court, bemoaning his lot in life compared to Robb (he’s clearly learned of his family’s fate).  Robb had the car, had the looks, had the sweet speakers in the back of his trunk, had the championship ring and had the girl. Jon just had that ribbon for chess, so… Time to face the court.

He tells the leaders that he killed Quorin Halfhand on purpose to be a spy, has all sorts of good information about a huge army coming, and yeah, he had to have sex with a lady to get that information so if he must die, at least Ygritte was worth it. Maester Aemon could give two shits about him popping his cherry; he would rather take the information of Giants, Mance’s Massive Bonfire and White Walkers seriously.

And my husband just reminded me that Maester Aemon was the brother of the Mad King Targaryen – so when he says he knows when men lie, he’s got a leg to stand on.

Speaking of King’s Landing, Lady Olenna sniffs and scoffs over the shitty jewelry being offered to Margaery for her wedding ensemble. Margaery makes fun of Joffrey and Olenna is all “BUP BUP BUP, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH I mean, I agree, but YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.”

Brienne walks in, dressed in their colors and offers her services. Things I love: Lady Olenna, who talks smack about everyone, gives Brienne genuine praise. She looks ridiculous in her clothes, but no one would make fun of her for it, because she’s the best. BRIENNE IS THE BEST. Brienne goes off on Stannis’ ShadowBaby killing Renly when Margaery reminds her gently that Joffrey is their king now. Hmm.

look at this dirtbag. OOH, I've got a cross bow that is unweildly and difficult to use but it has gold on it! Also, I've only killed a hooker, but I like the idea of taking credit for EVERYTHING.

look at this dirtbag. OOH, I’ve got a cross bow that is unwieldily and difficult to use but it has gold on it! Also, I’ve only killed a hooker, but I like the idea of taking credit for EVERYTHING.

Cut to Joffrey standing in that exact pose as the real work is done behind him. His Daddy Uncle Jaime talks shop with another of the Kingsguard, leading King Weaselteat to remind us all why he’s the worst. “Ha, you suck. You barely have a page in the Book of Awesome Kingsguard. You know, I could commission a thousand books about how awesome I am.”

Jaime coughs under his (golden) hand, “I would like to point out the short life span of twats, aka, shitty kings who live here.” My love for Jaime Lannister grows with every episode, I won’t lie.

Dany’s group pushes on towards Meereen, I assume is one of the last of the slave cities? Daario-Lite has a twee moment with flowers presented to his lady. But it’s not meant as a flirtation (well, kind of) but as a little lesson in local flora and the dangers they present.  Jorah’s balls ache and his heart hurts and he doesn’t know why…

They come across a very upsetting road side marker: a young girl crucified. There’s one at every mile marker from there to Meereen – 163 miles left. She insists on seeing each and every one of their faces, and then they’ll have their slave collars removed, and then they’ll be buried.

Brienne gives Jaime shit for not returning Sansa to… Who? He says he promised to keep them safe, and she’s safest here in King’s Landing. Let’s face it – Sansa’s not safe anywhere. I would also like to petition for more Brienne and Jaime moments, because they’re the best brother-sister duo ever.

The drunken -forced jester from Joffrey’s first Name Day in S1 follows Sansa in a creepy way, but it’s just to give her some jewelry (five dollars it’s just the necklace Olenna threw over the wall). He wants his family’s name to carry on. This scene serves the purpose of reminding us that Sansa is awesome because I don’t honestly see how mentioningHouse Hollard serves the plot? Things fall by the wayside? Okay.

Arya and the Hound pass a slaughter long past as she bemoans the want of a horse. So she can run off? No way, the Hound is going to sell her to Bad Boob Sucker Auntie Lyssa of the Vale. But first, they stop off in a pub after Arya sees the guy -Polliver – who killed Butters and stole her magnificent sword, Needle. Arya forces their hand, and they find the group of men being disgusting, forcing themselves on the local women, taking what they want because why not? They’re wearing the King’s Colors.

Polliver recognizes the Hound, has lots of respect for him, sort of wishes he got shacked up with him, right? It’s just that the Mountain, and no disrespect meant to your bruvvah, but he’s a bit of a cunt with the torture, always wanting to torture, and a man just wants to sit still, get his dick wet, have a pint, you know? Say, how about we all shove off, do a bit of raping and pillaging – a bit of fun, right? Why don’t we do summat?

The Hound: [stares] Nah. Fuck the king.


The Hound: And I’ll just have that chicken. And that other chicken. And your beer. [maintains eye contact] In fact, I’ll take all the chickens.

Polliver: You gonna die for some chickens?

The Hound: Oh, not me. [FIGHT BREAKS OUT]

So… he head butted one of those guy ON HIS OWN SWORD. If you look up “holy shit” in the dictionary, that’s what you find. Arya gets a wounded man’s broadsword and runs it though him, then narrows in on Polliver, the last remaining man, and hamstrings him.

"You're not even worth being the first man I kill. Eh, third is good, too."

“You’re not even worth being the first man I kill. Eh, third is good, too.”

She gets her sword back from him, and recalls the last conversation Polliver had with Butters back in Season Two, putting her sword to his neck, running it through and if you look closely, you can see it pop out of the back of his head. NEEDLE. Damn.

They ride off comfortably on horses (she got one!) with the Hound eating one of his beloved chickens. They make their way through the scorched countryside. (The work of Polliver’s men and Gregor Clegane? Is this the “torture, torture, torture, a man needs a vacation!” work?)


GUYS OUR SHOW IS BACK AND I’M SO HAPPY. Note for any new folks: as I mentioned, I’m completely spoiler free. I took an oath, not unlike the Black Watch, and I intend to keep it (even though the books are LITERALLY five feet from me right this minute.) We keep things spoiler free. Speculation is one thing, but make a point of saying that’s what it is, if you would be so kind.

We also keep things positive. That’s not to say you can’t have criticisms, but make them constructive. Don’t just slag off on things you hate. This isn’t the place for that. (Fortunately you literally have the ENTIRE internet for that stuff.) Normally these posts go up by 9:30AM CST, but this was a HUGE episode so it took a while. (Also, I celebrated with a lot of wine last night.) You can follow my Twitter for updates, or the HDJM Tumblr for updates as well.

I AM A LITTLE VERKLEMPT. How are you doing, buddy? Hanging in? Flailing? Happy to hate King Weaselteat? Cheering with tears as Arya continues to be bad ass? Come tell me your thoughts. And then click for the next episode!

Please like & share:
  • Katy

    A lot of the questions you ask, I can’t answer because book spoilers. But all will be revealed, I promise.

    I too want Sansa and Tyrion to be BFFs and be awesome together.

    HOW MUCH DO I LOVE LADY OLENNA? I want her to be as sassy as she is. She has no fucks to give and doesn’t care who knows it.

    Now I’ll just sit here and wait for *THINGS* to happen. *hums Rains of Castemere*

    • Not having answers because I’ll be spoiled is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE. And bonus points to you for thinking that way. <3

      Lady Olenna is so damn funny and awesome and truly is to be feared. Anyone who lives long in this world has done so by their cunning (and in most cases, by treachery) and should be given all sorts of respect.

      *sings Dubstep version of The Bear and the Maiden* Ha.


  • Maxwell James

    Next week on Game of Thrones: The part of Daario NoneHotterThan to be played by Cate Blanchett. And by Gaby Sidibe the week after that.

    I would also like to petition for more Brienne and Jaime moments, because they’re the best brother-sister duo ever.

    What Jaime really needs is a sister who isn’t his sister, if you know what I’m sayin’…

    FWIW one of your sword questions is fair game, since the show answered it but kinda quickly. Tywin said that there are only three blacksmiths left who can work Valyrian steel, and it took him a long time to coax one of them over to KL. A patient man, that Tywin. As for the lengths… you’ll see soon enough.

    Glad the show’s back, and that you’re still recapping it!

    • I just snorted half a tamale up my sinus at “Jaime really needs […] a sister who isn’t his sister, if you know what I’m sayin’…” I hope you’re proud of yourself. (You should be.)

      Yes, yes, right! I failed to add back into the recap [linking to the original question] that Tywin tells Jaime about the lack of people with Valyrian skill. Which is awesome – that there are only 3. Tywin, of course, would know who they are and have them all on retainer, no doubt. He’s that guy, the one who covers all of his bases.

      I’m glad you’re back to share this show with me! I just gave a little shout of joy when I saw your name come across the feed. :)

  • Sue

    Oberyn hears some Lesser Lannisters singing the Rains of Castamere (I can’t blame the guy, there are two songs in all of Westeros, that and the Maiden and the Bear. I’d want people to shut up, too). Haaaaaaaaaaaaah!

    I missed this show. And these recaps. And this show. And Jon Snow. How awesome is Oberyn? I had to look that up because I keep typing Oberon and Oberlin and Obi-Wan. I was in the ballpark. I liked his doublet full o’ embroidered suns.

    In conclusion, try telling someone: “Yeah, the hottest guy on this show? Is a dirty rotten sister fucker who knowlingly helped put his sociopath incest get on the throne, is a canon backstabber and pushed an innocent (and awesome) kid out of a window and paralyzed him and, oh, totally has a literal ‘bring back my golden arm!’ golden arm.”

    • I mean, there are only so many versions of the Rains of Castamere a body can listen to (Japanese 12″ Remix! Skrillex Dubstep ft. Kanye West and Avril Levigne! Rains of Castamere as performed by the King’s Landing Castanet Choir!).

      JON SNOW. Who knows nothing…except for how to woo the ladies, hey now! And, well, all of that information he shared. HE KNOWS THAT. The sheer # of times I misspelled Oberyn until I turned on the damn CC is ridiculous. OBI-WAN. Ahahaha.He’s now Ewan McGregor and Tyrion is Hayden Christensen and all I can think of is: LOOK, ANAKIN. LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF FUCKS I GIVE.

      All of this means Oberyn is a sexy mutha trucker. AND EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT JAIME LANNISTER IS 100% ACCURATE *stamp of approval also with my laughing admiration*

  • Karen

    Sansa and Tyrion in true partnership would be the awesomest awesome. I’m rooting for those darn kids.

    Arya should partner up with Lady Olenna – they could teach each other things that would make jaws drop from The Wall to the Summer Isles, is what I’m saying. Maergery would complete the set.

    I’m just sitting here waiting for Joffrey to die, as he must. He’s just a little wanker who doesn’t even know he’s a wanker. He thinks he’s a Tywin in the making, but he’s not. He’s not even a Jaime in the making, you know? And I’m hoping that Bolton’s Bastard dies a painful death, as you know his torture of Theon isn’t his first time at this game. I can only imagine how many innocent people have suffered for his perversion.

    • Wouldn’t Sansa and Tyrion be awesome? In, like, ten years when Sansa has time to heal and grow.

      Joffrey is the absolute worst. And let’s hear it for the amazing actor playing him, because that a) must be fun on set to play and b) must be HELL ON EARTH IN REAL LIFE to walk around being the most hated character on a show. I mean, Joffrey has nothing redeemable about him. Nothing. Every other character we’ve gotten to know has SOMETHING about them, but not Joffrey. No, he’s just a puling, sniveling shit. (But I don’t want him gone yet! He’s too fun to hate!)

  • Gail






  • Michelle

    Just wanted to say how much I enjoy reading your recaps :-)

    And also how much I wanted to slap Cersei when she was going on about how she knew what was happening with Jaime but he just took too long getting back to her!

    Arya and Tyrion remain my favourites and I worry so about them as I’ve gone and gotten attached… and that never ends well with this show.

    • Aww, thanks for that!

      Ooh, Cersei is bitter, bitter, bitter. I mean, I totally get why: she’s a broodmare of convenience and alliance for her father, her son is Literally the Worst, and she wants to BE Jaime so damn bad. But CERSEI: JAIME DOESN’T WANT WHAT’S HAPPENED TO HIM, EITHER.

      I have to hold back my deep admiration too (ahaha, no, really! Okay, I’m terrible at this, but I’m TRYING) because if there’s one thing this show has taught us: WHAT YOU LOVE WILL BE DESTROYED.

  • Know what I love even better than Bitter Drunk Cersei?
    [It’s been AGES since I went SUPERCRAZYCAPSLOCK.]

    All the loves!

    • All the loves back to you, my gorgeous friend!! I AM SO GLAD BITTER, DRUNK, SARCASTIC CERSEI IS BACK! Why, I might have to have a glass or nine in her honor!

  • Miss H.

    Oh! Cute cat pic? This recap surely is off to an awesome start…then again, when are your GoT recaps not awesome? Hehehe, thank you for recapping :)

    Whaaat have you been reading during GoT’s hiatus?!! O.o Who most influenced your writing? Hehehe. “She looks a bit tense. She needs someone to go South again, I’m just saying.” LOL…I see that you upped the ante for S4 with a fresh crop of innuendo-laced phrases. I can’t speak for all the commentors but looks like some of us approves heartily! Well you will *not* be getting any letters of complaint from me thats for sure!

    A little *worried* about Arya. She is straddling that fine line between awesome and going batshit crazy.

    When Ser Jorah appeared on mah screen, I squealed “OMG IAINNN SER IAIN GLEN!” … took a while to remember that the character was called Ser Jorah. Jorah Mormont. -_-

    Also, where IS Theon!! Is anyone even concerned about him?!

    This felt like a ‘soft’ episode, quite comfortably easing the viewer in – I only felt a slightest twinge of overwhelm while watching. All in all, *likes*!

    • I’m just saying, this is a very sexy (and taboo sexy!) show, THAT IS ALL I’M SAYING. Hehehehehe.

      Arya could so easily go bad and REALLY BAD and fast, right? I think she has enough of her father in her to temper the pure Cate that runs in her veins, though. I could be wrong! HELL, I THOUGHT THE STARKS WERE GOING TO LIVE. *cries forever*

      There were so many people we didn’t see this ep, chock-full as it was! Theon will appear in all good time. And Ser Davos, and Gendry and…. There is so much happening, so many characters, it’s a wonder we can keep up with them all as it is!

      WELCOME BACK! <3

  • kelse

    My heart grew three sizes when Lady Olenna, who literally has something awesomely snarky to say about EVERYONE, treated Brienne with respect. And just the fact that Jaime didn’t completely ditch her once they got back to King’s Landing – which I was kind of half expecting him to do? Just, BRIENNE, okay? I adore her.

    I agree, it’ll be a shame if Sansa never comes around to see her husband’s good points, but, sadly, she’s still probably a few years away from getting there. (It’s understandable though, when you realize she’s supposed to be FOURTEEN. I also kind of enjoy the fact that Tyrion seems to be completely disgusted with himself for finding her attractive.)

    The scene with Sir Drunkenface also serves to show us that Sansa DOES have at least one ally in King’s Landing. Sure, he’s a fool and pretty much powerless, but…he’s better than nothing? (That isn’t a spoiler – I’m unspoiled as well! It’s just speculation, I swear!)

    • Oh, you’re spot on with Ser Blotto and Sansa, that there’s someone in King’s Landing who knows she’s still good, but I never felt that was in question. It just struck me as odd to pull up this old character from Season 1 who had a very brief moment, is all. (But good for the actor! Nothing like getting a call from your agent to say HBO is on the line!)

      Brienne really is the best of all of them, isn’t she? I bet Ned would love her. :) And the fact that she just can’t be mocked – she’s too earnest, too good, and too right. Lady Olenna can only smile, shake her head, and figure out how best to use her (because Lady Olenna is BRILLIANT.)

      If Sansa can stay safe for another five years or more, (but then, this is GoT, so I can’t hold my breath) she and Tyrion would be able to see how useful the other is, how formidable a pair they could be. They’re both just so damn LIKABLE! Whenever I remind myself of how old the kids are (Arya’s what, 11??) it makes me EVEN MORE SAD. She’s 80 in emotional years, though, the poor thing I just want to hug her oh my gooooooosh!!!!!

      • kelse

        Not only is it significant that there’s someone around who’s purely on Sansa’s side, I’m also thinking Ser Blotto might come in handy somewhere down the line! As Court Fool, he probably spends a lot of time in the presence of some very important characters. I’m sure if Sansa ever thinks to ask him, he’d be delighted to act as her eyes and ears!

        I love that you see so much of this through an actor’s viewpoint! :)

        • Oooh, what a great point about no one paying attention to the court Jester! Look at the brains on Kelse!!! That’s awesome, and I’m ashamed I didn’t think of that. IT’S A REALLY GOOD THOUGHT. *strokes chin*

  • Christian

    Ah, good to have these back! Since I’ll be waiting until the finale and then watch the whole season in one sitting you’re pretty much the one person to keep me up to date. And there’s of course what my less patient friends tell me.

    But still, one more reason to check back here daily! Thanks in advance!

    By the way, how hard is it to watch that show without having read the books? I’ve read almost all of them twice and find it hard to keep all the houses and characters straight most of the time…

    • Oooh, a long-ass marathon! I’m a fan of that. I’d need to break it over two days, personally, because knowing this show, a hand is going to literally reach through my screen, puncture my chest, pull out my beating heart after showing it to me, then throw it away. You need a little nap after that to recover, I’ve found. :D

      So happy I can be of help, that’s seriously awesome!

      DOOOOOOOOOOD. I am a VORACIOUS reader, I OWN all the books (they’re on the bookshelf at my elbow right this very minute) and not opening them up and diving in is KILLING ME. But I must! I have to restrain myself! Plus, knowing there are still two books left helps – like you with the marathoning episodes, I want to marathon the books. Over a month, because let’s face it – THEY ARE MASSIVE.

      I won’t even lie: I have a notebook where I keep notes of who’s who, and when all else fails, I go to HBO’s character page (to keep from being spoiled, like so easily can happen on the different Wikias out there).

      • Jen

        I’ve read all the books and am gleefully devouring the dvds when they come out. I was able to watch S4E1 courtesy of XBOX but now I have to WAIT FOR THE REST I’m so sad.

        I personally can watch 4-6 episodes in one go, but the husband thinks that’s “excessive”. Pfft.

        On the other hand, this way I get to watch it *twice*.

        I adore your recaps and I’m thinking they’ll keep me (mostly) sane until the dvds come out!

        • 4-6 IN ONE GO IS EXCESSIVE?? My friend, that is what I call a party. :D But I like your thinking that you get to watch it twice! That’s how I watch, too, once with the Mr. and once with my notepad and finger on Pause so I can catch my breath.

          I hope you continue to enjoy these! I have so much fun writing them (and then talking to everyone after). <3 <3 <3

  • Christian

    Last three seasons I did the ten hour marathon with a couple of friends, a mountain of food and and sea of mead and beer, you should totally do that with your book marathon. Over several weeks. Take a couple of weeks off work. It’ll be worth it, and half of these books is food description anyway.

    I applaud your restraint though – I always want to be up to date with both at the same time, a good part of the fun is, after all, bitching about the changes I don’t like. Wonder if that works the other way around.

    You’re VERY helpful and wildly entertaining by the way. I’ve just been a quiet reader so far, but I won’t leave you hanging again like with the Walking Dead recaps. Promise

    • I like the cut of your jib. Ahaha, if I read the books straight through, I should just lock myself away in a cabin for a month with a mountain of food and booze (and tissues). VACATION SORTED, THANKS. :D

      I do try to keep the two mediums separate, whatever the book to film is. They just can’t be the same – books are populated, cast, location scouted by your own thoughts, so there will always be a disappointment in things not looking “just right.” Which is why I loved “Misery” as a film because Kathy Bates WAS Annie Wilkes. If you can see them as two separate things, there goes the bitching UNLESS THAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ACTIVITY, in which case, HAVE AT IT, MY FRIEND! *tops off your mead/passes you a chicken*

      And really, thanks so much for the support! We all do this here out of our own love of the show without pay, so it’s really gratifying to find like-minded people to get excited with. The very essence of being a fan! Thanks for sticking with me, Christian! <3

  • Richard

    Great to have you back Laura! Missed your reviews almost as much as the show (well not quite that much but you know what i mean). This show just breaks all typical tv conventions, I just hope it paves the way for other series to emulate it.

    Oberyn just screams “Don’t F*** with me” while having a sense of humour which is hilarious. He feels like what Tyrion would be in Jaime’s body. That final scene with the Hound was priceless:

    “Dude… we can get free cash, booze, get laid… it’s party time and it’s ALL LEGAL THANKS TO KING DOUCHEBAG” – P

    “Samuel Jackson Silent Stare” – H

    “You like talking out of your a** right? Let me finish your beer since you won’t be needing it soon” – H

    “Ummm… dude you don’t seem to understand the situation here. You got your name on the intro and we’re 5 red shirts about to f*** you up” – P

    “What am I doing? I’m talking to myself” – H
    “I don’t understand” – P
    “Cause there’s a dead man between me and my chickens” – H

    Rory definitely deserves some recognition this year for channeling both the Samuel “I don’t give a @#$@” stare along with the Robert De Niro “I’ll @#$@ you up” speech.

    • Hey!! Good to see you, Richard! *passes you a chicken* CHICKEN FOR ALL.

      God is there anything better than a guy with a chip on his shoulder, a smirk on his face, and the ability to follow through? It’s on my top 5 list of Things That Are Awesome To Behold. Oberyn is DEF. on that list. And you know, if Tyrion wasn’t a Lannister, they would be BFFs. THIS I BELEIVE. “He feels like what Tyrion would be in Jaime’s body.” Holy sheep balls, that’s perfection. YES. Perfect. My hat’s off to you, m’lud.

      The Hound is another who meets the things on the Things That ARe… list for sure. The man fears one thing, and those cockknocks raping and pillaging weren’t it. Also, they were standing in the way of a good meal, and Clegane is a man who really needs a good meal. There’s a lot of him to fill!

      The actors are all so perfectly cast, I mean, every damn one of them takes their character into their PORES and it pays out so beautifully on my screen. GOD, I WISH THIS SHOW WAS 20 EPS LONG if only to have them all on my TV that much longer! Glad to have you here, and if I supply the chickens next week, do bring a flagon of ale, if you’d be so kind. :D

  • Yaaay the GoT recaps are back! I love reading these after every episode, makes the experience THAT much better :D

    Also, I had a strange flit of a thought that Jame and Brienna could get paired up, but they’re not lovey-dovey enough for that, and the show is more twisted than that so it probly won’t happen :(

    I’m guessing we see the Stannises and the evil witchy red lady soon, wonder what happened to Littlefinger too?!

    Good recap!

    • Aww, you’re too kind, thank you!

      I think Brienne would be AMAZING for Jaime! Up until he was bored with her. But Brienne is the sister he never knew he needed, so he’ll most likely keep that pairing with Cersei. I mean, this is GOT where everything is horrible and wrong! :D Hahahaha. Knowing the show, he’ll end up being paired with Varys, who won’t mind his lack of a hand. ;)

  • @barnswallowkate

    Yayyyyy your recaps! I have no idea how you’ve resisted reading the books but it makes your recaps so enjoyable so I am happy you have.

    I adore every female character in this episode and I’m so glad they’re all back!

    I can’t think of anything else to add that you haven’t already said better so I’ll just wait impatiently for the next ep.

    • I’m resisting them by the sheer force of insanity. Also, because I know that once the show wraps I get to have a month-long reading vacation. \o/

      I really, really love the women of this show. Each strong in their own way, each completely individual, I LOVE THEM ALL. *pats seat next to me* We’ll wait impatiently together. ;) Glad to have you back!

  • Colleen

    LAURA! I’m almost as excited to read your recaps as I am to actually watch Game of Thrones. Thanks for another hysterical one, loved reading it, can’t wait to see what you have to say next week. YAY! OUR SHOW IS BACK!

    • Colleen!! HELLO, YOU!! *passes plate of chicken* I’m so glad you’re back to watch this with me! Seriously, these breaks between seasons are SO. LONG. But!! We have confirmation of Season 5 & 6 now, so we’ll all be together biting our nails for some time. WHEEEEE!!! And it makes me so happy to see familiar faces coming back each season. <3

  • Nicoll

    Hi, I really enjoy you recap, it is very fun, keep going and I really sorry for my english, I am good reading but very bad writing, so I’m sorry that I can’t put all that emotion that I felt when I read your pots and again sorry for my english :)

    • Why on earth should you apologize? I think it’s AMAZING that you’re not a native English speaker, and yet you’re interacting on an English-speaking comment section! Thank YOU so much for reading me! And never apologize for being awesome and multi-lingual. :)

  • Nicoll

    Thank you, I will be for here a lot, you rewiev are amazing ;)

  • Laura

    Laura! Thankyouthankyouthankyou for your recaps, my day is always brighter when I get to read them.
    I don’t want to repeat anything that has already been said, just:
    1) Oberyn Martell is awesome #ilovehimsomuch and OBERYON <3
    2) I, too, have been restraining myself from reading too much. I've always been an advocate of Book First Then Show/Movie, but I'm willing to make an exception for GoT.
    3) I can't be the only one who noticed that Podrick Payne looked FIIIIINE… during his 2 seconds of screentime, whatever.

    • HELLO TO YOU!!!

      Oh my gosh, Oberyn Martell… A girl likes him very much. :D I think I’ll enjoy the books all the more once the show wraps, truthfully. It’ll be like eating a really good burger half way to have it replaced with an amazing steak. :D

      POD. What a fun side character he is!

  • Great to see your recaps again!

    Wasn’t that a great opening scene? Darn Lannisters. Someone else noted the significance of one Stark sword being melted down, and one Stark sword returned at the end of the episode.

    Did you see this? Joffrey’s statue was up in New Zealand and people tweeted to pull it down.

    I’ll keep quiet about book spoilers but it’s great to see what you think of the show!

    • Great to have you back here!

      Oh my goodness, the opening and how seamlessly the Previously lead into it. *kisses fingers* Also, who doesn’t love sword lore/blacksmithing?

      I failed to mention here the cleverness of bookending the show with the swords (Bye, Ned! Hello, Needle!) but that is some solid writing. Man, I seriously love this show. And ha, New Zealanders are my favorite of all people. :D

  • First, let me say how delighted I am to have found HDJM! The talk site at HBO, once bustling and interesting, is now forlorn and all but abandoned. This one is perfectly balanced – logical and insightful in its recaps while still being wildly entertaining. So ok, enough sucking up …
    You and the other fans have touched on most of the main points; I will stroke a few that haven’t been mentioned much. First, when Ygritte pincushioned Jon with 3 arrows last season, I was wondering if she intended not to kill him or was just a lousy shot. That questioned was answered when Tormund chided her about leaving Jon alive. Then I got it, especially when Jon grimaced with almost every move. She never intended to kill him, but she shot him in places that would hurt every time he moved, for a long, long time. Way to get some payback, Y.

    Also, I was charmed by mention of your husband reminding you of some of the finer points of GoT. Your husband watches with you? and actually likes the show as well? and helps you do your job to boot? A marriage made in heaven, I say. Nice going, LS. I’m glad to be here. Can’t wait until next week.

    • Aww, we’re happy to have you here! We’re just a bunch of excited fans being excited together over here. :D

      Oh, and I’m right there with you re: Ygritte going for painful spots instead of killing blows. She loves him! She wants him to hurt as much as he’s hurting her! And I loved that Jon was still limping and in pain – it needs to last a while to match her aching heart, right? I seriously love Ygritte. (But then, I can’t think of a single female character on this show that I’m not excited about, truthfully.)

      Yes, my husband watches with me every week, stone-faced and turned away from me so as to not spoil me! :D He’s read all the books and very carefully answers my questions to keep me from catching on to anything that would ruin the experience of watching. Such a nice guy, right? :D

      So happy to have you here! I’ll see you next week, too! <3

      • OMG – be still my fluttering heart – he has also read the books? And doesn’t pull silly sh*t with you by baiting you or nyah nyah-ing you? An actual grown man who participates in what’s meaningful to YOU? my gosh – if one exists then surely there must be others. My hopes are revived!

        • Oh my god, my husband knows that I would EVISCERATE him if he spoiled me! :D But no, he’s lovely and thoughtful about the things I like (and I’m like that with him) and THESE PEOPLE EXIST! HE IS PROOF! ;D

  • Alex

    Hi Laura

    Great Recap!
    Just some Info about Maester Aemon (no Spoiler):
    He is the Brother of a targaryan King but not of “Mad” King Aerys II.
    He is the elder Brother of King Aegon V. Targaryen who is the grandfather of the Mad King. So Aemon is really old.

    • Ah! That’s one of those blink and you’ll miss it bits of information from early in the season, I would suspect. Thank you for the clarification and for reading! *makes note in my ever-growing book of deets*

  • Thank you, THANK YOU for including the gif of Jaime waving his new hand. When he did that in the episode, I DIED. It was so awesome and it went by so quickly.

    I just recently discovered this site due to the recent death of Television Without Pity and I’m glad I did. I just spent quite a bit of time reading every one of your Hoarders recaps, which were very well written and insightful.

    • Hey there! Oh my gosh, Jaime Lannister being sarcastic is my favorite thing. The dry wit in that family is STELLAR. ALL OF THEM. All of them are so snarky and funny.

      I’m glad you found us! We’re a bit different from TWoP (not that it’s better, just different) and I’m guessing the Hoarders recaps showed some of that. :D Oh, I loved that show. (It might be coming back! I have a direct line to Matt & Dorothy – you’ll see him and Dorothy in comments – and they’re trying to get it picked back up. I would be so happy!)

      Hope to see you next week! <3

  • After all the thoughtful posts about the symbolism of Two Swords – two swords made from Ned’s one big one, I took a tiny mind jump and wondered that if Needle was the smaller sword returned to the Starks, could there possibly be another due to be returned, even if not Valyrian steel? Whose could it be? Robb’s maybe? Who else lost a sword to the Lannisters? Or am I jumping in the wrong direction?

    • I have no idea (and if this is something in the books, anyone scrolling past, PLEASE no spoilers!) – the only other Stark-related sword I can think of is the one given to Jon by Jorah’s father, but that wouldn’t work with the parallel you’re presenting. Hmm. *strokes chin* I bet this will be something played out at the last episode of the season, neatly bookmarking the eps. Let’s see!!

  • Laura Rezko

    Your reviews are back! *rejoices*

    I’m tired and busy enough that I can’t go into a lot of detail about what I liked, but the most pressing thing to me is this: wasn’t Brienne charged by Cate to rescue Sansa? (Am I imagining this?) I’d love to see if Jaime helps get her out.

    Also, there’d better be some Gendry soon!

    • Hey, there!!

      As for Lady Catelyn and Brienne of Tarth, she did give Brienne the task of bringing her daughters to safety, which is what she was arguing about with Jaime. Jaime’s point was, “Where the hell is it going to be safe for Sansa? And who even knows if Arya is alive?” I can’t imagine Jaime helping Sansa – now a Lannister – escape, but who knows?

      Welcome back! Oh, I’m sure there will be some Gendry coming. :)

  • Laura Rezko

    I forgot another thing: you all need to go watch Honest Trailers: Game of Thrones. HILARIOUS.

  • Re: Two Stark swords. In the HBO In the Episode for Two Swords, D.B. Weiss mentions, at about min 3;40, that Arya and Needle would be used as instruments for Stark vengeance, which is only right, because “Needle is one of only two Stark swords left in the world.” I think it must be Robb’s.

    • If Robb had a sword, it’s in the hands of the Freys, now! Maybe Brann has one? We’ll find out eventually, I assume

  • GeekaGriffis

    Hey!! So not really about the episode except… I love the opening so much. There was a buzzfeed that listed 15( or something like that) things you can do during the opening instead of watching. Just goes to show the level of journalism buzzfeed does. ;) so glad this has started back and so I can read your thoughts. Yay!!!! *kermitflail*

    • I AM GLAD YOU ARE BACK!! Oh my gosh, why would anyone skip the intro?? Unless it was about how you can better enjoy the intro? I’ll have to look. :D