Orphan Black 3×02 – Transitory Sacrifices of Crisis

All Helena and Pupok want are some gee-dee mangoes, is that so difficult to make happen?

All Helena and Pupok want are some gee-dee mangoes, is that so difficult to make happen?

Previously: Helena was in a box with her new pal the scorpion, Delphine went to dark places, Cosima got dumped, Alison played Sarah and wants to run for School Trustee, Sarah played Rachel and tried to strangle a guy and there was a cute naked butt that wasn’t Hot Paul’s but I’ll allow it.

 

 

So pedophile moustache clone is named Seth and his crazy scarred faced brother is Rudy. Ok, good to know and easier to type.

Rudy has picked up a cute girl for sexy times. He brings her to his hotel and they start making with the sex and all is going terrific until she suddenly realizes that normal guys don’t have four hands and opens her eyes to see both Rudy and Seth.

Yeah sure, this looks hot till you see that thing on Seth's upper lip

Yeah sure, this looks hot till you see that thing on Seth’s upper lip

Let’s just say that Seth’s moustache doesn’t ignite the passion for this girl. She’s not into this scene but Rudy see doesn’t what the problem is. They’re brothers, duh.

The next day, boring Cal brings Kira and Sarah to his new, expensive home. Sarah is happy, Kira is happy, I’m zzzzzz. Whatever, Cal.

Rudy and Seth are hanging out in their hotel room when there’s a knock at the door. “He’s here,” Rudy says and opens the door and OH THANK GOD HOT PAUL IS BACK THERE IS A GOD. “At ease, soldier,” Hot Paul says and I’m not sure if he’s talking to the Castor clones or my lady boner. Probably both. Is it professional writing to say lady boner?

Side note: Paul’s hair is now black. I’ll allow it.

Hot Paul sets up and conducts logic tests on the both of them. Rudy passes like a boss while Seth has a lot more trouble answering. Rudy tries to excuse his clone brother’s inability to pass, pointing out how tired Seth is, and that they were drinking last night and did you see his moustache? Let’s not forget the awkward sexing, boys.

Either way, they get their new orders: pack it up. Extraction, don’t be seen together, you’ll get picked up tonight, byeeee. Rudy protests that they’re not done and haven’t found the original sample they’ve been searching for. Hot Paul gets hard and tells them to go back to base.

Scott comes to give Cosima her checkup and she is inexplicably getting so much better. They don’t know why and Cosima’s all, whatever, higher power or something, let’s get back to the lab and make crazy science, but not the lesbian kind cause Delphine broke up with me and she’s in Europe doing Rachel’s job or whatever.

Felix hands out the new clone phones. So he’s in charge of untraceable cell phones now? Ok I guess. Let’s get some more Felix screen time please, writers. I miss him and Alison together.

Speaking of Alison, she’s at the kid’s soccer tournament and all worked up about this School Trustee campaign. Donnie tells her that they’re low on funds cause he’s out of work and they may have to sell their house. She helpfully reminds him about the dead Leekie in their garage cement flooring so that’s a no-go, Donnie. Donnie wins for line of the season -and it’s only episode two – when he stays positive and says they’re Team Hendrix! “Fist me! Fist me!” he exclaims, holding a fist out for Alison to bump. That’s not how the saying goes, Donnie.

Donnie, marry me. I'm not into fisting, though, sorry

Donnie, marry me. I’m not into fisting, though, sorry

Alison’s old pal and pill dealer Ramone is there, selling his wares to the soccer moms. They’re his best clients. Also, he’s going to college. Alison gets a bright idea.

Oh god, more Happy Family Time With Boring Cal. They’re playing hockey in his new home when who should call but our old constipated pal Detective Art! He’s got a lead for Sarah about the Castor clones and their sex assaulting ways. She immediately takes off to talk to him, despite Boring Cal’s protests. Shut up Cal, Sarah needs to find Helena. Sarah and Cal kiss and I just don’t care please go back to Game of Thrones Cal.

Down at some secret base in an implied Middle East (not to be confused with Middle Earth), Helena is being waterboarded. It doesn’t look fun at all. Apparently the only way to fake water board a person for filming is to actually water board a person so they were really doing that to Tatiana, with doctors on hand and a rubber layer under the towel. Still unpleasant.

Do not try this at home

Do not try this at home

Helena struggles as they water board her. Soldier Castor clone is there, pouring the water on her as other soldiers hold her down and another man sits at a nearby desk and times it. When the time is up he signals and they lift the soaked towel off Helena’s face. She chokes and wheezes, not having the strength to fight as someone jumps in to take a cheek swab and another takes a blood sample. Desk guy signals that it’s immediately time for another round. But thankfully it’s called off by Dr. Cody, codename Mother. She rushes in and announces that they got Helena’s blood tests back and she’s totes pregnant. No more waterboarding for the expectant mother!

Felix is taking care of Mrs. S. She’s in bad shape from the beating. Three broken ribs and many black eyes. At least two. He tries to cheer her up, saying that Sarah will forgive her and gives her a clone phone as well. He tells her to get to work. I guess she’s gonna call her ‘people’ for clues and shit.

Cosima is back at DYAD with Scott and waiting for her meeting with Dr. Nealon. He’s the nasty doctor that was going to take Sarah’s ovary out. I guess he’s the new, less kind, Dr. Leekie. Stay away from Donnie, Dr. Nealon. Anyways, Cosima is teasing Scott by spinning his chair, making him get motion sick. This scene reminds me of Felix and Sarah goofing off in his apartment when she’s sticking her feet in his face. Very cute!

Sarah comes to the station to talk to the girl that was with Seth and Rudy. She pretends to be Detective Beth Childs again and gets her to open up. The girl tells her how Rudy got offended that she didn’t want Seth to join in. They took her ID and wrote everything down in a little notebook then yanked a piece of hair out of her head. Art is not pleased that Sarah pulled the Beth Childs move. Whatever, you’re just mad that she’s better at being a detective than you are, Art.

Alison and Donnie barter and buy Ramone’s drug business. Pills, Purple Drank, the client list, everything for $32,000 firm. Ramone, who has no idea what these two are capable of, says he’s not sure they have the stones for this business. Ha! They inform them that they do.

The Hendrixes: We Got Ample Stones!

The Hendrixes: We Got Ample Stones!

Something is wrong with Seth. He’s losing control and having flashes as he waits at his designated pickup location to go back to base as ordered. Rudy calls him and says he’s not going back to base. He knows Seth is ‘glitching’ and he’s going to finish the job and find Duncan’s research.

Helena is getting the logic test too. “All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion: all mangoes are cheap, true or false?” Helena looks over to see her old friend the scorpion crawling around on the floor, purring and clicking. The scorpion’s name, btw, is ‘Pupok’ which means bellybutton in Ukrainian and I love it to death.

We like mangoes. Where are these mangoes?” Pupok asks and Helena agrees, asking the soldier conducting the tests, “Where are these mangoes?” He sighs. “I would like to…see these mangoes,” she says, in all seriousness. The Castor clone soldier standing guard has clearly had enough of Helena’s shenanigans and orders her to answer the doctor’s question. “I met your brother, he’s ugly,” she taunts. He makes a move towards her but Mother has come into the room and stops him.

Keep provoking them and we won’t get any mangoes,” Pupok clicks. I laughed when Helena whirled around to Pupok and hissed, “Silence, insect!” They must think she’s absolutely crazy.

Mother take Helena outside, gives her some salad, and tries to turn her against her sisters, lying that they sold her out. Helena doesn’t believe her, thank god. Suck it, Mother you lying dick.

Dressing on the side

Dressing on the side

“These Mark-faced boys, they are your babies?” Helena asks Mother. Mark-faced boys! Helena, you are amazing.

Rudy goes to Felix’s, easily breaking in and seriously I don’t know why he bothers to have a door. He sees the painting of Sarah with the Xs over her eyes as he looks for any kind of research from Duncan.

Sarah goes to ask Mrs. S to help her get a hold of Paul but she says he’s gone dark. Is she talking about being unable to contact him or his new hair colour? Hahahaha, good joke. She tells Sarah that the best thing she could do would be to take Kira and run, just like Mrs. S did herself, years ago. Sarah refuses.

Boring Cal is unpacking his boring dishes when who should show up but Hot Paul. He needs to see Sarah. Cal tries to throw shade at Paul for being a jerk army dude with secrets and doing bad army stuff so Paul throws it right back to Cal, mentioning how Cal made it rich by designing weapons and being a war profiteer, sure wonder if Sarah knows about that huh Cal?

Derp

Derp

Want some ointment for that burn?

Want some ointment for that burn?

Paul warns Cal that the deal made with Helena was to buy Sarah time and space and she needs to get out of here. Oh Hot Paul, always protecting Sarah. HEART

Sarah and Kira are back at Felix’s. They decide they want to live with Cal. Yuck. Sarah goes to run the bath for Kira and misses a call from Cal. Kira goes into her cool little fort and finds Rudy with some new makeup:

Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Sarah’s terrified. She honestly answers everything he asks abut Duncan but truly doesn’t have any tissue samples or the original clone genome or really any information to help him.

Seth is downstairs, guarding the stairwell and keeping Cal from coming upstairs. Seth starts to really lose it, mumbling bits and pieces from the logic tests and finally collapsing in pain, screaming as Cal looks on, unsure if he should rush past him to help Sarah or just stand there like a moron and stare. He chooses stare. Fail.

Sarah begs Rudy to let Kira go, saying that Seth is sick. She thinks the doctors messed with them, made them sick, and Rudy finally runs out, hearing Seth’s screams. When he finds Seth writhing on the ground he makes a decision and shoots him to put him out of his misery. Holy crap, I did not see that coming.

Rudy stays with Seth as he dies, soothing him and saying he loves him. When Seth dies Rudy gets back up and points his gun at Cal, who is still standing there like a slack jawed idiot. Run, dummy, when the crazy guy is busy comforting his dying clone brother. Or just hang around I guess…Eventually Rudy just leaves.

Sarah packs Kira up and sends her to Iceland with Cal. Goddbye Cal, hopefully forever! Kira, come back soon, and hopefully not as another, more adult, actor. I like that kid.

SARAH’S GONNA FIND HELENA GUYS, IF IT’S THE LAST THING SHE DOES.

Ginger Gracie is back! She wakes up in a hotel room, alone. Mark is in the bathroom. She asks him what he’s doing but he coldly tells her he’s almost done to go back to bed. Then he burns off the tattoo from his arm – the same tattoo Rudy and Seth has/had. DUN DUN DUNNN

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  • CAL HAD AMPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO BASH THE HEADS OF THE SEX ASSAULT TWINS. Boo hiss!! I like that they’re the dark timeline of Sarah and Helena, though, down to a mustache!

    I am SO HAPPY the clone party happened last season’s finale so there would be no question in Helena’s mind that her seestras did not turn her in. HELENA FOR EVER oh my gosh, I love her so much.

    • mrmonkeybottoms

      I really wish Seth and his sex-stache didn’t leave us so soon.
      Helena will make them all pay for taking her. And for saying bad things about her seestras. PAY

      Also: HOT PAUL