Previously: I don’t want to talk about it.
Sarah and Helena are in Mexico, waiting for Mrs. S’s contact to come pick them up. Helena, resourceful and as awesome as always, wins money gambling and orders food and cerveza for the two of them. Sarah is sad and just plain worn out and missing Hot Paul of course because he is NOT DEAD I will not believe it. Helena says that Paul was a good man in the end but Sarah doesn’t want to talk about it. Helena also says she’s going to kill Mrs. S and since I’ve never really been a big fan of her character and she sold Helena out I’m kinda ok with that. Sarah literally doesn’t have the energy to argue or talk her out of it because as previously mentioned PAUL IS DEAD DAMN YOU WRITERS.
The gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender brings Sarah a beer and Helena a water, telling Helena she can’t have alcohol because she’s pregnant. Helena is surprised. Did Sarah tell the gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender that she had baby? It’s just how the gentle, wise, beautiful and all-knowing Mexican female rolls.
Mrs. S. shows up instead of the contact and Helena jumps up to kill her. Sarah stops her and Helena glares. Have I mentioned that Hot Paul is dead?
Mrs. S tries to talk things out but Helena will have none of it. She says she will eat first and then they will fight. Helena has priorities.
The gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender watches Helena and Mrs. S. She tells Sarah that Helena is very wounded. Then she gives Sarah this speech:
“In my room, there is a shower. Go wash off where you have been. Where you’re going will be better.” Sage words indeed, oh gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender.
Meanwhile, Alison is practicing her speech for the school trustee candidates mixer thing while Donnie takes her blood pressure and temperature. Looks like they’re still doing the DYAD self-monitoring. He asks her how her menstrual cycle is as he looks at his checklist. It’s normal and he checks it off. Donnie is seriously amazing,
The two go to visit Alison’s mother down at Bubbles. They can’t wait to buy the store and have a front for their growing drug business. Money laundry must happen! Alison’s mother, Connie, is a straight up cold bitch and the two of them take her crap with forced good will. Ugh. I do not like. Connie keeps calling Donnie ‘Mr. Chubbs’ and I want to smack her. Apparently that’s his real last name before they were married. He took Alison’s last name, just like Connie wanted. Of course now Connie says she doesn’t respect that move, because Connie is the worst.
Alison passes the paperwork over and Connie decides she needs to read it over because, “Lawyers make more mistakes than you and Mr. Chubbs put together.” Alison keeps the peace, saying she’ll pick it up later and turns around to see a poster for Marci Coates on her Mother’s store wall. Connie voted for her last year and will again this year. Donnie calms her and is super supportive. Seriously, eff you, Connie.
Shay and Cosima are being sexy, happy and adorable.
There’s a knock on the door and oooh snap, it’s Delphine. She needs to talk to Cosima and she knows Shay’s name. Awkward.
I forgot to mention that last week Delphine was sitting and drinking and looking at pictures of Cosima and Shay’s first date, all in a very evil J.R. Ewing kind of way. She really is the new Rachel.
Cosima is not pleased but Delphine is worried about her numbers from the tests they’ve been running. She needs Cosima to pee in a cup. Cosima is cold as eff to her, saying she’ll see her at the lab and no to come to Shay’s again. Delphine is hurt but stays strong. I’ve never been a huge fan of their relationship but I still say that Delphine loves Cosima and is doing most of this to help her. Kinda like Hot Paul helped Sarah. Hot Paul….*sob*
Cosima is being immature and fighting Delphine on everything. She asks Scott to cover for her at the lab and decides to get her pee sample from Alison instead, just to be difficult. She doesn’t want to give Delphine anything. C’mon Cosima. Think.
Alison and Donnie are at her old high school for the trustee mixer. Stupid douchey Jay the drug dealer zooms up in his Hummer and drops innuendos about how he used to make out with Alison in the parking lot here. Donnie is not pleased. He’s going with Jay to give the drug lord $30,000 for more drugs. Donnie plants a long kiss on Alison to mark his territory and Jay is all *sad face*
Felix is Alison’s campaign manager. Marci comes down and is as awful as Connie. Felix can’t wait to take her down.
Speaking of Connie, she calls Alison, pretending she’s having a heart attack. Alison is not worried as she does this all the time and leaves to calm her down. Connie is a mean, self-absorbed, manipulative, hypochondriac and I’m just mad at this manipulative behavior. She’s trying to sabotage Alison’s campaign.
Donnie and Jay go to the drug deal. Donnie is cool and awesome, right up to the point where they open the envelope holding the money and discover it’s full of campaign buttons and posters. Whoops, wrong envelope. The drug lord sends Jay to get the money and keeps Donnie. This may be bad for Donnie.
Mrs. S tries to apologize to Helena but she won’t have it. She wants to fight. Mrs. S won’t hit her cause Helena is pregnant. Helena tells her she is going to raise her babies with her boyfriend Jesse. They’re going to drive tow trucks and raise their babies together. YES. Bring back Jesse!
Helena stands. Fight time. Mrs. S refuses. Helena punches her and demands Mrs. S hit her back. Mrs. S refuses and takes many punches until she finally reflexively punches Helena back. Mrs. S is mortified and grabs Helena and hugs her tight. Shhh Helena, you’re with family now. I’m sure, in the background, the gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender is nodding with a soft smile on her face as she wipes the bar down.
Alison shows up back at Bubbles and of course Connie is fine. She tells Alison she can’t sell her the store. She just can’t let go. Alison stands up for herself and tells her mother off. As she storms out she pauses in from of Marci Coates’ poster and rips it off the wall. “And I’m recycling this!” AHAHAHAHAH
Cosima shows up at the school for Alison’s pee but Sarah Stubbs sees her and thinks she’s Alison. She brings her to Felix who makes her pretend she’s Alison since Alison is still MIA. Cosima is pretty self-absorbed right now and I’m impatient with her. Felix cuts bangs on a wig, saying they need bangs that say, “Unhappy, sexless marriage”. WHOA FELIX. BACK IT UP. Donnie is not sexless!
Scott and his pals are playing some nerd game (and I mean that in a descriptive way, not an insulting way) in the lab, but his friends are kicked out because Delphine is bringing Rachel in for protein tests.
Rachel is improving daily, and says, “Hello Scott” like her old self. She sees some of her paintings and sends a look to him. He covertly shows her The Island of Doctor Moreau. They stare at each other. Rachel decides.
She points to the board game ‘Agricola’ and even manages to pronounce it properly. “Teach?” she asks Scott. Delphine raises and eyebrow, “Medieval farm building?” she asks in disbelief.
“I’m so…bored,” Rachel says and I giggle. Scott agrees to teach her.
Cosima hides her dreads under a toque and poses for pictures as Alison. Just as Alison arrives back to help Jay shows up and explains about Donnie and the money.
Of course as she’s trying to do all this Connie shows up because she needs to tell her something very important. She tells Alison that her father isn’t her father. When Connie went for the in vitro at the clinic she decided to get the best ‘stock’ she could. Connie is a stone cold bitch. Alison leaves to try and continue with the money envelope switch and sends Jay in to keep Connie entertained.
Alone on the lab at last, Scott begins teaching Rachel how to play Agricola. I looked it up, it’s a real game btw. Rachel looks up from her book with her one good eye and manages, “Not…serious.” Wrong, Rachel. Scott is very serious. He’s all steely eyed. She’s going to learn and if anyone comes into the lab, they’re playing Agricola and not decoding the clone genetic code with the secret language her father taught her. Scott is a total baller now. Rachel gives a look of long suffering and it’s amazing.
Blah blah blah, hijinks about switching the envelope. Alison casually tells Felix that they need to switch cause the other one has $30,000 in it and Felix is all WHUT. She finally ‘fesses up and tells him they’re drug dealers. Felix would be a terrific drug advisor too, as he knows that the drug lord Pouchy that is holding Donnie is the same guy that cut off Vic the Dick’s finger.
Connie and Jay walk the halls of the high school and find an old picture of Jay and Alison. Connie still longs for the days of Jay and Alison instead of ‘Mr. Chubbs’ and I long to stab her right in her stupid face. Jay charms Connie about the store and of course she eventually signs it over because of him. So let me get this straight, you’d rather have your daughter with this guy than the awesome, supportive, caring Donnie? Kill me now.
Alison runs out to the parking lot to hand the money over to Pouchy’s niece. The niece counts the money and calls off the nose-cutting. Hurray!
Alison’s missing giving her speech so Felix makes a very reluctant Cosima improvise. It goes as well as you can expect. “As a lesbian…” * general gasps * “…supporter…”
Cosima coughs, goes offstage for water. “It’s a shitshow,” she tells a waiting Alison. “I’m sorry, that was terrible.”
Alison goes onstage and kills it. Everybody loves her! Yay! Family is her agenda! She is all about extended family! And tolerance! Vote for Alison! The audience claps, Connie actually looks proud and Marci looks uncomfortable. Suck it, Marci.
Jay sees Cosima and tells ‘Alison’ that he talked Connie into selling the store. They he plants a huge kiss on her. Cosima is so not into it. “I have to pee.” She leaves.
Sarah tells Mrs. S that Paul is gone. La la la lalala I’m not listening he will come back.
Alison goes to give Cosima the pee sample and finds out about the kiss. She seems intrigued. She decides she’s not giving her pee to Cosima, telling her they need DYAD when it comes to their health. She’s right. Stop being dumb, Cosima.
Connie comes into the bathroom and Cosima hides in a stall. She hands over the signed paperwork to Alison, who’s thrilled. Alison isn’t quite so thrilled when Connie straight up suggests that she leave Donnie for Jay. Connie…have you seen Jay’s hair? HAVE YOU?
Alison pulls Cosima out of the stall and shows her mother. “”Hey, I’m Cosima,” Cosima says just like she said to Sarah way back in season one. Alison tells Connie she was implanted with a clone when she went for her in vitro at the clinic. Connie doesn’t believe Cosima was a clone,“Alison, that girl was a mulatto.” HAHAHAHA racism for the win. Connie just thinks the clinic used the same donor and Cosima is Alison’s half sister. Alison leaves in disgust.Rachel decodes with Scott. She will only tell Sarah what it says.
Cosima bathes and confesses to Shay that she’s very sick. Blood suddenly pools in the water from her uterus and it’s so sad and awful and my heart is breaking. Poor Cosima. :'(