Jersey Shore: 3.09 The One With All The Pasta & Familial Sharing

I’ve never been to the shore, the closest I’ve gotten is the song Bitchin’ Camaro, so I have no idea how small a place it is. It seems like there may only be fifty people that live there. I say that because the show opens with Snooki snuggling with her Mario Brother, who isn’t feeling it. He leaves, she complains to Jenni about how the sex wasn’t even worth it [national television diss! Ouch.] and Jenni tells her that maybe she should call up Roger’s buddy Nick, who she met up with a few weeks back. Good idea, they talk on the phone and make plans to have a date at 4:30. The small town stuff is coming, hang on.

Meanwhile, Pauly gets Mike and Deena up and out of bed so they can go to work selling be-slogan’d tees that would even embarrass Hot Topic (although I would pay good money for a fist pumping Edward Cullens, won’t lie). For the first time all season Deena has a bad work ethic, but it’s because she’s seriously hungover. The three take a “break” that turns into an hour on the boardwalk to play carny games.

Who on earth still plays these? I guess people who like giving their money away. Speaking of, Mike spends $100 (no, really) on the ball toss (snerk) game and convinces the carny to give him the Big Prize, a Pocket Rocket Motorbike. Mike calls it Pauly’s birthday gift. They carry it under their arm and head back to work. At least they went back to work?

While all of this is going on, Ron is having a serious case of the “Who am I if not Sam’s punching bag?” woes, so he calls his dad to come give him some love. This slim, weather-beaten guy that looks a lot like Ax Cop shows up, and it turns out he’s ‘Roids Rage’s father! I was totally expecting a mustachioed-version of Mickey Roarke in The Wrestler, so that’s a nice surprise. He calls his son “bro” a lot, which is hilarious. Son-Bro and Dad-Bro go get a soda pop and talk shop, and his dad convinces him to stick it out because, “Wherever you go there you are.”

I think that’s a No No on Ron Swanson’s Pyramid of Greatness (not unlike someone saying to give 110% because it’s mathematically impossible), but he’s completely right: no matter where Ron goes, he’s still Ron. May as well be in the shore house getting paid and being forced to enjoy life than popping Xenadrine in a dingy closet in the Bronx. Dad-Bro walks him back home, gives him a big hug and a kiss on the neck (aww!) and tells him in a loving, fatherly way to nut up.

Mike and Pauly come back from work with the pocket bike, take it to the roof and get Ron to ride around on it. As Pauly says, “It’s like a bear in the circus.” I was thinking of a gorilla on roller skates, but eh. They all take turns, Ron’s laughing and clearly having fun (finally) and Deena asks for a ride. No one shows her how to shift gears, so she gets on, goes a few feet and kills the engine.

“Guess it’s out of gas, then.”

And she is once again the dumb girl in the crowd of boys. Come on, guys, quit being dicks. There’s something so pathetic in a girl that keeps getting teased and mistreated by a group of boys, but keeps coming back for more. I hope that by the end of the season we see them treating her like a real part of the group instead of Ron’s little sister that they didn’t want.

It’s 4:30 on the dot, so Snooks calls up her date, Nick. And she gets the answering machine. So she does what any sane person would do: leave a passive aggressive voice mail and then immediately call him back. She does this, and I’m not making this up, twenty times. Leaving a message each time. Hasn’t every single sitcom had one of these episodes where someone leaves a nasty message and has to sneak in late at night and figure out how to erase it? That doesn’t serve as a how to, numbskulls, it’s meant to be a warning to NOT EVER DO THAT. Wow, does it make you look pathetic. People who might be inclined to call and call and call, hear me: you look pathetic and crazy. Not the person who didn’t answer. YOU do.

Well, it turns out that the reason Nick didn’t answer the phone is because Mario Brother is cousins with the other guy she hooked up with a few eps back, who are both friends with Sir Phone’d a Lot, Nick. Snooks just believes in keeping it in the family, that’s in the bible, guys, jeez. (Deuteronomy 25 – kinky!)

It’s been, like 20 minutes into this episode and there hasn’t been any toilet trauma yet. OH WAIT, there’s a delivery. It’s a toilet snake from the landlord and I am totally laughing at how awesome the editors are because a few eps back Vinny made a big deal of saying how he’s not stupid and he can unclog a toilet. And then he can’t. And he has no idea what that tool is for, it seems. He asks Pauly for help, does he know what to do?

“I don’t know, I’m not from around here.”

Ahahahaha, Pauly, you are greatness. (In Rhode Island they use toilet salamanders.) I guess they’re not intuitive people, as you jam the end into the commode, feed it out until you can’t anymore, then reel it back in (gross) and pull out whatever is gumming up the works (hoark.)  But this is beyond these guys, so they give up. Good hell, fix the damn toilets! I can’t imagine how badly that room must stink. For people who claim to be “fresh to death,” I am crying foul.

Vinny and Snooki flirt with each other in that “I hate you!” “No, you don’t.” charming way that you do when you’re in your early 20s. They hit the clubs, get trashed (what? These kids?) and are all over each other on the dance floor. When they get back, Snooki climbs into his bed, wanting a cuddle, but Vinny’s sobered up some and isn’t having it. He tries to carry her to her room, but decides to leave her there and sleep elsewhere. There’s a bit of a double standard going on as Vinny reveals that while it’s true he likes her, he won’t bang her because her crotch has become a Clown Car filled with Guidos and he’s not into that. Boo, Vinny, why are you trying to make me not love you anymore?

Ron calls Sam up the next morning to “hear her voice.” Oy, here we go. What about what your Dad-bro said, Bro? About you being you and not letting things get to you? Sam sounds good on the other end, like happy and together and not in the slightest bit crazy. Good fa you, toots. Ron asks, “So what about us?” DOOD. Let it go, facrissakes.

She asks him if they can be friends if she comes back, and naturally he’s all for it, he’s totally moved past her and feels like he’s in a good head space, his Yogi has really helped him channel some good energy. Duh, of course you can’t, Sam, because you two are oil and water and it’s not going to be over between you until someone’s in jail for keying a car. Ron’s all sour grapes pouty, hangs up and goes outside for a quick sob.

The Meatballs are feeling bored so they stick marshmallows all over the house (quick PSA, stop misspelling this word. There is nothing mellow about them, they are mini-crack pillows of sugar highness. Thank you.) The Situation is on the phone, they want to call a cab, so he gets a little light bulb and says he’ll call one for the ladies.

He also sets up a fantastic prank (in your face, marshmallows!) by telling the cab driver to take them to Times Square instead of the bar on the other side of town. He pays ahead so it’s all settled. Mike lets the guys in on what’s happening as Vinny seems to want to go with the girls and that would ruin everything. It’s decided, the girls are going out for dinner elsewhere, the guys will all hit Rivoli’s, done.

The cab gets there, and they take off. Deena and Snooki are too busy chatting it up to notice that they’re nowhere near their destination. It’s 54 miles from the pier to Manhattan, so that’s a bit of a hike. Finally they notice that they’re all the way to Woodbridge and passing Staten Island. The cab driver pleads the fifth and the girls are incensed and start to panic when the cabbie won’t turn around. And honestly, I’d be a little worried that he’d tell me through the rear view mirror that it needed to put the lotion on its skin and then a creepy death’s head moth would land on the door handle and the camera would pull back as the cab sped away, my crying face pressed against the glass, and it would be all over for me.

They convince him to pull over after they drive through the West Holland tunnel. The Meatballs find a liquor store and exact their revenge on Mike: to buy a fifth of vodka and some sodas. In your face, Situation!

Meanwhile, the guys are ready to go eat except for Mike, who is taking his sweet-ass time on the phone. Then he takes his sweet-ass time in the shower getting fresh to death, then picking out his jewelry, on and on. The guys get sick of it, they’re all hungry, so they ditch the Sitch. Mike eventually comes downstairs, sees everyone gone, and the Charlie Brown music plays. Time is precious, bro!

The guys go crazy nuts at Rivoli’s ordering everything off the menu and cramming it in their faces. They like their pasta, these kids. Mike gets Jenni to drive him to pick up some take out, and something clicks in his head about people who slow up the plan and how they suck donkey balls. He becomes enraged over a slow driver in front of them, keeping him from his feed. He reaches across Jenni to honk the horn and her dogs (who naturally are in her lap?) go bananas and bite his hand while barking madly at him. Ha ha.

Mike sits at the kitchen table by his lonesome, his spread before him, and has imaginary conversations with all of his friends.

“Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?”

(Mike in a falsetto) “Yes, Mike, I would love some tea. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants. Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?”

(Mike in a deep Southern accent) “Yes, please, Sitch. Why are you so cool?”

“Oh. I don’t know, Clyde Frog. I just am.”

(Falsetto) “You are so strong and smart, Situation. Everybody loves you.”

“Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.”

(In a bad Australian accent) “We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.”

“Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.” He sips from the side of the pitcher of iced tea.

(Falsetto) “Mike is the best!”

(Australian) “Mike kicks arse!”

(Falsetto) “Michael, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.”

“That’s nice, Polly Prissy Pants. More tea, Mr. Rumpertumskin?”

(Mike in a poor British accent) “Oh, yes, please, you’re so kind and handsome, Mr. Situation!”

“Why thank you, Mr. Rumpertumskin! And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?”

(Southern) “I think you’re an over-blown, full of yourself, almost a rapist piece of shit, Mr. Situation!”

Mike sits back, shocked. Partly because of the language used at the dinner table, and partly because deep down he knows it’s true.

A rumble deep in the ground radiates chaos and anger out from its source. Children cry for no apparent reason; dogs howl, whining at doors to be let in. The cameras show Sam packing her things to go back to the Shore house.

Her mother and sister offer advice. “Be sure to lift your hair up and out at the roots, the thinner the section you’re working with, the straighter you can get it.”

She braces her shoulders, pats her duffel bag to make sure her new Farouk CHI Silver Nano 1” iron is there – she’s going to need all of the support she can get.

Meanwhile, somewhere along the Garden State Parkway, the Meatballs have decided that the best revenge against Mike is to act like they had a blast in the city and that they’re actually grateful to him for the “gift.” That lasts for all of two seconds when they get home. They get pissed off, yell at him, and march off to their room. Mike, to his credit, apologizes to them and they accept it and admit that it was a good prank.

Snooks realizes that Pauly and Vinny knew about this, so she lets all of her anger out on Vinny. Pauly walks in and puts on his best “pissed off girlfriend” face.

“Uh, I just heard that you guys are mad at me. But I didn’t do anything.” Head roll on his shoulders. “And so I’m mad at you for being mad at me.”

I love you, Pauly D, and cannot wait for your spin off show about your cray-mazing life as a small time DJ.

Everyone shares a good laugh, some lessons have been learned, and they all start their preparations for a night of clubbing. Even Ron! The door opens and Pauly says (in a snarky tone), “Hey, Sam!”

They all get excited and cheer, except for Ron. He turns on the blender and walks outside, hands shaking, lip wobbling, unsure of himself.


Next week: Sam disses Ron! Pauly cracks us up! Vinny gets a plumber in the situation! Not that one, that’s for the After Show, wink wink.