Misfits 1.02

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Recap: this is your chance to do something positive! What’s going on with this weather! We should be dead! The storm and the lightning, I don’t know, it’s just done something to us! He’s going to kill us! Time went backwards! What is happening to me! You killed our probation worker! If there’s no body, there’s no crime! What if we’re meant to be superheroes! In what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?

Not this one, apparently. As we open, the gang is walking around and grabbing trash with trash grabbers. Sorry, rubbish fetchers. Nathan’s complaining about his lack of ssssuperpowers; Alisha says maybe he’s super retarded. He thinks he might be spiderman, but Curtis is dubious.

SUDDENLY NAKED MAN-ASS, taking up a quarter of the frame and leading us into the awesome opening credits. Which are still awesome, in case you were wondering. SUDDENLY NAKED MAN-ASS PART DEUX. Alisha pokes him in the ass and says “Hey, nude guy, you’re naked,” which cracked me up the first time I heard it and continues to do so on my 848th rewatch. There is a delightful lingering shot of pasty naked man-ass (Simon captures it with his cell phone) as the man turns over, and surprise! It’s Nathan’s mother’s boyfriend.

Nathan freaks, and the boyfriend, Jeremy, bolts as everyone but Nathan laughs. He explains who it was, and Alisha says “Your stepdad has got a massive cock,” and “Your mum will hurt,” which are like the two most horrific things someone could ever say about someone else’s stepfather. Kelly asks why he’s naked, and Alisha says he’s either a pervert or gay and cruising for rough trade, and then Curtis calls her out on being homophobic. FOUR FOR YOU, CURTIS COCO. Kelly says he might be a rapist, because “there’s loads of ‘em round eeah.” Simon says he could be a werewolf. Nathan calls him a twat, but if we‘re Occam‘s Razoring this shit, it‘s the most logical answer–I mean, let’s look at the facts:

+Naked unconscious man
+Terrified upon regaining consciousness

It all adds up! But Nathan says Jeremy “is such a pussy, he needs my mum to open jars for him. I’m sure if he was a werewolf, he could open a jar of peanut butter for himself.” Nathan sounds desperate, and looks totally distraught when Kelly suggest that the storm might have done something to Jeremy.

But let’s shelve that while we go back to the community center, which is full of the elderly! Sally, the new probation worker from the end of the first episode, tells them that they need to go hang out with all the seniors, who appear to be having a good time on their own. Are there only ever five ASBO young offenders in the community payback program at a time? How do they ever get anything done?

Kelly gives tea to a pensioner when she hears him think that his mouth is as dry as a badger’s chuff. Sally tries to make Alisha dance with an old man, but as soon as he touches her, he gets all gross, talking about her “cherry lips“ and “dusky thighs.” Sally tells her to go make tea and stay out of the way, which is possibly even more gross. As Alisha stomps off, we see a quick shot of this lady plastered to Simon as they slow dance, and it is super cute.

Speaking of super cute, this Christina Applegate lookalike is wearing a supercute dress. She catches Nathan’s eye as he pushes a lady around in a wheelchair, and since he is an A+ standup guy, he totally lets her old ass roll away as he chases the girl to the buffet table, handing her a dish of something she didn’t want. She is annoyed with him until he makes a joke about getting community service for sexually assaulting a 90 year old woman. She says “That’s funny,” like it really isn’t, and Nathan responds with “She didn’t seem to think so at the time, god rest her soul.” Christina Applegate is charmed, but abandons him to the clutching hands of a tiny old lady who wants to dance. Nathan very subtly tells the old lady to fuck off.

Cut to the locker room. Curtis pulls a sheet of computer paper with I KNOW WHAT YOU DID printed on it in newspaper letters. Except they’re not really newspaper letters, they’re A FONT THAT LOOKS LIKE NEWSPAPER LETTERS! Or a photocopy of a page that actually had newspaper letters on it. Either way, it’s terrible. Everybody immediately suspects Nathan of winding them up, he finds another excuse to do some pelvic thrusting, and they agree that whoever’s behind it doesn’t have any real evidence and they should act normal.

Nathan is climbing up the side of his house, and in a callback to the Spiderman dialogue from the beginning of the episode, he is terrible at it. His mother pulls up in the driveway, and he jumps off of the house to greet her. She appears to be a teacher of some kind. He tells her about Jeremy’s public nudity, and there’s a nice little moment where Nathan calls Jeremy a wolfboy and his mother smiles at her ridiculous son, but it’s gone when Nathan refers to him as a “psycho rough trade gay rapist werewolf.” We find out that Nathan accused another of her boyfriends, Richard, of sexually abusing him, and Nathan’s like “This is nothing like that, this is true.” But the conversation is over.

Simon is in his darkened bedroom, still in a shirt buttoned up to his chin. He’s watching the video he took of the hailstorm from the first episode while on a website that we shall call Fakebook. He has a terrible profile picture. Somebody named shygirl18 Fakebook-chats him.

cool videos. want to chat??? shygirl18 asks.

Simon loosens his collar. hi he types lustily.

hi yourself says shygirl18

Simon’s sweet-ass space rocket wallpaper looks on approvingly.

Nathan’s eating a personal pan pizza (the loneliest of pizzas) in the community center when all of the lights come on. He sees a figure walk down the hallway, and runs to investigate. It’s Christina Applegate! Well, Ruth, though we don’t find out her name until later. Spoiler alert.

She’s there to pick up her bag. They flirt a little, and then Nathan busts out some liquor. ENGLAND WHY DO YOU HAVE LIQUOR IN YOUR COMMUNITY CENTERS. There’s a short boozing and drugging montage set to “Atlantis to Interzone” by the Klaxons, which is really the best possible pairing of montage and song that isn’t in a fighting movie from the eighties.

Nathan and Ruth sit in wheelchairs outside after they’ve gotten totally high and put on matching tiny sweaters with silly neckerchiefs, and take a cute cell phone picture. SUDDENLY JEREMY’S NAKED ASS. He’s snuffling around in the garbage cans–sorry, rubbish bins–and Ruth ignores Nathan’s kissy face to remark on the naked man with a huge cock that just ran by. Nathan drunkenly grabs her phone and tries to wheel himself away, eventually abandoning the wheelchair to stagger-run after Jeremy, cell phone out. Jeremy tackles Nathan and pants in his face while he shrieks for a minute, then hears a dog barking and runs away. Nathan manages to snap a picture before staring into space, terrified.

The next morning, Alisha saunters up to Curtis outside the community center, still wearing last night’s club clothes and makeup. There is not a word for this kind of hot. Curtis seems to agree. They flirt a bit, she drinks out of his water bottle, and he bites on the cap as he watches her walk off.

Inside, Nathan is showing Kelly his picture.

“Wot em ah lookin’ ah?” she asks.

“Cock. Anus. Bit of ballsack.” Kelly grabs the phone and says “Eeeugh, wo’s thah?”

“Ballsack.” Kelly gives him a look, and he defensively tells her it’s from a low angle. She gives him another look and asks where he was last night, like she thinks Jeremy was pulling a Richard, but he thinks “Oh, shit, she knows I’m a homeless,” and runs away to show Simon. Simon grins broadly at the repeated “Cock, anus, ballsack,” and also asks “What’s that?” Nathan says it’s cock, then says that everyone needs to help him get Jeremy away from his mom. Aaw, this is like a really twisted ABC Family movie.

Kelly asks how they’re supposed to help him. Nathan asks if she can get him a gun. She says, very deliberately, “Ah ain’t gettin’ you a goan.” which means she totally COULD get a gun if she were so inclined. Nathan says he’s sure she knows somebody, and he just wants a little one, “Nothing too larry.” I assume “larry” is weirdo British slang for scary, and if it isn’t, now it is. In any event, “harry” would be a way better term, because it rhymes and also, you know, Dirty Harry. Kelly reiterates her position on gun control as it relates to dickheads like Nathan, and Simon, filming the scene with his phone and crossed eyes, says “You can get a gun off the internet.”

Alisha, Kelly, and Curtis continue to ignore Nathan’s enormous issues when he asks them to come help him again. Simon says he’ll go, but Nathan blows him off. Which is a huge mistake, because Simon’s not that big, but he can Care Bear Stare like a mother. Simon goes into the locker room and becomes invisible. His invisibility, like Curtis’s time-traveling, seems to hinge on circumstances–Curtis has to feel regret, and Simon has to feel ignored.

Alisha and Kelly come into the locker room, chatting. THEN THEY STRIP DOWN AND SIMON IS IN THERE! Is he going to leave like a gentleman?

Nope, he’s going to get all up in their bubbles and stare while a peppy tune plays in the background. Now, Iwan Rheon probably has no trouble getting dates, because he’s cute and charming and bilingual and sings pretty, but he’s genuinely unsettling as Simon sometimes. The suspension of disbelief required to pretend someone who looks like him has to creep on girls invisibly isn’t as huge as it could be. As Simon, he always holds his eyes wide open and flutters his jaw and stands really stiffly, all of which is body language code for “I put ladies in freezers.” Acting! It’s amazing!

The peppy song leads us into the next scene. Jeremy is working out on a stationary bike as Nathan rolls in through his mother’s kitchen window, breaking like 90 dishes in the process. He confronts Jeremy with Jeremy’s cock, anus, and ballsack, breaks a radio, then breaks Jeremy’s nose. His mom comes in and tells him that she knows about Jeremy, who had a Jack Russell named Billy when he was a kid, and when he sees a Jack Russell, he turns into a dog, sort of. Nathan is petulant, and his mom slaps him. She looks just as horrified as he does. He leaves through the kitchen door, and there’s a funny beat when he realizes it was unlocked while he was Bonding through the window.

Nathan goes to return Ruth’s phone, and she invites him in for some Real Talk and a sherry and also sex. She tells him he’s being too possessive of his mother, then totally lies about how the house she’s in, which has a walker and one of those glass corncob decorations that my grandma has like four of and a RIDING STAIRCASE, is her grandmother’s house. There’s like eleven seconds of sex, accompanied by Urge Overkill’s cover of “Girl, You‘ll Be A Woman Soon.” She makes fun of his orgasm face and then they do it again, her on top. In Nathan‘s wild passion, he slaps the assistance button that calls emergency services on Ruth‘s nightstand, and sirens start going off as a man asks if anyone needs help. Ruth‘s boobs are flashing from young and spry to old and stately while he has forty mental breakdowns in the space of a few seconds, and old-Ruth squeaks “I‘m coming!” as Nathan screams into the void.

He also pushes her off of him and runs to hide in a closet, because he is good under pressure.

Ruth, young again, pulls on a shirt and goes to retrieve him. She’s eighty-two years old. The storm made her look young again, but she’s reverting back and that frightens her. This scene is sort of heartbreaking, but it’s difficult to come down on anybody’s side. Nathan just insults her and leaves after she says she’s scared.

Next scene, Alisha’s getting in trouble for breaking curfew five times. The cop says he’s going to arrest her, and touches her to put the cuffs on. Predictably, he tries to assault her, and she looks hilariously bored and annoyed before telling him to get off of her. Sally walks in and Alisha manages to break free. Sally makes the greatest face in face history at the officer’s penis, and he points at it with both fingers and says “I have no idea why that’s out.”

Sally catches up with Alisha in the bathroom. I get the feeling she’s actually a pretty good probation worker when there are not extenuating circumstances. She tells Alisha she’ll help her file a report if she wants to press charges, but Alisha just wants to forget it. Sally says that Alisha has an effect on men, and that she’s beautiful, but Alisha shuts that bullshit down fast. Good girl. Sally offers to talk, but Alisha says no and leaves. Sally’s like, “FUCK, FOILED AGAIN.”

James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” warbles over the seniors dancing with our heroes at the community center. James Blunt was in the RAF so to say anything bad about him is to gamble with your life, but this song sucks, like really hard. The dancing is really cute. Kelly’s wearing a tight polo shirt and track pants with her hair in, no shit, both a pouf and a side ponytail, and is fingerguns-ing quite chavvily. Simon dances like a robot. Alisha and Curtis dance together-ish.

Ruth approaches Nathan as he‘s slouching in a chair. She’s old and smiling hopefully; he’s screaming and running away. Kelly watches him go. She and the others catch up with him later as he smokes furiously under a bridge. He accidentally thinks about how he had sex with Ruth, and everyone makes fun of him until he runs away again.

Simon strikes out with shygirl18 after asking her for photos. Nathan drinks alone on the roof, then understands what he must do.

He goes to Ruth’s the next day, and after a false start, makes his way into her house through the open door. He finds her dead in a chair with a photo album open on her lap. Neil Diamond’s original “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon,” plays as Nathan sits and goes through the photo album. It’s only about half full, jumping from young Ruth to old Ruth quickly. Nathan tears up a little bit, then sets the album back on her lap and apologizes. He goes to kiss her head, but pats her hair instead. He leaves.

He also makes up with his mom, and sort of makes up with Jeremy. His mom offers to let him move in again, but he lies and says he got a flat with a few friends. SINGLE-SERVING PIZZAS DON’T COUNT AS FRIENDS.

The gang shoots the shit in the locker room as they prepare to head out. Simon gets even more intense than usual and tells them they have to be ready for when the other people with powers come after them, because that’s what always happens. Nathan scoffs, then opens his locker and sees a missing poster with Tony’s picture and I KNOW scrawled across it. The camera leaves the locker room and shows Sally leaning against the vending machine, looking devious. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

NEXT UP: Alisha is a serial rapist, Sally finds something terrible in her car, and Nathan feels stuff in his balls.