Oh hey there, fellow Clone Clubbers! Welcome to season 4. Did you miss me? Did you think about me? I thought about you. A lot. Actually, I really thought about Hot Paul a lot. Hot Paul and Big Macs. Sorry.
Season 4 opens with an episode entirely devoted to Beth. We get to see the days leading up to her shooting Maggie Chen and walking in front of a train which isn’t recommended for your health. Let’s just say that Beth is as big a disaster as one could imagine.
There’s a new clone in the game, but she’s always been in the game and we never got to see her until now. She’s Mika, also called MK, she has an accent, she may be Icelandic and she loves to wear sheep masks. I get the reference (Dolly, the famous clone sheep) but what I don’t get is how the hell does she see out of that thing? If I was sneaking around and spying on bad guys I’d pick something better than this. But that’s just me.
Anyways, let’s get started, shall we?
MK watches a couple of kinky EMTs bury a body in the woods. They find dead body burying really sexy and share a hot kiss in between shoveling but I mean, who wouldn’t get off on that kind of stuff? MK makes a sound, they hear, she runs off and calls a sleeping Beth to let her know what she saw and how to find the grave.
Beth gets up and goes into the bathroom and guess who’s in bed beside her? Hot Paul! Hot Paul is back, in flashback form! I’ll take it!
Beth is sad. She’s cold to Paul as she goes into the bathroom and pretends to take a shower. She is not doing well with all drug use and even has a spoon and drug pack hidden in her bathroom that comes in really handy for sniffing pills that she grinds into a powder. I don’t know my drugs so I don’t know what she’s taking but it doesn’t look like she’s snorting Maxidol®. Relieve those pesky menstrual pains with Maxidol®! Maxidol ®: It’s cures what ails ya. Maxidol®: it’s Midol®, but MAXIMIZED. Dear ©Bayer Company, you can deposit the cheque straight into my account.
All drugs snorted, Beth gets dressed to go investigate her ‘anonymous tip’. Hot Paul is all SAD EYES and Beth is all COLD SHOULDER/DISTANT and I am all WHY DID YOU KILL HOT PAUL CRYYY.
It’s morning and the police are at the scene. Hey look, it’s Art. He’s looking super sleek, have you been working out? Art says Beth looks like shit and asks if she slept at all. Art says it like it is.
The coroner shows up, is over the top chipper and makes about a thousand bad jokes and puns and I am annoyed. It takes you right out of the scene. She uncovers the body and sees that one of his cheeks has been cut entirely away. “That’s cheeky!” she quips. NOPE.
The corpse also has one white contact lens and a surgically modified weiner. Shlong. Man tool. Wait, what’s the proper term? Oh yes, outie-vagina.
Beth gets a call on the old pink cell with the clone ring ring ring. It’s Cosima. Oh hai Cosima. Cosima needs Beth to talk to Alison. She needs that there tuition money cause she’s moving schools to help the clones. She reminds us that she’s a lesbian for the newbies and the people that had a stroke and forgot and that’s it for her this episode. Bye Cosima.
Art and Beth chat at Fung’s restaurant. Loving the callbacks, writers! Art is concerned/supportive/constipated I still can’t tell. No, he’s actually really nice and caring to Beth. He’s worried about her drug use/emotional state/relationship with Paul and encourages her to talk. Beth can’t, of course, cause clones. Art is all SUPORRTIVE and Beth is all DISASTER and I’m all I MISS HOT PAUL.
They’re having a special partner moment that’s ruined with the appearance of Angela. Hey, remember her? She’s as obnoxious as always and Beth leaves. Angela says Beth is ‘shaky’. Art says she’s fine. Art is a nice partner. Art is divorced. Art in love with Beth.
Back at the precinct! Beth is getting coffee and looky here, Felix is in the background. He’s under arrest for being Felix: possession, solicitation, public urination. I like the sound of those three words together. They have a nice ring to them. Possession, solicitation, public urination! It’s like poetry. Kanye got nothing on me.
She’s busy getting surveillance equipment to spy back at lying, spying Paul from that kid, ole whatshisname at the precinct; I’m too lazy to look it up. Fine, god, I’ll rewind. Raj. There. Stop yelling at me.
Beth goes to MK’s trailer but MK will only speak to her over the computer and not face to face because she’s paranoid and smart. She’s still in her mask but eventually takes it off at Beth’s request. She’s also the one who told Beth that Paul is spying on her. MK tells Beth it’s the Neolutionists that are doing this. They’re using their followers as lab rats and doing experiments on them oh god, here we go again with those people. Sure enough, the dead guy had something in his cheek from the Neolutionists.
Beth goes to Club Neolution and man I miss when Felix went there all sassy and awesome and eyelined. More Felix needed STAT.
Hey, guess who’s upstairs and trying on some fancy tail-exposing pantaloons? Icky ole Olivier! He’s too busy to come downstairs and deal with Beth-he’s got tail jewelry to try on don’t you know. Priorities, people!
Since Olivier is too busy sucking, Beth gets to walk around unfettered and chats with a pregnant lady. They watch people get small magnets implanted in their fingertips and pregnant lady demonstrates that, along with the one white contact lens, she has magnets in her fingertips as well. They banter until Beth asks if they know ole Edward Dead Guy in the Forest and suddenly pregnant lady’s boyfriend steps in and says nope, never heard of him. That’s not suspicious at all. Beth shows them the picture of Dead Edward in a totally dead state and gives them her card. Call me if you remember anything!
Oh look, it’s time for Alison! She’s chatting with Beth and is totes pumped with the new gun Beth gave her. She can’t wait for Beth to teach her how to shoot. As Beth sits in her car she gets an Alison flower delivery from our favourite young drug dealer Ramone. Inside the huge and tasteful flower arrangement are some pills and a small bottle of pee so Beth can cheat on her mandatory drug tests at work. Beth is worried it’s Alison’s pee but it’s her daughter’s and at first I’m confused on why they didn’t use Alison’s but then I remembered that Alison had a pretty bad drinking and pill problem herself back then. Gemma pee it is, then!
Creepy Olivier calls Dr. Leekie (hi, Max Headroom!) and wants Hot Paul replaced as Beth’s monitor. Leekie says there’s no one else in position to take over. This is good, now we know there wasn’t another spy around. Olivier is freaked about Beth coming into the club. He wasn’t freaked out enough to stop preening upstairs though, now was he?
Beth comes to detective talk to Leekie about Dead Guy in Forest. Leekie plays dumb.
Oh snap, when Beth gets back to the police station she’s told she’s off the case. Also, pee into this cup. Beth does, but cheats by using Alison’s daughter’s pee. Then she goes home and sets up the secret surveillance camera, puts on a sexy dress, gets a nice dinner ready, and snorts some more pills. She is a hot mess. A hot, hot mess.
When Hot Paul gets home Beth’s completely lost. She is just so lost inside. It’s a tough scene to watch as Beth falls apart, pulling the top of her beautiful dress down, begging Paul to look at her, see her, touch her, kiss her, protect her. Paul can’t even kiss her as she begs him to be real. It’s so sad you guys!
Hot Paul is all SITTING SADLY and Beth is all GUN POINTING. It looks like she’s going to kill him as he sits with his back to her but she doesn’t, of course. I mean, he’s so hot. Paul tells her if she wants this to be over then all she has to do is say it, which makes her livid. She won’t make it easy for him; if he wants to end it then he’ll have to man up.
Beth leaves and goes to Art. They make sweet, sweet love. I knew it! I knew something happened between them!
Later that night, Trina, the pregnant lady from Club Neolution, calls Beth. She’s panicked. Her dumb boyfriend let the Neolutionists implant something in his cheek and it started growing so he went to them to get it removed. That sounds bad, like, get your cheek cut out and then get buried in the woods by kinky EMTs bad. Beth goes to Chinatown to find him.
The dumb boyfriend is in some dirty building, asking for implant growth removal. And guess who’s doing the removing? That’s right, the kinky EMT couple that get off on burying bodies in the woods at night. Beth watches from a hole in a window as they give him anesthetic but it sounds more like he’s choking to death. I think he’s dead. The female EMT cuts his entire cheek out, which seems like a huge overkill to me, and pulls out a tiny, gross, squirming, bloody worm thingy. I knew it! It is just like the worm thingy that Dr. Nealon tried to put into Delphine’s mouth. YUCK. Oh hey, fun fact, Tom McCamus, who played Dr. Nealon, evil doctor with worms in his cheek, is from my hometown of Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Ok, back to the show. Beth is all, ewww sick, knocks something over and runs as the bad guys look over. She gets to the alley, hears a noise and whirls in a panic. Before she knows it she’s all BANG BANG MOTHERFUCKER, shooting Maggie Chen, who is all GURGLE DIE.
WHOOPS. Better Call Saul. She actually calls Art, obvs, who helps her cover it up. Art is all YOU SAW A GUN, BETH, A GUN, as he shoves a cellphone in Maggie’s cold, dead hand and Beth is all I SHOT A CIVILIAN SO HAVING A BAD DAY.
Beth goes to see MK, who makes her crappy powdered iced tea but Beth isn’t really into crappy iced tea. She’s more concerned about being unable to find anything out now that her badge is being taken away. She closes her eyes, defeated.
Meanwhile, back in real time, Art calls Sarah, who is still hiding down in Iceland. He has MK visiting and MK needs to tell Sarah something important: RUN. The Neolutionists know where they are. That MK, always knowing stuff. Ok then. Bye, Iceland!