[Previously!] The show started with Ned Stark beheading a guy for breaking his Oath, young Jon at his side. And it ends with… Well, keep reading.
REMINDER: I am NOT a book reader. I am Unsullied and took an oath (hurr) to stay that way, AND MY WATCH HAS NOT ENDED. Every damn week I get someone who wants to laugh and explain that, ha! We’re all on the same boat now, so it’s not like I can be spoiled, right? So anyway, in Book 3…
WRONG. First off, why do you want to be that person? Why? Don’t be that person. Yes, you can still ruin things for me because not everything in the books made it to screen yet. Just stop. Stop. If you think you have some kind of tic where you just can’t help yourself when it comes to talking about the book, you literally have the rest of the internet to talk about them. This is not the place for you.
Just… it’s tiresome. Cut it out. Stop trying to prove this horse-pucky to me, because all you prove is that I won’t like you very much. I’m a nice person and I don’t deserve this. Ahahaha. Ahem. HEY LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS AMAZING SEASON SO FAR!
I continue to be enchanted by Pyke on the map, the way the catwalks move when it locks into place. <3 Also, Dothraki Crone Island!! Oho. One day I won’t sway and hum along with the opening credits, but today is not that day.
Ser Davos, watery eyes wide with disbelief and shock stares in awe as Jon Snow rises, clearly alive. HUZZAH! Ghost watches in shock, too, and I feel like his eyes glowing red means something. Just that magic is afoot? Hmm. Melisandre apparently can’t believe she had the mojo to pull it off, given her own “WHOA, THAT WORKED??” face as she stumbles in. Or maybe it’s just from that hard set of muscles on Jon Snow’s bod.
What do you remember, they ask him?
A cheer goes up. NO. Sorry, got mixed up with another child-like adult on a Big Adventure. Jon remembers Olly in particular stabbing him in the heart, and not just metaphorically. (He totally meant in the metaphorical way, let’s be real)
Jon: I shouldn’t be here. I should be There.
FCM: So… There. Was there a tunnel? Light? Family members saying they didn’t care about the whole magical immortality and the whole sucking life out of others in order to further your own agenda?
Jon: Nothing. There was nothing at all. Straight up void.
Me: Knew it. …wait, so he still LITERALLY knows nothing? Or does he know The Nothing? FALCOR, TO THE SKIES!
Eh, she doesn’t care about his whole “there’s no afterlife” stuff because she believes in the Lord of Light and in Jon being the Chosen One, so middle fingers up to the whole “nothing” thing. Davos cuts to the chase. You were dead. Now you’re not. The fuck? But eh, you are, so let’s move forward.
Davos: New plan: You clean up as much of the shit as you can.
Jon: Yeah, remember the whole “I think I’m doing the right thing” thing, and I got Caesar’d for the effort? And like, by a kid I saved?
Davos: Yeah. Let’s do it again. But maybe skip the stabbing bits this time.
They roll the stone away in the Garden, and
Jesus Jon steps forward, showing his wounds to the gathered faithful.
Gjördkr the Bær Fuçkër: Guys, he ain’t Jesus. Jesus had a sleek swimmer’s body, all muscled up and toned. This goat fucker has a micropeen. Like a god wouldn’t give themselves a bigger tool down there, pfft. Ahhh, I’m fucking with ya, ya beauty! Give us a kiss. [hugs]
Jon: Uh, I was promised a kiss? What’s this hug stuff?
Davos: I don’t mean to make it weird, but he could be Jesus. [significant stare at Jon’s bait and tackle]
Edd, however, gets the biggest hug from Jon, and awwww. That’s nice, boys. Friendship! I like that Edd checks Jon’s eyes for any sign of Wight/White/Zombie Ice Predefremen*.
(Newbies: * is Predator + Fremen. That creature in Season 1 Episode 1 stalking the woods looked like a combo of these two. The babies are the spice! The spice are the babies! Then the show told us about White Walkers/Wight Walkers/Weight Watchers back at Craster’s Keep. Now you’re all caught up!)
Oh, hey! Red Leader Porkins Samwell Gamgee Tarley spotted on a ship with Gilly, Gilly who has an iron stomach, and Sam who very decidedly does not [hooooooark]. Sam lets her know he’s dropping her off with the not-quite-official in-laws, but she’s not having that. She and Baby Sam are going with him, thanks ever so. Unfortunately, in his quest to be a Maester, she can’t go to the Citadel; women aren’t allowed. She’s all, “But you’re my baby daddy,” and he immediately throws up. Ahaha.
We have some more Warging with Bran and Harold, aka the 3ERaven. This time, it’s more Ned Stark history with the best swordsman he ever saw and a companion, who happens to be Meera’s father, oho! Howland Reed (I think)? Ned is there to collect his sister Lyanna, trapped in the Tower of Joy all Rapunzel-like by the Mad King? Mad King’s son? Help me out, folks. Unfortunately, these two guards are badass. A hell of a sword fight ensues. The swordsmanship in this scene is awesome, just magnificent. Everyone fighting at the same time, because they have learned from terrible ninja movies that you don’t stand and wait you turn. YOU FIGHT.
However, when it’s just one-on-one with Ned and the other guy, it’s a bit lackluster (see: ninja comment above), and Bran notices this, too. But… he was told that his father beat the guy? Nah, one of Ned’s half-dead backup dudes [edit: this is Reed? not clear] stabbed Sword Knight in the spine, allowing Ned to finish him. Weak.
Cool bit, Ned runs to the tower, Bran wants to follow, he calls out, “Father!” and… Ned stops and turns around. From Ned’s POV, he sees nothing, but that is amazing??? Because that tells me that Bran is actually time traveling not just “seeing.” Oh hell, yes, I am here for this time warp. 3ER/Harold immediately puts the kibosh on this interference, pulling them back into the tree roots.
“The past is already written. The ink is dry.” IS IT THOUGH??
Bran has some good points in rebuttal: maybe he wants to Warg forever. Maybe he wants to be able to walk, move, talk to his family. Maybe he doesn’t want to be trapped in the roots of a tree for all time like somebody.
Harold/3ER: Yeah, like I want to be grafted into this tree? But the universe was all, “Wait for this kid” so maaaaaybe show some respect?
Bran: [epic eye roll as only a teenager can do]
Harold/3ER: Look, this is your Dagoba, okay? Except I’m not going to let you float your ship out of the swamp prematurely, endangering your friends with carbonite prisons.
Bran: I don’t even know what that means.
Harold/3ER: Kids these days…
Finally we make it to Crone Island! Khaleesi is led to her final resting place, a giant longhouse where former Khaleesis bar the men from going any further and play Mean Girl games until they die from it. Um, I was hoping this would be more Golden Girls with shenanigans and funny stories and not beat downs and Heather-esque popularity contests?
Dany’s stripped of everything (including her necklace) and instructed to dress in a sack of brown sadness. The women there want her to know they get it, it sucks. Young widow, still kinda hot, but she went out into the world instead of immediately showing up covered in ashes and sack-cloth, ready to stop being a contributing part of society, so. Maybe she’ll get to stay. Maybe they’ll toss her out. Maybe they’ll feed her to the horses or whatever. Who’s to say?
There better be a Trogdor burninating that thatched-roof cottage in the near future, that’s all I’m saying.
One thing I’m super excited about is the moment with Varys slipping back into Uncle Fester, bringing some connected lady from the town, Vala, into private talks in order to get the whispers on the street. I missed this slippery weasel. (My guess is he isn’t really interested too much in her, but in her son. Oho.)
As he gets the skinny, Grey Worm, Missandei and Tyrion have an uncomfortable cocktail party, in that only Tyrion is interested in cocktails. Or partying. Tyrion’s wit is wasted on this group and it’s actually funny watching him as they say, “We don’t drink.”
Fortunately Varys returns with knowledge of who’s funding the rebellion. Masters of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor are behind it, and they can engage in a game of whack-a-mole or do something more drastic and underhanded.
Guess what Varys goes for?
Cut to Creepy King’s Landing Maester Qyburn tending to some small children’s ouchies, and these are Varys’ little birds in training. NOPE, THAT ISN’T CREEPY. (God, I love it. So disturbing and perfect.) FrankenGregor clomps downstairs and terrifies the children, who flutter off in search of fruitful crumbs out on the street. Cersei indicates that she needs migrating flocks in all the major cities reporting on who else is laughing at the shit-covered shame queen. (New band name, I call it.) Qyburn is happy to help, it seems.
Maester Cat Piss bitches and moans to Lady Olenna about abominations, incestuous former queens and such and such, just as FrankenGregor clomps in behind his queen and her brother lover.
Uh, Cat Piss? You might want to shut it. Actually, no, keep it up. It’ll be funny to see Gregor punch your last two teeth out, I think. Cat Piss LITERALLY farts when he realizes Gregor and Cersei are there in the room, and I just cannot with this show, oh my GOD.
Lady Olenna throws some nice “funny how your family tree is more of a branch that is grafted back on itself” shade, as Jamie asserts his position on the small council. Then there’s the whole thing about Myrcella, a royal, being murdered and not a damn thing is being done about it. Kevan Lannister? Thoughts?
Like a flock of chickens, they scurry out without answering a question. Cersei? Should have planted FrankenMountain at the exit.
King Tommen shows that his stones dropped by marching in and demanding answers of Cult Pope. Cult Pope, however, plays the kindly grandfather whose hands are tied.
Cult Pope: Ouchie, these old man knees, ha, I’m so harmless. Son, I can’t just let Cersei do things, because, aw shucks, the gods just don’t want that. Have a hard candy? Now, let’s bring out all the good in each other, hmm?
Tommen: [smiles] That’s nice! You seem nice! This is all very nice. I love Turkish Delight.
Cult Pope: Isn’t it lovely? Of course, by bringing out the good I mean to do that by shaming, beating, and possibly, ha, okay, definitely killing others.
Cult Pope: What? Um. Hard candy? That’s a good lad. [hair ruffles]
Arya, I mean, A Girl stands in a chamber within the House of Black And White randomly getting her ass handed to her as A Girl (the shitty one) beats the hell out of her. What warrants a stick across the cheek? Things like when Arya mentions having four brothers. Because ha, apparently she’s not allowed to claim Jon as a full brother. [cries and also notes that SPOILER ALERT, I know I know, because that could be something else entirely jotting down R + L = J in my journal because you book people spoiled me on that a season ago and I’m still mad about it]
The training montage is brutal, but A Girl has skills. Damn.
Jaqen gives her water to drink from the well of death. But, if she is No One, it won’t kill her. So. She drinks. Aaaaaaand gets her sight back. There it is, then. Arya is No One. Nice.
Umber is there to see a man about some murder and mayhem, and he’s got Ramsay’s number about the whole “My poor beloved father was poisoned” horseshit. Ramsay’s looking a little unhinged, to be honest, and that’s saying something. He clearly is letting this whole “Warden of the North” thing get to him, and he is what King Weaselteat could have morphed into, isn’t he? But what the hell, Umber, what are you even doing here, bro? Well, he’s heard about the Wildlings coming through Castle Black, and it’s courtesy of Jon Snow. Back scratching time, yes?
Umber: No I fucking won’t scratch your back. Won’t kneel, kiss, pledge, any of that shit. But what I will do is give you a gift.
Me: THAT BETTER NOT BE SANSA STARK.
Umber: Pfft. Please. It’s Tonks [revealio!] and a young boy [dehoode!d]
Me: [spits my wine back into my glass] RICKON NOOOOOOOOO
Ramsay: Hmm. Prove that’s a Stark.
Umber: Would this abnormally large wolf head on an ice hook convince you?
Me: I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU ASSHOLES THAT THOSE ARE FUCKING ENDANGERED SPECIES AND I AM SAD ABOUT THIS, oh Shaggydog, noooooo.
Must we be so cavalier with the endangered species?? Oh, poor puppy. Why the hell did this show give me a puppy, a litter of them, make me think they’re special and unique, forget about them, and then bring me their dead heads?? PUPPIES ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD, that’s what.
Sigh. Back up at the wall, it’s time for a reckoning. Well, a hanging. Four of them, all the Brutuseseses from the Senate floor.
Jon: Any last words?
Lord Butt Hurt: I still think you’re a dick. And I’d kill you all over again, given the opportunity.
Jon: Good talk.
Lord Butt Hurt: Hey, seriously though. Jon?
Lord Butt Hurt: [Farts]
Jon: Can we get FCM to bring him back so I can hang him twice?
Olly: [lip wobbling a bit] I fucked up. I fucked up.
Jon: Yeah. Yeah, you did. This is for my lady love. [cuts the release, but he’s not happy about it]
That was some cold shit, man. Blood for blood. Olly’s dead; his blue face is pretty hard to look at. Jon thinks so, too. Lord Butt Hurt, though… He had it coming. THEN. THEN Jon hands Castle Black to Edd and says:
WHAT. What? W-hat is happening? Is he going to Kwai Chang Caine across the desert righting wrongs? I mean, I’m all for some Kung-Fu-type soul searching, but… Winter is Coming!? JON SNOW, DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I guess this is because he died, and that’s when your watch ends officially, so now he can go Handle Some Business. Which I’m all for. But still. AHHH! I am excite, you guys.
Oh my god, I just thought of something. (I’m slow, I know.) What if Arya, A Girl, learns of who in her family is now dead via the Hall of Faces? It’s not really clear how it works down there—do they have to die IN the House of Black and White for their faces to be there? Or do they just need to be known? Hmm. But she sees Jon, dead, and… AHHHH!
I am really going to need some Starks to see each other alive and SON OF A ALLISER (aka bitch) SANSA IS ON HER WAY TO SEE JON, WHO. JUST. LEFT.
I’m loving this season, y’all. LOVING IT. Click here for the next episode!
[Note: please please PLEASE do not talk about spoilers in the comments. Theories are fine, say that’s what you’re doing, though. PLEASE be cool about this.]