Previously! Dragonstone is really a kickass fortress. Let’s just get that out there. Every shot of it was gorgeous and awe-inspiring. I also enjoyed remembering that Tyrion and Jon liked each other away from everything.
Missandei, Dany’s most trusted advisor, explains that Jon and his men must hand over their weapons. (Is this like Fallout: New Vegas where you can slip in a secret .22?? Hopefully that’s not needed.) Missandei is pretty charming and trustworthy, and Ser Davos feels her out, noting the differences in Dragonstone since, you know, family members and various allies were burned at the stake on the beach…
Funny #1: Tyrion joking and wondering if Sansa misses him
I do like him pointing out to Jon nothing happened and that he thinks Sansa is a smarty-pants. Tyrion is a good.
Funny #2: Drogon buzzing the incoming party as Jon and his men dampen their knickers
Funny #2.5: Missandei’s smug grin when they do
Varys pesters Fire Crotch Mage about not meeting Jon and Ser Davos, and I’m calling it: Fire Crotch Mage is either going to be killed or will die, like, lay down and die because “my work is done”. Just me? Uncle Fester makes it clear he won’t tolerate her return to Westeros after she leaves. He haaaaates her, wow. He won’t get his wish, it seems because apparently it’s fated she’ll die in Westeros… and so is he.
OH HO HO, now we know what was said in the fire, right?
…right?Funny #3: Dany’s long resume recitation as her introduction vs. Jon’s.
Funny #3.5: Ser Davos making sure Dany knows Jon is a King, not a lord. Which leads to…
Dany reminding everyone that the Starks are meant to bend the knee forever and ever—thank you for the brief history less we non-book readers don’t get, and this is why we DON’T TALK ABOUT THE BOOKS because this moment would have been lessened for us Unsullied–but Jon isn’t here to bend a knee. We get a back and forth about who killed whose family more, and Dany ends it with an apology. Pretty classy, Khaleesi. I appreciate your growth, m’lady.
If he bends the knee, she’ll name him Warden of the North. The earlier Targaryen-Starks were pretty great at running the show. So? How about it?
Jon: Yeah, no. I’m here for a tit-for-tat scenario only.
Dany: Bitch have you seen my armies? The ones who took your weapons?
Jon: Armies kill regular citizens. I think you don’t want to do that. Also, let me explain Hardhome and everything that is genuinely terrifying.
Tyrion: …no shit?
Jon: No shit.
Dany: Allow me to reclaim my time. Here, listen to me give a magnificent goddamn speech about why I’m awesome and tough and how I can’t remember a fraction of the men who have wronged me. Also, let me explain the faith I have in myself.
Jorah, crying out though he knows not why: KHALEESI!
Dany: Bend the knee.
Davos: HEY YOU TWO ARE OPPOSITES SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. Even I don’t know why, but damn, the parallels, you two! IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU ARE FIRE AND ICE, no that doesn’t make sense, let me think of something else…
I really loved Jon talking to Dany as an equal, but with respect. I think she liked it, too, even if she was mad that he wasn’t falling in line. Fortunately, Varys shows up to change the subject. He has grave news: that Euron has sunk her battleships and killed everyone on board.
Theon: NOT EVERYONE!
Shit, Theon gets captured and pulled from the ocean by Ironborn soldiers. Crap. But then, what could be worse than what Ramsay did to him?
DID I JUST DO THAT? Crap. Horror movie rule, broken. I just got Theon killed, I’m afraid. MY BAD, YOU GUYS.
EDIT: Have since learned it was Yara’s men and not Euron’s, so it’s not quite as bad as I feared. Whew!Euron, meanwhile, rides into King’s Landing with his dick swinging so hard, the first two rows of onlookers get knocked over with every stride. He drags Yara and Ellaria (and daughter) on a rope as a gift for Cersei. He’s loving it. Yara, it must be stated, is stone-cold, wearing her bravest damn Ironborn-face. It’s a damn hero’s welcome Euron receives and it’s gross. He’s a wonk. (He’s an an enjoyable wonk to watch. I just don’t want to date him or, you know, root for him.)
Euron clearly knows the way to a Cersei’s heart: revenge and petty passive-aggressive cuts as she agrees to marry him… when the war is won. Plenty of time for him to be killed in battle, I suppose? I do have to admit that Euron is sassy AF. And the blood vessel in Jaime Lannister’s forehead is clearly about to blow as Euron taunts him about Cersei. Euron can’t be long for this world, with all that posturing. Right? He’s having too much fun to last much longer.
Also having fun… Cersei super enjoys verbally torturing Ellaria about [—WHITE NOISE—]. I’m sorry, did someone I love die horribly? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Game Announcer Voice: It’s time to play a game of Daughter! For! Daughter!! In one corner we have an angry bitter woman and in the other, an… angrier, more bitter woman! They’re both rash, they’re both slightly unhinged, but one is in chains and the other is wearing uncharacteristic lipstick!
…lipstick. OH SHIT. Literally tit-for-tat here as Cersei exacts her revenge. At least it wasn’t something really horrible like long torture or… you know. It seems that Ellaria’s punishment is Cersei’s: Sit and watch her children die, consider all her bad choices, and live, trapped. Wait, no, it’s worse: she’s leaving her daughter’s corpse in there to rot for as long as Ellaria lives.
Damn. (My hat’s off to Lena because this was a masterful scene, if dark as hell.)
Cersei celebrates this W by trying to dry hump her brother, who gives a clear no, but doesn’t mean it, and this is why we get mad at you, Show. Don’t perpetuate that– oh shit, she’s going down on Jaime? Nice buns, bro. He got that booty that bounce.
I AM ONLY HUMAN. SORRY. GOD.
But also stop that dubious-consent shit, Show.
Cersei has no issue with her people seeing her and Jaime naked in bed, and woman? Camera Three.
CERSEI RACHEL MICHELLE BARATHEON LANNISTER. This is why you keep being bested. Your dad was right. You’re not as smart as you think. Protect yo neck, ya dope!
The Iron Bank shows up for brunch (screw rules of brunch, Cersei skips mimosas and goes straight to a flagon of burgundy, but that doesn’t work with field grains and egg white omelets, please. At least try a nice viognier). Long and short of it, lots of wars, no gold in Gringotts, dragons to the south, enemies to the north, a Townie panting at her heels…
See, but Cersei knows how to work a bank manager. House Lannister are blue chips and FAANG stocks and the Gold Standard wrapped up in one, and the guy is quite impressed. A Lannister always pays her debts. But will she? CAN she?
Back in Dragonstone, Tyrion and Jon have a private talk.
Jon: I’m a prisoner here at “Plum Island Animal Disease Research Center.” It’s… charming
Tyrion: That’s only a part of the island! There’s a very, very nice beach. You’re free to swim on the beach for 15 minutes under… armed supervision.
Jon: [raises eyebrow]
Tyrion: …terns nest here? Look, you need to support Dany and you need to do that first. Then we’ll help with…whatever you claim is happening up north.
Jon: How about first you help me with dragonglass? My smiths need to level up to Expert straightaway.
Tyrion: I’ll see what I can do.
Things I liked: Jon’s honest state of panic and worry over how to solve the problem. He’s a good guy and he’s trying to do the right thing, but I think he’s going to be better than Ned’s “good guy” tendencies. I also like Tyrion really doing his best as the Hand, and again, he’s really good at his job. Varys was right.
Funny #4: Tyrion passing off a previous statement to Dany as a “Confucius said…” or written by anonymous sort of thing. Ha.
Tyrion does convince Dany to let Jon have it, and then… IT HAPPENS. JON/DAENERYS, alone, talking. Well, not Jon/Daenerys in fanfiction/shipping sense, but they have a one-on-one, an honest exchange of words. It starts off with Dany talking about her endangered-species pets, and I wanted Jon to mention his miracle Direwolves, but life won’t give me everything I want. Dany, however, will give Jon the ability to mine dragonglass, so that’s something.
In Winterfell, SHOCKER, Littlefinger creeps around Sansa, who is busy being the Wardenness of the North, organizing food and supplies for the Long Winter. She’s very good at this job, I must say, and Baelish has to adjust his trousers with every command she gives and he’s so obvious. Blech. (I love the actor, I love hating the character. Don’t @ me.)
Sansa SNARK is who I live for at this moment when she shuts down his “salient wisdom” that is a whole lot of “NO SHIT, BRO. CERSEI BAD. RIGHT. I KNOW.” Baelish tries to sexily-mumble a “constant vigilance” speech, but it’s so Schroedinger’s Battle I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re in a box. You’re out of the box. You’re in a battle. You’re nowhere near the battle. You love mead but you hate mead and get hives when you smell it. EVERYONE WANTS YOU DEAD. NO. EVERYONE IS DEAD IT IS YOU WHO ARE ALIVE. Also, kiss me.”
Sansa: …I’m good.
Me: ARE YOU?
Bran: ‘SUP SIS????
Me: I AM NOT OKAY. I AM WONDERFUL. I AM CRYING. STAAAAAARKS! But shit, did Bran get Mega-Botox? BITCH, MY LIFE FOR AN EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE, EMO KID.
Okay, Bran has clearly had the feelings Hodor’d out. He’s suuuuuuper chill. After all, he’s the Three Eyed Raven. He explains what it means, and ends with, “This is what it sounds like… when doves cry.” [sexy electric piano lick]
Guys? I really don’t want to know that Bran watched Sansa get raped in his tree root-mind’s eye. Girl, your little brother got WEIRD. I guess we needed this to show that he’s beyond mortal man or something? Ugh, shiver me timbers.
Jorah, meanwhile, has been totally debrided and gets a checkup from Maester Slughorn.
He’s as rough-looking as a plucked chicken, but no visible greyscale! The audible joy in his voice as he says he’s feeling spry and ready to travel left me:
Jorah is still in some pain, but the brisket dry-rub after the burnt ends were cut off seems to have worked! Not… that the Archmaester needs to know anything about that. Cough. Jorah protects Sam by saying the rest and the climate and cutting all gluten helped him out.
SNITCHES GET STITCHES, and Jorah’s had enough of surgery, thank you very much. Please put on clean, infection-free clothing, Jorah, because cholera is making a come-back, and there are some open wounds still yet to heal, my love.
This bill of good health means my beloved Jorah “throatily replied” Mormont is off to his Khaleesi? RIGHT? Not going to lie, Sam offering his hand choked me up. JORAH HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU WERE TOUCHED? Call me and tell me all about it. #DontMakeItWeird.Samwell Gamgee Red Leader Porkins Tarly is a good. [more sobs] But… of course Sam gets found out. I mean, miracles, schmiracles, and these are learned men. Fortunately Archmaester just wants to know how the hell Sam did it. And… also to give Sam a job that’s rather tedious. But hey, he didn’t get worse: [Hermione Granger voice] expelled.
Best answer ever to how he managed it: “I read the book and followed the instructions?” So… healing is more like baking and not cooking. (That makes sense to a handful of you, and I love you all.)
Dany wants Euron’s men dead. She wants his ships burned to the ground. Maybe it’s time to fly the dragons out? She’s too precious to ride alone, so… are we going to see one of her men (Tyrion???) fly a dragon? GUYS. Guys.
But first, we’re going to get a fucking badass shot of Casterly Rock in an awesome sequence that is rewarded by multiple views, wow. Okay. Tyrion reminds us all that the Lannisters know what they’re doing. The siege gets underway and it’s intense with a lot of Unsullied being killed. But is it real? No, it’s what is expected, oh ho ho!
Tyrion, that brilliant mother fucker, knows the way in: the sewers. I loved this call-back to Blackwater, not going to lie. Tyrion has sent the Unsullied in the secret entryway that he devised way back when. Holy. Shit. It’s amazing. It’s utter chaos right at the start, but the Unsullied are kicking ass and taking names. But we all want to know that Grey Worm made it: AND HE DID. For now.
“Give me ten good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch.” Okay, who said this? Am I blocking something we’ve seen in a previous episode?
More important: It’s easy to overtake Casterly Rock because… where are the rest of the men? Aw, crap buckets, on the water. Not Lannister men, it’s Euron’s fleet. WHAAAAAAAAT?? The rest of the Lannister troops, and wolf balls, there are a LOT, are with Jaime on the march. And ha, we knew Tarley would pick Jaime, and there he is, the little climber, riding with Bronn behind Jaime as they approach High Garden. …SHIT.
LADY OLENNA. And of course, the Rains of Castamere plays, and I’m in tears. OLENNA!!! We knew it had to come; she had nothing left and was getting reckless and even more bloodthirsty than before.
Jaime storms her chambers.
Olenna: It’s done.
Jaime: It is.
Olenna: “And now the rains weep o’er our halls.” Did we fight well?
(After all, they’re a bunch of pretty boys and loosey-goosey ladies who love boning and lemon cakes, which is why I loved them. GOALS, honestly.)
Jaime: …as well as can be expected.
THE KINDEST OF BURNS.
Jaime outplayed Tyrion, and that’s no small feat. Jaime learned this little tactic from Robb Stark, actually. And Cersei is smart, because Olenna has the money and the food. And now the Lannisters have it. Damn.
Funny #5: Olenna saying of Joffrey, “He really was a cunt, wasn’t he?”
A tip of my hat to Olenna, for that and for setting Jaime on the path to truly hating his sister, no small task. Thin line, you guys. Thiiiiin line between love and hate.
“[Cersei] is a disease. I regret helping spread it.” Olenna isn’t infallible, though. She doesn’t want a degrading death if she can help it, and Jaime proves he isn’t a monster. He offers her poison in a glass of wine, a painless death. She sucks it down like a fine Cabernet and like she’s me after two days without a glass of wine LOOK I HAVE A HARD LIFE LET ME LIVE. God damn, I love Olenna.
She goes out with some parting shots about King Weaselteat’s death and how she was behind it. OH. SNAP.
“Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.”
Question: who thinks Jaime has any enamel left on his teeth after that grinding session while Olenna delivered her parting shots? God, I’m surprised he didn’t gut her right there. A body has its limits, is all. She fucking PWNS him in her own DEATH. #LifeGoalsAF
Also: That poison doesn’t really work too fast, eh? She got a lot out and we still didn’t see her fall (to which I’m grateful).
God, there was a lot of story in this episode. No fat, all meat. I’m sure there will be people who didn’t like it, but Christ, do they like anything? Puppies? Ice cream on a hot day? Ramsay’s face eaten by dogs? TAKE PLEASURE IN THE SIMPLE THINGS.
I’m almost breathless with how fast-paced this ep was, and it wasn’t short for crying out loud. Are we all on the same page? Are we all just hanging on to our seats? Four more episodes, and I am just happy to be on this ride, honestly.
REMINDER: No. Book. Talk. Everyone around here is mostly an old timer and you know the score, and I love you all. If you’re new, it doesn’t matter if you like it or not (just find another site to comment on, if you simply must discuss the books). Here we talk about what has aired and nothing else, and I forehead kiss each and every one of you who respects the rule. Now: WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THIS EPISODE? Who has a realty license who can help me move to Dragonstone ASAP?
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NEXT EPISODE, RIGHT HERE! The Spoils Of War