Previously: Helena and Mrs. S. punch and hug it out. Alison’s Mom is the worst but Alison and Donnie still managed to buy the soap shop Bubbles from her. Donnie brings the wrong envelope and almost gets his nose chopped off by the drug lord Pouchy. Cosima pretends to be Alison for a bit. Alison gives a terrific speech for school trustee. Rachel has to learn Agricola as a cover for her translating her Father’s secret code. Cosima doesn’t want to give Delphine her pee.
FUN FACT: I just learned that the titles for the Season 3 episodes are quotes from the farewell address of Dwight Eisenhower. Season 2 are all quotes from the works of Sir Francis Bacon and Season 1 are quotes from On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin. The more you know! *rainbow*
We meet a new clone! Well, we’ve already seen her before but now we get to really meet her. It’s Krystal Goderitch, the woman that Rudy and Seth tried to shove into the back of their van before Topside caught them and saved her. She works at a salon, she’s traumatized by what happened with Rudy and Seth and that her monitor/boyfriend was murdered by them, she’s killer hot and she gives the best manicures Delphine has ever had. Delphine is just there to scope her out and see if she is still unaware of what she is (CLONE), or if she’s suspicious about all the weird stuff that’s going on around her (CLONE STUFF OMG). Krystal seems clueless and a little dumb so Delphine is satisfied. She tells Dr. Nealon that it’s all good in the hood. Krystal isn’t self-aware.
Back in Mexico, stupid Dr. Coady is alive and at the same cantina that Sarah and Helena were. This could mean that Hot Paul survived too, right? Even though he was right next to the grenade and the blast was so strong that it knocked Sarah down and Sarah was far away from it? And even though he was stabbed like 3 times and shot 5 times in the chest he could still be aliveeeeee. Ahem.
The gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender brings her a bottle of tequila and when asked about Sarah and Helena, claims she doesn’t know any sisters. The gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender doesn’t approve of Dr. Coady and she doesn’t offer her room shower up to her either because the gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender doesn’t roll that way with evil people. The gentle, wise, beautiful, and all-knowing Mexican female bartender doesn’t care where Mother’s been or where she’s going. Suck it, Mother.
Oh, look who’s here to talk to Mother, it’s the contact that Paul trusted, the one that betrayed him. T\You remember, the one that is responsible for Paul’s death? Even though my rage is rising I will remain a professional recapper and not wish a horrifying, lingering, painful death upon him and his family.
Since Brave Paul blew up the original Castor bones along with his beautiful self, Mother is depressed as eff. Her Castor boys are all going to be dead within a year or two without the genome research. No worries, Mother, the traitor contact has a mole in Leda. Mother is pleased.
Cosima Skypes with Sarah. Sarah wishes that Cosima could use her as a treatment due to her missing the protein that makes some of the other clones sick but that doesn’t work. Just as Shay shows up, Cosima tells her to call Scott, presumably so he can tell her all about what’s going on with the book, the code, Rachel etc etc. I guess Cosima basically lives with Shay now.
Enough about that because now we’re getting to Helena, my favorite clone of them all! Xxxooo, Helena 4evah. Donnie is upset because Helena is coming to work at Bubbles and even better, to live with them. Ginger Gracie is coming too. It’s their turn to step up and Donnie is not pleased to have the murderous clone under his roof with his kids. Hey, I get it but don’t worry Donnie, Helena is fiercely protective of children.
Helena is trying on Alison’s “very soft” clothes in her room and hanging out with Gemma and being adorable as always. Gemma asks about metal container that Helena has. Helena tells her it’s a secret, it’s her babies and gives the container many kisses and I wiggle in delight at Helena’s love display.
Gemma laughs and calls her silly and they have a clothes fight and Helena whips the clothes at Gemma and has a crazy laugh and I am in looooooove. Then Helena comes downstairs in her crazy outfit with all its colours and patterns. She stands shyly on the stairs and looks at Alison, Donnie and Fee. “Thanks you, Sestra Alison, for the beautiful clothes.” I want a Helena.
Let’s not forget that Shay is some kind of holistic healer or something. She has Cosima lay on the floor and hovers her hands over her middle. Hand healing for the win, amirite? I don’t even know what I’m typing right now, you guys. Anyways, Cosima decides to take Shay for a tour of her lab. Well that sounds like a good decision * sarcasm *
Down at DYAD, Rachel has advanced enough to be able to apply some lipgloss. “You’re improving,” Delphine notes. “How unfortunate.” Scott thinks she means that Rachel’s starting to get kickass at Agricola since she’s already got a house goat and milking stool but she means that Rachel is a threat. Delphine coldly asks Rachel what she used to do to people she considered a threat. Oh ho, the tables have turned, Rachel. The hunter is now the hunted!
Finally Delphine leaves the lab and the coast is clear for them to Skype with Sarah. Sarah tells Rachel she’s looking good and Rachel shows a touch of humor as she gestures towards her face and manages, “New…accessories.” HA
Rachel has a plan: she knows Delphine will eliminate her so she will translate her book if they arrange to break her out of DYAD and steal Krystal’s ID so she can use it to live a quiet life in Taiwan. To prove that she can read it she gives them a sample:
“In London town, we all fell down, and Castor woke from slumber.”
Sarah is all for the plan. She’ll do anything to find something to help Cosima. She leaves with Felix to get Krystal’s ID as Scott is given the green light to spring Rachael free.
Cosima brings Shay to the lab and gives her a tour. Scott is thrilled to see another lesbian. As Shay is admiring Scott’s pile of nerd games she sees The Island of Dr. Moreau and excitedly pulls it out. She loves that book! No one loved that movie. Remember? Remember that movie you guys?
Cosima grabs it, whispering that Scott is protective of his stuff. Of course Delphine shows up and things are awkward. Scott shows Shay out so Delphine can show Cosima the latest bad news lab results. She assures Cosima that she isn’t jealous. Yeah, right.
Ok seriously, here’s my favourite scene of all time. Down at Bubbles, Donnie is showing Helena how to make soap. He’s stirring a large pot as Helena watches in admiration. “Sestra Alison has good taste…in men. You have meat on your bones. You’re strong like baby ox. This I like.” OMG HELENA hahahaha. At first Donnie is a little thrown but these strange flirting words but he does grin a little as he looks down into the bubbling pot. “It’s not usually this thick when Alison does it…” He throws in a little accent like Helena, “So maybe we need two baby ox!” She is over the moon at his joke and Donnie chuckles a bit too, quickly trailing off as she keeps laughing her weird laugh. She thinks he’s hilarious and laughs and laughs and laughs.
Donnie lets her stir and goes to talk to Alison about her kiss with stupid hair Jason Kellerman. I love how Helena is still laughing in the background as he closes the door to the stockroom. Donnie worries that if it was Alison and not Cosima she might’ve kissed him back. Alison promises to set Jason straight as little Ginger Gracie shows up for her first day at work.
Helena hides her secret container of babies in the stockroom as Gracie walks in. Helena is happy to see her and soothes Gracie when she apologizes for losing their baby. Helena asks her to be auntie to their baby and gives her a sweet little hug and kiss on the cheek. Helena breaks my heart.
Sarah and Felix arrive at the salon where Krystal works. Felix goes to get a mani/pedi from her but really he just wants to steal her wallet. Jesus, Tatiana Maslany has a killer body and it’s really showing in this tight little number she’s rocking:
Felix comes up to her and oh my effing god, he’s acting straight and using an American accent and it’s weird and hot and weird and strange and I’m oddly turned on.
Scott comes home to find a not-blown up Rudy sitting on his couch and clutching his cat Denise in a threatening manner. I was watching the show with one of my daughters and we both had our own cats snuggling on our laps and we were both freaking out. “Please! Denise has feline asthma!” Scott begs, and gives Rudy the goods- The Island of Dr. Moreau.
Back at the salon, Felix is getting his manicure as Krystal tells him about the horrible almost death she experienced and how her boyfriend (monitor) was killed right in front of her. She notices the paint flecks on his hands and asks what he paints. “Houses,” Felix lies. “I’m pretty good with my tools.” Then he WINKS and my panties fly off and smash right through the window, startling a jogger as he runs by. That really happened.
He needs Krystal’s mother’s maiden name for the ID theft so he tells her to play a game: What is Your Porn Name? She asks if it could be anything, “Like…Bitch Mistress of Cumalot?” Very good, Krystal! Felix informs her it should be your first pet’s name plus your Mom’s maiden name. WRONG. It’s your first pet’s name and the street you lived on as a kid. Therefore I’m Kiki Houde Drive. FOR THE WIN I MIGHT ADD.
Krystal tells him hers and then starts to spill her feelings. She knows something big is going on around her. Her boyfriends all lasted 2 years each, to the day. Why did the ‘hotel security’ guys have sub machine guns? Why did the police drop the case so quickly? She’s really sad and Felix desperately wants to tell her she’s a clone but for Krystal’s own good Sarah talks him out of it. Fine. He goes and steals her wallet under the guise of looking for the bathroom and in her purse also finds a little diary detailing all of her suspicions and investigations that includes a sketch of Rudy. This girl is not a dumb blonde.
When he tells Krystal he has to skip the pedicure she starts to cry a little, saying she knows she talks too much and that she’s just unable to trust people. Felix soothes her in his normal English Felix accent, confusing Krystal. “What happened to your voice?”
“Nothing. It’s my truth voice.”
Eyes wide, she nods and listens as he tells her that she’s one of a kind, a survivor, and not alone. She’s touched. I hope we see her again, she’s interesting.
Cosima and Delphine talk. The sick clones in Europe that are being treated are dying. Cosima doesn’t want to harvest Kira again so they agree they’ll work together, leave the crazy science out of it, and try to find a cure. They’re interrupted by a call from a panicked Scott. He needs the book to save Denise’s life! Delphine is livid. “What book?!”
Alison talks to stupid Jason Kellerman about the kiss. It’s awkward. He keeps stepping closer and then just jumps over and kisses her again. She kisses back for a moment but pushes him away. He wants to keep kissing, no one needs to know but she turns him down and tells him to go. He leaves but not before saying he knows she felt something. Alison is troubled.
Cosima and Scott sit in his apartment and get scolded by Delphine. She cannot believe they kept the secret coded book from her and is even more upset to find out they didn’t make a copy. And then she is even MORE upset to find out that they told Rachel. I can’t believe she didn’t go all French on their asses and scream, “MERDE! Vous etes tous les deux idiots!” and throw baguettes at them or something but instead her giant eyeballs just shoot cold furious disdain at them. They look very chastised.
Felix and Sarah are back at Mrs. S’s and they’re pretty choked to find out that Rudy got the book. Never fear, there’s a knock on the door. It’s one of Scott’s gaming buddies with a package for them from Cosima – a laminated copy of The Island of Dr. Moreau. “Of course we made a copy,” Cosima tells Sarah over the phone. “We’re not complete idiots.” YAY. They agree to start the plan to break Rachel out of DYAD.
Rachel and Scott are being grilled by Delphine in Rachel’s room. Delphine is positive that Rachel is the mole that tipped off Castor about the book. “How?” Rachel asks the obvious. “She doesn’t even have the internet,” Scott agrees and omg what kind of hellhole are they subjecting Rachel to down in DYAD? No internet? No Facebook? No porn? No cat videos? I’d die. Delphine wishes she’d let Rachel die. Harsh.
As soon as Delphine leaves Scott and his gaming buddy/guard friend breaks Rachel out. The guard is super duper excited to be involved in this game of espionage and has shut down some cameras so they can leave down the hallway. Scott wishes Rachel’s super duper slow electric wheelchair would go faster but Rachel snips out, “This is top speed.”
The guard leaves them at the elevators and they do a secret arm grab handshake. Rachel watches and it’s just another example of Tatiana’s amazing talent because she manages to convey Rachel’s utter disdain and annoyed suffering with a simple blink with one eye while the other is covered with a patch. That’s just how great this actor is.
Cosima brings Delphine her resignation, effective immediately. Delphine tries to talk her out of it, saying she has access to the lab and treatment here, that Cosima will never know if the person she loves is a monitor or not. Cosima doesn’t think Shay has anything to do with this but of course she does. She does. Think Cosima, think.
Donnie uses Alison’s phone to text stupid Jason Kellerman, tricking him into thinking she texted him to meet him for more kisses in the Bubbles stock room like old times. He tells Jason to stay away and punches him in the face. Unfortunately, Donnie forgot that Jason Kellerman is a tough drug dealer. Donnie’s punch was so soft that Jason legitimately thinks Donnie tried to bitch slap him in the face. Poor Donnie. Jason easily beats him up, finally knocking Donnie out when he tells Jason, “I may be a bitch but I’m Alison’s bitch and you’re just a stupid dropout!” Ouch. Jason leaves.
Rachel is brought to Mrs. S’s and begins to translate the book.
Cosima confesses that she almost died when Delphine went to Frankfurt, but she had a vision of her and came back. Delphine’s giant French eyes are filled with tears and she pulls her close. “Come here…come here,” she whispers and kisses her and I knuckle some dust from my eyeholes.
Cosima pulls away. Delphine tells her she should’ve trusted her. I love how I’m never sure what to trust with that darn Frenchwoman.
“In London town, we all fell down, and Castor woke from slumber. Find the first, the beast, the cursed, the original has a number.”
Sarah wonders if the original means the Castor original as Rachel writes the number: H46239. If you Google that you’ll find the top hit is a tshirt site with Orphan Black shirts lol.
Dr. Nealon and a bunch of toughs break in. It’s hard to believe that any man wearing a terrible hat like that could be threatening, but he is so unsavory that he is.
“You…filthy…” Rachel protectively clutches the photocopies to her chest and is furious when he takes it from her. Nealon tells them that Delphine knew all along they’d made a copy. rachel can barely manage more than. “M…m…my book…my father…” before collapsing on the carpet in a seizure.
She’s rushed back to DYAD where Delphine is waiting at the entrance. She was in on all of it and was told that Rachel was strong enough to risk being moved. Dr. Nealon rushes Rachel to surgery but as the elevator doors close we see Rachel open her good eye. TWIST!
In the morning, Scott and Cosima wait on a couch in Delphine’s office. It looks like they’ve been waiting all night for news. Scott says they should’ve made TWO copies and Cosima calls it ‘amateur hour’. Think Cosima, think. Make a copy. Then make one to go in a safety deposit box. Then make one to hide in a file on Scott’s computer labeled as Rune Wars. No one but Rachel can translate this book anyways. DUH. Dr. Nealon tells Delphine that Rachel is in a coma that she may never wake from.
Delphine is still in a French fury. She’s been furious for 98% of this episode. She tells Scott and Cosima that it’s their fault that Castor has a copy and even though they also have a copy without Rachel it’s useless. She accepts Cosima’s resignation, “And also yours,” she spits at Scott.
“But I didn’t-“ he starts but Delphine cuts him off by tossing Shay’s file to Cosima. Security will show these two disgraced idiots out. She’s smarter than the two of them put together.
Mrs. S. decides that the best place to find clues about the rhyme is to go to London. Felix is all YAY LONDON HOMETIME.
Meanwhile, Dr. Nealon is checking on comatose Rachel. His phone rings and he answers. It’s Rachel WAIT WHAT. Oh the trickery. Rachel is smarter than all of them put together and played her fellow clones and co. like a lovingly restored violin. It sounds like Rachel’s already somewhere ‘abroad’ and she’s being prepped for surgery. If she’s far away and about to get a new prosthetic eye, then who’s Dr. Nealon examining…oh no. Oh no no. It’s Krystal. Poor, sweet, unaware but suspicious that something big is happening Krystal. This is not good for Krystal. She’s been kidnapped by Nealon and used as a fake coma Rachel while the real Rachel used the ID that she tricked Sarah and Felix into stealing so she could get out of the country and take over her identity and she tricked them all into smuggling her out so she could get the copy of the book ‘taken away’ and now she probably has a copy of the book and some mysterious woman doctor is in the room about to do the surgery on Rachel and and and…holy. Damn girl, you clever as shit.
Next week: Lots of spoilers in the trailer. Plus Mrs S. sings a sexy, sassy song in a London Town nightclub which I DO NOT WANT.