Previously! But this week:
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING IN MY EARS]
We open with the Lannisters on the march, a wagon full of gold, save being a bag light as payment to Bronn. Man, I loved Bronn and Jaime’s banter over the years. They would have made a great buddy cop spinoff, solving crime, sassing each other, ending every week with a cold beer and a quip, a freeze frame on them just starting to laugh as the credits roll.
I MIGHT REALLY NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.
Bronn’s given the task of assisting the Tarlys in emptying out Highgarden of all her spoils, a job Bronn doesn’t want, but a job he will take nonetheless. Buddy, you keep forgetting that you signed up to be Jaime’s BFF. Your job is done when he says it’s done. Yeah, you should have sided with Tyrion, but you didn’t. Now go shovel grain.
Back in King’s Landing, Tycho gets wined and dined by Cersei as they await the gold.
Tycho: …the gold that is coming, yes?
Tycho: … is it?
Cersei: [sips wine] Yes.
Tycho: [voice higher-pitched] ….is it?
Cersei: [sips wine. Opens a new bottle. Sips that] Once the gold comes, I’ll even have a little left over. How’s the market looking?
Tycho: [tops off her glass] I can think of three new investments that have high interest fees attached, I mean, things that would be great for you to rebuild your 401 (k).
The bankers always collect their fees, innit though?
In Winterfell, Littlefinger offers his dagger—the one used against Bran after he fell that Catelyn used her DAMN HANDS to pry away from her child like the Mommiest of Momma Bears—to Brandon, and offers a pretty little speech about love and devotion. But Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven. He freaking knows all and sees all, pal. Like… Littlefinger having once said “Chaos is a ladder.” I hope Baelish felt a shiver along his spine from that goose walking over his grave…
It seems Meera is leaving to be with her family. Her duty is done, and girl needs a break. Bran is socially awkward about everything, but everyone needs to know he Hodor’d out. That kid burned away and an ancient being of understanding is housed in that young body now. Sorry, Meera.
AND OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Oh. Oh oh oh ARYA FLIPPIN’ STARK HAS ARRIVED. Of course it’s not easy. No one believes who she is, and everyone she knows is gone. Everyone but Sansa… Arya waits in the courtyard for her sister’s arrival, and she hasn’t been home in so long! Oh my gosh. I’m overwhelmed, not gonna lie. (Arya slips the guards, because of course she does.)
Sansa hears about her arrival and goes off to find her slippery little sis.
I legitimately have tears in my eyes as they hug, you guys. Sansa mentions Jon will most likely go mental when he sees Arya made it. So many are dead and gone, though…
Sansa: Our stories aren’t over yet.
Arya: No, they’re not.
Guys, I could roll around for hours in these reconnections of the Starks. I don’t care if there are folks who don’t like it or who want to say Bran is all weird and emo. I don’t care.
Brienne kept her vow (Pod’s words) to Catelyn Stark, and this is everything to me. I also love Bran giving his Valyrian Steel—Sam, put that in the spreadsheet—dagger to Arya. SEE THIS, BAELISH. Oh, he will. Also, I watched this twice now, and there’s a raven’s caw as Baelish watches the Stark children unite, so do we think this means he got a raven? Or he’s sending one? And who would he send a raven to? Varys? Hmm. I’m going to mull on that…
Okay, Missandei and Dany going all, “GIRL DID YOU HIT THAT!?” about Grey Worm and Missandei finally making the beast with two backs is so funny. Even in war we can take a moment to high five each other for a good time had, and I love it.
After they have their giggle, Jon shows Dany the wealth of dragonglass under the mountain before they start mining. It’s awesome. Bad ass. Dare I say, it’s the schist. Ha. Gneiss. (#GeologyJokes) LOOK. YOU SIGNED UP FOR MOM JOKES.
Jon also finds the cave drawings of the Children of the Forest? First Men? Ancient Hieroglyphs, and they were both here, together. And they were together to fight against the White Walkers (which the Children created, ahem). [pointed look at Dany to pick up on the message he’s putting down…]
Okay, but the White Walker drawings are like junior high art class level and the other stuff is 4-year-old level, so… Hands up if you think Jon sketched that real quick? I mean, that’s some Chiaroscuro shading… (#TrogdorThemeSong)
Dany will fight for Jon and the North… when Jon bends the knee. So the question remains: Will it be down to pride or Jon knowing the Northerners will revolt if he does?
Upon learning she’s losing the war, she asks Jon’s opinion, who gives her the whole, “Be better than your father” speech. Again. It’s still a good one. Maybe this time she’ll listen to it?
Arya realizes Brienne is there, and oh! She’s all cleaned up and looking great, my precious baby murder teen. She and Brienne kick the tires on their weapons, and Arya asks to train with her and what is air? What is breathing? Is everything I want happening?!? Mentoring younger gals? Respecting our elders and both loving every minute of it?? This is amazing. Our little water dancer! Syrio would be so proud!
Seriously, this was an amazing scene. Also amazing is Sansa seeing how her sister has grown up—being a little nervous about it but still proud?—and Littlefinger seeing how fucking LETHAL Cat’s youngest daughter is.
Brienne: Who taught you to do that?
Arya: No one.
Jaqen H’ghar: [enigmatic grin to an empty room] A GIRL HAS LEARNED.
OH GOD. Baelish looked terrified when Arya stared him down. Is that just me? Was he scared? I think he is. He’s smart enough to know he should be, at least…
Turns out that Missandei is the one person in the world who doesn’t know Jon Snow is a bastard. A M A Z I N G. She also mentions (without knowing) that Dany is the mirror to Jon: chosen by the people to be followed. Just work together, FFS, you two! Side note: I’m not picking up on the sexual tension y’all are talking about. I’m not seeing it on the page, and y’all, I see that shit EVERYWHERE IN ALL PAIRINGS. Just not seeing it here. [shrug]
Theon comes back to Dragonstone, and holy shit. JON. THEON. JON AND THEON. THEON! JON! THEJONENONENAHHHHHH. His saving Sansa is why Jon isn’t killing him, and I guess that parses, because Jon doesn’t know what we know, but it hurts. Theon has paid for his sins, y’all. But pour a little out for Theon being brave and walking up to Jon, because that couldn’t have been easy.
Jaime hears from Shitlord Tarly that the gold is securely in the keep (at 36:50!), and maybe they could beat the rest of the men to get the grain and food in before the sun sets? Shitlord is a little miffed Jaime would rather encourage by other means, so Jaime takes a little spleen out by getting Billy Biceps (Rickon, I mean, Dickon Tarly) to admit he was scared of the battle, even though he is literally 6′ 17” and wider than a door and everything that turns me on WHAT WHO SAID THAT.
Right. Anyway, Cockoff (Erm, actually? It’s Dickon?), whatever dude, he says he’s surprised that dead and dying men don’t smell as clean as a Carolina Forest.
“No shit. Well, actually quite a lot of shit. Didn’t they teach you that at Fancy Lad School?” AHAHAHA, solid burn, Bronn.
Bronn… also hears distant thundering. Shit. They haven’t finished moving the food, but at least the gold is through the gates? Right? This is so ominous and terrifying and so beautifully shot, I can’t bear it. We hear the Dothraki horde and shit. Shit. It’s amazing to see the Dothraki stretched across the entire horizon. AND THEN HERE COMES THE DRAGON.
OH GOD THE LOOK ON THE LANNISTER’S FACES. And Dany is riding one! AHH!! The Lannisters are set ablaze and the Dothraki Blood Riders plow through the ashes, and this is un-freaking-believable. My sexuality of Dothraki Blood Riders riding full tilt with both hands on blades, kicking ass and not bothering to take names. Have you ever ridden a horse at full gallup? Downhill? WITHOUT YOUR HANDS?! Jesus, let me die here aroused and willing
Me: …stop making it weird.
Me: No, you are.
Me, but more me: That doesn’t even make sense.
NOTHING MAKES SENSE! IT’S ALL WONDERFUL AND AWFUL AT THE SAME TIME. Also, damn, Drogon is ripped as hell. Baby boy got all swole, damn.
Let me take a moment to remind you and me that no actual horses were hurt in the making of this battle scene. Okay.
[crosses self] ? I’m not even religious. This is why we didn’t waste $$ on last episode’s battles, you guys. To pour it all into this Helm’s Deep of a kickass battle.
Jaime should have headed back, he really should have, and he knows it as his men are absolutely in over their heads. DANY FLAMES THE WHOLE DAMN LINE OF WAGONS. JUST.
[DRAGON SHOUT OF FIRE: Yol, Toor, Shul]
Cersei starves Dany’s men? THEN DANY WILL STARVE CERSEI’S— Oh snap, there’s more fire coming. DANY!!!
[DRAGON SHOUT OF ELEMENTAL FURY: Su, Grah, Dun!]
The Blood Riders are mowing down the Lannisters and it looks bad for Jaime, but Rickon (Uh, it’s Dickon?) saves him. Bronn gets taken out via de-legging of a horse and loses his gold. It’s… not looking good for Bronn.
Oh, no, he’s not going for the gold (in a manner of speaking) he’s still going for the Dragon Harpoon! He wastes the bolt in the chamber on a Dothraki and now has to load it back up and find Drogon.
Honestly, if I was going to picture an end for Bronn in this battle, it would be as Masturbating Pompeii man, tbh.
Tyrion watches the Lannisters burning, easily cut down by the Horde, and you can see how sick he feels about this. “It’s abstract, isn’t it? People dying?” (A wise man once said…) Jaime, too, is horrified as he looks on. Bronn’s bolt goes wide, but his ice-blue shooter eyes are ready.
Nailed it. Drogon, that is.
It’s awful. I mean, Drogon just slaughtered people, true, but still. #EndangeredSpecies Drogon flames the harpoon launcher (Qyburn’s Scorpion? Wicked cool name, my dude), manages to land and let Dany down, and Tyrion sees Jaime ready to attack, riding hard. At the very last moment, he’s pushed out of the way (Bronn?) and falls into the sea… he’s covered in gold and sinks.
No. No way. Jaime Lannister isn’t done. We’re just meant to think that.
…right? (Oh my god, if you know of the leaked episodes and can answer that, I will straight up murder you in your sleep and tell your children Santa isn’t real if you spoil me.)
Guys? If you didn’t get lit from this episode, I’m breaking up with you. No, we’re at an impasse. This was amazing television. This was riveting and emotional and just. Freaking. Awesome. All the slogging we did through the Hard Times? We’re getting the emotional payback, and it’s glorious.
Reminder: I AM UNSULLIED. Don’t be lower than a snake’s taint and tee-hee with book talk here. ABSOLUTELY NO BOOK TALK, please and thank you. You have just about everywhere else in the world to talk about the books, but we don’t talk about them here. We talk about what just aired and what we liked, so keep it there and join in the fun.
But like, ha. Um. Ha. Jaime? He’s… he’s fine? Right?
Edit: Was that Bronn or Cockoff Tarly who jumped in to save Jaime?
(Come follow me on the Twitters and join in the comments below! And seriously: no book talk. I love you.)