Jersey Shore 3.12 Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Sammi has been scream-crying “I’m not wrong, let me go!” for what seems like an eternity (really just since the last episode) and Ron replies, “Oh, you’re never wrong!” BOOM, in your face, Sam.

But I was promised Meatballs in boxes, like Maru, but greasier. Snooki and Deena, waiting for the fireworks to end so they can go to bed, are killing time by punting a medium sized box around. Deena climbs inside and promptly gets stuck. Mike wanders past them, shaking his head.

“Deena makes Snooki look like a rocket scientist.” Ouch.

Back in the fiery depths of hell, Sam admits that “maybe” she contacted Arvin via text to be spiteful and rude, but she “doesn’t do that.”

“But you did!” Man, she is lobbing them easy over the net for Ron.

She then tries to end the fight by getting him to take her to bed. WHAT. Oh, you delusional, pathetic woman.

The next day is Deena and Sam’s last day of work at the t-shirt shop, and Deena evidently has gone downhill in the work ethics department. But do any of these kids really work? Well, Vinny and Pauly take pride in it, but no one else seems to. Maybe my girl Jenni, as well.

Vinny takes Snooki out for burgers, offering to pay and everything. Aww. Snooki still likes him so much, but he isn’t wanting a relationship and does the whole “I’m going to talk about other girls I’m having sex with to get my point across” thing that guys do, and I just wish she would get over him. And then of course he says in a confessional that he really does have feelings for her. For one day. Boys!

Pauly takes Vinny to get his ears pierced, because Vinny is apparently a little bitch that doesn’t tan, mani-pedi, and wear jewelry like a mother trucking man does. Pauly got his ears pierced at 7. Wow. It’s time to look gangsta, it’s decided, and Vinny nervously sits down, worried about the pain. Dude, you are covered in tats, and you’re worried about two pricks in your ears? Now, if they were Vinny sized pricks, OH! Boom!

He doesn’t even flinch when they go in, and he “takes it like a G.” These kids are really invested in being gangsta, but I’m pretty sure Pretty Boy Floyd wasn’t called that because of his sparkly earrings. I’m just saying. Pauly is beside himself with glee, going on and on about how “fresh to death” his boy looks. They are just the sweetest couple.

Vinny gets up, confuses himself with Fitty Cent, and starts walking like he’s taken a few .50 cals in the thigh. Someone send this boy a gold tipped cane, stat. Deena sees the earrings and tells him they look adorable. Ha.

They all get ready to go out and Deena comes sashaying out in a denim bustier. The guys start razzing her and Pauly says he doesn’t think denim is “in” anymore. Dude, you’re in Jersey. Saying denim is out is like spitting on The Boss or kicking Bon Jovi in the nads.

They hit Aztec, Vinny finds two cute girls to dance with, turns around and GAH! The Gypsy is here to take their souls! Danielle has found them once again, and I no longer believe her to be a Romanian Gypsy with a grudge (all of that “I’m Israeli” had a little to do with it) but now believe she’s there to kidnap Pauly and make a man suit out of him. Pauly hears the screaming of the lambs, turns around and sees her, and breaks out in a cold sweat.

She actually asks if she can come home with him and he plays it off and slips away. Beware a scarved woman with a cast asking you to help load her van with a sofa, Pauly, and whatever you do, do NOT rub the lotion in the skin. Really, dude, you don’t know what pain is.

Ron and Sam backed out of going to the club. They spend the night with Ron eating a huge sandwich and Sam watching him. She says she’s sorry over and over in a baby voice, wraps herself around his bicep and coos in his ear. They go upstairs and he grudge pounds her and it looks like things are all better now. Who knows what the deal is with these two at this point, maybe they secretly have trust funds or are wicked awesome in the sack.

Back at Aztec it seems it’s Old Ladies Night. Everyone is over 50 and is into Pauly and Vinny. Someone’s Nana tries to grind with Pauly, who freaks the hell out. Danielle tried to jam a death’s head moth down his throat earlier and now this? He says she’s no grenade, she’s a damn Atomic Bomb. He and Vinny grab two cute girls from earlier (well, they’re the cutest ones there) and go back to the house.

Someone knocks on the door, and you know it has to be something like 3am, so who the hell could it be? It’s one of the girl’s brothers! Oh, but he’s not there to collect them, he’s just there to find out when he should pick them up in the morning. What. Good job on pimp duty, bro-bro-sapien. Pauly sees this as an excellent opportunity to rid himself of his girl, and Vinny follows suit.

It seems that those earrings of Vinny’s had been soaked in some Massengil before insertion, because this guy got a double injection of douche and is on a roll. He’s a total jerk in kicking the girls out, playing Big Man in front of everyone, and walking like a pimp around the house. Well, like a white kid thinks a pimp walks. He then grabs Snooki’s arm in an attempt to drag her off and says, “OK, let’s go.”

Oh, no he did not. She’s rightfully hurt and says, “I’m no last resort, I’m a first priority.” There you go, girl, own your worth! He tries to apologize over and over, but they’re dickish apologies, the kind where the person tries to make it your fault for their behavior? Feh. He keeps teasing her and won’t shut up, she finally goes limp, he lets her be, and she goes to bed. Gross. Vinny! Stop being a dick! It’s getting hard to maintain my crush on you!

He doesn’t help things by trying to “battle” the people that are still up. The lamest rap battle in history takes place (usurping the prior Lamest Rap Battle ever, which was between Cecil Hammersmith of the Upton-upon-Avon Hammersmiths and Basil Cunningham from Devonshire. They swapped rhymes whilst drinking a purloined 40 ounce from the servant’s quarters.) Pauly laughs his ass off, not because Vinny has amazing flow (he doesn’t) but because Vinny thinks he has amazing flow. Oh, and also because he keeps falling down.

The next day is Jenni, Mike, and Pauly’s day to work, and Mike immediately checks in and goes to the back to sleep. I swear to god, these are the laziest damn people ever. YOU SELL T-SHIRTS. You are not battling forest fires or hoisting 200 pounds of bricks on your back facrissake. Pauly and Jenni actually do their job, but after an hour of looking for Mike, the owner finally just fires him. (It was his last day, so eh.)

Sam wakes up at the house “blind” because she slept in her contact lens. Bitch, are you serious? Who out there hasn’t done that? Put some damn fluid in your eye, get it out, and put your glasses on. She gets Ron to take her to the doctor (oh my god) and I think I just realized that this is their excuse to go somewhere private and bone. Ah! OK, then, never mind.

Ronnie’s mom Connie calls the house completely drunk. Deena can’t get off the phone with her. Holy shit, this poor lady is a total train wreck.

“I’m tan. I’m so tan I look like an Indian.” Long pause. “I love you.”

This goes on forever. Jenni comes in and Deena passes the phone off to her and sneaks off. Jenni quickly realizes what’s going on and tries to find a way off the phone, especially when Connie starts in on Ron and Sam’s situation. SPEAKING OF…

Mike walks in and Jenni pulls a fast one on him. “It’s Ron’s mom, she’s asking for you.”

Well, Mike can’t say no to a woman asking for him (it’s so rare when they do) so he starts talking to her and is on the phone with her for a half hour. Good lord, he’s a nice boy. Oh, except for how he started talking to her about the whole Arvin situation that’s just happened. Eh, she’s shit-faced, she probably won’t remember. But still, that’s not cool, dude. He finally gets off and says, “Man, Ron’s mom is gangster.”

Ron and Sam get back from boning, I mean, from the doctor’s and Jenni lets Ron know that his mom has been drunk dialing them all day, cue the duck squawking with yet another call from her. Jesus please us.

He’s totally embarrassed and upset, as you would be, and tries to handle things. Jenni tells Sam about Mike’s motor mouth, and Sam comes out loaded for bear. She tells Ron who is pleading with his mother to stop embarrassing the family and herself and to stop calling. He finally just hangs up on her, giving Sammi the opportunity to fill him in.

Family Meeting with everyone but Sam, who is most likely straightening her hair for strength. Jenni tells everyone to keep an open mind about this, but Mike says that back in the day (pre filming) Sam had a big thing for Arvin (girl has a type!) but the girls all want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Not so with the guys, they think Ron should be done. I mean, we all think he should be done, but hopefully this will be enough of a blow to his pride that it’ll actually take.

Sam comes out and wants Mike to just back off so she can repair her relationship. They get into a yelling match and Mike says the best thing ever to her: “You are the worst argument person (sic) ever. All you do is keep repeating, ‘You’re a piece of shit!’ over and over!” LOL. She is the worst at arguing, she is all about the straw man, ad hominem attacks, and isn’t above flashing some boob.

Mike, who is on a roll with the rationality and maturity, says that they should just let him call Arvin, everyone can listen in, he’ll ask whatever questions they want, and they all can hear and decide for themselves. Excellent plan, which means of course Sam wants nothing to do with it and sequesters herself with the girls outside while the boys make the call. She tells the girls that this is it, they’re really done. Mm hmm, I got your number, sister.

Jenni says, “Well, you wanted a hot guy to show up and make your ex jealous. If I knew Tom was going to be at a club, I’d have 10 Rogers show up.” True, but the problem lies in her still hooking up with Ron, he wasn’t really her ex. GOD I HATE THESE TWO. WHY ARE WE FORCED TO DEAL WITH THEM, AUGH!

Mike gets Arvin on the phone and Arvin is honest, because Jersey Boy Code states that you will not claim banging a chick when you didn’t, or you are a dick. So he says that no, he and Sam didn’t “hook up” in that way, but they did make out, and she gets in touch with him from time to time.


Ron grabs the phone, calmly asks him to repeat that for him, and then races outside, saying “You are the biggest liar I have ever met in my life.”

And the episode ends! I know this has been the end of like, nine of these, but let’s hope that it is FINALLY over between them. Please dear baby 8 pound Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt because you like to party, please let them be finished.

Next week: I am bitterly disappointed! I assume.