WE ARE JUMPING RIGHT INTO THINGS.
We open with the Cersei PR Campaign play series, and man, did she get good feedback on her market research for how best to write these performances, huh? Not a dry eye in the house when fake King Weaselteat kicks it in Mummy’s arms. When Lady Crane exits to backstage, she finds a bleeding Arya (!!!), takes her home and patches her up, just like she’d patched up all her rotten boyfriends (that was… weird. That was a random bit of info, but maybe it was to keep Arya distracted).
We do learn that Bianca, the actress who hired an assassin (Arya, originally), got the ol’ razzle dazzle treatment, and now has a face for radio. Arya decides she’s going to leave town and see what’s west of Westeros. Before that, she gets a taste of the poppy in order to sleep. I’d… I’d be grabbing at people’s faces all the time to see if they came off, wouldn’t you?
We cut to some dudes in the woods playing a game of “No Homo” (aka, kissing practice and fingers up the bum, but you know, so “we can learn to do it proper-like for the ladies,” and fellas, sorry, but that’s gay. And it’s okay to be gay! The pretending it isn’t gay isn’t okay).
OH HEY NO BIG DEAL, because here come SANDOR and his ax and he baaaasically walks up on these douchebros and takes off all their heads. He’s the ultimate one-swing, one-kill, Expert-Level Melee, and these guys didn’t even have the chance to piss themselves in fear, it all happens so quickly. Well, No Homo gets an ax right up the balls, his guts fall out, then Sandor cuts right down through the top of his head when the guy can’t come up with better “last words” than See You Next Tuesday. It’s pretty amazing.
In Meereen, street-corner preachers are praising Daenerys at Tyrion’s behest, and it will be interesting to see if this Lannister sibling is better at handling fanatical religious-types.
Tyrion: We need our queen back.
Varys: She’ll come back. She has to. I’ve had my heart broken too many times already.
Me: ME AF, VARYS.
Varys: Anyway, quit standing so close or you’ll give away that I’m sneaking off on our Secret Mission.
Tyrion: Fine, smelly. Oh. I made us matching friendship bracelets so when you’re gone, you remember I’m your BFF.
Varys: Ugh. It’s hideous. [wears it until his dying day]
In King’s Landing, some of the Faith Militant have been allowed into the castle, and Cersei’s sure her son has a hand in this. Well, at least he’s alive, huh, Cersei? She goes to speak with the creepers only to have a smirking Cousin Lancel demand she comes with them, Cult Pope’s orders.
FrankenMountain: LOOMS MENACINGLY, the equivalent of an engine rev.
Lancel: Compelling argument. But Cersei? Is this how it’s going to go?
Cersei: PRETTY MUCH. I’m hella excited to see this baby redline it on your turncoat ass, tbh.
Lancellette: Big nasty brute! I’ll give you such a pinch! [slaps at FrankenMountain with his pokey stick thingy]
FrankenMountain: [removes his spine by way of skull displacement]
Cersei: Why, this creature is systomatic [hip thrust] Hydromatic [hip thrust] Ultramatic! Why, he’s FrankenMountain! Go! Go! Go! Go-go-go- Seriously, Lancel. GO. Oh, and let Cult Pope know he’s always welcome for tea. [smiles]
A fresh stream of fear-piss running down his leg, Lancel and the Lancelettes head back to the Sept.
In the BEST NEWS EVER, Pod and Brienne arrive at RiverRun to find the coordinated tents of the Lannisters in-seige’d. Brienne sends the welcoming party off to inform Jaime of her presence when Bronn sneaks up on Pod and gets the drop on him. Guys? Remember the good times of Tyrion, Bronn and Pod? Good times, man. Good times.
In the most “I don’t think you’ve understood a damn thing about Jaime Lannister” head spinning conversation ever, Bronn assumes Jaime would fuck Brienne. REALLY? Really. …Really, Bronn? REALLY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT??
WAIT, NO, THINGS GO FROM AMAZING TO EVERYTHING IS COMING UP MILHOUSE.
Pod’s offered the chance to learn how to dirty fight from Bronn, which means Bronn basically beats the shit out of him and it’s hilarious.
Jaime’s proud of all Brienne’s accomplishments (aww!), and while she’s noble and honorable, she’s continually forced to acknowledge that Lannisters are basically polished up turds and not the pure gold lions she wishes Jaime was. She comes up with a plan: she’ll convince the Blackfish to give up the castle and join her, Jaime can say he won, and then Winterfell has their army. He gives his word. She tries to hand his sword back because she got Sansa; mission accomplished.
“It’s yours. It will always be yours,” he says, his heart aching with admiration for this most noble of knights, his friend, Brienne of Tarth. GREATEST ROMANCE OF ALL TIME. (haha. No, but seriously.)
Brienne makes a compelling argument, but unfortunately, Blackfish is there to defend his home, not anyone else’s. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Bro, could you big picture some things here? No? Crap.
Back in King’s Landing, Tommen has a Royal Announcement, and they’re all treating Cersei like a dirty-rotten-brother-fucker. Tommen speaks to the gathered crowd. “I’m moving up the whole court thing for Mumsie and Loras, and I’m outlawing Trial By Combat, because it’s pretty clear Mumsie’s got a ringer.”
Tommen? Take a knee. I think this whole going against your family and your wife’s brother is going to bite you in the ass. Better get your Ser Pounce snuggles in while you can. Also, we get the massive tease from Qyburn that his Little Birdies returned to their Fagin with some serious intel.
WHAT IS IT, OMG.
Tyrion pours wine out for Missandei and Grey Worm (who don’t drink) and shames them into drinking a toast to Dany. Tyrion is the ultimate, “It’s not a drinking problem if I’m not drinking alone” guy. Basically Tyrion is missing his BFF (who is somewhere secret, holding his friendship bracelet and singing under his breath, “Near… Far… Wherever you are…”).
Tyrion tells a joke that ends with the Stark character saying, “But you screw one goat…” and when no one laughs, tugs his neckline and drains his glass. “Tough crowd.”
Oh. they don’t know what jokes are. You know what makes jokes hilarious? Explaining them*.
Missandei tells a joke and it’s like when my son asks me if I know about corduroy pillows making headlines (also, my son is 20. Yes, it gives me shame. SON, YOU HAVE A FAMILY LEGACY TO UPHOLD!). Not even Grey Worm can fake a laugh at that one. He does make Missandei laugh, and Grey Worm falls even more in love, BUT THEN A BELL RINGS IN DOOM BECAUSE SHIT IS HAPPENING.
Oho, ships are coming into the bay! Whose ships?? The Masters? It appears so. Yikes. Great time for Yara to roll up on a city, ja feel?
Jaime goes to parlay with Edmure Tully who speaks! But it’s maybe not what Jaime wants to hear.
Edmure: So I’m like alternate captain, and that’s all I’ll ever be. You wear the C, the chicks dig you, the teachers look the other way, but you and I both know you’re a shit person. Oh, you have your skill…
Jaime: [feels his missing hand tingle]
Edmure: …but you’re a shit person. Some might say evil. I’m that some. How do you look in the mirror? Glances? Only focus on your chin or nose?
Jaime: I get it. I’m just a bit faster, a bit better, a lot more handsome, and you hate me. And I don’t care about your feelings or thoughts. But I liked your sister. Not like I love my sister, but you feel me. I’ll do whatever it takes to get back to Cersei. I will kill your whole family to get back to her. So! Good talk. Think on it. Good night!
Edmure Tully approaches the drawbridge to RiverRun, but Blackfish won’t let him in. Clearly it’s a Trojan horse, but the men are dummies. And Blackfish is outnumbered. What a mess. Honor is clearly a disease in this world, you guys. (Cries) Edmure enters and goes straight to the general to say they need to lay down their arms. GOOD JOB, GUYS. A+ WARMONGERING.
The Lannisters and Frey enter without a single shot fired (so to speak). Edmure orders Blackfish put in chains and handed to the Freys. TURNCOAT ASSHOLE. My hope was that Jaime would allow Blackfish and his loyal men to leave with Brienne at the helm, but that’s because I’m a wide-eyed Summer Child.
I KNOW. I ARE A DUM.
WAIT. Oh snap, Brienne has the Blackfish and tries to convince him to follow her but he’s ready to die in his home and THAT IS SELFISH SIR. HELP YOUR FAMILY. Ugh. He dies fighting, we hear. GOD DAMN. WHAT A WASTE. Both the actor, the story and the lack of assistance. DISLIKE.
Jaime, however, sees Pod and Brienne’s escape and does nothing but wave her off. TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. ALL MY CRIES.
In Meereen, the Masters attack the city. Grey Worm tells Tyrion to shut up and let him lead. They’ll load up the pyramid and let the Masters fight them there. Well, that’s going to happen sooner rather than later, it seems, as something hits the pyramid with force.
AND IT IS OUR KHALEESI. THANKS, DROGON FOR THE RIDE. (They couldn’t get Drogon to burninate the ships? Or do we just not see that? I’m… feeling lackluster about Dany, but it’s because there’s so much story being told and she was there for five seconds, if that.)
In an episode filled with badassery, we get Sandor coming up on the Brotherhood (Beric Dondarrion!) about to hang the murdering assholes who laid waste to Sandor’s Bible Study group. They allow Sandor two deaths, he makes them as slow as a hanging can get and takes their good boots. If you don’t appreciate Sandor Clegane, you’re living life incorrectly.
After, Sandor lays some knowledge on them. “People like to say we’re fighting for something bigger than ourselves, but that’s a good marketing tool. Meanwhile, I just want to eat chicken, fuck, fight, and sleep comfortably. Not everyone wants to be a part of something bigger, and not everyone should.”
He’s not wrong.
But Beric reminds him that if the Everyman doesn’t pitch in, none of that little shit matters.
He’s not wrong, either.
So. Arya. Lady Crane is murdered by the Waif in disguise, a harrowing chase scene happens through Braavos that I can barely deal with because I’m now basically bald from tearing out my hair, until Arya gets cornered in a room with Needle and the Waif. “That won’t help you,” the Waif says as Arya stands and holds her sword.
Arya cuts the candle out, and we cut to black, and I basically gave birth to my own death and am a walking shadow before you because NO NO NO WHAT HAPPENS WHAT!??!
A Man wanders the hall of the House of Black and White, that’s what. He spies blood on the floor, follows it to the Hall of Faces and sees a bloody Waif’s face jammed up there. Arya stands behind him, Needle drawn.
Arya: Remember when I saved your life?
A Man: Remember when I saved yours? Finally, a girl is No One.
Arya: No. I’m Arya Stark from Winterfell. And I’m going home.
A Man: [pounds fist] Respect.
Me: THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED FOR YOU CHILD, I AM BEYOND HAPPY.
GUYS SHE DID IT. (It’s a little much. It’s a little much.) I mean, okay, she was trained, she danced, SHE DANCED and A WAIF DIED and ARYA IS GOING HOME. She is going to find JON and get HUGS and maybe find her PUPPY.
I AM VERY EMOTIONAL.
NEXT WEEK: Holy shit, Boltons V. Starks and I need Ramsay to be captured and tortured for like, nineteen years. This episode will be epic. EPIC. THEY HAVE GIANTS. Ramsay has more numbers. GAH. I’m going to freak out, be forewarned.
Also, I am going to be performing manual labor in triple digits all day, so bear with me until I can get back to comments. BE NICE. NO SPOILERS. NO BOOK TALK. You guys know I’m Unsullied, so any new folks who show up, BE COOL. <3
Click here for the next ep, THE BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS