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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – 2.5 $25,000 Sunglasses

I don't know how to say this, I'm...kind of a big deal. I have many leather-bound books and my library smells of rich mahogany.

Kyle and Taylor wobble on their Jimmy Choos across someone’s thoughtless gravel drive for a lunch date. Their hostess isn’t ready for them yet, as she’s still working with a dress maker and jeweler. She greets them in a boob-hugging beaded gown and tiara. As one does for lunch. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey 3.15 – Black as Ink

Dance your cares away, Worry's for another day! Let the music play, Down at Fraggle Rock! (clap-clap!)

Cracked teeth, black water and hookah pipes. Yep, we’re in Jersey.

The Manzo boys drive out to their grandparents’ house where Noni’s craft room has been turned into a new office for them. Uncle Chris (Jacqueline’s husband) has fronted the money for them to start up a business doing… they’re not sure yet.  Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.14 Belly Up & Up

Tell me straight: am I gonna learn the meaning of going to the pokey, or not? Because I aint ready to wear lipstick, ya feel me?

Last week Ashley reminded America that she was the worst, that she was a Grandpa fart during church service. This week she does the same but – wait for it – I finally understand why she’s so awful. Revelations a-go-go up in this joint! Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.12 Auld Lang Syne For An Eye

Caroline Manzo is not up for your monkey shines.

They’re really pushing it with the titles of episodes now; they’re working too hard. Lemme help out the folks at Bravo: “The One Where Teresa’s Kids Are Brats” or “The One With The Creepy Boob Polishing.” I got it, “The One Where Everyone Wears Way Too Much Eye Makeup.” Well, that last one could be all of them. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.10 There Arose Such A Clatter

Melissa can't believe it when someone tells her Kim G is actually 237 years old. That's a good surgeon she has!

Bravo reminds us of last week’s holiday party with amped up tension music and loads of shots of a plastic-faced Kim G. Monica Chacon, the attorney suing the Giudices, is quietly escorted to the door, and Teresa is appeased. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.09 Twas The Fight Before Christmas

Re: Holiday decor, Kathy will do as she do do and there's no doing anything about it

Kim G shows up. So basically this is gonna be a loooong night. And I would like to state for the millionth time that money doesn’t buy you class (isn’t that a song by one of the housewives from another show?) And Exhibit A is Kim Granatell, aka Kim G. Let’s dive right into Tacky Christmas!  Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 1.08 Holidazed and Confused

Lookin' fa the Italian Cirque du Soleil

Time for Tacky Christmas! Who doesn’t love Christmas in July? I mean, besides Jews, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, Jehovah’s Witnesses…. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 1.07 Teresa’s Got A Gun

AH MAH GAHD LETS GAH SHAHPAN!

A massive cat-fight was a’brewing between Jesus Spice and Teresa. Vegas odds favored Tre seeing as she likes to flip tables and there’s a massive solid oak number near her gel-filled manicure. Jesus Spice could be the dark horse, though, she looks scrappy. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 1.06 Whine and Dine

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT MY NIGHTMARES!!

Tonight is part one of the Big Teresa Fight, which is now a tradition for every season. Before we get to that, we have Caroline, the most respectable of the housewives, preparing for her new radio show on Radio Jersey, “Caroline Rules.” Looks like she got the gig.

Her friend comes over to help her practice, and I swear she’s the Puerto Rican/Italian doppleganger of Caroline’s sister Dina. Anyone else notice that? Aw, I miss Dina and her red hair thread and Grandma Wrinkles.  Continue reading

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.05 Stick It

Amazing Grace, my friend named Grace, words words, words something like meeee!,

Jesus Spice ambles about her room as Bro Joe flips the kids around on the bed. Mel wanders off with a stack of Ed Hardy tees to put away and starts singing (spontaneously!) “Amazing Grace” as everything in Bro Joe’s world shifts off its axis. He shushes the children and literally tilts his head towards the breathless, slightly flat singing drifting from their closet.

He clutches the children to his pumped up chesticles. “Dere’s a friggin’ angel singing in dis house, you kiddin me widdiss?” He might start crying.  Continue reading

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