Hey. Can I just lay my head on your shoulder for a minute? Thanks. I’m just… no, I don’t need a drink of water, thank you. I’m just really really tired. Hmm, that’s not the right word, it’s… Fatigued? That’s it. I’m fatigued.
I bet you are, too. Or you should be. What are we doing, guys? What–
Screw it. Let’s do this. And for what it’s worth, I literally write these AS I WATCH, so enjoy the energy drop as you go. EDIT: I am not a book reader. I am deleting comments that mention details from the books. Don’t be that person. If you’re new, now you know: NO BOOK TALK.
Previously: STANNIS BROKE OUR HEARTS. Also, other things, but mostly that first one. Thanks, Lord of Light, if that is indeed your real name. HARUMPH.
But hmm. The ice is melting. Well fuck you very much, I guess you’re real. But guess what? Stannis isn’t so keen on celebrating, Melisandre, so keep your sexy “aww yeah, who’s a Big King?” hands to yourself, mm’kay? Also, the whole “kill your child, win the war” tactic cost Stannis half of his men to desertion. The ones with the horses. Well… great. (We all noticed Fire Crotch Mage’s hair slowly turning red again, correct? That… okay, that’s cool. MORE OF THIS, LESS BABY MURDERING. Also: WHY DOES IT DO THAT.)
Soldier: So… Um. Sir? It’s just… Well. Uh.
Stannis: Speak up! You can’t shock me!
GRRM: OH CAN’T I??
Selyse: [HANGING FROM A TREE BECAUSE I GUESS SHE WASN’T THE TOTAL WORST AFTER ALL]
Me: YES. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS. And who also should have? *cough* Papa.
Stannis: So… I really hate everything happening. I feel like hell, and I look like hell. I know that I should, okay? Iron throne…. Maybe not worth it? Well, I made a deal, and people should honor their–
FCM: LATER BITCHES. [sneaks out]
Stannis: –I guess there’s nowhere to go but forward. DAMMIT.
Me: WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Jon tells Sam of the undead army, how it’s basically the biggest in the world, and hey: they’re already dead, so… Let’s hope they can’t climb the Wall? [tugs neckline] Sam hones in on the sword that killed the White Walker being Valyrian steel and asks the smartest question yet: SPREADSHEET OF VALYRIAN STEEL SWORDS/OWNERSHIP/LOCATIONS PLS.
Great line: Jon acknowledging them being the most hated dudes at the Wall. “Long may they sneer.” Hahaha. Ha. Ahem.
Sam wants to be sent to Imperial City and attend Arcane University to level up his mage and intellect to +4 Maester, because then he’ll be of more help to Jon. Um, I think Sam isn’t getting how quickly Winter Is Coming. I assume the studies to become a Maester are arduous and the years of training long. But mostly he just doesn’t want to fail Gilly and baby Morsel. But look. Jon has to make hard decisions. Which means he rolls over instantly. COME ON, JON. But ha, Sam and Jon high five over Sam having gotten some before his quick send off.
Stannis leads his men on a march to Winterfell, so at least he follows his word, you know? The shot of Winterfell in the distance is pretty bad ass, as is the shot inside of the Boltons prepping for war. Sansa uses the confusion and her wine opener (ha, I called it) to escape, cross the yard and get to the north tower.
Pod, with a brace of coneys [What’s coneys, Precious?], sees the army approaching and runs to Brienne, who sits safely and watches for any sign of light in the tower. Sansa continues her trek there, but before she can climb the tower, she walks off, missing the light in the tower OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
But just as Stannis gives the order to his men to Battle of Bulge dig in for the fight tomorrow, the Boltons are all, “HOW ABOUT WE GET RIGHT TO IT?” riding out immediately.
I do like that Sansa is all Rapunzel up in her tower, hopefully safe from all of this nonsense.
A soldier cries out, we’ve got no chance! But Stannis, and god dammit, I still think this man is a hell of a leader—BAD DADDY in the end, but a hell of a leader—draws his sword, still in front of his men, and they all pull iron, too. It’s a freaking amazing shot of the Boltons in perfect formation, the Baratheon army in disarray, and then we can hear the sound of swords cutting bodies into two. Yeesh.
Stanis forces himself to standing, using his sword as a cane. Two Boltons come at him, and he fucking takes them both out, even after getting sliced across the leg. This man… Dammit. BRIENNE APPEARS BEFORE HIM. Tells him he knows about the murder, the blood magic, and is here to watch him die. Scratch that, she’s here to sentence him to die. Any last words?
“Do your duty.”
She FUCKING DOES. Oh my– Is. DID I JUST. SHE.
Cut to Ramsay taking out the last of the Baratheon army. Ahh, Ramsay’s having a great day! The birds are calling, the sun is out, and the dead cover the entire ground.Sansa races back to her rooms, but is caught by Myranda and Reek. Sansa says if she’s going to die, then let it be when there’s still some of her spirit left. Myranda thinks this is hilarious! Honey, no one cares about your spirit! Plus, you don’t kill things you slowly torture! Look at Reek, here! Oh, the things I’m gonna do to you….
Reek: [SHOVES HER OVER THE BALCONY TO HER DEATH OH MY GOD.]
He takes Sansa’s hand, they look at one another, and then they LEAP OVER THE WALL THAT IS A GOOD TEN STORIES HIGH, PLEASE BE AIMING FOR A SNOW BANK AND THIS IS STUFF YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE KIDS OTHERWISE DID I JUST WATCH A DOUBLE SUICIDE??
[mournfully sings “We Both Go Down Together“]
Also, holy shit, Stannis is just dead? Sorry, still processing that one. All that build up, all of that… I mean, that’s pretty much how life works, I know, and it fits in with my lack of belief in a god, but damn. DAMN. All of that for fucking nothing. WHich, yeah, again, I know, but this is supposed to be entertainment.
In Pedophile Brothel, Trant is getting excited about whipping some babies because everything is awful and we almost went a few minutes without being reminded that everywhere in the world, little girls are hurt by men. HA. ALMOST FORGOT FOR TEN SECONDS. There are three little girls in there with him, and he has a cane that he’s beating them with AND WHY DO I NEED TO SEE THIS? Trick question because: I don’t.
I don’t, you don’t, the good people of the world don’t, WE DO NOT. We know he’s bad. It’s been well established. Oh, I can see the hateful comments I block coming now, and I want you to think about that for a moment. Think about the times you’ve been angry with ME for not wanting to watch little girls be beaten or raped. Or little boys. Or Theon. But yeah, I’m who you should be mad at. SORRY, this season I just got a bunch of shitty people saying shitty things about me, and I have no patience for it any more.
I want you to think long and hard about why you think we DO need to see this, if you’re of that particular mindset. And then I want you to feel bad about yourself. You know what they could have done? Shown the girls, shown the cane, then let us hear the sounds as it focuses on a candle flickering, or on a teddy bear or some shit as a sign of “they are young and innocent, and that’s what he delights in ruining.” And then, cut to:
Girl number three not crying out. He hits her a few times, but she just rocks with it. He gets excited. “I can see I have my work cut out for me.” The girl moves her hair, it’s the girl who drank the water in the House of Black and White, and he punches her belly, knocking her to the floor. Then she stands, TAKES OFF HER FACE TO REVEAL ARYA, who promptly blinds him in both eyes and gags him with some cloth as he screams while she stabs him over and over. WOW.
“You’re the first person on my list, you know.” He whimpers and cries as she asks if he knows who she is. She stabs him in the belly for the hell of it, pierces his spine, tells him she’s Arya Stark and he is no one, nothing, and slits his throat. HELL. YEAH. Cold as ice, Arya Stark. Until she sneaks back home to hide the face back in the wall where it belonged and this is not going to end well.
“A Girl has taken a life. The wrong life.”
BUSTED! She stole from the Many-Faced God, and now a debt is owed. Angry Co-Worker holds her as Jaqen pops the cap off a bottle of poison and NOPE. No. They… This isn’t going where I think it is? This–
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO KILL ARYA FUCKING STARK. NO. And ha, no! They’re actually not! Jaqen TAKES THE POISON HIMSELF WHAAAAAAAT?? A MAN IS TAKING HIS OWN LIFE?!
Co-Worker: Why are you crying?
Arya: He was my friend!
Co-Worker: No he wasn’t. Also, WAS THIS YOUR CARD?!?! [shows that SHE IS THE ACE OF JAQEN NOT A GIRL, WHAT.]
Me: What sort of trickery is this?
Jaqen: Tricks are for WHORES. What I do are ILLUSIONS.
Arya: Wait, then whose face is this? [pulls faces off ‘Jaqen’ like it’s a multi-colored ribbon trick until she gets to HER face, because OHO she IS the one who took the poison after all? I think?]
She goes blind, panics, and I have no idea what’s really happening (although I have my theories). So, he said if you don’t become No One properly, wearing a face is basically a death sentence? Or she’s blind until she dies? IDK.
In Dorne, Mrycella kisses her future Father In Law’s cheek, and Ellaria kisses Myrcella square on the mouth for waaaay too long, and I’ve seen enough spy movies to know she has poison lipstick. Right? That has to be what’s happening here. Bronn says goodbye to the weirdly sexual Sand Snake who says, “You want a good girl, but you need the bad pussy” and bites his ear, and that wasn’t…
Honey. GIRL. Let’s talk, Camera Two. You’re coming on strong, okay? A little mystery goes a long way. Also, you just said you have bad pussy. What would have worked was “a bad girl’s pussy.” Fellas into ladies? Ladies into ladies? Back me up here. Also, you’re like, thirteen. Stop it. It’s creepy.
Jamie has a moment with his neice-daughter, and it’s very sweet. So: perfect time to ruin it!
Jaime: When a brother and sister love each other very much, they bring down a dynasty.
Myrcella: Wait. Wait a minute. Did you think I didn’t know you’re my father uncle? I’ve known for a while you’re my uncle Daddy.
Jaime: I… Huh. Okay. You mean… I get Father’s Day gifts now?! [lip wobble]
Me: SOMEONE’S GONNA DIE SOON, I JUST KNOW IT.
Myrcella: [bleeding out of her nose, gasping for breath, dies in her father’s arms]
Ellaria: [wipes off poisoned lipstick, takes the antidote, walks off with her viper babies]
Son of a bee sting. That little girl did NOTHING WRONG. Welp, better dead than living in this world, I suppose? SIIIIIIIIGH.
Tyrion sits with Daario and Jorah, all waiting for Dany to finish her Ultimate Dragon Experience, and can’t help but point out to both bros that they’re not really going to Get The Girl in the end, like, come on, dudes. “We always want the wrong woman.” Grey Worm staggers out with Missandei on his arm, wanting Jorah to leave, but that’s because he hasn’t been caught up by Tyrion’s nostril Valyrian. (Hahaha, that was cute.)
The plan shakes down thusly: Tyrion is shit on a horse and with a sword, but boss at running cities. Missandei and GreyWorm are the cutest couple ever and need to stay put so their love will flourish (blah blah, leader of the Unsullied, most trusted advisor of the Queen, I HEARD WHAT I HEARD), so they’ll stick it out in Meereen while Jorah and Daario continue their pissing contest as they search for Dany.
And WELL, WELL, WELL, Varys appears! He has some good advice: keep your head down and get some excellent spies. Or, well, ha, perhaps take Varys on as a Master of Whispers? Tyrion’s shoulders visibly sag in relief. Finally, intellectual equals back on our screen!
Hey guys? Stannis is dead. Fucking… God dammit.
Not dead: Daenerys and Drogon, although Drogon isn’t looking too good. KITTY LIZARD BABY, NOO!! They are ENDANGERED ANIMALS. She climbs aboard his back, trying to encourage him to fly, but he’s either too wounded (we see all of his wounds) or sleepy tie-tie as he rests his schnozz on his wing/foot and takes a fiver.
She wanders off the beautiful grassy hillside in search of food, water, civilization, when a man on horse rides up. And a few others. Many others. Lots and lots and lots of others. She takes off her ring and drops it to the ground as a horde surrounds her. To her credit she keeps calm.
Also keeping calm is Cersei, bedraggled and beaten down in her cell, curling away as the Mean Nun comes in to tell her to confess once more. And, son of a bitch, she does. She goes to the High Sparrow and begs to be clean again, wants absolution. But first, if she confesses, she’ll get out of there, right?
High Sparrow: ….possibly.
Cersei: Fine. I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play.
High Sparrow: That’s… not exactly what I meant–
Cersei: In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog. When my dad sent me to the summer camp to keep me off my brother I switched to fucking my cousins.
High Sparrow: Good lord!
Cersie: But the worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
High Sparrow: Um, so let’s get to the real sins here? Let’s talk about the Flowers in your Attic.
Cersei: I don’t know what you’re talking about because let’s just say for the sake of argument that I did boink my brother and produced three gene-creeps for heirs, that would make my son’s claim to the throne illegitimate, and I’m not going there. Because… I didn’t. Boink my brother. Over and over. Including one time over our dead son’s body. Because he wasn’t our dead son? Shit.
High Sparrow: This seems reasonable to me. We’ll have a trial, then!
Cersei: FUCKING TRIAL?? I— JFC, um, let me try this. Mother’s Mercy, may I at least see my son just for some heartening?
High Sparrow: This sounds lovely. Aww, mothers! So now let’s get to your atonement.
Cersei: …creepy priest says what?
Cut To: Cersei getting her Karen Silkwood shower from the Mean Nuns. They are not nice about it, and they’re not very good at it, either, and that’s a hell of a Merkin she’s wearing. Also, that’s fucking brave as shit to do this scene in the nude, Lena.
Mean Nun grabs a straight blade while Cersei death stares her. NOT HER HAIR, HER GLORIOUS HAIR. Oh yeah. Atone for the sin of thinking you’re pretty and using your body for sin, sister. She keeps it together while they do this, but just barely. She’s a woman who is good with a cold dish of revenge, is our Cersei. She looks beaten down and her scalp is bleeding, and the glamorous Cersei is gone. But she doesn’t care. She promised the Mean Nun she’d see her dead, and I believe she’ll do it.
She’s led in front of the city where she’s announced as a woman of falsehood and fornication. (Uh, ye who are without sin cast the first stone, come the hell on.) She has her eyes on the Red Keep, though, and I’m pretty sure it’s giving her strength. High Sparrow says she’s gonna do an Extreme Walk Of Shame, and they strip her so she has to walk down the steps and through the crowd as Mean Nun says “Shame” over and over and come the fuck on. SERIOUSLY?
First off, let’s call it a Pride Stride. Or Laid Parade. Second, GODDAMN, LENA. The crowd is parted by the Forehead Brigade as the crowd begins to join in with whore, cunt, shame, so on. But she’s keeping her eye on the backs of her “protectors” as they throw things at her, spit, and wow, people really are awful, aren’t they?
Okay, this is fucking brutal. People are throwing their pisspots on her, spitting on her, and she doesn’t let one tear fall, not one. She’s, dare I say, Queenly in her walk. OMG, if you weren’t rooting for her to keep it together, then you’re a liar. She falls to her knees, finally cries just a little but keeps her eyes on the castle and the Kingsguard just in the distance. Keep going, oh my god. The gates are just ahead, and then she begins to weep, safe with the red cloaks standing watch.
She enters the castle, Qyburn is there to cover her, and god damn Grand Maester Cat Piss is smirking at her, and you and your grey pud can go to hell, Cat Piss. Qyburn also shows her the newest member of the Kingsguard, ZOMBIE MOUNTAIN, who picks her up in his arms. And apparently he won’t speak until all of her enemies are dead. OHO.
If I may help you in your list?
- Mean Nun
- High Sparrow
- Cat Piss
- LANCEL, BLOOD TRAITOR
- your nasty Uncle Kevan who wouldn’t stand up for you
- SNAPE because I don’t know how anyone thinks he’s a hero, sorry, I know it’s the wrong fandom, but it bears repeating, Snape tortured children.
- Uh, probably Baelish, IDK, I’m getting carried away
Hey, what’s up at the Wall? Davos is there wanting people to fight for Stannis, not knowing they’re dead already. HEY AND FIRE CROTCH MAGE, fully red now, SHOWS UP. Davos wants to know about Shireen. Welp, she’s dead, her mother’s dead and Stannis by now is most likely dead, too. Hitched your wagon to the wrong star, buddy.
Jon reads his Owls, I mean, his Ravens, and looks pretty stressed. YEAH. LIFE IS SHIT. I don’t know what anyone is fighting for! Well, maybe for this? Olly comes in, says Uncle BenJen from Season one is actually still alive, according to a Wildling and… wait a damn minute.
Olly hates Wildlings. Why is he talking to them? Why is he listening to them? This has trap written all over it. Especially when Lord Butt Hurt says more information, leading Jon to a sign that reads TRAITOR.
I swear to fucking god, you guys. I need to drink more, I really do.
THEY ALL. FUCKING. STAB. JON GODDAMN SNOW. “For the Watch.”
Oh, what was that? You want me to stop watching? I know what I heard, okay?
GUYS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT WHAT WHAT?! He’s still standing for a moment, looking at them all in shock as they back away. Olly comes forward and no. Come on. (Jon looks pretty good for being stabbed eight times, though) but Olly grits his teeth, knuckles away a tear, and stabs him in the chest, “For the Watch.”
RED MAGE, YOU BETTER PULL OUT A +10 BAG OF HEALING.
I. WHAT DID WE
Show? If I may? If you don’t give me anything to root for, WHY SHOULD I WATCH?? I mean this genuinely and sincerely. I know there are the weirdos who love to laugh at people being shocked and upset anytime something bad happens on screen, giggling into their bag of Funyuns to say, “What show did you think you were watching?”
I thought I was watching a show about people getting knocked down but there being a reason to fucking stand up again, that’s what I thought.
If there’s nothing to live for, why live? For a moment of sex after getting your face beaten in? For a nice chat with your daughter before she chokes on her own blood? For the realization that your broken foster brother maybe isn’t so broken as you jump to your death? For the promise of winning a war only to be destroyed soundly? To get revenge over the men who killed people you loved only to be punished for it with blindness and possibly death?
WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR? Faces of Death Part A Million? I didn’t sign up for that. I don’t know what we’re here for anymore. I don’t want to just watch torture porn. I don’t want to just watch people fail over and over with nothing good ever fucking happening.
What are we here for? Was it beautifully shot? Yes. Was it beautifully acted? Of course. Are the scenes gorgeous and the pain evident and the effects glorious and the story richly detailed? Absolutely. But what the fuck is in it for me as a viewer if I don’t want to just watch people ripped apart—literally, most of the time—and want to know why everyone isn’t just running themselves into swords? Because what the hell is there to live for in Westeros??
If you read about the Tainos—the people who lived in the Greater and Lesser Antilles where Christopher Columbus and his men landed—you learn that they were so filled with despair as Chris’s men sharpened their swords on their rib cages, raped their people, atrocity upon atrocity, that the women began drowning their babies, then drowned themselves. Two million people wiped off the earth (for the most part). Because what was the fucking point?
So… what is the fucking point? Can anyone remember anything good that happened this season? Something we can rally around? I’m struggling, I really am. I am filled with fucking despair and I’m looking for a water hole. I’m not going to stop watching, because I see shit to the end (just look at my marriage, ba-dum bum CHING!) plus I’m hoping for Sansa miraculously surviving, for Jon miraculously surviving, for Arya miraculously surviving, for Gendry to have been a one legged duck rowing in a circle this whole time. I need to pin my hopes on SOMEONE, and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Tommen.
“Rocks fall; everyone dies” is an internet meme, not a screenwriting direction. Am I going to think differently after watching more? I don’t know, I don’t know.
Talk me down, guys. I wish it wasn’t so damn pretty to watch, I really do. :(
I mean, this is how we leave until next April? Do you even want to come back and talk with me about this show? Siiiiiigh.