A&E, Monday Nights, 9EST
“It’s an emotional thing when you try to fill yourself up [with things], and then you get filled up for a little while, and then you’re empty and you go back out to fill yourself back up.” Marlene, one of our hoarders, sums up the whole problem perfectly. And always remember: for these people it’s a hoard, but it could have easily been drugs, alcohol or food.
We should be treating all of them the same: as fellow humans with a mental illness. Continue reading
(The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is in theaters now.)
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey has been a long time coming. Like a thousand years? Probably that long. The Lord of the Rings films came out when I was in middle school, and as a result, I read all the books plus The Hobbit. The Hobbit was the only one I liked, as it was written on a sixth-grade level and also had a dragon, which to this day are the only ways you can get me to read a book.
However, I remember precisely zero percent of the book, so going into this movie was like going in completely blind (what’s a hobbit???). And it worked out for the best, I think. I wasn’t expecting anything, so I didn’t have a chance to be disappointed. I advise all potential viewers to pick fights in bars until someone punches all memory of the book from your brain, so you can enjoy the film without getting agitated about what is or isn’t there. Keep in mind that there are going to be three of these suckers, so there will be a lot of things that are/aren’t there.
Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. It had all the heartrending, breathtaking New Zealand scenery, frantic battle scenes, and gentle humor of the Lord of the Rings movies we loved, but with new faces. And whatever that framerate thing was all about. I didn’t notice a difference except during the fighting, and even then, it wasn’t that remarkable.
LET US PROCEED.
Good heavens, Miss Bella, you’re beautiful! But you might look into some Visine.
I’ve said this on Twitter, but it bears repeating: the best part of this movie was me leaving. We have a hard and fast rule here at HDJM to spread love, but since I honestly believe Twilight is hazardous to your health, I feel like I’m doing a public service here in exposing it for the painful dreck that it is.
If that doesn’t tell you that I’m not a Twi-fan, then I have no idea what will. [And all Twilight-Defenders will be heartily laughed at. You have EVERYWHERE ELSE in the world to have your joy. This is our time. Our time, down here. /Goonies reference.] You have been warned, Twi-hards. Continue reading
Okay, first off, I have been waiting for this movie since I was 8 years old and saw the first Alien movie on a pilfered VHS tape with the rest of my Girl Scout troop—out of maybe 25 kids, I was the only one who watched the entire thing and clamored for more. So when I first heard about this movie finally coming out, I predictably lost my fool mind. I was a little nervous when I realized it was being written by Damon Lindelof, who cruelly betrayed me so many times in the 7 seasons of Lost, but all my fears were for naught because OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO AWESOME. Consider yourselves well warned for CAPSLOCK shrieking, alien gore, space madness, and Idris Elba lusts gone wild.
The Avengers is in theaters now.
Also, for further reading: previous recaps for Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger.
The Avengers! Or, Armvengers: Operation Beefcake Extravaganza! It did not disappoint. In fact, it surpassed my wildest dreams. Yes, even those ones! Any reservations I had—Joss Whedon (STOP HISSING AT ME, INTERNET), too many main characters to give adequate time to everybody, fan-pandering in either the too much plot or too much character introspection directions, etc.—proved to be neither true nor particularly relevant. This was a fantastic example of an ensemble film, the character and the action were woven into each other quite seamlessly, and the writing was an absolute delight. Everybody had their own stuff going on, and all of their stuff interacted with everybody else’s stuff wonderfully.
I cannot overstate how happy I am with The Avengers, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. On to the recap!
Before we begin, it’s necessary to remember that hunger is a serious ongoing problem in the United States—please consider matching the cost of your movie ticket in a donation to one of the charities with an A or B rating on Charity Watch (or four stars on Charity Navigator).
IT’S HERE IT’S HERE IT’S FINALLY HERE. There are not words for how enjoyable this movie was, but you’re going to get several thousand of them anyway. Short version, no spoilers: yes, go see it. If you are a fan of the books, go see it. If you are considering reading the books, go see it (and then read the books). If you have no interest in reading the books, stop breaking my heart (and go see it) (and then read the books).
(Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows is in theaters now.)
A "game of shadows" is obscure slang for homoerotic fisticuffs. I would never lie to you about this.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows! More like Sherlock Holmes: a Gayme of Shadows, am I right? (I am right.) Godawful title aside, this sequel was really fun and a worthy successor to the original, though it’s pretty obvious that this is not going to be a franchise where each film is more innovative than the last, plotwise. It’s no big deal, because the characters and the sheer, absolute glee everyone involved seems to have for these movies will be more than enough to carry it forward for the foreseeable future.
Returning from the first film are, duh, Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Watson (Jude Law). Apparently they made a bet about who could look more like they wanted to have tender kisses in the moonlight. Spoiler alert: both of them won. It’s intense. Also returning are Mary Watson (Kelly Reilly) and Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams), though the latter is more of a cameo. It’s also one of the few things that really bothered me, but that is a discussion for later.
Um, this is going to hurt. A lot. Love you!
I’m breaking the rules here at HDJM by reviewing something that I do NOT love. Well, I love to hate it, so there we go. If you’re interested in my views on Twilight, I posted a series where I point out all of the flaws and how Mormon the books are, the LDS Sparkledammerung. This is more of an MSTK3, because we all kinda hate it, don’t we?
First off, let’s just establish right off the bat that this did not need to be two damn movies. Do you have a frantic race from orcs in the Mines of Moria? Or a massive battle with The Bride and the Crazy 88s? No? Then learn how to edit. Oh, wait, that’s a problem with the books, too. Then again, these movies are total lady-bait with loads of staring and breathing and staring intensely and intense breathing. Continue reading
As much as I enjoyed this remake, the original’s poster was a lot cooler than the new one:
The remake’s poster could easily be the poster for, say, some parallel universe’s version of Hard Candy (an excellent film about a teenaged girl who traps a creep and wreaks seven kinds of violent hell upon his person/life) that switched out Ellen Page for Anton Yelchin.
AM I RIGHT?
This movie was fun, a great action flick for the tail end of summer before we head into Autumn with all its horror-dramas and pumpkins and school and whatnot. It was delightfully paced, well-acted, and just creepy enough to remind you that vampires were terrifying for a reason, once upon a time. There’s enough of the old Polidori/Stoker theme of “vampires are sex fiends who will suck the life out of you, MALE OR FEMALE” to make it sexy-scary, and enough of the terrifying gross mutant body-horror rape murder mindgames vampire stuff to make it scary-scary. The one Twilight joke was in the trailer, which was a relief.
As Hollywood continues its relentless cannibalization of ideas that weren’t even that good the first time around in the hopes of milking a few more million from yet another decades-old franchise, let’s just be glad I’m not recapping The Smurfs, yo. Agreed? Agreed.
Our tale begins at the Gen~Sys labs, where our hero Will Rodman (no relation to Dennis) works himself into exhaustion trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s. At least, I’m guessing it’s exhaustion because our hero is played by James Franco, who always acts like he’s one unfortunate blood infection away from turning into a zombie. Will is working on a serum that lets brain cells regenerate or whatever the hell hand wave the writers want us to swallow so we can get chimped up and ready to pump. It’s not just a job for Will though, it’s personal: Will’s dad Charles (the inestimable John Lithgow, ridiculously hamming it up like Dexter was all a dream) is spiraling ever downward into dementia. Continue reading