Okay, I’ll be your Dungeon Master for this campaign, and I did ask for one of you to bring your 20 sided die because my mom vacuumed mine up and wouldn’t let me pull it out of the canister because that was “dirty and gross” and I just really don’t want to get into that now, we’re here to pretend we’re wizards and rangers. Unless one of you chose to be a dwarf, but we already have one of those for this adventure, and that should be enough.
I also would like to start off by saying that we’re going to be traveling in the land of the show version of Game of Thrones, not the book version of Song of Fire And Ice, so it’s in your best interest to remember they are not the same thing. Okay! So you find your band of rangers in a world of snow. It’s very cold and very quiet. One ranger, he’s an NPC so let’s call him Red Shirt, goes off to explore a mysterious fire in a copse and finds dead bodies strewn about in the snow. He runs back to the group.
Another NPC Ranger, and he looks like a poor man’s Mark Walhberg, is giving him shit about being scared of dead bodies and follows him back to the place of the massacre, but the bodies aren’t there. Roll your D6 to see which of these rangers will eat it. If you thought Red Shirt, you’d be wrong. A thing rises up behind Marky Ma’rk (hey, this is high fantasy, someone needs an apostrophe or hyphen in their name) and it looks like a cross breed of Predators and Fremen. We’re going to call them Predafremen and they appear to be a chaos race with the strength of Invisible Stalkers.
Red Shirt and the last remaining NPC ranger take off running, one dies and it looks like Red Shirt is spared to carry the tale to others. Cue the intro, and can I just say that as a girl who grew up with Legos and Erector sets, the fantastic visuals of the map of the land of Westeros rising up with gears powering it all is a thing of beauty.
Back to our game. Red Shirt staggers across a field of grass, pursued by men on horseback. They quickly capture him and carry him back to the land of Winterfell, which is a land of supportive parents and after school activities like crewel work, archery, and be-headings. The Lord’s son, Bran, is a 10 year old scamp who wants to please his father. And it seems that watching Red Shirt get beheaded is what his dad wants.
Red Shirt is taken to Justice Log (It’s Log! What rolls down hills, give leaders their thrills, supports the warden’s flogs? It soaks up the blood, survived summer’s flood, it’s Jus-tice Log!), tells Boromir, I mean, Lord Stark, that the Predafremen (or as the show calls them, Wight Walkers, a totally lame name in comparison, it has a -3 charisma, am I right?) are real, that they killed the NPCs, and he was a coward who ran away.
Lord Stark uses the Two-Handed Broadsword of Winterfell to cut off his head, he has a +2 strength and does it in one whack. We learn that the Predafremen have been thought to be extinct for over 1000 years, oho! Lord Stark mulls this information over and decides that it is rubbish, Red Shirt was just a mad man. He and his men head back to their castle and happen upon the dead body of a mythical creature, a direwolf, with pups still living. (Sad face) Bran wants to keep one, and the bastard offspring of Lord Stark, Jon Snow, convinces Stark to let the pups live and to give each of the legitimate children one of the pups. Frolicking wolf puppies for everyone!
We have another land in the kingdom of Westeros introduced now. We find ourselves deep in a tomb, clerics praying over a dead body and perfuming the air with incense as a beautiful woman looks on. The man is Jon Arryn, and he was the King’s Right Hand man. Aaron Eckhart’s doppleganger shows up and there is strong sexual tension between him and Beautiful Cold Lady. And then we find they are twins and I don’t have anything in my manual that deals with twincest, so we’re going to be winging it, players. Also, it appears that the beautiful kinky lady is the Queen of Westeros, so everyone needs to watch out, because she has some high EPs right off the bat, is my guess. I’m pretty sure she’s the one that did in Jon Arryn, although it’s not confirmed, it’s just my hunch.
Lord Stark’s wife, back in Winterfell, learns about the man that died and realizes that he didn’t just die, he was most likely murdered. She also learns that the King and Queen are on their way to their house, tells her husband, and they send the staff out to tidy up the place and change the linens and spruce up the whores, El Jefe is on his way.
Bran, who is a little monkey scrambling all over the castle walls, sees the procession from a distance and rushes to tell everyone. King Baratheon arrives, he resembles a Henry the 8th, and we’re introduced to the family Stark and see the family Baratheon. His men have awesome helmets that resembled golden versions of the Things from the Black Lagoon and another that looks like a wolf’s head, and they both have a Damage Resistance +2 and a weight of 75GP. They’re hardcore is what I’m saying.
The Queen has brought her boytoy brother along, and her other brother we learn is a Dwarf. He is The Imp, he is a chaos cleric, and I’m guessing he’s already achieved ultimate intelligence for dwarves, because this dude is crafty. And horny. And he’s getting some serious paid-for tail and I would just like to take a moment to acknowledge that an actual Little Person has a bad-ass role on a TV show where he gets loads of sex and isn’t there for comic relief.
Sorry to break character. Within a secret room we find a bed, and on this bed is The Imp and his lady friend, and over the course of only two turns he gains three more ladies and fills their purses with copper and mead. His brother, Dirty Rotten Sister Fucker, helps him achieve this level. The House of Lannister (for that is who the Queen, her sexy Eckhart twin, and the Imp are) appears to be cunning and dangerous, with a major lust for life. Be wary, players.
We move on, travelers, to the land of Pentos where Draco Malfoy sits with a lady version of himself. Except this is not Draco, this is Viserys Targaryen and his silver-haired, purple eyed sister, Daenerys. And I am not sure who wrote this manual, but apparently incest is going to be a theme, so we’re going to have to adapt. Roll 3D8 to determine the time it will take you to stop being grossed out by the brother stroking his sister’s breast as he explains that she should learn to like her womanly curves.
OK, that took most of you about four turns, I get it. Daenerys seems to be a sad sack of a girl, bullied by her brother, and forced into marrying a warrior that she’s never met before. Her brother makes her dress up all pretty for her new husband, who has an army of Berserker Warriors that he wants to acquire. A warrior that might also be a barbarian shows up, and he speaks a unique language. He is Khal Drogo, a Dothraki. She is going to need to increase her intelligence over time in order to communicate with him beyond bending over.
Side note, doggie for her first time? (Assuming her brother kept that little piece of his sister untouched. Fleurgh.) Not cool, Khal, not cool. I guess that’s just the Dothrakian way.
Before the marriage was consummated, there was a big party with savages of all skin colors (but all with the same-ish hair color in a single braid) fighting, drinking, and fucking. Someone gets their guts cut out, a gift of books are presented to the bride causing bewilderment between the savages, and it’s just like any ol’ wedding reception down south. Poor Silver Hair. I’m guessing we won’t be thinking that for long.
Back in Winterfell, that scamp Bran is climbing all over the walls of the castle as his wolf pup looks on being utterly adorable. The wolf is adorable, I mean. Weird noises (to a ten year old) draw him to a window where we see Queen Cersei Lannister and her brother Jaimie doing the Dothraki. Ruh roh! Jaimie grabs him at the window, tells his sister it’s no big deal, he’s just a boy who doesn’t even know what they’re doing. She is not convinced, however, and Jaimie pushes Bran out the window to fall several stories below, apparently to his death. No punches pulled here, folks! Blackness as this part of the tale is finished.
OK, so we’re going to have to pause our adventure here, it seems, but we’ll pick up next time in Gary’s basement, and I’m on sodas, so someone else is going to have to be in charge of chips and dip. Also, we’ll start our campaign back up with Lady Stark not buying that her son Bran fell on his own and we’ll go from there, cool? See you next week, and I’m hoping that Lady Stark is going attack the Queen with a +4 Dagger of Poking.
Watch Game of Thrones on HBO, Sundays