Previously! But let’s talk about this episode…
I’M SORRY WAS THAT AN HOUR? That wasn’t fourteen hours?!? How am I supposed to condense FORTY-SEVEN HOURS OF ACTION (#feltlike) INTO A POST? GIVE ME A SECOND.
We open in Dragonstone and Dany’s Small Council meeting. We’re reminded that EV-RY-BO-DY HAAAAAATES SIS. Cercei, that is. Her army is dwindling. Dany, however, is trying to take a more measured approach (for the first time, hey-hey! She’s… been rash in the past).
Side note: WHO IS CARVING THE GAME PIECES? She has some kewl dragon pieces for her team. I assume there’s some dude in Oldtown jacking up his prices after every battle. #SmallBusinessGoals
There’s an amazing bit of Stare Down with Dany and Uncle Fester (Varys).
Dany: You’re a bit easy for a new leader, aren’t you?
Varys: Easy? I’ve gone on record as a-sexual, my queen.
Dany: I mean you’ll flip for whomever. In fact, your sexuality is The Realm, is it not?
Varys: [shudders and stifles a moan]
Dany: Hmm. That’s a bit too vague for me. I demand worship.
Jorah: [having a long conversation with the cracks and valleys in his arm about the perfection of his Khaleesi] …did someone say Mother of Dragons?
Dany: Spider, you’re a bit too slippery for me.
Varys: I’m literally known as the Master of Whispers. Of course I’m slippery.
Tyrion: …please don’t take away my best friend. He’s the only one who gets my literary references.
Dany: I still haven’t forgiven him for the whole selling me as a child bride thing.
Me: [clinks wine glass with her]
Varys: I literally just want people to have peace. If you can’t get behind that… Fair enough.
Tyrion: [sings softly to himself] You guys are my best friends… through thick and thin!
Dany: Swear you’ll freaking tell me if I have spinach in my teeth. Or, you know, I’m about to go Postal with some wildfire or whatever.
And HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE. Fire Crotch Mage (Melisandre) arrives and her words are so cool and sweet, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Varys is quick to point out her former protege BURNED HIS PRECIOUS DAMN BABY NEWT IN A PYRE TO BE KING and nope, still not going to forgive Stannis for that one.
Missandei has some knowledge for everyone, being the most literate and educated person in Essos and Westeros: The common phrase Fire Crotch Mage keeps talking about, “a prince will bring” yadda yadda, is actually a genderless term. It can mean prince… or princess. Oh ho ho!
FCM covers her tracks by saying instead of “or” we make it “and”? She also catches Tyrion and Dany up on everything that’s happened since “Hardhome” and lays the ground work for “Fire & Ice: Long Winter Boogaloo.” (I’m working on the title. Needs to be something snappy…)
It helps that Tyrion knows and likes Jon Snow, and that he would be a great ally against the Lannisters. Dany does expect a visit from Jon Snow, on that would include him bending the knee, and this is where I foresee issues.
In fact, up at Winterfell, Sansa, Jon and Ser Davos pore over the raven’s message Tyrion sends. It’s good that Sansa likes and trusts Tyrion. Davos also notes all the backdoor bragging about how many armies Dany has at her command and FINALLY PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER:
3 Dragons + 1 Hoard of Undead = FOREVER SAFE.
Down in King’s Landing, Cersei tries to sway the remaining noblemen, including Samwell Gamgee Red Leader Porkins Tarly’s PoS daddy, Randyll.
Cersei: So none of y’all picked up on how great I am at PR, as evidenced by my Punch-and-Judy theater productions painting me in the best of light. So let me explain you a thing: Dany is going to take your precious daughters, crucify them, then take your wives and feed them to her dragons, then take your first born sons and make them Unsullied.
R Tarly: Not my first born! He’s the only child I care about! But dragons, hmm…
Maester Frankenstein: (It’s Frahn-kun-SHTEEN) I’m… working on an experiment.
In the distance, a gong clangs and a horse screams.
Jaime tries to gain Randyll Tarly on his team, but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, Tarly makes some good points. His name still has honor. When he signs onto something, people take notice. (He’s the EF Hutton of Westeros . Yes, I’m that old. Here, a slightly more recent reference for you.) He swore an oath to Lady Olenna Tyrell and he’s not sure he wants to just abandon that. Ouch, Jaime, although may I say, Jaime is looking mighty fine in his Lannister armor. God, that is gorgeous costuming.
OH HEY, LET’S VISIT THE SCENE THAT BREAKS MY HEART. Jorah “My passionate love for my Khaleesi drips from every rumbling vowel uttered from my blessed vocal cords” Mormont, is being examined by Maester Slughorn and Sam. Apparently greyscale can be controlled by cutting off the infected part?? It’s your LEFT arm, Jorah! You’re a righty!
His chest is covered now. He has years to live, maybe 10? 20? But he only has six months or less before his mind goes. Yowza. Sam wonders if there’s maybe some alternative therapy that could help, seeing as Precious Newt/Shireen survived the greyscale-
SHE DID NOT SURVIVE HER PARENTS RELIGION, AHEM.
…sorry. Shireen made it, so maybe?
Archmaester Party-Pooper: No. He’s going to die.
Sam: …have we looked at taking away gluten?
APP: Do you even know what gluten is?
Sam: …a germ?
APP: Get out of my sight.
Sam: [to Jorah] He’s a fusspot, but he doesn’t—
APP: No. You, Jorah, can stay one night. Then you have to leave and live on Stone Island.
Me: DID YOU SAY MY HOUSE BECAUSE I VOLUNTEER. I SUPPORT THIS FULLY.
Sam: I just really think we need to look at diet and exercise and salves and…
Jorah: [with throaty passion] It’s fine.
Me: HOW DOES HE MAKE EVERYTHING SOUND SO SEXY? [claws at my face]
Back at the Red Keep, Maester Frankunshteen takes Cersei below ground to see the dragon skull collection, and man, it’s super cool. Balerion the Dread (that is a kick-ass name for a dragon. I mean, I would name mine “Steve” so I could call him my Noble Steve when I rode him because I’m always looking for a pun) is huge. It’s what Aegon rode across the Sea to make the Seven Kingdoms.
It seems the sick Maester Frankunshteen is working on some anti-dragon spray to control any incoming infestation. He knows Drogon was stabbed by spears, so, building on that… he now has a dragon harpoon.
Dude. First off, Lannisters and cross-bows usually end in unnecessary deaths. Cersei’s excitement as she works the lever is too reminiscent of King Weaselteat (Joffrey) for me to think this will go well. (Okay, calling it. Drogon is going to die. I am not okay with that. THEY ARE ENDANGERED SPECIES, YOU GUYS.)
Back at Dragonstone, and damn, shit is heating up fast, Ellaria Sand, Yara and Lady Martell (yay!!) are there in a small council meeting, hoping to encourage war immediately. Ellaria doesn’t give two shits who dies. It’s war. People die. (OH. PEOPLE LIKE OBERYN?? You don’t care when it’s a faceless no one, you just care when it’s your own. Mm, mm, mm. This is what Tyrion keeps telling people.)
Also, Ellaria is a loose damn cannon. She’s going to be trouble, but we knew that.
Tyrion proves his worth by laying out the battle plan: They won’t prove Cersei’s supporters right by having Outsiders invade King’s Landing. No, Dornish and Tyrell armies will take it. The Foreigners (Unsullied, Second Sons) will sneak attack Casterly Rock. And they’ll win. Everyone’s all, “OH SHIT, YES. Yes. This is impressive.” They’re all in. And they’re all smiles. It’s a good plan! Of course, I’m thinking this sounds way too easy.
Lady Tyrell does, too, and has some parting advice: “I’ve outlived all ‘smart men’ in my council. They’re sheep. However, you’re a dragon. BE a dragon.”
LORD A’MIGHTY, OLENNA TYRELL IS A FORCE OF NATURE, AND I LOVE HER.
Other things I love: Grey Worm’s fumbling wooing of Missandei and the way he tries to tell her he loves her, and oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. They are my ultimate ship, you guys. THEY ARE MY SQUID ARMADA. Pretend that makes sense. I’m just full of feelings.
Grey Worm: Always I was the bravest. I had no fear. Until I met you. Now I fear.
Missandei: [longingly bites her lip in a becoming manner]
Me: NOW KISS OH MY GOD
Grey Worm: DOES
Me: LET ME DIE HERE
Me: …maybe don’t let me die until they finish
Grey Worm: Maybe don’t take off the pants
Missandei: I ACCEPT YOUR BODY, MY DARLING.
Me: WHAT IS AIR I CANNOT BREATHE EVERYTHING IS MAGNIFICENT
This is important, you guys. One, it’s not about your dick, dudes. It really isn’t. Two, it’s about love and care and acceptance. Three, penetrative sex is just ONE kind of sex. There are couples ALL OVER THIS GLOBE who never/rarely have penetrative sex, no REALLY. #Lesbians God bless you, show. I thank you.
Back in Oldtown, Samwell uses his time with the Archmaester to try and work on a cure for Jorah, and I would like to beg that Sam is given all the time there is to work on this Most Important project.
MEANWHILE, Jorah spends his time writing love letters to Dany, and I am in agony. AGONY. Sam is all, “You’re not dying today, Ser Jorah” and I am about to fly out of my mortal flesh. SAVE THIS NICE GUY, SAM. Sam has potions and herbs and shit, and he is going to make it so my darling LIVES.
This season has so many amazing comedic moments with Sam, and I’m here for it. They’re subtle and hilarious. Also, he has the best heart of anyone. OF ANYONE. But he’s also like, “I’m going to cut you open and put some gluten in there, and let’s see what happens!”
Jorah: [muffled scream]
Sam’s method is literally to cut off the char and slap some herbs on the meat. I bet it smells like the best, most succulent long pig ever… That was pretty brutal, holy lord.
Also, a tip of my hat to the editors for all the cuts from gross things to food. That’s two episodes this season.
Arya meets up with Hot Pie, has a bit of his brown bread and a smile over meeting an actual friend. She learns that one, the Boltons are dead and two, Jon is at home in Winterfell. I MEAN. I MEAN!!!!! She hops on her horse (I’ve decided it’s named Paloma) and rides for Winterfell, and guys?
Take a knee. (This is me talking to me.) THE STARKS ARE ABOUT TO BE REUNITED. KEEP IT TOGETHER.
Jon gets Sam’s raven about dragonglass, who immediately tells all the lords and ladies, and also mentions Tyrion Lannister’s raven. I like this communication. This is how you do transparent governance. Sansa, however, speaks for the other people who remember. “The North remembers.” It’s like their tagline and everything. She believes it’s a trap, but Jon doesn’t.
However, none of the gathered lords and ladies trust the Targaryens and Lannisters. And they all remember that Robb left, and that’s when shit hit the fan. They don’t want him to go. Why… doesn’t he send a delegation? Sansa also says this. Jon believes it has to be a King to talk to Dany, and he’s leaving the North to Sansa.
OH. MY. GOD. “The North is yours.” Okay, this I can rally behind. Also, could these two maybe freaking discuss plans BEFORE they bring them to the people? I just feel like that would head off a lot of problems at the pass. (Including people online who just exist to bash Sansa, and I SEE YOU. I SEE YOUR BIAS, buttheads.)
I like to think Jon knew that this course of action would rally the troops behind Sansa, and legitimize her claim? I don’t know. Tell me your thoughts in the comments.
Afterwards, Baelish finds Jon down in the crypts and tries to talk about Cat and Ned, and I’m shouting: KEEP THOSE NAMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, YOU SON OF A BITCH. Jon wants him gone. Me, too. Fucking Baelish is trash. Baelish talks up Sansa and his love that is like his former love for Catelyn Stark, and Jon grabs him around the throat and I’m screaming, “DO IT.”
If you didn’t shout and demand Jon end that lying sack of greyscale’s life, I’m breaking up with you. I want my records back.
Jon simply threatens Baelish, however. Bah. It’s not good enough. I don’t care about the “troops” Baelish brought, they weren’t his to begin with. They were Sansa’s. Harumph. He and Davos leave with a “You got this?” handwave to Sansa, and I think she does, you guys. She knows Baelish’s intentions and she’s a changed person. #TeamSansa
Oh, can I sidestep for a moment about a weird theory I have about Baelish? So I have this working idea he can’t father a child. (He works with whores. He test drives them. I feel like he’d know if his bait and tackle are fully operational.) He knew what Ramsay would do to Sansa, and that it could get her pregnant. (I don’t know that she is. I’m operating off instinct.) He wants to marry Sansa and claim her child as his and certify his position in the North.
I HATE THIS, TOO. But this is what I’m thinking.
Arya camps on the side of the road, and we see Paloma getting antsy. It’s also getting colder. Uh oh. Paloma is spooked, and a wolf approaches. Several, in fact. And then. AND. THEN. OH MY LORD, NYMERIA. I am in tears!! Arya drops Needle, re-introduces herself to Nymeria, and my heart is breaking. Nymeria walks away with her pack, because Arya is #ForeverAlone (cries). At least your endangered puppy is alive?? Arya isn’t the girl Nymeria knew, so I assume that’s why she doesn’t go with her? Thoughts? Or was it more “The old pacts between our houses will be honored!” moment with wolves and a Stark offspring?
Also talk to me about: “That’s not you.” I need to be held.
On the Squid Ships 1.0, Ellaria and Yara get cozy while Theon gets pissy about not having a dick, because he didn’t learn from Grey Worm. (He’s still recovering, I get it.) Ellaria is ready to get sibling-sexual, but Theon isn’t interested. And then neither is Yara because scarcely have her knickers grown damp when they’re suddenly under attack, ruh roh…
It’s Squid Ships 2.0! Black Sails, Westerosi style! PIRATE BATTLE AT NIGHT!
SIDE NOTE. Euron looks like that Townie you give a handie to behind his mom’s bait shop so your friends can get free beer without being carded. Just me?
Euron, it must be said, has some kick-ass way of boarding that involves a trebuchet-sort of drop method, and he’s instantly on board Yara’s ship, ready to kick ass and take names. It’s family against family, and the Sand Snakes are charged with keeping Ellaria whole. Theon holds his fucking own, as does Yara, but man, they are out-numbered and under fire—ironic for the folks actually sailing under the Dragon Queen’s banner. Yara witnesses some bad ass pirating, but it doesn’t deter her. Euron isn’t slowed down, either, unfortunately.
The Sand Snakes brought whips to a sword-and-fire fight and are easily overpowered. Man, they were just a waste this whole series. [trombone noise] Ellaria is captured, most of her daughters are killed, and Yara literally leaps down onto Euron to battle in her Final Boss fight. He’s got a two-handed war ax (Dwarvish, +20 DMR) where she has a sword (Light Armor, Expert level), but it quickly turns to melee and Yara, who worked on leveling up her Speech and One-Handed Battle, is finally caught.
Theon stops when he sees her in their uncle’s clutches, a blade at her throat, and he’s unsure how to proceed. It’s pretty grim. I’m yelling at my screen. Just let the Lesbians/BiSexuals Live, for crying out loud… Euron has the upper hand, and Theon is still suffering from massive PTSD. He jumps overboard.
He jumps. Overboard. Well, fuck. Yara? You filled out some leather pants like a fucking boss. #StopKillingTheLesbians But man, I fucking get it. He is broken in so many ways. And Yara finally got it, too, if the tear down her angry face says anything.
Theon floats unseen in the water, the Sand Snakes are dead and hanging overhead, the Squid Ships 1.0 float on fire, destroyed. Jesus. I did NOT see any of this coming.
(Did anyone catch Gendry in his rowboat?)
First, Grey Worm and Missandei. Guys, I’m still not over it. He thinks she’s rejecting him and no, she just needed to disrobe! It’s so tender and dear and sweet and GOOD in a world filled with death and awfulness. Then: Jorah! Everything about him. Sam with the comedic moments and the solving of problems, and Yara being a badass pirate and Theon’s recurrence of PTSD and…
This season is filling my soul, it is telling the damn story, and I am here for it.
SOUND OFF, FRIENDS!
…but again, I’m UNSULLIED. Don’t be an asshole like the dick bag (a bag made of dicks and filled with dicks) last week who tried to make us/me in particular feel like a fool for not allowing book talk here. You literally have the whole internet to talk about the books. You just don’t have this site. And you won’t. I will delete you. Be cool, talk about the show only, or go to other sites that welcome book discussion–in depth book discussion is spoiler territory. If you can’t comprehend how, this is not the site for you. (I recommend my friends at WatchersontheWall.com where they have a robust comment section for book discussion!)
NO. FUCKING. BOOK TALK. Don’t be that guy. It’s not a good look. A good look? Awesome people wanting to talk about the epic shit we just watched!!
How was this one hour?!
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Click here for the next episode: The Queen’s Justice!