The Jersey Housewives, Part 2

The Real Housewives of New Jersey,  Finale Pt. 2.

Bravo TV, check local listings.

I’ve already admitted my shame once, I don’t need to admit it again. This and tequila are my vices. I wanna jump right in and say that Andy Cohen, the guy that loves to watch women fight, should know better than to get in front of an angry Italian woman from Jersey that brags about being from the rough part of town and is “old school” Italian. Sequined dress and heels notwithstanding, Teresa Guidice threw that grown man like a rag doll when he tried to stop her from getting in Danielle Staub’s face. The woman took her heels off knowing she was going to chase Danielle back during the country club fight. I would not be surprised to find that she had also slipped off her rings and brought out some Vaseline, I’m just saying.

For a woman that brags about not working out, it was impressive.

Look. She’s a bit much, that Teresa. With her spending and her voice and misunderstanding of what it means to be a nice person… she’s a bit much. But if I had been in the same room with Danielle Staub, looking more like Jafar from Aladdin than ever and smirking like she was doing, I’d probably get in her face, too. And I really am a nice person. Staub has got to be a classic borderline personality, right? She at least has to have a Narcissism disorder, and I’m talking official diagnosis. The woman is a piece of work. She’s like a Jackson Pollack made in the monkey house, if you catch my drift.

It’s come out that yes she was fired, and Bravo has hired someone new to replace her. I’d put my money on a non-Catholic, non-family type, but it turns out to be Teresa’s sister. Boo. Oh wait, they hate each other? So our resident table flipper isn’t going to be tamed but irritated in a new way? That, my friends, is how you keep the ambulance chasers like me (there, I admit it, are you happy? I have no shame.) watching. With all of the facts coming out about her bankruptcy, the hidden assets, the maybe hidden love child that Juicy Joe fathered, I turned on Teresa. I don’t like her so much. I still love that she really does do all of the cooking and cleaning in her ridiculous 16,000 sq. ft. mansion, with the wall to wall onyx and marble and brass (brass means class!) That’s impressive. But never forget that Teresa will cut you with the box cutter she probably keeps in her cheek.

It wasn’t all a cringe-fest on their two-part reunion show. I learned how hair extensions work. See, guys? It’s educational. I’m from Dallas, though, and no one here would ever admit to having any kind of work done, and they certainly wouldn’t show their roots on national TV. The southern lady in me was horrified. But if you haven’t figured out that Danielle Staub has no shame by this point, then there’s no helping you. And she went right back to Creepyville when she decided to be the bigger person (uh huh) and offer uncomfortable hugs to everyone, minus Caroline Manzo.

I became so uncomfortable watching her too-long hug with Jacqueline (after Danielle hinted that they “loved” each other and really “meant something special” to one another, and just I wanted to slap her for her fauxsbian antics) that I had to stand up and walk around. Jacqueline’s face was priceless, though, stuck there in Jafar’s arms awkwardly patting her back as sweet nothings (truly) were whispered lovingly into her ear. For like, five minutes.

Cut the camera to Caroline’s epic eye roll of disbelief and I’m back to cackling like an idiot over this hot mess. I gotta say, I absolutely adore Caroline. She’s someone that really does call things like she sees them, and is spot on every time. She’s a little rough with the verbiage, but eh, I don’t need her sounding like a doctoral candidate. She apparently has been given an advice column on which I find delightful. I hope it’s chock full of wisdom like, “Ok, let me tell you something, ok? I sees what ya doing there, and I gotta tell ya, I don’t like it. Nut up and kick the bum to the curb. I got no beef with you, but ya bein’ an idiot, ok? If it walks like a duck, ya know? God bless.”

This iteration is all about family, and you know they hoped it would be Family, wink wink, nudge nudge. I am still not ruling out Juicy Joe from being a low-level hit man or muscle of some sort, but mostly it’s just a big, boisterous Joisy family yelling at each other and eating. With Teresa’s bemoaned sister joining the cast next season, I’m sure we’ll see just how old school she really is.

I can’t wait. And watch your back, new cast member. These chicks don’t play around. God bless.