Walking Dead 5.14 – Spend

Previously! Father Gabriel is setting up a new chapel. Alexandria found work for him, too. A gift of strawberries from someone named Rosemary has him freaking. He tears a page out, then more and more, ripping the book into shreds. DAMN SON, YOU LEFT HARD.

Father Gabriel Walking Dead,Walking Dead Father Gabriel, Seth Gilliam Father Gabriel

Fun fact! Rosemary mythologically is a symbol for remembrance of the dead. Can’t stop remembering the people you locked out of your church, Gabriel? And strawberries symbolize purity, passion and healing. I guess there won’t be healing as long as he can still remember his own dead, huh?

But enough about him. I came here to chew bubblegum and get turned on by Daryl Dixon on a motorcycle, and I’m all out of bubblegum. [dirty bass line]

NGL, I laughed at the book light jammed in one of the front headlight jacks on Daryl’s bike.

Noah meets with NPR chairperson, Reg, wanting to learn how to build, how to maintain Alexandria, how to make this house a home. Reg wets himself with excitement over the idea that Noah wants to stay, and gives him his own journal to record everything, just like Reg does.

SIDE TOPIC: Information, along with toilet paper, condoms, and tampons, will be the Apocalyptic World’s currency. One of the best stories I’ve read that deals with this topic is a short in Paolo Bacigalupi’s first book, Pump Six. HIGHLY recommend. When people learn technology–the complete ins and outs of, say, building solar power–you would memorize every step and have them tattooed into your skin. A wo/man of letters is literally someone covered in words. So much love.

Sidetracked, sorry.

Aiden takes Eugene, Glenn, Tara and Noah on a hunt for electronics so Dr. Mullet can install said shit; it seems the solar power system was a prototype and breaks often. And ahaha, Eugene totally makes me think he’s a guy who wore his A+ Certification like a badge of honor. Muhfuh, we all got trained in that shit, it’s step one. /IT hazing

They get to Allied Technologies to ransack the warehouse for parts when Glenn cautions them not to just trust one in and out, but to do a perimeter check for, you know, SAFETY.

Red Shirt BFF Nicholas is all, “Uh, we got this, lol,” and after a few moments, Aiden condescends to do a perimeter check, and “Good one, Glenn! Look at you knowing something! [head pat]” I hate this guy on sight. Tara babysits Eugene, who insists that he’s a peeper, not a fighter and will probably fall down and show his belly at first sight of danger. So you know, heads up on that.

Good thing Glenn did a check, because there are loads of Walkers at the front where they just were. They go in the back entrance, our team working well to sweep shelf after massive shelf. They find a chain link fence with dozens of Walkers trapped. Aiden can’t help but be impressed by how Glenn guessed that was what was going on.

“Well, we were out there a long time,” Tara explains. Duh.

Noah Walking Dead,Walking Dead Noah

I have only been with these people a few weeks and I’m already Level 10 on Hardcore mode, bro. You have GOT to step up, AIden.

While Tara and Eugene locate the equipment, Aiden goes wandering, coming face to face with a Walker in riot gear. He stupidly shoots the face mask, then hits the legs, loading it up with lead as Glenn tells him to stop. Guess who should have listened? Aiden, who blasts a grenade, a fire bomb blowing up in the narrow tunnels between the shelves.

Aiden got himself killed, it seems. Red Shirt BFF finds him, Glenn and Noah go looking for Eugene and Tara, who’s knocked out. Walkers start infiltrating the space, almost getting Dr. Mullet, until Glenn and Noah save the day and get Tara out. Well, that’s a FUBAR recon mission if ever I saw one.

Tara’s injury is life-threatening, so they’re trying to get her out quickly when Aiden says something. Holy shit, he’s not dead?! He’s crucified on a twisted bit of shelving with Walkers all around (can they not get to him? Tasty shish kabob right there!), and Glenn, Noah and Red Shirt BFF decide to try and rescue him. DUMB DUMB DUMB.

Eugene, stuck with Tara, says, “Remember how I said I was a coward? Well, I’m going to actually try not to be.” He throws Tara over his shoulder, loads up, and goes for broke on getting out of there. LOOK AT THE HERO ON  DR. MUDFLAP!

Glenn has to get Red Shirt to buck up so he can stomach pulling Aiden off the rebar, but he’s not going to help. “You left them. We both left them,” he hisses at Aiden. Oho! Aiden and BFF left those four people to die, they didn’t panic and die as we’d all been led to believe!

Glenn tries once more to pull him, Noah grabs him away—they have to make a break for it. INSTANTLY Walkers fall on Chicken Satay and he’s alive as they rip his guts out. Damn, went out William Wallace style, yeesh. (But you know, without the heroism and inspiring message for freeeeeeeeeeedom.)

Aiden Walking Dead crucified,crucified Walking Dead Aiden

Aiden bites it. Or rather they bite him. HURR I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK TRY THE CHICKEN. (And please note that he was crucified, yet another biblical reference)

They run and eventually get trapped in a revolving door and I just can’t believe those three can hold it in position with all those Walkers pushing on the other sides. Maybe they’ll push it so fast they all go spinning and swap out their places with more Walkers, trapping them inside Looney Tunes style! (Probably not.)

Abraham and a couple of grunts head out to a construction site to grab corrugated steel—times are evidently good enough that Alexandria is going to expand the wall. Abraham looks off into the woods, sees birds take flight, and quietly gets his weapon within grabbing distance. Will he need it? Is this just paranoia? Nope! It’s the Zombie Apocalypse! So he’s always gonna be right to grab a weapon. Walkers pour out of the woods.

Tobin, the guy flirting with Carol last week, shoots wild, blows the hydraulics on a front-end loader, tipping a lady named Francine out right into a pile of Walkers. Goddammit, Tobin, who is all “shrug” about saving her, so Abraham steps up, gets to her, gets her safely in the cab of the truck and then realizes he’s trapped.

“Mother dick.” Ahahaha.

He’s smart, gets under the truck so they follow him and are trapped, enabling him to lay a wave of bullets into their skulls, slip out to the other side where a nice cattle shoot has been formed, leaving him to take them out one by one, leveling up his Melee.

Abraham Ford Walking Dead,Walking Dead Abraham Ford

PTT! PTT! PTT! 3 for 3!

The Alexandria crew are marveling that he’s still alive. Uh, yeah. That’s sort of this thang.

Speaking of thangs and stuff, Rick investigates a “crime” of Jessie’s sculpture getting wrecked, and Mr. Sheriff is on it, Ma’am.

Rick Grimes Walking Dead

Ma’am, do you have any enemies? Would you like to have a friend? A… special friend? (me: YES)

He later gets paid a visit by Porch Dick, bearing gifts of brewskis. Rick’s good, thanks, but Porch Dick, already pretty toasty, doesn’t like it. (Raise your hand if you think Porch Dick destroyed his wife’s sculpture at this point?) He lays some “hey, we suffered here, too, okay? [stagger] So bring your kids in for a check up! Lessbe frands.” Uh, how about no?

Abraham gives Tobin shit for leaving Francine to die, and she also gets a lick in. Those two are ready to keep working even though Tobin was up for turning tail and running. Abraham goes right into leadership mode. Back at home, Tobin confesses his terrible work ethic to Deanna, Reg, and Maggie, saying Abraham should get the job. Well, that’s nice! But Deanna doesn’t like putting another of our crew in a power position. But hey, it’s because they know what they’re doing and Deanna’s people don’t, really.

During all of this, dumbest child in the world has slipped into Carol’s house wanting cookies. She all but kicks his butt out the door, telling him he better steal her some chocolate and then she’ll show him how to make them himself. Give a brat a cookie, he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to steal, and you’ll have chocolate forever.

Brat actually shows up with the chocolate, son of a… Carol will make those cookies, but she won’t like a minute of it. She doesn’t want to talk to this kid, doesn’t want to make nice. But she does learn that Brat is the one who broke the owl statue. Oho!

Brat: Why did you steal the guns?

Carole: …because sometimes you need to protect yourself. [narrows eyes, picks up on signs]

Brat: Can I have a gun?

Me: PORCH DICK!!!!

Carol: Why do you want one?

Brat: It’s not for me.

Carol: Who’s it for?

Brat: [takes off running]

[40s radio announcer voice] It’s not looking too good for our heroes trapped in the revolving door of the warehouse! I bet those Walkers would like to take their brains for a spin!

…AND THEN OUT OF THE DARKNESS, AN ANGEL COMES BEARING DUB-STEP. Eugene has made it to the van, blasts their mix, distracts the Walkers so our guys can make a safe break for it. EXCEPT. The door can only save one side. Or! Glenn could break the glass so they’re all saved!

GUESS WHO RUINS THIS PLAN? Dickless Wonder BFF, who slips out, leaving an opening for Noah to get grabbed and HOLY SHIT, Noah is dead!! Glenn is forced to witness this in all it’s horror! Oh my GOD. Nope, not watching. This is Buttons-level horrible. Glenn is stuck sitting, shaking, horrified. ME, TOO.

[woefully sobs "Everybody aaaaaaate Chris!"] WORST. DEATH. EVER. D:

[woefully sobs “Everybody aaaaaaate Chris!”] WORST. DEATH. EVER. D:

Dickless Red Shirt runs to the van, tries to pull Eugene out and says “Schnell, schnell!” But Eugene has found his inner strength and stands up to him, giving Glenn enough time to get there and knock Dickless out. And Glenn actually puts this dangerous citizen in the back of the van to take him to Alexandria! Maybe to have him bear witness? Proof of the dumbasses running the place? I don’t trust it.

Carol knocks on Porch Dick’s door and he evades letting her see Brat or Jessie. Yep! That thars an abuser.

Carol Peletier Walking Dead

Carol: You smell that?
Porch Dick: What?
Carol: SUNUVABITCH. You got that stink all over you.

Carol tells Rick Porch Dick is beating his family. Rick gets a glint in his eye that doesn’t bode well for Porch Dick. Carol knows how this goes: Porch Dick needs to go Goodbye, Earl. Well Rick? You in? He turns his wedding ring and thinks.

Eugene watches over Tara, gun pointed at Dickless Wonder, and spies Noah’s notebook. “This is the beginning” it says. In blood, Eugene draws THE END. (Not really.) But this is gonna be a hell of a beginning for our gang in Alexandria, isn’t it?

Gabriel visits Deanna, nervous and panicky. He thinks Deanna made a mistake letting in everyone else. He’s good, they can trust him, but Rick’s group… They’re not good people. (Maggie is in the house downstairs and can hear this, btw.)

Gabriel continues to say there’s no excuse for what Rick’s group has done, they’re vipers. Snakes. Satan in disguise. But Deanna wants to know why he’s just now saying this? Because they’ve been messengers with a false light, angels who are actually harbingers of doom. (Nice that it’s “Gabriel” trumpeting this, those of you who know Angel Gabriel, calling the dead to arise and be judged in End Times.)

Gabriel: This place is paradise. They don’t deserve this!

Deanna: O___O  …thank you. I have a lot to think about. [escorts him out]

Gabriel: I wish I’d come sooner. I hope it isn’t too late.

Maggie: THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

And that’s when the van pulls in, bearing news that Deanna’s son is dead. (But hey, they can make Dickless Wonder confess his sins! Yeah, that’ll happen. He’ll just lie.)

And it looks like all of our guys are in a position to take this place over. By force. Uh oh.

HEY EVERYONE. I WAS RIGHT ABOUT GABRIEL. I’m not a good enough person not to say “I told you so.” I TOLD YOU THAT BRO WAS WEAK. Ugh. Maggie’s gonna need to get Abraham on his ass.

1. Holy smokes, Noah. I can’t believe how much I care for a new character and 2. I can’t believe how AWFUL that was to watch. (I had to turn away.) And pretty sure that sign at the end with “Big Things To Come!” is a head’s up for us about the finale. We are not ready, methinks.

Next episode!

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