Game of Thrones 6.8 – No One

Game of Thrones balogna

[Previously!]

WE ARE JUMPING RIGHT INTO THINGS.

We open with the Cersei PR Campaign play series, and man, did she get good feedback on her market research for how best to write these performances, huh? Not a dry eye in the house when fake King Weaselteat kicks it in Mummy’s arms. When Lady Crane exits to backstage, she finds a bleeding Arya (!!!), takes her home and patches her up, just like she’d patched up all her rotten boyfriends (that was… weird. That was a random bit of info, but maybe it was to keep Arya distracted).

We do learn that Bianca, the actress who hired an assassin (Arya, originally), got the ol’ razzle dazzle treatment, and now has a face for radio. Arya decides she’s going to leave town and see what’s west of Westeros. Before that, she gets a taste of the poppy in order to sleep. I’d… I’d be grabbing at people’s faces all the time to see if they came off, wouldn’t you?

We cut to some dudes in the woods playing a game of “No Homo” (aka, kissing practice and fingers up the bum, but you know, so “we can learn to do it proper-like for the ladies,” and fellas, sorry, but that’s gay. And it’s okay to be gay! The pretending it isn’t gay isn’t okay).

OH HEY NO BIG DEAL, because here come SANDOR and his ax and he baaaasically walks up on these douchebros and takes off all their heads. He’s the ultimate one-swing, one-kill, Expert-Level Melee, and these guys didn’t even have the chance to piss themselves in fear, it all happens so quickly. Well, No Homo gets an ax right up the balls, his guts fall out, then Sandor cuts right down through the top of his head when the guy can’t come up with better “last words” than See You Next Tuesday. It’s pretty amazing.

In Meereen, street-corner preachers are praising Daenerys at Tyrion’s behest, and it will be interesting to see if this Lannister sibling is better at handling fanatical religious-types.

Tyrion Lannister Meereen Varys

Tyrion: UGH you’re my best friend and I’m going to miss you and if you SAY ANYTHING I’ll dick punch… Ha. Sorry.

Tyrion: We need our queen back.
Varys: She’ll come back. She has to. I’ve had my heart broken too many times already.
Me: ME AF, VARYS.
Varys: Anyway, quit standing so close or you’ll give away that I’m sneaking off on our Secret Mission.
Tyrion: Fine, smelly. Oh. I made us matching friendship bracelets so when you’re gone, you remember I’m your BFF.
Varys: Ugh. It’s hideous. [wears it until his dying day]

In King’s Landing, some of the Faith Militant have been allowed into the castle, and Cersei’s sure her son has a hand in this. Well, at least he’s alive, huh, Cersei? She goes to speak with the creepers only to have a smirking Cousin Lancel demand she comes with them, Cult Pope’s orders.

FrankenMountain: LOOMS MENACINGLY, the equivalent of an engine rev.
Lancel: Compelling argument. But Cersei? Is this how it’s going to go?
Cersei: PRETTY MUCH. I’m hella excited to see this baby redline it on your turncoat ass, tbh.
Lancellette: Big nasty brute! I’ll give you such a pinch! [slaps at FrankenMountain with his pokey stick thingy]
FrankenMountain: [removes his spine by way of skull displacement]
Cersei: Why, this creature is systomatic [hip thrust] Hydromatic [hip thrust] Ultramatic! Why, he’s FrankenMountain! Go! Go! Go! Go-go-go- Seriously, Lancel. GO. Oh, and let Cult Pope know he’s always welcome for tea. [smiles]

A fresh stream of fear-piss running down his leg, Lancel and the Lancelettes head back to the Sept.

Mountain Clegane Cersei Lannister

“If you didn’t smell of death and corrosion I’d kiss you, you giant beauty of a perfect security measure, you.”

In the BEST NEWS EVER, Pod and Brienne arrive at RiverRun to find the coordinated tents of the Lannisters in-seige’d. Brienne sends the welcoming party off to inform Jaime of her presence when Bronn sneaks up on Pod and gets the drop on him. Guys? Remember the good times of Tyrion, Bronn and Pod? Good times, man. Good times.

In the most “I don’t think you’ve understood a damn thing about Jaime Lannister” head spinning conversation ever, Bronn assumes Jaime would fuck Brienne. REALLY? Really. …Really, Bronn? REALLY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT??

WAIT, NO, THINGS GO FROM AMAZING TO EVERYTHING IS COMING UP MILHOUSE.

Pod’s offered the chance to learn how to dirty fight from Bronn, which means Bronn basically beats the shit out of him and it’s hilarious.

Jaime’s proud of all Brienne’s accomplishments (aww!), and while she’s noble and honorable, she’s continually forced to acknowledge that Lannisters are basically polished up turds and not the pure gold lions she wishes Jaime was. She comes up with a plan: she’ll convince the Blackfish to give up the castle and join her, Jaime can say he won, and then Winterfell has their army. He gives his word. She tries to hand his sword back because she got Sansa; mission accomplished.

Jaime Lannister Brienne Tarth

LOOK AT THIS CHARMING MOFO WITH HEART EYES FOR BRIENNE. No, seriously. I don’t think he’s in LOVE with her–I’ve been paying attention, after all and he keeps SAYING who he loves and acting on it–but in another life, he could love Brienne. He could. He loves her now. Just not like a sister, ahahaha.

“It’s yours. It will always be yours,” he says, his heart aching with admiration for this most noble of knights, his friend, Brienne of Tarth. GREATEST ROMANCE OF ALL TIME. (haha. No, but seriously.)

Brienne makes a compelling argument, but unfortunately, Blackfish is there to defend his home, not anyone else’s. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Bro, could you big picture some things here? No? Crap.

Back in King’s Landing, Tommen has a Royal Announcement, and they’re all treating Cersei like a dirty-rotten-brother-fucker. Tommen speaks to the gathered crowd. “I’m moving up the whole court thing for Mumsie and Loras, and I’m outlawing Trial By Combat, because it’s pretty clear Mumsie’s got a ringer.”

Cersei Lannister Kings Landing

You have to admire her tenacity in trying over and over again to avoid taking the shame.

Tommen? Take a knee. I think this whole going against your family and your wife’s brother is going to bite you in the ass. Better get your Ser Pounce snuggles in while you can. Also, we get the massive tease from Qyburn that his Little Birdies returned to their Fagin with some serious intel.

WHAT IS IT, OMG.

Tyrion pours wine out for Missandei and Grey Worm (who don’t drink) and shames them into drinking a toast to Dany. Tyrion is the ultimate, “It’s not a drinking problem if I’m not drinking alone” guy. Basically Tyrion is missing his BFF (who is somewhere secret, holding his friendship bracelet and singing under his breath, “Near… Far… Wherever you are…”).

Tyrion tells a joke that ends with the Stark character saying, “But you screw one goat…” and when no one laughs, tugs his neckline and drains his glass. “Tough crowd.”

Oh, they don’t know what jokes are. You know what makes jokes hilarious? Explaining them*.

* FALSE.

Missandei tells a joke and it’s like when my son asks me if I know about corduroy pillows making headlines (also, my son is 20. Yes, it gives me shame. SON, YOU HAVE A FAMILY LEGACY TO UPHOLD!). Not even Grey Worm can fake a laugh at that one. He does make Missandei laugh, and Grey Worm falls even more in love, BUT THEN A BELL RINGS IN DOOM BECAUSE SHIT IS HAPPENING.

Oho, ships are coming into the bay! Whose ships?? The Masters? It appears so. Yikes. Great time for Yara to roll up on a city, ja feel?

Jaime goes to parlay with Edmure Tully who speaks! But it’s maybe not what Jaime wants to hear.

Edmure: So I’m like alternate captain, and that’s all I’ll ever be. You wear the C, the chicks dig you, the teachers look the other way, but you and I both know you’re a shit person. Oh, you have your skill…
Jaime: [feels his missing hand tingle]
Edmure: …but you’re a shit person. Some might say evil. I’m that some. How do you look in the mirror? Glances? Only focus on your chin or nose?
Jaime: I get it. I’m just a bit faster, a bit better, a lot more handsome, and you hate me. And I don’t care about your feelings or thoughts. But I liked your sister. Not like I love my sister, but you feel me. I’ll do whatever it takes to get back to Cersei. I will kill your whole family to get back to her. So! Good talk. Think on it. Good night!

Edmure Tully approaches the drawbridge to RiverRun, but Blackfish won’t let him in. Clearly it’s a Trojan horse, but the men are dummies. And Blackfish is outnumbered. What a mess. Honor is clearly a disease in this world, you guys. (Cries) Edmure enters and goes straight to the general to say they need to lay down their arms. GOOD JOB, GUYS. A+ WARMONGERING.

 

Blackfish Edmure Tully RiverRun

GIANT TROMBONE NOISE

The Lannisters and Frey enter without a single shot fired (so to speak). Edmure orders Blackfish put in chains and handed to the Freys. TURNCOAT ASSHOLE. My hope was that Jaime would allow Blackfish and his loyal men to leave with Brienne at the helm, but that’s because I’m a wide-eyed Summer Child.

I KNOW. I ARE A DUM.

WAIT. Oh snap, Brienne has the Blackfish and tries to convince him to follow her but he’s ready to die in his home and THAT IS SELFISH SIR. HELP YOUR FAMILY. Ugh. He dies fighting, we hear. GOD DAMN. WHAT A WASTE. Both the actor, the story and the lack of assistance. DISLIKE.

Jaime, however, sees Pod and Brienne’s escape and does nothing but wave her off. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. ALL MY CRIES.

In Meereen, the Masters attack the city. Grey Worm tells Tyrion to shut up and let him lead. They’ll load up the pyramid and let the Masters fight them there. Well, that’s going to happen sooner rather than later, it seems, as something hits the pyramid with force.

AND IT IS OUR KHALEESI. THANKS, DROGON FOR THE RIDE. (They couldn’t get Drogon to burninate the ships? Or do we just not see that? I’m… feeling lackluster about  Dany, but it’s because there’s so much story being told and she was there for five seconds, if that.)

In an episode filled with badassery, we get Sandor coming up on the Brotherhood (Beric Dondarrion!) about to hang the murdering assholes who laid waste to Sandor’s Bible Study group. They allow Sandor two deaths, he makes them as slow as a hanging can get and takes their good boots. If you don’t appreciate Sandor Clegane, you’re living life incorrectly.

Sandor Clegane Beric Dondarrion

THOSE WERE MY ROASTED CHICKENS!

After, Sandor lays some knowledge on them. “People like to say we’re fighting for something bigger than ourselves, but that’s a good marketing tool. Meanwhile, I just want to eat chicken, fuck, fight, and sleep comfortably. Not everyone wants to be a part of something bigger, and not everyone should.”

He’s not wrong.

But Beric reminds him that if the Everyman doesn’t pitch in, none of that little shit matters.

He’s not wrong, either.

Arya Stark No One

I want to kick her knee out. Good job, actress, I hate you. (Your character. I’m sure you’re lovely.)

So. Arya. Lady Crane is murdered by the Waif in disguise, a harrowing chase scene happens through Braavos that I can barely deal with because I’m now basically bald from tearing out my hair, until Arya gets cornered in a room with Needle and the Waif. “That won’t help you,” the Waif says as Arya stands and holds her sword.

Arya cuts the candle out, and we cut to black, and I basically gave birth to my own death and am a walking shadow before you because NO NO NO WHAT HAPPENS WHAT!??!

A Man wanders the hall of the House of Black and White, that’s what. He spies blood on the floor, follows it to the Hall of Faces and sees a bloody Waif’s face jammed up there. Arya stands behind him, Needle drawn.

Arya: Remember when I saved your life?
A Man: Remember when I saved yours? Finally, a girl is No One.
Arya: No. I’m Arya Stark from Winterfell. And I’m going home.
A Man: [pounds fist] Respect.
Me: THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED FOR YOU CHILD, I AM BEYOND HAPPY.

GUYS SHE DID IT. (It’s a little much. It’s a little much.) I mean, okay, she was trained, she danced, SHE DANCED and A WAIF DIED and ARYA IS GOING HOME. She is going to find JON and get HUGS and maybe find her PUPPY.

I AM VERY EMOTIONAL.

NEXT WEEK: Holy shit, Boltons V. Starks and I need Ramsay to be captured and tortured for like, nineteen years. This episode will be epic. EPIC. THEY HAVE GIANTS. Ramsay has more numbers. GAH. I’m going to freak out, be forewarned.

Also, I am going to be performing manual labor in triple digits all day, so bear with me until I can get back to comments. BE NICE. NO SPOILERS. NO BOOK TALK. You guys know I’m Unsullied, so any new folks who show up, BE COOL. <3

Click here for the next ep, THE BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS

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  • chortles81

    Re: Blackfish selfishness: sure, he might have believed that he didn’t have enough men left even before the surrender of Riverrun to substantively add to Sansa’s odds — and afterward, that the stain of the surrender (though not his fault) would only lower morale wherever he went — but dammit I have to imagine that even by himself he was one more military mind that could have partook in gameplanning the battle in the north… and I imagine Brienne thought so too.

    Also, others felt cheated by the cut to black by Arya and then to the Hall of Faces, but I was pleasantly satisfied with that choice for applying less-is-more.

    • I think my quibble (and it’s a small one–ultimately I got what I wanted) with the cut to black is that we’ve been shown time and again that Arya couldn’t best the Waif. Not blind, not healthy, so it’s a bit far-fetched. BUT I WILL TAKE IT. I assume the Waif never had to “be blind” like Arya did, so that was the odds in our girl’s favor.

      • chortles81

        Pretty much my thinking, Arya had ONE edge but it was enough.

        Also, DAE think that Jaime threatened Edmure into surrendering Riverrun specifically so that Brienne wouldn’t be honor-bound to stay and fight Jaime? That’s the thing about Jaime’s behavior in this episode…

        • ars_belli

          Good point to get out of one of the Arya plot-holes.

          I suspect it’s not that complicated with Jaime and Brienne. Certainly they won’t fight each other unless they have to–but Jaime doesn’t doesn’t have enough men for a fight in the first place.

          • chortles81

            Ehhh, it was presumably both enough men to keep the Tullys from breaking out (though the Freys may have already had enough for that, howeverly badly administered) for the two years that the Blackfish had previously claimed necessary to starve the Tullys out, so possibly enough to storm the castle… just not without horrific losses?

  • Lyanna Mormont

    Strange episode. Weak on plot, especially in some storylines, but strong on character moments.

    First of all – Tyrion, quit it with the peer pressure, that’s so not cool. Missandei gets tipsy REALLY fast (and then sobers up just as fast when the Masters arrive). Grey Worm’s face when he makes Missandei laugh with his joke about not knowing any jokes is perfect.

    But talk about disjointed scenes. Hey, Varys is suddenly leaving, even though that possibility has never been mentioned before! There’s suddenly a fleet outside Meereen, and nobody knew it was coming until it attacked! Suddenly, Dany flies in! and then… nothing. Okay, so it’ll be a big battle in episode nine or ten, but in this episode, we just jumped from one plot point to the next with absolutely no cohesion.

    Second – oh, Cersei. I knew being that smug about the Mountain!ace up your sleeve was going to backfire. It’s not like the rest of the world couldn’t recognize your plan from a mile away, and plan accordingly. NOW what are you going to do? (I’m getting a little worried about how often someone says she’d “burn a city to the ground” for her children. Especially given those visions Bran had of wildfire, and the fact that we know from Blackwater and Jaime’s past with the Mad King that there’s a lot of it lying around somewhere in KL.)

    Third Lannister sibling – hi, Jaime! Lots of characterization for you here, hmmm? He’s not a good guy, in case we’d forgotten, for all that he has that shining armor. I mean, you could argue that he saved a lot of lives by getting Edmure to order the surrender of Riverrun, but that’s what Tywin said about the Red Wedding. Threatening babies isn’t the action of a “good” man, and Jaime knows it.

    But there’s his interactions with Brienne, showing the other side to him. He doesn’t go looking for excuses to slaughter people, he’ll just do it if they get between him and what he wants. He doesn’t care whether Sansa retakes Winterfell, he just wants to go home to Cersei. And that sword – that’s the symbol of his honor, or his longing to be honorable. That’s the last remaining bit of the young boy who dreamed of being the perfect knight. Everything else about him belongs to Cersei, but this little bit – that’s Brienne’s, it’ll always be Brienne’s, because she’s everything Jaime once wanted to be but knows he never will be.

    Aw, Bronn and Pod find a moment together in the midst of an army. Also, Bronn speaks directly to/for all Jaime/Brienne shippers.

    It’s nice to know that it wasn’t the whole BWB that had gone dark, just a rogue element of it. But Sandor as a potential member of that band is not something I ever expected to see… And another line specifically for the audience – “I’d prefer chicken” – while Sandor gets a repetition of “you can do good in this world” like the late ecumenical septon told him.

    So that was Arya, and she did get stabbed, but somehow it doesn’t seem to be as bad as multiple gut wounds might be expected to be. A bandage, some milk of the poppy, some rest, and she’s suddenly well enough to run wildly through the streets of Braavos. At least until she falls down those stairs and reopens her wounds. But despite those wounds, she defeats the Waif. Plot holes galore here, some of them carried over from last episode. But Arya’s leaving Braavos, heading for home, so there’s that.

    That actress, Lady Crane, really reminded me of Catelyn in this episode, especially when she was tending to Arya. I wonder if that’s part of why Arya was so drawn to her. (And Catelyn, too, knew how to use a knife on her enemies – remember the guy who tried to kill Bran when he was in his coma?) But maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me because there have been so many mentions of her lately. I guess that’s to be expected, when they’ve brought back a bunch of characters who haven’t been seen since around the time Catelyn was killed.

    I’m a fan of those character moments, so I found plenty to like about this episode, but it was IMO the weakest of the season. Now there are only two left, the infamous ninth and the finale, and we’re due at least three big conflicts – the North, Meereen, and King’s Landing.

    • Anthony Gitto

      I definitely felt like Lady Crane represented Catelyn as well. I also agree with you that this episode was pretty weak in comparison with the rest of the season.

      • Lyanna Mormont

        And there Arya was, dreaming about going off to explore the parts of the world that nobody else has ever seen. “What’s west of Westeros?” It was such a child-like thing to say, for a character that hasn’t been able to be a child in a very long time. It was like something about being taken care of like that let her bring out that side of herself again.

        And then, of course, Lady Crane gets killed too. Because everyone Arya lets herself care about dies.

        • Yes, yes, yes, Arya having a pure moment of childish wonder was EXCELLENT.

    • Lisa

      Grey worms face when he made Messendei laugh was perfect. Feels! I got them.

    • > Everything else about him belongs to Cersei, but this little bit – that’s Brienne’s, it’ll always be Brienne’s, because she’s everything Jaime once wanted to be but knows he never will be.

      Masterful writing, I like your take!

      I agree, this episode was weak and the writers are getting lazy. I hope it’s a one-off.
      Right now I feel like everyone is a hot mess, and there’s nothing good left in the world. Maybe that’s the kettle boiling…

    • Oh, I didn’t find it weak on plot at all. A lot happened, narratives moved ahead, but to each his own. I will say that because a lot happened, like you, I felt some of it was disjointed, mostly with Dany flying in and then… that was that. I know they can only put so much in an episode, but that did feel jarring.

    • Deceptively Calm Scientist

      Yeah, I wasn’t impressed with the Arya thing either. When someone TWISTS a knife in your gut it’ll take more than some embroidery and a good night’s sleep to stop you from dying. But suspension of disbelief required…and the payoff of that whole thread was there at least.

    • Deceptively Calm Scientist

      On an unrelated note, are Missandei and Grey Worm the cutest or what?

      • THE CUTEST IN ALL THE LAND.

      • Lyanna Mormont

        THE cutest!

  • debijl

    I think Cersei’s storyline comes to an end this season. Where does she go from here?( I reckon all of Kings Landing is done by season end) Hope that Jamie still has a place, tho. I do kind of ship him and Brienne , with Tormund as her ‘bit of rough”.
    No way do they bring Thoros and Beric back without a storyline, and it looks like they are heading north. Maybe Arya will travel with them again. All Arya’s companions are resurfacing. What about Gendry!!!!!!!!!! I’m still pulling for those 2 crazy kids. Also, bring back Nymeria!

    • I don’t know if Cersei’s story ends this season–there’s a lot that can happen. Then again, people thought that with Jon, with Sansa, with Arya…

      I TOO AM HOPING FOR A GENDRY SIGHTING. HOW ABOUT IT, SCIENCE?!

      • Deceptively Calm Scientist

        I wonder if Cersei is enough of a narcissist to say “If I’m going down, I’m going down in FLAMES”…

        • Lyanna Mormont

          Just like Jesse James!

          (Burn them all!)

          • Deceptively Calm Scientist

            I was thinking of an old Bette Midler joke, about her boyfriend, the Ace pilot Ernie. Who, after a long absence, returned and on their first night together, poured brandy over hr privates and set it on fire. “When Ernie goes down, Ernie goes down in FLAMES!”

        • chortles81

          Coincidentally, that was the Mad King’s idea too… albeit with belief that he would be reborn as a dragon.

      • Original-S

        The Nerdist did a whole thing where they asked the cast and crew about Gendry at the premiere of season 6. It was hilarious :) Not very hopeful tho.:/

        http://nerdist.com/game-of-thrones-cast-jon-snow-gendry-season-6/

        • Oh, I’m too much of a spoiler-phobe to click the link, so I’ll leave it to others to check that out. :)

      • Lanie

        Sammy (yes I’m going to call him that. got a problem?) is heading to the Citadel with Daddy Dickhead’s Valyrian steel sword. Brilliant Sammy is going to figure out how exactly Valyrian steel kills WW, and is going to need someone to make them. Who better to make them than our favorite smith Gendry, who (I hope) is happily hiding away in Oldtown?

        • Lyanna Mormont

          What I’m wondering is, with only two seasons left, how will there be time for Sam to learn everything he needs to know, put it into practice, AND make his way up north where it will be needed?

          Unless… the White Walkers make it past the Wall somehow, and meet him halfway…

          (Can you imagine that as a season finale? The Wall cracks, breaks, and comes tumbling down?)

          • ars_belli

            I’m not sure you can make Valyrian steel anymore, S4E1 made that pretty clear. Then again, maybe with dragons that’s possible?

            That wall is definitely coming down, looking forward to it! Next season perhaps?

            • Lyanna Mormont

              Oh yeah. You don’t start a series with a gigantic Wall of ice as the only thing keeping humanity safe from a race of monstrous ice zombies, and NOT bring that Wall down at some point.

              Chekhov’s Wall.

            • Lanie

              I choose to believe that Sammy will figure out a way. In a show that can bring people back from the dead anything has got to be possible.

          • Lanie

            With as fast as some plots have been moving I think there’s plenty of time.

            Yes, yes, yes!! That would be an amazing finale, and I do think it will happen.

  • magnusk_98

    I think what Qyburn found was large caches of Wildfire. He’d probably rename it Wyldfyre, because they are all about the “y” in Westeros. I also see Cersei going out in a blaze of glory, probably taking her Tommy with her. Then Jaime will be free to fight Gjördkr for Brienne’s heart. :p

    I am also happy that Arya is going home. I hope that gets her a meatier storyline than in the last two seasons.

    I suppose they are not letting Drogon burn the slaver fleet because then they can dramatically have Yara capture those ships for her Khaleesi. ^^

    • I think it’s wildfire, too!!! And ha, my thought was “No dragon burnination so that Yara can woo Dany.” HERE FOR IT.

    • I had absolutely no idea what Qyburn was hinting at in that scene but this makes all kinds of sense. I basically completely forgot about the wildfire so it hadn’t even occurred to me. We’ll see what happens.

      Also I have seen that baloney meme a few times now and it makes me laugh every time. :)

  • Anthony Gitto

    My biggest annoyance was hearing about the Honeycomb and the Jackass again with no payoff! I mean, COME ON!

    The best speculation I have heard on what the joke so far is “The barman says “You can’t bring that Jackass in here!” and the Donkey says, “Relax, he just wants to eat his honeycomb in peace.” Credit u/Creabhain on reddit

  • Lisa

    I’m thinking — wildfire. I think(?) way back when Tyrion was fighting the Stannis invasion he was shown a huge cache of wildfire beneath the city. The one Jaime said the Mad King spoke of. And Cersei has made the I’ll burn the whole place down’ bravado several times now. So I’m thinking she’d be willing to blow up Bad Pope. Don’t know this. It’s just a guess. No spoilers, because this is all blind guessing.

    • Right there with you, Lisa!!

    • ars_belli

      Didn’t they use that cache already in “Blackwater”? Or was the one Tyrion saw Cersei’s stock and the Mad king had yet more lurking around.
      I wonder how Qyburn found it. Maybe someone mistook a jar for wine? *shudders*

      Cersei will certainly try to blow up Cult Pope. I have a horrible feeling that we’ll get a narrative-irony-in-the-extreme repeat of Mad King v. Tywin, except that it will now be Cersei v. Jaime and Tommen will die in place of Elia’s children…

      • Lyanna Mormont

        They used some of it, but I doubt it was all. Remember those long rows of jars? That’s a lot of wildfire. Also, Tyrion told the pyromancers to make more – “You’ll no longer be making this for the Queen. You’ll be making it for ME.” And it wouldn’t surprise me if they’d continued to do so…

  • This episode felt weak to me, but what really annoyed me was the lack of realism. I’m trying to maintain a suspension of disbelief here, people.

    Arya: This was the most unrealistic screw up of the series, as far as I’m concerned. Arya had a dagger shoved into her guts twice, once twisted, plus a slash across the belly. That means, BEST case scenario, 2 months in bed, in severe pain, and just trying to walk rips open everything that was healing and sends you to the floor clutching your gut. Lying in bed, there should be winces at the slightest motion. She showed nothing. Nothing! And THEN, RUNNING at full speed 1) even being possible, and 2) showing no pain, was just so far beyond anything remotely reasonable. This is a level of head-up-ass beyond anything the writers have done so far, are they starting to phone it in?
    So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to believe Arya had armor on and the blood was from some concealed animal guts. That’s what happened, I won’t let the show ruin it for me. I’m sure this was handled better in the books (if it even happened).

    More lack of realism: Tyrion walking the city with no guards, seriously? FrankenGregor not drawing his sword, allowing his armor to be damaged? Well he is a monster now but this feels like the show Vin Dieseling to me – overacting tough, oiling its muscles. Teenager-level drama.

    > Bronn assumes Jaime would fuck Brienne. REALLY?

    Yeah and I would like to blame this on the character, but I have to put this on the writers. Whoever wrote that doesn’t have a clue about these characters. I’m SURE it wasn’t GRRM, this feels like the folksy fan service the TV writers like to inject.

    The Blackfish: this was the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen on this show. I thought the Blackfish was going to be some kind of hero. :(
    No one can be a hero because no one is any good, and if they are any good, leverage will be placed on them so they do evil things. This is so America. Sad trombone indeed.

    > “Finally, a girl is No One.”

    Ok, does anybody know what this means any more? I am so lost.

    The future (all speculation):
    Dany looks PISSED. Who will she take it out on? Maybe Tyrion, he was supposed to be Mr. Smarty Pants, and look what he let happen to her city.
    There is no way Cersei is not completely screwed. I’m really fearing for her life right now. She just doesn’t know the meaning of restraint.
    I think we are going to see some main character deaths very soon. The way it was left, I wouldn’t be surprised to see all 3 Lannisters swinging in the wind before the season is over.
    Marjorie will get her way, and find out her life goals weren’t the greatest after all.
    There’s no way Sam isn’t in deep trouble after stealing daddy’s sword. Never touch daddy’s sword.
    Yara will probably sweep in and save the day for Meereen. I mean, obv.
    Sansa & Jon: It would take a miracle, on the level of the writers stabbing someone in the guts then pretending it never happened. So something might happen to save them, but I probably won’t be happy about it because it won’t make any sense. Seriously, the wildlings have a tiny army and no seige training, all they have is (1?) giant. Ned Stark used to say 50 men could hold Winterhell against 10,000, and that was left handed.

    Other notes:
    Laura a link to next episode a couple posts ago had the wrong link, and I couldn’t find any way to email you.
    I noticed a few times people said they wrote long posts and lost them – browsers don’t respect your data. I recommend writing in notepad then cut & paste – whenever I write something long I always at least try to ctrl+a ctrl+c before clicking post, so it’s in the clipboard JIC.

    • Lisa

      Whether Dany is pissed would have to be whether she knows about Tyrion’s negotiations. She can’t really cut up much that Mereen is a hot mess in her absence when it was a hot mess when she flew off. Hot mess then. Hot mess now. But look! More ships for Yara to swarm!

    • I agree that the Arya storyline was… rushed to the point of me going, UM. THAT ISN’T POSSIBLE. But then dragons, magic, etc., but yeah. Her story is rooted in realism. EXCEPT FOR NOW, I GUESS?? But she’s alive, her story will get exciting once more, (one hopes) and I’m excited for that.

      And I was sad about the Blackfish, too. What a waste.

      I’ll go check my links — you can always leave a comment or hit any of my social media spots, btw!

    • OK I thought about it, and I think I understand the Arya story now. She basically got most of the benefits of faceless man training, without having to be one of them. It’s a great story, but the way it was told left a lot to be desired. For one thing, they left unanswered questions! Bad writers! A big one is, why did Arya not die when she drank the death water? And why did Jaquegesundheit let her live / why did she let him live? I can guess but I’d like a hint, show. This was a big arc and the end deserves more clarity. So I can get my. Satisfaction.

  • Andy Street

    The episode was oddly paced – especially in Mereen. It’s like they have been spinning their wheels for three seasons and have now suddenly realised they need to cram a huge amount of plot in a handful of episodes. But they still also want to spend most of that time exploring character beats with Missandai and Grey Worm. Tyrion really screwed up in his attempting to negotiate with the Masters – I hope Dany doesn’t hold it against him. And super intelligence master Varys surely should have known about that fleet before it showed up in the bay?

    Speaking of Varys – I wonder where he is going? Dorne would be the obvious ally if he’s up to speed with events there. I also kind of hope we never hear from Ellaria and the Sand Snakes again, though.

    Arya’s plot really stretched my willing suspension of disbelief – I have enjoyed some elements this season like the theatre troupe, but I’m glad she’s going home.

    I was also desperate for the Blackfish to see reason and go north with them. Perhaps Brienne could recruit Beric and the Hound whilst she’s in the region, though. That would be an awkward conversation but I’m sure he’d like to see Sansa again.

    Cersei is a cornered rat with nowhere to go. They have been madly telegraphing that she is going to blow up the city with wildfire and Jaimie is going to be HORRIFIED….

    • Agreed about the pacing in Meereen. I expect things hit the cutting room floor at the last minute. Good for editors to make their time clocks, bad for viewers.

      You and me and just about everyone side-eyed that Arya running scene. I mean, adrenaline is one thing. BUT. I’m willing to shrug it off, though, until I see where it’s going. Her arc has stumbled around, so I guess we can just be glad it’s finally RUNNING towards something?

    • Deceptively Calm Scientist

      The one thing that makes me doubt any Cersei “Burn them all” plan is that Tommen would be a victim as well. And, as pointed out many times, her love for her children is her sole redeeming quality. Well, that and great cheekbones. But other than that, I don’t think there’s anyone left in KL she wouldn’t happily see burn to death, except Qyburn. Gives a whole different meaning to her getting Jaime out of town, doesn’t it?

      • Lyanna Mormont

        So… if Tommen dies, she sets shit on fire? There is still that prophecy saying all Cersei’s children will die.

        • Deceptively Calm Scientist

          And we’re all trying to guess how Cersei herself will die, and self-immolation doesn’t fit.

          • …ARE WE? D: Sure hope that’s not a book spoiler!

            • Deceptively Calm Scientist

              Heavens no!
              *looks innocent*
              *fails miserably*

              • ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT”S A BOOK SPOILER!??????

                I am furious right now.

                That is so uncool of you. YOU ARE NOT NEW TO THIS SITE.

                Thanks for ruining it for me and other non-book readers. I hope you got your jollies off. Unfuckingbelievable.

                • Guys, I’m so upset right now I can’t even. I’ve deleted the comment, I am SO SORRY to other non-book folks who may have seen that comment, and sorry, buddy, but your IP/email have been blocked because that was so goddamn uncool and my stomach is roiling with upset.

                  WHY. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS. Major character spoilers??? FUCK YOU.

      • Bethany Edwards

        But remember S2 when she almost poisoned him to keep him away from Stannis? I could see a thematic repeat; burning him rather than surrendering him to the High Sparrow.

        • Deceptively Calm Scientist

          Yikes, good point!

  • Donna Mugavero

    Love it, Maestra! Another excellent retelling. Here are some of my thoughts.
    • And now Greased Lightning is in my head all day. Neat!
    • I can’t remember who said it on twitter but even though the timeline predates cigarettes, Qyburn HAS to smell like an ashtray.
    • I hated that the Blackfish died off screen. Hated it. Lack of respect there. And he was great. Like, old school great.
    • Although a few things might be slightly predictable like, ‘NOW would be a good time for Dany to show up’ and she does, I still loved it all. I, too, thought it would be a fine time for Yara to have her way with that harbor disaster.
    • I was like NO NO NO when Arya cut the candle, thinking we would have to wait until next week to find out if the waif was toast. Quite literally, I stood up and cheered when she claimed her name. Damn right you are!
    • I know we have talked about how Maergery is playing her long game but dayum I was still as gobsmacked as Cersei when Tommen decreed the end of Trial By Combat. And that is what the little Birds are probaly going to reveal: Maergery’s skill as a puppeteer.
    • I love the Hound. Even when I’ve hated him, I’ve loved him. [This episode could have been named for his new boots.] Hurray for complicated characters [Jamie!]…
    I can’t wait for next week why oh why is the week so long dammit!
    Thanks again for the superlative recap.

    • AGREED RE: BLACKFISH. And the Hound. And Arya. :D

      I honestly can’t decide what I think Qyburn’s little birdies are going to reveal. My first thought is Wildfire, but I have no clue.

  • Jaehaerys

    Best guess for Cersei’s “rumor” comes from the flashes we get of the Mad King and wildfire exploding under King’s Landing in Bran’s visions in episode 6 as he and Meera are escaping. Jaime was the one person alive after the war who knew about the wildfire plan and so Cersei is very likely to know about that “rumor” and had Qyburn investigate. I don’t know if she’s planning on burning down the whole city or just the Great Sept and all the sparrows, but that’s my best guess as to what she’s thinking. As Olenna said, Cersei is alone surrounded by enemies, and that’s one way to even the odds.

  • Ana G

    In a weird way, one of my favorite relationship dynamics is Qyburn+Cersei. Especially in this episode, he looked so happy/proud with the Mountain thing, and so sad when she got bad news (the little sigh when she guessed Tommen let the faith militant in) and the way he backs her up. He hasn’t jumped ship on her even though everything is turning against her. He’s the loving/approving father figure she never had! I mean yeah, it’s because she lets him Frankenstein people and such but. Everytime they’re on screen together I just: go team!

    • HAHAHA

    • Deceptively Calm Scientist

      Qyburn is one of my favorite characters, not least because Anton Lesser is doing such great work with him. He reminds of what Richard Burton said about his character O’Brien in 1984: that despite the unbelievable awfulness of the man, he’s actually very kind.

      • Ana G

        That’s it exactly! He’s objectively a terrible guy and necromancer but he’s like a sweet grandpa too.

        • Lyanna Mormont

          He’s not doing these things to be awful, you understand, it’s just what needs to be done – FOR SCIENCE!

      • Andy Street

        Yes! Or like Michael Palin, official nicest man on the planet, in Brazil as a still very affable state torturer…

  • Pingback: Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8 "No One" Written Recap Round-Up | Watchers on the Wall | A Game of Thrones Community for Breaking News, Casting, and Commentary()

  • Lanie

    Loved your thoughts on the ep. Absolutely hilarious! I read earlier (busy day no time to comment) and had Greased Lightning going through my head all evening! Now finish the parody and I will be happy :)

    Fast ep but so many plot threads to tie up/off before the finale so I kind of get it.

    Love Varys and Tyrion. Dangit the dynamic duo is no more!! Hurry back to your BFF soon Varys, along with your tack friendship bracelet ;) Grey and his gf Missi aren’t working out as besties for my beloved Munchy Munch.

    If we get to see more Bronn and Hound I will be a happy camper.

    Overall kind of choppy but the way I see it they have only 2 eps left of the season….so many things to do/take care of, and so little time. Still though its GoT and I will take what I can get, since it’s so long between seasons.

    Not to mention I’m enjoying the lighter episodes. Still not over Hodor….

    • Lyanna Mormont

      Yeah, it’s nice to have an occasional episode where no main characters die. Just look at this season’s track record so far:

      * Prince in a wheelchair gets stabbed by his sister-in-law. As he lies dying, she tells him his son is next.

      *Teenager in mourning for his True Love get stabbed from behind by his cousin, who wants his throne.

      * Poor commoner headsmashed by mountain-sized undead knight for dissing the corrupt queen.

      * Lord stabbed to death by his oldest son who wants all the power to himself.

      * Newborn baby and its mother ripped apart by dogs so they won’t be contenders for said power.

      * Elderly king thrown into the sea by his brother, who wants his throne. (I sense a theme going on here.)

      * Noble knight performing his duty to his prince gets stabbed in the back, lo these many years ago.

      * Faithful direwolf beheaded to get to its young human.

      * Young orphan boy hanged for rioting when the organization he works for set the people who killed his parents free.

      * Faithful soldier of said organization hanged for rebelling when given orders he saw as going against everything he’d devoted his life to.

      * All the leaders of an entire culture burned to death so an outsider can co-opt their military forces.

      * Human turned into a monster to be used as a weapon against other humans.

      * Direwolf torn apart by zombies while trying to protect its boy.

      * Mind-wiped boy who has grown up into the kindest man in all the kingdoms gets torn apart by zombies while trying to help his boy get away.

      * Peaceful group of poor people trying to build a church killed by an outlaw band for whatever meagre belongings they may have had.

      Okay, some of these are just a LITTLE bit slanted, but… Yeah. It gets a bit gruesome when you compile it all.

      • ars_belli

        To be fair, there’s a selection bias here. No-one would watch TV of the peaceful twenty years between “Ned Stark back-stabs noble knight; survives” to “Ned Stark back-stabs status quo; beheaded.”

        Though you’re right. it is starting to feel like Spooks: Plantagenet (would that be MI5: Mediaeval in the US?)

  • Adam Bodestyne

    I was reminded of something while watching this episode (and I don’t know why it would spring to mind now of all times), that Maisie Williams plays Arya as left-handed despite Maisie being right-handed herself.

    It’s such a minor thing, it doesn’t have any story relevance. But I noted her in this episode holding her sword in the left hand when facing the waif, striking out the candle with Needle in her left hand, and also holding it left-handed when she faces Jaqen at the end, and I couldn’t help but think that her dedication to a minor thing like that choice somehow represented why she’s been the right person to be Arya (even though the reasons why she’s so good at are so much more than that).

    • ars_belli

      Remember back in S1 when she is taught to sword-fight by the First Musketeer of Bravos? (I forgot his name, sorry.) I think that he tells her it’s good to fight left-handed because everything is reversed. So it’s a beautiful little hint that she was always (still) Arya Stark, whatever guise she was in.

      I am still trying to puzzle out whether Jaqen had her measure all along. What did he mean by saying that a girl was finally no-one?

      But crikey, yes, that’s some acting dedication right there! And I’m sure it’s off Maisie’s own bat to keep such minor but important details.

      • Adam Bodestyne

        Syrio Forel! I had forgotten that he had said something like that. That’s cool.

        Hmm, yes, I’m also uncertain about Jaqen’s response there. I can’t tell if perhaps he _knew_ that she was going to leave, and that was actually her purpose.

  • Julie Martin

    Loved the recap, as usual, and the discussion, though I am sorry someone had to be the spoiler turd in the comments punchbowl. Anyways, this is the time of year where I try to look into magic eight ball and see how much I can predict (signs point to very little!). Sign me up for team Cersei Wants to Be the God of Wildfyre (and she brings you: Fyre!). I am curious how that will pan out, if we are correct. I believe Jamie’s big “Cersei above all” speech was a setup for a big turning point for him. Given his history with the Mad King, if he came home to find Cersei trying to pull the same stunt, how would he react? Or if he arrived too late?

    I am guessing Dany’s storyline will involve killing the Masters via dragons, yelling at Tyrion about how she is queen, etc., and then meeting up with the Iron fleet right as the season ends so that we can wait yet another year for her to set sail for Westeros. Gaahhh.

    Part of me thinks Arya is joining up with the Hound and seeking vengeance, part of me wonders if she is a little weary of death at this point. Perhaps a bit of both? I kind of hope for a big curve ball, like she meets up with Sam and Gilly and goes on a quest to gather dragonglass or something.

    Up North, I imagine Littlefinger will save the day, but am very concerned about what he will request in return. He has been making creepy eyes at Sansa for too long. Me no likey. I do expect Davos to freak out when he finds out about Shireen (which I get the impression has to happen soon? They have been teasing the big reveal). It will push his reluctant alliance with Melisandre to the edge, and I wonder if he might get a little too “Willing to die in this battle” as a result, abandoning the cause not seeming in his nature. I hope not. If there is one thing certain, it is that Westeros needs more people like him. Oh, and that we are clearly going on a Bran vision quest back to the Tower in the very last episode of the season! :-)

  • moata

    First off, sorry you had to deal with that spoilery so and so. People can be so disappointing sometimes. I’ve had that happen to me before from people who definitely should have known better and was incandescently furious. You get mad and then you get on.

    But back to the matter at hand:

    I reluctantly join the chorus of “you can’t run all over town with an abdominal wound like that, young lady”. While it was happening I was all caught up in the tension of it and the scary Robert Patrick Terminator intensity of A Girl to be too distracted by it, but yeah… not that believeable.

    Was also intensely relieved that Brienne and Jaime didn’t have to fight each other…this time.

    Was anyone else pleasantly surprised at how insightful Edmure was? I mean, he’s still a weasely coward of a man but I liked that exchange between he and Jaime. I guess being in captivity for ages might lead a man to introspection and some deep thinking on the human condition.

    A couple of episodes ago there was that scene where Tyrion tried to make chitchat with Grey Worm and Missandei and it was all kinds of awkward. I didn’t really enjoy the scene and it seemed kind of unnecessary but now I see why they included it, so that we could understand what Varys’ departure really meant i.e. torture for Tyrion. And that we see him this week absolutely desperate to make it be otherwise. Tyrion lives on witty badinage and wine. The prospect of being without either is terrifying to him (this is a trait we have in common, as it happens).

    • Thanks for that – you know, if there had been any shred of “OH WOW, I SHOULDN’T HAVE SPOILED YOU” then I probably wouldn’t have been so incensed. I would have been mad, sure, but… ANYWAY. Pah.

      Oh man, I loved that Edmure had Jaime’s number. And even more than that, I love that we had a siege where not a single life was lost, except for me because Brienne left and I died at the little sad wave. BUT STILL.

      Also, I, too, appreciate the Grey Wom/Missandei with Tyrion scenes for the very reason you state. I ship Tyrion/Intellectual and Witty Conversation, and he’s not getting it anywhere now. He had Bronn, Varys, the Small Council, his father (who was intelligent if mean), Jorah and now… It’s a wonder he’s not sauced all the time.

      IS THIS WHY I DRINK WINE A LOT wait don’t answer. I’ll be your alibi if you’ll be mine. ;)