Game of Thrones 4.2 – The Lion And The Rose


Here, have a peaceful image of a tree.

Here, have a peaceful image of a tree.

[Previously] But. What. WHAT did I just watch?  Red Wedding? Tuh-rumped. In a totally different way, though.

Me: Nothing can shock me like the Red Wedding.

Note to self: if anyone in Westeros offers to host your wedding, SAY NO.

Okay, I needed, like, nine hours of sleep and a massage and someone to conk me over the head and make me unconscious for another nine hours to DEAL WITH WHAT JUST HAPPENED. And seriously, mad props to my husband for not spoiling me for anything because WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!?!

While watching, I shrieked at him with my hands LITERALLY in the air (but I just DID care), “WHAT DID I JUST WITNESS?” and he said: “All your dreams coming true?”

Me: NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! (Oh, Weaselteat. OH MY GOD.)

*deep breath*

*rocks out to the intro because I am a slave to its infectious rhythm*

Hey, let’s go on a lovely little forest run where everything seems normal. *polishes glasses* Wait, what the fuck? Some lovely young lady (Miranda?) is running, people are following her, and MOTHER PUNK, that is Ramsay, some bint with a bow and arrow, and limping behind, THEON GREYJOY as Ramsay sics his dogs on the girl, the idea that if she makes it out of the woods, she wins. (Lives)

Guess what? She doesn’t. I LITERALLY watched this up on my knees with my hands over my mouth. They trap her in a hollow with an arrow to the leg, all for the crime of being pretty and making the other girl angry. You thought you knew a Mean Girl in high school? WOW YOU REALLY DIDN’T. This is the most extreme version of “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” I have ever seen. They  ACTUALLY SIC THE DOGS ON HER TO EAT HER UP AND IT IS AWFUL AWFUL WHAAAAAAT.

Reek (Theon) looks away in horror, but he can’t escape the terrible sound of her throat being ripped out, can he?  Speaking of castrated cocks, we jump cut to King’s Landing where Jaime and Tyrion are served lengthy sausages, where Tyrion says, “Try the boar. Cersei can’t get enough.” Ahahaha. Best Bitch in Westeros goes to Cersei Lannister Baratheon.

Tyrion is actually an awesome brother here, genuinely wanting to help Jaime survive. He gives Bronn to Jaime for practicing his left-handed swordsmanship  (and praises to the editor for such seamless storytelling this season). Bronn takes him to a place where he fucks loud women (oh my god, I love Bronn) and doesn’t show Jaime any quarter, not after making Jaime put his new Valyrian steel sword aside in favor of a practice blade. Jaime is resentful at first, but welcomes the challenge. He’s not used to having people go easy on him lately, is he? (And mad props to the costume department, because his Gold Hand looks amazing with his Kingsguard armor.)

We see some Flayed Men of House Bolton coming home to Dreadfort. (Or Winterfell? Anyone? No, that’s Dreadfort.) Looks like Ramsay isn’t going to be able to play as he likes for much longer as his dad, Roose, gets off his horse and introduces Ramsay to his new teen step-mommy (and wow, did they eye fuck each other), Walda. One of Frey’s girls, right? Bless.

Roose wants to know where “his prize” is. Theon sleeps with the dogs, apparently, and wow, how far must Theon fall? Given the nature of this series, my guess is Theon’s peg hasn’t been knocked all the way down. Which, if that’s true: WOW. Dude, you pissed off the wrong God, Theon. And it seems that all the men of House Bolton know how much of a creep Ramsay is; they think it’s hilarious, his penchant for torture.

Ramsay brings Theon-Reek to his father, who is royally pissed about the whole dick in a box thing. Well, there goes that bargaining chip, dummy. This is why you’re nothing but a bastard, Ramsay. Ramsay Snow. Oooooh. Roose explains that he’s just screwed them over in taking Winterfell completely, Roose had to HIDE FROM GREYJOYS to get back home, okay, and all for a pet?

Oh, but this pet does tricks. He can balance a treat on his nose, walk on his hind legs, and abso-freaking-lutely will not harm Ramsay. Wanna see? REEK: SHAVE ME.

(Raise your hand if you had some The Color Purple feels and though Theon might go all “Miss Celie Gonna kill Mister” on his ass.)



Ramsay shows his dad that his pet is still valuable, because he’s learned that Bran and Rickon aren’t dead, and from Theon’s own mouth. Jesus, it’s painful to watch Theon here, right? Roose sends a man off to find the Stark boys with big promises for upward mobility. (God, we watch Theon learn that Robb is dead, and it’s painful.) Jeez, I truly feel for Theon, weasel though he is. He even instructs them to look for Jon Snow at the wall – most likely where the boys are headed. You just can’t do the right thing, Reek, damn.

Best moment: when the dude who cut off Jaime’s hand (Kingslayer Hand-taker) asks, “Who is Jon Snow?” I felt Jon Snow’s gratitude radiate throughout the kingdom that ONE PERSON DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS NED STARK’S BASTARD.

In King’s Landing, Varys once again tries to help Shae by getting her out via Tyrion. Look, he doesn’t mince words: “Your father will hang her. Does he ever make an idle threat?” Exactly. Well, that seemed to sink in.

Wedding Breakfast where Margaery’s father is introduced to his new son in law, King Weaselteat. And…Joffrey seems lovely here! He glances at GeePopPop Tywin every now for instruction and praise, and then is gracious and thoughtful and kind and WHAT IS HAPPENING. IS DOWN IN FACT UP.

If you do not marvel constantly at the sheer power that drips out of every one of Tywin Lannister’s pores, you’re watching incorrectly.

Cersei eyes Shae, mentions to Daddy who she is, and Tywin says to have her brought to him before the wedding where Tyrion can hear. Aww, they’re such an open and affectionate family; they just want to share everything.


Tyrion brings what looks like an ancient and important book (and possibly the only copy) as a gift to Joffrey. Joffrey looks to GeePopPop who gives a “Go on, like I told you,” look.

Joffrey: Yay, a book! At least it wasn’t “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” or something by Steven Covey. I hear wisdom is important, thaaaaanks.

Audience: *exhales*

GeePopPop gives Joffrey the Westeros equivalent of a drum kit/that toy that makes parents crazy but kids love, a Valyrian sword. Joffrey’s eyes light up as only a Weaselteat’s can. Let’s try it out! Oh, shit. TOO BAD THERE AREN’T ANY STARKS TO KILL RIGHT SANSA LET’S TRY IT OUT ON THIS FUCKING BOOK I HATE IT I HATE YOU TYRION I HATE YOUR FACE AND SANSA’S FACE AND I’M THE KING ME ME ME ME I WIN I AM NOT FUSSY MOTHER THE KING DOESN’T TAKE NAPS.

Uh. That was a one of a kind treasure, nitwit. But yeah, the sword is impressive.

Tyrion, back in his rooms, has to make a decision, and it’s the right one, but it’s a painful one. He tells Shae every ugly thing he can to make her unhappy enough to leave. He doesn’t love her, she’s a whore, she’s unfit, byyyyyyeeee.

He motions for Bronn to take her away (to a ship where she’ll be taken to safety so she can live in luxury and more importantly LIVE) and it’s painful. But it’s right. *sadface* “And I have enjoyed my time with you most of all, but now that time is over.” AND THERE GOES MY HEART WHEN SHE CRIES PITIFULLY. Poor Shae.

(Five bucks say Bronn asked for extra money for the face slap she gave him.)

Let’s travel to Pleasure Island, aka Dragonstone, where Stannis continues to do whatever it takes to make his crazy god happy so he can be King. Like putting his wife’s brother at the stake to be burned while Fire Crotch Mage prays. His wife Selyse is all “this is glorious, my god is an awesome GOOOOOD.” Guys? There ain’t one sane lady on this island.

This is some Pentecostal snake handling voo doo y'all muthafuckas need Jesus.

This is some Pentecostal snake handling voo doo y’all into okay? Y’all muthafuckas need Jesus. And your woman needs to quit being Sarah and the Handmaiden because it’s freaking me out how okay she is with you stepping out to make babies out of some gee dee shadow and sin. MM MM, HELL NO.

Who doesn’t like a nice dinner and a show? I mean, dinner after a ritualistic burning? Not Stannis, Melisandre and Selyse, they can’t get enough! Selyse talks about how they’ve starved, how great Stannis is, and how her hand itches to bust the shit out of her daughter for having a crap lizard face. Stannis is all, “You won’t hit my kid,” and she shrugs okay. Well… that was easy. Selyse wonders if maybe Fire Crotch Mage can talk to her?

FCM: Uh, I don’t do kids beyond birthing shadow-ninjas and letting them die after they’ve served their purpose.

Show: We have exposition to get out.

FCM: Fiiiiiiiine, hey, Newt, little princess rough face, did you watch the show tonight?

Newt: I don’t like the theater. Tell me, why does-

FCM: Why don’t you stop asking me questions. Imma let you sleep, but first I have to say that the Lord of Light is the greatest god of all time.

Cut to Summer the Direwolf (Bran’s) stalking a deer and taking it down. Awesome. Except Bran is Warging in him and that’s bad, mm’kay? You can get addicted to being in an animal? And then you forget things like your family being killed and your friends starving next to you and responsibilities and stuff, mm’kay? (And this is bad because…?) Oh, because the story needs Bran to be in full faculty so Billy Elliot/Jojen and sister can fulfill the prophesy or something. Bran is KEY to stopping the Undead (or something. It’s not wholly clear. It’s engaging, but it’s not wholly clear to us non-book readers. And that’s okay – I can wait for the story to unfold.).

They push on until they come to a Godswood tree. (The one in Winterfell with the red leaves and the faces.) Bran touches it and gets a vision, starting with Ned being in the dungeons under King’s Landing. Huh. His sword is prominent in the vision. HUH. Is that right?

Words: “Look for me. Look for me beneath the tree. (Cersei: He saw us!) North.” I mean, they’re going north…

What we see: dungeons, the ravens that came to Samwell Red Leader Porkins, a different Godswood tree, a mangled possibly undead horse, the vision Dany had of the Throne Room with snow falling (Winter has come, I assume), Cersei and Jaime catching Bran spying on them back in the first five minutes of Episode One, Bran falling, a full-grown dragon’s shadow passing over King’s Landing (oh my GOD that is so COOL) and then he snaps out of it and tells Billy Elliot he knows where to go.

WHAT IS GOING ON. Y’all, I’m coming back to this moment in the future, I know I will.

It’s a nice day for/a Wonk Wedding! Okay, so this is happening. Joffrey is getting a bride. Much different from the other weddings we’ve seen (and that set is gorgeous) because no one is crying or getting their unborn child stabbed so far. Margaery needs a standing ovation for playing the happy bride, right? (OOOOH. I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. I’LL HOLD IT.)



They’re married, Joffrey acts like a normal person and EW EW HE KISSES HER I AM SORRY FOR HER. Everyone (but Tyrion and Sansa) seem pleased. New Queen in the house, yo! Everyone files off to the reception where Tywin and Lady Olenna banter back and forth, and if Tywin wasn’t such an evil mo-fo, I’d say they’re a perfect match. She can hold her own, can Lady Olenna. (I JUST HAD ANOTHER THOUGHT. WHOA. THINGS ARE COMING TOGETHER.)

Revelry and joy is everywhere (except with Sansa and Tyrion, but they know to play their part as happy relatives). Best moment ever: Oberyn and Ellaria walking up and saying hello, Tyrion greeting them back, only to realize they were saying “Aw, yeah!” to some contortionist’s crotch. WOW, I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Some musicians play a mournful tune. (Five bucks says it’s the Rains/Reynes of Castamere.) I just realized why everyone in Westeros is so itchy to fight: lack of happy music. Someone send them an Earth, Wind and Fire record, STAT.

Olenna is sweet to Sansa, realizing how awful this must be and how shit her life really is. It really, really is. OH SNAP. She says to Sansa in regards to Robb, “WHO WOULD KILL A MAN AT A WEDDING?”


The musicians continue to play a mournful song in the background, “A coat of gold or a coat of red, a lion still has claws.” We see Joffrey’s banners, and they’re red and gold, a stag and a lion together, and I get it. OKAY. Regardless of the Baratheon taint (hurr) once a Lannister, ALWAYS A LANNISTER. That’s the message of this song here, this funereal song at a wedding. But… Hmm. This is foreshadowing something, something related to BOTH Baratheon and Lannister, and who else besides Joffrey is both?  Cersei?  (OH. MY. GOD. Do not confirm nor deny any of my claims, please, I beg of you.)

Joffrey shows that he can’t hold his drink (Tyrion is soooo embarrassed) and things start to go south, regardless of Margaery being a Bad Ass. She’s all, “Hey, I rock at PR and know that my husband’s a shit, so let’s give all the leftovers to Flea Bottom, isn’t he majestic?” Weaselteat with his chiclet teeth is so proud of himself here as if this was his idea because he is the worst.

Loras, forced to be there, makes eyes with Oberyn and wow, holy Lord, I ship that so hard it’s actually become a naval fleet. YES. Make it happen, Cap’n. Except for how Jaime’s all sidling up to Loras and threat-smiling, “So, you know how you think you’re going to marry my sister-lover? She’ll kill you and any baby you put in her. So…”

And Loras is all, “Pfft, I don’t even like her and I sure as hell don’t want to marry her, okay? But it’s not like you can either. OH SHIT SON, PUT SOME COLD WATER ON THAT BURN.”

Enter Brienne being awesome and noble and paying her respects to her new king and queen (Margaery’s all: I like ’em butch, hey girl, heyyyyyyy) when Cersei sweeps in.


Brienne: Yes, I’m honorable like that and–

Cersei: I will LITERALLY EAT YOUR FACE how DARE you be nice to him he doesn’t even TALK about you he doesn’t SNAPCHAT YOU you are NOTHING to him I AM HIS BABY MAMA and you BEST BACK OFF MY MAN. MY LOVER. Shit. MY BROTHER. WE’RE NOT FUCKING. WHATEVER, PSSSHT. *finger in aerosol can spray motion*

Okay, so will these two crazy Lannister lover sibs ever make it work? These two have really intense and strange foreplay. Now, before you go off on her, she does save some maiden from Grand Maester Flash and his nasty ways, because he is GROSS and he smells like a dead CAT and why isn’t he horribly murdered in a ditch yet? Cersei wonders about this. Out loud. To his face. (Which she would NOT eat. See: dead cat.)


Oberyn and Ellaria run into Cersei and Tywin and have a snark off. Oberyn is all, “I like how you’re acting superior to me, no really. It’s amusing. Hey we don’t rape and kill young women and their babies where I come from, which is where you sent Cersei’s daughter, Myrcella, right? The one I could have killed by now? And maybe I have? Who’s to say? Try the chicken! OBERYN OUT.”

He drops a pamphlet for local burn centers as he makes for Loras’ tent (I assume and fervently pray).

BUT SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL. Real jacked up. Joffrey demands attention because he’s going to be a pissy wonk at his wedding. He has a show for everyone: a reenactment of the war of the Five Kings as featured by Little People. Aww, Renly is riding Loras with his ass hanging out, Stannis is riding Fire Crotch Mage, etc. So it’s a class act, is what I’m saying.

Best part (by which I mean the worst) is when “Joffrey” – riding a lion with antlers (ooh, calling back the words to the song) kills “Robb Stark” and bones the wolf’s head, making sure Sansa gets an eyeful. Can this guy throw a party or what? (Or what.) The only people who really enjoy it are the cowed guests and Cersei. Cersei is fucking beside herself with glee. Even Margaery is all, “I did not sign up for this shit.”

So many shots of Sansa staring blankly. (CANCEL ALL THOSE PREVIOUS THOUGHTS. ALL ARE FOCUSED HERE. SHE IS ALSO WEARING THAT NECKLACE FROM LAST WEEK.) Joffrey makes to pay the Little People before he realizes he hasn’t insulted Tyrion in like, three minutes. So why doesn’t Tyrion get out there and perform for his King?

Tyrion, to his credit, is awesome and defers with grace (and throws some seriously masterful shade) but Joffrey is having none of that. Even the crowd is uncomfortable at this point. He pours a glass of wine over Tyrion’s head (wow, what a waste, which is exactly what Tyrion says, hahaha), and Margaery continues to try to diffuse the situation. Nope, Weaselteat is a dick and says Tyrion will be his cupbearer, making sure to remind everyone it’s meant to be a humiliation. And holy smokes, Queen Bitch [Former Regent] Cersei so. damn. happy.

Weaselteat drops his cup, wanting Tyrion to get on his hands and knees to pick it up, even going so far as to kick it under the table. Sansa gets down and picks it up, handing it to her husband. I just really love them both, okay? (And this could’ve been a chance for her to have *zips lip for a few more minutes*)

Joffrey wants Tyrion to hand it to him on his knees, emphatic about it, when Margaery once again shows how amazing she is by pointing out the massive pie being wheeled out. Well, better use that rare, only one made in a thousand years sword to cut some freaking pastry! God, he is the WORST.



Sansa wants to leave, Margaery has a piece of pie lovingly held out for her husband on a fork and HOLD THE DAMN PHONE BECAUSE ALL PREVIOUS THOUGHTS ARE CANCELLED OUT WITH THIS NEW THOUGHT. (Seriously, I am reliving “Who shot JR?” all over again.)

He’s all, “The pie is dry,” AND YEP THAT LAST THOUGHT I’M THINKING IS RIGHT I THINK, demanding Tyrion bring him more wine and is the poison maybe wine-activated? Liquid-enhanced? Because Weaselteat immediately begins coughing and choking. Margaery stares at him, then shouts, “He’s choking!” and Lady Olenna – who has been looking on with what I believed was worry and no longer think that!! – calls out, “Help the poor boy!”

FUCKING HOUSE TYRELL. Olenna cries out, “Idiots, help your king!”

Sounds like an excellent alibi/cover to me. *strokes chin*

I love that the first person to Joffrey’s side is Jaime. How’s that for a Kingsguard, asshole? Joffrey is choking and puking and chaos is everywhere, except Ser Drunken Jester materializes at Sansa’s side, begging her to leave right then “if you want to live.” HEY HE WAS IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.

It’s just Jaime and Cersei frantic at the king’s side, rolling him back and forth, because no one knows how to clear an airway in Westeros, it seems. Sweep the mouth for foreign objects, elevate the hea-  Wait, it’s Weaselteat. CARRY ON WITH THE INEFFECTUAL ROLLING. Margaery looks away, Joffrey, turning blue, bleeding from every orifice and gagging, raises a finger and points to…Tyrion, picking up his goblet. (Nope. Nuh uh.)

Let’s give the special effects department a round of applause for Joffrey’s blue face, the capillaries exploding on his cheeks, and just this whole moment as the one person whom everyone agreed was 100% THE WORST chokes on his own vomit. AND DIES HOLY SHIT HE IS DEAD. JOFFREY IS DEAD.

I guess you shouldn't have been LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON EVER Weaselteat.

I guess you shouldn’t have been LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON EVER Weaselteat.

Wasn’t that a dainty dish to set before the King?

Cersei, crying, says Tyrion is responsible, grab him and take him away, and the crowd is all, “So…should we just get our gifts and take them back, or…?”

FINAL SHOT: WEASELTEAT’S BLOODY, PUKEY, DEAD FACE. I am standing on a chair Dead Poet’s Society-style clapping for Jack Gleeson. Awesome damn job, buddy, I freaking (loved) hated your character. Well. Played.

“A coat of gold, a coat of red, a lion still has claws. And mine are long and sharp, my lord, as long and sharp as yours. And so he spoke, and so he spoke, That Lord of Castamere. And now it rains, weep o’er his hall with no one there to hear. Yes now the rains weep o’er his hall, and not a soul to hear.”

Was it House Martell? WAS IT ALL THE WOMEN? (Margaery, Olenna, Sansa??) OH MY GOD IF YOU ARE A BOOK READER DO NOT- I REPEAT- DO NOT TELL US. NO SPOILERS, PLEASE PLEASE. Hmm, maybe not Margaery since that would mess with her being the queen, since she’s not pregnant. But…You know, what, lemme put this out there: I say the FORK was poisoned, not the goblet. Which means Margaery. (Or Olenna. They brought all the food, etc., right?) Oh shit, son, I forgot about Oberyn!!

[blown mind.gif]

And as is tradition here, allow me to lay a dedication to Joffrey at his dead, bloody, weaselly feet.

An Ode To Weaselteat, King of D-Bags

A boy was born and now he’s dead
His mother had named him Joffrey.
His father the King had hair of black
Yet the boy’s was the color of toffee.

It has been said that when siblings bed
Their offspring will be a monster.
But the boy would be King, so his mother did sing
About Robert the Father (impostor).

No hand met his arse (the parenting: a farce)
As the boy grew twisted and bad.
He then chose his Queen (and did Sansa preen!)
He took her from mother and dad.

But enemies would lurk (and Joffrey: a jerk)
So he knew he would have to act swift.
For Joffrey had grown thinking only he shone,
And that he, as their King, was a gift.

His pointed chin grinned and his whiskers did twitch,
As Weaselteat plotted and schemed.
Poor Sansa did watch, Weaselteat ordered them “Chop!”
With tears poor Sansa’s eyes gleamed.

Her brother and mother and home were destroyed,
Not a stone remained, nor a rafter.
And Sansa did sleep (although yes, she did weep)
To the horror that was Joffrey’s laughter.

He was cruel, he was awful and mean, yes it’s true,
And his pleasures were growing depraved.
A new wife he did pick, but was saving his prick,
For poor Roz, the whore there enslaved.

He then took his gift, a bow wicked and swift,
And into her emptied his quiver.
His new betrothed saw and praised his true draw,
Though inside her soul it did shiver.

He shamed and he punished and beat anyone
Who dared to stand in his way.
Or more truthfully said, since he had a big head,
He outsourced these tasks for low pay.

His marriage did fall on the city at last,
And people from all corners came.
His bride, she was lovely and kind and was fair,
And waited ’til she had taken his name.

Out came the groom pie, Olenna met Margaery’s eye,
The Weaselteat ate of his dish.
More wine he demanded, of his uncle, commanded,
Yet it seemed we would all get our wish.

He choked and he coughed and he fell to the floor,
His true parents, shocked by his side.
He pointed a finger but oh, could not linger,
For a terrible poison’d been supplied.

Now who could have slipped him this terror?
Who ever would dare the King kill?
But this is the fate of cruel monarchs:
Forced to swallow their own bitter pill.

RIP, Weaselteat. Truly you were the worst.


This is what happens when you can’t sleep at 2am because of THIS DAMN SHOW. And you know, when you’re the most hated man in Westeros, it’s ridiculously easy to be killed and have far too many suspects for the right one to be sussed out.

So, a reminder: I am unspoiled. I have sworn an Oath not to read the books until the show is complete, so for the love of the bloody head of Weaselteat, NO SPOILERS. It’s a kindness, thankee Ladies and Sers. [And a round of applause to my husband and all of you book readers for not spoiling me on this HUGE PLOT POINT because that’s amazing and I love you all.]


Please like & share:
  • Maxwell James

    Hah. Snerf. CACKLE!

    (which I’ve basically been doing since last week).

    • HEE!! Oh, I bet you have!! Seriously, thank you for not letting this slip, what a FREAK OUT I had! <3

  • Oh, Laura, oh my dear, you think Joffrey was the worst? So did I, until the start of this episode. You know the old saying about choosing the Devil you know? … That creep Ramsay looks to be 10 times worse than Joff. To sic the dog’s on that poor girl – and who was that other bitch? “She’s not so pretty now, is she?” Well, neither are you, you vicious ****. Oh, LS, I think we are going to miss the little weasel in more ways than one when Ramsay gets going. (I must extend props to Jack Gleeson, the actor, tho. As much as I hated Joff the character, I could admire the acting awesome acting ability.)
    I was kind of amazed to see the Kings Landing throne room shown again, deserted, forlorn and covered in frost. Remember, the first time we saw this was when Dany made her tour through the House of the Undying a few seasons back. She approached the throne, was about to touch it – then her dragons screeched, and she chose not to touch the throne but to go to them. This has to be some sort of foreshadowing. I am not spoiling, I have no idea what’s going to happen down the line. But GRRM is a craftsman at foreshadowing. This abandoned throne room has to mean something.
    Ok, that’s enough for now. I can see why your fans from prior seasons put garlands at your feet when you logged on with the recap of the first episode. I spent the last ten minutes of watching the thing wondering just what the heck YOU were going to make of it. I guess I’m a fan now with everyone else, glad you’re back and glad to be here part of it. Check in with you later.

    • Ramsay is the MOST EVIL and WICKED of men so far, this is true. But Weaselteat had more power and dominated more people and was awful to dear Sansa so we hates him, Preciousss. (I loved hating him. I’m actually sad he’s gone, too!)

      WOW THE DOGS. That was just. I mean– I am still in shock they went there. That girl’s fear was palpable, right?

      And yes, I mentioned the throne room being the one Dany saw in her dream, too! I CANNOT WAIT FOR MORE STORY so all the symbols’ meanings are revealed. I put a note in my spiral to come back to the breakdown I added above for each little shot. I surmised it meant “Winter Is Coming.” But where I used to believe that meant the reign of the Starks *sobbing* I think it’s about the White Walkers. WHO KNOWS? (Book readers: that was rhetorical!)

      We’ll find out all in good time… (And haha, I love that you thought about me! I WAS FREAKING OUT, THAT’S WHAT I WAS DOING. Hee.) <3

  • Karen

    This is like “The Murder on the Orient Express”, what with so many suspects. You DID notice that when Lady Olenna was playing about with Sansa’s necklace, that when she withdrew her hand, the necklace was missing a crystal, yes? Just saying…. And Tyrion with the wine. And Maergery with the pie. And Sansa with the cup, remembering her father. And Tywin sitting at the table, thinking there must be a king who he could command easier. And Cersei losing her title of Queen Regent. And Oberyn wanting to pay his debts.

    I’m sad that Jack Gleason isn’t going to pursue acting any longer, but good luck to him on his academic studies! He done good here. The king is dead. Long with… whoever.

    • There are SO many suspects! Just about everyone has a reason to want him dead. God, this season is going to be awesome and I’m guessing we won’t know definitively whodunnit until mid-season, if not in the finale. YAAAAAAY.

      Jack Gleason seems like the NICEST person. I actually like that he doesn’t want to pursue acting. I listened to a TedTalk he gave about fame and perception (what a great person to give that, too) and thought how wonderful it is to have bright minds going into fields where they can be challenged (and do some good). Although I shall miss glee-hating Joffrey.

  • Sue

    Do it. DO IT. DO IT MISS CELIE YOU HAVE A WEAPON IN YOUR HAND. Hahahahaha! God is, indeed, trying to tell you somethin’!

    Death to all Weaselteats!!! I was shocked. I was agog. I, too, have no idea who the culprit was. At first, I thought he was yackin’ on a dove bone. Until the vomit and the blood streaming. That was…vivid. I will miss hating him sooooooo much.

    I wish I had theories about who and how and end games and whatnot, but I really just have plotless Oberyn/Loras slash in my brain right now. Oh and I did laugh out loud at Loras, “Well, you’ll never marry her either!” Nelly Olsenesque comeback. Glorious.

    • It feel like he gon’ to the bathroom on me. HOW CAN I RESIST A COLOR PURPLE MENTION? I cannot, that’s how.

      I seriously am going to miss hating him, too. What a fun character to despise. (And for sooooo many reasons!) And when you get that Oberyn/Loras PWP written, you send that straight on to me, you hear? Thaaaaaaaanks.

  • Katy

    This is the other big moment us book readers have been waiting for with baited breath. AND IT DIDN’T DISAPPOINT.

    For every promo I watched up to the premiere I’ve been singing “Joffrey’s gonna die!” to myself with a huge grin on my face.

    It’s kind of wonderful to see non-readers react this way and have such pleasure out of it as well.

    Until next week!

    • I am so happy to know book readers were as pleased with the emotional pay off as I was. I honestly don’t know how I have sat next to my husband every Sunday night and not have this slip out. WOW, am I grateful to you guys for keeping those lips zipped! It has to be fun to see us non-readers flailing about. :D

  • I feel so conflicted! I’m all ‘PRAISA LORD HE’S DAID’ but I’m also ‘OMG who’s the new villain now, who do I hate as much as this guy??!’
    No one else has that perfect combination of annoying and evilness the way Joffrey did. My mouth was hanging open for ten minutes straight at the end of the episode, it’s pure shock that this is only episode 2 and so much is happening.
    Gosh I love this show. Ima lie down now.

    • *puts a cold compress on your head* You nailed it precisely for me: Joffrey was so WONDERFUL to hate. He was the best worst person ever. (I mean, keep him on the throne a little longer and that would change.) I was SHOCKED. This is season finale cliffhanger stuff and it’s EPISODE TWO! *falls, weeping with joy*

      I’m guessing the show was bookended in this specific way to set the stage for Ramsay to leap to the new spot of “who can we all decide is the worst? Like, he’s not even going to be the bad guy we secretly root for.” WE SHALL SEE. I need a fainting couch…

  • Jackie

    With regards to Stannis…his wife’s BROTHER was burned at the stake. Unless he and Selyse are into group love, having his wife’s husband burned at the stake would be counterproductive, to say the least.

    • Oh, derp! That’s a typo that comes from writing at 2 in the morning because you can’t stop thinking about what you’ve just witnessed. Editing happening now.

  • GeekaGriffis

    All the hearts for the Color Purple reference. ???????? I can’t believe that happened so early in the season. You’d think they’d drag that death out. A friend of mine pointed out this happened about two chapters after the red wedding. I’ve never read the book, but I want to so bad!! I read in an article that G.R.R Martin has told the producers (?maybe show runners) how it all plays out in case he dies before he can finish the books. That’s awesome.

    • GeekaGriffis

      The ??????? Is supposed to be purple hearts. :( stupid emoji that don’t work….

    • FACT: if the Color Purple is on, I will stop everything and watch. I cry just as hard at the end as I did the first time, too. Hahaha, I’m a nerd.

      You know how I take this wedding murder #2? That we haven’t seen ANYTHING yet. Which is TERRIFYING. We can be non-book readers together, then! (Oh, bless GRRM for that!)

      • GeekaGriffis

        ;) loves nerds because I’m one too. You and me must never part….

  • Gail

    Ahahaha oh my god your ode was marvelous and I LOVED it. xD

    And I must confess, I also wondered as I watched exactly how your reactions would be. Sooooo glad to not be let down by your utter shock, ahahaha. My husband (who as you may recall hasn’t read the books) was in denial when the credits rolled. “No way he’s dead. It’s a trick. That’s far too much like fanservice, and we know GRRM is evil, so he’s still actually secretly alive, right?” But I’ve sworn not to give him any spoilers, so I had to leave him with all the cogs furiously turning in his mind ahaha.

    God, I love the script in this episode. So many epic burns delivered to various Lannisters. I just. *hearts*

    Although Shae. *heart breaks* Damn.

    Oh, random thing you wrote that made me laugh, because of trivia reasons:
    Newt: I don’t like the theater

    Her actress, Kerry Ingram, actually was one of the original Matildas of Matilda the Musical! She and the other three girls who shared the role jointly got an Olivier Award for it! So I chuckled. :D (I know you like musicals, and I think I read a review you write – on this site? – about BoM, so if you haven’t heard the soundtrack for Matilda the Musical, I hiiiighly recommend it, omg.)

    ANYWAY BACK ON TOPIC. Oh, when Sansa gave Tyrion the cup. ;__; I feel like in other circumstances, they could totally have been great friends, so I kind of sort ship them just a tiny bit. So it was a slightly heartwarming (and well-needed) moment.

    Augh, can’t wait for Sunday! Need moooooore.

    • I AM SO HAPPY SOMEONE LIKED THE ODE! I was cackling (quietly) with glee in the small hours writing it, trying not to wake my husband who had a 5am flight. Tell your husband I shared his shock (but I believed, oh I believed! With the ocular bleeding and… GAH.)

      Was there not a truly EPIC amount of shade thrown at the Lannisters?! I mean, killing Joffrey is the ultimate burn, but you feel me.

      AND MATILDA! I’ve actually not seen the musical, nor heard it (and yes, you read the BoM review here!) so I’ll have to check it out.

      I seriously ship Tyrion and Sansa as a crime fighting buddy duo. They would be so amazing. =/ HOW CAN WE MAKE IT THROUGH THE WEEK?!?

  • Jen

    Bran is KEY to stopping the Undead (or something. It’s engaging, but it’s not wholly clear to us non-book readers…)

    Unless I seriously missed something (and I’m gonna have to do a re-read of the books soon to get canon back in my head) it’s not wholly clear to us book readers either. :)

    The show is SO good wrt the source material. It’s not exact of course, how could it be? But a metric shit-load is, and the parts that aren’t work just fine. The show is so true to the immense spirit of Ice & Fire.

    The one casting I was meh on has grown on me, and the one plot point (character motivation) that wasn’t strictly necessary still works and I can see why they would have added it.

    All in all the show is SO good, and SO extremely epic, and so amazingly detailed I just can’t even. They have done a seriously, seriously amazing job on it. I heart it so very much.

    Also, by the old gods and the new – you not only write hilarious recaps but epic poetry too?

    Seven hells. Is there anything you can’t do?

    • I usually get a few book readers that like to point out details (that they know, of course, because they’re in the more immersive world of their mind and the page) that us show-watchers would have no clue to pick up on (or it hasn’t come on the screen yet), so I get a little carried away sometimes making sure people know that a) I know nothing, and b) this doesn’t necessarily upset me!

      I’m truly looking forward to being able to read these, because the show is so full and complex, that just tells me how unbelievably dense the story will be. YAY. Give me intricate world building any day. I just really love this show, even with as dark as it is. (I mean, that’s why we all gather here, right? :D)

      I think I actually like this one better than the poem for Ned or Roz. :D And THANK YOU, you are very sweet and I like that about you A LOT. <3 (Oh, and I can't do your windows or laundry.)

  • ColoradoSal

    You must check out the Game of Thrones Virtual Graveyard

    I am in mad love with Oberyn. He’s hot, sexually flexible, and snarky. What more could you want?

    During the cake eating, all I could think was “that’s got to be covered in birdshit”. I think that’s what killed Joffrey. ;-) Actually, I’m leaning toward Olenna.

    The stuff with Theon? Good god that was rough to watch. I am not his biggest fan, but my heart broke for him.

    And Brienne being in love with Jaime. I want them to get together so much.

    • Oh my goodness, that is AMAZING. I want to put flowers on all the people with only a few, though. /Mom

      OBERYN IS THE FUCKING BOMB. Wow, is that an awesome character and I ship him with EVERYONE. ME. DOORS. A MIRROR. I DON’T CARE, JUST GET ON IT.

      I’m not rooting for Theon to win or anything – at this point, I just want him to not shit his pants. :(

      Maybe it’s my slash-goggles, but I’m not seeing Brienne with a romantic love for Jaime, just a worshipful, “You are a Knight and I shall honor you, m’lud” sort of way. But I love their scenes together. LOVE.

  • Pingback: Recap Roundup: Season 4, Episode 2 "The Lion and the Rose" - - News and rumors about HBO's Game of Thrones()

  • watched this up on my knees with my hands over my mouth.
    same here. Although a little bit of it was because these hunts are actually worse in the books, and this is the first season my mom is actually watching with my brother and me (she caught up in the interim after her coworkers wouldn’t stop talking).

    I’m so glad GRRM wrote THIS episode. I usually find his episodes the better if not best in a season, except in season 3. And this was great! And book readers were able to see important details played out, and that’s all I’ll say…

    The musicians at the wedding were the cult fave Icelandic band Sigur Ros. Their music is weird, and they also do some great atmospheric soundtracks.

    Interesting to compare how Ellaria Sand can stand proud and kept-together compared with the other prominent bastards we’ve seen: mopey Jon and monster Ramsay.

    and yes, Roose Bolton’s new wife is Fat Walda. He mentioned in season 3 that he married her because he’d receive her weight in gold, but I think they’re setting up that he just might have some affection for her.

    I totally disliked Theon when reading until I got to this part of the story. and it isn’t so much “aw pity him” and more about his internal story and trying to keep a sense of self while trying to find anything positive within or without. I hope that gets across on screen. It was hard to watch that shaving scene, and how he heard about Robb’s death.

    But wow, the scene besides the wedding that amazed me was Bran’s tree vision.

    glad to hear that no one spoiled you!

    • NO NO NO *fingers in ears* NOTHING ABOUT THE BOOKS!! That’s a slippery slope conversation starter!! ;)

      I find GRRM-helmed eps so much better, too, but it makes sense given that he clearly has a talent for teleplay, and many writers DO NOT, and that he so intimately knows every single character, why they behave the way they do, etc. They’re so richly detailed! For us who have not touched the books, it gives us a lot to work with.

      Theon – wow, I just pity him at this point. *shudder*

  • Troublesome Birdsong

    Just FYI Prince Oberyn’s paramour is ‘Ellaria’ Sand. Elia was his sister that got raped and murdered. The girl Ramsay was hunting was called Tansy. Myranda is his new sadistic girlfriend with the bow; one of the girls that were sexily taunting Theon last season before Ramsay castrated him. And yes, that was a rendition of The Rains of Castamere at the wedding being played by none other than Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós.

    • I’m not sure why I’m being told all of this, since the only thing unclear for us NON BOOK READERS was that one of the girls was named Myranda, evidently) which is why I mentioned it, but okay! Thank you!

      • dinah

        I think at this point people just want to help with accuracy. God knows names (and the spelling of them) are hard to catch just by watching. I agree some book readers can be helllllla overzealous, though. Thanks for all the amazing recapping you have done and continue to do!

        • There certainly are plenty of names to get right! (Which is why I made a point to get Ellaria and Elia right in the episode in which they were featured? It was just a head scratcher, that’s all, leaving me poring over the past recaps to make sure I did get their names right.)

          I am ELATED that you’re enjoying the recaps, thank you!!

    • I just caught that there was a typo in the name – from your comment I thought you were just making sure I knew names. Don’t be afraid to say, “Is that a typo?” to me, because I will jump on that like a Frey on a Stark! :D

      (And thank you! I found two other words where I dropped the r. Derp.)

  • Lee No

    As always, amazing recap (especially the ode, well done!). These recaps are my favourite thing to relive the ep the day after.

    Ramsay and Locke talking about meeting mutilating Westeros celebrities! “Oh wow, you got the Kingslayer Hand Special Limited Edition (only 2 available)? NEEDZ!” Psychos.

    It’s really quite strange how three kids and a Hodor go to the survival equivalent of Antarctica (Lovecraft version) for some very obscure quest, and I’m saying this as a book reader.

    I love Oberyn so much. He is the best. And Ellaria looked truly snakelike in her getup.

    The Brienne/Cersei interaction was very interesting (and perfectly mirrored in the Jaime/Loras one, I see what you did there GRRM). As Cersei blatantly accuses Brienne of loving Jaime and Brienne just freezes. Her eyes widen, her lips quiver, because SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH BITCHY GIRLS WANTING TO FIGHT HER (at least with words) OVER BOYS. Poor Brienne. Then she seems to make up her mind “I can’t deal with this” and leaves. Everyone in this episode and the whole show is just amazing at their job.

    And Joffrey finally starts wearing the “I’m-about-to-get-shot-in-the-face-by-Daryl’s-crossbow”-look which suits him quite well. It was amazingly done! I was surprised how much compassion I felt for Cersei (!?) as she lost the baby boy she refused to see as the monster he had become. I’m glad you weren’t spoiled for this. Plus, the Whodunnit was set up so cleverly! WHY IS IT NOT NEXT WEEK ALREADY!?

    • Lee!! Long time, no see! These hiatuses are too long, huh? :D I’ve been a fan of the actress who plays Ellaria for a while – I can’t wait for her to have a presence in an ep again. The taste of her we got in Ep. 1 has me excited. (Even if it means that we may never have Shae again…) OBERYN IS AMAZING. He’s shooting up the ranks to fave characters, for sure. Snarky, brave, sexy… What’s not to love?

      I loved how both Jaime and Cersei went after potential lovers for one another. You can tell they’ve been doing this for years, chasing off anyone who could get in their way. Now the only thing in their way is Cersei’s rage.

      Speaking of, oh, how next week is going to be filled with it as she sits with her dead son in her arms! I really felt for the two of them there – such a waste, Weaselteat was, and yet she did love him. AHHHHH! THIS SHOW IS SO GOOD!

  • Joshua

    Another one of the names Stannis-the-Mannis called off during his leech-burning down… Red Velvet (Melisandre) got skills yo…

    • ALL HAIL FIRE CROTCH MAGE, OOOOOH OOOOOH, WITCHY WOMAN! She got the shade ‘tween her thiiiiiiIIIIIIGHS!

  • Marilyn

    Ramsey Snow is horrible, but, honestly, I have emotionally checked out from the torture. I think I got a bit overloaded last season, so the scene with Miranda I just let wash over me. I was, however, immensely impressed with the amount of POWAH he wields over Reek, omg! That was incredible. Disgusting and horrible, but incredible. Am I a bad person? Wait, don’t answer that.

    I am upset that the Brienne/Cersei interaction wound up being unclear. I guess GRRM wants this to be soopah doopah mysterioso, but I took Brienne’s reaction to be, basically, “Sweet summer child, she cray, but you can’t tell a queen she’s cray, ffs.” But now the internet has decided that Brienne <3 Jamie and ugh, maybe Brienne DOES <3 Jamie and ugh, everything's ruined. RUINED!

    Also: yes, GRRM has not told us book readers either why Bran is so speshul and what the what he's supposed to be doing and whaaaaaaaaaat is happening?! I humbly beseech you to bestow upon us MOAR SPECULATION on this front, because I am so very running out of ideas! What is his role going to be with the visions and the greensight and the warging and the old gods (weirwood tree)? Is he here to predict the endgame or be part of making it happen? If he's just predicting it, big freakin deal, we all know from previous experience that predictions can't be understood until they come to pass, so I don't get why he needs to be a certain place (NOOOORTH, okay, we gets it!) for the predicting, so that can't be all there is to it. But what then?!

    • “I have emotionally checked out from the torture” Boy, can I understand that mindset. It’s a lot. It’s been non-stop, too. Every time I think we’ve hit the bottom for Theon, we see NOPE. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I just *have* to believe it serves a purpose. This show has been too smart to just put it there for nothing. I think when/if Ramsay gets his comeuppance, it will be even more gratifying than Weaselteat getting his. (And hahah, you’re not a bad person! THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT. :D)

      I had the same reaction from the Brienne/Cersei scene. I don’t think Brienne is romantically in love with Jaime, at all. I think she has a child-like hero worship for those whom she serves, but nothing like “I’d hit it.” YOU CAN BE IN MY FANDOM OF JUST US, THEN, NOT BUYING THE BRIENNE SEX-LOVE.

      Re: Bran. OOOH, WAIT. Wait a minute. WHAT IF: his Warging is so powerful that he can get into all of the White Walker’s undead steeds and turn them to leap off a cliff into a bottomless crevasse? Or into the White Walkers themselves and make them explode in a blaze of glory? WHO KNOWS?!?!?

      • Marilyn

        I do like your concept of rotating psychopaths. We had Viserys early on before Joffrey kinda came into his own and graduated from Prince Weaselteat to KING WEASELTEAT, natch! And now we’ve moved on to Ramsey. Who is appalling. But why would they take away my feels, nooo! :'(

        YAY FOR THE FANDOM OF US! We need a no-sexing sigil of awesomeness or something cuz haters prolly gonna hate. Sadface.

        Um. Okay, so I didn’t know that I wanted exploding White Walkers, but suddenly….

        • EXPLODING WHITE WALKERS. And they rain ice and snow all over Westeros and then Jon Snow can smile and say “WINTER CAME.” Then he can look at Ygritte, waggle his eyebrows and say, “Do you want to? You don’t want to, do you?” to which she would roll her eyes and hiss, “YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW.” Then they make babies and live forever THE END.

          Man, I’m good. :D

          • Marilyn

            Holy cannoli, you are not good, you are the BEST. This is a fanvid waiting to be made, and somebody needs to make it frelling so! I want Jon and Ygritte to have a happily ever after SO BAD, but this is GOT.

            • LET US NOT FORGET THAT THE BOYS OF WINTERFELL GO SOUTH ON THE GIRLS OF THE NORTH. I mean, he won her heart with that, after all. :D

              I love Jon and Ygritte tooooooo. LOVE.

              • Marilyn

                It looks like EVERYBODY in the south knows how to go south, and they’re not picky about whose south they’re visiting. I’m thinking Dorne is the place to be, hands down.

    • Marilyn

      ALSO, Shae. I would be more sympathetic towards her (note the “more,” cuz that was honestly awful for both of them) if she hadn’t been SO DANG STUBBORN! Tyrion told her she was in danger, Varys told her she was in danger, they both said that she was basically putting Tyrion in danger as well, and she was all, “Nope, haha, don’t care!” I mean, come on! I love how loyal and determined and fierce she is, I really do, but srsly IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, SHAE, gawd.

      On the other hand…I mean, she WAS a Lady of the Night and all that jazz, so it does make sense that she would not understand that she was still appreciated even she was not getting the D. I mean, that’s pretty much how she would have learned to evaluate her personal worth. But that’s still just an insane level of fightin spirit; I can’t quite wrap my head around her motivations.

      • Her stubbornness didn’t quite make sense, right? Maybe if they hit the whole “She really believes Tyrion has power and can influence his father” angle, but because they didn’t, it just makes her seem a bit daft. I mean, NO ONE can influence Tyrion at this point. That may change, but I don’t know how. (I like your idea of her being a sex worker, and has valued herself on the basis of that alone. That works for me understanding her more.)

  • Marilyn

    It does help, and it took me a long time to get there (I finished the fifth book last January, so), but it hit me watching “Two Swords” last week that, y’know, how the heck else is she supposed to really know that he wants her and cares about her, given her history? BUT if that’s the case, why is she not saying, “Well, screw you, then, I’m audi”? She’s refusing to leave when offered really nice compensation, so it’s not like she’s staying because she’s a gold-digger, but, if it’s just that she loves Tyrion too much to leave him, how can she not understand what’s going on and at least be a little more discreet? Does she think she can play this situation? I DON’T GET HER. I love her to pieces, but she makes my head spin.

    • (I would totally make a Golddigger/Kanye joke here, except I wrote an epic rap on that for Dany last season. DAMN THESE EAR WORMS!)

      I think this is a great example of how writers need to have someone outside do a continuity check – what they think they’ve told us in the script hasn’t actually been told. I don’t mind putting two and two together, I like thinking, but I don’t want to ASSUME.

      • Marilyn

        Aw, epic raps don’t preclude future jokeage, though, right? Mustn’t look gift horses in the mouth, etc. But yes–Shae’s characterization is kinda a hot mess . Either they need to do better, or her storyline isn’t finished. At this point, I have no idea which it is. GAH.

  • Rena

    I actually felt kinda bad for Joffrey at the end. Yeah, he is the worst but at that moment he was a young boy who realized he was dying and was filled with confusion, pain and fear… Kudos to Jack Gleason on getting that across.
    And when it comes to distasteful villain-types, let’s not forget Littlefinger!
    It may have been Joffrey who shot Roz with a cross-bow last season, but it was Littlefinger who gave her to him knowing full-well what would happen. And, since he’s not dead but has been made a Lord of his own property, we haven’t seen the last of him!

    • He was a kid dying in his mother’s arms at the very end, terrified. They played that so perfectly, too! Jack Gleason is the best – the acting world will miss him!

      LITTLEFINGER! I’m so excited to see what he’s been up to, the slippery eel.

  • Allamaris

    Hey Laura, thanks for great recaps, so far these are the most fun to read! About the book, it wasn’t the only copy but you were close, I loved this short dialogue:

    “Your Grace,” Ser Garlan Tyrell said. “Perhaps you did not know. In all of Westeros there were but four copies of that book illuminated in Kaeth’s own hand.”
    “Now there are three.” Joffrey undid his old swordbelt to don his new one. “You and Lady Sansa owe me a better present, Uncle Imp. This one is all chopped to pieces.”

    • Ha, that makes me think of Moses coning down from the mountain in Mel Brooks’ “History of the World” and saying, “The Lord has given me fifteen–” He drops a tablet. “–Ten, ten commandments!”

      (I come from the place where books are precious, so even though there are still three others, WHYYYYYYYY!!?!??) :D Thanks for reading! I’m glad you’re laughing with me!