Previously: Alison realizes her monitor was sneaky Donnie all along and takes up drinking again, but this time in tiny bottles. The play ‘Blood Ties’ (a real play, btw!) is opening soon! Cosima starts her clone research at DYAD and meets Rachel, who is and always will be a stone cold bitch. I love it. Art helps Sarah, who is promptly kidnapped. But no worries, it’s Mrs. S’s people and they take her to Kira. Mrs. S is lying about not knowing anything about Project Leda. Her people betray them to the Proletarians and are promptly gunned down by Mrs. S. Byeee! Sarah and Kira escape in an old truck and take off to lay low with Felix for a while. Mark the Creepy Cowboy sneaks Helena out of the hospital to recover with him and the Proletarians at their creepy cult farm. Tomas doesn’t see Helena for the mirror twin miracle that she is and still hates her so the Proletarians shoot him. Byeee!
It’s early morning in a field. Felix, Sarah and Kira have spent the night in the truck. They talk about how crazy it is that Mrs. S coldly killed those people. Felix jumps out of the back of the truck and right into a cow paddy and I just love him even more. He freaks out as Sarah doubles over laughing. Felix wants civilization!
Stupid Daniel, Rachel’s right hand man, is at the house where Mrs. S brought Kira and Sarah but now it’s just full of the two dead people Mrs. S shot. Two dead people and lots of flies. Daniel pops back into the woods and watches as Cowboy Mark and Henrik drive up. They think they’re here to get Sarah and Kira and stare sadly at the bodies that await them instead. Henrik sighs and says no matter, they still have Helena. Gotta use what ya got, amirite? Cowboy Mark pours gas all over the place and sets the place on fire. Byeeeee!
Felix, Sarah and Kira have driven to a small town. Kira’s hungry. Felix complains that he would’ve happily eaten at the diner they passed by but Sarah threw all their credit cards away. Kira says it’s so no one can track them they’re all wtf this kid knows too much.
Felix, wearing his long duster and totally not sticking out at all in the small town local grocery store that’s playing twangy country music, is browsing the food isle as the owner stocks the shelves near the front. Kira wanders in and plays the cute little stupid kid, putting candy in her pocket and telling the owner she doesn’t have any money when he tries to stop her from leaving. Then Sarah walks in and tells Kira she was supposed to wait for her. They pay for the candy, dropping the money on the ground to distract him some more as Felix steals some food and quickly walks out. Sarah’s like, byeee, and leaves. The owner is suspicious because this is the worst scam I have ever witnessed. I thought you guys were street kids. Pffft.
Angie tells Art that she went to the hospital and some cowboy was seen on the security tapes wheeling Shakira out of the ward. Art tries to play tough and tells Angie, once again, to drop it. Angie is not cowed. No one is ever cowed by Art. Poor Art. They give each other glaring glares and she leaves.
The three thieves eat their stolen bounty in the woods. Sarah has been in this area before and tells Felix they’ll simply find an empty cabin to crash in.
Alison is glaring at the lump of monitor man snoozing on her couch in the middle of the morning. She angrily starts to vacuum around him until he begs her to stop. She’s unimpressed that he’s playing hooky from work when his boss is away. Donnie tries to sweet talk her into some marital relations, leaning back and patting the couch. “You know morning’s my best time,” he tells her in his sauciest voice. Alison looks as repulsed as she feels. “I just showered,” she bites out, and starts up the vacuum again. Donnie is hurt.
Sarah finds an ‘empty’ cabin and they make camp.
Cosima and Delphine are ready for some research. Delphine leads them into Dr. Leekie’s office, which she uses when he’s away. Cosima is in great spirits and happily jokes that they should put an eel into one of his tube experiments. Tatiana Maslany thrills the entire Clone Club Fandom with her acting as she does Cosima doing an impression of Dr. Leekie:
She brought the internet to it’s knees right there.
Delphine has something awful to show Cosima. It’s a video journal of another clone. It’s Jennifer Fitzsimmons, and she’s a healthy looking beauty with long curly hair. She’s sick with polyps on her lungs but not to worry, Dr. Leekie and the DYAD Institute is going to help her!
As she watches, Cosima tries to hide how scared this makes her and casually asks if Jennifer is okay. No, Jennifer died three days ago.
Back at the cult farm, Cowboy Mark and the ginger Gracie are looking at Helena through a door. Gracie brings her a plate of food but as she turns to leave Helena starts asking her questions. Gracie says that her father wants Helena to join their family. Helena’s all, I’ve already got a family, my awesome twin sister and my awesome niece. Gracie says Helena is barely human. Watch out, Gracie, bad things happen to the people that are mean to Helena.
Helena eats the chicken and grapes in her usual style, all shoving it in and chewing with her mouth open and talking with her mouth full. When she finds out Tomas is dead she spitefully spits some of her grapes on the ground. “Good riddance.” A blob of the half chewed grapes falls from her mouth and she handily catches it. She silently offers Gracie some of her chicken leg but Gracie just turns and leaves. Cowboy Mark opens the door to let her out and I don’t care what anyone says, he gives Helena a look of longing. True love forever. It better happen.
As he walks away, Helena keeps on wolfing down her chicken, cause if there’s one thing Helena loves besides red Jell-O and sugar and muffins and pancakes, it’s chicken.
It’s night, and everyone is asleep in the ‘empty’ cabin. Everyone but Felix that is. He’s trying to get Sarah to wake up. Someone’s coming in the cabin. Sarah, not at all alarmed, slowly opens her eyes just as the front door opens. Felix completely panics. “RUN!”
A man walks in and grabs Felix. There’s a lot of shouting and yelling and just as the man is about to hit our darling boy, Sarah shouts out his name. Cal.
I’m not sure who’s more surprised, Cal that Sarah is here or Felix that Sarah knows this Cal character. Sarah just blinks a lot.
Cal is pissed that Sarah is back cause, as you may have guessed, Sarah stole ten grand from him and disappeared years ago. Cal demands that Sarah GTFO, but right on cue Kira sleepily comes down the stairs, calling for her Mummy, and asking what all the hubbub is about.
Sarah runs over and picks her up, saying it’s just her old friend Cal. Kira, because she is brilliant, takes one look at the hot, beardy Cal and asks, “Are you my Dad?” Cal scoffs but then these faces happen:
(Side note: as the family watched this, we were all of the opinion that this big reveal was a big let down. This is how we meet the mysterious baby daddy? And this early on? In season two? Kinda anti-climatic, and we don’t know this Cal from a hole in the head so why should we care about him or the backstory? Maybe the show has more twists for this storyline and I’ll feel better about it in the future.)
Cal and Sarah take it outside and talk it out. She says she’ll leave but Cal relents and says they can stay as long as they don’t steal anything.
Alison is practicing a number for ‘Blood Ties’ but she’s not doing so well. All the songs about blood and cleaning up after the death are really getting to her. She’s cracking. CRACKING.
In the parking lot after practice Alison meets a random stranger but wait a second, that’s no stranger, that’s Angie, the pushiest detective ever. Angie pretends that she’s just a normal, everyday housewife who’s locked herself out of her car after her workout and asks to use Alison’s cell phone. Alison is immediately suspicious that Angie is another monitor, especially once Angie starts trying to be pals and asks if she can take her for a coffee as a thank you for helping her. The words are barely out of her mouth and Alison’s all, “No.” and walks away to her van, leaving Angie nodding like an idiot. You rule, Alison.
Angie says maybe some other time. Maybe no other time, Angie. How ‘bout that? Alison drives away and Angie opens her car.
Time for a Very Special Talk between Sarah and Kira. Sarah says she’s sorry she never told Kira anything about her Dad cause she wanted her all to herself. Kira calls her on that bullshit, pointing out that Sarah always left. True nuff.
Sarah explains that she was always very angry about not having any parents, and was confused, and she wants better for Kira. So that’s why she brought her to meet Cal. She says she used to really care for Cal. Kira likes his beard. Me too, Kira. Me too.
Felix and Cal chat in the barn. Felix wants to know more about him. Apparently Cal is some sort of genius who designed mini drone pollinators to help areas where the bee population has died. His partners forced him out and sold the technology to the military and now his work is used to kill people and wtf that’s a lot of private information to give to the brother of the woman that stole from you and left pregnant and never told you that you had a daughter but that’s just me I guess. We’re family now. Just wait till you meet Sarah’s twin sister, Cal. She’s the best.
Cosima and Delphine continue to watch Jennifer’s video diaries. Jennifer introduces her boyfriend, that she loves very much. Cosima knows he’s really her monitor and sadly says she sometimes forgets Delphine is hers. Delphine sweetly says that’s good.
Jennifer continues to get very sick as she vlogs. She’s grey and has lost her hair. She coughs up blood into a hospital tray that her boyfriend/monitor holds and it’s really heartbreaking. Jennifer tells the camera that she’s going to die here. This could very well be Cosima’s future of they don’t find out what’s making some of the clones sick.
Back at the Cabin of Lies, Felix confronts Sarah about coming here on purpose. She claims she thought Cal wouldn’t be here. Lies!
Felix can’t believe she lied to him for eight years about this. She wants to try to patch things up with Cal, to protect Kira. He’s not involved in this crazy clone mess. OR IS HE?
Felix is heartbroken. He tearfully says that Alison needs him – it’s opening night tomorrow and she needs him. It’s time for him to leave. Sarah scoffs a little at this and nervously rubs at the table with her fingertips, but doesn’t try to talk him out of it. Felix realizes, “There’s no place for me here” and his face crumples and omg Jordan Gavaris is killing me.
Felix leaves to say goodbye to Kira and then hitchhikes his way back home.
Delphine and Cosima are dressing in scrubs, standing at a hospital table. There is a covered body on it. Delphine asks if Cosima is ok and when she nods yes, Delphine uncovers the body. It’s Jennifer, recently deceased, and ready for the autopsy.
Cosima keeps it together, even after having a bit of a coughing fit due to her illness. You know, the same illness that killed the clone on the table here. No big deal.
They cut Jennifer open and discuss. The sores on her lips and her hair loss are a result of the treatments given. They had a limited effect. Cosima says the illness must be autoimmune. Delphine points out the large growths on the uterine wall. She thinks they originated in the uterus and spread from there, probably the cause of the infertility all the clones have. All except for Sarah and possibly Helena, that is.
Alison calls in the middle of this and Cosima lies, saying it’s her Mom. Alison tells her she thinks she’s been approached by another monitor, which means they know she’s onto Donnie, and which also means Cosima shouldn’t trust Delphine. Cosima looks at the body on the table and at Delphine and say’s that’s complicated.
Alison is feeling very alone. Both Felix and Sarah are gone so it’s up to the two of them to hold down the fort. Plus her play is tomorrow!
Cosima tells her to go through the motions with Donnie and tells her to break a leg. She’ll call her tomorrow. Alison, crumbling, crumbling, crumbling, pops some pills and bites out that maybe Delphine will throw a bag over Cosima’s head and kidnap her into a lab for experiments. Then she’ll never talk or see Cosima again! She hangs up and chugs from one of the many tiny bottles of alcohol. Cosima sighs.
And who should Alison accidentally bump into the next day but her new pal ‘Angie’! Angela airily chats about her yoga class and brings up Alison’s play. Alison will have none of it. She rounds on her, telling Angie she knows what she’s up to, so go tell your bosses it didn’t work. Angie drops the friendly friend mode and goes straight for the prize, telling Alison she’s a police officer. She wants to know about Beth and Sarah.
Angie’s completely surprised when Alison pokes her in the chest and angrily tells her to stay away from her. I guess she thought this little suburban housewife was going to crumble at the thought of the cops being onto her. Ha! Alison tied up and tortured Donnie and watched Aynesley choke to death and didn’t do a think to help her. She’s not scared of something as minor as a cop asking questions.
Back at the Cabin of Lies, Kira is asleep and Sarah and Cal bond. Sarah admits she was going to take Cal for everything but implies she cared about him so only took the ten grand. That’s true love for you. She says she’s a better person now, but is still in a ton of trouble.
The local, kind cop pulls up and Sarah hides. Cal goes outside to chat with him. Seems the cop found the abandoned truck and is looking for a couple and a little girl that stole from the local general store. Cal claims ignorance and the cop knows that someone is here but since they’re good friends the cop lets it go and leaves.
Sarah is mortified that Cal almost got in trouble. She puts on her coat and says she’ll take Kira and leave. Cal argues and wants to know what’s going on. They look into each other’s eyes and the kissing starts and it’s all loving and meaningful with romantic ooooh oooh music and WAIT WHAT. Perhaps I need to point out a very important fact and that fact is HOT PAUL. Have we all just turned our backs on HOT PAUL? Yeah so he’s working for the DYAD Institute but they have a hold over him and he’s helping Sarah from the inside and let’s also not forget that Hot Paul is hot.
OPENING NIGHT. The cast is warming up backstage with vocal exercises. One person sings, “meow meow meow” and I laughed hard. As the camera pans by the costumes we see they’re separated with labels. Aynesley has been crossed out and replaced with Alison’s name. Nice.
They all join hands and the director makes a speech, dedicating the play to their dearly departed Aynesley. The scene is cut with clips of Alison drinking backstage and peeking behind the curtain at the audience. Felix is there but I don’t know if she sees him. It’s really, really sad.
The play starts. The script is so true to her own real life issues that Alison is forgetting her lines. She glances at Donnie who gives her an encouraging thumbs up. I’m really torn on this. I want him to not be her monitor, guys. I want him to be just a dumbass that is talking to Leekie about something, but has no actual idea what’s going on. :’(
The director stage whispers her lines and she’s back on track. She starts singing, “Forgive please forgive me. Oh God, what have I done?” She can barely stand and wobbles forward, singing about how she is going to marry, to find someone to make her complete. She moves closer to the end of the stage, towards Donnie, pointing at him, practically shouting the song, “I’LL WALK DOWN THE ISLE – AAAAAAAH!” and falls right off the stage, landing with a sickening crunch.
The audience freaks out. Donnie jumps up, asking if she’s okay while someone shouts for a doctor. Do people still do that? Just call 911. Alison lays on the ground, mouth open in shock, arm twisted at an unnatural angle. Opening night did not go well. I’d still buy tickets.
Morning. Sarah and Cal are in bed. They’re very sweet to each other and Sarah gets up to make coffee. That Cal sure does forgive quickly.
Oh, look, it’s Art. He’s checking out the Proletarian’s cult farm. He takes pictures of Cowboy Mark and Henrik.
Henrik sits with our ginger Gracie. He’s full of fatherly concern as he knows Gracie has doubts. He assures her that Helena has a soul and it’s all good cause she’s totes going to be part of the family tomorrow! He walks away and Grace does not look reassured.
Daniel is driving towards Cal’s cabin-house. The friendly cop pulls him over, as he’s heard another police officer was in the area, asking around about the couple that robbed the general store. Daniel plays the nice cop role and says he should’ve stopped by to let the other officer know he was in his jurisdiction. He says he’ll be on his way.
Meanwhile, Cal and Sarah are playing cards with Kira. For someone who’s so smart, Kira never catches on that they’re totally letting her win every time. She happily runs off to feed the chickens and Cal and Sarah make googley-eyes at each other and seriously, c’mon.
Daniel drives up and walks right up to Kira but no one hears. Too busy making cow eyes at each other. Yeah, I’m bitter. (HOT PAAAAAUL). Kira screams for her Mom when Daniel starts dragging her towards the house and they eventually react. PANIC!
Sarah races towards them and Daniel pulls his gun. He tells Sarah to get in the car but she attacks him rather heroically, letting Kira escape and run to Cal. Just then the friendly cop drives up and is promptly shot a billion times by Daniel. Great work, friendly cop. He dies.
Cal gets out his shotgun and he and Daniel have a standoff. Sarah begs Daniel to stop and says he can just take her. He does, telling her to get in his car – she’s driving.
Back at the Cult Farm omg omg omg things are about to get really super creepy and inappropriate. Guess whose chicken and grapes were drugged? Yeah, that’s right: Helena’s. She’s lying in her bed, completely out of it, dressed in a long white lacy high necked nightgown. The entire cult family is standing in the room as well, the women in white dresses and the men in white dress shirts and black dress pants. There are at least three very pregnant women in the crowd. Ew.
Henrik comes forward. He’s the only one wearing a black suit jacket and fancy hat with his ensemble. He sits on the bed and pulls Helena to him, calling her a miracle, then stands up to address the crowd.
“Man’s work is God’s work, as long as you do it in God’s name!” Henrik tells his cult pals. He says God shone his light on Helena. He sits beside her again and pulls her to him, shushing her as she weakly struggles. DOUBLE EW.
Cowboy Mark is in the front row. He must be torn between seeing his new found love married off to his father figure and being full of rapturous love for his cult God. ICK.
Henrik’s wife step forward and binds right hand to Helena’s left, saying they are now bound together before God. WTF. And also: triple ew!!
It gets creepier. The crowd applauds and Henrik picks up the drugged Helena, carrying her away, newlywed bridal night-style. He walks down a hallway and I think he might be going to the barn to artificially inseminate her but I’m not 100% sure. QUADRUPLE EW.
He’s either going to violate her that way or in the old fashioned rapey way but Helena won’t take kindly to either one as she grew up pure in a convent and is proud of it. Maybe he won’t physically touch her; maybe they’ll be all thrilled with a virgin birth. Maybe all the women in that cult are inseminated. Not like it’s any better.
Meanwhile, Sarah’s driving Daniel’s car. He holds up the picture of Project Leda that he found when he frisked her. Daniel calls home base to let them know he has Sarah but not Kira and they’ll be there in eight hours.
Sarah tries to get him to leave Kira out of this and threatens his life if he touches her. Daniel instructs her to “just drive.” She does, and drives him straight into a horrific car crash, making sure their car is t-boned right on the passenger side, just like I knew she would. You really don’t want to underestimate Sarah’s quick thinking so eat a dick, Daniel.