Orphan Black 3×09 – Insolvent Phantom of Tomorrow

 

I want Donnie and Helena to have their own spin-off show. It'll be called, "Baby Ox and the Avenging Angel" I'm still working on the title.

I want Donnie and Helena to have their own spin-off show. It’ll be called: “Baby Ox and the Avenging Angel”
I’m still working on the title.

Previously: Cosima resigned, Scott got fired, Helena and Gracie moved in with the Hendrix’s, Donnie picked a losing fight with stupid hair Jason Kellerman, the new cute clone Krystal got captured and switched for Rachel who escaped DYAD because Rachel schooled them all like a boss.

 

 

LONDONTOWN! Fee, Sarah and Mrs. S have arrived and they get right to work, meeting up with an old friend named Terry down at some pub. He has a gun for Mrs. S. She says she’s going to kill the original Castor clone. BAD ASS.

Rudy is glitching and failing his true or false test. Oh well. He’s upset and wonders how long he has. Mother tells him their best cryptographers are working on decoding the book but honestly, she just doesn’t seem all that concerned. She’s the worst mother of them all.

Here’s the best mother of them all: Helena. She praises Gemma who is practising her karate. Then she shows Gemma how to gouge out her opponent’s eyes. HA. Ginger Gracie catches them and scolds Helena, reminding her she doesn’t do those sorts of things anymore. Shut up Gracie, Helena is perfect. Helena stands meekly and agrees that she walks a different path now. Boooo.

Back in LONDONTOWN, Terry is having a pint with our pals and reads some of the rhyme that Rachel scratched down. “What are you after, bleedin’ Mother Goose?” he asks and I frown at that terrible line. Booo, writers. Boo. Terry recognizes the number Rachel decoded as a prisoner number and now we’re getting somewhere.

Alison is packing up some more campaigning stuff and realizes she hasn’t seen Donnie all morning. She calls him and asks why he didn’t come to bed last night. Donnie, I’d notice right away. You’re not Hot Paul (RIP Hot Paul) but you’re super hot too. Poor Donnie is all beat in the face and in a lot of pain. Alison believes him when he lies that he got up early for a run and slept on the couch cause of his bad noisy sinuses. She tells him to watch the store as Gracie is going to a doctor’s appointment.

Cosima is suspicious of Shay but it looks like she’s still staying at her place. As Shay showers Cosima finally pulls out the file Delphine got her and looks through it. Dude, it that was me I’d have been looking in it the moment the door closed behind me as I left DYAD.

Cosima flips through. No arrests…her education…she flips again and WHAT. No no, nothing you’ll be excited about but for me this is a huge deal cause Shay is from WINNIPEG, MANITOBA just like me.

There is no actual , we looked it up. Trust me, they need to use fake street names or nerds like me would be posing next to it all day long for pics.

There is no actual Queenstar Road. There’s a Queenston a Queensbury and a Queensway. Trust me, they need to use fake street names or nerds like me would be posing next to it all day long for pics.

My daughter noticed right away. Not me, cause I suck. REPRESENT, SHAY. She did say she was a prairie girl.

Ok, ok, back to recapping. There are pictures of Shay and Cosima on their first date, them walking, one of them holding hands. A credit report. And oh snap, a picture of Shay in a military uniform. Cosima hides the file as Shay walks in the room and tells Shay she needs to go to DYAD to get the rest of her stuff. Shay looks sad about being blown off.

Pouchy’s thug comes to the stockroom and tells Donnie that they’re out. No more drug business for them cause stupid hair Jason Kellerman no longer vouches for them. Wow Jason. Wow.

The thug wants the pills back. He look around but the pills aren’t there. However, he does find Helena’s container and decides it looks important. Donnie has no idea what it is but thug takes it as collateral until they return the pills.

Cosima goes to Scott’s, convinced that Shay is the mole. He doesn’t know but points out that Rudy knew Cosima was sick again, and so does Shay. Cosima decides to go crawling back to Delphine for help. Poor Cosima. She can’t buy a break.

Fee, Mrs. S and Sarah are eating some unappetizing LONDONTOWN food. The kids are all giggles about hearing that Mrs. S and Carlton used to ‘shag’. Yuck. Then three guys show up and talk about the good ole days when Mrs. S was a singer and convince her to get up and sing a song with them and their band and WHAT.

Less singing, more anything else

Less singing, more anything else

Terry has found some info about the Castor original. He calls and leaves Mrs. S a message. Perhaps if she wasn’t singing a song on stage she would’ve spoken to him and Terry wouldn’t have gotten all beat up by the unsavoury Ferdinand (remember him?) and by Ferdinand I mean Ferdinand’s creepy undead looking henchman. Ferdinand doesn’t do the beating-he likes to be beaten. By Rachel.

So Mrs. S sings, Terry gets shit-kicked, and Fee and Sarah are thrilled and this scene is just wtf. It really sticks out. Do not want. That said, Maria Doyle Kennedy is a real singer and she tours with her husband all over the world and she’s actually a great singer.

Once Mrs. S is done it’s back to business. She still says she needs to kill the original, since Castor is sterilizing women and they can’t let that happen. Fair enough. Sorry Rudy and Mark and soldier guard I’m too lazy to remember your name of…Miller. Right. No cure for you! Mrs. S sees her voicemail and calls Terry back but he’s too busy getting viciously beaten to death to answer. So rude of him. Let’s go visit Terry, Mrs. S decides.

Now back to the only thing making this episode bearable: Helena! She’s in the garage, mixing ingredients for soap or something, dancing around and singing off key to The Mammas and the Papa’s ‘You Baby’. It’s such a sweet song and Helena is so goofy and once again my cynical heart swells with love for our ruthless killer turned protector. Gracie interrupts Helena to tell her she’s leaving for her doctor’s appointment.

She kinda looks like Minion

She kinda looks like Minion

Helena says she’ll see her later but Gracie gives her a big hug and says, “Goodbye Helena”. Oh. Gracie’s leaving. I’m not sure if Helena figures this out or not as she just keeps singing and dancing when Gracie leaves.

As she’s singing, Helena sees Donnie sneak into the craft room. He’s startled by her peeking at him from the doorway in the most Helena way imaginable:

Jesus wtf

Jesus wtf

“You’re face is damaged,” she tells Donnie. He lies that he ran into a post while jogging. “A post made of fists I think.” She makes him a special paste that the girls used in the convent that they applied when the nuns used to beat the demons out of them. What a happy life she had. I just don’t see why she became a killer.

Cosima goes back to DYAD with her tail between her legs and asks Delphine for her help. She confesses that Sarah is in LONDONTOWN, trying to kill the Castor original. They need to know who gave them the book. Delphine’s already huge eyes get huge-er.

Helena smears her healing goo over Donnie’s face. She knows about their drug dealing because Helena is a frickin’ genius. She’s touched to discover that Donnie is doing this to help his family because if there’s one thing that Helena cherishes, it’s FAMILY. Speaking of which, Donnie mentions how the drug dealers have this mysterious metal nitrogen tank from under the counter…

Helena freezes. “My babies?” Her creepy Helena music starts to play as she tells Donnie about her frozen embyos. She turns her back to him and picks up a knife, asking where the drug dealers are. Donnie says he will get the tank, reminding her also that she walks a new path now. That must be the new mantra.

“Alison won’t like this,” Helena points out as she puts the knife back down.

Donnie gets firm. “I don’t care. It’s a Dad Decision. For the family. And you’re a part of it now.”

  1. Dad Decision is the best thing I’ve heard Donnie say
  2. Helena’s face when Donnie says she’s part of the family! It’s just heartbreaking how much that meant to her
  3. HELENA IS LOVE
We make family, yes?

We make family, yes?

Back in LONDONTOWN, they find a horribly beaten and dying Terry. Sarah and Felix panic a bit and stumble around to find towels to stop the bleeding but it’s too late, Terry dies. BUT! Not before whispering something to S about the inmate number. S barks out that they’ve lost their advantage and are leaving LONDONTOWN. Sarah argues but Mrs. S gives her the gun and sends them to wait for her at the pub.

Sarah sees Terry’s phone as they leave and grabs it. Of course she’s not going to listen to S; she looks through the phone and calls whoever it was Terry spoke to a couple of times that day. Pretending to be S, she tells the person she needs to talk to him. The mysterious man on the other send sends a cab to pick them up. They go with him, Felix complaining about this madness the entire time.

Donnie and Helena go to Pouchy’s and Helena waits in the car as Donnie goes inside with the drugs. Pouchy, the niece, the thug and another thug are all there. The niece keeps using the papercutter in a threatening manner as Donnie gives the drugs back and asks for the tank back. He tells them it’s his and his wife’s fertilized eggs. He also asks for his money back. They all have a good laugh at him. Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

The doorbell rings again and the niece looks at the security cameras. “It’s the wife,” she scoffs. One of the thugs looks through the peephole to see this:

wave

OH MY FRICKIN GOD THIS IS AMAZING.

“You were taking long time….I…came to check up. Husband.” Helena rubs Donnie on the chest, trying to look harmless. When the thug that knows Alison asks what’s wrong with her voice she gives a small cough and claims to have a cold. Donnie agrees that it’s one of those really bad ones that mess with your syntax. AHAHAHA.

The niece hands the tank over but no refund. Helena takes a step forward to beat that bitch to the ground but Donnie leads her away, saying that they have her eggs. As they walk towards the door the niece can’t help but gloat and throw her weight around, warning them not to try and get back into business because they know where the Hendrix’s live! They know where Gemma and Oscar go to school!

*needle scratch sound*

Helena freezes and turns around. “Did you threaten babies?” She gives Donnie the tank and shoves him out the door, locking it. “You should not threaten babies.” YES. YES GODDAMMIT YES. Oh I can’t WAIT for Helena to kill them all but good. Bye, losers.

Delphine shows up at Shay’s with two of her own thugs. She’s evil and intimating and closes Shay’s blinds because Shay is going to tell her everything.

The most ominous blind closing moment in cinematic history

The most ominous blind closing moment in cinematic history

She orders Shay to remove her shoes, which is random and strange and oddly terrifyingly disturbing.

Shay is scared and upset but claims she doesn’t know anything about Castor, she’s not a corporate spy and she’s only been to DYAD once. Delphine runs a bath and pulls a razor blade from her boot, telling a story, as all good villains do, about an old friend that tried to kill herself. The friend sliced her arm veins but she should’ve sliced the ones on her feet too. Shay shakes.

Helena finally leaves Pouchy’s, carrying the blade from his papercutter that was used to threaten Donnie. Oh delicious irony! She’s drenched in blood and a little out of it. Donnie asks what she did and she says that she got a refund. She hands him a bag and informs him that they should leave.

And this is why you don't threaten babies

And this is why you don’t threaten babies

I would’ve much rather had the Helena killing scene instead of the Mrs. S sings as Terry gets beaten scene. I mean, think about how awesome the scene in season 2 with Helena in the bar fight was. Her cutting those smug Canadian drug dealers into Portuguese slices would’ve been amazing. Or am I just too bloodthirsty?

When they get back home, Donnie hides the money in the freezer. There’s way more there than the 30 grand that was his. Helena washes her hands and thanks him for helping her save her babies. She goes to shower as Alison comes home. Donnie tells her that they’ve come into…a lot of money. YAY

Gracie calls Cosima and confesses that she was the mole. She betrayed them because she wants to save Mark. Cosima is all, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” She calls Delphine and is all, oh hey, how’s it going? Oh by the way, it wasn’t Shay that took the book. Delphine hangs up and looks at a weeping Shay. She still wants to slice that bitch right up.

Maybe I can still use my handy dandy razor blade

Maybe I can still use my handy dandy razor blade

The taxi driver confronts Sarah that she isn’t S, but when he finds out that she’s Sarah he takes her to the apartment where the Castor original lives. Fee waits outside. The driver is killed by Ferdinand. Well. I guess Ferdinand gets his hands dirty after all. He calls Delphine. Now he has some leverage against her with this whole Sarah is in LONDONTOWN and not locked up in DYAD like she’s supposed to be. The tables have turned. Delphine invites him to come visit DYAD.

I’m wrapping this up because frankly, this story twist annoys me. Sarah sneaks into the apartment. She doesn’t find an old male convict, instead she finds a mean old lady. Mrs. S shows up and drops a truth bomb, “Hello Mother.” Yeah yeah, we figured that when you walked in.

So it turns out that S’s mother was sent to jail for killing S’s husband. She felt he was a creeper, as he married her when she was only 17. Mrs. S doesn’t agree.

It also turns out that Mrs. S’s mum is the Castor original. Not a man. Her. She absorbed a male twin in the womb. So she’s both the Leda and the Castor original. She has two cell lines. Mrs. S wants to kill her and blow the place up with natural gas but Sarah points out she’s the Leda original and her Mum and they need her.

So if Mrs. S’s mum is Leda, and Sarah is a clone, is Sarah Mrs S’s…aunt? They’re actually related for real? Ow my brain.

I’m not a fan of this twist but hey, let’s see what the season finale holds for us shall we?

NEXT WEEK: Season finale!

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