Previously: WE ALL LOST OUR DAMN MINDS (in the best of ways!). We open with Stannis’ men chin deep in the snow, but I guess Fire Crotch Mage doesn’t need a coat? She’s all casually wandering outside in the bitterness when there’s an attack on the camp, most of the tents going up in flames, and a HORSE RUNNING WHILST ON FIRE HORSEY NOOOOOOOO!
Raise your hand if you thought that was a dream? Now slap your face with it because THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. Come on, Davos. Come the hell on, Fire Crotch Mage! WHERE IS THE SECURITY BREACH!?
Hundreds of horses are dead, Stannis’ food stores and their siege equipment: burned to the ground. Huh, the Bastard Bolton’s got skills after all. I love Stannis’ order to his general: round up the guards from last night, question them, then hang them. YEP. War… War never changes.
[And if you don’t think I”m going to work Fallout4 into everything I do until I have that in my hands, then you haven’t been paying attention to how I do business.]
But… I’m getting some strong “Kill the Newt, Win The Battle” vibes from Stannis checking out Worst Mother Ever and Fire Crotch Mage. [Ha. HAHAHA, oh, sweet Summer Child, she says to herself…]
Further north, Jon and the Wildlings (with a Giant in tow—Wun Wun made it!) approach the gate. Lord Butt Hurt looks down and does nothing… until he reminds Jon that he’s letting them in. He’s the Dwight Schrute of the Watch. (Assistant to the Lord Commander.)
As the Wildlings walk through, the Watchmen shoot them dirty looks. And then Wun Wun saunters into the courtyard and yeah! Remember how y’all laughed at the idea of Giants? How you like this guy, huh? Oh, and he’s probably loyal to Jon, so, maybe ixnay on that utiny-may.
[Can I just say how much I love that the giant moves like he’s giant? There’s heft in his step, he moves at a reasonable speed, and I just have a lot of respect for the people who make the effects on this show.]
Olly gives Jon a dirty look, and I think my theory of him sabotaging Jon is a go, which makes me sad.
Other things I love, the super intricate game pieces that Stannis commissions. Who’s his Royal Gamepiece Maker? I like that it’s a priority to have that with him, and not, you know, the Travel Version. At least he didn’t have some peasants haul that awesome map-table—slash–FCM bone table along for the trip.
Stannis wants Davos to ride like the wind to Castle Black for more supplies, and raise your hand if you think it’s because Davos absolutely will not allow Princess Newt to be sacrificed so Stannis can win? Ser Davos’ hand is WAY UP. He goes to smile at Shireen, giving her a carved stag (OHO, HE IS THE GAMEPIECE MAKER), and did you hear that? Like, a massive cracking sound? 0:13:10, for those of you who will watch again.
That was the sound of my heart breaking.
Turns out there were enough pieces of my heart and soul left to be smashed! Huh. Fancy that.
Jaime comes before the Prince, Prince Jr., Daughter-Niece, and Ellaria Sand, but he’s not there to be killed. Prince Doran doesn’t want war because he’s smart. Ellaria Sand doesn’t drink to the toast he offers, but pours some out for her homies (Oberyn) and woman, that is a party foul! Also, it’s not like Doran is a fool. He tells Jaime he can take his niece-daughter as long as he takes Trystane. Oh, and Trystane will be on the Small Council. Sounds good to me, and because Jaime is smart, he agrees. These are two reasonable dudes, I gotta be real. I like what’s happening with them.
Bronn, meanwhile, is still stuck in Sex Prison (those were super popular Troma films in the ’70s!) while Boobs McSand and Bully VonOlderSand play a game of slap-hand. No, they are literally playing slap-hand, when little sister decides to slap older sister across the face. I know those feels. And…. scene.
Arya is A Girl with her oysters, clams and cockles, with a side of sexual harassment, and then she finds her mark, but before she can get on with it, oho, Lord Tyrell—with his guard of Ser Meryn Trant—pulls ashore. [ESPN announcer voice] She’s gotten one name off her list, will she make it two? OH, it’s a fastball that she didn’t even see, he gets right past her and over the plate!
She’s still got two at-bats, though.
Trant goes into a whorehouse to audition sex partners, and it’s super creepy. Arya gets caught selling oysters to Trant’s men, and I believe Trant is getting a little suspicious, but she’s led away when a very young girl is brought to Trant and all of the skin walks right off my body. ARYA: KILL THAT PIG.
She has to go back to the House of Black and White without accomplishing her task, but A Man knows, says I. She’ll get right on it tomorrow. Mm hm.
In Dorne, Prince Doran tells Ellaria that her rebellion is at an end, or she will die. She chooses to live, even though it kills her inside. She immediately goes to Jaime, explaining how Dorne is a wonderland of incest love and understanding. To… what purpose, lady? (No, really. Where’s she going with this, do you think?)
What’s it called, a comminuted fracture? When your bone shatters into pieces, but are still being trapped by skin and muscle? Basically I’m saying that Shireen and Stannis have a Daddy-Daughter story time about “The Dance Of Dragons”, a super fun book about two Targaryen siblings fighting over who should be leader (what’s new, amirite?), and it divided their city, leading to thousands of deaths. He asks who she would have chosen: Aegon or Rhaeneryaaighegh?
Newt: NONE OF THE ABOVE. The choosing is the problem. [Mostly]
Stannis: Yes, that sounds lovely on paper, but someone must still lead. The world sometimes forces a person’s hand. Which… means there’s no choice, actually. There is a lot of subtext here I’m hoping you don’t pick up on.
Newt: Hmm? I love you, Daddy. Let me help you. [smiles]
Stannis: [tries to talk over the lump in his throat] Yes, but… um. We’ll talk about it later ohmygodmypreciousbabyDaddylovesyoubutyougonnadie.
Newt: Hooray! I get to help Daddy win!
Stannis: DEAR GOD WHAT AM I DOING.
CUT TO: everyone in Stannis’ army getting a taste of HOLY SHIT WE BETTER WIN THIS THING as Shireen walks past them all to meet Fire Crotch Mage. They take her, bind her to a tree as she begs for Daddy and WOW. WOW ALL OF MY TEARS. Stannis watches with a grim face, but none so grim (and secretly pleased) as Selyse, Worst. Mother. Ever. She’s all “Jesus is taking the wheel!” and Stannis is like, “He’s a shit driver!” while FCM yawns “He has a lot of insurance, it’s cool.”
And holy moley, in the end as she begs, SELYSE says they can’t do this, and Stannis says they must. STANNIS ANDREW CARL BARATHEON THE FOURTH YOU SON OF A BITCH. During all of this the fire crackles, Fire Crotch Mage watches serenely, Shireen screams, and the whole fucking army watches. Jesus.
YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN, THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. And be done with you. I AM ANGRY. I know, they forecast this seasons ago, but still. SHE WAS GOOD AND KIND AND A BABY.
Speaking of horrible tasks as a leader… Dany hosts the big fighting thing, with Hizdahr showing up late because he had “things to do.” Nope, don’t trust this guy at all. But let’s get real: our Russell Crowe is Jorah. We have some featherweight and bantam class fights first, as well as some dick-length competish between Daario and Hizdahr.
Daario is all “Astronauts!” and Hizdahr goes “Cavemen!” and Tyrion rolls his eyes. Because come on. Always Astronauts. Those guys are tough as nails, one, two, they’re all drunks—Tyrion would approve—and three, they have to be physically fit. I’ll fight you on this one, guys, my ex-Father in Law was NASA. I know things.
Dany ends it by reminding her intended that he’s never actually fought, pampered little shit that he is, and she ate a HORSE HEART. So. She’s going to side with Daario.
Aaaaaaand the Caveman fucking chops off the Astronaut’s head and I guess we’re not going to the moon, Large Meereenian. THANKS.
But hold the damn phone, because the sexiest voice in all of Westeros, Essos, and whatever other place I haven’t heard of claims allegiance to Khaleesi, and I hope the women working on this show use birth control because those dulcet tones will get you pregnant. LOOK. JORAH IS A PROBLEM. I KNOW. I know. IAIN GLENN’S VOICE IS THE OPPOSITE OF A PROBLEM. I’m a lonely middle-aged woman with a cat, let me have this.
Even Daario gets how big a deal this is, telling Hizdahr to shut his mouth and let her feel what she’s feeling. Tyrion probably calls for shots, because while he was abducted by the man, he still has a ton of respect for Jorah. Jorah, the man who… takes a quarterstaff to the face, eesh. Dany is trying really hard not to show how nervous she is. GIRL. I GET IT. [fingers pointing to my eyes and yours] I get it.
Jorah takes out one opponent, points the home run right at Dany, and gets to the sword battle with someone who is an actual opponent. The man is good. It’s not looking good for Jorah, who is on his back with a knife at his throat, but another contender takes the swordsman out. I don’t care that it’s easy. NOPE. Don’t care. LOOK THIS IS A STORY. THINGS CAN JUST HAPPEN, THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT.
Now we have Spear Fighter with Jorah and his sword, and Jorah does a tuck and roll and stabs the guy, while the audience is pissed. They wanted the spear-guy to win. Jorah takes the spear, stares at his Khaleesi, and THROWS IT AT HER WAIT NO AT A FUCKING SON OF A HARPY BEHIND HER AND WAY TO BE ON TOP OF SHIT, DAARIO. Okay, Daario immediately assesses the crowd, sees that it’s FULL of dudes in masks (this is why they need a Kiss Cam, to ferret this shit out) and yells, “PROTECT YOUR QUEEN!”
Her guard surrounds her as the Sons of the Harpy start slitting throats, and wow, terrible PR for your organization, guys. Women, men, whoever is close is at risk as all are killed, even Unsullied are killed, shit, even Hizdahr gets stabbed—wow!—when suddenly, Jorah stands, Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” begins to play, and he leads Dany to safety.
BEST ROMANCE EVER. Stop judging me. THE NAME OF THE SITE IS– Look. I just like Iain Glenn.
The MVP of the moment is TYRION, who protects Missandei by killing someone and leading her to safety. (Look, she’s important to me, but easily forgotten by the royalty apparently.) What the hell, Unsullied?? Why aren’t they stronger?? They get blocked from one exit, try to make the other, but are surrounded. SHIT. WHERE IS A DRAGON WHEN YOU NEED ONE?? There are a handful of one-on-one skirmishes, and it’s a classic ninja mistake: attack ALL AT ONCE, NOT ONE AT A TIME, NOT THAT I WANT YOU TO WIN, MASK BROS.
AND HEY. GUESS WHAT. Drogon fucking shows up. How you like them apples, Sons of the Harpy? MOMMY IS SO HAPPY. He burninates all of the bad guys hurting his mommy and some ASSHOLES throw spears at him (look, I’m Team Dragon) and it hurts Dany’s heart to see her baby hurt, but he keeps on burning like the good kid he is (oh my god, don’t hurt dragons they are ENDANGERED).
And how am I choked up at Dany pulling out a spear from her emo-teen dragon, he yells at her “ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI AND YOU WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME” and she’s all, “I know, you can get a tattoo at 18, it’s your body, you’re right, I get it now,” and then he wants a hug but doesn’t know how to ask, and NO I AM NOT PROJECTING, SHUT UP, READER, BEING A MOM TO TEENS IS HARD.
She freaking CLIMBS ABOARD HIS BACK, says “Valahd” and they FLY OFF TO HAVE ADVENTURES IN PERN, sorry I’m a little drunk on excitement (and also wine) as I write this.
Tyrion: So… I think I’m on the right team?
Drogon: WE’RE NUMBER ONE!! CAN’T BE NUMBER TWO! WE’RE GONNA BEAT THE WHOOPEE OUT OF YOU!
Me: [passes right the fuck out from JOY]
Next. Freaking. Week: I lose my damn mind. My guess: you will, too.
Okay, so we all called it on precious baby Newt, ALL MY TEARS, and I was prepared because they set that up waaaaaaaay back. And hey! Book readers! Looks like Shireen dies in a future book. HOW MUCH DO SPOILERS SUCK!?! Now you see why I’m so adamant about it. (They are the worst.)
Oh, other awesome things: Tyrion’s backdoor insult to Hizdahr about “My father would have liked you.” Not a compliment, dude! Bronn getting an elbow to the face and Jaime being a little shit about it. That’s probably for all the elbows to the face he took from Bronn’s training. LOL, best buddy-cop duo ever.
So reminder, no book talk here, please don’t go on about all the things you HATE because I don’t caaaaaare. It’s “We really love TV” for a reason. Talk about what you LIKE. Because there’s a LOT to like. I mean, there’s a lot to clutch your pearls over (which I have in the past) but ARYA! DAVOS! JON’S BIG… HEART! DRAGONS.
I’ve seriously had three glasses of wine and am posting this immediately, but I’ll edit in the morning, hahaha. TALK AT ME, OMG. (And click here for the Season Finale)