Tag Archives: Spartacus: Blood & Sand

Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.13 – Kill Them All

The entirety of noble Capuan society is assembled on the villa’s balcony, tarted up like whoa and watching the gladiators on chain gang parade out into the courtyard – Numerius and Domitia, Ilithyia, Aemilia and her husband Sextus the Magistrate. There are easily twice as many guards on duty than usual, owing to the men that Glaber’s left behind to guard his investment and his wayward wife. The men all look more serious and unhappy than usual, as does Batiatus up on the balcony, but the drunken happy guests don’t notice anything amiss.

Batty’s in his usual prating mode of flowery speeches, full of compliments and ass-kissing and self-aggrandizement, and it’s falling on the most appreciative of ears. Meanwhile, Spartacus and Crixus are sharing significant glances down on the sand which, as per usual, will disappoint me when they don’t lead to naked thrustytimes. *weeps*

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.12 – Revelations

Crixus is back in the arena and is once again the darling of Capua. He hacks his opponent to leaky messy bits as the crowd goes titshakingly wild. But below the arena, the real drama is underway. Solonius, looking beat to all hell, is chained up and awaiting his execution at the hands of Spartacus. Batiatus can’t resist getting in some final smug supervillain monologuing at how easily Solonius fell for his and Ashur’s schemes. Batty twists the knife even deeper by mocking Solonius’ jealousy of not only the ludus but his own hotass wife. Solonius admits kind of ruefully that he underestimated Batty, and Batty preens obnoxiously.

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.11 – Old Wounds

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Sparty and Varro are betrayed! Ilithyia is the most tricksy hobbit ever! Batty’s plans for fortune and glory are shat upon by Calavius! And Numerius got laid.

Hello creepy dead Varro, how you doin’? Spartacus is staring at Varro’s pasty dead body and gritting his teeth through the manpain. Doctore sneaks up behind him to offer some wise words of commiseration on fallen bros, and yet Spartacus somehow manages not to weep manfully in his gloriously bemuscled arms. Opportunity: WASTED.

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.10 – Party Favors

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! In a goddamn nutshell, Sparty got some boo-tay and Ilithyia lost her fucking mind.

Beneath Capua’s arena, an everyday grim gladiatoral spectacle awaits – dead bodies of failed gladiators heaped in the corner, bloodstains everywhere, and chains galore. Spartacus and Varro stand chained loosely together at the arena’s gate, waiting their turn, as the crowd chants Sparty’s name. Varro looks a bit nervous and distracted, as his wife and son have still not been found, and Spartacus isn’t having any of that “distracted by a woman” mishegoss. He wants Varro paying attention to more important things, like NOT GETTING HACKED TO SCREAMING PIECES.
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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.09 – Whore

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Crixus receives the bitch slap of all bitch slaps! Ilithyia has an unprecedented hissy fit! An attempt is made on Sparty’s life! And Lucretia makes a new and terrifying friend.

It’s another lovely Capuan morning, and the gladiators are training sweatily out in the hot sun. German brothers Duro and Agron are paired together as usual, and Duro’s ass is handed to him repeatedly. Nearby, Spartacus is training with Varro, also as usual, and their fight is far more well-matched. Sparty is still very obviously top dog, though, but Varro’s got an excuse today: he’s all distracted because Ashur passed his wife Aurelia a note a whole week ago and she still hasn’t responded! And he was all contrite and everything! Spartacus’ reaction? LOL. He is pitying fools left and right. As are we all.

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.08 – Mark of the Brotherhood

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Batty hatches another plot! Doctore is a superdetective! Crixus finally gets a bath! Sweet little Pietros dies! And Spartacus kicks some serious ass.

Alone in his cell, Spartacus is daydreaming in his tiny gladiator panties about his many recent sweaty and blood-spattered exertions in the arena, to the delighted screams of the crowd. Hm, is he starting to enjoy his fame? The tiny smile on his face at the end of the very next day’s games says OH YES INDEED.

Ilithyia, meanwhile, is sulking prettily as usual, huffy about all the attention paid to Spartacus, her husband’s archnemesis. Solonius is looking vexed and pissy as well, since all the men Sparty’s been killing off have been from his ludus, a point relentlessly driven home by Batiatus. Before Ilithyia can flounce off to go pout elsewhere, Batty lures her back in easily with the promise of newly purchased gladiator recruits at which to leer, all of whom will be displayed in all their manly glory especially for her. By Ilithyia’s answering wide-eyed flush of interest, I’d say his ploy works well. *smirk*

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.07 – Great and Unfortunate Things

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Sura died in Sparty’s arms! Barca died in Batty’s arms! Spartacus made an enemy of Doctore! And wee bebeh Pietros is all alone, he is he is.

*****

Spartacus, long-haired and unshaven and glorious, is having hot sweaty tent sexytimes with Sura! YAY FLASHBACKS. After, they collapse happily onto a heap of furs and laugh about how hot and awesome they are. And LOL, I assume this is early in their relationship, because when Sura tells him to “ask me to stay… ask me by my name,” he just kind of grins gormlessly and admits that he doesn’t even know it. OH SPARTY.

Furthermore in the land of lols, when Spartacus tries to tell her his name (his real, non-Spartacus name obvsly) she snips back that every woman in town knows his name already. HAHA. Oh dear, it appears that Our Hero is something of a manwhore. The village stallion, if you will.

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.06 – Delicate Things

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Crixus and Spartacus faced the Shadow of Death! Barca placed an unwise wager! Moneygrubbing merchants met a gruesome end! And then Sparty made it rain by the sheer power of his epic hotassery.

*****

A new day dawns in Capua, and the rain is still bucketing down. Batiatus is up on the balcony triumphantly addressing the gladiators, with a rosy-cheeked and richly dressed Lucretia by his side. Spartacus’ victory in the arena has renewed the ludus’ fortunes extensively, and everyone will benefit like whoa. When Batty brings Spartacus out to receive the men’s cheers, even Doctore looks pleased and proud, although both Lucretia and Naevia do a quick double take when Batty calls Sparty “the new Champion of Capua”. Barca looks pleased as well, although I bet he’s thinking about the winnings from his massive wager more than anything else.

Sparty looks pretty conflicted up on the balcony, even as the assembled men cheer his name delightedly. It’s possible that he’s thinking about Crixus, who we see in brief flashes down in the cells, dripping blood everywhere from gory wounds as the medicus tends to him, but it’s more likely that Spartacus is thinking of Sura and her cryptic dream warning about the rains. INTRIGUE! DRAMA! GLORIOUS THIGHS! I am officially distracted. Continue reading

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.05 – Shadow Games

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! All kinds of brawlin’ and all kinds of ballin’! Batty gets shanked! Lucretia gets laid! Sparty gets paid! Whips are cracked and asses are tapped! And Naevia and Crixus are woobily in love.

*****

Ah, the ubiquitous gladiator training sequence – buff men in tiny man panties sweating in the hot sun, muscles flexing and rippling as Doctore’s whip cracks in the background. THANK YOU STARZ. The men are in two lines, facing one another, switching partners at regular intervals. Of course, as soon as Spartacus and Crixus are paired, they only have eyes for each other, and no amount of bellowing and whip-cracking can tear them asunder! Spartacus ends up on his perky ass in the sand, and even Crixus seems a little confused as to how they got there.

What’s the reason for all this training frenzy, then? It’s the upcoming games sponsored by Magistrate Calavius, of course. In the middle of Doctore’s inspiring speech about glorious victory for them all in the arena, the heat and the never-ending drought has Gnaeus swooning daintily in the sun. The men titter like schoolgirls. Huge, sweaty, muscular schoolgirls…. with … swords. Yeah, I don’t really know where I’m going with this, do I.

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Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.04 – The Thing in the Pit

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Sparty and Varro are stuck in the shit! Lucretia goes a-shopping! Crixus goes a-wooing! Varro gets his freak on! And Sparty’s prideful plotting plummets him precariously down a precipice of pain. (aww yeah.)

*****

A mostly-recovered Sparty is led out of the insula and onto the ludus’ training sands, and flung rather ignominiously to his face by the cliffside. He lies there sulkily in his tiny gladiator panties as Batiatus proceeds to tear him a new one for his pathetic loss against Crixus in the arena. Batty feels that Spartacus has broken their bargain, wherein Batty would agree to look for Sura and Sparty would agree to be the bestest little gladiator who ever gladiatored. Sparty tries to defend himself but Batiatus is far too cranky to heed him. Spartacus had the love of the crowd for his defeat of the 4 gladiators sent to execute him, but has now lost their love due to his sad performance against the totally awesome Crixus.

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