Quick hand check: when the awesome theme song plays, how many of you sing along, and then keep singing it for hours after? It can’t just be me. Also, I want Lego to come out with a motorized Westeros Map set. It wouldn’t be weird for me to play with that while singing the theme song. It would be weird if I insisted on wearing a cape while doing that. (Weird because it should be a cloak, right? Who’s with me?)
We start our adventure in the courtyard of Winterfell where Bran is practicing at the sword, his feet moving like- wait, his feet moving? Oh, this must be a dream. A huge raven squawks at him, landing on the statue of a direwolf. Bran follows Lenore to another direwolf statue and wakes with a start. (I knew he didn’t have his legs fixed. Yes, I’m a genius.) Theon Greyjoy has arrived, telling Bran that Tyrion Lannister has come back, and Bran’s presence is required. A large door with arms and a head picks him up and carries him to the castle.
Robb Stark, acting Jefe of Winterfell, hisses and spits at Tyrion, wanting to know why on earth he’s come back. Bran arrives, and Tyrion gives the young man engineering plans for a special saddle, one that will accommodate Bran’s weakened legs. (Magic laigs! He got magic laigs, Lieutenant Dan!) Bran is pleased, so Robb is pleased. Tyrion will have none of this feigned hospitality, and says he’ll go sleep in the brothel.
Here we have our first of many encounters with the NPC Ros, a Sor20 that is evidently an arcane spellcaster with a magic, ahem, pouch, that causes all noblemen to forget that Westeros is crawling with brothels and whores, yet they all get with only Ros in this adventure. I believe she has a level 60 of epic hotness to account for this.
Greyjoy tells the Imp to check out Ros, she is his favorite, and the Imp sallies forth, even tossing Greyjoy a coin for his next boots knocking session with her. It’s more payment for having called the kid out as a slave who’s father was unsuccessful in throwing over King Bartheon. Oh yeah? Well Greyjoy likes being under Ned Stark’s thumb, so there. And I’ll just take that silver coin, thank you. I mean, this is Ros we’re talking about. Girl’s got skills.
At The Wall, Jon Snow is showing his frenemies how to fight properly when Red Six, Porkins, shows up. Instantly crying and throwing his hands up, the guys can all tell that a warrior yet he is not. Their trainer orders one of the men to beat him mercilessly with the flat of his sword until Porkins stands up. Porkins sticks to his Weenie Defense, and Snow steps in to protect him.
The Trainer, employing the R. Lee Ermey method of tearing the troops down to build them back up, hates everything about Snow, his cushy upbringing, his sword fighting skills, his easy rapport with the trainees, but especially for being kind to the soft, puling Porkins. He storms off, bitching about his beloved Corps being filled with maggots. Spitting Welshman slobbers out his anger with Snow for stepping in and helping a weakling, because now everyone will think that they’re weak. Way to go, nice guy. You know, the Seven Hells are filled with nice guys.
The Dothraki have finally come to the end of their road trip to their homeland, Dothrak. (You expected it to be named something else?) Brother Boob Stroker tells his sister that it looks like shit, smells like shit, and is probably made of shit. Daenerys engages in a small battle of wills over who’s people the Dothraki really are, hers or her brother’s. Later Daenerys talks to Ser Jorah about the likelihood of her brother actually defeating King Robert in battle, given that he’s a sniveling little worm with no real experience aside from making women cower, and the Khaleesi realizes that her brother is most likely not capable of accomplishing a takeover. You can practically see the wheels turning in her mind – she’s growing up to be quite the intelligent young lady.
Brother Boob is in the tub with Daeneyrs’ special lady slave (it was evidently a family purchase) and they have sexy times talking about dragons, dragon skulls, and as BB recites the names of all the dragons he learned, she is clearly getting off on it. This culminates in BB realizing all dragons are dead, has a sad, gets pissed at her, and then asks, “What did I buy you for? To make me sad? Now hop on the knob and be quick about it, I have skulking and complaining to do.”
Back in King’s Landing, Sansa has lessons on how the court works from her nurse. Sansa, who is also growing up to be quite the intelligent young lady, realizes that her relationship with Prince Titty Baby is in jeopardy. She asks the nurse what would happen if she only had girl babies. The nurse tells her the crown would skip Joffrey and go to his brother. “And then everyone would hate me,” Sansa finishes. Well, probably, even though it would be the fault of Joffrey with all of his excessive X chromosomes, but that’s knowledge for another world, I suppose. She also lets the nurse know that she does not forgive her father for killing Lady.
Speaking of her father, he’s in a meeting with Grandmeister Flash and the Spurious Five discussing this upcoming tournament that the kingdom can’t afford. Baelish is all for it, as the incoming knights and tourists keep his brothels full (even without Ros) and Ned grudgingly concedes. But they better get on with it, the tourists are mucking up the city. He has a walk and talk with Grandmeister about the former Hand, and just what was the Hand up to before he died? Just out of curiosity, of course.
Jon Arryn was reading a book. But not just any book, this book is a complete history of any and every nobleman and their families since the beginning of King’s Landing. A new mystery! Evidently the last words of the dying Hand were, “The seed is strong.” I have my suspicions about what that means (and why Jon Arryn was killed for knowing it) but since I’ve not read the books, I’m only speculating. I’ll put that at the end, for anyone that doesn’t want to have my theories stuck in their brain meat.
Ned leaves with the massive book in his arms and sees his little Inigo Montoya standing in the Crane Position. Arya has taken to her sword training like a Dothraki whore takes to her knees. (Boom!) Mr. Miyagi is teaching her discipline, how to be strong and whip-like as all good swordsmen should be, and next, she’s going to chase after cats! Ned adores his littlest girl and tells her how wonderful she’ll be when she grows up and gives birth to boys that can grow up to be Knights of the Watch. She can’t because you know, that pesky vagina keeps her from being all she can be, which is to say a man.
Arya is not happy with this laid out plan. “That’s not me.” Good for you, little trend bucker! She goes right back to Crane Position muttering about how all these men better wax off.
On The Wall, Snow is having a quiet moment of not watching for danger when Porkins shows up, trembling. It seems that not only can’t he fight, he has lousy eye sight, and is afraid of heights. What in Seven Hells are you doing on the freaking Wall then, Broseph? Well, it seems that Porkins had a complete dick for a father. Porkins could either swear off his inheritance, give up his name, and join the Watch, or he could go for a little “hunting trip” with his dad, and accidentally on purpose get his head cut off. Or an arrow to the skull, either/or.
To the Watch it is! Porkins is just a sad sack of gelatinous woe. Snow can’t help but want to save this poor, kicked puppy, and tells him that he will to learn how to fight. Porkins isn’t too sure about this, but Snow tells him, “Well, you can’t get any worse.” And then we are all laughing, because it is true. Except for how those tend to be famous last words, Jon, way to doom Porkins. I’m expecting a panicked “I’ve been hit!” any day now. (But Snow: stay on target.)
Baelish and Ned go for a pleasant stroll where Baelish lets Ned in on how many spies are everywhere. That gardener? Spy. Little kid playing in the dirt? Spy. That tree? That’s the greatest spy that ever spied. Also, there was a particular blacksmith that the now-dead Hand liked to visit, perhaps Lord Stark would like to take a shopping trip? He’s helping Ned because he still carries a torch for Cate. Which should automatically tell us that he’s wanting Ned to die so Baelish can take his place, right?
Ned takes a little trip with his most trusted aid, Jory, to visit this armorer, and sees that there’s a handsome young blacksmith (covered in sexy soot with icy blue eyes, hel-lo gorgeous!) with crazy talent. Sexysmith has some attitude and that perks up the ears of ol’ Ned. He demands the boy look him in the face, nods, and tells the armorer that if that boy ever decides to stop making swords and instead use them, give him a call. Jory asks what that was all about and Ned tells him that he just met King Robert’s bastard son.
Another bastard? And one that no one seems to know about, maybe not even the King? Oho, the plot, she thickens.
Jory takes a note to the King, presumably to tell him all about his handsome and talented and unknown son, the one with perfectly formed arms, a square chin, a defiant stance that girls can’t help but react to- I mean, Jory has a note for the King, but instead encounters Jaime Lannister, forced to stand guard and listen to the King diddle his whores. One can only assume Ros is in there, given her reputation.
It turns out that Jaime and Jory once fought side by side ages ago, and this leads them down Memory Lane.
“Remember when we cut off that one guy’s head?”
“Good times. Hey, what about when we gouged out that other man’s eye and took turns pissing into his ocular cavity?”
“What a laugh that was! We are bonding. Say, want to give the King this note for me?”
“Why don’t you piss off, you little nothing who works for a little nothing. Oh, and if the old gang wants to get together and drink to memories of that battle, call me!”
You never can quite put a finger on Jaime Lannister and when he’s going to snap. Also, very relieved that Jaime didn’t get the note (assuming it was about handsome McAntler Helmet Maker.)
Breakfast at The Wall and Snow lets the gang know that they’re not going to pick on Porkins any more and not only that, they’re going to help him get better. Spitting Welsh isn’t keen on this, but he goes along with it. Skinny Silent Bob is not going to go along with this, however. Oh, really? While he sleeps, Snow gags him, sics his direwolf Ghost on him, and let’s him know that yes, he will help Porkins out. Okay, then!
Out in the training yard all of the guys cut Porkins some serious slack, almost taking it too far. Trainer sees what’s going on, doesn’t like a minute of it, and asks them what is their major malfunction, didn’t their mommy and daddy give them enough attention? The best part of Jon Snow slid down the crack of his momma’s ass, and he was good for nothing and to get out of his sight. They’re all a bunch of stupid kids and they’re going to get killed.
Brother Boob Stroker drags the paid maid up the dirt path to his sister’s “Palace” and asks what the hell Daenerys is thinking sending in a whore (that’s not Ros) to order him before his sister’s presence? And on the sideboard she has stupid gifts from her stupid Dothraki people made out of stupid shit and he starts to hit her with a stupid leather shirt that’s probably not even leather, it’s made out of horse poop. Daenerys grabs a bit of bling from the table and smacks her brother upside his head with it.
“Uh, you may not have realized this? But I’m kinda a big deal, being Queen and all? And my husband rocks the eyeliner and loincloth look and not a lot of people can pull that off and you’ve just got a sick albino lizard from under a rock look, and that’s not going to strike fear in the heart of anyone. So you best come correct next time you see me, because the next time you raise a hand to me? That’s the last time you have hands.”
He’s thinking to himself, “I’ve got 99 problems and they’re all bitches.”
Snow and Porkins have been commanded to sand up the kitchen tables and get them so clean they shine like the top of the Chrysler building. They get to talking about how they’re both virgins (whaaaaaa? Jon Snow with that sad face and bouncing curls?) Snow almost popped his cherry with, who else, Ros the Famous Prostitute and her Bag O’Sex, but couldn’t bring himself to do it because what if he got her pregnant? Then there would be yet another bastard named Snow. (Is he playing a long con with chicks? Because I don’t think it’s necessary. You’ve laid the groundwork, bro, now comes the getting laid part.)
The two laugh and slap at each other and just have a good time cleaning when Trainer walks in and asks if they’re cold. “It’s a bit nippy,” from Porkins, because this kid is just asking for a beating. Trainer sucks in air for a good two minutes and let’s it rip.
“Oh, you’re a bit nippy in this building while standing in front of a fire? And it’s still summer? Guess what, ladies, Winter Is Coming, and let me tell you gents how cold it’s going to get. It’s going to be so cold that horses will spontaneously turn into fudgecicles. And then you have to eat them, which means you no longer get to ride them, you know, ride them back home. Then your friends die and you have to eat them. And while you’re eating them, evil Wildlings are hunting you in the woods, the woods they grew up in and know like the back of their hands, and you’re so cold that even if you stood directly in an iron smelter you couldn’t get warm, and did I mention that it is pitch black dark? And cold? And you’re eating your friends? So you can pretty much expect to die like flies. Virgin flies.”
In the land of sunshine, Daenerys is having a heart to heart with Ser Jorah about her brother. Isn’t he supposed to be the true king? Even though he’s a bit of a shit? Jorah just feeds her lines until she’s able to realize that her brother is never going to be king. And hey, isn’t she married to a powerful leader of strong warriors? I wonder what can be done about this…
The tournament finally takes place in King’s Landing and good King Robert the Drunkard slurs out a command for everyone to get on with it, already. Sansa and Arya are sitting in the front row. Sansa tries to smile at Joffrey, but he just looks like he sucked a lemon and turns away. Lord Baelish takes the empty seat next to Sansa and plays “caring uncle.” More like Uncle Creepy.
The joust begins and the lineup is “The Mountain” vs. “Recently Knighted Squire of The Recently Murdered Jon Arryn and Who Is Conveniently Up Against A Man Three Times His Size.” Whoever had to put that on a scroll probably got a cramp in their hand. The Mountain, brother to The Hound (burned faced aid to the Lannisters) promptly jams his lance into “Recently Blah Blah’s” throat hole, and he gurgles to death. Right in front of Arya and Sansa.
Baelish takes this opportunity to whisper into Sansa’s ear the story of The Mountain and The Hound.
“La la, I am a wee baby Hound playing with a dolly, smash, smash, joy!”
“I am a slightly older, but already ruthless fighter soon to be named The Mountain and that’s my toy! How about I shove your face into the fire until your flesh melts?”
“How about nauuuuuuuuugh!”
“…and that’s the story of how the Hound came to look that way. But you mustn’t tell anyone, Sansa, or they’ll probably kill you until you die from it.”
Sansa reels back in horror from the smiling Uncle Creepy, terrified of this unwanted knowledge. “Thanks?” Arya is still shell-shocked over the gurgling knight in front of her, possibly rethinking her desire to join his ranks one day.
Ned, who has skipped the tourney, is in his chambers reading his book and pondering. The Queen comes in to chat, which for these two means a verbal sparring match. Oho, a joust with words and intent, m’lady and m’lud! She gets in a parry, “Why, you’re nothing but a soldier who knows nothing but to take orders. Hmm, your brother, who was killed, was trained to be the leader, it smakes sense that you’ve been trained to follow.”
“It should interest your Ladyship that I also was trained to kill my enemies, unspoken dig at you, Your Grace.”
“Hmm, yes. Oh, so was I.” She pounds her fist to her chest, and walks out backwards.
On the road, Cate is stationed in a random inn, unknown to others as Lady Stark. Lord Tyrion happens to wander in looking for a piece of Ros and instead sees Lady Catelyn. Unable to contain her rage, she starts calling out allegiances between other travelers in the room, now that they all know her for the noblewoman she is. They all seem to have a positive connection to her family. Tyrion yawns, who cares?
“Everyone? This man tried to kill my son while staying at my home as a guest. Seize him!”
Bet you care now, Imp! Swords are drawn, he’s trapped. Or is he?
Next week: will the Queen get rid of Ned? Will Tyrion escape? Will Brother Boob Stroker slink off in the night? Will the dragon eggs hatch? Will we ever see someone making the candles that seem to be everywhere in droves? Tune in and find out!
(My theory: all of Queen Lannister’s children are actually her children with her brother, Jaime, which is why they are all blond and lean. Jon Arryn discovered this, “the seed is strong,” and that’s why he was killed. Am I right? Time will tell! No spoilers, just discussion of the SHOW – not the books – please!)