Game of Thrones 5.1 – The Wars To Come

Previously! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. YOU GUISE!! YOUS GEZE I AM SO HAPPY THE SHOW IS BACK GAME OF THRONES IS BACK AND MY TRIBE IS BACK AND THE OPENING HAD THE EYRIE!! And Winterfell wasn’t a ruin! OHO. I have no idea what that means, I’m just excited. Wait. Waaaaaaait.

Winterfell Game of Thrones,Game of Thrones Winterfell

FLAYED MAN ALERT!

Le gasp!! BOLTONS! [/Newman!]

 

We open with two young ladies in their best silks wading through the mud in a dark wood until they come upon a hut. [Do we know who these girls are? Has it been so long that I can’t remember who they are?] The dark haired girl doesn’t want to go inside, but the blonde is running the show and wants to see the witch who lives inside. Hey, leave that nice pagan drunk lady alone, girls! No can do, the bratty blonde demands the witch tell her her future.

Maggy the Frog Cersei,Cersei Maggy the Frog

Ladies I gotta be real with you: this mead ain’t gonna drink itself, so hurry along now and let Maggy get back to it.

Witch: Ha! Suuuuuure. You got it, kid. This is my favorite, because no one ends up enjoying this part. But I sure do!
Girl: When will I marry the prince?
Witch: You won’t. It’s a king for you.
Girl: So I’ll be a queen!
Witch: Oh, yes. …for a time. Then the plot of Snow White will undo you.
Girl: But…
Witch: And the king will have 20 children. You will only have 3. And they’re gonna die. But at least their funerals will be opulent! Sucks to be you.
Me: IT’S CERSEI! I knew it! (Yeah, yeah, we all did.)
Witch: So… Have fun with that! [passes out]

NOW: Cersei, dressed in black, goes to Tywin’s funeral and demands everyone waits until she has a moment alone with her father. Jaime is already there. Side note: that set is GORGEOUS. Great job, design crew. The Seven Gods (or whatever they’re called—we have, hmm, the god of Wine, of War, of Women, of… Water? Sawdust? Whole Roasted Chickens? Blonde Incest Children? I can’t remember them all) surrounding the altar look imposing and awesome.

One: Cersei isn’t wrong to be mad at Jaime’s action (freeing Tyrion) leading to their family’s downfall erm, downfall in a manner of speaking.
Two: Jaime isn’t wrong for having freed Tyrion.
Three: GeePopPop’s eye stones are SUPER CREEPY.
Four: why do I want the incest twins to make it work? I DON’T KNOW EITHER.

Tywin Lannister funeral stones

Please don’t do over my corpse what you two did over your son’s.

Tyrion’s box is transported to… where, we don’t know yet, but Varys frees him. It’s been a while that he’s been trapped in there, given Tyrion’s well-groomed beard. (I would expect more filth in that thing, personally.) So he had to stay in there for weeks? Even while on the ship? Pissing and shitting in there? Shoving it out of the air holes? At least you had air holes, bro, but then again, Uncle Fester had to pick them up and toss them overboard like Tyrion was a poorly trained Pomeranian, so maybe they’re even? (They’re not.)

We find out they’re in Pentos, one of Daenerys’ first stops on her Mother of Dragons tour, to see Illyrios Mopatis. [I assume that name will be of importance to me at some point.] Varys wants to talk politics, but Tyrion would rather chug wine, party foul, and chug more wine.

You have to admire the Lannisters' commitment to getting properly drunk at every opportunity.

You have to admire the Lannisters’ commitment to getting properly drunk at every opportunity. /life goals

In Meereen, the pyramid’s gold Sphynx HARPY (which makes sense when you keep reading) is toppled, and seriously, no calls out “Down below” as it careens to the ground? That’s just dangerous. One of the Unsullied goes to a whore house to pay for a cuddle and a bedtime song, when the lady slits his throat, a dude in a gold mask standing watch, and creepy Dragonborn chanting picks up. WHAT IS HAPPENING. This sect is called “The Sons of the Harpy,” and raise your hand if you at first thought that was a recast of Grey Worm who was killed? I’m so relieved to have been wrong. Also, pretty cruel to slice up an Unsullied. Stabbing is one thing, but haven’t these guys been cut enough??

Anyhoodle, Dany frowny faces this murder and wants a big funeral for the Unsullied dude to piss the Secret Society off, making them react rashly in order to allow her to ferret them out and kill them all. One hopes. Missandei finds Grey Worm and is all, “You have no Ds, why bother going to a brothel?” MAYBE THEY LIKE OTHER PEOPLE’S PLEASURE, LADY. Ahem. Sex ain’t all about the D, ffs. He’s a sweetheart, though, looking at her with longing, aching as he replies, “I do not know.” Someone let this man know the touch of a woman, STAT.

We zoom up north to the Wall where Jon Snow—who as we all know, knows nothing—imparts proper sword technique to Orry, the kid who killed the love of his life. THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT: Jon Snow is nice. This kid killed Ygritte and Jon doesn’t even hold it against him. Like, is he becoming an adopted father? “I shall take you as my own and call you Half-Squat.” ALSO: Gilly is still unimpressed with Samwell Tarley Gamgee Red Leader Porkins, but come on, lady. He killed a White Walker and a Thenn. Plus, he resembles Magic the Gathering Butt Crack guy, which is bonus points in my book.

This man is performing a most important service to mankind. Also: see? Wait, no, MtGBCG is the love child of Sam and Jon Snow. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

This man is performing a most important service to mankind. Also: see? Wait, no, MtGBCG is the love child of Sam and Jon Snow. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

And HOLY CRAP, Lord “Butt Hurt” Alliser didn’t die from wounds suffered from Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër?? He and Cap’n Yeah, Boss! bemoan the lack of proper soldiers at that outpost. Well, then I’m thinking the whole methodology of induction into the Black Watch needs to change, gentlemen. You pick up thieves, rapists and runaways, you end up with thieves, rapists and runaways.

Melissandre, aka Fire Crotch Mage—except where is her fire? Her hair is dark, leaving her looking like a Rich Man’s Tori Amos—pulls Jon away to talk with the King, staring at his young, nubile body with leech-on-the-fire longing as they make the long ride to the top of the Wall. [Me too, lady.] He notices she isn’t wearing a coat. Well, that’s because she’s too hot (hot damn!) so call the po-lice and the fireman. She’s too hot! (hot damn!) ‘Cause the Lord of Light does inspire, man. Jon Snow ain’t a virgin. (whew!) Jon Snow ain’t a virgin. (whew!) JON SNOW AIN’T A VIRGIN. SO HIS BLOOD A CROWN WON’T GIVE TO YA! So his blood a crown won’t give to ya! Sunday night and Stannis on the wall—tryna add them Wildlings [horns!].

[Sorry, that’s an earworm we’ve all been suffering from and I couldn’t help myself.]

So it’s like this: Stannis, who I loved at the end of S4, is demanding that Jon help convince Mance to bend the knee (he won’t) so Stannis can defeat the Boltons of Winterfell (not likely) and free the Wildlings so they can be integrated into Proper Society (yeah, right). And he’s only got about an hour to do so.

I... think Jon needs a comb. Or a hat.

Same, Jon. Same.

Meanwhile, THE GREATEST THING EVER IS HAPPENING IN THE EYRIE: Bad Boob Sucker Robyn is learning how to use a sword, but it makes his arm ache and the pollen count is high and he gets cramps in his legs and the sword handle has a weird thing on it and he has an eyelash stuck and his nose itches and he didn’t had his Boob Milk all week and Mummy made sure he got his vitamins and he’s cranky and wants a nap and the sun is in his eyes and WOW. “He swings a sword like a girl with palsy.” Okay, fuck you for making it a girl, random lord because Arya would fuck your shit up and she’s a girl, but your point is taken: Lord Robyn sucks balls.

Sansa, with her black hair, looks so marvelously bored I couldn’t help but cackle with glee.

Black Sansa is over your whining, Bad Boob Sucker.

Dark Sansa is over your whining, Bad Boob Sucker. OVER. IT.

A missive is delivered, Petyr Baelish reads it, instantly pockets it, and makes to leave after pulling Sansa to her feet. They’re actually leaving the Eyrie. Whaaaat? Sansa, I feel like Baelish is the physical embodiment of a white, side-paneled van with a guy asking young ladies if they’ll help him find their lost puppy. DOLORES, DO NOT TRUST HUMBERT. SANSA, I AM WORRIED.

Oh my god, Podrick and Brienne! I want them to Scooby Doo their way across the Seven Kingdoms, guys, I really do. Brienne, polishing Oathkeeper, tells Podrick to go make his own way without her. She’s not his mother, she’s not a knight, and she can’t keep her promise to Lady Stark. And oho, a carriage passes, one with Sansa and Littlefinger!! They don’t stop because that would clearly change the whole trajectory of the planned season, but we do see that Sansa is growing ever more clever, knowing who not to trust as Littlefinger explains they’re going somewhere west, somewhere so far that Cersei can’t touch her. Ooooh. BUT ARE YOU GOING TO TOUCH HER, BAELISH? Because I am grossed out by that and needed a long gulp of wine to shake it off as I watched.

Which is a perfect transition to Cersei engaging in my favorite activity: drinking away her feelings. I mean, enjoying a rare glass of wine. As she ignores Loras droning on behind her…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

…she watches as Margaery flirts with Tommen, because Margaery, aka Snow White, apparently will be who will fulfill the Witch’s prediction. Great moments: Grand Maester Cat Piss trying to talk to Cersei as she stalks towards a barefooted Lancel, the thin-haired Lannister who warmed her bed until Jaime returned, and her absolute shut down of any further contact with ol’ rambling Cat Piss, ahaha. Cersei loathes her some Cat Piss, not that I can blame her.

Apparently Lancel is some kind of religious fanatic now with his head shaved and feet bare, “Sparrows” they call themselves, and she’s mildly intrigued. VERY mildly. She’s more thirsty for that buttery, oaky Chardonnay a server is carting about, darting off somewhere private, somewhere free of sycophants telling her how marvelous her shit of a father was, only to be confronted with Lancel, who seeks her forgiveness for “leading her into darkness.” Oh, bless. Young man, that woman wasn’t led anywhere, but it’s adorable you think it’s possible. Oh, but he also wants to apologize for knowingly giving Robert Baratheon–

Lemme stop you there, she says, because that was Season One, and she’s way past that. But it’s cute you care. We are so far past the whole poisoning the king, kid. We’ve poisoned another king, have killed a potential king with a shadow ninja baby, and there now are missing dragons. Keep up.

HEY O! We meet Loras in bed with Olyvar having a lovely time when Margaery bursts in, doesn’t leave, and sits on a chair, waiting for them to finish so she and her brother can pay respects to the King. Margaery? That’s about how I would react, too. (Have I taken us somewhere too personal? I’m just saying, hot people into what they’re doing is awesome. Don’t make this weird.)

Olyver kisses him goodbye and bids them farewell. She and her brother have a very revealing convo about keeping secrets, him marrying Cersei (which I’m going on record as saying that’s not happening) thus being able to take her away from King’s Landing so Margaery can rule the city in (relative) peace, but Margaery isn’t convinced that will happen, either.

Look, let me just put this out there. If Cersei was smart, she could work the Loras is into dudes angle. Marry him, have Jaime follow her, maybe let Loras watch once or twice because Loras would be into it. HE WOULD BE INTO IT.

Varys and Tyrion hash out some whys: why save the Half Man, why leave the city, why bother? Because Varys, as we’ve known all along, craves stability on a grand scale, and that means King’s Landing. But Tyrion killed his lover with his bare hands and his father with his nephew’s crossbow.

Varys: I never said you were perfect. (ahaha)

And we learn that Varys is pulling for a certain Khaleesi, someone who has the right name, the right connections, the perfect amount of fear and inspiration. So how about it? Can the half-man help the Spider install the proper Queen?

Huh. Looks like he’ll try.

Speaking of the Khaleesi, Daario and Hizdhar come back from Yunkai where Hizdhar explains that the folks there are totally down with the Mother of Dragons ruling as long as she allows fighting pits to remain. “Human cockfighting.” Uh, that just makes her think of Daario’s dong, and he knows it, because he starts playing with his sword in front of her. THIS LITERALLY HAPPENS.

CUT TO them post coitus. And I’m sorry, but he has a weird ass. (Look, you guys break us ladies down to our most basic parts. The guy has awesome thighs, and a weird, high-flat ass. I don’t make the rules.) Daario thinks the fighting pits should be reopened. …what?

The Tale of Daario, Lover of Khaleesi, Former Gladiator of the Pits

Once there was a whore who gave birth to a rotten, disobedient son, whom she named Daario. When he came of age at 12, he was sold to a slaver to allow his mother to drink the finest hootch in peace. He proved himself time and again in the fighting pits until he became as strong as a Dothraki, as formidable as a Westorsi knight, and as clever as a Novoroshi priest. Until finally he came to be here, a freeman who controls the Second Sons, and trusted sidearm of Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Daenerys Targaryen, famous as any Gladiator in the Seven Kingdom’s history. Because he fought in the pits, he was able to climb to such great heights, inspiring those around him.

After all, he is now bedding the Mother of Dragons, she who can rule the world while he rules her bed, hey now! And somewhere on the desert plain, a sexy, throaty voice belonging to a once0devoted servant named Jorah cries out, “Khaleesi!”

It’s a pretty riveting story, from my POV. Daario also wants her to go find her prodigal son Drogon and make him fly back home and behave. You know, by only burning whole cities on her command, not little kids on hillsides on a whim.

Time to roll away the stone of Golgotha and let the other two dragons free, she guesses. (Or at least check and see if they’ve cleaned their room.) Wow, that is a huge space and where are her babies?? Oooh, a chain moves, she calls out, and in the darkness, an angry flame emerges. But they can’t hurt her can they? She flees. Hmm, maybe they can.

dragons 1

They are totally in their jerky teen stage. Also: AHHHH!!

They are totally in their jerky teen stage. Also: AHHHH!!

Up north, Jon talks to Mance, and let me just say this: if you don’t respect the hell out of Mance Rayder, you’re probably broken inside. He’s not afraid of being afraid. He’s not ashamed of it. But he knows that even though he’s set to burn to death for not swearing fealty to Stannis, it’s not worth betraying the 90 clans he made promises to, it’s not worth it to lie just to save his own neck. But then what, Jon wants to know. What about those 90 clans left behind? Left to face the White Walkers until there’s no one left to sing his story at the camp fire?

Mance: You’re a good person. But if you can’t understand why I won’t enlist my people into a foreigner’s war, then there’s no point in explaining.
Jon: I think you’re making a mistake.
Mance: The freedom to make my own mistake is all I ever wanted.

MANCE IS DROPPING SOME PLATIMUM-LEVEL EXISTENTIALISM ON US ALL, DAMN.

Cut to: Mance being led out in simple clothes and shackles before everyone, expected to climb atop his own pyre. Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër is in the audience! HE DIDN’T DIE!

Stannis: Yeah, so bend the knee and live.
Mance: Aww, that’s cute. [smiles at the crowd] I lived here for years, you know. I wish you well.
Stannis: …he’s not gonna kneel?
Mance: Nope. So I’ll just burn, then.
Stannis: Huh. Damn, I admire the hell out of this guy. It’s a shame I have to kill you.
Mance: It’s a shame I have to die!
Me: THEN DON’T MURDER HIM, YOU POMPUS GIT!
Evil Tori Amos: Well, it’s been awhile since I got to burn someone alive. [prepares to light the fucking pyre!] Stannis is the king of truth. Mance is the king of lies. [sets the pyre ablaze]
Me: YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF LIES.
Mance: [sweats, stares at Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër who is barely holding it together!!!]

Yeah, I'd be scared, too, Mance.

Yeah, I’d be scared, too, Mance.

JON SNOW HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Mance cries out as he cooks, Selyse smiles, Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër forces himself to bear witness to his king, and Jon Snow, atop a balcony, draws an arrow, ending Mance’s torment. GOD DAMN. Yes, Jon Snow. GOOD WORK, JON. And the Wildlings will respect you for it, even if they may not actually trust you any more.

…credits?! WERE THOSE THE CREDITS?! Who said it could end!?

There was a lot of exposition this episode, because it’s necessary, and it didn’t feel like an hour, did it? But then, it never does. How is it that I’m already sad I only have nine more hours left? [cries] Personally (and ha, everything here is personal) I enjoyed The Wars To Come. But then, I tend to enjoy most of the eps. UNLESS THEY MURDER MY FAVORITE. [cries more]

NEXT WEEK: WE ARE GOING TO DORNE. Don’t you think for one minute that my agony over Oberyn has lessoned, guys. Not for ONE MOMENT. But I’m excited to see Dorne. Weren’t they the only kingdom who didn’t fall to dragons? WHY IS THAT? Oh my gosh, don’t actually tell me.

WHICH LEADS TO MY REMINDER: I am Unsullied. Always Unsullied. I do not know anything in the books, I do not want to know anything in the books, and people who spoil others (or hint at stuff to get around the “Well, I didn’t outright spoil you!” are jerkfaced buttheads, and please don’t do that. Trust me, watching me flail around and get stuff right and wrong is half the fun. Also, the comments section here is the best around, with the smartest folks, all of us determined not to ruin the enjoyment for others.

Also, you might notice that I’ve changed up the chat boards/comment section, so it’s far easier to navigate, plus you can upvote comments you like. I’ll be featuring the best of your discussions each week, too! And those of you who want to keep up with posts here, you can always follow my twitter. TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS, GANG.

CLICK HERE FOR OUR BRAAVOS AND DORNE ADVENTURE, EP 5.2!

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  • Moriah Gemel

    Gods above love you for your recaps–I am without internet speed this season and my streams are laggy and choppy and I can see nothing but every 30th frame or so, so I am getting all the details from you my dear. Bless you for it, with lines like “rich man’s Tori Amos” making me laugh away.

    Can I say how much I love Varys and Tyrion? They’re my number 1 BroTP 5ever and I desperately want to watch them in a sitcom together. One and a Half-Man, if you will. They tickle me and I’m eager to see them traipse to Dany together.

    Also I missed Jorah. I feel like he would’ve had a lot to say about the fighting pits, and him not angsting in Dany’s direction left a little hole in my heart. I wonder just how good Daario’s advice is, because he’s her main advisor now, yes? I mean, pillow talk and all. IDK, I just question him sometimes. Maybe it’s the butt. The shape of it determines trustworthiness, and he is not bubble-butted with it.

    Also where is Arya? On a ship still, are we to presume?

    Excited for next week, and trying not to tempt myself into viewing the leaked episodes ahead of time, oy!

    • Hahaha, I love that you got the Tori Amos joke. :D (Then again, I think anyone into fantasy is probably going to know her. The ladies, at least.) I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR LAGGING INTERNET. That is the worst thing I’ve heard all day.

      What’s so great about the Spider and the Half Man is that they’re equals, intellectually. And sass-levels, too. They’re so delightful to see try to outsmart the other, but then concede because of mutual admiration for thoughtfulness.

      I THINK YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS JORAH. I bet he has a bubble butt, I’m just saying.

    • helkel

      Ok I have to reply to this….

      BUBBLE BUTT YOU SAY? Sooo butt shape determines trustworthiness aaaaand bubble-shaped denotes topnotch trustworthiness? Dang right you are!

      You know who has one of the nicest ass on TV?

      Capt Mal would be verra trusthworthy indeedy!!

      (*uh…is there a way to hide/unhide pictures linked in comments? Like, only click on it if you want to, otherwise its hidden in its ‘default’ view. Cos NSFW / PG etc :P So temporarily I’ll not post the link to Mal’s Bubble Butt)

      Ok toodles! Need to dedicate brain to pursuing this line of thought: Does Ser Jorah have a bubble butt, too? uh, lol…I suppose a “Thank you, Laura” is called for? :D

  • JP

    Yay, it’s up. I really enjoyed this episode watching all of the plots to kick into gear.

    For your reference, Illyrio Mopatis was the guy hanging with Dany and her brother in the very first episode. This is the same house, though the set may have changed in four seasons, that they were staying at before she married the Khal. Arya saw Varys with him in the dragon crypts way back in episode 5 I think.

    • Oho, I did not pick up on the name being the guy from the beginning! I was too new, too fresh to commit to memory all of the pieces when they didn’t reappear. *commits to memory now* I’ll need to go back to S1 and watch again! Oh, that’s a hard one for me, though, because Direwolves! Ned! The Starks all together! *cries* Oh my gosh, and Theon with all his bits still intact!

      I’m just so happy this show is back! So much to put in one episode, I know, but I’m totally good with that, personally.

      • JP

        Ah yes. I’ve gone back and watched the whole thing once and it was tough seeing everyone so happy. As an eagle eyed book reader I do enjoy all the little nods to little details that we haven’t heard from since season one. Illyrio, nice to hear about you! Kevan Lannister, we haven’t seen you since Tywin told you to knock off back at Harrenhal. And Lancel, you’re looking good after two seasons of me joking about you dying after Cersei punched you in the arrow wound.

        But if the show is the main feature, coming back around to see my favorite recaps is right behind it. I imagine there’s a lot of sass coming up this season, and I’ll enjoy your take on it.

        • Awww, thank you!! I am SO HAPPY to have my crew back with whom I can share this show! I’m looking forward to the sass and all the awesome discussion we usually have here. ;)

        • Lyanna Mormont

          Yeah, several more-or-less familiar names, faces and places are back – and Lancel does look like he’s healed well. Also, very different without the long hair (and shoes).

          But really, Cersei. When the guy who knows some of your darker secrets gets religion and starts preaching to you about how the gods can bring mercy OR JUSTICE, scoffing at his offer to pray for your father’s soul may not be the best move. Just saying.

          • Eddie H

            Oh my. Will Lancel tell all about Cersei in search of his own recompense? That could get ugly. All I’ve heard from the interviews leading up to this season is how big of a season this will be for Cersei, so we know that means drama.

  • KatyHart

    Why did there have to be a week off between Dead and Game? I missed my fix of humor, insight and awesomeness from Laura!

    Being a book reader (and I need to re-read before the new one comes out), I am quite happy with some of the changes that have been made and look forward to seeing how the showrunners and writers work them in with the other storylines.

    Also, DRAGONS. OMG DRAGONS, If everything I’m hearing about a possible Dragons of Pern movie comes true, I want Game’s effects people to be doing the dragons.

    Next week, DORNE! Woooo!

    • Oh, but I needed the break!! :D (But thank you!) And I have no idea what the changes are — I don’t need to know, either, even though I appreciate any comers-by who want to help out — but I was pleased with the storytelling this ep. I didn’t feel lost or confused as to who was who, where they were in the grand scheme of things, or the like. WHEW. That can be hard to manage when you’re condensing 800 page books into a few hours of television.

      DRAGONS!! And 13 year old me is DYING at the thought of getting a Dragons of Pern series/movie. DYING.

      • KatyHart

        The changes are mostly sublte. The one big change can still be finessed in a way to work with the book. Or not. I’m excited and intrigued to see how it plays out differently.

        Same! The rumors and whispers of a Pern movie/whatever have been floating around for a few years now. But with the visual effects capabilites we have today, I know at least they’d get the dragons right.

      • JCDavis

        Die hard McCaffrey fan here as well. I cried when she rode the largest of Gold dragons forever between. How nerdy is THAT? Supposedly there WAS one in the making by a Canadian film crew, but that was now so long ago I doubt they did anything with it.

        Didn’t mean to derail this part of your lovely comment section, but…..

        “Drummer, beat, and piper, blow
        Harper, strike, and soldier, go
        Free the flame and sear the grasses
        Til the dawning Red Star passes”

  • Lyanna Mormont

    Oh, Laura, ’tis the season again!

    Sometimes I feel like the geekiest of geeks. For example, my internal monologue during the opening sequence went something like this:

    OMG it’s starting. I can’t believe it’s really season 5. Why is it that this weird combination of a steampunky intro sequence with a medievalish fantasy show somehow works so well? And how does Djawadi not have a shelf full of Emmys for his music? HEY, it’s the Eyrie! We get the Eyrie! I still don’t get why they didn’t show that location last year, but it’s here now, and i can’t remember if that’s what it looked like all the way back in Season 1, or if it’s different. I’ll have to go back and rewatch a Season 1 intro. Winterfell! It’s not burning – FLAYED MAN! They put the Bolton banner on Winterfell, that is NOT ACCEPTABLE! DIEBOLTONSDIE! Oh, there’s the Wall. I can’t help but obsess over who’s in chrage of winching people up and down the wall in those cages. In the books, weren’t there oxen doing that? Donkeys? Horses? I should go back and reread the early Jon chapters at the Wall to check… Wow, Pentos. last seen in Episode 1, Season 1, that’s pretty cool. And Meereen with its Harpy statue. Given that it falls in the trailed, I wonder if they’ll change the model of the city in the intro after that happens?

    (My brain on GoT.)

    Aaanyway. Awesome actress for Young Cersei, she had the role down pat. That moment when she told her friend “You don’t have to be afraid of my father” and I could hear the undertone of “… but you do have to be afraid of what I will do if you don’t do as I say.” Creepy witch, check. Creepy prophecy, check.

    So much of this episode could’ve been just tailored for me. All the character moments, letting the actors do their stuff without shoving in forced dialogue to tell us what’s going on when all we have to do is look at their faces. Cersei/Jaime. Cersei/Lancel. Sansa/Littlefinger. Jon/Mance. And how amazing was Ciaran Hinds with his reaction to the prospect of being burned alive? I don’t need no stinking non-stop action, just give me depth of character and interesting relationships.

    Oh, And that Loras/Olyvar/Margaery scene. (I can’t wait to see what The Backlot has to say about it.) Hello, it’s a game of let’s tick the boxes. Male nudity. Male-on-male nudity. Loras and Olyvar both unashamed of it when Marg storms in. Marg not shying away from anything. Olyvar not leaving until Loras gives him the nod that yeah, he probably should. Marg protective of her brother. Loras not seeing the point of secrets. Marg plotting something. (Also, we get it: Dorne = sun, sand, spears and snakes.)

    Varys gets all the one-liners. Okay, maybe Tyrion had one or two, but they were more funny-ouch than funny-haha. (“I don’t think they take away your nobility for killing a whore, it must happen all the time.” Ouch.)

    And poor White Rat. He just wanted to be held, just wanted some freaking tenderness in a life that’s been distinctly devoid of human connection, and he had to pay for it, and then that vulnerability is used to KILL him. And then Grey Worm telling Missandei he had no idea, none, why an Unsullied would go to a brothel – oh, break my heart, why don’t you.

    • I AM SO HAPPY IT’S BACK TOOOOOOOOO. And pretty much for every reason you listed. :D

    • Christopher Schera

      The Bolton Banner on Winterfell was a dagger to the heart.

    • Lyanna Mormont

      Okay, more thoughts after rewatching, letting things sink in, and rereading this post:

      The flashback didn’t actually end with Young Cersei leaving the witch. She was still standing there, glaring murderously at her, when Adult Cersei was pulled out of her memory. Are we going to see more of that scene later on? Am I the only one who wondered if Young Cersei used that knife to kill the witch?

      I don’t think Missandei was being dismissive of Unsullied going to a brothel, I think she was trying to figure out what kind of needs an Unsullied might have, because it might be something that she can give Grey Worm. But he can’t talk about that, not with her, it’s too much and would leave him too vulnerable.

      It was a nice parallel between Jon training Ollie and Robin’s training in the Vale. And I must say, for all Robin’s whining and suckiness (pun intended), at least he didn’t sit down and refuse to go on, or storm off, or try to order his opponent killed for daring to hit him. He kept trying, however badly. Was he trying to impress someone? Sansa, perhaps, or Lord Royce?

      Loras has a birthmark in the shape of Dorne on his thigh. In a fairy tale, this would be proof that he was actually secretly the heir of some king or hero or elven princess. In a soap opera, it would be used as proof by his lover when revealing to his fiancée that they’d had sex. In GoT… was it just sexposition about Dorne, or will it come up again?

      Daario, maybe for you the pit fighting was a way to work your way up. But how many people did you kill along the way? Do you think THEY would be happy to see the fighting pits reopened? And come on, for all the fine talk about how now free people would be fighting, of their own free will… No. It would be the desperately poor, who needed the money so badly they’d be willing to risk almost certain death (by going up against someone like Daario) as long as the money kept their loved ones from starving to death.

      Mance. Mance doesn’t want to be the one who signs his people over to fight for a foreign king. But once he’s gone, there IS no King-Beyond-the-Wall, and the wildlings can all decide for themselves whether that’s a deal they want to take. I would expect some of them will, and some won’t. The right to make their own mistakes.

  • Christopher Schera

    So glad you’re back! I’ll need to re-read this to catch all the in-jokes and be able to comment.

  • Christopher Schera

    1. It was amazing to see that young actress play a young Cersi. She really nailed all of Lena’s mannerisms perfectly.

    2. If there is a god of Blond Incest Children, it’s kinda asleep at the wheel.

    3. It makes perfect sense that a true Unsullied would desire just to be held and treated with compassion. They were ripped away from their mothers so young, they never were able to experience it.

    4. Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër will never not make me shoot milk out of my nose. Just thinking about that Ygritte pic/gif is making my face hurt!

    5. Jon Snow is another Night’s Watch brother that’s killed a WW (Clue solution: Lord Snow, in the Lord Commander’s Quarters, with FIRE) and a Thenn. He’s also killed another Brother, so he’s got one up on Samwell.

    6. Can we get Fire Crotch Mage as a class in the next D&D edition? I’d totally play as one. (is that weird?)

    7. I was straight-up expecting Cersi to throttle Loras right there. He’s lucky all she did was walk off.

    8. I never really noticed the Snow White parallels in the story. Nice observation.

    9. I saw Lancel’s mention of his complicity in Robert’s death to be a veiled threat. ” I help you kill him. It’d be a shame if anyone found out about that…”

    10. “If Cersei was smart…” IMMA GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

    11. Daario, possessor of awesome thighs, and a weird, high-flat ass is making good points about the mother of dragons actually needing dragons. GRRM has said that dragons are the WMD of Westeros. It would be like Dany was a rogue state that conquered another country and then promptly lost and buried their WMDs. No one would fear her anymore.

    12. It’s indeterminate if flames can hurt Targaryens, Most believe they can and that’s its only under very specific circumstances (like on a funeral pyre after a blood sacrifice) that they can remain unburnt. I think we would’ve had a Krisp Khaleesi.

    13. Left blank

    14. “The freedom to make my own mistake is all I ever wanted.” >> “If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” (praise be to Geddy Lee) Ned compromised his core beliefs, and he died. Mance didn’t, and he died too. Two men very influential in Jon’s life. I hope he learns from both of them.

    15. Jon did what Ned would. He swung the sword (metaphorically) himself. Mance was an admitted deserter from the Night’s Watch. Another Brother was right to serve the sentence. I think even Stannis would respect that too.

    • Oh my gosh, my heart broke for poor White Rat just wanting a cuddle. And yep, it made total sense to me, too. And I think we’d ALL love to RP as FCM! I mean, you’ve got increased fire resistance, sex appeal (opening up new conversation options with NPCs), she’s a Class Four Mage… :D

      AGREED re: Dany. Without dragons she’s just an awesome lady. And we’re (thankfully) full up on them. You need something to set you apart, lady! Something huge, indestructible, strikes fear in the heart of Men… Starts with a D, rhymes with wagons.

      EXCELLENT POINT re: Jon admiring two men who refused to compromise their beliefs, and both dying. (Consider this comment the Featured one.) <3 I think you're right about Stannis respecting both Mance AND Jon. I mean, anyone should, really.

      • Christopher Schera

        I’d like to thank the academy for the tiny little featured trophy icon. I really wasn’t expecting this, but I do have a short speech in three acts ready for just this occasion…

        Seriously, thanks! :-)

    • Lyanna Mormont

      3. Yes. Exactly.

      5. Jon didn’t kill a White Walker, he killed a wight. A zombie is not the same as a Maker of Zombies.

      10. Hey! Cersei is smart! … When she’s not drinking, or obsessing about creepy prophecies, or blaming Tyrion for everything under the sun, or… Okay, she has the native intelligence, it’s just overshadowed by her less-than-stable mental state.

      • (Just reminding you that the Wight vs. White Walker is a book thing–they haven’t gone into the differences on the show. *fingers in ears*)

        Cersei strikes me as smart but without any fucks to give. I feel like they all fled during Blackwater.

        • Lyanna Mormont

          Um. Well, they haven’t explained anything much with words, but they’ve shown one type that looks like corpses and another that’s sort of crystal-ish? Jon killed one type and Sam the other?

          (Sorry, I kinda thought they’d been pretty clear, but sometimes what’s actually been said isn’t easily distinguishable from what I already knew. I’ll try harder.)

          • Christopher Schera

            Might’ve been a little glib with the Cersi smart comment. Your description above is perfect. She just gets in her own way with her other issues. The drinking is definitely an impediment to her rationality.

            And good catch about the different type of snow monster that Jon killed versus Sam. (intentionally kept vague for the unsullied)

          • *hugs you all over and gives you the big piece of cake* It’s not really clear to us Unsullied–like, they’re all dead but some seem to be in charge? But the wonderful thing is we’ll see more (hopefully this season??) to put all of it together! <3

            • Lyanna Mormont

              If it helps, a lot of the things we bookreaders assume are things we don’t actually KNOW, and this goes double for anything like this, where we don’t get any inside POVs. Something may seem like the logical conclusion from the circumstantial evidence we have, but it’s a world where assumptions are frequently turned on their heads. And when half the info on the White Walkers is found in old tales from thousands of years ago… Yeah. But leave readers waiting years and years for the next book, and give them the internet as a meeting ground for theories, and pretty soon everybody “knows” things that aren’t technically confirmed by the books.

            • Ludo

              Well that’s strange, it has always been pretty clear for me since the ending scene of season 2. You see clearly that there are some zombies on the ground (with cloaks of wildlings, so they were wildlings before their death) and the White Walkers riding undead horses. The White Walkers are the bearded ones, with long white hair (like Targaryens…), and with strange skin. They do not behave as zombies, they are like ice creatures and seem to have their own will.

              • Hey there! So lemme ‘splain a thing about us non-book readers: unless a person on the show actually says a name or concept, we don’t know it.

                I really don’t want to argue this sort of stuff because we skirt REALLY CLOSELY to spoilers. Just because a book reader picks up on the differences between the undead Ice Folk doesn’t mean a non-book reader will. After all, people look different from one another.

                So. Let’s just move past this since there weren’t any White Walkers in this episode, so it’s moot. :)

    • y2kaoss

      Christopher right on all fronts except re:Jon….he only killed a wight (the reanimated minions of the White Walkers). Sam is the only man alive who has killed a White Walker. That’s why he is the Slayer!

      • Welcome aboard! (And you may have missed that the discussion about the various types of White Walkers leads into Book Only territory–that distinction hasn’t been made on the show for us non-book readers, so please use caution! I’m INCREDIBLY spoilerphobic and like to stick to what the show is giving us, since I know NOTHING about the books. Thanks for being awesome about it!)

  • I’m always surprised how good the actors on this show are. Thrones surely steals all the good child actors because these often are plainly bad on every other show. That said, the veteran actors also are very good: You could feel Ciaran Hinds’ pain as Mance and Charles Dance was a magnificent corpse (sorry, not sorry).

    It’s fitting that the episode with the first (non dream) flashback includes so many returning bits. Varys and Tyrion (the Two True Kings of epic snark) at Illyrio’s house from season 1. I suppose his actor couldn’t come back and they didn’t want to recast for a cameo. However, we got three returning characters: Lancel and Kevan Lannister (who we last saw in season 2) and Mossador who is one of the unnamed slaves arguing pro-rebellion in “Breaker of Chains”. I love when the show does continuity like that.

    • I am SO SAD not to have Charles Dance on my TV every Sunday night, but damn, even dead the man has a presence! :D Totally agree with you on the child actors–absolute bumper crop of young talent.

      I love the continuity, too. (And was REALLY GLAD they hadn’t recast Grey Worm as I’d feared!)

      • Ckbythebay Tampa

        Laura, I absolutely raised my hand when you said to if we thought they had recast Grey Worm and had him snuggling in the brothel. I was saying “no way, no way!!” and then there was Grey Worm in the next scene thankfully!

        • This is absolutely why I am convinced I have the best readers in the entire WWW. :D

  • Eddie H

    I like the idea of Tryion advising Dany, but I worry that when he gets there, she’ll show her stubborn side and imprison him for being a Lannister. The Lannisters were instrumental in the overthrow of her father and murder of many of her family. Plus this show loves putting Tryion in prison cells. It just can’t go the way we hope it will. When has anything in this world gone the way it should?

    • IDK, because the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I think everyone in all Seven Kingdoms know of the Lannisters’ hate for Tyrion, and with Tyrion killing not only Joffrey but also Tywin (according to rumors, I would think), he might get a round of applause, a new title and a castle out of it.

      • Eddie H

        Hope so. They would be so formidable together.

  • Gail

    Ahhhhh it’s so nice to come back to this website every year. New Game of Thrones, new Laura recaps. It’s like visiting a spring home or something. *grin*

    Thanks for getting Uptown Funk back into my brain. *sob* But I did enjoy being able to sing along to it! :D

    • HAHAHA!! GAIL I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I swear, I get excited for all of you guys coming back, almost as much as the dang show! :D

      I am SO GLAD to dump that earworm on SOMEONE ELSE. Aha ha. Ha. Ahem. (Sorry) Hee.

  • OKAY GOOD I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT THE DEAD UNSULLIED WAS A RECAST GREY WORM PHEW

    • I AM SO GLAD TO NOT BE ALONE, TOOOOOOOOO. :D Whew!

  • helkel

    OMG I too thought that Grey Worm was recast. Thank goodness that was not the case!

    Thank you for a great recap, as always :) Very glad that the show returned and with it, the wonderful recaps and these awesome commentors! hurhur~

    I’ll be watching the show and then reading the recaps here plus following this “best around” comments section! Less commenting, more soaking up the awesomeness like before hehe.

    Cheers!

    (YE SER JORAH MENTION REMINDED ME THAT I SEE NO SER JORAH!??!?!! NOT EVEN HIS VOICE in all of the entirely too short 50mins. I know something wasnt quite right when EP1 ended: the lack of Ser Jorah, DUH! Miss him so~~~T_T

    For starters, would have loved his input on the stuff that Dany is currently troubled with. I feel that Ser Jorah would have given ‘firmer’ advice compared to the ones shes getting from her current advisors etc. As for the other things on the List of There Should Never Be An Episode of GoT w/o Ser Jorah… I leave that up to yall imaginations heh heh heh :P)

    • MY SOUL WAS COMPLETELY AWARE OF THE LACK OF JORAH, LET ME JUST TELL YOU. Unf, I miss that man. And his voice. And his EVERYTHING. I’m sure we’ll see him soon in some capacity, but UGH how Daenerys needs him and his counsel!!!

    • Eddie H

      In other words you wanted to hear Ser Jorah give sound advice that Dany would completely ignore.

      • All I see is “YOU WANTED TO HEAR SER JORAH” and promptly passed out. ;)

  • Anthony Gitto

    Well, this new ( to me) comment system doesn’t like me much (or at least my Chrome) so I switched over to IE (Hiss) to add this comment. Though now I found that Incognito mode works… MUCH better!
    As per usualy, your observations are on point and other commenters covered most of what I wanted to say. This is a bright group! I missed it!
    I love trying to catch your external references hidden in the commentary…. I noticed a few :

    1. Tropic Thunder? “I shall call youi half-squat”

    2. Did I read a Princess Bride reference? It is worded differently, but a PB reference (however indirect) will ALWAYS make me smile “You seem a decent fellow… I hate to kill you” “You seem a decent fellow… I hate to die”

    • ANTHONY!! So glad to see you’ve made it! (And huh, that’s weird about Disqus vs. Chrome! That’s what I’m using. Hopefully the issue has been resolved so I can talk with you each week!)

      Isn’t this the best group of commenters?! I love seeing y’all as much as the show. :D

      YES. TROPIC THUNDER, one of the greatest comedies OF ALL TIME. “I don’t know what it’s called. I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man’s life.”

      And DOUBLE YES, Princess Bride. High five, Tony. HIGHEST OF FIVES.

  • Hi!! Welcome aboard! I have to say, I have some of the best and brightest (and nicest) readers on the ‘net here, so I’m happy to add you to that group! Poke around, start up convos where you’d like!

  • Lyanna Mormont

    Captain Nopants! :D

  • nafeesaahmed .

    What someone else said. Game of Thrones just isn’t complete without your recap. Although I thought that was a cheaper version of Grey Worm too, until he got dead-ed.

    Moar!

    • <3 <3 <3 And WHEW, I am so glad I wasn't the only one who thought they'd (sneakily) recast Grey Worm!

  • Colleen

    Laura, our show is back!! So glad the producers of GoT and TWD tag team Sunday nights for us poor folk. So work, it sucks and makes me unable to live on the internet like I want to, but I just wanted to let you know I was reading and that I absolutely love your recaps!!

    • Hahaha, I’m also glad there’s a break in between the two shows! I like sleeping in those Mondays. :D Glad to see you back!

  • I noticed something upon my re-read: You mentioned Magic: The Gathering and Bryan Cogman (Game of Thrones producer/writer/story-editor) will write the script for movie version.

    • Ooh! I didn’t know there’s a movie version coming!