Category Archives: Television

The Bridge 2.02 – Ghost of a Flea

the bridge 2 season 2

Previously on The Bridge:  ill-advised hook-ups to beat the band, model homes bathed in light and blood, and lifehack tips on getting rid of murder splatter by taking free showers at truck loading zones.

“I’m out of here, dude,” says the smarter of two teen boys who happen upon Eleanor the Freaking Terrifying Former Mennonite hosing herself down and showing off her boss William Blake back tattoo in the process.  Continue reading

The Bridge 2.01 – Yankee

the bridge 2 season 2Previously on The Bridge, “A LOT OF THINGS CHANGED,” Marco says in flashback, and okay, yes, that’s as helpful an encapsulation as any before we dive right into the present moment. But I’ll ring those memory bells for last season’s characters and major plot points as we go along in this recap, never you fear!

As for our season premiere, we open with one of those heat-filters on Lyle Lovett (Monte) driving to and walking in a model house. Sheesh, you know, you try to look at some real estate, and you end up getting a ton of blood all over your fancy-schmancy snakeskin boots.   Continue reading

Orphan Black 2×10 – By Means Which Have Never Yet Been Tried

 

A shot from DYAD's Christmas Card next year: Merry Clone-mas!

A shot from DYAD’s Christmas Card next year: Merry Clone-mas!

Previously: Alison and Donnie bury Leekie in their garage. Donnie finds his balls and becomes a man, leading to the hottest sex he and Alison have ever had. Good for them! Gracie gets implanted with Helena and Henrik’s babies which does not please her. Helena realizes she doesn’t want any part of the Creepy Cult Farm. Henrik tries to stop Ginger Gracie and Helena from leaving the cult because he is the WORST. Cowboy Mark proves his love for Ginger Gracie and helps her escape while Helena performs her fave choke hold on Henrik. Then Helena gleefully tortures Henrik with the implanting devices they used on her. IRONY. She burns the place to the ground. Oh, and Sarah lets Kira give her bone marrow to save Cosima but Kira gets kidnapped AGAIN. Seriously?

OKAY YOU GUYS. This has been a late recap. I’m terribly sorry. Between work and a death in the family it’s been a struggle to fit the time in but enough about that boring stuff cause whoa Nellie this was a big episode. Let’s get started, suckers!

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Orange is the New Black 2.3 – Hugs Can Be Deceiving

suzanne, my love, you deserve so much better than all this

suzanne, my love, you deserve so much better than all this

Morello is showing a new crop of prisoners into Litchfield, giving them basically the same spiel Piper got in the premiere episode. Big Boo zeroes in on one young woman: “Ooooh, they must’ve locked you up for your own good! Hey, don’t be afraid, little girl. Daddy can protect you from the criminal element.” Boo, you are a creep. Morello tells her to “keep it in her pants” and leads her ducklings onward. After they clear the hallway, Piper strides in in slo-mo, clutching her new blankets and looking around to the vaguely menacing music playing in the background. Looks like the girl’s got a reputation these days, and the round of gasps she elicits proves it.

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Orange is the New Black 2.2 – Looks Blue, Tastes Red

aawww, i would adopt you baby taystee. but maybe not because you're probably smarter than me and that would cause problems

aawww, i would adopt you baby taystee. but maybe not, because you’re probably smarter than me and that would cause problems

No! Do not think small! We are dressing ourselves for the career that we want. You have to put it into the universe. Dress for Success.

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Orphan Black 2×09 – Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done

 

Don't mess with Donnie Hendricks, bitch.

Don’t mess with Donnie Hendrix, bitch.

Previously: NO.

This week’s episode was a mix of awesome and a little boring. I feel that Sarah and Cosima’s storyline has really stalled while Alison and Helena’s are always interesting. Of course this is just my personal opinion but since you’re here reading this you’re just gonna have to listen to what I say now aren’t you? SUCKER.

It’s a shame that the show has floundered on it’s last two episodes of the season. They do have the season ender next week to redeem themselves, but will they be able to? It was a strange time to change the pacing, that’s for sure.

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Game of Thrones 4.10 – The Children

Arya Stark, winner of the Most Grizzled Player award

Arya Stark, winner of the Most Grizzled Player award

[Previously.] I AM COMPLETELY SATISFIED. Hunnert percent. If you wanna complain about that season ender, you can go find elsewhere, because I am dancing around in my house with my hands on my cheeks, blown away. My husband has a bruise on his arm from me slapping it and saying, “Oh my god!” I can officially say that I had no frakkin’ idea that like, most of that would happen. EXCEPT. I totally called one thing, and I cannot believe I was right.

I know nothing about the books, as you all should know, so for me, an Unsullied, this was a great wrap up leaving me excited for Season Five. GAH, keeping spoilers from above the cut is making me crazy, let’s get to it. Continue reading

Orange is the New Black 2.1 – Thirsty Bird

it's gonna be a plot-y one, kids

it’s gonna be a plot-y one, kids

“Hello passengers, we’d like to thank you for flying with us today. We know you have a choice in your air travel…kidding. You have no choice at all because you’re prisoners. Our prisoners. Anyhoo, please note the exit rows located in the middle of the plane. In the case of a water landing we strongly suggest you do not try and swim to freedom. Remember, it’s winter, and hypothermia hurts. Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened. If the oxygen masks come down, just push them back into the panel above your seat, we’re having some issues with those. Sit back, relax, and enjoy our in-flight entertainment, which is staring off into space.”

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Orphan Black 2×08 – Variable and Full of Perturbation

Hi, I'm the new clone. I should be interesting but I kinda come across as gimmicky. I make Josie cry. We need more Helena.

Hi, I’m the new clone. I should be interesting but I kinda come across as gimmicky. I make Josie cry. We need more Helena.

Previously: Alison, Felix and Sarah stopped Vic from spilling the beans about Alison’s involvement with Aynesley’s death. Cosima finds out that the mysterious DNA match is actually Kira. Donnie had no idea he was a monitor and that Alison is a clone. I KNEW IT. Hot Paul glowered a lot. Rachel found out her father is still alive and that Leekie killed her mother and gets Leekie fired/gets a hit on him but still has daughterly love and lets him go. Donnie finds Leekie on the street and demands to talk to him in the car. Ooops, he accidently shot Leekie in the head. Byeeeee Max Headroom.

So guys. Guys. This recap was a tough one for me. Tough cause I HATED this episode. I’m keeping it short and sweet and to the point. So let’s get started, shall we?

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Game of Thrones 4.9 – Watchers On The Wall

credit: memegenerator.com

Ha ha ha ha. Aha. *cries a lot*

Dear Satan: you’ve been having a lot of fun lately with the wars, malcontents, brutally murdering my boo last week. You have a pattern. 1.9: Ned. 2.9: Blackwater. 3.9: The Red Wedding. 4.9 ___. Wait, 4.9… ___. Oh, I see what you did, you doubled down! 4.8 was our “person we didn’t think would die and holyshit, they DIED?” episode and 4.9 is your mirror to Blackwater. Which means Season 5 is probably going to be ten episodes of the Boltons flaying alive everyone else I still care for while blowing up Braavos for no good reason.

Now, let me preface this with how freaking awesome this battle was. It was. There was a scene in the courtyard that I cannot imagine how much coordination and effort went into getting just right on that camera crane. Plus, don’t ever tell me Bethesda/Elder Scrolls aren’t massive GRRM fans, because wow. I do have one “…really? That’s— That how they— Huh.” moment (and I’m sure you know what that was). But now that a giant is dead, let’s harvest its toe and fortify our health and get into the battle. Continue reading