Okay. Okay. I hope you guys like the F word, because there’s going to be a LOT of it in this recap. A lot a lot.
We open with the purification of bodies and end with the pollution of one. Hey, guess where my cussing is going to be? But we’ll get to that in a second. I want to say how proud I am of myself for not deleting this whole website and moving into a yurt. So good job, me.
Okay, seriously, when the Previously aired, I asked myself about Arya’s “What do we do after we wash them?” …do they take the faces of these bodies and mystically use them to become anyone? OHO. I think I’m onto something… [yeah, yeah, keep reading]
Side note that may or may not be related to anything… washing the dead can symbolize someone close to you repenting. [cough]Theon[cough] In Judaism, washing dead bodies is an elaborate ritual enabling the dead to meet their next stage/God/Gods with dignity and purity. I like that.
We open with Arya washing a woman, clipping her nails, cleaning her hair with oil, moisturizing her skin and covering her face with a shroud as two men come in to carry the body away. To where? What I loved was how very young Arya was, tapping her fingers impatiently and rocking on her heels as she waits for them to remove the body. She notices that they didn’t close the door, and she’s desperate to know what they do with the bodies, but Angry Other Girl shuts that down.
All good things to those who wait, but Arya is very young and very impatient. Plus, she’s still Arya. She’s not A Girl. A Girl is who wins a Game of Faces, after all. Angry Other Girl tells the story of how she came to be here, in that she was put in a Cinderella position with a new stepmum, but was able to murder stepmum before there were any balls. …or was that a lie?
WHAT IS HAPPENING. Arya, I’m every bit as confused as you in this moment. (But I loved that side story.)
A Man comes to her in the night (not like that, pervs) and asks her who she is. For every lie (Ned died in battle, she killed a stable boy) he whips her. One of the best bits is him whipping her when she says she hated the Hound. (Sandor!) Another lie: she wants to be No One. But once the game begins, there’s no going back, it seems. Eesh.
Down in Valyria, Jorah continues to try to hide his greyscale from an increasingly irritable (and sober) Tyrion.
Tyrion: BUT WHY IS THE
RUM WINE GONE?
Jorah: Would you shut your yap? Well, after you tell me why you traveled to Pentos in a crate?
Tyrion: I was certain I’d make the Slaver’s Bay news, but fine: I killed my dad after he tried to kill me and boned Shameless Shae.
Jorah: …yeah, that’s a patricide offense, I’d say.
Tyrion: Your dad was, like, way better than mine.
Jorah: …was? [cries inside for his daddy] How could my amazing Pop Pop DIE?
Me: BUT DADS ARE IMMORTAL AND CANNOT DIE. [weeps]
Tyrion: …SHIT. Oops? Erm, death by mutiny? The most beloved Lord of the Wall basically was betrayed by his own men?
Jorah: Like father like son, I guess.
Back with the Faceless Men, Arya scrubs the floor when a man (not A Man) and sick child come in to the Drinking Well. He seems to think Arya has some sort of power or control here. She goes to the little girl and offers some comfort in the form of a lie, instructing her to drink the water. A Man watches from the shadows. Later, we see Arya and the little girl’s corpse as Arya prepares to clean her. Guess the lie didn’t take? (Still not sure how this mythology works, but I’m happy to have it slowly reveal itself.)
Also, she slips through the open door after A Man, down halls and staircases deep within the House of Black and White. He shows her the Hall of Faces, like, literal faces, all set within pillars reaching to heights unseen, every wall, every cornerstone, keystone. Jaqen asks her if she’s ready to give up her face, nose, tongue, everything that makes her her to become No One. We all know the answer is No, she isn’t ready.
But. She’s ready to become someone else. (Raise your hand if you were waiting for those eyes to shoot open? Just me?)
Back on the Jorah-n-Tyrion roadshow, Jorah explains his obsession with Daenerys becoming queen of the Iron Throne, and Tyrion says the best thing ever:
“Doesn’t mean she’d be a great queen.”
Their philosophical discussion about what sort of ruler Dany would make and what makes her the rightful heir is cut short when they encounter slavers. (FINALLY! I mean, there’s a place called Slaver’s Bay, I assumed I would come across Slavers at some point. Also, nice twist to have the Slavers be PoC and the slaves white.)
Jorah knows how to take a punch to the face, much to their amusement, and they decide to cut off Tyrion’s dick to be sold for money.
Maybe the greatest thing in all of A Song of Fire And Ice is learning that in this universe there’s a legitimate career called a “cock merchant.” Except…
Tyrion: You can’t just sell a dry cock!
Me: [cackles madly] And gross, I’m not buying a wet one.
Slaver: The tiny cocked–
Tyrion: [thrusts hips out] TRY AGAIN.
Slaver: –the regular-sized cock’d tiny man has a point. Don’t slit his throat just yet.
Jorah: That works? Then, how about I have a tiny cock on a regular sized body?
Tyrion: GOOD LORD YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.
Slaver: You have a point?
Tyrion: YES. That we should stay alive. Say, you’re going to
Meereen Volantis, we want to stay alive, what say you keep this one [nods at Jorah] since he’s the greatest fighter in all of mankind?
Slaver: [busts out laughing] Willard Scott here?
Jorah: I killed a Dothraki bloodrider one-handed while eating an ice cream cone.
Slaver: Mother fu… Yeah, let’s go.
(I like to think that Jorah will show his Greyscale in the fighting pits, should it become necessary. God knows it’s what I would do.)
And holy sheep shung, Lord Baelish returns to King’s Landing! He’s immediately confronted by Lancel and the other religious wonks. Because Cersei is waiting for him, Lancel will let him pass, but I loved the dig Baelish got in about them both peddling lies and fantasy, but Baelish’s are far more entertaining. Hahaha.
In Who Can Throw More Shade, Cersei and Littlefinger break down the curious choices in relationships. I think they both had to hold back a snicker when it came to the idea that Cersei is the “offended party” with regards to Loras choosing boys over her, and I had to stifle a queasy stomach at the reminder of Lysa Arryn. Cersei wants to get to the meat of it: if war comes, with the Vale stand with the throne? But of course! Littlefinger has always counseled loyalty to the throne.
Note the giant Lannister piece on the wall in her chambers, not anything reflecting Baratheon. Oho! Not even hiding it now, is she?
Then this shady mother fucker gives up Sansa Stark, says she’s back at Winterfell, throws in that it’s all Roose’s plan to have all the power of the North at his call, incensing Cersei and making her want to skin the Boltons alive. This slippery mother trucker…
He counsels patience: let Stannis and Roose battle it out, then send Kevan Lannister with an army to wipe the victors out, taking what’s “theirs.” Problem with that: Kevan is grossed out by his niece Cersei, so who is there left to fight? Why, Littlefinger would love to send the knights of the Vale to do just that very thing, how very convenient… Plus, it won’t cost her anything. Just name him Warden of the North. She seems to go for it. And she better see Sansa’s head on a spike when it’s all said and done.
Littlefinger: As I said: I live to serve.
Me: [angrily shoves popcorn in my mouth to keep me from cussing this slippery weasel out] BAELISH YOU JUST BETTER NOT– [shoves more in my mouth]
I genuinely don’t know if he’s actually going to hurt Sansa. His drive for legitimacy and power doesn’t speak well for her. But he’s also creepy and obsessed with her, so… I just don’t know!! D:
Down in Dorne, Baby Lannister simpers and bats her eyelashes at her Mini Oberyn Martell (who is every bit as slick and flirtatious as Oberyn was—EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY OVER OBERYN FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, SOB SOB!), all while Prince Doran watches over them. He’s expecting something bad, which is reasonable, given this world’s track record.
Bronn and Jaime make their way across the grassy fields on their purloined horses, Bronn singing bawdy songs and EXCUSE ME, PART TWO. There are more songs in Game of Thrones than Reynes Rains Reins Raighns of Castemere and The Bear and The Maiden? Can you please teach other people these songs, Bronn?? Also, please pay attention to the words: Dornish man with a blonde wife, a deadly blade, both the bride’s kiss and the blade’s kiss are something other worldly, but we don’t get to hear the ending, which, according to Bronn “is the best part.” Jesus Jumped Up A Ladder, this is foreshadowing something terrible, I just know it.
They fall in with a convoy going into the Water Gardens, break off, and we cut to the Sand Snakes, who vow to be unbowed, unbent, and unbroken. For Oberyn they will strike. I think they’re not quite seeing the big picture here…
The three girls, deadly and dangerous, slip into the gardens, their faces covered. Jaime and Bronn find Myrcella kissing Prince Trystane (“Well, she’s made herself at home.” Hahaha), but she’s too confused to just come away with “uncle Jaime” quietly. And of course, Trystane notices the blood on their stolen clothing and “does something stupid.”
Bronn knocks him out, Mrycella screams, and the Sand Snakes strike with whips and spears and short blades, Bronn’s “Oh, for fuck’s sake” echoing my thoughts on this whole mess, too. HOW DOES THE SONG END?!?! I feel like it’s crucial.
Bronn is no small shakes at fighting, using their whips against them, but one of the girls manages to take Myrcella by knife point. Also, Bronn gets cut on the arm AND DOES THE POISONED BLADE STUFF EXTEND TO OBERYN’S CHILDREN?!?
Prince Doran’s right hand man shows up and foils everyone’s plans to kill one another. Because Bronn is Bronn, he tells the Sand Snake he was fighting, “You fight pretty good for a little girl,” just because he knows it will piss her off. His wicked laugh and smirk as she’s dragged away is everything to me. Such a dick. (A dwarf dick, which we now know is
- not small.)
Ellaria is also taken in, and boy, is she upset about that. But girlfriend, you can’t go against your King/Prince/Leader, come on, now.
BETTER THAN EVERYTHING EVER, LADY OLENNA ARRIVES, READY TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND GET HER GRANDBABY OUT OF PRISON AND SHE’S ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM. Cersei, being the petty, bitter bitch that she is, fills out every piece of paperwork she can find before acknowleding Lady Olenna, who ain’t here for it.
Lady Olenna: A slut says what?
Cersei: What? …DAMMIT.
Lady Olenna: [blows on her nails] It’s gonna suck when you no longer have wheat and gold from House Tyrell.
Cersei: Are you threatening me?
Lady Olenna: [smiles sweetly] But of course I am, my dear.
Cersei: Oh, pish and tosh to all of this, because there will just be a little interview with Loras, and ha, it’s not like they have any evidence of his… proclivities, do they? Good day!
CUT TO: all of the evidence to Loras’ proclivities.
As the High Septon goes through the many many instances of buggery, we watch Loras, his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater: Hot Pie’s spaghetti. He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready. He drops his bombs (I’m innocent, I tells ya!), then Margaery is called to the stand. She’s offended, but what can she do? Cersei unleashed this plan and it’s rocketing past anyone’s control faster than anyone named Lannister could have predicted. And then oho, here comes Olyvar from the whorehouse, and who wants to bet his life is on the line, he knows it, and he’s ready to toss aside that whole “discretion is the better part of skin peddling?”
Olyvar flat out says yep, we boned over here, we boned over there, we fucked and sucked just about everywhere! His sister she came and watched as we fucked! She sat and she knit and she drank from a cup! He first was on top, then he flipped to the bottom, why, Prince Loras should be named the Great King of Sodom!
Oh, and there’s the little thing about him knowing about Loras’ birthmark. BUSTED. So now there’s going to be a trial, and Margaery is going to be a part of it, TO THE DUNGEONS. KING TOMMEN, YOUR SPECIAL PURPOSE IS BEING LED AWAY.
The girl whose special purpose has yet to be discovered [CRYING], Sansa, sits in her chambers, trying to figure out What The Hell because apparently it’s her wedding day, when Myranda—she of the Dogs and the Torture and the Crazy—says she’s there to bathe Sansa. UM. SANSA. How many times can I tell you that you’re in danger, gorl, before you listen to me!??
Myranda basically says Ramsay will straight up get rid of girls who bore him. Best to be interesting, or it’ll be the hunt for you, girlie. Hunt?!? YEAH. SO NOW SANSA KNOWS. (She doesn’t really know. How can she?!?) Except let’s not underestimate Sansa, who rolls her eyes and asks how long Myranda has been in love with Ramsay?
“I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can’t frighten me.”
If you don’t know that I jumped up and threw my fist in the air at that, then you haven’t been paying attention to how much I freaking love this girl.
She dismisses Myranda with all the grace of a noblewoman, and I love this girl so much. LIKE, OBERYN MARTELL LOVE. Which… [bites lip]
The Winter Snows fall at her window, her dress is beautiful, and someone knocks on her door. It’s Reek, ready to take her to the Godswood. But she will not take his arm, and she doesn’t care that Lord Ramsay insisted she did.
Sansa: [with disgust] I’m not touching you.
Reek: P-please. He’ll punish me.
Sansa: Do you think I care what he does to you?
Me: SANSA I THINK IF YOU KNEW WHAT HE’D DONE YOU WOULD CARE. YOU NEED TO START CARING A LOT.
Also, jesus, there is no one for Reek in this world. :(
She walks to the tree, to the Boltons and their flayed-men sigils, to Ramsay, and she does it alone, chin held high even though I imagine her hands are shaking. The flayed men sigil in a holy space is rather telling of the people she’s being forced to marry, innit tho?
Reek plays his part in giving away the bride, Myranda sulks and seethes in the audience, and Reek says that he is Theon Greyjoy, who was her father’s ward, his voice pausing with grief as he once again is faced with the reminder of all that he’s the cause of, as well as all that he’s lost. A man’s hubris is a terrible thing, and none so terrible as Theon’s.
She agrees to take Ramsay, and the hairs on my arms stood on end at his pleased, smarmy grin. Good hell, everything is terrible and nothing is good. They retire to their honeymoon suite, where Ramsay assures her that he wants her to be happy and is confused that she’s still a virgin. Honestly, he thinks she’s lying. (Reek is standing in the doorway this whole time, uncomfortable and probably a lot frightened for her. I’m glad there’s still someone inside the shell that is Reek. Kind of.)
He kisses her, then tells her to take off her clothes with Theon still standing there. Reek will stay in the doorway, apparently, and watch. WHAAAAAAAAAT. Sansa is not okay with this, NEITHER AM I, but with dawning horror, she realizes just how precarious this situation is. She has no power here, and let’s get real. It’s a wedding night, all brides expect to be taken–Tyrion was quite the exception. She begins to untie her laces, and Ramsay reminds Reek to watch. His face is crestfallen as Ramsay says, “You’ve known her since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.”
I’M SORRY, NO. NOPE. NO. I am NOT going to watch Sansa fucking Stark be raped by this man, NOPE. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.
Reek’s tear streaked face mirrors my own, and I could do without the grunting and Sansa’s crying and I pretty much hate everything right now?!? THEON FUCKING GREYJOY, NOW IS THE TIME TO STRIKE COME THE FUCK ON.
…do I have to break up with this show?? I’m 100% serious. Guys, I can take a lot. I can. I can put a lot into story and furthering plot, etc., but GOD DAMMIT. I am SO FUCKING TIRED of women being treated like things so we can see a man’s pain, or serve as a tool to help him grow as a fucking person FUCK YOOOOOOOU.
Okay, as I was seething, the credits rolled and I saw “Hair Stylist (dragon)” and that made me laugh through my angry tears.
Fucking Petyr Baelish. He’s on my “never forgive” list alongside Ramsay and Roose. He can never come back in my opinion. NEVER. And honestly? If this disgusting scene serves only to be a redemption arc for THEON fucking GREYJOY? I am going to lose my gee dee mind.
If I may quote Mad Max, “WE ARE NOT THINGS.”
Talk me down, gang, or yell and rail with me, because this is some bullshit. (I’m sure I’ll be calmer in the morning, but for now? A huge pile of NOPE with a side of FUCK YOU and a splash of ARE YOU KIDDING ME.)
I’m tired of the rape boogie man. Fucking done with it. Ladies? Bite that shit off. Rip it off, jam it up their ass dry, and spit in their open mouths. Fuck this. [table flip] I will not be satisfied unless it is SANSA STARK (never Bolton, forever Stark to me!!) who slowly kills Ramsay, peeling his skin off and feeding it to his own dogs. That can include Reek.
Wow. Um. The faces were cool? Lady Olenna’s return was pleasing? WHERE WAS BRIENNE? I was desperate for Sansa to say, “Let’s take this up to Secret Bone Tower” so she could put the light out for help. :(
Reminder that Book Talk isn’t meant for me or this site, please please please. Book readers have an edge by all the million and a half words of detail, and they ARE SPOILERS. No spoilers, please and thank you.