WOW. So…we’re gonna have a serious talk amongst the laughing and the joy and the joyness and the shock, m’kay?
[Previously] And holy smokes, so much happened in this episode. This is the problem with writing 800+ page books and turning those 800 page books into one season of TV. You have to cram loads into each episode. (I mean, I love it because I want to absorb every detail of this world, but it’s a lot.)
Hey new folks! Welcome! I love each and every one of you. And please note that I am NOT a book reader. I have sworn a sacred oath at the Wall (my bookshelf) to stay pristine and Unsullied. DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME. *forehead smooch*
Hey guys remember last week? Joffrey is DEAD. Dead dead dead, A HA HA HA! I mean, oh my god, this is terrible, everything is terrible, and everything is being blamed on Tyrion because Cersei hates him with everything in her. Wait, not everything, because there’s a big chunk of hate reserved for Sansa.
Who is fleeing the capital, thanks to Ser Drinksalot. After racing through back alleys, avoiding Gold Cloaks, boarding a small boat that I thought might be Gendry’s, and sailing through fog to a Ghost Ship (it just looks that way), she climbs aboard to find herself face to face with LORD BAELISH LITTLEFINGER, WHAT!?!! Oooh, he paid Ser Drinksalot to a) give her the necklace and gain her trust (it’s a fake), and b) bring her here for money. Speaking of…
BOLT TO THE FACE BETRAYAL! Sansa screams because she’s still not on board the whole “Hey, you REALLY shouldn’t trust anyone. Ever. At all.” Sansa, you in danger, gorl! Like Baelish was going to let that drunky go, come on. So…Petyr knew about the plot to kill Joffrey? ZE PLOT THICKENS! That makes me think Varys was in on it, too!!
Margaery and Lady Olenna take a pleasant tea to wonder if Margaery’s even Queen (and she’s still untouched by her husbands? REALLY?). Olenna talks about having to look at her dead husband, whom she hated, and how she didn’t really have a reaction. So Margaery, better Joffrey’s dead than give him head, hey-o! Best moment: “The world is overflowing with horrible things. We’re all a tray of cakes next to death.” If you don’t love Lady Olenna, I think you need a nap and a reevaluation of your life.
Cersei and Tommen (her next oldest – now oldest! – son) stare at Joffrey’s body lying in state. Tywin saunters over, “Hey, sport, so you ready to be a big boy King? Hmm?”
Tommen: [rubbing his eyes] I guess, GranPopPop.
Tywin: Know what makes a good King?
Tommen: Holiness? Wait, no, justice? No, um strength? WAIT I GOT IT: WISDOM.
Tywin: Aww. [ruffles grandson’s hair] You’re a fool, but a moldable fool. You’ll do everything I tell you for as long as you’re king, right?
Tommen: Mm hmm. Can I have a cookie, now? Joffrey smells.
The World: AND HOW.
WAIT. NO. WHAT SMELLS IS THE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION COMING UP. Jaime makes everyone leave so he and sister-lover Cersei can hiss and spit at each other. She’s crying softly because she hates Tyrion so much, so much! Jaime’s all, “I know, but he’s our brother.”
Cersei: Have him killed!
Jaime: That gets me hot. Let’s make out and bone.
Cersei: Okay. Wait, no. Stop it.
AND HERE IS WHERE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALK, FOLKS. This is mostly for you guys, in particular the guys who don’t understand that no means no. ALWAYS. Always. You know what’s awesome? Enthusiastic consent. Know what that sounds like? “Yes! I’m in. Let’s bone. My body is ready, so get up on this. Who’s got two thumbs and wants to ride your jock? THIS GAL!” Things like that, all with a variant of YES involved. Know what enthusiastic consent doesn’t sound like? No. Or stop it.
So, show writers, are you actually telling me that Jaime Lannister, who faced down a bear – among other things – to keep Brienne from being raped, is now going to be a rapist? ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? My husband – who y’all know NEVER spoils me – turned to me after this scene and said, “This isn’t how it is in the books at all. You need to know that about Jaime.”
So what the hell, writers/director? What the FUCK are you thinking about putting in a rape scene to indicate romance? Using this scene to get them together finally in a way that you’ve shot to indicate passion, like they just can’t help themselves? That is fucking irresponsible. You put in a rape scene and shot it in a way that makes it look like Jaime, who you’ve built up to be a good person, a person of morals, just can’t help himself. Like Cersei just deserved it, or worse, needed it.
Guys reading: you better fucking back off if a woman says no. Or “stop.” You just better. Because to do anything other is RAPE. And it should get your ass in jail. Women don’t “deserve” that, they don’t secretly “want” it, and you’re not “entitled” to sex. Ever. Putting this on screen normalizes this sort of mindset for dudes, and it’s called RAPE CULTURE and it infuriates me.
I mean, okay, Joffrey’s dead, and we’re all excited about that, BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. *deep breath*
Let’s talk about sex, Jaime. Let’s talk about sis Cersei. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that should be. *pumps leg, Roger Rabbits* I just feel strongly about this topic, because IT IS IMPORTANT.
Arya and the Hound! Let’s see what these scamps are up to. They’re constantly getting lost, that’s what they’re up to. They come across a house with a nice man and his young daughter, and after they say they fought on the side of House Tully, the man takes them in in exchange for some work. Aww! He’ll even pay the Hound with a bit of silver he kept back.
Everything is great, and it looks like they’ll be living with this family for a while. Good things DO happen in Westeros! Arya goes to bed, happy and secure. She wakes up to the little girl screaming. Uh oh. The Hound has conked the guy over the noodle and taken the silver.
Hound: Yeah, anyone dumb enough to take in someone who looks like me and tell me about their silver deserves to have it stolen. I mean, he’s going to die this Winter by someone or his own stupidity, let’s get real.
Arya: You’re the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms!
Hound: Me? Seriously? I’m an average shit, at best. Joffrey and his kind? Now, that’a man worthy of being “the worst shit.” Can we talk about Craster?Freaking Lord Bolton?? How many Starks need to die before you get your head out of your ass?
From the widower to the Wall (till Wildlings break in the Hall!). We’re given a nice inventory of just how many rapists are up at the Wall. Fun! Super awesome. I really love all this rape talk, can you tell? So Samwise Gamgee Red Leader Porkins is all, “Hey, I’m totes in love with Gilly and want her safe for always. Maybe holed up with rapists isn’t a good place for a young lady? Out of the Craster pan and into the Black Watch Fire, and all. Maybe I should relocate her to Mole’s Town, which sounds like a place where you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, but that has to be better than here? Where I’m sworn to live and never know the touch of a good woman?”
Hey, turns out? Yeah, Mole’s Town is gross and filled with Bad Things and Vices. Oh, and they’re super racist against Wildlings, so Gilly and her baby Little Morsel should be safe. *swallows nervously* Hilarious moment: close up of a condom being washed out. They’re resourceful here, at least! Sam wants her to trust him, but it’s gonna be hard, bro. Thanks for deciding my fate without asking me what I want! *resigned sigh*
So, I know you book readers love Stannis Baratheon. I do not. I mean, I don’t hate him, I’m just very meh about him and think that he should be a footnote in a history book. There’s nothing here for me to love, except that bad ass gaming table of his. He and Ser Davos talk about Joffrey’s death and how now is the time to strike. Well, you don’t have any men. I mean, Davos could buy you some? But Stannis is all stompy with fists and a sharp NO because he wants people to just love him and his righteous claim to the throne enough to fight for him, but bud, no one cares.
Davos deals with all of this by going to his Hooked on Phonics lesson with Princess Newt. He gives her a hilarious lesson in the difference between pirates and smugglers.
Davos: You ever hear of a famous pirate?
Newt: Oh, yes! I’ve read loads of stories about them, they’re grand!
Davos: How about famous smugglers?
Davos: [grinning] Precisely. Let me tell you about the Iron Bank of Braavos… HANG ON A MINUTE. I THINK THAT…wait… Yep, that’s me having an idea! WRITE ME A LETTER. Imma get yo daddy some fundage.
Did you need a reminder that Oberyn is bisexual, Into It, and completely awesome? Because this five-way he’s having with a handful of whores, that dude from earlier, and his lady-love Ellaria Sand should do it. No? Okay, then how about him dismissing all of them and offering Tywin Lannister a seat where some coitus was just interruptus’d? Or how about how he blandly responds to Tywin, assuming that Oberyn’s background in poisons means Tywin’s here to arrest him for the death of Joffrey?
But Tywin isn’t here to arrest him for that, nor does he dislike him, which is so great. Tywin totally respects him here, offers for Oberyn to be able to “interrogate” the Mountain, thereby avenging his sister’s death, to stand on the judge’s council in Tyrion’s trial, and to serve long term on the Small Council at King’s Landing, because he knows that they’ll never be the Seven Kingdoms without Dorne. Also, Dorne is apparently the only place that withstood the dragon attacks of old. Huh! I’d like to know more about that, please.
Nope, we’re moving on to Tyrion in the dungeon, visited by Podrick, the sweetest boy ever. He’s sneaked in food, paper and a quill for Tyrion, assures Tyrion that he doesn’t think his Master killed the King, and wants a list of witnesses for the trial in two weeks – and I think that anyone on that list will be murdered, given the nature of the show. Right? I mean, this is Tywin’s world, and we’re all just living in it.
Tyrion wants Sansa as a character witness, but lo! She’s flown the coop! Shoot. He doesn’t believe Cersei killed Joffrey, nor does he think that about Sansa. (Sansa is the kid who scoops up spiders and puts them outside, come on.) Since Podrick is now in danger by virtue of being loyal, Tyrion wants him to make like Sansa and flee. Get Jaime to Tyrion and then make a like a tree and get the fuck out of there, Pod. Aww, Pod was the best squire ever. :(
We fly to a peaceful little village with a sweet faced boy happily living his life when suddenly: WILDLINGS! Specifically, YGRITTE! Scarface, Gjördkr the Chîcken Eåter, and all the rest fall on these folks like a ton of blood-lusty Wildlings. The little boy is the only one spared (he focuses on Ygritte’s face) and Scarface tells the boy to run to Castle Black as warning. But first, he needs to eat. Those parents look nummy! (Be sure to finish them with a drizzle of lemon juice – the acidity cuts through the terror-laced meat, I hear.)
Once Castle Black hears of this, they’re all riled up and ready to fight. “YOU KNOW NOTHING,” JON SNOW…says. “These Wildlings will kick our butts.” The horn for
Gondor approaching Rangers sounds (just the one! Remember, if you hear three, YOU GONNA DIE.) and it’s Jon’s buddies from Craster’s, where they’ve been imprisoned. The mutineers are still there, and they’re not likely to come back and help their brothers. Great. They also know that Jon bragged about 1000 men residing at Castle Black, and they’ll blab about it being a MASSIVE LIE. So they need to die.
Let’s warm up in the desert where Dany approaches the huge city of Meereen, with kick ass pyramids in the distance. Her army is impressive, yet the people of Meereen aren’t impressed. They stand on the main wall watching as a lone rider comes out to meet her. Jorah says sexily, “They want you to send a champion to fight him.” Three women on the wall clutch their abdomens as their wombs quicken with his seed. (He’s just that potent, fellas.)
Grey Worm offers to fight, but he’s too valuable. Ser Barrister says he can do it, but he’s too old and important. Jorah flexes his mighty vocal cords (nine birds fall from the sky laying eggs) and slowly hisses in a throaty, sexy way, “Let me, Klaleesi,” and I have to stop and fan myself, but she won’t let him go either. Because he’s so very important. (She needs his voice to speak to her at night to give her sweet dreams I CAN ONLY ASSUME.)
That leaves Daario, who gives his lineage (it’s short) and says, “Let me kill this man for you.” HOW ABOUT YOU KILL THIS LADY BONER I HAVE, DAARIO? It’s making it difficult to think. Ahem. He heads out with a wink and no horse. And then is TOTALLY FREAKING BOSS by throwing a short sword into the approaching horse’s freaking HEAD, then promptly beheads the “champion.” THEN CHECKS HIS NAILS AND HIS PHONE AND SENDS A TEXT AND STRETCHES BECAUSE THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP BAD ASS, DAARIO, DAMN.
Oh, did you think he was done being awesome? Because he’s not. Arrows come flying at him, he doesn’t even flinch, then he pulls out his dick and takes a whizz on the arrows, smiling, and it’s official. I’m a fan. Damn, it’s always the cocky ones… (See what I did there?)
Dany then addresses the city in Valyrian. Wait, she addresses the SLAVES, making sure they know that their masters are liars, she’s awesome, and she is the Way and the Light, and everywhere she steps, the people become free. Then those people choose to follow her because she’s the Gee Dee Mother of Dragons. She’s not the enemy, the assholes holding the end of the chains around your neck are. And they’re standing right next to you. Wanna stand next to me? (Oh, she’s good.)
OOOOOOOOOOH. The wealthy people look nervous and the slaves look riled. AND THEN COMES THE CATAPULTS. What are they bombing the city with? OH SNAP, cannisters filled with collars, chains, shackles. Daaaaamn. This girl knows how to run a campaign, okay?
Awesome final shot: a slave picking up a broken collar (he’s wearing a similar one) as his owner stands behind him, gulping. It is about to be on like Donkey Kong, folks. Game pieces are set and ready to strike. And I am ready to bear witness.
Next week: was that a White Walker I spied at the end of the promo? I want Winter to come, okay? (Someone hook Winter up with Jorah, that should do it. YES I AM A 12 YEAR OLD BOY MAKING SEX JOKES.) CLICK HERE FOR OATHKEEPER, the next episode!
Additional note: In comments is the Jaime/Cersei scene directly from the book. If you want to avoid ANYTHING from the books, skip that. But it’s worth reading, IMO.
Additional Note #2: The Notening! (This ain’t yo daddy’s note!): According to the director himself: and then Jaime comes in and he rapes her. So. Pretty clear what this was.