[Previously!] SO NOTHING HAPPENED HERE. Nope. Not a thing. Bor-ing, eye-roll inducing lack of–
…lies, filthy lies. Okay, so we’re getting into the whole magic/mythos of the world. FINALLY. It’s just been, you know, 6 seasons… (Don’t mind me, I’m just antsy because there was a LOT that happened.) Remember, who has two thumbs and is Unsullied? THIS GAL! No spoilers be found, so thank you kindly for being a bro and helping me enjoy the whole discovery thing.
PYKE IS BACK ON THE MAP. I stood and cheered, y’all. We’re friends. I can tell you this, right? I just love this show, you guys. Warts and all, I love it. I LOVE IT. I’m a ride-or-die kinda gal, and you need to know this about me.
We start out tonight with Bran tangled up in Harold’s roots, err, Warging (VisionQuesting?) with the 3-Eyed Raven, and specifically to a flashback of Ned and Benjen practicing at the sword, and aww Lyanna, too. Ned tells his brother how he needs to keep his shield up AND JUST CLICK THE LINK THEN COME BACK O___O. Bran learns that Hodor was in Ned’s life, part giant, part human, all gentle. <3 But it’s just a quickie jaunt into happy times, because this is Game of Thrones, and it’s best Bran learns that he doesn’t get to enjoy things to completion.
Bran: …I finally get to see something I like and you’ll all LOL NOPE? The hell?
3 Eyed Raven: It is beautiful beneath the sea. But if you stay too long, you’ll drown.
Bran: I’m a teenager trapped in a frickin’ tree. Shut up with the metaphorical stuff for once, would you? You’re not my real dad! HODOR, CARRY ME OFF IN A VISIBLE HUFF.
Hodor: Hodor just pawn in game of
Bran tells Hodor, who is outside at the base of the tree, that Bran saw him as a boy, and Hodor gives the most emotional “Hodor” yet. So, I am actually obsessed? Right now? About Hodor? So, A++ job, show/books. M-O-O-N, that spells my broken heart over Wylis the giant child with the heart of Hodor.
Meera’s also outside the magic tree, and I just love the exposed roots. As a Master Gardener *cough* those roots would be dead and that tree would not be getting any nutrients/water from them. There’s a part of me that wants to know that there is magic and they absorb stories or emotions or… I don’t know. I’m weird. Ignore me. Hodor has me emotional. Hodor. Like, I get it, now, why people just reply with that.
Hodor, amirite? You’re basically going to get that–and only that–as a recap from now on.*
*that is a dirty lie. The dirtiest lie I ever told.
I know Bran is paralyzed, but him lying on the snow talking to Meera was so, “Paint me like your French girls” that I laughed. Random Tree Groupie makes sure Meera knows that they won’t always stay north of the Wall and she needs to be Bran’s sword. I think we all can agree on one thing: Hodor.
Lord Butt Hurt (Ser Alliser for any newbies) tells Ser Davos and the dudes trapped inside with Jon Snow’s body that there is NO WAY ON EARTH they would do anything uncool. Like, they’re so cool, they’re frozen. Not like Undead cool, but cool like they won’t totally slaughter everyone in that room as soon as the door opens, definitely didn’t draw out a map of how to take them all out lickity split, one-two-three. Like, ha, why would they even think to do that? So like, come on out, let them burn Jon Snow’s body, and everyone dies. Shit, everyone goes free? Crap.
Things I love: Davos grabbing Jon Snow’s (Lord Mormont’s) Valyrian-steel sword and saying “I’m a bit shit at fighting, so apologies for what I’m gonna do.”
Before the Watch can break through, Wun Wun and the Wildlings freaking BREAK DOWN THE GATE to the Castle Black and Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër (Tormund) is all, “WE CAME TO CHEW GUM AND FIGHT FOR JON SNOW, and we’re all out of gum.” The Black Watch immediately… pisses their pants and pats their pockets.
Black Watch: OH YOU NEED GUM WE HAVE GUM DO YOU LIKE GUSHERS, STRAIGHT UP TRIDENT OR CINNAMON BECAUSE WE…
One Stupid Dude: [ARROWS GIANT] Ha ha! …shit.
Wun Wun: BRAIN MEET WALL [splot]
Things I need you to know about me: I shouted, laughed, and clapped my hands with utter glee. I’m gross. Carry on.
Black Watch: WE ARE ALL FIERCELY ALLERGIC TO FIGHTING AND WEAPONS SUDDENLY.
Lord Butt Hurt: [EPI PEN TO THIGH] Imma fight for my right to be a douche!
Dolorous Freaking Edd: You’re going to fight off boredom and aching joints in a CELL. Oooh, sick burn on Alliser. Also, grab that PoS kid Orly, whoever, and throw him in, too.
Wildlings: So about that free land…
Edd: Is this the moment?!
Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër: My superior hunting skills tell me Jon Snow was stabbed by a lot of people. And with everything you know about the Undead in this world, you haven’t burned him yet?? Amateurs.
Please note that my eye was constantly on that Valyrian steel sword in Davos’ hand.
UH. Cut to King’s Landing, with some regular dude doing the whole public, “Cersei Lannister is so thirsty for my dong, oh my god” thing. I loved the woman rolling her eyes (there was a guy who did, too, ahaha). He goes to piss and FrankenMountain shoves his face into the wall SPLOT. Somehow it was funnier when Wun Wun did it.
…it’s still funny. Wun Wun’s was just funnier. Very “Hulk pissed at Thor”, but with more tenderized brain matter.
When Cersei pulls a thread from her gown, then secretly tosses it aside, did anyone else get Greek myth of the Fates vibes about someone’s life coming to an end? I mean, if ever there was a “weird sister”…
Cersei is barred from Myrcella’s funeral by her own precious Tommen, and I delighted in how terrified the Kingsguard were of FrankenMountain, yet still fulfilled their oath at preventing her attendance. Those are some solid dudes right there.
We see Myrcella with her blue eye stones on her crypt, and I wonder, was it only yesterday when Weaselteat died and his mommy/daddy aunt/uncle boned next to his dead body? Sigh. Where does the time fly…
Jamie’s there with Tommen, and Daddy Uncle wants to know why Cersei isn’t allowed in. Why, the Church said she couldn’t, Tommen replies.
Are you a King or not?
Tommen: Decidedly not. [sucks thumb]
The Pope-Sept comes in and repositions himself. Jaime tells his son, er, nephew to go run along now. I FINALLY hear (book readers? This stuff wasn’t clear to show-only viewers) what the hell the stones are about, which is to open our eyes to see the next life.
Jaime, though, blasts some Kanye, bows up and starts in on, “Oh, you think you know some judgement? Let me tell you everything I’ve done wrong and everything that I want to do to you. [hand on sword] In excruciating detail.”
Bad Pope: You’d spill blood in a holy place?
Jaime: It’s like you’re purposely misremembering everything about religion ever.
Bad Pope: You can’t win, UncleDaddy. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Shifty Religious Types: [appear in menacing fashion] HE MEANT THAT IF YOU KILL HIM, WE KILL YOU. Not some Jedi shit, but like actual takeover stuff.
Jaime: I… huh. Let me revisit some strategy.
Bad Pope: You do that.
Tommen goes to his Mommy and apologizes to her, and it’s actually touching. “You raised me to be strong. And I wasn’t. But I want to be.” HAPPY MOTHER’S (almost) DAY, CERSEI. They’re numbered, so you should probably enjoy it.
Tyrion and Varys hash out their must-be-revised strategy with regards to losing an entire fleet. So it’s looking grrrreeeeat: the slavers have taken back Astapor and whatsitsplace, the dragons are starving themselves because they miss their mommy, and no sign of their mommy anywhere! Tyrion suggests they turn the dragon loose. He remembers the history, after all, and dragons want to stretch their legs, er, wings. Trogdor needs to burninate the villages to keep a smile on his face.
…you want to turn the dragons loose? DRAGONS. Just… send some dragons outside.
Tyrion is all, these dragons will not hurt you. They’re your pals! Let’s go hang out with them and prove that I know what I’m talking about.
Everyone: YEAH GO ON DOWN THERE AND SAY HELLO, HALFMAN.
Tyrion: FINE. I will. Hooooooooolyshit I am not drunk enough for this. H-hi kitty?
Dragons: HEY HI LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS. BTW, we’re being sarcastic.
Tyrion: Yeah, I picked up on that. So your mom and I are in Bunko together and she’s not going to be able to pick you up, but I said I would, and I brought juice boxes and she’ll be back super fast, promise.
(I actually love that he addresses them like intelligent creatures. Maybe even more so than their mother does? Which is maybe a mother thing, but who knows.)
He unhooks their collars, freaks the hell out as he leaves, and this is everything I could want. Tyrion reliving a sad moment as a child when he learned that dragons were gone from the world, and touching their sides and freeing them… [kisses fingers] Tyrion Lannister continues to be my fa… I DON’T LOVE HIM AT ALL. NOPE. Because when you love things their eyes get punched in, so he’s okay, I guess. Pfft. [incoherent noises]
A Girl shows up to tenderize Arya Stark until she finally gets mad enough to take a swing, but A Girl has left. Was she ever there? Jaqen stops her mid-strike and says, “If A Girl says her name, A Man will let her sleep under a roof tonight.”
Admiral Akbar: It’s a trap!
Jaqen: If a girl has a name, she can eat. If a girl has a name she can have her eyes back.
Arya: A Girl has no name. A GIRL HAS NO GEE DEE NAME. AHHH!!
Lord Karstark lets Roose Bolton know the “best hunters” his bastard boy Ramsay set on Sansa Stark are all dead. Ramsay offers, “Let’s just kill the Night’s Watch and take her?”
Roose is all, see, this is why I didn’t want to claim you. Ramsay throws out the names of the bannermen who would be loyal to them and how the numbers line up. “It’s time for new blood in the north.” This Lesser Karstark seems to be made of Ramsay-material.
Fortunately (I can’t believe I’m saying this) Roose is very level-headed. “If you behave as a mad dog, you’ll be treated as a mad dog.” Meanwhile, Lady Walder has just birthed a boy, so it seems like Ramsay isn’t really needed, huh? I’d keep my eyes on that fucker, because he’s going to murder that baby straight-away. OH SHIT NO, HE’S GOING TO MURDER HIS DAD STRAIGHT AWAY. Christ almighty, didn’t see that coming!Lord Karstark is cool with this, so… in on it? Clearly. Ramsay has a raven sent out that his dad was poisoned by enemies, RGHT MR. ONCE SUPPORTED MY DAD BUT NOW STANDS BY MY SIDE? Right. And now it’s time to kill a newborn. Damn. But then, this is Ramsay, so he’ll probably toss it to his dogs.
FAT WALDA, I LOVE YOU. Walking around immediately after birthing her first, and holy shit. She’s terrified. She did nothing to deserve this life. AH SHIT, I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE DOGS. I WAS JOKING!
(I literally write these as I watch. Oh my god.) Guys? I shouldn’t have said I love Fat Walda. This is on me. I take full blame.
“I prefer being an only child” is maybe the most ominous thing I’ve ever heard. Hooooly shit balls. Fat Walda? I love you. I love that your instinct was to curl in and protect your baby. Waah. [sad faces]
Sansa learns Arya is alive, though, so that’s nice? I’m still shaking over the whole new baby and mother thrown to the dogs. But Brienne is here with Sansa now, and they’re together, and I’m clinging to that like a baby Walda. [sob]
Pod tries to start a fire and someone needs to help him. You need to strike flint onto kindling, not the actual laid logs. COME ON, POD. GROW UP. Theon is having a “maybe I should just stay here” moment because he’s pretty sure Jon will have him killed when they show up at Castle Black. He knows he deserves it, too. He doesn’t want to be forgiven, because he doesn’t believe he can be forgiven. THEON. I’m Team Theon with this whole “found your sister and realized you’re still good somewhere deeeeeeep inside” way.
Sansa is devastated to think Theon won’t come with her. It’s a pretty touching moment of foster brother and sister, after all they’ve endured. He’s going back to the Iron Islands, but I don’t know that he’ll get a better reception there.
Speaking of, Yara continues to be awesome, and wow, I liked her and have missed her. She’s badass, tough, and stands up to her increasingly power-hungry and insane father. “So, we’re Islanders, and we’re not England of the 1700s. We’re modern-day England. We’re, like, solid with this island, here. And that’s it. And that’s okay?”
Her dad threatens to make a more obedient heir, and it’s flashing back to Roose for me. He’s out in a storm crossing a rickety bridge to one of the buildings, and some shadowy figure reveals himself to be Greyjoy’s brother. “What is dead may never die.”
Well, with Wight/White Walkers around, that’s pretty true. But Brother Greyjoy claims he IS the Drowned God, a sort of Dread Pirate Wesley. The brother, who looks a lot like Theon, tosses Lord Greyjoy right over into the sea. Well… that was easy? Oh shit, he still has Yara to contend with, though. Lord Greyjoy is buried the next day in a really cool ceremony. I appreciate all of the great mythology we’ve seen with regard to the Iron Born. For example: it’s not clear-cut that Yara will lead in her father’s place. It’s up to the council of Salty Retired Pirates.
Davos finally sees a Fire Crotch Mage about a Dead Lord Commander and asks if there is some magic? Maybe? Something? To bring Jon Snow back? He was such a good kid, after all. She’s like, ugh, I’m so tired. I’ve seen all good people turn their heads each day, so, satisfied I’m on my way…”
Davos is not okay with that, so she doubles down. “I’ve been lying? All along? There is no magic. You were right.”
Davos: YEAH, I DON’T CARE NOR DO I BELIEVE YOU. All gods are the same gods. I just want this one good kid back alive, so, help a brother out.
FCM: This is not my strong suite, but… Eh. What can it hurt?
Me: DON’T GET ME STARTED. PROBABLY HE’LL COME BACK AND EAT GHOST AND I’LL HATE THE WHOLE WORLD.
Melissandre starts cleaning the body as Davos watches. She chants some things, cuts his hair (Ahh! Hair gate from the end of last season!) and puppy Ghost lies by the fire, seemingly undisturbed. She burns his hair in the flames, and I like that Edd is there, too as she washes the remnants of his hair. Samson, strength? I don’t know. Oh snap, Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër is there, too. Her hair is reddish, her necklace strong, but nothing is happening. She continues her chanting, growing more panicked and intense as nothing happens.
She whispers, “Please.” Nothing. She’s lost her faith. Her hair is brown! Tormund storms out. Ghost naps. Davos, Davos, though, keeps vigil a bit longer until he, too, leaves. All for nothing. But! Always trust a puppy, even though half the time they wake up from their own farts. Speaking of, Ghost wakes and gets to his feet.
AND JON SNOW, WAKES.
He knows nothing… or does he?? Good lord, I want to know what Resurrection Snow remembers. OH MY GOD, picture him going down to the cells and showing himself to Lord Butt Hurt and Orly (I know that’s not his name, but he’s a little puke and from here out is Orly).
GUYS. JON. I mean, we all knew it. We did. (We worried. But.) Can I say that Tyrion freaking out and freeing the dragons was amazing?? TALK AT ME, omg.
But, as per usual, do not talk about the books. NOPE. DON’T. Do not. Don’t be that person. The show, what’s been on our TVs, that’s what we’re talking about. What did you think? Are you so happy Sansa knows her sister is alive?! I am so happy Sansa knows her sister is alive.
THE WORLD IS ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF STARK KIDS….